This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

OK People. Stop it.

There are blogs that I read that I love. There are blogs that I read that I like. There are blogs that I read that I sorta like and sorta not, but I read hoping it will get better. There are blogs that I hate. I read 1-2 posts and quite frankly they turn me off. I won't go into the details on those as it is either here nor there.

If you are reading this, I may read your blog everyday. If I don't follow you, it may be because I've not discovered you yet. I love having a lot of blogs to follow. That way even when some of the blogs are slow, I always have something to read.   I read all the blogs in my reader every day. Pretty much with the occasional break.  Most of the blogs I follow I've found by people leaving me a comment or reading a comment on someone else's blog.

I comment when I feel like it. I comment when I have something to say.  Sometimes when I comment it is to say "Good job." Sometimes it is to answer a question, medical or otherwise. Sometimes I comment because I am particularly struck by what I read or see. Sometimes I feel sad or angry or frustrated by what I've read because I care about the blogger I am reading and that leads to a comment. I do not comment to start a fight. I do not comment to hurt someone or insult them.

I never comment on the style of writing. I never comment on the language used. I never comment on political or religious beliefs because that's not what I'm after with these blogs. I'm trying to lose weight. I am trying to get healthy. I'm interested in blogs and bloggers who are on the same journey.

I've never emailed another blogger to tell them what they should be doing or that they've offended me or that I don't agree with them.  I've never emailed to let someone know I think their plan isn't right.  WHY? You might ask. Because.....I HAVE SHIT to do. I am too busy freaking reading the blogs that matter to me OR exercising OR planning healthy food OR logging my food OR living my otherwise busy life. 

Allan is a blogger I happen to like. I KNOW you all know who I'm referring to. Not everyone digs him. Not everyone gets him. Not everyone understands his humor. I don't necessarily agree with everything he says or does. HELL, I don't necessarily agree with everything I DO.  But, I will say this. If you don't like that he is crude or talks about poop or puke or piss or uses foul language, don't read his blog. If you don't like the rules of his challenge, DON'T ask to join. If you don't like that he is judgmental and straight forward or just plain in your face, WHY put yourself through the emotional turmoil of reading him only to get upset. Stop it.

Let me tell you a secret. Allan loves when you email him and taunt him. He loves when people not losing weight criticize him about his plan. WHY? Because he IS losing weight. Talk is cheap people. We can write and plan and type all day long, but if you aren't showing results, what you are doing is not working. No matter how badly you think you are trying. No matter how badly you want it to. The scale doesn't lie.

And it's not just Allan who gets hassled. Many bloggers experience this kind of stuff.  Don't email or comment just to be an ass. AND stop with the anonymous comments. Have some balls. Speak up. If you have something to say at least own it. If you don't have a blog, that's fine. But realize it takes time and energy and honestly, a thick skin, to get out here in the blogosphere where anyone can see you and read your thoughts and feelings. Putting yourself out here is scary.  Give us some credit. We're not some "author" writing an op-ed piece. We're just people like you sharing our ideas. If you don't agree or don't like how I write, move on. There are lots of us out here. You'll find someone you like, enjoy, bond with. It takes all kinds.

To those of you who read my blog, thank you so much. I hope I bring some value to your day. I hope I help you in some way. Just knowing you are out there reading helps me more than I ever imagined. Those who comment mean a lot to me. A lot. Most of you are people like me trying to get better. Dealing with life. Losing weight. Not perfect. But, making an effort everyday. Learning from mistakes when we make them. How cool is it that we have this wonderful tool to help us in so many many ways?

OK. Sigh. I feel better.

Yesterday ended up great. I drank 5-32oz glasses of water, plus my 12oz Diet Mountain Dew. I didn't get to work out yesterday. Freakin pissed me off. But, husband had a flat tire. Son forgot his French horn and I forgot that the little chick needed cupcakes for today because today is her birthday. So errands and life prevailed. However, I went home and dragged all the Christmas decorations out and down the stairs and started with decking the halls.  The tree is up and I'm almost done with the interior stuff. That counts in my view as I had to lift and haul 5 huge boxes and lift all that crap and climb on the ladder multiple times up and down.  Calories yesterday were 1171.

Today, I am rocking the diet. I ate less than I thought at breakfast because I switched choices last minute. I had 2 pieces of low cal wheat bread and 1/2 cup egg whites and coffee. 217 cal.  Lunch was left overs 200 cal. I had an apple for a snack. 

I went to TKD at lunch sporting my brand new yellow belt. We did 100 crunches, 20 push ups, stretches, etc. I learned a whole bunch of new stuff which had my head swimming. I learned a new kick-axe kick. Totally fun.  A great workout as usual and I'm pretty sure my legs will be sore tomorrow.   Overall a great day so far.

I have to get the decorating done, probably tonight. Little chick's bday is tonight and I got cupcakes for the kiddos. I won't be partaking, but there is a small bowl of the fat free cherry frozen yogurt with chocolate chunks that has my name on it (90 cal per 1/2 cup and I usually have 3/4 cup=135 cal.). Not sure on dinner, but I know Nanny is cooking.  I know they'll be salad and veggies and I think fish, but either way I'll be eating healthy and in my calorie limit.

Hope you all have a good night.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Holy crap 235!

Well, I had a great few days off. I just spent most of the time with my family. We cooked. We played board games. We ate.  We saw a show. We visited. We watched football. What I didn't do was really spend anytime at all on the blog. For that I am sorry and yet not. It was nice to relax a few days. Spend it in the moment with the kids. But I opened my reader and I have 235 unread blogs. Holy Moly! You people are either really busy or I follow A LOT of blogs. I think it is the latter.  So I will spend some time today catching up on blogs. I have A LOT of reading to do so I may not have time to do a lot of commenting. Just know I'm out here and thinking of you all.

I had a great holiday and although I spent a lot of it recovering from my illness, otherwise know as evil virus, I did well with my eating. Not so much with the exercise. Other than housework and there was a lot of it, I didn't get much in. Also, the rolling around and chasing of children and a couple of walks.  On Friday I didn't leave the house except to run to the grocery store. I didn't partake of the shopping except on line. I looked through all the ads. I didn't see a single thing to motivate me to get up and out with the crowds by 4am.

Saturday morning I took the girls to see Disney Princess on Ice. They loved it, of course. They went all dressed in their princess outfits and tiaras.  I'm sure glad they loved it because it cost a fortune between the tickets, souvenirs, cotton candy, snow cones, pictures with the princesses and the like. By the end they were covered in sticky and tired. Fell asleep in the car. SCORE!  I was quite proud of myself as I didn't eat a thing at the show, just a coke zero. Although if I'd had my way I'd have had a nice beer. My mother thought sloshing it up at a kiddie show was somehow not appropriate. Whatever. I think it would have made the experience much more tolerable. On the bright side, I saved those calories.

Yesterday was spent cleaning house. Again. Geez. I'm almost glad I'm back at work today. Also, we finished up the tree. Our tree is......well a 3 day project. It is 12 feet tall. It takes me 1 day to get it up and fluff it out. Another to get the lights going and garland on. And yesterday we did the ornaments.  Tonight I have to finish the rest of the house so that I can do the outside lights on Friday when I'm off. I took off Friday for Big sister's Christmas party. I KNOW already and I'm supposed to read to her class. We're also doing Little Dude's birthday party Friday night and Little sister's party is Sunday. Yep. That's my life. Busy.

I'm tired this morning as I didn't sleep well. Also, I stayed up WAY too late watching TIVO. We are totally hooked on this show on FX, Terriers. If you aren't watching it you are missing out. The story is great. The acting is great. And We just couldn't stop watching it. This is the danger of TIVO as you can keep going show after show and the story got so good we couldn't stop and NOW we have to wait until this week's to see the finale. Cliffhangers. Love 'em. Hate 'em.

So I weighed this am and I am down 1/2 a pound. I feel this is pretty good considering the holiday, the illness and the laying around I did all week when I didn't feel well. I also didn't get all my water in last week. I tried to, but my throat was sore and I was just not able to guzzle it the way I had been. So today I am already back on track and plan a work out at lunch. Even though I am sooooo tired. I am getting back to it. I made an appointment with my trainer for next Monday. I haven't worked out with him in like 8 weeks and I HAVE to make sure I am back at it with the cardio or I'll be screwed.  Probably screwed anyway, but it'll be worth it and I HAVE to get back at it, even though a little part of me dreads it.

And so, I hope all of you did well with your holiday plans. The only blog I read was Allan's a little and I see he did great and a bunch of you did also. Sometimes I feel like a major under achiever even when I've come sooooooo far from a year ago when I ate and ate and ate and gained lord knows how much this time of year.  And so I will, for once, be happy with MY work and try not to compare myself to others. That is extremely self defeating for me. But, also honest with myself and know I can do more. I can do better. And realizing this, I'm off to do just that. Time for a refill on the water.

