This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.

Thursday, October 27, 2011


Every once in a while......well....maybe more frequently than that..........I come across something that makes me stop and think, "SERIOUSLY?"  It is a moment that just doesn't make sense to me or one that makes me really stop and think. I've been jotting these down lately to share here with you. Here we go:

  • A few weeks ago my husband came home with what he thought would be a nutritious drink for him and the kids. Bless his heart. He hasn't really gotten in the habit of reading labels. Here's the first thing I looked at.

And that made me think of THIS

Seriously?  The first label is from V 8 Fusion strawberry banana.  170 cal. 42g of carbs, 38g sugars.  The second picture is from Coke. 140 cal, 39g of carbs, 39 grams of sugar.  Now I will admit that at least the V8 has vitamins and is from "fruit".  But, drinking your calories is bad. Ask Jack who posted on it just today.  Packaging drinks this filled with sugar as a health drink is silly and deceptive. The lesson here?  Read your labels. SERIOUSLY.

  • Why do we need candles, room spray and soaps that smell like food?  I mean every time I wash my hands at the office I get a whiff of "warm vanilla" or "homemade cookie" or "apple pie".  It's stupid to me as it makes me remember the taste and flavor of those things all day long. I mean, do I really need to smell some wonderful dessert like caramel apple all day? Seriously? What happened to a nice lavender or gardenia? Is our country that obsessed with food? Seriously?
  • There are times in my job where I have to bite my tongue, smile, shake my head and try to not over react. Recently this has happened several times. Mostly on the subject of medications. There are times when we need to use medications. It is true everything comes with risks and benefits. Doctors should not over prescribe and I certainly don't want to use a medication unless it is really needed.   I just don't get a person who smokes a 1/2 pack a day and refuses to take a cholesterol lowering drug or a medication to reduce blood sugar because they don't want "chemicals" in their body.  Or how about refusing to take medications for hypertension, but asking for an antibiotic with every little sniffle.  Seriously?
  • Today I was driving to work behind a mini-van with 2 car seats in the back. The TV was on some cartoon.  Seriously? As if your kids don't get enough screen time at home. And before you jump on me, I too have a TV in my van. It is reserved for long trips. There is no reason why my children cannot sit and look out a window, read a road sign or two, or perhaps TALK to me for short trips. In fact I love the time I spend with the kids in the car on the way to school or after activities. Turn the thing off. Get to know your kids. Sing a song with them. Your kids spend enough time in front of one kind of screen or another. Seriously.
  • Yesterday I read this.  It is an article about a new study published in the New England Journal of Medicine that shows that there is a biological and hormonal change that takes place when we lose weight.  Seriously?  It is a very small study and had no control group, but the findings were still interesting to me. A few years ago, Leptin, a hormone produced by fat cells, was discovered.  It helps to regulate appetites and the feeling of being full and satisfied when we eat.  We thought we'd found the "cure" for obesity. Didn't turn out that way, at least not yet. But this recent study shows that patients on a very low calorie diet who lose weight do have a change in their hormone balance that could influence their ability to maintain weight loss.   This could be a key in understanding why people have such a hard time maintaining their weight loss and may explain why it is so easy to re-gain.  The more we understand the biochemistry of obesity, the more likely we can fight it.   For now, there is no pill for weight loss or to help you keep your weight off. It's just EAT RIGHT, MOVE MORE. The end. Don't wait for a miracle cure. Seriously.
  • So last night at dinner we were having a conversation about the World Series and how we want the Rangers to win when my daughter said something that stopped me in my tracks.  "But, no matter who wins, it's just a game, right Mom?  I mean it's not really that important."  Seriously? I struggled to explain in a way that would make sense to a 7 year old. Of course in the grand scheme of things like life or death, baseball is not that important. But, I don't want my kids to grow up thinking everyone gets a trophy. The world is hard and competitive. These athletes have worked their whole life for this moment. They set a goal, worked hard and they are close to achieving it. Being successful is not the MOST important thing in life but it is important.  I think it is awesome that my kid sees the really valuable things in life. She understood immediately that there are more important things than a game. That makes me proud. Seriously.
What about you? Ever have a moment where you thought, "Seriously?"  Care to share it?

Wednesday, October 26, 2011


Here we are and it is already Wednesday!  This week has been so hectic that I can't believe it. We've had computer problems at the office which is a nightmare, especially on the cusp of flu season. Monday we had parent-teacher conferences and with 3 kids I spent a lot of time running from the office to their schools. I don't know how parents that have jobs that aren't flexible do it or with more than 3 kids! You'd have to take the whole day off.

