This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Weekend Wrap-Up

I had a good weekend. A challenging weekend. A fun weekend. A unproductive weekend. A poor diet weekend. A frustrating weekend. A tiring weekend. A thoughtful weekend.  A weekend filled with shuttling kids from one place to another.

Friday was a super busy day. I worked, went to the eye doctor. Spent $300 bucks. Went back to work. The surprise was that my son was invited to a last minute sleep over. The hubby and I decided to take the girls to the drop off daycare and get dinner and a movie. We ended up at a local Mexican joint. I did well though.  I ate no chips.  I ordered red snapper, broiled, no sauce and a side of beans, whole not re-fried, no rice and salad w/ no dressing. What arrived was red snapper drowning in creamy sauce and salad with lots of dressing. Sigh. I didn't have time to send it back or we'd miss the movie. I scraped all I could off and ate the fish and my salad with it. We saw "Unknown" with Liam Neeson.  It was really great with lots of action and a thrilling story.

Saturday my son had boy scout duties helping a buddy with an Eagle project. It was at the local nature preserve repairing a part of the damaged hiking trail. I decided to take the girls on a hike while he did his thing.  We ended up with a 3.5 mile hike. It was a nice day and we enjoyed it. After, we came home and the girls were beat. We sat down and watched Harry Potter #3 for the millionth time. Well, the girls watched, I had a short nap.  Then I was up and got the dishes done and dinner cooked.  Hubbie brought home kielbasa and asked me to cook them. Sigh. So I did. I had salad, carrots and one sausage no bun.

Sunday morning I slept in until around 8am. Got dressed and was on my way up to work out when hubby announced he'd plan to cook breakfast for me. Blueberry french toast with blueberry syrup. He was sick for Valentine's and was going to make up for it by cooking for me. How sweet. Sigh. He asked if I wanted to work out first and I said I'd better. So 30min later on the bike and then breakfast. I had 2 pieces of the french toast with about 2 tablespoons of syrup on the side.  After that the Girl Scout cookies arrived. Then I had to shuttle my son to one boy scout event and then another. In between I didn't do much. The rest of the day is kind of a blur of carb cravings and bad choices.

I am glad the weekend is over and frustrated with my choices. Wondering how I can handle the temptations better and knowing I KNOW how, but made poor choices. I also know I was frustrated with my weigh in yesterday having lost no weight last week. Well, I actually lost 4 pounds as I had gone up after my weekend illness the week before. But, the overall result was no loss this week. I am now faced with having to start over again this week and I'm left wondering when this gets easy. I KNOW it never does and that's fine, so I'll move on. There are worse problems in the world than mine.

I realize I slipped back into the routine of letting my weekend eating go to shit. The temptations are what they are. I have issues with a spouse who isn't where I am commitment wise. Instead of showing him resolve, I showed him how easy it is to give in. I am not really very happy about that. On the bright side, I spent a lot of my weekend exercising. I had an active weekend and I did make some decent choices. 

My schedule gets crazy again as son starts Track and Field this week and that means he has to be at school by 6:30am again. Now I'll have to adjust to the new schedule again and figure out my workouts. I'm on the books for a session with my trainer today. I dread it. I don't want to do it. I drove to work today trying to think of a reason I could cancel. I realized that I couldn't and told myself to shut the hell up. I'm going whether I like it or not. All I can do is my best. Not trying will help nothing.

I woke up this am feeling like shit from the carb binge yesterday. I didn't feel like eating. I had a yogurt. I could stand to skip a meal. Why eat if I'm not hungry? I drank my coffee and my water. I didn't have all the water yesterday. Not close and no wonder I feel like shit.

I didn't watch the Oscars last night because I just plain don't care. Instead we watched Burn Notice on TiVo and played games with the girls. Woke up this am not knowing who won. To be honest I forgot it was even on. I don't think I missed a thing. Years from now I won't remember who won, but I'll remember the Sunday afternoons lying in the floor playing games with the kids.

And now, on with my Monday......

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Seriously Buzzed! and Pay it Forward.

Long long long day yesterday. After my post last night, I headed over to the long and boring Board Meeting. I didn't get home until 11pm. That's right, 4 hours of financial reports and quality measures and capital improvement budgets and.....there's a reason I'm not a MBA people. Icky!

Anyway, before the meeting I decided to go ahead and eat. I had to grab something and I keep emergency food in the office. I had a healthy choice dinner (sorry Allan, but sometimes it's gotta be done).  I also drank about 1/2 a diet Mt Dew. I arrived at the meeting to find dinner-some kind of greek, stuffed chicken with a pasta on the side and roasted cauliflower. And dessert-some kind of chocolate cookie bars. The thing is, I wasn't hungry. On the way to the meeting I had 32 oz glass of water. I was full. I had calories in the budget, but I was full. It looked tasty and not too bad health wise, but I was full. Then I thought, "I could have the cauliflower. It's roasted, no sauce, no butter."  But I was full. So why eat then?

I didn't.

During the meeting I started to freeze. I get cold so easy these days. I decided, why not a cup of coffee?  So I had one, a small one.  Oh! And did I forget to mention the excedrin migraine I took yesterday afternoon?  The point of all that is to say that I had major caffeine overload last night. I didn't get to sleep until 3am. THREE!  My fault. I know better. I'm a doctor, right? 

But, here's the deal. I used to do stuff like that and no problem. Back when I was constantly shoveling Coke and tea and coffee and diet drinks, all caffeinated down my throat, I could drink a cup of "real" coffee and go right to sleep. And I'm not talking that long ago. But nowadays I drink almost exclusively water. Of course I do. How the heck can I get all that in otherwise? But, my body is just not used to all that caffeine now I guess. I have my coffee in the am and that's it.  Kinda makes me think about what kind of drug-induced haze (caffeine is a drug to your brain, don't forget it.) I was walking around in for years. YEARS.

My Coke addiction has honestly been one of the hardest things for me to break. And addiction it is. Even now after giving them up ages ago, I crave them. I see the can and I taste it. If I have even a little, I want more. It started in high school and all those years I just guzzled that crap. Even when I switched to diet, it wasn't the same, but still I wanted more and more. I see what a carb roller coast that put me in. Glad I'm off it now.  I have a diet drink maybe 1-2 times a week, maybe. My coffee.....I love. 16oz in the am, splenda and light creamer. Not quitting it. But the rest I'm kinda glad I'm over.

Today's been good considering I didn't sleep. Being up that late led to extra water intake. I just kept drinking. No idea the total for yesterday. In the past these late night episodes would result in "the fourth meal".  Isn't that Taco Bell's slogan?  But, this time, I wasn't hungry and even though I could've eaten, I didn't need to.

I went to TKD today at lunch. Can I say that my pectoral muscles hurt soooo bad today? Achy achy. No matter what position I'm in. Kinda sucks until I realize it is proof of my push ups and planks and hard work at TKD. I learned a new kick today, the turning hook kick. I asked my black belt instructor, helper today if the dizziness from the constant spinning gets better.  She's older than me and she said emphatically, "No." I told her thanks and that I'd adjust my expectations. Ha ha. She said you learn to work around it.  I hope so.

