This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Hey....I don't look TOO fat in this picture. Cool.

This week has been an endless blur of school events. The last one was today. My son's 8th grade graduation. Gulp. I just can't believe he'll be in high school next year. How did that happen? Today I've been running around and attending the school stuff so no exercise yet. I have a TKD class tonight at 6:30pm. I hate going to the late class. Mainly because I'm so tired by then, but we do what we must, no?  We took the kiddo for lunch after his ceremony. He chose Chili's. I have to say it's not my favorite place because there are not too many good choices. I had the salmon grilled dry and double broccoli instead of rice. It was tasty and very filling. For breakfast I had a protein shake. I've done a good job getting in my water so I should be hydrated before class tonight. Tomorrow I'm off work. Still entertaining the in-laws. I'll be cooking dinner. They want lasagna which I'll do for them and big huge salad for me. I have another TKD class tomorrow and the the test on Saturday.

I haven't posted pics in a long time. Mainly due to my frustration with the recent weight gain. I'm down 2 pounds this week. If I can keep the trend going, I'll be proud. I'm trying not to focus on the scale as it frustrates me and that can lead to mistakes. Instead I'm trying to focus on my fitness level which my friends is amazing compared to 2 years ago. When I look back on where I was it's amazing. I am in WAY better shape that I look. Cover, book....all that. I'm a work in progress. Today I'm posting a couple of pics. The one on the left is from today. I don't like how this dress photographs. It looks better in person, but what caught my eye was my legs which look much more slender than before. I have defined ankles here. The other is from yesterday at my daughter's 2nd grade ceremony. I was crouched down for a pic with her thinking my Father-in-law would zoom in on our faces. Instead he got my whole body. My arm looks big due to the angle, but check out my thigh and belly.   My immediate thought was, "Hey....I don't look horribly fat there." 

Which is a HUGE improvement considering my first thought about every picture of me used to be, "I'm so very fat."  And especially in that position. PLUS I'm crouched down all the way and I couldn't even squat like that 2 years ago let alone stay there that way for a good 5 min while little miss goofy face got her smile going. Seeing that pic made me feel proud for the first time in a while. I needed that. I really have felt like I've taken such a step backward and not to deny that I've gained because I have, but compared to where I was, I'm still on the right track. I haven't given up and I won't. I've got to remember how far I've come and give myself credit. Doing that helps me believe I can keep going. I CAN do this. I can lose weight and I WILL make this a life long health change.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

MIA? No just IA!

Sorry for the no posting. I am so freaking busy and overwhelmed lately. I'm sure you are tired of hearing that from me. I am totally surprised that it's been 13 days since I last posted. Sigh...I will try and recap and update you on what's been up.

Since last I wrote I've had an emotional time with my cousin's birthday and the first year since he died. I'm still struggling with his death and I feel so silly even typing that a year later, but it's just plain true. His birthday would have been the 18th and that weekend was rough. He would of been 41. I had a binge. I know it didn't help anything that we had a block party that night. There was a lot of food and temptation. I did all the right things-planned ahead, took something healthy, had a healthy snack before I went.  When I got there I felt like I was pretending to be happy, I felt guilty for being happy and then I made the mistake of having a margarita. There's nothing wrong with an occasional drink. I do it now and then, but bad timing for me with my guard down and already vulnerable and before I knew it I had 2 drinks and 3 cookies. This led to guilt the morning after and more sadness which led to more bad choices. I know what went wrong. I've worked through a lot of the issues.  I'm learning and it was the first binge in a long time. I'm moving forward.

Last week was busy, but better. I've been working out a lot as I move toward my brown belt test which is Saturday. Yikes! Last week I worked out every day, except Sunday when I rested. I've been eating well considering I have my in-laws visiting and I've been cooking for them and entertaining. They'll be here through this weekend. The holiday weekend was great. I cooked 10 pounds of beans or the annual boy scout BBQ. That's a LOT of beans. We fed about 1000 people. It was HOT. After we went home and hit the pool. Overall I'm happy with the way I've done on my diet. With all the distractions, I've done well.