I'm still struggling with my breathing. I am having a terrible time with my allergies and that has pretty much precluded me from being outside much. We certainly cannot sleep with the windows open, even with this nice fall weather.  Overall I feel better.  I have to admit that I am still in somewhat of a funk, but I am battling it.

I made it through my whirlwind weekend with good effort on my diet. I weighed in on Monday and I hadn't gained any weight. Today I'm down a pound. I feel like I'm back on track. I realized yesterday that I still have a lot of work to do with being consistent. I know, no news flash there. But, I found myself really amused with myself. Always in the past when I'd start a diet I'd be all about the food. I would count points or calories or whatever perfectly, but I couldn't get it together with the exercise. I hated to workout then. NOW. Totally opposite. Now I focus on working out. I love the exercise. I have not blown the eating, no way. But, my focus is so much less on the food.

This realization for me is both good and bad. The good news is that I don't sit around thinking about food. Obsessing about what I can eat. Eating all day trying to satisfy SOMETHING inside myself.   I still enjoy food. I still eat more than I should at times. But it is different now. It doesn't last nearly as long when I veer from the correct path. I don't spend days or weeks binging on fast food, buying sweets or drinking sodas. Now it's ONE soda, ONE bad meal and generally I'm back on track. That's great! And such a new thing for me.

On the other hand, I cannot lose my focus on healthy eating either. I've got to find the "sweet spot" where I can balance the two. I think I give myself too much wiggle room on my eating when I work out. I've got to focus on keeping my calories where they need to be so I can keep losing. I have to continue to be consistent for longer periods of time so I can stop this jagged weight graph I've got going here. Up, down, down, Up Up down down. Three steps forward and two steps back takes MUCH longer to get where you're trying to go.

I've been really trying to pay attention to how I feel after I eat, both physically and emotionally. It isn't news to me that when I eat carbs, I'm hungrier. But, lately I've noticed that I'm so emotionally sensitive to carbs. I feel great for a short time and then I crash into "moody me".  I've started reading the book Wheat Belly. I don't know yet how far I'll go with eliminating grains, although I've pretty much done that albeit not consistently. It's an interesting theory anyway.

One thing that I have trouble with is snacks for low carb. Other than nuts, which I love but can be higher calorie, what do you eat for snacks on low/no carb diets? Meals are no problem, but snacks are harder. I eat fruit for snack often which is fine. I try to stick to lower glycemic index fruits. But, I'm wondering what low cal, low carb snacks you all eat. 

I hope you all are focused as we speed into the holidays. I realized this morning that my husband bought several bags of candy last week. I haven't even looked to see how many or what kind. A couple of years ago I would be going to buy more candy this week after having eaten the first batch. Times change. People change. I'M CHANGING. All for the better is my goal.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Whirlwind Weekend

I am better finally and my breathing has improved. I went to TKD class last night and I made it through although it was hard. I felt better over all last night. Thanks for all the well wishes and comments from my last post. I appreciate it.

I weighed today and suffice it to say that my weight is up. Thank you, Jan, for reminding me that tracking my food really isn't that taxing and I realized I was using my sickness as an excuse. Truth be known I didn't want to write down what I was eating because some of it was stuff I shouldn't have whether I was sick or not.  I'm happy to report I'm back on track since yesterday with tracking, my water and exercise.

I got some really hard news yesterday. It seems my godmother will need chemo after all for her breast cancer. She had negative lymph nodes, thank goodness, but some of the DNA testing came back showing high risk for recurrence without chemo. She was really bummed about it and I can't say as I blame her.  It's hard being a doctor and not being able to "fix" someone you love. The good news is that with treatment her prognosis is excellent.

We have a very busy weekend ahead. Tomorrow we'll be dropping my son off at his school early so he can travel to Six Flags with his band. Then we'll drive to Oklahoma for the football game. We have a birthday party for my cousin's daughter in the afternoon. The OU game is that night. Then we'll get up super early and head back home so we can drop off the kids with Nana and the hubbie and I will be going to the Cowboys game. It will be very tiring with a lot of perilous food situations. I'm a little concerned considering my current emotional state, but I am confident I can handle it well. I'm determined because I am not going to weigh on Monday and be up anymore weight. That's not acceptable.

I was really looking forward to this game becuase we're playing the Rams and I wanted to see former Sooner Sam Bradford play. But it looks like he is injured and it's unlikely he'll play. The other down side is that the Rangers game on Saturday night is the same time as the OU game. Thank goodness for my ESPN app on my iphone. (assuming I can get some bandwidth going with the other 84,000 fans in the stadium) PLUS there is a Ranger game on Sunday evening and the football and baseball stadiums are less than a mile apart. Parking is going to be WILD and expensive and traffic a mess, BUT....it's football my dears and I will endure most anything willingly to see my favorite sport.  

