Is it a Challenge or a Road Block? You decide.

I can't believe I haven't posted since Tuesday. Where does the time go? I'm just so busy and NOW it is October. Shit.......I hate October.....well, I actually love it. I love fall and I love Halloween, but October signifies the beginning of the end of the year and all hell breaks loose this time of year, for me anyway.

The weekend was fabulous, but busy. I spent it seeing my little one get her green belt in TKD which is quite an achievement for a little lady of not even 6 yet! She broke her board on the first try and was most proud.  I have to say I was pretty darn proud of her myself.

Immediately after the TKD test the kids and I jumped in the car and drove to Oklahoma. I took my son to the football game this weekend. It was OU v Ball State and Dad needed to stay home to do some work. So the kids and I ran up for the game and drove back yesterday afternoon.  I wish I could say I did great with my eating this weekend, but I didn't. I made some bad choices for a variety of reasons, none of which really matters. What matters is that I shouldn't have eaten all that I did for any reason. It's over and I'm moving on.

So this morning I'm back on track. My weight on Saturday morning was a new low at 188. But, I can say that after the salty bloat from yesterday it wasn't this morning. I've been drinking my water and I'm way on track with my food so I expect to be down again really soon.

Today at lunch I met with my trainer who kicked my butt. I'm so tired and sore. We did arms, chest and back. Did you know I can chest press 60 pounds now? I can't believe it. I also did weighted squats to chest presses with 30 pound weights. I did dead lifts with 30 pounds on the bosu. I did a whole bunch more stuff which I'm used to doing and makes me proud and THEN he says, "we'll finish with a little cardio." I've heard this before. no problem. BUT, this time is was the stairmaster.

WTH. That thing totally and completely sucks! I have avoided that machine for a variety of reasons, not least of which is it looks hard. Sometimes looks are deceiving and let me be absolutely clear......not this time.  I did 5 min on the damn thing and I thought I was dying. DYING. That is what the elliptical felt like 2 years ago when I started this mess. It kind of pissed me off to be honest.

I mean I can  do 40 minutes on the elliptical up to a level 20. I kick that things ass now, it doesn't kick mine. I can even run on the treadmill at the gym and not worry about running in public anymore. This was a MAJOR achievement for me. I can do push ups, situps, planks. I can work out HARD in a TKD class and get all sweaty and gross while people watch and not give a shit. I can lift weights. I can do FREAKING pull ups now. But that.........THING......that machine KILLED me. And I'm pissed.

Just when you think you're doing really well, something comes around to remind you just how far you have to go. I won't lie. It hurt. It hurt really bad. I thought I was going to pass out. And I felt........I felt...........like the fat girl in gym class.

Oh HELL no!

I refuse to be that girl anymore. REFUSE. You hear me! I'm done with that. I will be fit. I will be strong. I will be ABLE to do what I want. I will NOT be the fat girl........weak and panting......red faced.....short of breath......near tears because it hurts SO bad.......it's SO hard.

I've been THERE my whole life. I've done THAT and it SUCKS.  I WANT MORE.

I want more from my life and over the last nearly 2 years I've seen a glimpse of what life being healthy is like. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm soooooooo far from where I was.  I was fat and so unfit. Now I'm still fat, but so much closer to being fit.

In the past this kind of experience would set me back. Hell....this is what kept me from exercising for so long. It was hard. It was uncomfortable. It made me self-conscious. I just didn't like it much. Of course, you often don't like something you're not good at, that takes effort.  Don't we all tend to gravitate toward those things that come naturally to us?

Not anymore. The fact that I had trouble today doing that machine just set me on FIRE. I'm mad and I'm motivated. I will not be using this as an excuse to go home and binge tonight as I would in the past. I will not be using this as an excuse to give up. I will not be letting this depress me and start the negative self-talk cycle that would always have started in the past. The "you'll never be able to" or "you just can't do those things" or the WORST one "when I lose weight, THEN I'll be able to exercise." WHAT? That kind of thinking got me to 274 pounds.

No. NOW things are different. I AM DIFFERENT. Maybe I can't do more than 5 minutes on a stair master now, but I WILL. I got on the damn thing and that is saying something for someone that had never been in a gym more than a couple of times in my whole life before I started this. I tried it. It was hard. Next time it will be easier.  That's something I KNOW is true becuase I've done it before. I'll do it again.