Yesterday I went to 2 TKD classes. I burned over 1500 calories in exercise. I was STARVED last night at dinner. I had a huge salad, a small steak and veggies. I had watermelon for dessert. All week we have end of year activities with the kids. Yesterday was my baby's kindergarten graduation. Today was my 2nd grader and tomorrow is my 8th grader's graduation. Sniff sniff. Mommy's so proud and sad but I'm too busy to think a whole lot about it.

Saturday is my brown belt test. It will likely last about 4-5hours. I'll be on the move for most of that time. I really feel ready. I know the material. I'm just a little worried about my left knee that I tweaked while gardening. Oh yeah.....the garden is coming in and we have some great tomatoes and cucumbers coming up. So anyway, I figure I just have to demonstrate the material. I know the sparring will be hard and suck and I'll likely get beat up, but I'm ok with it. I don't have to win a match, just survive it. I also have to break a board with my hand this time and one with a kick. Should be fun.

Speaking of fun, I ordered the P90X. I'm looking forward to starting it, but I'm going to wait until after my vacation so I don't have to interrupt the program. Until then, I'm training for TKD, seeing my trainer and the usual workouts. I'm up to 30 push ups which I think is fabulous considering I couldn't do 5 when I started. Yesterday we did 150 crunches in the first class and 90 in the other. I did 30 push ups in the first class and 15 in the other. My arms were burning. This morning I was only a little stiff in the hamstring and I stretched it out. I feel better. I didn't get my workout at lunch because of work and it pissed me off. Tonight I'll practice TKD and stretch at least. Tomorrow I'll do at least one class and 2 if I can. I'm actually in pretty good shape for a fat chick.

This weekend we tried something new on the grill- pineapple. I just cut off the skin, rubbed a little cinnamon and brown sugar and slapped it on there. OMG what an AWESOME dessert. It was sooo good and the kids LOVED it.

We have a leak in our roof, but we're not sure where. The last 2 nights we've had storms and we have had water coming in around our ceiling fan in the bedroom. We can't figure out how the water is getting in. It's annoying and I haven't slept very well the last several nights.

Oh yeah. Did I mention my in-laws are here? So I'm tired and I'm rambling and that's about it for now. I really want to get back to more regular posts. I feel like I'm the hamster on the wheel and the wheel just goes faster and faster!

I've been reading and catching up on all your blogs today. Stay the course and move my friends. I'll let you know how the rest of the week and the test goes. I'm so nervous!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

I'm Freaking out, man!

So far this week is going very well. No illness (knock knock) so far this week, thank the Lord.  I'm doing pretty well mood wise even though I've had my cousin on my mind all week with his birthday coming up tomorrow. He would have been 41. It seems just way too young to die.  I've spent some time talking to my Aunt online and it's hard, but getting easier.

My diet has been great this week. I'm eating well. I'm so glad it's watermelon season again!  I bought another one at Sam's yesterday. My family can eat a giant one every few days. My youngest can eat her WEIGHT in watermelon. And I will not complain as it's so healthy.  Tuesday we had ground turkey tacos and they were so tasty with the fresh avocado I picked up at Costco over the weekend.  Last night we had an event at a burger joint-Mooyah Burger.   I'd never been there before. We just don't eat out much anymore but they were donating a portion of the proceeds to our TKD charity. I had planned on a burger with no bun, but was pleasantly surprised to see they had turkey burgers. Instead of a bun you can get it wrapped in iceberg lettuce.  It was really good. I ate it with a fork so it was like a burger salad, complete with tomatoes onion and pickles with mustard for dressing. After that we went to Cherry Berry for frozen yogurt. I had a kid sized sugar free/fat free strawberry yogurt with berries. I love frozen yogurt and it was a real treat.

Exercise is going great so far. I was SO sore yesterday. Monday I trained with my trainer and he had me doing a ton of squats and other leg stuff. At the time I thought, "Wow, what a great workout. I worked hard, but I feel great, not overly beat." Yeah..... TKD class Tuesday was a beating. The instructor says, "OK today we're going speed things up and hit it hard." Yep and we did. We did kicking drills that had him breathing heavy and he NEVER gets like that. That workout on my already sore legs was pretty hard and a couple of times I just could not get my kicks high enough due to the soreness.   But after I was so proud of myself for hanging with all the really in shape people and keeping up with them just fine. Not every kick was perfect, but I did them all, so there!