Have a great day, all!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving: The Rodney Dangerfield of Holidays

Hello on this wonderful Day of Thanks.   I missed posting yesterday. Sorry about that. I was home with the kids all day and boy is that tiring. Between the trip to the store for the last few items I needed and cooking and entertaining the kids, there wasn't much left for me.

I am feeling better. But, still coughing and wheezing. No more fever, sore throat is better. This week I haven't gotten as much water in. Still getting the minimum, but this week with feeling sick, I haven't been able to drink it without feeling like puking. I also haven't been able to exercise so I haven't seen a loss yet this week. I just don't burn calories when I'm sick the same way. But, I'm really not worried. I'm staying the course. I know things are working because yesterday I wore a pair of size 14 shorts that I couldn't button a month ago. (Yes. Shorts! It was 80 degrees here yesterday. The kids were outside barefoot in short sleeves.)

I am staying home today and I'm cooking which is great because I have complete control over the menu. We're having turkey breast and dressing. I have a salad and a cranberry salad.  The cranberry salad is made with apples, oranges, pineapple and sugar free jello. I left out the sugar that the recipe calls for. I am roasting the sweet potatoes this year with splenda brown sugar instead of the mashing them with sweetened milk, tons of cream and sugar like usual.  I already made my sugar free fruit pies. They have cherries, pineapple and pecans, topped with fat free cool whip.  At 180 cals per slice that's a dang good dessert option. The boys wanted my rum raisin apple pie. So, I am making it as a crisp. Avoiding the calories and carbs of the double crust. I don't like apple pie much, but this recipe is good, make with only fresh apples and raisins cooked and marinated in rum. With the oatmeal crisp topping it will be many fewer calories.

I've always loved Thanksgiving. It is so great to hang out with family all day. I have the luxury of time to cook for them. And to top it all off, there is plenty of football.  As a kid Thanksgiving was always a lot of fun.  I have very vivid memories of waking up on Thanksgiving morning. The kitchen was already full of grownups and filled with yummy cooking smells.  I always got to help with the cooking until us kids started getting in the way.  Then we'd be shooed out to watch the parade.

When I was a kid the parade was more like a parade. Now they spend so much time on Broadway shows it's more like a variety show. I remember watching the floats and the giant balloons. All of us would be oohing and awing. The best part was seeing Santa at the end of the parade and knowing that Christmas was finally coming.

At lunch, we would say the prayer and dig in. This was one day I could eat what I wanted, even dessert. We would visit over dinner and catch up with each other. I didn't even mind sitting at the kiddie table until I was like 14.  After dinner, we would hang out and play cards or board games. If the weather was nice, we'd go outside and play frisbe, toss the football around and even play volleyball.  There was no schedule, just lots of fun and food.

Nowadays, the Christmas stuff arrives in the store before the Halloween candy is gone. Thanksgiving has been squeezed out of our schedules. Now it's more like the Day Before Black Friday than THE Day of Thanks.  On the news they've been talking about the shopping ad nauseum. They haven't done any spots on people volunteering or food pantries needing help or the like.  Plus, I got ads in the paper yesterday saying many stores will be open today.

When I was a kid, Christmas decorations and lights and lists were started the day AFTER Thanksgiving.  It was like a lovely quiet island before the hurricane of the holiday season began. No hustle or bustle that day.  The stores weren't open. There was no where to go. Nothing to do, but be forced to spend time with your family.  AND what exactly is wrong with that anyway?

Christmas has a WHOLE month for build up and excitement. Between parties and concerts and shopping and wrapping and cards and photo shoots and church activites, don't we have enough going on? Can't we give ourselves just one day to reflect on what really matters in life, on gratitude, on what Thanksgiving really means? 

I am determined to give Thanksgiving the respect it deserves. I am determined to show my kids what Thanksgiving means.  Therefore I NEVER bring out Christmas stuff until after. There are people in my neighborhood who will be eating Thanksgiving dinner surrounded by Christmas trees, ornaments, Santa figurines and wreaths.  To me that means Christmas has weaseled it's way in and distracted us from focusing on gratitude.

So today, we are surrounded by Pumpkins and Cornucopias and fall leaves. We will take this day to pause and be a family before the craziness starts.  We will spend time talking about the first Thanksgiving. And although I know it wasn't exactly like I was taught in school with Indians on one side of the table and pilgrims dressed in black hats with buckles on the other, my kids don't and they don't need to yet.  We'll talk about the Indians and how we have Indian blood in us and the bad things that were done. We'll talk about the Pilgrims and why they were brave enough to squeeze onto those little ships and sail across the ocean.  We'll talk about people who are less fortunate than us and how we have so much to be thankful for. Yes, we'll eat. We'll eat very well. Thanksgiving in our house will be about giving thanks.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I'm Sick and a Little Doctor Rant

Fever, chills, headache, cough, sore throat, nasal congestion, runny nose, wheezing, body aches, no appetite, nausea, fatigue.....

Fabulous. People always ask me how I don't get sick being around all these sick people all the time. The answer is....I just don't. Most of the time I'm perfectly fine. But, about 1-2 times a year I get sick. Why it needs to be on a short week where I'll be off after tomorrow I don't know. I get my flu shot. I take my vitamins. I take my allergy meds. My asthma stuff however...not so much. Naughty patient.

Yesterday I came home at lunch to rest. I had some soup which was too tasty and then proceeded to lose it afterward. I didn't eat anything else the rest of the day except 4 wheat thins. I tried to drink water, but I had to drink it slowly so I didn't get in the high volume of water I had been drinking. On the bright side, I was way under my calorie limit.  Needless to say no workout yesterday and none today is on the docket. Luckily I just have to make it through today and then I'm off. Of course I have to cook and get to the grocery store to get the last few supplies. But, it's just us so at least I can not stress about it and even not cook if need be.

Let me just state this for ALL the family docs out there and well...any docs at all. Be courteous. WE are humans too. We like time with our families. We NEED sleep. If you are not bleeding, running a high fever, having chest pain, puking uncontrollably, can't breath or having some other SEVERE symptom, DON'T have us paged at MIDNIGHT.  I was paged last night for a refill on a med for a fever blister. That's right. Someone after listening to the message that says refills have to be done during business hours and this is the EMERGENCY line only decided that the fever blister needed attention STAT and had me paged.

I love my job. I do. I really feel like it is a calling. I love helping people. And for the most part I don't mind getting calls after hours. It doesn't happen that often as most of our patients are considerate. But, there is always that one jackhole in every crowd. You know the one. The one who drives down the shoulder to cut in line on the highway because apparently HIS time is more important than others. The one who sends his food back at the restaurant for any little thing. The one who yells at the little old lady for taking too long to find her coupons in the grocery line.  Words of wisdom, "Don't be the jackhole."

Being a doctor is a scary job. Sometimes the responsibility is more than I can bare. Those of us who really care really do worry because we try to do the right thing. Yesterday I found out a patient was in the hospital after overdosing trying to commit suicide. I saw the patient last week for depression. Here's the sad part and the part I am frankly a little ashamed about. My first thought was, " Did I document everything so I don't get sued or if I do I'll be protected?"  It's a sad world we live in. The next thought was is the patient OK? Are they getting taken care of?  Luckily the answers to all those questions is yes.

I have been sued. Yep I said it. It is a reality. A fact of life for almost all of us. But it is like the nasty secret. No one wants to talk about it. It's like the fact that you know your parents have sex, but you don't even want the thought to enter your mind, let alone speak it out loud. It is a terrible experience. It is just awful and it changes you. Unfortunately no matter how hard I try, it changed me.  It was years ago. It happened because I took care of someone without insurance. That person didn't follow my advice and then ended up with a bad outcome and huge medical bills. The patient sued me and the insurance settled, no fault to me. But, it makes me sick that the patient ended up with money.

It has made me very nervous about treating uninsured patients. That makes me very sad. Before, I felt it was my duty to help those less fortunate. Give something back. I still see those patients. I still give them discounts and try to provide them with free medications. But, I am worried every time. It is sad.  Those of us who are trying to do the right thing get screwed. It makes you jaded. You have to really try hard not to let it affect your relationships with your patients. It takes work.

And, I'm not going to stop doing the right thing. Even though I know it puts me at risk. That's why I get so tired of people blaming everything wrong with health care on the doctors. Those "rich doctors".  Rich doctor? Ha! I'm driving a 2004 Toyota Minivan. My partner's husband works for UPS and makes more than I do. There are easier ways to get rich. The system needs an overhaul. But, starting with cutting physician reimbursements while at the same time requiring more work and responsibility and more risk is ludicrous.  All this from someone who wants to see universal coverage.  That's the end of my rant for today.