A new man joined our class today. He is quite heavy. I saw him standing there in his white belt and I knew how he felt. Excited, scared, nervous, apprehensive.  The heaviest person in the room. I've been there many times. I went up introduced myself and told him I was glad he was there and that he was gonna love it. Told him not to worry, the instructors are great and don't go too fast.  He seemed to visibly release all this tension.   At the end I could tell he was so proud to have made it through class. I know exactly how he feels.

In years past I might not have gone up to the new guy. I'm not shy, but 2 big fatties in the same corner? Ha ha. Seriously I might have worried about embarrassing him or me. Making a scene in front of the skinny fit people. All of that. Now, I figure, no matter how fat or thin you are it's nice to have someone be welcoming. And if  as a still pretty fat chick I encourage him to get involved and move more, then........he can help the next person that needs it, right?

What about you? Caffeine- yeah or nay?  Have you had any opportunities to help someone with their journey in your real life?  Other than those that ask"how're you doing it" and such. How'd it work out?

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

A New Day

After my grumpy post yesterday, I am doing much better. Scale still says I'm up, but I am working to change that. Despite my initial thoughts of, "Dear God, please don't make me, " this morning, I got up and got on the treadmill. Can I just say that no running for 5 days + illness + fat chick= HARD!  But I made it through week 2 of C25K AGAIN. I'll complete this thing if it kills me. My speed is still better than before, but man I can't wait until I can run a long time without feeling like I might croak.

Yesterday wrapped up pretty well. I went to TKD despite my general poo of a mood and the fact i still felt dizzy from ear fluid and wheezy from asthma. I made it through class with very few mishaps considering. Yeah it was hard, but I just love going there. I learned how I can break someone's arm, should the need arise. I feel so powerful. Hee hee. Too bad I didn't know this stuff during residency when I had to stay all night in the pysch hospital and help with disruptions...scary sometimes.  I got wobbly with my 360 back kicks and the spinning, but I left tired and sweaty and proud I made it through despite nearly wimping out.

My calories yesterday were good, 977.  Not necessarily on purpose low, but I wasn't hungry enough to justify more food so I skipped it. Man I feel better forcing myself to catch up on the water. It amazes me how much I miss it when I don't get it done.

Today has been better still. After my work out with the running, I made myself do some extra stretching because my thighs are sore, TKD of course. I also forced myself to do some plank as I hadn't done it in awhile and it's just good for you. I managed a minute which I feel is good considering. Patrick reminded me with his "how long can you?" Thing a while back and for some reason he just popped in my head this am when I was on the floor exercising. (Is that weird?) Anyway, I don't care because it reminded me not to forget my core. Besides trainer dude expects me to do this frequently and I always get the disapproving, "You haven't been doing your core routine at home" guilt trip when I slack.

I'm off now to a long and boring Board Meeting. Boo! But, I'm taking my healthy snacks. Yeah!

Please leave a comment. They just make me happy. Unless your a crazy person or......selling something in which case..... bug off!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Food Bites!

I just feel weird today. I guess it's the residual from the weekend illness. You know we doctors don't get sick leave and there's no calling in sick when you are self-employed. So, I keep trudging on. I want to know how the hell I can be sick and gain weight. Whatever. I weighed this am and scale says I'm up 4 friggin pounds. That's just nuts. I'm absolutely sure I didn't eat enough to cause a gain. In fact on Saturday I barely ate 1000cal. I know I've not gotten all the fluids, until yesterday and that I've had extra sodium. I know it's not real weight gain, but it still pisses me off.

I'm just getting to the point where I don't want to eat anything anymore. Could it be that I'm finally to the point where food just doesn't matter?  When do you cross the line from monitoring your diet and obsessing?  I know this, I'm not willing to give up on weight loss, no matter the price. I am absolutely going to see my goal. I don't care how long it takes or at what price. There is no food worth the possibility that I won't get there. I think about food and see food now and it just doesn't matter. I don't look forward to food or special treats anymore or even the idea of them. I don't smell food and want it. Commercials on TV do nothing for me except gross me out with the grease and the goo. Now I just see food as a hassle. Something in the way of my goals.

It just absolutely doesn't matter anymore what I eat or when. I only see the numbers, the calorie counts, the scale. Is this good or is this bad?  I look forward to being at my goal weight. I look forward to being able to do more in TKD class. I look forward to being able to run farther and faster. I do not look forward to a meal.  Is this how normal people are about food?

I get hungry and it annoys me. It means I have to decide what to eat or not eat.  I no longer get the emotional high from the foods I love and in some ways this pisses me off.  Now I have to actually deal with things without my friend, FOOD. I kinda miss that friend. I miss curling up with a good movie and a snack. Now, I just see calorie counts and scales.   I miss an evening out with my husband where I don't have to think first and not just order what sounds good.  Where he doesn't roll his eyes at me entering my calories and googling the menus and calculating this and that. I miss having a crappy day and just coming home and having pizza and wings and coke and beer and eating until I feel better.  I miss not calculating in my head what my husband's eating and being irritated by how many calories he's having and doesn't even care.

But, I don't miss the 50+ pounds I've lost.

I'm having issues with food. Totally new issues I never dreamed of. If I had my way it wouldn't even come up. Now I get irritated trying to plan meals for the kids. They are hungrier than I am, they eat more often. They are constantly wanting snacks and such. Of course they eat healthy stuff and I try to control them from the candy and all the crap and fast food as usual. But, I'm just sick of talking about and thinking about food.

Even this weekend when I'm barely able to get out of bed I'm like measuring and reading labels to see how many calories are in the soup I picked. Is this good or am I crazy?  And then to get on the scale and see a gain this morning! Makes me just want to forget the whole idea of food. Maybe my weirdo skinny friends that only drink slim fast and eat fruit have the right idea. It sure simplifies your life when you just don't eat.

Thing is, everyone else around me eats. They still get happy about this food or that and I think I'm jealous? Or am I resentful?  All I know is that I've spent all this energy trying to disconnect my emotions from eating and food. Have I gone too far the other way? Have I gotten too analytical? Too mathematical? 

But, will it ever be easy for me?  Will I ever be able to enjoy food again?  Do you get to a point in this journey where there's a happy medium?  Where you can still be mindful and count calories, but still enjoy a meal? A dessert? A pizza? Because right now I'd rather just eat carrots and an apple. I know I didn't get fat eating too many of those.

I feel like there are so few "safe" foods. Even this weeken eating the saltines and drinking sprite I triggered those carb cravings. I found myself eating a mini chocolate bar from the kids Valentine sacks. For no reason! WTH?  When doe that crap stop? Or maybe it doesn't. Maybe I'll always need to be on guard with food. Maybe food and I cannot be friends. Maybe we can have a truce, but not be friendly. Maybe food is like an EX-husband(if I had one).  You know, you have to see each other and relate because of the kids. You can't avoid it. It will always be in your life, but you're not friends anymore. You can't share emotions. You can't be friendly. Nice and cordial, but not friendly.