Yesterday I knew I'd have to work out in the morning since I had a meeting at lunch. I decided I just wasn't in the mood for the bike, so I pulled out one of my old Biggest Loser DVDs and did that instead. It was a nice change of pace and I enjoyed it. It was a major NSV when I realized it is WAY easier than I remember it being, but it was still a good workout and I was sweaty and happy afterward. This morning I decided I'd do the body sculpting part with weights. That was nice and a pretty good ab workout, although I'll admit it's WAY easier for me now.  I'm convinced I can do P90X so I'm going to go ahead and get it. I really want to try and and I've been thinking about it a long time.

Today, I have TKD at noon and I'm dreading it a bit because my legs and shoulders are a little sore still, but I'm ready AND MAJOR FREAKOUT MOMENT OF THE WEEK= 16 days until my brown belt test. ACK!  I know the material. Now it's just a matter of perfecting it. AND getting myself ready for the ordeal of the test. Our tests are about 4-5 hours long and it's spent exercising pretty much the whole time between kicking drills, kicks on the bags and paddles, breaking holds, one-step sparring, forms, Staff one steps, staff forms, BOARD breaking(I get to do 2 boards this time-one with my hand, then other a kick!), and THEN sparring. We have 2-3 1 minute sparring matches to complete. I told my friend that it's OK, we'll be fine but I still get nervous.  We're not expected to win the matches, just survive. Ha ha. And survive is the truth as we have to do 2 matches of belts higher than us (usually a black belt now) and then 1 of a belt under us. A lot of times that means I end up in matches with teenagers who are....well.....faster, fitter, jump higher. BUT they do not kick HARDER, so there. Anyway......I just want to survive the ordeal and I'm trying not to freak out too much.

Other than that, my week is good and I'm staying on track. Lot's of busy things for the weekend coming up. The closer the end of school, the faster things go.  Anyhoo--- how's your week? Any NSVs to share for this week?  Anything got you freaking out lately?

Monday, May 14, 2012

You'll Always Be Fat.........and other BS

Sorry for the missing persons act. Last week really sucked. I had a really bad sinus infection and THEN I got a stomach bug on top of that. Wednesday and Thursday I went home at lunch each day to nap and dove into bed at night. On Friday I was off, but I had some things that had to be done with the kids. After that I went home and crashed again. I felt somewhat better on Friday and I was able to eat some chicken soup. That evening we had to drive to Oklahoma. Saturday was the Ostrich Egg breakfast at the OKC Zoo. It's a really fun event where you go have omelets and other breakfast foods and then spend the day at the zoo. I had actually won tickets in the raffle drawing last year for this year's breakfast plus t-shirts so we really needed and wanted to go. Plus I really needed to check in with the family.

Needless to say the drive was less than pleasurable for me and my lingering nausea. That on top of my normal car sickness and I was absolutely miserable. Once we arrived and I was no longer moving, I felt better. Plus I had some sprite and crackers. I slept pretty well and by the next morning I was a lot better. I was able to eat an omelet and even a little coffee and juice and I went the whole day at the zoo without throwing up! Yippee! The day at the zoo was fabulous. It was overcast and cool with a nice breeze so we walked the whole place this time and the kids had a ball. There is a little baby elephant, a baby giraffe and lots of other babies.  Nothing better than baby animals. Even the little wild piglets were cute. By Saturday evening I felt nearly normal.

On Sunday we got up early and went out for breakfast.  Then we drove home. This drive was MUCH more pleasant. That evening my husband grilled some chicken breasts and corn on the grill. My mom came over and we had a nice dinner for Mother's Day. I even got to finish the day with a nice long bath.

Needless to say I didn't workout much last week nor did I spend much time thinking about food or tracking. Today I was so happy to be feeling better I didn't even mind that it was Monday.  I ate well and met with my trainer at lunch. This evening was kids and homework and dinner and baths and all the usual.