I wish I could afford and could get World Series tickets, but that's not going to happen. A patient told me this week that they ended up throwing away some tickets for the ALCS because they could find anyone to buy them. AHHH! I told the patient that if that ever happened again to call me because I might buy them. What a waste. I guess tickets were easier to get this year than last otherwise I might have tried to get some myself. Last year they were ridiculous.

I am planning a TKD class after work tonight. There will be tons of walking (usually about 3 miles) for the football game on Saturday and at least a significant amount for the one Sunday. Now if I can control my eating I'll be really back on track.

Have a good weekend. What are your favorite sports? Have you ever been to a college football game? What about a NFL game? I've never been to a MLB game although I've been to many college games when I lived in Omaha for the College World Series.  Take care all!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Sick and Tired

You haven't heard from me this week. I'm sorry. It's been a really bad weekend and last few days. My son and husband were sick last week with a virus and I ended up with it. I was in bed all weekend. I don't know why I've been so unlucky lately with the illnesses. I'm taking my vitamins and sleeping and eating healthy. Sigh.

Anyway, with my asthma and my subglottic stenosis (scar tissue narrowing in my upper airway) when I get a cold or virus it hits hard and takes longer for me to recover. Any little swelling in my airway and I'm wheezy and have trouble breathing. That makes me tired since I'm working harder to breathe and the end result is I feel like crap.  I even canceled patients Monday afternoon I was just so tired and exhausted and weak. Sigh. This is not something I do often or easily, but there are days I just can't make it. Before I had my surgery on my throat the first time I was canceling often because I couldn't speak complete sentences without getting winded. Luckily I'm no where near that bad. I know I'll need surgery again sometime in the next few months, but my ENT and I are trying to wait a bit longer. It's been 2 years since the last surgery. I'm hoping I can put it off a bit longer for a variety of reasons, not least of which is I want to wait until it's bad enough to really warrant the surgery.

So that's where I've been. Sick again. I'm so bad when I'm sick. No energy to track my food or really eat right and of course no exercise. Today is the first day I feel close to normal and I'm not there yet. I haven't worked out since Friday. Until today I could've cared less. I was that tired. Today I'm starting to feel the itch to work out, especially TKD. I'll see how I feel tomorrow and think about getting back to class. I just feel better when I'm working out.  I have not weighed this week. I am not going to either.

Tonight I have a board meeting and I just can't miss it. I really wish I could since I'm still not 100% and also since tonight is the first game in the World Series. But, I have to go and I'd feel way too guilty missing another meeting. I missed last month when I had strep throat.  Luckily my 2 girls haven't gotten sick and I'm hoping they won't.

On top of being sick, I've been pretty melancholy. I didn't realize until today why that was. I realized that last week was my Aunt's birthday. Of course that's not why I've been down. But, she is the mother of my cousin that died a few months ago. He always made a huge deal of his mom's birthday. I felt bad for her which got me thinking about him and all the issues surrounding his death and.....well you get the idea. I keep telling myself that grief is a process. I'm sure you are probably sick of seeing me type about this stuff. Frankly I'm tired of dealing with it. I wish grief was like strep throat. You get it. You are miserable. It sucks, but then it's gone. I guess my cousin's death was the first one so personal and close to me. He was my age and we were so close. There are a whole lot more issues surrounding his death which I cannot discuss here. Suffice it to say, the stages of grief are real.  Anger, denial, guilt, sadness.......you get the idea.

I'm just glad that I'm starting to feel better. I want to get back on track. I will not give up. Will not.

Friday, October 14, 2011

The Last 10%

Good Morning, All!

Well, with a husband home sick and my son home sick, I much preferred coming to work this morning. Of course I'm spending my extra time here instead of catching up on work because this is WAY more fun.  My favorite way to start my day is to sip my coffee while reading all of your blogs and commenting and writing my own posts. Lately I've been so busy I haven't had time to read all I want AND post as often as I want. Ah well, do your best. That's all I can do.

Anyway, this week has been good so far. I've been carb free since Tuesday and I think it is helping. I always forget how giving up carbs makes me eat more veggies. I eat a ton of fruit, which is good, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I spend more calories on fruit and forget my veggies. Plus eating carbs makes you crave more carbs, even if it is fruit.