So.....today I'm thankful that tomorrow I don't work. I am thankful for those patients that appreciate me. The ones who see the value in having a real relationship with a physician that really cares about their well being. The ones that don't treat my office like the freakin drive thru. That understand that if I'm behind it's because someone down the hall needed a little extra attention. The other day we had to call an ambulance because a patient was having a heart attack in my office. Some bunghole down the hall yelled at my assistant because he had to wait an extra 30 minutes. And even when he had been apologized to several times and told we could reschedule throughout the ordeal, he was still yelling. He will be finding another doctor.  I am thankful that owning my practice gives me that right. 

If you have a family doctor that treats you like a person, really cares about you, is willing to listen to you and work with you to decide on what's best for your health, be thankful. If not, keep looking. We're out here.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Sniff Sniff.....An Emotional and Happy Day

Thirteen years ago today, my beautiful umm....I mean HANDSOME baby boy was born.  I remember being pregnant.  I loved being pregnant. Why? Was it knowing my baby was growing inside me? Yes. But...it was also knowing that I was fat for a reason. That's right. I could walk into a restaurant and order what I wanted without worrying about skinny-chick waitress thinking badly of me.

I could walk down the street with my gut hanging out and not care one bit. I could have my picture taken, belly showing even, with no guilt at all. I could wear clothes that made me look fat and not worry. In fact, I preferred clothes that showed my belly obviously. That way people would think I was fat because I was pregnant. I wasn't of course. I was a fat person who happened to be pregnant. Yes, these are things I thought about when I was pregnant. How sick and twisted were these thoughts?

Now I realize that I am happy with myself because I am ME. No one else is like me. I am special. I am brave. I am intelligent. I am good at my job. I am funny and I am well liked.   AND I am a great wife and mother.  BUT, being happy with myself doesn't mean that I don't need to lose weight and want to be healthier, look better. For a long time, that's how it was for me. If I started down the road of thinking I needed to lose weight, I got depressed. Now I know that is because I wanted to be thin. I wanted to look like everyone else. BUT, I wasn't doing anything to make it happen.

Now....I just want to look like me. A healthier me.  And I am doing what I should. I am exercising. I am eating right. I am losing weight. And I am finally proud of myself.  One of the reasons I am proud is that I am teaching my children to be healthy and happy with their bodies. I am teaching them all the things that I didn't know as a kid. At least, I am trying to.

My son is entering a critical time. His teen years. He is so far ahead of where I was at his age. He is an easy going kid. He makes friends easily. He's one of these kids who just doesn't worry about what others think. He's smart and school comes easily for him with the exception of writing. I am so very proud of him. Part of me is terrified at what the next few years will bring. The rest is just excited and curious. He has his Mom's sense of humor and his Dad's incredible brain for math. He is a great conversationalist.  He is really a joy to be around.
Today I am a little sad to lose my baby boy. But, I am also very excited to see the young man evolve. Deep voice and body hair and love of classic rock music and *gulp* growing interest in girls which has led to a growing interest in his hair and clothes and cologne. Texting and you-tube and  computer games, PS 3 and Xbox and Ipod, the constant growth in his ear.  Emerging sports fan, addicted to good books, fan of "guy" movies, french horn player. But, still my silly boy who laughs at silly jokes and fart noises. I love you, little man. I am so proud of you.

Friday, November 19, 2010

I did it!

Well it was scary and tiring and fun. I got my yellow belt!  At first I felt really totally weird. There were all the parents with cameras pointed at us. I was the only grown up testing. I thought, "All these parents are laughing at me." But then, I just focused in on making sure I did everything right.

I was sweaty. I was tired. I was wheezy. I wasn't sure I wanted to do it. A whole CROWD of people were watching me work out. Jogging in place, jumping jacks, stretches, kicks. I just prayed I didn't look too fat and stupid. And then I said to myself, "Screw it." None of these people are up here or have the balls to be out here. Screw them.

I made it through the test. The kids thought it was too cool to be watching Mommy. My husband was there.  At the end, I got all worried that the yellow belt wouldn't fit me. I thought "what if they didn't get one big enough? That would be sooooo embarrassing." But then it fit perfectly. Better than the white one which was probably too big.

After the test, we took some pics. The kids came running to give Mommy a hug and everyone there told me congratulations and that they thought I was amazing for being out there and that I should keep it up. It felt great. I was sore and tired and sweaty. I came home and my hubby watched the kids while I took a nice long bath. Then I had some fat free frozen yogurt.  And I'm still hungry since I didn't eat much before the test. I've had two 32 oz glasses of water since the test so I'm gonna have another small snack now.

Hope you all have a good night!

Oral Exam

Getting my belt


Wish me luck! AND Hot 100 Update.

I am so glad it is Friday! Woo hoo! Despite the fact that my ass hurts. That's right. You heard me. My. Ass. Hurts.  I've been practicing and working hard on my TKD for the test tonight. All this kicking and jumping and what not has made my butt sore and my legs sore.

Yesterday, I got up and did about 20 minutes of practice. Believe me it is a workout. I sweat and my HR gets up pretty damn quickly.  Breakfast was an egg white omelet with Canadian back ham(? according to one commenter from up north) and cheese. For lunch I had 1 cup of pasta left over from a couple days ago dinner. And salad. Dinner was Chicken enchilada casserole and salad and a 1/2 cup black eyed peas. I was pleasantly surprised that my girls ate it up, for a change.   Total calories for yesterday was 1245.  I drank 6, yes SIX, 32 oz glasses of water, plus my coffee in the am. I cannot believe how much I love my water. I think I am just more in tune with my body and when I need to be drinking now. 

I had TKD class yesterday. An hour of hard work. For warm up we did: jogging in place, jumping jacks, a million stretches, kicks, punches, 30 push ups, and....are you ready?......150 crunches. You heard me. That was the warm up. No wonder I was a wheezy mess. I had to puff a lot yesterday as my asthma was a problem.  Then, I got lucky as the other white belt in my class wasn't there. One on one teaching. Sounds awesome and it was, BUT it means there was no down time for me. No waiting my turn. I did a zillion kicks.  I did my form many times. Now you know why my ass hurts.

Then last night, my kids wanted to see my stuff. They were quizzing me, they wanted to practice so I did about 30 MORE minutes of practice. I got up this morning and I had planned on running. BUT....I have the test tonight at 7:30 and I was worried that if I ran my legs would be too tired to do well. Instead I did about 15 minutes of practice and review.  I'll run in the morning. Assuming my ass cooperates.

To be honest, I'm a little nervous about tonight. Not because I'm afraid of messing up. I know the material. Not because I'm afraid of not being able to finish, I know I can. But, I'm having a bit of that old "fat-girl" fear. I'll be the only adult white belt testing. I'll be with a lot of little kids. That means a lot of parents watching and video taping and STARING at the fat lady in the giant white belt. Sigh. On the other hand....I'll be doing shit they can't and haven't had the guts to try to do, so FUCK THEM, right?

Plus....I think I might get to break my first board. AND...I'll make one of my Hot 100 goals. And, my BFF and I have always had the motto, "embarrassment is the spice of life."  It's fun to be silly. It's fun to GO FOR IT. I've always believed it and I don't really care what other people think.  They can't criticize me if they don't have the balls to do it too. So over all, I'm excited about tonight.

Hot 100 Update:
1) Be 199 pounds:  Thanks to all the water and tracking of calories and exercise, I've lost 2 pounds. I am 205. That's the lowest weight yet. And that means only 6 more pounds to meet this goal. I know I can do it.

2)  Be a size 14, in a "real" store. Well, I measured earlier in the week and I am continuing to lose inches. I haven't tried this yet, but I can comfortably wear my 16s from Kohl's. And my 14 jeans from Lane Bryant I'm wearing today and there is plenty of room.  And I wore my new size 14 sweater the other day to work. I'm wearing my T shirt from my first 5K last weekend and it is a....get ready for it....  LARGE. A LARGE! Hell yeah! I hope to make this one, I'm on my way.

3) Get my yellow belt: SEE ABOVE. Wish me luck tonight and pictures will be posted either tonight or tomorrow.

4) Run a 5K:  SINCE I'm wearing the T-shirt today, you'll note I actually did one. A real race. But, I didn't run the whole thing. My running took a step backwards with the whole, "I had an organ removed" thingy. But, I did walk/jog it and I finished AND I wasn't the last one across the finish line. I'm working to increase my running so I can get to the point I can run the whole time.  But, I'm very proud I had the balls to enter and do a race.... finally.

How're your goals coming along? Are you making REAL progress?  What do you need to DO to get those goals DONE???