I am just absolutely determined to get myself back on the track to lose more weight. I've got to get back to the weight I was. It is very frustrating for me to have gained weight. It's brought back a lot of those old worries and feelings. That negative self talk is so imbedded in my brain.

"You'll always be fat."
                                      "Why do you bother?"
                                                                             "You'll never lose all that weight"
                                                                                                                               "What's the point?"

I had made a lot of progress to reprogram these voices. They'd almost disappeared or at least were easy to ignore. Lately, not so much.  Sometimes these appear in the voice of my father. Theses were things he said to me often. After being on steroids so long and all the other emotional things I've been through over the last year and the resulting weight gain, my confidence has been down.  It makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to lose all this weight. That's a terrible way to think about this and it's that mentality that got me to 274 pounds.
Every single time I've tried to lose weight in the past these thoughts would kick in and I would give up. I would decide that I just needed to accept the fact that I would always be fat and be happy the way I was.

One day I woke up and decided no more. I decided that I was done with all that and that there was absolutely no reason why I couldn't get healthy and lose weight. I don't know what made it happen. I know I had a few patients actually do what I told them and started eating healthy and losing weight. One lady told me I'd saved her life.  And I thought, "Saved your life? What about my life? When will I be ready to save my life?" I decided right then.

Don't ask me why it is so hard to remember the urgency of the situation when I'm in the middle of a difficult or emotional situation.  I don't know why I have such emotional connections to food. I don't know why I fool myself into thinking I'll feel better after eating that cookie or cake or pizza or whatever. Because I never do. I still feel sad, angry, happy, or bored, but on top of it I'm full physically and sick to my stomach most of the time AND guilt ridden for eating all the crap. The guilt of course breeds more of that negative self-talk and round and round we go.

I'm not in denial anymore. I realize I'm fat and I'm not happy with the way I look or feel. I'm not where I want to be physically. The fact that I was 20 pounds lighter 6 months ago doesn't help because I know how much better I felt inside and out then. But on the glass half full side, I know I can lose weight. I have done it and more than a few pounds. A lot of pounds and I know HOW to do it again. I know I CAN lose weight and I know I still WANT to lose the weight.

More importantly, eating a healthy diet and working out are my new normal. Before my normal was doing nothing and eating crap. Sure there were weeks or even a month where I'd eat right, workout and lose weight. But it wasn't the norm. It was a diet. It was a temporary thing. It never lasted.

These days if I don't workout at least 3 times a week minimum I feel like crap. I crave to move. I actually have exercise goals. Things I wish I could do. Things I know I CAN do if I put in the work.  The idea of getting my black belt is not just a wish, it's a goal. It's a reality to me now and it's opened up so many other possibilities. Things like-running, swimming, biking, Zumba, P90X, rappelling, zip lines, climbing, hiking, and even surfing. Hell, most anything I see others doing as far as exercise goes sounds like something I'd like to try.  To me it's like a WHOLE other side of life I never knew existed. I had no idea the things I was missing. And these are things that I know now are not impossible. These are things I really would like to try. It frustrates me that don't have MORE time to dedicate to them because I truly believe I can do them.

And I've hung on to that feeling. It's part of me now. I feel awesome after a workout. Invincible. Bad ass. In shape. Absolutely not words I would have ever used to describe myself before. It's sustaining me through this slump in my weight loss and my exercise goals are absolutely what are keeping me on track and headed in the right direction.

I've still got a lot of work to do. Most of it the emotional  kind. This week would have been my cousins 41st birthday. It still seems so strange not to have him here and there are so many things about his death that are still horribly painful.  This week is the 2 month anniversary of my Uncle's death. My family is grieving and it is so hard to see his wife of 44 years deal with his loss. What I need to do is realize that my feelings of sadness are not ME and not a reflection of my worth. Just because I'm sad doesn't mean life is bad or that I need food to comfort me. Food is not comfort. It's just food. I'm working hard to find comfort in other things.

"You'll always be fat."


Thursday, May 3, 2012

I'm Still Here......

I'm here. I'm really tired this week. Hubby out of town. I had a migraine most of the week. Luckily today it is gone. Yea!  Having trouble with motivation, especially yesterday but I find that is much worse when I'm tired. Today is a bit better with the headache improved.