Last night Nanny made a salad with orange slices, olive oil, a little salt, rosemary and black olives. She saw the recipe in the Parade magazine from Sunday's paper. Let me tell you I never in a million years would have tried those flavors together, but I'll tell you it was delish. I ate 2 small slices of orange, so technically that's a little carb, but I'm pretty sure it was not eating too many oranges that made me fat.

Yesterday I did two classes for TKD. TWO! I remember a year ago it took everything I had to get through 1 hour of class, now class is over and I'm like a little kid, "AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh! Mannnnn!" I really wish I could just have one day to work out until I feel I'm done. I wonder what I could do? Another thing, JUMPING JACKS. I remember a year ago it was hard to do the 10-12 we do in class. Now they are so easy. It got me wondering how many I could do in a row. Tomorrow it is on my agenda to find out.

I was on my way to work this morning analyzing my progress. That's what I do. I was thinking about how I've done this week and wondering how much weight I'll lose this week. I weigh every day. Today I was the same as yesterday. I was thinking about this week and realized that I've followed my plan really well. That made me proud. But, then I thought about all those days over the last few months where I didn't. The days I could have done better. I could have skipped that extra snack. I could have pushed myself to workout. I could have not given in to temptation. I realized I've come a LONG way. Lately, I am in my healthy eating and exercise 90% of the time.

BUT, what about that 10%??  It's that ten percent that is holding me back. It's that one slip, one day, one bite that is keeping me from my goals. Why am I not giving 100%?  Is 90% my best? I don't think so. I know it's not. Yesterday I read a wonderful post by Jack Sh*t. I love all his posts. They usually make me laugh or giggle or roll my eyes. Sometimes reading his stuff you forget what he's achieved just because he's so funny and silly. And then there's a post like yesterday. And I literally got goose bumps. You MUST read it. I did, over and over.

His post is all about having the strength-physical and mental to stay on this path to health. He really touched me with this part about the fact that just STARTING this journey took courage:

Think about it: you get up every morning, get out of bed and face the world head-on. You accept strangers’ stares, children’s cruel comments and friends’ “helpful” advice, all with a wane smile and gentle good grace. You’ve recognized the inner demons that have put you in the state you’re in, and you’re going about doing something about it. You’re getting your life in check, as well as providing emotional support for others who are also getting their lives in check.

And I realized that no matter how many times over the last 18 months I've wanted to quit, I haven't. Not when I had to have my gallbladder out. Not when I tore the muscle in my calf. Not when I was on vacation. Not through the holidays. Not on my birthday. Not when my cousin who was really more a brother to me died. Through all that I have struggled. I have been frustrated. I have been frightened. I have been discouraged. I've seen other bloggers give up. Many of the ones that were around when I started are gone now.

But I am still here.

I am still learning. I am still trying. I am still working toward my goals. Not just the goals for the scale, but all the others. I realized yesterday that I DO have goals. Tangible ones. In the past I have been hesitant to set any goals for my health because I've never achieved any. But, now my success has made me hungry for more. I want my black belt. I want it bad. And I realized yesterday that I can do it. I will do it. I want to run a 5K. Run the whole thing with a respectable time.  I want to see my goal weight. I want to feel what it' like to be thin. I want to walk in a store and never worry about finding my size. I want to wear a bathing suit in public and feel that I look GOOD.  I want my cholesterol to be normal. I want to never worry about getting diabetes like many in my family.  And did I mention I want to get my black belt?

And yesterday I realized reading Jack's post that a little part of me has been scared I couldn't do it. 10% maybe? That little part of me has been holding me back. Afraid I can't do it. Still afraid I'll fail.  Or maybe even afraid of succeeding. This is a whole new life for me. I've never been this person. I'm in uncharted and unfamiliar territory. I have counseled many patients on how normal it is to feel that way when your body is changing so drastically and how your mind will adjust. I never thought I'd face that fear of success, but here I am.  I am realizing that I need to be stronger. I need to have courage. And as far as I've come, there is more I can do.

I also realized that 90% of the time, this healthy life is easy for me now. It comes naturally. Choosing healthy foods, tracking, drinking my water, exercising nearly daily. All that is not a struggle anymore. It is habit now. So for those of you just starting, keep going. It does get easier. It really is my lifestyle now. I really don't think about those foods that used to occupy my thoughts. I don't crave the fast food, in fact it turns my stomach. This morning I realized that the cheesecake my husband ordered for me from Jason's deli on Saturday is still in the fridge untouched. I opened the fridge, saw it sitting there and my first thought was not, "YES! There's my breakfast" as it would have been. It was, "Eww. I need to throw that out it's old."