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The "C" Word

There sure seems to be a lot of people out here in blogland that are constantly talking about commitment or lack thereof.  I think sometimes we use this term very loosely. There are challenges and promises and commitments all of which are taken seriously sometimes and sometimes not.  All this talk about commitment and the fact that my anniversary is coming up soon got me thinking about REAL commitment.

I think that this journey is very much like falling in love..........

At first, you are excited. Everything is new. It's all you can think about.  You are dreaming about it. You are learning all about your new healthy change.   You just can't get enough.  You wake up each day and just KNOW you are going to be great. You buy new clothes, those cute little yoga pants with matching top. You want to look your best. You start to feel really good about your new relationship with health. You realize this may be the ONE. The time you finally get to goal.

You make all these lists of things you are going to do. Setting goals.  And the rewards for each one. You start to really believe.  You start to day dream about it. About a time when you are thin and all your dreams will come true. What your future together will be like. How you will look. How you will feel. You are so happy to finally be on your way. You make a commitment to never go back. You want to spend the rest of your life just like this.... happy and healthy.

As time goes on you start to notice all the things that get on your nerves.  You start to wonder if you've made the right choice. You remember the days before when you could do whatever you wanted. Eat, sleep, drink, lay around, have fun. Just do your own thing. NOW you have to think first. You have to always be on guard. You have RULES to follow.

At some point you get mad. You are sick of the shit. Sick of putting up with those little annoyances. Tired of missing the way your life used to be. You put some distance between you and your new way of life. You start looking around at others. See them just happy with who they are. Not worrying about every little calorie.   Not getting up at the ass crack of dawn to put themselves through sweating and grunting and working and feeling like you might die, only to wake up sore as hell and have to start it all over again.

It seems like it's not as easy as it was before. You start to resent the whole thing. You don't see WHY you have to deal with this EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  The rest of your life starts to seem like a VERY long time. You're stuck with it. You'll never live any other way. The same old thing. Eat right, exercise. Eat right exercise. Eat right, blah blah blah blah.  You start to think about BEFORE. How things were. Was it really that bad?

You are faced with temptation.

Your old friend junk food. You've always had feelings for it. ALWAYS had a good time together, as far as you remember anyway.  You remember how it feels. How it tastes. How it looks. How GOOD it made you feel. It's SO sexy.  And it's been a LONG time. Soooooooo long.  And why DID you break it off anyway? I mean, was it really THAT bad for you?  Just ONE time won't hurt. Will it? Just one teeny tiny itsy bitsy taste? I mean, you don't have to go ALL the way. Is just ONE tiny slip up cheating?

You start visiting with it again. Stopping on the cookie aisle at the grocery store, just looking longingly at the Oreo package.  Lingering near the bakery for just a few seconds longer than you needed to find that low carb pita.  It makes itself VERY clear. It's there. ANYTIME. ANYPLACE. All you have to do is say the word. It still wants you. It still needs you. It still knows how to make you feel GOOD.

And now you have a choice to make.

You can dive right in with junk food where you left off.  Say to hell with it. I DESERVE to be happy. I have NEEDS.   And you know how it will go. You'll start slow. A few cookies here, a mini candy bar there. Then it's the holidays and OH the choices. AND, it's not like you eat that stuff all the time. I mean, hell, you can't even get those Little Debbies Christmas Trees except NOW. ONE time a year won't hurt. And then you need more and more. And before you know it you're driving thru McDs ordering 2 combo meals and desserts just so the acne faced kid at the window doesn't know ALL that stuff is for you.

You wake up one day and you're sick of it. You decide you'll cut down. And there's JUNK, calling you, following you, always around. You have to start making excuses.  "I have an upset stomach, I can't eat fries tonight". But Junk won't stop. It's relentless and...

You're back where you started.

AND what would that do to your healthy self, huh? You've worked so hard to maintain that relationship. You've been through SO much and come so FAR together. Losing everything you've built together would suck.  You remember, you really do like your new life. In fact you love it very much. You have planned a future together. A plan that will keep you alive and healthy and happy for a long, long time.

And you realize you aren't ready to throw all that away. Not for JUNK food.  And you know how that ALWAYS ends. With you not fitting in your clothes, crying in the bathroom, depressed and rejected.

You tell junk food goodbye. For GOOD this time. And as you stare lovingly at your new self in the mirror you realize that this commitment you've made is for life. YOUR LIFE. It may not be EVERYTHING you dreamed of, but it's as close as you need. You realize your dreams were just that, DREAMS, and the reality is so much BETTER. Because THIS life will be here for you. It won't always be easy. They'll be rocky times. BUT, at the end of the day, THIS life is what LIFE is all about.


APPARENTLY the title to my previous post was misleading. I am heretofore changing it to "Shorter Than Normal, Yet Still Kinda Long"......

Hee hee. Thanks Alan for the chuckle. What can I say? I talk too much and therefore I write too much. I've always been this way. My report cards all through school would say, "She is an excellent student, but she talks too much in class."

And now....I need to pee.....
Have a super day! I'll check in later for one of my extremely long and verbose posts.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Today was an extremely long day. I'm pooped and can barely keep my eyes open so this will be short. Yawn.  I spent most of my day triumphing over disease, or tying to. Seeing a ton of respiratory infections and sore throats. It's is that time of year, after all. For God's sake wash your hands and cover your cough. Or..don't. It's good for business.

I woke this am knowing it would be a long day. I had meetings at lunch and after work. I had planned on working out this morning, but it just didn't happen. My son is trying out for basketball and that means he has to be at school at 6:30am. That means my workout has to come at 5am and I just couldn't get up. So instead I spent 20 min between seeing my last patient this morning and the lunch meeting to practice my TKD. I am getting ready for the test on Friday.  I did my kicks, practiced my forms and while it wasn't a super sweaty workout, I was moving.

Breakfast was an egg white omlet with cheese and Canadian bacon. Those Canadian's really know how to do bacon. Or is it ham? Either way it tastes good. Breakfast was 240 calories.  We had lunch brought in again and this is always iffy. That's why I bring my snacks and have frozen food or soups for a back up.  Today I brought in yogurt for snack, 2 plums and I got a head of iceberg lettuce which I washed and have used for the munchies. It's crunchy and near nil on calories.  Luckily today there were some yummy grilled veggie wraps. I emptied the wrap and tossed the carbs. I had salad with my low cal salad spritzer.  They also brought some yummy sweet potato chips. Can I just say how much I LOVE these?  I could eat the whole bowl, BUT I didn't. I had 10 of them and I was pleased. Lunch was 200 calories.

I went straight from work to a board meeting. I had a yogurt and plum on the way. Along with my 4th 32oz glass of water. When I arrived, I saw they had food for us. Sandwiches and pasta salad and a strawberry shortcake. Clearly most of this is not an option. However, I handled it. I noticed that one of the sandwiches was a roasted turkey. So, I ditched the bun, and ate the turkey. No pasta, no dessert. Instead I had coffee w/ some milk and sweetener. Dinner was 390 cal.  Right now I'm at 1009 cals and too tired to eat anything more. Plus I'm finishing my 5th glass of water.

Today was a success and I am doing pretty well. I weighed this am and I am seeing a loss this week. Official weigh in for the challenge is on Sunday, so I'll see how things look then. OH! And I almost forgot. I got offered Cowboy tickets today and of course I said YES! So we'll be at the game on Sunday. Hope we play as well as we did last week. It's the Lions and they've played well, but Matt Stafford has been out so I am cautiously optimistic. Good night, all!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Weird, but cool.

Yesterday was a great day. For a Monday. I sure am busy at the office right now. Good news/bad news there I guess. That's how it is this time of year. Hectic, busy, overbooked. And flu hasn't even arrived here yet. Usually it hits around here in January, just about the time kids return to school from the holidays.

I'm still rockin along with the SDDDY challenge. The water is fabulous. Really I am so used to it now that when I don't get it all in (like today, I'm behind.) I feel like crap. And I'm not peeing as much as I was at first so I guess my body is adjusting as expected.

Yesterday, I did well with my food. Really well I thought. I had Egg whites and a bagel thin for breakfast. For lunch I had low fat Progresso tomato basil soup. It's pretty yummy. Especially for 200 calories for the whole can!  For dinner I had a huge salad, some broccoli and 2 small lobster ravioli.  Total calories was 1251. I drank 128oz of water.

I didn't work out yesterday. My legs needed to rest from the 5K on Sunday. Instead of a workout, I practiced some on my TKD.   I had thought I might workout at lunch, but ended up working through. Yeah. we're busy.  Last night I crashed early. I was asleep before 10pm which hardly ever happens, but I guess I was still tired from the busy weekend.