I don't know, but this is totally uncharted territory. I spent so much of my life thinking about food that now it's like I don't know how to behave with it. It's just weird.  I honestly am not really ever hungry for any one food anymore. I know I need to eat and I know what to eat, but I just don't care if I do.

Does anyone else have similar experiences or feelings about food? Or am I just nutso?

Monday, February 21, 2011


Short post today as I am still recovering. Shoulda known it was coming. My husband was sick several days last week and the kids had it the week before. On Friday the frieght train hit me and I was in bed from about 7pm Friday night until I had to pry myself out this morning for work. Fever, chills, aches, cough, sore throat, nausea and vomiting. The whole deal. At least it wasn't the flu as I tested negative. Today I feel better, but not great.

I went home at lunch and slept for an hour and that helped. I hate feeling sick and being weak and dizzy doesn't help my focus at work.  At least I don't think I'm contagious anymore as I have no more fever. It pisses me off since I thought I'd escaped this one. Little germ incubators I call my children are always bringing home something new. You'd think I'd be immune as I'm exposed to this stuff all the time, but I'm not. At least my immune system works well and I'm much better after only a couple of days and not the 5 it took my husband.

I weighed in for the challenge yesterday in a sleepy haze and weighed 196. I was quite pleased with that number. Back up just a little this am, thanks sodium. Chicken soup and crackers and sprite is all I've ingested and not all the water as it makes me feel sick. I'm doing better on that front today.  None of my high and mighty exercise goals were met for the weekend, but that's ok. I have the rest of my life to get this stuff done. I'm not giving up and I'm not quitting.

I canceled on the trainer for today. No friggin way I could do that stuff as staying upright is taking all my energy today. I didn't track my calories yesterday, but I'm sure I'm under 1200. So far I'm fine today also and I'm trying to make myself get all the fluids in.

I've been around reading all your blogs and I hope all of you avoid this illness and stay on track. See you tomorrow.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Much Better! and Give me some support!

Today I woke up late. I over slept. My husband is out of town and my routine is totally screwed up.  My ankle is so much better. Only a little soreness if I turn it a certain way.  My legs aren't as sore and things are much better.

I missed TKD today because the office was swamped and I didn't make it there. So I didn't get my workout as planned. But, I really think that was good because now I feel much better and I can resume running for sure in the morning.

Food today was good. I still haven't had any appetite  . I think I'm just too busy. I don't know as it is foreign to me. I'm just not used to not caring whether I eat or not.  I ate a little over 1000cals today and that's all I wanted.

I wish I had something inspiring to say today, but all I can say is not every day is amazing. Some days are just days. The key to all this is being consistent. Day after day after day. Eating right and keeping up with the water.  Moving more everyday.

More and more people are noticing my weight loss. This is so wonderful, but a mixed bag. I'm just not used to the attention it brings. I am flattered by the compliments and they don't bother me as much. But, the whole, "what are you doing" conversation and all the unwanted advice. If I'm the one losing weight, why are people trying to tell me how to lose weight?

My clothes are frustrating me right now.  Most of them are too big. Yeah! Not complaining, but it does mean that getting dressed takes longer than it used to. I have more choices and some of the things I still feel like should fit ok, don't. I think I'm between sizes as some things I've bought in smaller sizes are just not quite comfortable yet.  I spend time trying things on and tossing them in the donate pile. The other day I came home and pulled off the shirt I had worn and tossed it straight in. Somebody's gonna be happy to get my old clothes.  I noticed today that the size 14 pants from Lane Bryant are too big. I got a  couple of pairs of jeans in the "normal" section in size 14. They fit great.

I was reading Allan's blog today and he mentioned how he's trying to adjust to smaller clothes and the larger ones are more comfortable. I know what he means. I have a couple of sweatshirts and other clothes that I continue to wear despite how big they are. My scrubs for one. I'm still wearing 2X. But, I ordered new ones this week. It is just strange to think about clothes that aren't baggy. When I was bigger I've always felt weird if clothes felt too tight. My rolls would show, my muffin top, my cellulite. Having clothes that touch my body is weird.

OH! And it's official. The girls have shrunk. I'm down a whole cup size. I realized that it seems like over night my bras were way too big. They were loose and like spinning almost when I move. I mean it was literally over night it seems like. One day they fit and the next, too big.  Luckily I had bought a couple on clearance in anticipation. I tried them and they fit. Also, the wonderful sports bras I've been using are too big. Great. Those things are not cheap. I did get a new one the other day on sale at the running store. This makes me wonder what size I'll be at goal. Weird.  I've always had big boobs.

I've always wished for smaller ones. It was just another reason to be different. I was wearing a bra in 5th grade and I remember the boys snapping my bra all the time and laughing. It was great fodder for the humiliation machine. As I got older, I realized they weren't such a bad thing to have. That negative attention from boys in 5th grade was very different by college.

The guys won't understand, but the quest for the perfect bra, the holy grail of womanhood, is an ongoing thing for all of us, no matter the size. It is especially important now in my 40s and with all the running and Tae Kwon Do, it is absolutely essential. I found a couple of excellent ones, but they are so expensive and if my size is gong to change more, this could get to be a drag. OH well. At least I'm shrinking and not getting bigger!

Anyway, adjusting to my new size seems to be a daily thing. I guess while I'm transforming that's how it will be. I was driving today when something caught my eye. I looked down and ......there was a triceps. Woo hoo. I do have one. Starting to see more definition, but also more hanging skin. I don't care, The scale is moving and so am I. That's what I'm after.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Well..I made it through the day at least.......

This morning I woke up and stood up to go to the bathroom. Nearly fell down when my left leg buckled with a shooting pain. I stretched it out and made it to the BR. All this water does not allow for a lot of leeway.  After walking a little and stretching, it was better, but I knew I could not walk or run today. My right ankle is sprained, it's mild, but a sprain. So no exercise today. Today I'll rest instead of Saturday called for in the plan. I have TKD again tomorrow and if I continue to improve, I'll go.

I really love TKD and I do not think there is anything major going on. My upper thigh is just strained from all the kicks. I'll see how it goes. My ankle is an issue and if it's not a lot better, tomorrow I'll have to skip TKD.  That being said I plan to bike in the morning and try to do the plan exercises. I know Allan gets pissy when the plan isn't followed, but an injury is an injury so no walk/run today. I hope to resume my C25K Friday.

Today I didn't eat much. I was just queasy and tired all day. This is likely due to the fact that I took a benedryl last night and been taking ibuprofen for my aches. It upsets my stomach. Of course I didn't eat much at all. I had breakfast and skipped lunch, no snacks. Just no appetite. I did eat a healthy dinner, on the plan of course. I drank all my fluids, plus some and I'm still thirsty so I think it may be my allergy meds I took today. Thanks a lot mold counts!  After all that ice and such last week, the mold is crazy as everything thawed.

I think Allan's plan is brilliant. It is easy to follow and I'm usually not feeling hungry. I have to admit I don't necessarily like all the foods, but I don't hate any either. The structure has been good and bad, but I've been losing weight, although not much faster. I don't get that. But, I'll stick with it as I'm continuing to lose weight. I admit I had 100 extra calories yesterday, but that was just an extra snack after TKD which was a HARD class as you'll remember per yesterday's post. Thus the whole injury thingy.But, it's not too bad I'm sure I'll be back to normal really fast.