See.....now something like this.....it's a CHALLENGE, not a ROAD BLOCK.

In the past it would have been a deal breaker. If I tried something hard and it was REALLY hard, I had to really push myself like that, I'd give up. I just didn't think I could do it. I didn't believe. I didn't think fat people like me could do these things. I was so very wrong.

Growing up I always believed I could be ANYTHING if I set my mind to it. I knew I could be a doctor. I knew I was smart enough. I knew all I had to do was work hard and it would happen. For some reason this attitude never applied to physical things. It was all too easy to believe I couldn't achieve there in the same way.

How wrong I was.

It's a CHALLENGE. Not a road block. That's all. A challenge that I will learn to meet. And then......I'll move on to the next one.

What about you? What's challenging you lately? Are you meeting the challenge and taking it on OR are you letting it be a road block?  A challenge can be physical like my stair master or mental like giving in to tempting foods or not tracking.   One of the best things you can do is change your attitude about challenges. Don't let them become road blocks. You can do this!

Enough

I've had enough.

I say again. I've had enough.

I woke up this morning and I had actually slept last night. I slept the night before, but that was with the aid of medication and the sleep isn't the same. I woke up this morning and I said, "Enough."

Enough sadness. Enough grief. Enough emotional turmoil. I'm not fooling myself into believing that I can just stop. But, I am saying that it is time to wake up and do something. Since last Saturday morning, I haven't logged my food. I haven't worked out.  I haven't drank my water. And it's time to say enough.

I will not make excuses. I will not fool myself into believing that how I've been the last few days has been, "not that bad." No more bull shit. Fact is, Monday I ate like shit. Healthier shit, but still.....Yesterday I ate healthy food, but too much and then I ate cookies. ENOUGH.

All the times before when I've tried to lose weight, I've said, "Oh well." Or "I can't"  or "it's too hard" or "I have fat genetics" or "I'm too stressed" or whatever load of BS I was shoveling at that particular time.  All the times before, I have regained what I'd lost and more. All the times before are not THIS time.

Today, I say ENOUGH.

I can do this. I can and I will. I must. I will get back on track. I may not like it. It's so much easier to bury myself in food. Wrap myself in the comfort of cookies and cakes and ice cream and all the other stuff. It's easier in the short run. As easy as it is for a drug addict to keep shooting up. Easy for a while and then.......really really hard.

Ask an addict which is harder-being an addict where you lose everything and everyone and the only thing important to you is getting your fix. Or getting clean and being clean and having a family, a job, a future. I look at my food addiction the same way. It will kill me. It will take from me the things I want most. It will limit my life to only it. And so I say enough.

And I say, "Screw you Fat Self." Screw you for your feelings of defeat, your weakness, your willingness to give in. Screw you for not fighting harder to get through these difficult times with more resolve. Screw you for not trying harder. Screw you for liking food so much.

I also say, "It's OK Fat self".  You are a part of me. I love you. I cannot blame you for everything wrong in my life. I accept you. You are the part of me that got me through most of my life. I know it's hard for you. All these new attitudes and activities I expect of you  are scary sometimes for you. I know you've tried and I know you are willing to try again. I will give you a chance to change. But, I will not let you hold me back.  I know you aren't in the MOOD to get back on track. I know you don't really WANT to get back to logging your food and exercising. I know it. BUT, we're doing it anyway.

Finally I say, ENOUGH. Enough excuses. Enough avoiding reality. Enough being sad. Enough regret. Enough guilt. Enough negative thoughts. Enough giving food power over me. Enough.

I know I've gained some weight. I know it. But, you know what I did today? I got up and said, "Enough".  I put on makeup I fixed my hair. I have a meeting tonight and last week I'd planned on wearing my new dress which is spring colors and fits AND is an XL I bought at Kohl's in the "normal" size section. I was excited about it last week. Today, I woke up and as I got out of bed I didn't want to wear that dress. I wanted to just wear scrubs or my too-baggy black pants. I got in the shower and I said, "Enough".