But, still there's that 10%.

That has to be my focus now. That last little part of me that is holding me back from my goals. The few times I make poor choices. The few times I don't work out when I should. The few times I just don't feel like I want to face this struggle anymore. I have to conquer that last 10%.  Jack said it best in his post:

You’ve got to get stronger because this is a long, uphill climb, and it will take its toll on you, both mentally and physically. You’ve got to get stronger because time is not on your side, and Life will jump up and throw hurdle after hurdle after hurdle in your path. You’ve got to get stronger because me and everyone else that follows your story aren’t going to be satisfied until you reach your goals.

And that is what I plan to do. I plan to get stronger. I plan to face and conquer that 10% because I am not going to let that tiny part of me hold me back from my goals, any of them.  You cannot achieve your goals by eating right 90% of the time or exercising 90% of the time or believing 90% of the time. It takes ALL OF YOU. All of your effort. All of your courage. All of your strength. All of your belief.

What about you? Are you all in? Or are you still holding back? What is in your 10%? What are you NOT giving up or not doing that is keeping you from your goals? Let's identify it so we can change it. Let's give 100%. That's what it's going to take.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

On the Bright Side........

I have written many times before about my propensity to negativity. If you don't remember, you can read about it in this post. I'm not sure where it comes from, but I feel like it must be partially biological as both my parents have depression and "issues".   I've worked very hard over the last year in trying to change my inner "self-talk" that can be so damaging.

Negative ideas and attitudes are a habit for me. I'm working very hard to try to catch them the minute they start and then turn them into positive thoughts. I'm hoping someday soon I can call myself a genuine "glass half-full" person, but right now it takes effort.  Not that I'm an unhappy person. On the contrary, I love me life. I love my family, my friends, my job, my home.  I enjoy my life and I spend most of my day happy and smiling. BUT, it's the thought pattern in my head I have to work on. Inside, I'm often plagued with "what ifs" and "if onlys". These thoughts just detract from all the things I'm thankful for.

This morning as I was driving my kid to football practice, there was a whole host of thoughts running through my brain, most of which were negative and grumpy, "I'm tired. My back hurts. I don't want to go to the gym. I wish I could just get a break. I'm too fat. Why do I have to work so hard to lose weight when other people are just thin?" And then I just.......stopped. I caught myself. I gave myself an inner shake of the shoulders and told myself to stop and turn it around. I began to thing of positive things in my life right now. And here is a list of what I came up with.

On the bright side...............

  • I tried on pair of dress slacks, very cute gray ones I bought on sale a while back, that I wasn't able to come close to buttoning or zipping a couple of months ago. Now I can do both, although it is still a little snug. A few more pounds and they'll look great, just in time for cooler weather.
  • My new size large lab coat is already getting too loose.
  • I can kick way over my head now. 
  • I can do those 60 crunches in TKD class without much effort.
  • My kids are all healthy and doing well in school.
  • I can wrap one of the small bath towels at the gym all the way around me now. Doesn't take 2 anymore and I'm not in danger of flashing everyone.
  • I'm lucky that I can afford a membership at a nice gym with helpful people where I feel comfortable working out.
  • I had a nice dry bed to sleep in last night as it was storming and pouring down rain.
  • It RAINED!
  • Only 40 days to my cruise.
  • My son played all 4 quarters in his football game last night on the d-line. He's one of the shorter and smaller kids on the line and he was the only one to get through the line nearly every play. Almost made a sack!
  • I'm close to learning all my material for the next TKD test. Now I just have to perfect it before December when I can get my purple belt.
  • When a lot of people have given up and quit TKD that started with me, I have not. I'm half-way to my black belt.
  • My husband continues to be supportive of my efforts at weight loss and exercise.
These are a few of the ones that popped in my mind. It's amazing what fills your mind when you push away all the negative things.

This week I've gone back to a no carb way of eating. Every once and a while when my weight loss slows or stalls, I try this and it usually jump starts my weight loss.  Yesterday I lost a pound and I'm on my way back to where I was. I'm tired of losing and regaining the same 2-3 pounds that I've been doing lately. That's not getting me where I want to be. I am taking control and I've been going back and reading my old posts to remind myself where I've been and how I got here.  I still believe that motivation doesn't just happen. You don't just wake up one day and suddenly you can do it. It takes work and focus.

I wonder how all of you manage your "down times" or your negative self talk.  Do you struggle with it as I do? Do you follow a low carb or no carb diet? What do you do when you hit a plateau? How do you keep your motivation going?

And...............Go Rangers!  Game 4 tonight!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Lazy, Happy, Weekend.