I forgot all about my new gear.  I went on Valentine's Day and bought myself some new running shoes. They are the same as my last pair they fitted me with, but they are pink. So much more fashionable.  Plus I went to Kohl's and used my gift certificate from Christmas to buy some new workout clothes. All of mine were getting huge. It's about time to get a couple more bags out to donate.
New shoes, new socks, new bra, new pants, new shirt. Ready to run when my ankle allows.
 Now I'm off to bed. Tired, tired. I hope to get some rest and wake up to pain free leg and ankle so I can kick some butt in TKD tomorrow.  Please leave a comment and let me know how your week is going.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

We interrupt your regular programming for....OUCH!

Warning. There might be some explicit language ahead. I'm feeling it coming.

So........this morning I get up all happy and ready to go. Today is my strength training day so I dutifully got out the phase 5 exercises, the new page.  I decide to warm up by jogging in place 5 min and then  jumping jacks. I once knew this lady who lost like 60 pounds by doing a 1000 jumping jacks every day. I'm thinking I'll bet I can do at least 100. HA! DOUBLE HA! I did 40 in a row and kinda felt like I was dying. When's the last time you did these? We do them in TKD, but not that many. So I did 80 this morning, 2 sets of 40. The bastards are harder than you remember from gym class. I think it has something to do with the fact that I'm not 10 anymore and I have lived in this fat body so long.

After the warm up, I did all the exercises. The side squats and airplanes and budha crunches, which BTW is a freakin funy name for the bicycle crunch.  So I did all that and stretched. I'm feeling pretty all high and mighty about myself at this point. OH how they fall!  I'm such a dumb ass.

And so I go to work and then it's time for TKD. I'm all happy because I'm an orange belt now and so I'm in the more advanced belt group. Let me say this. FUCK THAT. What the holy hell have I done??Mother! That class was hard. We did all these advanced kicking drills which is basically hopping and jogging while kicking in between and turning and punching. FUCK! That was hard shit. Specially for an over 40 fat chick. I ended up falling right on my ass 1/2 through class. Actually I landed on my front in the middle of class. In front of everyone. SPLAT. Layed out in the middle of the mat face down like the pilsbury dough boy after a long bender.

So we're doing this one drill where I'm supposed to do a hop, round house kick, 360 turn, high round house and kick and end with a reverse punch. You do this from one side of the room to the other and then jog backwards as fast as you can so you can do it again. WELL. I did fine at first and then I got all, "I'LL SHOW THESE SKINNY MFs HOW WE FAT LADIES ROLL!" And BOY did I.  ROLL that is.  The instructor is telling everyone to be quick and go faster, these are speed drills, blah blah. Listen skinny in shape jock type dude. I AM OLD and I'M a beginner. If all I did all day long was TKD like you, I'd be quick too,but I've spent the last 30 years sitting on my ass. How the HELL did you think it got this big anyway? 

He's actually really nice and good about letting me do my best and go my own pace. I have never felt weirdness from him about my size or from anyone else in that class for that matter.  I think I've impressed him more than once, but my 40 year old vestibular system is not the best. Turning over and over and over and my inner ear says, F*** YOU! And then......

So I attempt to do my 10th 360 turn and as I'm hopping on my foot I land weird because I get a little off balance. One ankle roll later and SPLAT. Litterally I made that noise. SPLAT. I land on the mat face down. I was a little in shock for a split second becuase I had no warning. It wasn't like those slow motion feeling falls where you feel it coming and you try to stop yourself and your thinking NOooooooooooooOOOOOOoooo! as you see yourself fall. Nope. One minute I'm upright, the next I'm pillsbury dough boy. OUCH! But, I hopped right up and went back to it. That was just 1/2 way through class.

Next drills were kicking speed drills where you kick right, left, right, left as fast as you can. Lots more hopping and jumping and punching. I did learn how to break someone's arm today and DON'T think I wasn't considering it on mister, "GO FASTER. YOU ARE ADVANCED BELTS NOW!" After much more sweat and wheezing and pain, I made it through class.  I felt ok and VERY tired and STARVING. I burned nearly 900 cals!

I finished work and as the day wore on.......ACK! I try to stand up from a chair and......OUCH! I try to move my ankle a little and........SHIT! The bad part is it's my right ankle and my left inner thigh that are killing me so I can't even limp right. I'm like a damned hunch back. I don't think anything is hurt badly, my ankle isn't swollen and I know it's just my hip flexors on the left.

Mental Note: DUMB ASS! No more hip and inner thigh work in the morning on TKD day!

So I will likely NOT be running tomorrow as planned. I hope I can resume the C25K soon. I was just really starting to enjoy it again dammit!  At this point I hope I can freaking move tomorrow. I've got ice packs and hot packs and pillows. I took a long hot back. Thank you God for mister Jacuzzi tub.  After watching the black belt test on Saturday I was already a bit freaked and NOW I am fucking terrified at being able to go any further. Oh well, Rome wasn't built in a day....  And now I'm going to bed. Good night!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Blog Love and.......Plain old love! Aren't they CUTE!

I had a great Valentine's Day. I spent it working of course and like most of you surrounded by treats and sweets. Most of which I was able to avoid.  My day started with stationary bike. I ran on Sunday and I am just not to the point I can run 2 days in a row yet. So I did my bike and then a little stretching. After that got kids off to school. I gave them their gifts. Books and a little candy.   Unfortunately my hubbie is sick with a sinus infection, so he spent the day in bed.

I took the car for a car wash on the way to work. It was nasty. Always makes me feel organized to have a clean car. It is an illusion mind you, but I like the feeling anyway. I arrived at work with a full schedule as flu in North Texas is in full swing. I spent a few minutes reading blogs in the car wash and on arrival at work. I was interested to see the wide variety of takes on Valentine's Day.

Clyde wrote a great post on being grateful for those that mean the most to us and reminding us that life is fleeting.  It's a reminder that never gets old. My answer to his question of who I'm most grateful for is obvious, my kids and husband.
Cute cards and flowers in the background from the kids via Nanny.

Patrick made me chuckle as usual with his silly ideas on ways to celebrate and asking what we had planned. I of course had planned to do dinner with the kids, boy scouts and baths and homework as usual. hubby and I have learned long ago that trying to go out on Valentine's is....well...less than easy. Even if he hadn't been sick, the plan would be the same. Nanny makes us dinner every year. I came home to pasta carbonara which I of course couldn't eat, but didn't tell her. Kids and hubs enjoyed it. Along with the dinner was this
Chocolate/peanut butter cheese cake which I also didn't eat. Taste, yes, a touch, eat...no.  But that's not all I was faced with today:
Mini Cupcakes

Homemade cookies co-worker brought in

My FAV, chocolate covered strawberries

I will confess I ate one, see it's missing. I ate another at home. The rest are for Nanny and Kids. These are probably my favorite dessert or at least top 5. I love em. And, they are fruit essentially, 50 cals each. I ate on plan the rest of the day and I drank my fluids. I realize that Allan didn't want to hear/see things like this, but hey, this is my blog. Ha ha. They were so good!