I weighed in on Monday and I had lost 2 pounds. My efforts at tracking through the weekend paid off. I did work out on Saturday with my stationery bike and some stretching. Sunday I didn't do much as that's when the migraine hit. I spent a good portion of that day laying around and hoping my head would just explode and relieve some of the pressure.

Monday was a long day. I worked, then picked up my son at lunch and took him to the doctor. Worked some more and then went to Boy Scouts with him. I did a gillion physicals for his troop and we didn't get home until nearly 10pm. Needless to say About 100 pre-teen and teen age boys didn't help that headache. Tuesday I was sooooooo tired. Work was busy and I ran late so I missed my noon TKD class which only made me grumpier. But, I finished in time to make the 5:40pm class after work. OOPs, I forgot my belt. DANG IT. Can't go to class without it. Luckily I had just enough time to run home, get the belt and make class. I was YAWNING during class, but I made it through and the workout probably helped the headache.

Yesterday was hectic. I got the kids to school and had to run a few errands at lunch. After work I had to run home and pick up my son for a special meeting for him. He advances to Life scout on Monday at Court Of Honor. For those of you who don't know that's the rank just before Eagle. It's basically 6 months to a year now until Eagle and he's very excited. He was also nominated for the Scout Honor Society Order of the Arrow. This is wonderful news, but we just found out this week and it means a camping trip this weekend. He already had a band trip this weekend and hubby doesn't get home until late Friday. We spent yesterday trying to figure a way to do both and then came to the conclusion we can't. Luckily there is another ceremony/camping trip for the OA in August and he'll be inducted into it then.

I didn't drink enough water yesterday. I also didn't eat enough protein. Those 2 mistakes led to my making a couple of bad choices last night. I went over my calories by a bit. I woke up this morning and I was mad at myself. But, then I realized that I can't undo it. I can only move forward. So I ate a good breakfast and I'm moving on. I went to TKD class again today and it was a hard workout because there were only 3 of us in class. That means I had 1 to 1 time with the instructor which is awesome but also means I got no rest time. I did some speed drills with low to high round house kicks. I hit the bag a little off with one kick and my left foot is a little sore. My fault because I forgot to wear my shin and instep guards. Dufus. Thank God for ibuprofen.

Tonight I have to do the single mom thing again and get a little work finished. I found out we can get our taxes all done as the business taxes are finished. We always have to file an extension because of our complicated corporation blah blah blah.  Anyhoo.....the best news is I'm off tomorrow. I'm returning to taking Fridays off. I used to do this regularly. I stopped for a while but now I am going back to it. During the summer I have to pay Nanny a LOT of overtime. My day off avoid this and also allows me some extra time with the kids. They are growing up so very fast and I feel like I'm missing so much of it. I haven't been up at their school nearly as much this year even though I take off when something special is happening. I don't get to just drop in and do lunch with them. Of course that's because lunch is at 10:30 and 11:00am! ANYWAY...I have a super-secret girl day scheduled with a friend for movie and shopping and I'm super happy psyched out.

My goal for this weekend is to track like last week. Work out Friday and Saturday and stay within my calorie goal. It's really not too lofty of goals. I'm increasing my cardio next week I return to am cardio and twice a day work outs when possible. I will be testing for brown belt on June 2nd and.....yes my friends ....it's never to early to start praying..ha ha!  It's never too early to prepare. I'm in better shape and stronger but I weigh more than I did at my last test. That makes me angry, but determined.  I've reminded myself that my goals are about more than just the scale and that I am so far from where I was. I am strong and proud.  After all, brown belt is only 2 belts from black!  Who would've thought I would be even making it through one class of TKD 2 years ago let alone 2 belts from black!!!

You can do this! You have to believe. You have to keep going no matter what gets in your way. I've had health problems and steroid weight gain. I've dealt with the death of one of the most important people in my life. I've battled many challenges and I've not quit. I won't. There are no excuses. The only thing keeping me from my goals is me. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

What about you?  Is there something you are letting in your way? How are you going to get around it? What's holding you back?

Progress to TouchDown and GOALLLL!!