Just one of those Days.........

The weekend was great. I enjoyed my time with the girls. I didn't get in as much exercise as I had planned, not formal exercise anyway, but I did a lot of running around with the girls. We saw The Lorax on Saturday and it was awesome. We all really enjoyed it, and I thought there was a lot of cute humor.  I wasn't perfect with my eating, but I wasn't terrible either and I kept my calories reasonable. This morning I weighed in and I lost 2 pounds last week. I'll take it. I'm on my way back to pre-steroid weight. I so so so want to see that scale back where I was.

Today has DEFINITELY been Monday. I overslept so I didn't work out as planned this morning. I arrived early at work, but due to situations going on at work I didn't get any work done or my blog post as planned. I brought my workout clothes to work and planned on a run at lunch, but that got blown out of the water by other situations that happened.  Now I have to finish work and likely have to do some from home.  Tonight is Open House at my daughters school.  I cooked pies for the teacher's dinner tonight as I had volunteered to help. No problem for temptation as both pies went out the door this morning. I've had a migraine today and now the loud and crowded school even........boo hiss.....but the girls are so so so excited that I will not dissapoint. That's what medicine is for and YES I took some.

SO with all that, no exercise today which I am very unhappy about, but such is life. I will tomorrow and I have TKD class as well. I will stay on track. And I'm drinking my water. I ended up with a lunch meeting and we went to McAlister's Deli where I had a small garden salad, no cheese or croutons and light ranch and some yummy roasted veggie soup.  I had pistachios for snack. Thank goodness I have them on my desk as I forgot to pack my usual snack bag today. Just one of those days for sure.

That's the thing about the whole "lifestyle change" attitude. Life is like this. You have to roll with the punches. You can't let any little change in routine derail  you. I know in the past if I'd missed the workout and forgotten my snacks, I would've said, "Well, I'll diet tomorrow." and gone off on a binder, especially with the stress of today. OR I would have said, "I'll start tomorrow. I'll be good tomorrow. If I can't exercise, what's the point."  Oh I've heard ALL those thoughts ramble around in my mind in the past. I've said it before and it is so true. I was my own worst enemy. I'm the one that kept myself from achieving my goals. I'm trying really, really hard to change that behavior and reprogram my "self-talk". 

I know it's working because when I got back from lunch there was a HUGE tray of brownies and cookies on the table in the break room. The break room is on my side of the hall which means I walk past it as I'm seeing patients about a 1,000 times a day, no joke.  I saw that tray and thought, "huh" and kept walking. I went in there 3 times to refill my water cup. Didn't want them. Even though I didn't have my usual snacks. Even though I was REALLY stressed today. Even though I didn't get to exercise this morning and my routine was all messed up. It just isn't an option. Those foods are not part of my life now. They just aren't. I'm really proud of myself for that.

What about you? What do you do when the unexpected happens or things don't go your way? Are you and "all or nothing" kind of person?  How do you handle it when your plans are disrupted?

On the Bright Side........

I have written many times before about my propensity to negativity. If you don't remember, you can read about it in this post. I'm not sure where it comes from, but I feel like it must be partially biological as both my parents have depression and "issues".   I've worked very hard over the last year in trying to change my inner "self-talk" that can be so damaging.

Negative ideas and attitudes are a habit for me. I'm working very hard to try to catch them the minute they start and then turn them into positive thoughts. I'm hoping someday soon I can call myself a genuine "glass half-full" person, but right now it takes effort.  Not that I'm an unhappy person. On the contrary, I love me life. I love my family, my friends, my job, my home.  I enjoy my life and I spend most of my day happy and smiling. BUT, it's the thought pattern in my head I have to work on. Inside, I'm often plagued with "what ifs" and "if onlys". These thoughts just detract from all the things I'm thankful for.

This morning as I was driving my kid to football practice, there was a whole host of thoughts running through my brain, most of which were negative and grumpy, "I'm tired. My back hurts. I don't want to go to the gym. I wish I could just get a break. I'm too fat. Why do I have to work so hard to lose weight when other people are just thin?" And then I just.......stopped. I caught myself. I gave myself an inner shake of the shoulders and told myself to stop and turn it around. I began to thing of positive things in my life right now. And here is a list of what I came up with.

On the bright side...............