Today was a great day, but super busy.   The office was hopping. The phone won't stop ringing which is great, but annoying sometimes.   At lunch I changed into my TKD stuff and rushed out to class. As usual the workout was hard. Really hard. We did a lot of practice today as I plan to test on Friday for my yellow belt test.  I figure I burned at least 700 calories in that 1 hour. Yeah, my legs are sore now from all the kicking.

As a side note....I cannot believe how much I sweat. Good lord, I could float a small boat. I think maybe I'm drinking so much water it just oozes out my pores.   I thought that the more I work out and the thinner I get that the sweat would decrease. Doesn't  seem to be getting any better. The good news is my sweat doesn't stink. No seriously, it doesn't. I've asked. But I'm just drenched-hair, neck, chest. Pretty much everywhere. Which is OK except that sometimes people actually have to touch me during class and ewww...it's yucky. 
Does anyone else have this problem?

Today I took along my fitness warrior towel I bought from Bobbie at Anonymous Fat Girl.  It helped and I plan to never go to TKD without it again. She wants pictures of people with their gear so I'll get someone to take one sometime soon. And of course I'll have to show pics when I get my new belt.

Today I ate egg whites and bagel thin for breakfast.  Since I had to rush home from TKD and shower and change into dress clothes for my business meeting tonight, I didn't have much time for lunch. I ate 2 string cheese, an apple, a banana and 6 crackers for lunch so I could eat it while driving back to the office for yet another meeting.  Dinner tonight was 1cup of pasta with marinara and some broccoli. Total calories for today was 1255.

I didn't drink enough today.  Oh not for the challenge. I beat that amount. But, I guess the exercise and all the sweating put me behind in the fluids. I've had nearly 64 oz this evening and haven't peed that much.  The more I drink, the more I need.  Can you be addicted to water? Is there a  water addict anonymous I can join? I just can't figure out how much is too much. When will I find the right balance? I know it depends on your activity level, sodium intake and a whole bunch of other factors. I just know I drink so much that I can't believe I still feel thirsty. But, on the bright side, my body feels better, I'm not hungry and Allan can't give me shit for not following the rules.

Oh and here's an NSV for you. The other day I went to pick up the kids from their TKD class. I stood at the large window watching them finish class. Across the classroom the whole wall is covered with mirrors. I saw my reflection and thought, "who's that lady? " Then I kind of shook myself and realized it was me I saw. I looked so much smaller I didn't recognize me. I guess from that distance I could see my whole reflection and with the other people in the room I could get a perspective on what I look like compared to other people and I don't look that horribly big anymore. I'm still big mind you, but less. I guess I hadn't been able to see what others see. It was cool. Weird but cool.

And now I'm pooped again so off to bed. Good night all!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Wonderful Weekend. I AM AWESOME!

This weekend was really great. I had a great time. It was successful and emotional and inspiring.

Saturday morning we woke up early packed our bag and headed up to Norman for the OU game. Last one of the season and Senior day. I love senior day. It is fun to say goodbye to the players you've cheered for the last 4-5years.  You know you'll miss them, but are so happy for them. We also said goodbye to our radio anouncer who's been doing the games for over 40years, Big Bob Barry. He is an Oklahoma institution. He was on the radio or TV for longer than I was alive. The band played Boomer Sooner and stood in a formation that spelled out "Thanks Bob".  They drove him around in a golf cart all the way around the stadium so he could wave goodbye. He'll be missed and it was cool to say good bye to him in a very nice way.  We won the game against Texas Tech handily. Why can't we play that way on the road??? Anyway, it was a lot of fun.

Me drinking water at the stadium.

Saturday food was really good. I did great despite being on the road without many options.  Had a banana and coffee. We drove through McDs to get the kids breakfast as we were super late. I ate an egg McMuffin, no cheese, about half.  We got to Norman about noon. Kids had pizza. I ate a tiny piece. We went to the game. As usual we walked a little over a mile both ways to the stadium, plus at the stadium, the standing, cheering and jumping up an down. (I really get into my football).  At the stadium I got a baked potato, no toppings. Ate about 1/2. I had nothing but water to drink. I ended the day with about 130 ounces.  I peed more at this game than usual, but I didn't even mind.  That night My cousins wanted Korean, which I don't care for, but I was out voted 3 to 1. I knew there wouldn't be many choices. I got beef, no sauce. With plain steamed rice. I ate about 1/2 cup rice and 1/2 the beef. I ended the day at 1400cal, my target being 1375.

Sunday, we woke up early because, well...that's what kids do. We had scrambled eggs for breakfast. We hung out and chatted with the family. Then it was time to head out for the race.  My girls were excited, but couldn't figure out what the point of a race you know you can't win is. I told them it wasn't the kind of race you win. It was the kind you do for fun to be healthy. They were like, "Yeah, but you can win right?"  I finally agreed and told them if I finished, I will win.

I arrived at the race. My BFF was there. It was her first also. She's lost 26 pounds. She is doing great. We got our packets and shirts. I got a LARGE and it fits! I cannot believe it. I was so super happy.  I've never worn a large. Not ever.   I wore it over the shirt I arrived in even.   I have to admit there were a few moments before the race where I was nervous. I even felt a bit out of place. I didn't know how these things usually work.  The race was to benefit my High School's PTA.  There were about 200 people there. It was a great turn out for the first year. They've decided to do it every year. They took $5 of our fee and gave it to the club of your choice. The rest that is left will be given to the PTA. What a great way to help out the school and ourselves!

 The band was there playing great music. There were vendors selling drinks and food. Hamburgers and such. Of course I didn't eat anything, but I was glad they were there because the girls were hungry.  My BFF works at the school, she's a teacher. We spent a few minutes meeting various friends of hers. Even ran into a couple of our old classmates. Twenty-two years later. Wow. And they weren't running, they were volunteers. Ha ha.

 When it was time to line up for the start, my heart started to race. I stood there looking around at all the other people. There were "real" runners and really healthy fit people all around me. Self doubt was creeping in, but I pushed it away. I wasn't worried that I could finish. I didn't even care about my time. I knew I could walk 5K as I've done it many times. But, I realized I hadn't walked/ran outside that far since before my surgery.  Luckily my BFF and I were there laughing and just enjoying it. My husband took a few pics as we waited for the starting gun.

Then we were off. We decided to run the first little bit. We did about 1/4 mile. Then we were walking. Of course most of the pack was way ahead of us.  I did have some trouble with my asthma. But I was smart enough to bring my inhaler with me. It was a beautiful fall day. Sun shining through the autumn leaves. Everyone was nice. There were people cheering along the route. We were at the back with the walkers and old farts. We didn't care. We visited and talked along the way. We did a few intervals of jogging off and on.
The race ended at the football field and around the track to the finish line. We decided we'd run that last 1/4 of a mile, so we did.  We told the old guys that we were gonna blow their doors off and we did. We ran hard and I was tired by the end.   I could hear my daughters yelling, "Go Mommy! You can do it! Run!"  I was so super proud that I was showing them I can be healthy.  It was emotional. There were so many people at the finish line clapping and giving us high-fives.

I know I wasn't last so, yeah me. I did it in 54 minutes which is slow, but I thought good considering it's only been 5 weeks since my surgery.  We went to pick up our snack and water. People asked us how we did. We ended up chanting "We weren't last. We weren't last" while the crowd around us laughed and cheered us on.

Considering that 7 months ago this was not even a possibility I think I did extremely well. Back then it was only a dream. I had wanted to do a 5K before my 40th birthday, but I stood in my own way. Sure I had health problems and I was busy and all that. But the truth is that I just thought it was harder than it is. I made it that way. Out of fear. Out of self doubt. Out of laziness.  I just thought I didn't like to exercise.

I told myself that a million times. I'm not cut out to exercise. I'm not built that way. I don't like it. The truth is I was afraid to try and lazy. I feel like the guy in Dr. Seuss's Green Eggs and Ham

SAY! I like to run and work and sweat
I like to walk and run, you bet!

I will run inside and out.
I will run without a doubt.

I can run with my I-tunes.
I can run April, May or June.

Running summer, spring, or fall
Not even winter will stop me, y'all.

And I will do it on the road.
I will carry my fat load.

I will run both here and there.
I will run most anywhere.

I will do it. I'm not too old.
The more I do it, I am bold.

I would like to run up hill.
And then back down. Of course, I will..

If I can do it, so can you.
I LIKE to run. I do. I DO!

 Me before the race. Thanks Shelley again for the shirt!