What a great weekend I had. The first time in 5 weeks I was home and I did absolutely nothing productive. Other than watch TV, particularly sports, I did nothing. I am not even feeling guilty or ashamed by it at all. It was so awesome to just be home.

Of course on Saturday the big event was the OU-Texas game, or as I like to call it....The Great Longhorn Slaughter of 2011.  What a great game my Sooners played! It was amazing and we were very very pleased. My husband and I stayed home to watch. The boy was camping and canoeing with Boy Scouts. I did indulge a bit in a little alcohol which is very rare for me, even during football these days. Then Saturday night, our Rangers won the first game in the play off series. Great weekend for sports.

I didn't spend a lot time watching sports yesterday since the baseball game got canceled and the NFL games were not of great interest to me, but I did tune in off and on. Mainly we spent yesterday watching Tivo. Poor thing is overstuffed. We watched that new show Terra Nova with the kids, it's the one with dinosaurs, and they really enjoyed it.  It was so nice to just chill out at home with the kids. It rained a lot yesterday and we needed it. We spent some time with the back door open listening to the sound of the rain.....a sound we haven't heard in a long time.  In fact we got SO much rain that my son's troop had to come home Saturday night. They got nearly 7 inches near where they were camping and not all the boys had rain gear for their tents.

Unfortunately, this morning I woke up with a migraine. All this changing barometric pressure is not great for my head.  I've taken some medicine, but I continue to struggle with it. I hate these dang migraines.  I decided to forgo the gym today and spent the time lying on the couch in my office with the lights out. I knew I had to get through the afternoon here at work. It helped a little but not much. Now I'm just counting down until I can get home to my dark bedroom.

As most of you know it is breast health month. I wrote a post on my other blog about it and you might want to check it out here.  I saw a cute post on facebook from my home town hospital's staff which was a video the made for a contest called the Pink Glove Dance. Apparently there is a contest you can enter to help raise money for breast cancer where people wear pink surgical gloves and dance. Kinda funny and I actually know a few people in the video.
There are several cute entries and you can vote for your favorite at www.pinkglovedance.com 

Have you or someone you know been affected by breast cancer? Have you ever participated in an event to raise money for breast cancer?  I haven't, but I'd like to. I know some people who did the 3 day walk, 60 miles, and I thought that was amazing. Back then it was not something I could even fathom doing, now it doesn't seem so impossible.

That's it for me on this long migraine ridden Monday. Hope you all had a good start to your week!

Friday, October 7, 2011

What a week!!!

Hard for me to believe I haven't posted all week. Sheesh. I am so very busy this week. It is killing me. I've gotten home late every night this week and it is wearing me absolutely OUT.  Today I am TIRED. Just plain tired. I haven't gotten enough sleep and it just occurred to me that maybe that is part of the reason the scale isn't moving this week, so far anyway.  Let's see, I'll give you the highlights of my week.

Monday night was my son's football game. That means I didn't get home until nearly 8pm. I did really well with eating that day. I also worked out with my trainer as I discussed in my last post. Let me tell you that after that workout sitting on metal bleachers was KILLER, especially on my back.  Tuesday I was super SUPER sore and I didn't get the morning workout I wanted because of it. I did attend TKD class as usual. It was hard as is usually the case, but the 100 crunches were very hard on my already sore abs.  That night I had a health fair to attend. Just marketing and community service stuff. Not too hard, but tiring as I was on my feet for 3 hours in heels. Got home at nearly 9pm and then had to get kids to bed, etc.

Wednesday was one of the highlights of my week. I was SOOOOO tired and sore.  I didn't sleep well Tuesday night because I was so tired I forgot to take some ibuprofen. PLUS I was up late helping my son with a genealogy project for school. It was very interesting to dig back in my family's past. I plan to do more now. We traced back to an ancestor born in 1660 in Virginia. Cool.  But, all that stuff Tuesday night made Wednesday morning a real bear. I had planned to run, but my hips were just shot after the hard workout Monday and then TKD. No freaking way.  I woke up in a mood and feeling very discouraged.

At lunch on Wednesday I had my usual hair appointment. I was so tired I nearly fell asleep several times and my stylist ( what is the proper word? Hair dresser? Whatever) told me I'd better wake up before I nod off and cause him to cut a big chunk out of my hair.  I tried and made it through without a disaster and went back to work with fabulous straightened hair. I enjoy those days becuase it's the only time my hair is straight. Showering 1-2 times a day after workouts just isn't conducive to trying to straighten my curls.