I'm wearing the dress despite the several pounds I've gained. It fits and still looks good. And I feel better. Just doing SOMETHING feels better. Just getting my mind back in order feels better. I know I still have a lot of work to do. I know I still have pounds to lose AGAIN to get back to where I was. So What? I know I can do it. I've done it before. I know how and I know I CAN and I know I WILL.

All I have to do is wake up everyday, like today, and say, "Enough".

Have you said it yet? Have you had set backs in your journey to healthy living? If so, how did you over come them?  If you haven't, what's stopping you? No one can do it for you.

I am amazing.

There are so many times that I'm down on myself. I have an incredible talent with locating fault in myself. I can be encouraging, uplifting and empathetic to my family, friends and patients. But, me....that's a whole different story. That negative self talk is not productive. I've discussed it many times on this blog and it is a constant theme on many of your blogs. We all know it is damaging, but how do we stop doing it?

The truth is I don't really know. I'm learning. As far as I can tell through research, there is no one right way to fix it. What everyone says is that learning to talk positively to yourself is a skill that has to be practiced. So that's what I'm trying to do.

Today I woke up early. I had work left over from yesterday. Damn laptop battery died about a week ago and that has hampered my ability to get work done.  I usually do my charting while in the room with patients and between patients. That's a lot harder to do when you are running back and forth to a laptop tethered to it's damn plug.  I worked for about an hour and then the morning merry-go-round went round and round and 3 kids were off to 3 different schools. I was at work. All was fabulous.

Well....if you discount the fact that I could barely move this morning. There was no hair fixing today. My triceps hurt so badly I really couldn't lift my arms. I mentioned I met with my trainer yesterday. Here's the run down of what we did.
Chest presses-40 pounds 2 sets of 20
Skull crushers (I KNOW that's the real freaking name) with double chest press in between 30 pounds-2x20
One leg bicep curls-20 each leg
Ab roll outs: Ok so you get down on all fours with your forearms resting on this little rolly cart and you push out with your arms until your upper thighs almost touch the ground. It's as bad as it sounds 20x2
Back extensions w/ kettle bell 10 pounds
Back extension on side for obliques
Sit ups
reverse flys w/ cable weights
and other crap I can't remember.

So I arrived at work wincing and thankful I wouldn't have to carry that damn laptop around today. Work was crazy and I ran late. MAN was I pissed when I missed my TKD class. There's a test on Friday and I really planned on getting my orange belt. I get to break a board! I'm sooo pumped about it. Anyway, I missed last week due to the trip and then the GI illness so I'm behind classes. I worked through lunch instead. My wonderful husband offered to watch kids and get them to bed so I could go tonight to class. YOU HEARD ME. 

I worked all day, even through lunch. Left work. Picked up kids from their TKD class. Got them home, fed and in jammies. Left my house for class which started at 8:10pm and THEN did an HOUR of TKD.  Am I in pain? yes. Am I proud? HELL yeah!  I'm home now and after I finish this blog thingy, I'm going to bed. I'm super tired.

As far as eating goes I'm golden for today. I had egg whites and wheat english muffin and blackberries for breakfast. I had soup and salad for lunch. I had chicken breast, broccoli and 1/2 cup whole wheat orzo for dinner. When I arrived home from class, I realized I had calories left for the day, but my stomach said WTH I'm full. I do NOT need to eat. Drink your water and get in bed. OK. So that's the plan. Total calories today were 1061 and I'm full.

So you see...I am amazing.

It would have been so easy to blow off exercise for today. I got home and really I did NOT want to go to class and if there weren't a test soon I might not have. But, I did. I did it anyway. And it was great. I had a good workout and learned some things. Yes I was one of only 2 adults there. Yes, there were parents and people watching me as I jogged and stretched and kicked and punched. BUT I did it anyway.

I also learned that I can do more than I think I can. I've learned that when you ask for help those that really love you will help you. I've learned that being super sore is a badge of honor. It reminds me that I'm working hard and getting closer to my goals. I have learned that food is just food. It isn't my friend. It isn't my savior. It isn't ANYTHING but FUEL. If your tank is full, why keep filling it?

So I ask you? What have you done lately to prove to yourself how amazing YOU are? How are you doing with your self talk? Any tricks or tools that have helped you?