I have some other pics I'll post later. These are the only ones I had in my phone and I forgot the camera at home. After the race, we went to eat BBQ at a local rib joint. I had smoked turkey, green beans and corn on the cob. I even let myself eat a few bites of the bread. I drank and drank. And the drive home was long as I was sore. But it was all worth it. And to be honest, I think I'm hooked. I can't wait to get outside and run again. I can't wait to do another 5K.  I don't care if I do it by myself, if I'm the fattest one there, if I'm the last one across the line.  I'm already looking for another one to do. Why? BECAUSE I CAN. I CAN. I CAN. I CAN!


Friday, November 12, 2010

Hot 100 Update. Water Logged.

Here we are. Another Friday? Are you kidding me?

Hot 100 Update:
1) Lose to 199 pounds: Well, see my post from earlier today. I haven't quite figured out what's going on. Earlier in the week I saw 207, my lowest yet. Today it was 209 again with no understandable reason. Sigh. Still trying. On the bright side, I did measure yesterday. I lost another .5 inches in my chest, 1inch in my waist, 1 inch in my right arm, 1/2 inch in my left.  That's since end of September, so through my illness and surgery. I think it's a definite win that I continued to lose inches during all that. I have to believe that the scale will correct itself.

2) Be a size 12:  I think I'm revising this. In light of my surgery and what not, I'm going to change this to being a size 14 in a "real" store, not Lane Bryant. I am in a 14 at LB comfortably, even with a little room. I feel like this is doable, especially since I'm back to working out.

3) Get my yellow belt: Supposed to test next Friday. Yeah.

4) Run a 5K: Well, I am supposed to walk/run one on Sunday assuming the weather isn't horrible. If it is really cold and rainy like they are saying it will be, I may have to do this on the treadmill and skip the race and try again another day. My asthma just been flared up too bad to risk a cold rainy run/walk outside. Especially this time of year which is my worst. BUT, if it doesn't happen as an official race, I know I have time to get one. I can handle cold, but not rain/humid cold. We'll see. Keep you posted.

So I'm still in Allan's challenge. I'm trying not to worry about the momentary gain. My body has just been weird since the surgery. I'm drinking lots of water. LOTS.

No really, Lots.
More than ever in my life
I can't BELIEVE how much
And yet, I keep drinking!

It's like it is so automatic, I could do it in my sleep.

Or is this all just a nightmare????

Nope. Just the SDDDY challenge. And all worth it. Even if the scale is being weird, I do feel pretty dang good with all the water. I know my skin is not dry and crusty the way it usually is this time of year.   My lips are not chapped the way they always are this time of year.   My sinuses are not all dry so I haven't had to sniff saline yet this year. And I am getting a lot of quiet meditation time at work and at home in the peaceful toilet closet.  It's the only place people aren't asking me questions or needing me for something. So.....

Thank you, water!

Hope you all enjoy your Friday night! Looking forward to a super weekend!  You?  Have you had your H20 today? GET HYDRATED!

Dear Mr. Scale....

Dear Mr. Scale,

I am writing this letter to inform you that your performance has been less than satisfactory.  After carefully following my diet plan, drinking water until I feel like I need a freaking catheter, and exercising daily, you have failed to produce the loss expected of you.   In fact, today you chose to show a gain. No matter how many times I get on and off you, the numbers are not consistent. Consistency and cooperation are absolutely necessary for us to maintain a healthy working relationship.

After much thought, I have come to the realization that there are only a few explanations for this problem. Either you are a complete failure and need to be replaced or you are deliberately trying to sabotage my efforts.  I want to be clear, I have no problem replacing you with a newer, younger, more attractive and efficient scale. However, we have a long standing relationship.  We have worked as a team in the past.  I am willing to give you a chance to improve.

But, let me be clear. I will NOT be intimidated. I will NOT be set off course. I will not allow your negativity and failure to perform affect the outcome of this long term project as a whole.  I am doing my part. Now it is your turn to do yours.  I will reevaluate in a few days. I certainly hope we can continue to work together.


Thursday, November 11, 2010

What's Veterns Day??

This was our conversation last night at the dinner table:

Me: Tomorrow is Veteran's Day. You are supposed to where red, white and blue to school.
4yr old: What's Veterns Day?
6yr old: Oh I know!  It's a doctor that takes care of animals.
4yr old: Oh. Yeah. That's right.
12 yr old: NO. That's a veterinarian.
6yr: I thought that meant you only eat veggies?
12yr: No that's a VEGetarian.
4y: I don't EVER want to be that.
Me: BUT, we're talking about VETERANs. They are the men an women that serve in the military.
4y: What's milary?
12y: OH GOD.
Me: No, honey. Mil-i-tar-y. The Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard.
12y: COAST GUARD? I didn't know that was the military.
Me:  Yeah. Well....ask "Dubyah" about that.
12y: What?
Me: Never mind....(chuckle from Dad) The military are the people that work to keep our country safe. They are the people who have fought in the wars in the past and the one going on now.
4y: There's a WAR right now?
Me: Yes sweetie. Unfortunately. There is a war in Iraq.
6y: A RACK? Mommy. That doesn't make sense.
12y: I-RAQ. It's a country across the ocean. Geez.
4y: OHHHHH. Like China. Is there a war in China?
Me: Not yet.
6y: You know....lots of stuff is made in China and it breaks and it is crap.
Me: Giggle...
4y:  Mommy. I don't think there should be war.
Me: Me neither.
6yr: Then why do we need a miliary?
Me: Because sometimes people don't get along and they fight even when they shouldn't.
6y: OH. Like when brother throws stuff at me and CHASES me and makes FUN of me and IT is WRONG!(staring at him with an angry look)
Me: (trying to be serious) Yes. Like that. And the military, fights if we need to to protect the United States.
4y: What's the United States?
6y: AMERICA. You know. .... Like TEXAS.
12y: TEXAS is NOT AMERICA. It is IN America. Haven't you learned that? God, you're so...
Me: Well... ANYWAY. We should be thankful for veterans. It is a very important job.
4y: Like YOUR job?
Me: WAY more important than that.
4y: Mommy, did you know that even BOYS can be doctors?
Me: Laughing hysterically at the irony that she thought doctors are usually women. I'll save that lesson for another day.....
Yesterday was a very busy and hectic. I had yogurt and a banana for breakfast. I had no lunch. For dinner, I had some pasta with marinara, green beans and a HUGE salad.  Calories ended at 887. I didn't get as much water in as I was just BUSY. But, I did drink my minimum.

Today I have an NSV. I am wearing a black dress I've had for a while. It still fits but it is almost too big. It hangs nicely. With it I am wearing the knee high boots I ordered from a plus sized catalog to get ones that fit my legs. They fit, but they are loose. I can get 2 fingers in the boot. I am bummed that I probably cannot wear these again, but maybe this means I can buy ones from a real store now?

Hope everyone has a great day. Remember a veteran today!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Disturbing, Yet thought provoking.

Last night my husband and I watched a documentary. One of ESPN's 30for30 series. If you like sports at all and, frankly even if you don't, these films are excellent. I haven't seen them all yet, but they are good enough that I plan on adding them to my Net Flix and/or TIVO so I can see them all.

Last night's film was about Marcus Dupree. If you are not a football fan you may not know about him.He was an amazing athlete from Mississippi. Philidelphia, MS actually.  This is the same small town where 3 young black men disappeared in the 1960s and later found that the sheriff had handed them over to the KKK. Their bodies were found later nearby.   Many years later, Marcus was apart of the first high school class to be integrated all the way through school. The movie addresses these issues and how football helped in uniting a town divided by race.

But the story is so sad. He was a running back and so talented with so much promise. The story is close to my heart because he played 1 year for the Sooners. He had a lot of personal problems, including a brother with cerebral palsy that motivated him to run harder, jump higher, play tougher. He was the most recruited athlete of the time. He set all kinds of records, some still stand today. But, he had family and people around him that took advantage of him.  He ended up leaving college after that year, never to return. He just vanished for a time. Even his mother didn't know where he was. He was hiding from all the people who wanted a piece of him.

He ended up playing for the USFL for a year because the NFL didn't take Sophomores at that time.  He played only 1 full season. He was severely injured, blew his knee out. At 20 years old, his career was over and he was bankrupt with no future. He was depressed for a long time, then decided he wanted to play football again. He had gained a lot of weight.  He worked out non-stop, dieted, rehabbed his knee. He lost 100pounds in 3 months. He tried out for the NFL and made it. He played for the LA Rams for 3 years and then was cut. Now he drives a truck. He clearly has many regrets. One being not going back to college. Not getting his education. Not managing his money better. Trusting people he shouldn't have.  But he said he did what he wanted by coming back and being able to play for the NFL when no one thought he could. He has a family now.  He still lives in the same small town. There is a church there he donated the money to build with a memorial to the 3 young men who were killed.