Jack wrote a great post, one of his serious ones which I generally always enjoy and find helpful. A letter to himself. I may just have to steal that idea sometime soon.

And there were so many others. So many great posts today.Some on finding love, others on losing it.  I can't mention them all. Christine with her Valentine's lore and SJB with her "Bah humbug" post were interesting and funny.  I was struck by a common theme of us humans trying to be loved, give love, find love. We all need it. And we can all have it. The key to it is loving ourselves. We have to love ourselves before we can really love another. We have to know ourselves to truly know what we want. I am so lucky to have found my partner, my soul mate. But, it wasn't all luck. It was work. I did a lot of work to learn about myself, get past many, not all, of my issues and look beyond myself. It was mostly about how I felt about myself inside. PLUS, it takes work to really know someone else, love them as you should. We are, after all, human!

Now I'm working on the outside. Today I wore the same shirt I wore last year on Valentine's. Unfortunately I don't have a picture from last year. Here's from today
Don't think I'll be wearing this again. I didn't realize how huge it was when I put it on this morning.

And then I saw my arms. Oh my. I'm really starting to get hanging skin under there!
Please tell me I'm not fooling myself into believing there is a little muscle starting to show!

.Here's my gift from hubby.
 I know it might not SEEM romantic, but here's the deal: All my work on those arms you see above sometimes leaves me sore. I'm still struggling with the tendonitis in my elbow which has limited my push ups. (Damn it! One of my fav exercises!).  He knows I have aches and pains. He knows I'm trying so hard to stay active and that I have many exercise goals. These will be coming in handy and it was a thoughtful gift. I'm using one tonight on my back!  I still have so much work to do. It's so easy to focus on the outside and forget there's always more improvements I can do inside, too!

Learning to look beyond myself became easy when I became a mom. When you have kids your world changes. Your outlook is completely different. All the little things you used to think were big issues suddenly seem small in the face of making a great life for your child.

And so I'll leave you with this thought......having love begins with showing love. Showing love to yourself and then to others. Find ways to be sure that the people in your life that matter most know how you feel. You never know what life holds for you or them.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Weigh in and......I'm a proud Mamma!

I really get pissed when I don't have time to post every day. I haven't been lately because the office is WILD and so is my home life and not all in a good way. So I'm going to make a commitment to blog everyday, even if it's short. Posting regularly keeps me accountable and frankly, happier.

Friday was a super busy day at work. When I got done, I had to go pick up kids at TKD. Two of the three had tests on Saturday so they were attending one last practice. Can I just say how proud I am of my son who can do some serious push ups? He's really gotten stronger and starting to put some intensity into his training that wasn't there before. He's growing up, sniff sniff.

After class, we got some pizza. No one freak, it was on the plan. I had the cheese pizza. I actually ate less as I had a huge salad. I didn't work out on Friday. My legs were so sore from TKD and running and training and the challenge exercises. I did my first orange belt class on Thursday and learned several new kicks. Yowza my thighs were hurting, esp after all those squats and lunges. My calories were good and my water is great as usual.

Saturday we spent 11 hours at our TKD gym. Yep. You read that right. Good thing I did my C25k and the challenge exercises from last week early that morning! My 6 year old had a test at 9am. We got there at 8:15 as my son was helping with the test. The kids set up and had a chance to warm up. My daughter's test was nearly 4 hours long. That's a really long time for a 6yr old to stay focused. I want to post some pics, but I haven't had a chance to get through them. You shoulda seen her sparring. She was one of the smallest testing and she held her own. She's learning. She got her green belt and she was so proud.

My son tested for red belt. That's just 2 from black. It's amazing how nervous you can get for your kids. His test was 6 and 1/2 hours long. He did very well on his test. He totally nailed his staff forms and one steps. He did great on his knife defenses. He made only very few mistakes. I was really proud of him. He broke 1 of the 2 boards he was supposed to. It was amazing to watch the black belts test. I'll tell you I don't know if it was inspiring or terrifying. They broke concrete blocks with their hands. They had to spar for 15min straight!

My son did so well on his sparring. Everyone was proud of him. He had to spar with several black belts and he held his own. Got a bunch of good hits and kicks in. Let me stop here for those of you who are not Tae Kwon Do people. This kind of sparring is not like MMA. This is traditional TKD stuff. The same stuff you see on the olympics.  I don't want you guys thinking I'm one of those weirdo parents you see on TV. Anyway, he got his red belt and we were all so tired. It was after 8pm by the time we got done. The kids were starved and wanted food, right now!

The kids wanted ice cream so they picked Braum's. Now in the past this would've been an issue for me. First of all, I love love love their fries. They are crinkle fries and just the right amount of crunchy and soft. Their burgers, not so much. For some reason I get sick every time I eat them, even before The Great Change. The ice cream.......oh .....how I love thee.  So many flavors. Rich and creamy.  I had none. I wanted it. OH how I did. But, I had none. The kids had ice cream-the girls are opposites one loves vanilla, the other chocolate. My son got a M&M sundae.

Now before I get a lot of comments about rewarding my kids with food and unhealthy diets, let me say that the last time they had drive thru was probably 3months ago and that was on a road trip. It just is not something we do.  And, I generally do not reward my kids with ice cream. BUT, 11 hours! My 5 year old sat through that and was good. My 6 year old was put through a 4 hour test, mostly exercise and then sat through her brother's 6 hour test (all exercise). And, I'll say it wasn't my idea. I didn't say, "You kids did so well, I'm buying you ice cream."  They asked for it. I said OK.

You know what's funny?  Kids figure it out. When presented with healthy food most of the time, they quickly get what's good and what's not. My little one ate 1/3 of her chocolate ice cream and said she was done. She ate a few fries and a couple bites of chicken. She finished. My middle daughter ate 1/2 her cheeseburger and 1/2 her fries and said she was too full for her ice cream. They AMAZE me. It has never occurred to me to not eat all my fries. Ever. I mean you just don't waste good food, right? Especially special food you don't get very often. And to PASS on my favorite food, ice cream, wouldn't happen. Not even at 6. Never. I was eating Braum's ice cream for breakfast at that age. (I know, issues from early on.  How do you think I got to be 260+pounds anyway?)  But, these kids stop when they are full. Whoa! A concept I'm STILL trying to learn.  I am trying so hard not to screw that up.

My son ate his burger, but left a lot of his fries. He ate about 1/2 of his sundae and looked at me and went, "Ugh this is WAY too sweet." Threw the rest away. I think I'm doing something right. ME?  Oh I forgot. I had a grilled chicken salad with fat free dressing and left 1/2 the chicken. We had subway for lunch. My calories were about 1000.

Today I've done well. Got up and ran my C25 K again. I'm so proud that I'm improving on my speed. I averaged 4.8 or so on my running intervals. This may sound slow to most of you who run, but last time I did this program, 4.0 was fast for me.  Did some great stretching. Cleaned house, cooked, drove kids here and there. We made valentine's cupcakes today. I did fine. No worries. Isn't it amazing how excited kids get over breaking an egg and stirring the batter?  Their joy in simple things keeps me remembering to slow down and enjoy. The weather today didn't hurt either, 75degrees! Lovely! Windows open. Kids outside and at least 1 hour of solitude while I cleaned!   End of day and I am soooo tired. Calories today, right at 1200.

