I've had enough.
I say again. I've had enough.
I woke up this morning and I had actually slept last night. I slept the night before, but that was with the aid of medication and the sleep isn't the same. I woke up this morning and I said, "Enough."
Enough sadness. Enough grief. Enough emotional turmoil. I'm not fooling myself into believing that I can just stop. But, I am saying that it is time to wake up and do something. Since last Saturday morning, I haven't logged my food. I haven't worked out. I haven't drank my water. And it's time to say enough.
I will not make excuses. I will not fool myself into believing that how I've been the last few days has been, "not that bad." No more bull shit. Fact is, Monday I ate like shit. Healthier shit, but still.....Yesterday I ate healthy food, but too much and then I ate cookies. ENOUGH.
All the times before when I've tried to lose weight, I've said, "Oh well." Or "I can't" or "it's too hard" or "I have fat genetics" or "I'm too stressed" or whatever load of BS I was shoveling at that particular time. All the times before, I have regained what I'd lost and more. All the times before are not THIS time.
Today, I say ENOUGH.
I can do this. I can and I will. I must. I will get back on track. I may not like it. It's so much easier to bury myself in food. Wrap myself in the comfort of cookies and cakes and ice cream and all the other stuff. It's easier in the short run. As easy as it is for a drug addict to keep shooting up. Easy for a while and then.......really really hard.
Ask an addict which is harder-being an addict where you lose everything and everyone and the only thing important to you is getting your fix. Or getting clean and being clean and having a family, a job, a future. I look at my food addiction the same way. It will kill me. It will take from me the things I want most. It will limit my life to only it. And so I say enough.
And I say, "Screw you Fat Self." Screw you for your feelings of defeat, your weakness, your willingness to give in. Screw you for not fighting harder to get through these difficult times with more resolve. Screw you for not trying harder. Screw you for liking food so much.
I also say, "It's OK Fat self". You are a part of me. I love you. I cannot blame you for everything wrong in my life. I accept you. You are the part of me that got me through most of my life. I know it's hard for you. All these new attitudes and activities I expect of you are scary sometimes for you. I know you've tried and I know you are willing to try again. I will give you a chance to change. But, I will not let you hold me back. I know you aren't in the MOOD to get back on track. I know you don't really WANT to get back to logging your food and exercising. I know it. BUT, we're doing it anyway.
Finally I say, ENOUGH. Enough excuses. Enough avoiding reality. Enough being sad. Enough regret. Enough guilt. Enough negative thoughts. Enough giving food power over me. Enough.
I know I've gained some weight. I know it. But, you know what I did today? I got up and said, "Enough". I put on makeup I fixed my hair. I have a meeting tonight and last week I'd planned on wearing my new dress which is spring colors and fits AND is an XL I bought at Kohl's in the "normal" size section. I was excited about it last week. Today, I woke up and as I got out of bed I didn't want to wear that dress. I wanted to just wear scrubs or my too-baggy black pants. I got in the shower and I said, "Enough".
I'm wearing the dress despite the several pounds I've gained. It fits and still looks good. And I feel better. Just doing SOMETHING feels better. Just getting my mind back in order feels better. I know I still have a lot of work to do. I know I still have pounds to lose AGAIN to get back to where I was. So What? I know I can do it. I've done it before. I know how and I know I CAN and I know I WILL.
All I have to do is wake up everyday, like today, and say, "Enough".
Have you said it yet? Have you had set backs in your journey to healthy living? If so, how did you over come them? If you haven't, what's stopping you? No one can do it for you.
This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.