This story blew me away. I knew about Marcus Dupree, but only remember that he was amazing and then dropped out.  I'm really not sure why I'm so affected by this story. I just haven't been able to get it out of my mind today.  It certainly is sad in many ways.  I really felt for the poor kid. It was so obvious to me as a physician that he seemed to have depression. They didn't discuss that in the film. I just kept thinking if someone had reached out to him and got him treatment, maybe his life would have been different.

Then I thought what courage he showed by getting over the devastation of having all his dreams taken away before he was really a grown man, before his 21st birthday. Just when most of us are starting our adult lives, finding a job, getting an education, finding our dreams, his were over. And he survived it. Not only survived, but came back to play in the NFL when no one thought he could. There was no ACL repair then. No tendon grafts. No implants that allowed you to run and jump and bend your knee.

Then there is the weight issue. He was a big man and weight was a problem. Not being in the best shape may have played a role in his injuries that led to the end of his career.  It just seemed so sad that being out of shape played a role in robbing him of such a promising future. But then, it struck me that he was able to do all that rehab and training and weight loss on his own. No physical therapists. He couldn't afford them. No weight watchers. No Jenni Craig. No surgery. No blog. He just knew he had to do it, so he did. He said he worked out 6 hours a day, sometimes more. That is desire, dedication, drive. The weight was in his way, so he got rid of it.

And I thought, why do I let the weight in my way? How are my dreams and desires being prevented because because of my weight?  This guy came back from a severe injury. I have trouble making myself work out because I'm busy or tired or just plain lazy.  This guy lost everything and had to rebuild from nothing. He did it and built a life for himself. I feel down sometimes because the number on the scale is not moving. 

I guess the point is: be thankful for what you have and don't let anything get in your way of your dreams. Believe in yourself when no one else will. Stick up for yourself.  And let go of your regrets. You have to come to an acceptance of your past so that you can build your future.

Anyway, that's been on my mind all day. It wasn't a story with a "happy ending", but it was real. And in the end isn't that life?

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I Feel Awesome!

I had a great day yesterday. Ended up with 5-32oz glasses of water. I've never peed so much. But, know what? I feel really good. My energy is coming back and I feel really good. The scale is starting to budge. I have my official weigh in tomorrow. Of course for the DDDY challenge, we weigh on Sunday.  Seems like things are working.

Today I returned to Tae Kwon Do. I remembered that I really really really like it. I remembered most of the moves.  I also was reminded about how hard it is. I am certainly the fattest person in the room, by far. But I kept up and did everything. Yeah me!  For warm up we: jog in place, jumping jacks, lots and lots of hard stretching in various positions, 60 sit ups, 40 leg lifts, 20 push ups, kicking, lots more stretches.

The leg lifts are hardest for me for sure. You remember this torture well known to PE teachers world wide. I remember having to do these in gym class and practically crying because I couldn't do them and when I did it hurt so bad. In TKD, we do 20 straight leg up and down and then 20 where you raise, lower half way, hold and then back up in the air without touching the ground. I did it. I had to put my legs down only once which I feel is a HUGE victory considering how long I've been out.

I was sweating like a beast. Thank God for good deodorant.  Turns out the other people in my class have moved up in belts since I was there so it was just me and one other white belt. She didn't know much of the material yet, so I actually ended up helping to teach her. We did our breaking holds and kicking drills. And our basic form. I found out I know pretty much all the material I need to test for yellow belt. GREAT news since getting my yellow belt is one of my Hot 100 goals. The test is on the 19th of November, so I'll be practicing. The kids will find it hilarious to see their Mommy test for a change.

I had forgotten how good it feels to punch and kick something really hard. (Yes. I do have anger issues.) It's really great stress relief. I was so happy when class was over. Mainly because I was tired, but also because I was proud of myself for going back. It would have been so easy to not go back, to let it go. It would have been easy to let them all think I was too fat for the class. BUT, that's not me. Not anymore. The fact that that's what people might be thinking about why I wasn't in class anymore just chapped my ass. I pranced in there today like I owned the place and believe me, there were some surprised faces.  The skinny chick next to me couldn't do all the push-ups. She had to convert to "girlie" ones after about 5. I did ALL TWENTY. Ha ha.  One small victory for fat chicks everywhere!

My diet has been great today. I had yogurt and a banana for breakfast. Lunch was a lean cuisine ravioli meal and another banana-potassium for the muscles.  For snack I've had an apple and an orange. Dinner will be salad and veggies and I'm not sure what but Nanny's cooking. I've got plenty of calories left. I've had 5-32oz glasses of water today already. And it still tastes good. I'm definitely changing. Today I noticed that I can almost get my wedding rings on my middle finger now. I'll be measuring tomorrow.

So what have you done lately that you thought you couldn't do? What have you done that OTHERS thought you couldn't do? What are you doing to take your active lifestyle "out of the box" of the walk, run,  bike, gym, norm?

Monday, November 8, 2010

Wow. That was hard.

Today is going pretty well. I've done great diet wise despite the temptations. Pei Wei was delivered at lunch. I didn't eat any as I was off to exercise anyway. I did grab a bunch of lettuce they brought for the lettuce wraps and I've been munching like a rabbit on that all day(without the filling of course!).  It reminded me how much I like crunchy iceberg lettuce. I don't eat it much, but it was tasty. I think I'll get some so I can munch it at home and bring it for snacks.

For breakfast I had a Jimmy Dean Light sandwich at 260 cal and a yogurt, 100cal.  I had an apple for snack mid morning.  At lunch I had a banana, 2 string cheese and some watermelon. Now I'm having an orange. Gotta keep those fruits going for Patrick.

I really don't get why some people say working out makes them hungry.  After I work out really hard, I'm not hungry at all. Maybe it's because I drink so much water. Today I had 32oz before and 32 oz after. I went home at lunch and did the C25K week 4 Day 1. WOW. That was hard for me.

Maybe it was the not running in so long. Maybe it was the soreness in my hamstrings related to all the yard work this weekend.  Either way, it was rough. BUT, I finished it. At first I was upset that it was so hard. After all I was up to 30min runs before I got sick. It is discouraging. On the other hand....

I've only been back to real workouts since last Wednesday. It was my first one since being sick and all.  So, really that's only 6 days. AND, I did challenge myself by starting with week 4, not week 1. I knew I didn't need to start the program over, at least I didn't want to. I did 1.6 miles in 30 min. I ran 16 min of that. Intervals were Run 3, 5, 3, 5, with walking between. After, I did some heavy duty intense stretching as my hamstrings were hurting and my iliotibial band can be an issue if I don't stretch.

I was spent. I mean SPENT. I drank and drank and drank. I've had 4 32 oz cups already. Plus my 16oz coffee and a can of diet DP. Total fluids=156 oz so far. I was really thirsty after the weekend. I woke up with a dessert dry mouth this am. YEP. Not enough water yesterday. And I know I had at LEAST 64oz of water.

My body is a sponge. Now I'm wondering how much is enough. How much do I need to drink until I don't want more? Am I addicted to water? I don't know. There is such a thing, you know. Crazy people get it. It's actually quite rare and I am teasing, of course.

But, what I have realized from the experience of going from a heavy exerciser to not exercising is this-for me exercise is key. I've read all the studies on diet and how it is more important in weight loss. To me it is like reading a study that says low carb is better and then another that says low fat is better. Here's the deal. When I exercise, I feel better. I feel healthier. I am more motivated to eat right. I don't want to waste that workout by eating a bunch of crapola.

I have been eating relatively healthy for a long time. The weight loss didn't happen. I was eating  a good healthy diet. I was eating a heart healthy diet. I was monitoring my calories most of the time. I even did WW. No weight loss. In March of this year when I added exercise, weight loss. I quit because of being sick. I was tracking my calories and eating pretty decent as far as amount. No weight loss, in fact I gained. Last week I started working out and upped the water, weight loss.

What more proof do I need that for me, exercise is absolutely necessary to weight loss and healthy living? NONE.  This was the end of the second week of the DDDY challenge with Allan. The first week I was not as committed as I should have been. I had a few diet slips and I wasn't working out. I was up 2 pounds. This last week I ate right, stuck to the calories, drank all the water, I'm down a pound from where I was, which is really a 3pound loss, you get me? For me it takes both diet and exercise to see real results.

I think it is the truth. I've seen plenty of patients who hit the exercise hard, but don't track their food and they don't lose. I've had plenty of patients who track their food and are very strict, but don't exercise and they don't lose.  I really think you need both. And working through your mental issues is helpful too.

It's like depression treatment. We know the medications work. We know therapy and talking it out works. So do other non-medicine things like exercise and good sleep habits. But....doing BOTH has much higher remission rates. Does it mean one approach is better than the other? NO. It tells me we can't ignore either one.