• I tried on pair of dress slacks, very cute gray ones I bought on sale a while back, that I wasn't able to come close to buttoning or zipping a couple of months ago. Now I can do both, although it is still a little snug. A few more pounds and they'll look great, just in time for cooler weather.
• My new size large lab coat is already getting too loose.
• I can kick way over my head now. 
• I can do those 60 crunches in TKD class without much effort.
• My kids are all healthy and doing well in school.
• I can wrap one of the small bath towels at the gym all the way around me now. Doesn't take 2 anymore and I'm not in danger of flashing everyone.
• I'm lucky that I can afford a membership at a nice gym with helpful people where I feel comfortable working out.
• I had a nice dry bed to sleep in last night as it was storming and pouring down rain.
• It RAINED!
• Only 40 days to my cruise.
• My son played all 4 quarters in his football game last night on the d-line. He's one of the shorter and smaller kids on the line and he was the only one to get through the line nearly every play. Almost made a sack!
• I'm close to learning all my material for the next TKD test. Now I just have to perfect it before December when I can get my purple belt.
• When a lot of people have given up and quit TKD that started with me, I have not. I'm half-way to my black belt.
• My husband continues to be supportive of my efforts at weight loss and exercise.

These are a few of the ones that popped in my mind. It's amazing what fills your mind when you push away all the negative things.

This week I've gone back to a no carb way of eating. Every once and a while when my weight loss slows or stalls, I try this and it usually jump starts my weight loss.  Yesterday I lost a pound and I'm on my way back to where I was. I'm tired of losing and regaining the same 2-3 pounds that I've been doing lately. That's not getting me where I want to be. I am taking control and I've been going back and reading my old posts to remind myself where I've been and how I got here.  I still believe that motivation doesn't just happen. You don't just wake up one day and suddenly you can do it. It takes work and focus.

I wonder how all of you manage your "down times" or your negative self talk.  Do you struggle with it as I do? Do you follow a low carb or no carb diet? What do you do when you hit a plateau? How do you keep your motivation going?

And...............Go Rangers!  Game 4 tonight!

Enough

I've had enough.

I say again. I've had enough.

I woke up this morning and I had actually slept last night. I slept the night before, but that was with the aid of medication and the sleep isn't the same. I woke up this morning and I said, "Enough."

Enough sadness. Enough grief. Enough emotional turmoil. I'm not fooling myself into believing that I can just stop. But, I am saying that it is time to wake up and do something. Since last Saturday morning, I haven't logged my food. I haven't worked out.  I haven't drank my water. And it's time to say enough.

I will not make excuses. I will not fool myself into believing that how I've been the last few days has been, "not that bad." No more bull shit. Fact is, Monday I ate like shit. Healthier shit, but still.....Yesterday I ate healthy food, but too much and then I ate cookies. ENOUGH.

All the times before when I've tried to lose weight, I've said, "Oh well." Or "I can't"  or "it's too hard" or "I have fat genetics" or "I'm too stressed" or whatever load of BS I was shoveling at that particular time.  All the times before, I have regained what I'd lost and more. All the times before are not THIS time.

Today, I say ENOUGH.

I can do this. I can and I will. I must. I will get back on track. I may not like it. It's so much easier to bury myself in food. Wrap myself in the comfort of cookies and cakes and ice cream and all the other stuff. It's easier in the short run. As easy as it is for a drug addict to keep shooting up. Easy for a while and then.......really really hard.

Ask an addict which is harder-being an addict where you lose everything and everyone and the only thing important to you is getting your fix. Or getting clean and being clean and having a family, a job, a future. I look at my food addiction the same way. It will kill me. It will take from me the things I want most. It will limit my life to only it. And so I say enough.

And I say, "Screw you Fat Self." Screw you for your feelings of defeat, your weakness, your willingness to give in. Screw you for not fighting harder to get through these difficult times with more resolve. Screw you for not trying harder. Screw you for liking food so much.

I also say, "It's OK Fat self".  You are a part of me. I love you. I cannot blame you for everything wrong in my life. I accept you. You are the part of me that got me through most of my life. I know it's hard for you. All these new attitudes and activities I expect of you  are scary sometimes for you. I know you've tried and I know you are willing to try again. I will give you a chance to change. But, I will not let you hold me back.  I know you aren't in the MOOD to get back on track. I know you don't really WANT to get back to logging your food and exercising. I know it. BUT, we're doing it anyway.

Finally I say, ENOUGH. Enough excuses. Enough avoiding reality. Enough being sad. Enough regret. Enough guilt. Enough negative thoughts. Enough giving food power over me. Enough.

I know I've gained some weight. I know it. But, you know what I did today? I got up and said, "Enough".  I put on makeup I fixed my hair. I have a meeting tonight and last week I'd planned on wearing my new dress which is spring colors and fits AND is an XL I bought at Kohl's in the "normal" size section. I was excited about it last week. Today, I woke up and as I got out of bed I didn't want to wear that dress. I wanted to just wear scrubs or my too-baggy black pants. I got in the shower and I said, "Enough".

I'm wearing the dress despite the several pounds I've gained. It fits and still looks good. And I feel better. Just doing SOMETHING feels better. Just getting my mind back in order feels better. I know I still have a lot of work to do. I know I still have pounds to lose AGAIN to get back to where I was. So What? I know I can do it. I've done it before. I know how and I know I CAN and I know I WILL.

