So tired today and kinda down, mainly because I didn't sleep last night. Stress I guess. I hate not sleeping. Which is pretty funny considering my career and the fact that I have lived with a sleep deficit for....well, EVER. Between med school, residency, then solo practice and 3 kids, sleep is in short supply. Luckily these days it is usually better.
But, last night wasn't and since I didn't get to sleep until about 2am, my 5:15am alarm was frickin' out of it's mind if it thought I was getting up then. That meant, no workout this am as planned. Crap. Another reason for my foul mood. Then, my son overslept and was almost late to football. Crap. Then, I forgot my medicine and had to go home to get it. Crap. Then I got to work and realized I'd forgotten to mail that thing I wanted to mail. Crap.
In light of my current negativity, I am going to change the subject to yesterday....
Yesterday was a great day. It really was. I want to thank everyone for their supportive and kind comments. I really was scared about posting those pictures. My finger hovered over the enter button for a while wondering if I was crazy or not. I then realized that I didn't give a shit what anyone thought and that this is good for me and therapeutic. So, there they are in cyberspace for anyone to see. I have to admit it was hard and bothered me a bit.
I was thankful for all the encouragement. I did need it. I do FEEL different, but I don't see it that much yet. I'm soooo impatient. It is a constant joke among family and friends. I hate waiting. This weight loss thing takes time and that sometimes frustrates me. On the other hand, I'm losing weight. For that I am happy and proud.
Someone yesterday commented on the fact that I looked so happy and confident in my before pics. You know what? I do, because I was...I am. I honestly found a place where I was happy and proud of who and what I am. I have value outside my appearance and the number on the scale. After a lifetime of assholes making fun of me and degrading me, I told them all to kiss off and realized that all that stuff they say about it's what inside that counts is TRUE.
I think that hampered my efforts at weight loss for a long time. I convinced myself that I was healthy and happy. I didn't realize all the things I was missing out on and how good it felt to be fit. I was happy and not bothered by the way I looked, most of the time. But, being fat limits you. It just does. And when you are there in your little fat world, you don't know that there's a whole OTHER world out there.
One where people go out, do things, travel, run with the kids, do Tae Kwon Do, swim and IN PUBLIC, jog in the rain, slide down the slides at the park, ride roller coasters and water slides, play sports on teams, go dancing. One where people don't grimace when you sit next to them on the plane or bus or train. One where you can walk into ANY store and look around without pretending to shop for "your friend".
One where seat belts fit. One where food is not the priority. One where you are not thinking about what you're going to have for your next meal before you've finished the last one. One where social events are NOT about the food, but actually being social.
One where people look at you with respect when they see you doing push ups and sit ups and chin ups, even though you're heavy. One where you've actually SEEN the inside of the gym you belong to and the guy at the desk recognizes you, knows your name even, you're in there so much. One where Skinny guy gets on the elliptical next to you and is amazed when he's tired and gets off before you do.
One where YOU can carry your own damn groceries up the stairs and the laundry back down. One where you get excited about packing your lunch. One where an apple sounds AWESOME. One where you don't spend your time trying to figure out what food you are craving or what will taste good and wondering why you are hungry all the time.
One where there are no diet pills, no losing 20 pounds in a week with these 3 simple rules, no eating nothing but rice cakes(what the HELL are they made of anyway?). No Dolly Parton diets, no Soup diets, no cabbage diet, no "eat like a Chinese person" diet. No pseudo-food in a box diet. No dexatrim, no metabolife, no Alli, no Meridia, no phen-phen. No Liquid crap in a can diet. No Special "cookie" diet, no eat only maroon foods diet or eat only while standing on one foot diet. No starving yourself for days or weeks.
One where there's no whining about thyroid issues or genetics or being big boned. No hypnotism or staples in the ear or acupuncture. No colon cleanses or laxatives. No making yourself puke 10 times a day. No hiding and hoarding food. No eating alone in your car so the wife/husband doesn't see. No ordering 2 meals in the drive thru so the acne faced teenager at the window doesn't know that both hamburgers, the apple pie AND the sundae are all YOURS.
One where you DON'T have to think twice about that invitation to the party because, who will be there and have they seen me since I got fat? OR I don't want to go UNTIL I lose. One where you are not always the "wing man" or the funny dude who people laugh at, but don't take seriously. One where that beautiful girl you've been friends with forever that you secretly love ACTUALLY sees you "that way" instead of spending all her time crying on your shoulder about her boyfriend. One where YOU are the one that turns heads.
One where your kids say, "Let's play catch" and you can actually RUN after the ball when they throw it wildly as all kids do. One where your family doesn't "worry about your health". One where you don't get snide comments from family members about the size of your ass. One where you don't have to plan vacations around whether a bathing suit is required or what the attire will be. One where you're glad the skinny bitch gets the raise because YOU are the skinny bitch.
One where there is no medication for diabetes or high blood pressure or acid reflux or asthma or cholesterol or gout. One where there's no CPAP machines or scooters or wheel chairs, special beds and lift chairs. One where you never have to worry if you're too heavy to have the MRI you need or the surgery you need OR better yet, you don't even need the damn surgery in the first place. One where the doctor doesn't look at you and tell you that you are a walking heart attack.
It's a world I am just beginning to explore. A world where I can go watch my kids for 2 hours at Tae Kwon Do class like I did yesterday and sit in those crap folding chairs with the bars on the side and my ass fits. I mean FITS. No hanging off the chair, no pinching from the bars on the side of the chair that leaves that little butt hickie when you stand up and bruises. One where I didn't have to scoot my chair over so my butt didn't touch the parent's next to me. One where I keep shifting around on the seat just to remind myself there's room to spare there now.
It's a world where I can GO and DO and SEE and BE..........ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING I WANT. And be happy for a very, very, long time. .
It's a WHOLE NEW WORLD, baby! You with me?