I weighed in for the challenge. I weighed 198.8. Last week I weighed 200.4 and that's 1.6 pounds lost!  Of course Allan rounded down my starting weight to 200 and up this week to 199 so it looks like 1 pound. But I know the truth. I'm going to work hard this week and see if I can do even better. I found myself eating sometimes on the plan when I wasn't that hungry just because it was written on the list of things I COULD eat. I'm still learning. It's a process, right?

ANYWAY.....I'm down to my lowest weight since 1989. No joke. The lowest weight I can remember is 195. I think I was 185 at one point, but maybe that was a day dream. All I know is, I'm proud of myself. I have a long way to go, but the good news is, I'm on my way there.

So....temptation.....how do you handle it? And......where are you headed these days? Are you on your way or do you need to U-turn?  Comments are good. They keep me going, soooooo....don't hesitate!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Did you miss it??? And.....MEMORIES!

In case you missed it. Check out what I saw on the scale on Tuesday.
FINALLY! 50 pounds gone and under 200!

I woke this morning early. Kids went to school 2hr late. I spent my early hours exercising and getting things ready for the day. Packed my snack and kids lunches and back packs.  Got kids up and myself ready for work. Nanny arrived and I took my little one to school, just the two of us.

My little one is....well....a pistol. She is always speaking her mind. She is always telling you how it is. So last night we're sitting on the sofa. She crawls up in my lap. She says, "Mommy. You're belly is too big. You need to not eat so much."  "Yep." I say, "I'm trying."  Then..."Yeah. I know. You eat really good food and your belly is lots smaller now. Plus you do Tae Kwon Do and that helps your body. It helps mine. BUT, I'M a higher belt than you anyway."  Don't you just love the things kids say.  See even my 5year old knows that eating good food and exercise is good for your body.

 Can I just say my ASS hurts?  All those weighted squats and lunges and such the other day made them sore. And today at TKD we learned a new kick!  A turning hook kick. It's kinda fun and kinda hard and it hurts your ass.  This morning I did the challenge exercises despite my sore ass and they didn't help the soreness any, but they'll help the scale. I did do a lot of stretching today, but alas, my ass is....well...grass?

All the ass pain makes it hard to get around and do what I need to do. Taking the girls up stairs to bed was an experience. on the bright side, sore ass means smaller ass and THAT I'll take. Today I wore my size 12 black pants and they are getting baggy in the ass.

I ate well today. I enjoyed the food today. Especially that blast from the past.........RICE CAKES. OH how long has it been since I tasted one of these!?!?!?  Years and years. Since high school. When my BFF and I were trying to lose weight and not eating we would eat only rice cakes all day. I got to the point that I never wanted to see another one again. In fact when I saw them on the menu as snack today I pretty much turned up my nose and wasn't going to eat them. But, I got them at the store and thought I'd give it a try.

I could just hear Allan's voice in my brain, "Use the plan. Don't try to tinker. People way smarter than you designed this and it works. It has to. Do the math. Do the math, blah blah blah." You know what I mean. Ha ha ha. Soooo. Today I got out the rice cakes and the peanut butter and made my snack.  On the way to TKD I always drink a large glass of water and have a snack. I don't get to eat on class days until about 1:30pm and I'm starved, esp after all the work we do in class. I usually don't have time to eat the snack, except in the car. That's why I always try to pack it ahead of time.

So today. I whipped out one of the rice cakes w/ peanut butter and MAN! That was tasty. I was instantly transported to 1987.  Sitting in my car at lunch w/ BFF talking about boys and eating rice cakes. Holy crap I HATED those things after a while. But today. I tasted it and it was kinda good. Crunchy and with the peanut butter it was yummo. Plus it brought a smile to my face remembering the good ole days. Ha ha. Isn't it funny how food can do that. Transport you right back to where you were the first time you had it. Or what you were doing.

See, those emotional connections to food are a double edged sword. It's amazing how the brain works. It's memories are released by things like taste, smell, sight, sound, touch.  It's like those things are the passwords to your memory data base. Believe me there are smells that can send me right back to memories. Especially of medical school, ewww!  We sure know how music is a memory trigger.  Just think of the song that played at your first junior high dance. See! It's true.  To this day I can see a picture of a newborn and I smell that baby smell.  To this day I see a rack of ribs and I'm transported to anatomy class. I know sick, right? But it's a fact. They look the same. And the memory is tied to whatever emotion you had at the time.

The problem is that our brain is tricky. Sometimes the food or smell of food triggers the emotion and skips the memory step. So when I smell french toast  I feel happy. I want it. I don't always realize that it is because I think of my uncle on summer mornings fixing us kids a special breakfast. 

The trick is to resist the urge to eat when the emotion is triggered. For a long time I didn't want to see French toast and god forbid smell it. It triggered my memory and emotion and I wanted to eat. Now I can think of French toast, even make it for the kids and not lose control and eat it. Why? Because I've made the connection. I've slowed the process down. I can enjoy the memory without the urge to eat.

One theory on how our hunger drive works and why some people are always wanting to eat is that their brain is wired so that they need that input from their senses like taste, smell to open those memories. Over time the emotion imprints with the taste and smell and that leads to over response in the hunger center of the brain causing them to eat even when they should be full. It's like the emotion over rides the input from the stomach trying to tell their brain they are full already.  There are hormones released in the brain that regulate this. Maybe someday this will be a lead on how to help fight obesity.

In the mean time, I'm stuck doing the work the hard way. Craving hits...analyze. Why? Am I really hungry? No....then...why? What am I feeling? Why do I want to eat? It'd be so much easier to take a pill. But, no such luck. Until then I'm stuck thinking of...... well....my ass. If I want it to get smaller, no eating French toast.

What foods do you struggle with avoiding? Have you thought about WHY and the emotions and memories that might be triggered by that food? How do you handle emotional cravings?

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

What a week! and...LOOK!

Whew! I can't beleive this week. So busy, so crazy, soooo...half over, praise the Lord!  I haven't had time or opportunity to post until now and it was starting to piss me off. I decided I didn't care how late I had to stay up I'm finishing my work and posting to my blog.   With my NP still out I am struggling to keep up with the work load.

Yesterday was good. Really good. Day 2 of the challenge and no problem. The level of food is fine. I haven't been hungry as I've been eating 1200 calories for a while. The water is also no problem as I've been doing it for a while. The interesting thing I've noticed is that I'm kinda enjoying the food plan. There are a lot of things on there that I like but haven't been eating in a while. It's funny how we get in a rut. I totally enjoyed the oatmeal yesterday.  I just haven't been eating it much. I don't know why. Carb avoidance? Time? I used to think it made me hungry faster, but I'll tell you I was FULL until lunch time.