Anyhoo......somewhere late in the afternoon I finally perked up and I think it was excitement for Wednesday night's self-defense class. Our TKD gym had a free seminar for women only and I invited a bunch of the girls from the office. It was so super fun and I learned some things I didn't know before. A good workout, too!

So yesterday I was still struggling with soreness, especially my hip and SI joint.  Despite that I went to my TKD class at noon. It was a great class and I'm learning so much. It's hard. We did free sparring with knife defenses, not with a real knife of course.  I still have so much to learn!  THEN, after work I had to go back to TKD to pick up the kids. I realized I'd be sitting there for an hour watching them workout. That just seemed silly so I decided that now that we're in the same class, I might as well workout again. I joined their class and worked out for another hour after work.

Last night was a beating though because we didn't get home until nearly 8pm. My son had to complete that big project, or should I say WE had to complete the project. It turned out great, but we were up until midnight finishing it. (My son unfortunately inherited the procrastination gene from his father) I'm tired today, but finally less sore. I'm telling you that workout on Monday kicked my butt. Stupid, stupid stair master.  But, I'm not giving up on it. I'm going back to the gym next week to start working on working up my tolerance on that machine.  Tonight I have planned a TKD class after work

I have very little on tap for the weekend. It's the first weekend at home for us in like 5 weeks. Son has a camping trip with Boy Scouts. They're going canoeing on the Brazos River. I'm jealous. Wish I could go. Anyway, other than a FANTASTIC sports line up, I have little planned and I'm keeping it that way.  Can't wait for the OU-Texas game PLUS we have game one of the ACLS and the Rangers. Should be fun.

I'm frustrated by the fact that the scale hasn't moved. I've been hungry this week. Sometimes it seems like the more I exercise, the hungrier I am. I've kept my eating in line, I've eaten no more than 1300cal which was on my 2 workout day. I've had a little trouble getting all my water in at least at the level I usually do. I'm getting in the minimum, but not a whole lot more. I think it's just the hectic pace this week.

Do you find yourself hungry if you exercise a lot? Or is it just normal variations in hunger from our bodies? I don't know but it sure seems like sometimes I'm starving and others I'm fine.  Maybe it's the fact I've gotten less sleep? I don't know, but I'm trying to stay on track and positive. I love my exercise. I'm not quitting it.

I read a really good post today on Tony's blog. You can read it here.  It's all about how sometimes as you change in this journey, people's perception of you changes. It's titled "I Liked You Better When You Were Fat."  I'm honestly struggling with people's reactions to my new lifestyle lately, especially some people close to me. It's just more of the mental changes that come along with this journey. Here's the comment I left on that post:
I loved this post. I’ve lost 85 pounds and I still have about 60 left. People have already started to tell me I don’t need to lose more and I exercise too much and I’m too strict with my diet. I think a lot of it is them knowing they need to be doing it too.
For those closest to me, I think they are threatened by my success and maybe even worried about my change in priorities. It’s much more important to me now to workout. Much more than watching that TV show or going shopping. Not every gets that. And people rarely get why I would go to TWO Taekwondo classes in ONE DAY, especially not after working out in the morning once already.
I actually had someone tell me I was getting addicted to exercise and I needed to watch it. WTH? I am 41 years old and I am 5’1″ and I still weigh 189lbs. If I’m addicted to exercise it’s the least of my worries.
These days I’m simply focused more on me and being the best ME I can be. I think some people don’t like the fact that my focus has changed. Too freaking bad

AND I have to thank Allan for another shout out on his blog this week. Too kind.  You inspire me all the time. Particularly today's post about weekends and exercise. Funny and true.

I hope all of you have a great weekend.  What are you doing these days for exercise? What is inspiring you? Do people ever tell you they liked you better when you were fat?

Monday, October 3, 2011

Is it a Challenge or a Road Block? You decide.

I can't believe I haven't posted since Tuesday. Where does the time go? I'm just so busy and NOW it is October. Shit.......I hate October.....well, I actually love it. I love fall and I love Halloween, but October signifies the beginning of the end of the year and all hell breaks loose this time of year, for me anyway.

The weekend was fabulous, but busy. I spent it seeing my little one get her green belt in TKD which is quite an achievement for a little lady of not even 6 yet! She broke her board on the first try and was most proud.  I have to say I was pretty darn proud of her myself.

Immediately after the TKD test the kids and I jumped in the car and drove to Oklahoma. I took my son to the football game this weekend. It was OU v Ball State and Dad needed to stay home to do some work. So the kids and I ran up for the game and drove back yesterday afternoon.  I wish I could say I did great with my eating this weekend, but I didn't. I made some bad choices for a variety of reasons, none of which really matters. What matters is that I shouldn't have eaten all that I did for any reason. It's over and I'm moving on.