All I have to do is wake up everyday, like today, and say, "Enough".

Have you said it yet? Have you had set backs in your journey to healthy living? If so, how did you over come them?  If you haven't, what's stopping you? No one can do it for you.

Hello! My Name is Dr.Fatty and I'm a Negative-holic.

Here's the deal. I'm new to blogging. I'm new to weight loss. I'm doing really well so far. I know that. I do. But, I've had years and years and years of practice at negativity. As far as learning to be positive goes, I am an infant.

Some people are glass half-full people. Some people are glass half-empty people. Me, I'm a -why bother to look because I probably don't even have a glass anyway and if I do it's not as nice as yours because I'm such a loser-person. I think, no, I know it has everything to do with my brain chemistry. My mom is chronically depressed, maybe bipolar. My dad is...well...undiagnosed, but likely paranoid narcissistic personality disorder and bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies. So you can imagine why I might have issues.

I can remember being 8 or 9 years old and just lying on the sofa crying all day for no reason. People would ask me what was wrong and I'd say, "I don't know. I'm just so sad." Geez. That's depressing. Then as I approached my teen years it got worse of course. Add it up: teen angst + obesity + no self esteem + genetic tendency for depression = recipe for disaster.

All my life people would tell me how pretty my face was or my eyes or my hair. I never new how to take a compliment. I always heard my Dad's voice, "You'd be so pretty if you'd only lose weight." Which always meant to me that I wouldn't be pretty UNTIL I lost weight.

When I was 14 I left a very small rural school to go to high school in town. I was terrified. The only thing I clung to was that I was smart and I could sing. I might be uglier and fatter and poorer than all those people, but I was smarter and I had a good voice.

In high school, I met my best friend. We are alike but different in so many ways. She is a glass half full person. She is one reason I started to see myself differently. She and I became everyone's funny fat friend. We were friends with all the different groups from jocks and cheerleaders to theater types to nerds. I began to come out of my shell. Have fun.

In college, I started getting attention from boys and making new friends. I was smart and I was funny and people always wanted to sit by me. Then I met my husband and my life changed forever for the better. But my brain and thoughts lagged behind. Inside I was always seeing the down side, always looking for the disappointment. Always thinking, "yeah, but..."

That's when I started noticing my inner voices I always talk about. Most of the time my natural inclination is something like Eeyore. That's right Eeyore is one of the voices in my head. "Why bother. Oh well." But somewhere along the way I found my inner cheerleader. "You are worth it. You can do this. You are beautiful no matter what you look like. You have much to offer others. You are a good person."

But, I have anger issues sometimes. That's right, it's angry Eeyore in my head. Unfortunately all that anger is turned inward. "You are so fat and stupid. You can't do anything right. You'll never be anything." To survive sometimes my inner cheerleader turns into bitchy head cheerleader from high school, "At least you aren't THAT fat. Look at HER."

But I don't like being that way, withdrawn and scared of the world, grumpy and dark and negative. I'd much rather be happy and positive. But, for me it doesn't come naturally. Some days I wake up with a smile and it feels great. Others I wish I didn't wake up at all. Sad, but the brutal truth. There have been times when I've been suicidal. Not for a very, very long time. So, I know what the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness can do to you. I've worked very hard to overcome that.

When I'm at work I have to be understanding and up beat and empathetic. I'm good at it and I enjoy it. But, it is work for me. Sometimes I feel like I have to be "on" all the time. With my natural tendency toward being alone and mopey, you'd think I'd have been a radiologist. My inner Eeyore has caused problems with my relationships. People don't always understand when you are quiet and want to be left alone.

Since I've started down this path to wellness, I find it gets easier and easier. It is absolutely amazing to me how much I am changing. The longer I think good thoughts, the more I WANT to think good thoughts. The longer I eat good foods, the more I WANT to eat good foods. The more I achieve with exercise, the more I WANT to exercise. And realizing all this just makes me want to do more and more.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to rid myself of little Eeyore. That's where I get my snarky sense of humor. And I don't think there's anything wrong with being happy by yourself from time to time. I just want to rid myself of the self doubt, and victim mentality. The self hate and anger. The only way I can do that is to recognize it, talk about it, see where it's coming from.

All of you here in bloggerville are playing a critical role in this transformation of mine from less Eeyore to more Tigger. I never imagined how good it would feel knowing you were out there cheering for me. That I could complain and you'd understand. That I could brag and you would be proud of me. That we are all on the same team here. Fat people, thin people-- just plain people trying to get better, better in mind, spirit and body. So for that I thank you. And if you see that angry Eeyore me sneak its way into my writing in blogs or comments, try to remember its about me, not you. Feel free to call me on it.

What about you? Are you a half full person? Are you naturally optimistic? If not, how to you battle it? If so, how do you stay that way when faced with challenges?

TTFN...Ta ta for now!