And I can't tell you the last time I had a waffle. It was actually yummy. I had all but given up fruit juice, but the plan calls for it.  I was not drinking much milk either, mainly eating yogurt instead. But, I have to say the milk has been filling and tasty for a change. And I actually enjoyed the tuna and crackers and salad at lunch today. I did decide not to do the snack this afternoon. It was supposed to be 1/2 oz of chocolate. At first glance that sounds great, but I know me.

Chocolate is my gateway drug and 1/2 oz isn't enough. I do occasionally let myself have chocolate, but not on a routine basis. A little chocolate and I'm craving Coke and bread and desserts and then...who knows what. Instead I had a small banana. I love them. I consider them a treat and it was great.

Be careful about indulgences. In theory the thought that "I can have just a little" sounds good. But, the truth is there is a a biological basis for cravings, especially sugar and carbs. That's one theory why diet sodas seem to increase obesity rates.  BTW I believe that is the explanation for the study that came out this week regarding diet sodas being associated with an increase in cardiovascular disease. Give em up. Drink water!

OK, where was I? Oh yeah.....

Unfortunately my exercise plan for Tuesday didn't work out. Patients ran late so I didn't make it to TKD. I hate that. But, it's kinda hard to say, "Mrs. Smith I realize you are depressed, but gee, I need to make my TKD class. We'll talk more later."  PLUS I am currently teaching a NP student and while I enjoy it and love it, it does slow me down. He is a great person and doing well, but it's his first rotation so he basically knows nothing yet. He's learning. Of course he has an awesome teacher, ha ha.

So, I ended up running a few errands and working through lunch. BUT, I did make my appointment for my trainer. OUCH! I'm hurting today. We did lots of squats and lunges. With and without weights. Up downs and V-ups and crunches and...you get the idea.   Last night I got home and tried to post, and damn it but our wireless router died. Up and died. Sigh.

That means that I didn't get my work caught up yesterday OR this morning. Sigh. The really bad thing was that after dinner last night I decided I wanted coffee. Knowing I needed to stay up working I indulged. Soooo guess who was up very late? THEN I woke up to sleet hitting the windows early this am. SCREW YOU, Jack Frost!  I'm tired of this crap. I live in Texas for a reason and it is NOT snow or sleet or ice.

I got up early anyway as planned. School was canceled AGAIN. So I went up and did my C25K. Finished week 1 again. I'll say my speed is much better this time through. I am lighter by about 25 pounds and I find it makes a HUGE difference. Damn when I'm thin I'm gonna fly! (Ha ha! I wish.)  Anyway I am remembering how much I like to run and getting into it again. The challenge helps a LOT as walking and jogging intervals are the prescribed cardio.  I've got to get new shoes, it's just time. But between work and the weather, no go yet. SOON!

Me after my run this am. Can you see the sweat?

 I love that shirt. My blog friend Shelley was nice enough to get it for me when I couldn't find one near where I live. I think it's inspirational. It sure fits better and better these days. My commute in to work was not too hot.
Our back yard.

Weee!  Fun slide.

No one on the road, just the way I like it!

But, the roads were a lot better than in Dallas. I'm glad I didn't get stuck on the interstates.  Made it to work without much trouble at all. Thank you traction control and anti-lock brakes!Work was slow this morning so I went to Target at lunch. Best. Shopping. Ever. Hardly anyone was there, but I got tickled at all the husbands clearly dragged there by their wives because they didn't want to drive. Got a new router at Best Buy. THUS I can post now. Yeah! Delivered groceries to the house and back to work I went.

Over the last few weeks my wedding ring has gotten progressively looser. Now with the cold and washing my hands all day, I had to start wearing it on my middle finger. I really need to get one of those ring guards.

I don't want to re-size until I'm close to goal. Hmmm....GOAL.....Rewards.....I see an upgrade in my future. Ha ha!  Until then I gotta find a way to wear it safer or stop wearing it. Dang thing flew off several times in the last couple of days.

But the BEST news of all is THIS
My weight yesterday! FINALLY!!!!!! Officially I have now lost 50 pounds and 65 from my highest weight, at least highest known weight to me.  I have reached onederland. And now...

I have to set my next goal. Hmm..Well, I've been thinking and I guess I'll set it at 182. A weird number, but I have my reasons. FIRST, it is half way to my goal weight predicted in the challenge which is 166. A number which frankly I can't get my head around yet. The 182 is 17 pounds and that number I can fathom. I honestly have never weighed 166 in my adult life. Pretty sure I was in junior high last time I saw that number. I was about 185 my freshman year of college which is the lowest weight I can actually remember. That was 1988-1989, twenty-three years! Dear lord. I'm getting old.

Well, now I'm tired. My work is done and my butt hurts from all those squats yesterday. I'm going night night. I'll be up tomorrow to do the challenge exercises and then to TKD tomorrow, lord willing! I keep drinking water and peeing. I hope all of you are on your way and doing all those things too. I can't tell you how proud I was to see that number on the scale yesterday. Don't you ALL want to feel that?  And those of you who already have...don't forget how it feels!  Everybody, EAT right and MOVE! I mean it!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Monday Madness

Another week started. Can't say as I was sad to see Monday coming after last week and all the snow days for the kids. It was either get them back to school or resort to sedation.  The Super Bowl was an enjoyable game to watch. The entertainment and such, not so much. The commercials were so, so this year I thought. Of course I'm one of the few that watch the game for the football not the rest and football wise it was a great game.

Wouldn't think this was north Texas would, ya?

I weighed in yesterday for Allan's challenge and was happy to see 200.4 on the scale. Very near that elusive under 200 mark and I'm sure I'll see that before the end of this week.  Today was great and I followed the plan without much trouble. I won't have trouble adjusting to the amount of food as I've been eating around 1200 calories for a while. But, following the meal plan exactly will take a little more planning than I usually do. That's OK. I'm following it as exactly as I can. I've got to go shopping to get a couple of things this week.

This morning I got up early and ran again, C25K. I thought since the exercise regimen for the challenge is intervals of walking and running that this will be perfect and the challenge will keep me accountable. I've had trouble getting back on track with the program for a while and I'm set on doing it again and improving my time so I can run a 5K this spring. I figure the C25K is more running and walking than the challenge so, more is better.

Tomorrow I have a big exercise day. Plan the challenge stuff in the morning. Then TKD at lunch and I have an appointment with my trainer in the evening. Assuming I live through all that I'm sure that I will see those measurements start to really move again with getting back to all that.

This week is a beating at work because my NP is out so I'm there most days without much help. Today I saw a million patients, answered 2 million phone calls and refilled who knows how many prescriptions. I'm beat and trying to catch up on the work left from today.  So, a short and boring post for today. I'll do better tomorrow. Good night all!

Saturday, February 5, 2011

I am not afraid!

So in my last post I talked about not being able to decide whether to do Allan's challenge. I've been thinking about why. And I've figured it out. I was afraid. Afraid that I wouldn't do well. Then I ask my self WHY? Well, because deep down I know I haven't been as dedicated as I should be to my goal. Oh I've still been doing what I should for the most part. For the most part...

WTF does that mean? Well...it means that there are times when I'm NOT doing what I need to. I know I can do better. I know it. And I'm not. That's bullshit. That's old way of thinking. That's me lying to myself that I'm just fine the way I am shit. That's Me believing all the wonderful compliments that are heaped on me lately. How I look so good and have done so well. That's old brain shit thinking.