So this morning I'm back on track. My weight on Saturday morning was a new low at 188. But, I can say that after the salty bloat from yesterday it wasn't this morning. I've been drinking my water and I'm way on track with my food so I expect to be down again really soon.

Today at lunch I met with my trainer who kicked my butt. I'm so tired and sore. We did arms, chest and back. Did you know I can chest press 60 pounds now? I can't believe it. I also did weighted squats to chest presses with 30 pound weights. I did dead lifts with 30 pounds on the bosu. I did a whole bunch more stuff which I'm used to doing and makes me proud and THEN he says, "we'll finish with a little cardio." I've heard this before. no problem. BUT, this time is was the stairmaster.

WTH. That thing totally and completely sucks! I have avoided that machine for a variety of reasons, not least of which is it looks hard. Sometimes looks are deceiving and let me be absolutely clear......not this time.  I did 5 min on the damn thing and I thought I was dying. DYING. That is what the elliptical felt like 2 years ago when I started this mess. It kind of pissed me off to be honest.

I mean I can  do 40 minutes on the elliptical up to a level 20. I kick that things ass now, it doesn't kick mine. I can even run on the treadmill at the gym and not worry about running in public anymore. This was a MAJOR achievement for me. I can do push ups, situps, planks. I can work out HARD in a TKD class and get all sweaty and gross while people watch and not give a shit. I can lift weights. I can do FREAKING pull ups now. But that.........THING......that machine KILLED me. And I'm pissed.

Just when you think you're doing really well, something comes around to remind you just how far you have to go. I won't lie. It hurt. It hurt really bad. I thought I was going to pass out. And I felt........I felt...........like the fat girl in gym class.

Oh HELL no!

I refuse to be that girl anymore. REFUSE. You hear me! I'm done with that. I will be fit. I will be strong. I will be ABLE to do what I want. I will NOT be the fat girl........weak and panting......red faced.....short of breath......near tears because it hurts SO bad.......it's SO hard.

I've been THERE my whole life. I've done THAT and it SUCKS.  I WANT MORE.

I want more from my life and over the last nearly 2 years I've seen a glimpse of what life being healthy is like. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm soooooooo far from where I was.  I was fat and so unfit. Now I'm still fat, but so much closer to being fit.

In the past this kind of experience would set me back. Hell....this is what kept me from exercising for so long. It was hard. It was uncomfortable. It made me self-conscious. I just didn't like it much. Of course, you often don't like something you're not good at, that takes effort.  Don't we all tend to gravitate toward those things that come naturally to us?

Not anymore. The fact that I had trouble today doing that machine just set me on FIRE. I'm mad and I'm motivated. I will not be using this as an excuse to go home and binge tonight as I would in the past. I will not be using this as an excuse to give up. I will not be letting this depress me and start the negative self-talk cycle that would always have started in the past. The "you'll never be able to" or "you just can't do those things" or the WORST one "when I lose weight, THEN I'll be able to exercise." WHAT? That kind of thinking got me to 274 pounds.

No. NOW things are different. I AM DIFFERENT. Maybe I can't do more than 5 minutes on a stair master now, but I WILL. I got on the damn thing and that is saying something for someone that had never been in a gym more than a couple of times in my whole life before I started this. I tried it. It was hard. Next time it will be easier.  That's something I KNOW is true becuase I've done it before. I'll do it again.

See.....now something like this.....it's a CHALLENGE, not a ROAD BLOCK.

In the past it would have been a deal breaker. If I tried something hard and it was REALLY hard, I had to really push myself like that, I'd give up. I just didn't think I could do it. I didn't believe. I didn't think fat people like me could do these things. I was so very wrong.

Growing up I always believed I could be ANYTHING if I set my mind to it. I knew I could be a doctor. I knew I was smart enough. I knew all I had to do was work hard and it would happen. For some reason this attitude never applied to physical things. It was all too easy to believe I couldn't achieve there in the same way.

How wrong I was.

It's a CHALLENGE. Not a road block. That's all. A challenge that I will learn to meet. And then......I'll move on to the next one.

What about you? What's challenging you lately? Are you meeting the challenge and taking it on OR are you letting it be a road block?  A challenge can be physical like my stair master or mental like giving in to tempting foods or not tracking.   One of the best things you can do is change your attitude about challenges. Don't let them become road blocks. You can do this!

Progress to TouchDown and GOALLLL!!