Reality check: I am a 41 year old woman with a family history of diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, cancer, and obesity. I weigh 201 pounds. I am 5'1".  My BMI is 38. Granted that's down from 47.7 when I started this and 50 at my highest weight of 264. But it is still 40 pounds from not being obese. Are you kidding me? And I have the nerve to act like I've done something great?   I have 3 kids. I want to see them grow up. It is crazy talk to think I'm done or any where NEAR done.

Truth is I have focused on TKD which is great, but I can't forget my cardio and other work. I can't forget my water. I can't forget that I'm fighting for my life here. I've worked really hard to get where I am. There's nothing wrong with being proud of that unless it gets in my way of completing the task and reaching goal. 

I get so tired of the excuses that spew out of the mouths of my patients and I refuse to use them either. Too tired, too stressed, too busy, too hard.  Things like: I need to lose weight first, Then I'll be motivated to keep going. I need to see results or I give up.  I just hate to exercise so I'll just work harder on the eating part and then maybe when I'm smaller I can do it. I don't like vegetables. I hate salads. I don't have time to eat a real lunch so I just drive through.  I'm really active at work, I never sit down.

You can always do better, work hard, learn something new. You should always be looking for ways to improve yourself mentally or physically. ALWAYS. I was getting comfortable. That's over people. I have to get myself to remember why I started this in the first place. And I AM NOT DONE. Yes I've done things I never dreamed of.  Things like running, weight lifting, push ups, sit ups (real ones!), Tae Kwon Do in front of LOTS of people. Sweating my brains out while little Johnny's mom and dad and grandparents take video.   And if I feel this proud NOW of what I've done, imagine how I'll feel at goal.


To know the pride and accomplishment of being at goal weight?

Putting your mind to something and doing it is not new to me.  There were so many things going against me when I applied to medical school.  I didn't have straight As. I didn't score that great on the MCAT. Unlike everyone else, and I'm not kidding everyone, I interviewed with I am not a child of a doctor.  I was overweight. The suit I wore that day was a size 18/20.  I came from a single parent home and we didn't have the money to pay for med school. BUT, I didn't let anything stop me. NOTHING. I was determined to be a doctor. I KNEW IN MY BONES that this is what I was meant to do.  AND I didn't care how long it took, I was going to do it somehow, someway.   Don't get me wrong. I had moments of self doubt. I even thought about not applying to med school at all.  But, I realized that I couldn't let fear get in my way.  It was hard, terrifying at times. Exhausting. Nearly destroyed my marriage. BUT, I made it through and achieved my goal.

So you listen to me self:  Cut this shit out. This fat will kill you. KILL YOU. And this isn't easy. Did you think it would get EASIER? That's bullshit. It doesn't get easier. It will likely get harder. But, that's OK. YOU can do this. YOU CAN. There is no such thing as perfection, but that doesn't mean you can't strive for it. Set the bar high. IF YOU DON'T, YOU'LL NEVER REACH IT.  And challenges are not about pleasing others or beating others. They are about CHALLENGING yourself.  Being afraid you can't do it will only result in your NOT doing it.

So I'm not afraid. Failure is not an option. I will not give up. Not ever. And I'm in, Allan.....ALL in.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Good Times. Good Times.

Well, I'm sure it's no surprise to most of you, but winter cold kinda sucks. I'll tell you that North Texas doesn't deal well with this crap. Not at all. And it is sooooooo cold. High today will be 20 and cloudy with a chance of snow again. Sweet LORD. The kids are out of school again, third day in a row and they are starting to get the crazies.

Tuesday morning we got a bunch of sleet and rain and ice. Thunder sleet is weird. Just weird. We decided that it just wasn't safe to open the office with the temps dropping so we canceled and stayed home. Tuesday I spent the day watching movies and hanging out with the kids as Nanny can't drive in this stuff and Husband had to work from home.  I cooked a big pot of chili. I didn't have any ground beef so I used some turkey with a little sausage with black beans and corn. It was awesome good. The kids loved it and it was healthy at 170 calories per cup.  We watched movies all day. Played some board games and enjoyed our time.
Topped with light sour cream and baked chips

Yesterday was a WHOLE other story. My youngest woke up in the middle of the night with fever Tuesday night. She was in our bed. We woke up to a statewide power emergency. That emergency landed smack dab on our house and we had no heat for 5 hours yesterday. It was COLD. Really cold. We bundled up and covered in blankets. Of course it didn't slow down the kids who were happily running around like banshees. I had to force my little sick one to bundle up. On top of that fun, I woke up yesterday with a massive asthma attack and getting a bit of little girl's cold. Great. When the power did come on I was feeling too bad to do much.

Due to the bad roads and power issues, we closed the office again yesterday and that means we HAD to get to work today. Luckily even though the temp was really cold, we got some sun. The roads are icy, but not too bad if you're careful.  I arrived at work with no problems only to find out we have no water. Fabulous. A doctor's office without water. Sigh. We are managing and we've got people coming to check it out. Until then, I'll have to hold it. So, I'm being easy on the water so far today. I'll just have to catch up at lunch when a potty is available.

My asthma is still an issue, but that's what inhalers are for.  Diet wise I've done ok the last few days trapped at home. Much better than in the past. I did eat 1500 cal which is above my goal, but I wouldn't call this a binge. I resisted the urge to bake cookies despite the fact that there is cookie dough in my freezer from the kids fund raiser. I didn't lose control as in the past. I used to feel like snow days were freebies as far as food goes. That's a definite improvement.  PLUS I still tracked and recorded all my food so it is definitely a long way from a year ago.

There's a lot of talk about Allan's challenge and phase 4 ending and 5 about to start. I'm still trying to decide whether to join. The problem I have is I have to be accountable to myself. That's who I have to be accountable for the rest of my life. Challenges are an issue for me as it feels like a diet. It feels like I have to "be good" when I really should be focused on changing my way of life. It's a mental thing. I track and eat 1200calories almost always, even with traveling, even with parties.  I exercise regularly. 

If I'm in a challenge I see it as a "program".  I also had trouble remembering to send Allan my weight on time. I don't know why. I get busy, blah blah blah. But, the end result is that I end up feeling like I'm letting Allan down. Instead of realizing it's ME I let down when I don't eat like I should, exercise like I should and weigh in for me. So, I don't know that I'll join in this time. I really need to keep the focus on me and what I'm doing instead of on doing what I think someone else wants me to do.  I just think it puts me in a bad mindset when I feel like I'm "losing" a challenge or "not doing it right".  Does this make sense to anyone?

On the other hand, I have made a lot of mistakes lately. And it does help when I'm called on it. Of course the number on the scale should be a good enough reminder, right? I've eaten more carbs than I should. I've eaten more than I should at times. I need to make sure I focus on fruits and veggies. Healthy protein and staying very focused on exercise and getting all my cardio in. 

For now, I'm trying to get through this day without having to pee or poop at work. Have a great day!

Progress to TouchDown and GOALLLL!!