So I know that working out is important for me. For me the endorphins suppress my appetite, in my theory anyway.  Do any of you experience this? Or do you get hungry when you work out?  How much water do you drink during a workout or just after?  If I don't hydrate, I don't recover as well that's for sure.

And so I am pushing on to get myself back to where I was. Tomorrow I'm going back to TKD even though I'm a little scared and even though I know it will be hard. I have to get started again sometime. Not going won't get me closer to my goal. So, I'll go and do what I can. That's all I can do and all I can expect from myself. NOT TRYING is NOT AN OPTION.

Hangover Monday And WOW it's Bright!

Here I am on Monday morning. Can I just say i hate when the time changes? Yeah it's all bright in the morning, but it gets dark so much earlier. It's dark when I get up and dark when I get home. Plus any change in the kids routine and they become freaking idiots. So for the next week or so we'll be trying to adjust.

Overall I had a great weekend. It was busy, but fun and productive. Yesterday I got a lot done around the house, not everything I needed to do, but then when is there NOTHING to do at the house? The kids had a great weekend overall. Except for the incident with the little one deciding to write her name in pen on the sofa. Now see why we have the shit furniture in our new house? Kids.

Eating wise I did well and I was very active with all the chores and yard work and such. Of course I had football on all day listening in to the NFL. After the loss with my Sooners yesterday, I wasn't looking forward to the Cowboys game. I knew it would be bad, but holy crap! That was AWFUL. It was so embarrassing. I'm glad that I fell asleep before the 4th quarter. Woke up this morning hoping I dreamed the horror, but alas it was true. Sports hangover Monday. Sigh.

Today, I'm back to work of course and the rat race. Tonight the Boy has Boy Scouts and I have a project to help my 1st grader work on that is due on Friday.  The boy is going on his first real backpacking hike and camp this weekend. He's excited and we have to help him get all his stuff ready to go.

I will be going home at lunch to work out. I am starting back to TKD tomorrow. And..this weekend is the 5K which I'll likely have to walk most of since I'm not up to running the whole thing yet. I plan to run today at lunch again. Likely going to start back with C25K week 5.  I had just finished week 9 day 1 before I got sick, but I've got to get back to speed.

I didn't have time to do much reading and commenting so that's what I'll be working on today.  Hope you all have a great Monday.  What did you do for your health this weekend?

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Sweet Sunday.

Well, I was super busy yesterday and somehow time got away from me and I didn't post. I got up early, got kids breakfast, cleaned the house, did the dishes and took off to run errands.  My son joined me and we had a nice and rare opportunity to spend some time alone. We went to Sam's and picked up some groceries.

Back home, we got busy trimming shrubs and weeding flower beds in the front yard. It's great exercise. I did some walking also with the kids. After that it was time to cook dinner. I made a big pot of spicy chili. We sat down with yummy stuff just in time for the OU game.

Luckily I have a strong stomach because the outcome of that game coulda made me lose my dinner. Can't believe we lost. I won't even go into details on what we did wrong just to say, poor play calling and poor execution is at the root of the problem.

I did well with food yesterday. Had egg scrambled with canadian bacon, peppers and onion with wheat toast. For lunch I had a PBJ and watermelon. Dinner was chili with the low fat corn bread. Calories were a little over 1300. I have trouble getting all my water in on weekends. But I got in 96 oz, maybe a little more.

Today we have planned a lot of house work, yardwork and even a little cooking, just for fun.  I usually try to cook on the weekends since I have more time and it makes leftovers for the week.  Today, I plan grilled pork loin stuffed with cranberries and pear with cranberry-pear-pomegranate sauce.  I picked up some fresh cranberries and pomegranate so it sounded yummy.   I haven't figured out the sides, but I'm thinking roasted sweet potatoes and salad.

Of course later the Cowboys play and I'll be tuning in despite the fact that they will likely suck and lose. But, I am no fair weather fan and I will take my bitter with the sweet. Besides it might be amusing.

Hope you all have a fabulous Sunday.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Day 136. FRIDAY NIGHT!!!!!

So home at lunch I went. I rode 7 miles on the stationary. I did 50 push ups-20 "real" and 30 girlie ones. I did 50 crunches, 40 reverse crunches, 60 bridge, and 2-30sec planks.  I felt great after. Even my belly. I drank and drank and drank today. I have already consumed 100oz water and I will get another 32oz on the way home from work in a minute and likely at least another 1/2-1 with and after dinner. Yeah pee!

After I had 3.5 oz of pork chop left over w/ a small salad and watermelon for 282 cal and an apple for snack. You can rest assured that I will enter all my food and add it before I eat it tonight so I don't go over my calories again.

I plan to go home to my family and watch Toy Story 3 on DVD and eat dinner. I don't know what we're having yet. Then tomorrow there's a lot house stuff, football and exercise to do. I also have to plan my kids bday parties so I'm busy busy. I'll post tomorrow sometime while I watch the games.   There are so many good ones for this week.

OU play TX A&M, I think we'll win that. I'm looking forward to the TCU v Utah game. Should be a good one.  Alabama v LSU will be a good game. Who would've thought TX v K-State would be so irrelevant? I like it. The NFL is a mess with my Cowboys in the toilet. I keep watching just so I can laugh at how bad it gets. Is this how the Browns fans felt all that time?  Who knew the Raiders vs Kansas City would be a better game to watch than Dallas at Green Bay. Whatev. I'll be watching my Boys. No fair weather fan here.  And the Vikes, my other team. Favre, Ohhhhhh Favre. What body part will you destroy this week? And the Redskins drama. Who can stop watching?

How do you know when you are a football addict? When you are watching Rutgers v South Florida on a Wednesday night. Yep. I was.  Just mad I missed most of the Gtech vs Vtech last night. Kids...they have this weird thing about needing attention and food and bathing. GEEZ! But even I can't watch Central Mich vs Western Mich. There is a limit. I think I found it. Ha ha ha.

Enjoy your Friday. Drink your water!  How much did you get in? What workout did you do today?  And what sports will you be watching this weekend?

I'm an Idiot and Hot 100 update.

Well. I'm an idiot. Officially. Yesterday I went over my DDDY challenge calories by 200cal. Why? Because I made a conscious choice to eat more? Because I decided to have a little extra? No. Because I'm a math idiot. I just miscalculated how many calories I had left and ate too much. UGH. But, I did drink 5 32oz glasses of water.  I am so frustrated with myself. But, I will persevere. Plus I am under the challenge calorie count over all for the week.

As a side note I will tell you that math is REALLY not my thing. It takes effort for me. I should know better than to rely on my brain when a perfectly reliable calculator is nearby. Sometimes I'm a dumbass.

The scale however has not moved and I'm started to be irritated, grrr. Maybe it's my body adjusting to all the extra water. I don't know. But, I came to work fasting today and had all my labs drawn, including my thyroid. I've had problems off and on before, especially when I was trying to get pregnant the second time. So, I'm wondering if it is playing a role in my scale not budging.

That being said, I'll move on to my Hot 100 goals:
1) To be 199 pounds, well, I'm 10 pounds from it. If I can get the scale moving and stay on track with Allan's challenge it should be totally doable.
2) To be size 12: we'll see. I've restarted on the exercise and next week I'll get back to TKD and training harder. I haven't measured lately.  I'm wondering if this is unrealistic. Maybe it should be to be a size 14 in a regular store?
3)  To get my yellow belt in TKD: Finally I'm able to start back on Tuesday.
4) Run a 5K: Well I'm all signed up for my first one on the 14th.  We'll see how much of it I can run. Then maybe in the next 6 weeks I can continue to build my running back up and meet the goal of being to run the whole 3 miles.

I still haven't gotten my iphone thingy straightened out. It works so I'll get it figured out some day. Sigh.
Hope you all have a great day. I'm off to workout at home. This weekend, I'll be running at the park, I hope, AND getting my gym bag re-packed so I can make my triumphant return to the gym next week. Yeah!

Why is getting BACK in the grove of exercise seem to be so much harder than starting the first time was? Likely it's just attitude. I guess. Today I'll bike and stretch and do my core training. Back to work body, whether you like it or not. Actually, my body LOVES it, it's that stupid corner of my brain that complains. TOO BAD SO SAD. MOVE IT!


Thursday, November 4, 2010

Day 136 and Word of the Week.

I am having a fabulous week except for the trials and tribulations of owning an iPhone. I love love love it, but OMG when you have problems it is a super de duper pain. I can't get the damn thing to sync right. I am a pretty computer literate person and I've searched the support site and chat rooms. I've tried all that shit. I can't get it to back up or update or even restore. AHHH! So, I'm going to call my tech dude and have him check some stuff out on my laptop and THEN I'll call apple support. I think it is a conspiracy where they figure if they make it hard enough, you'll give up and just go buy a new phone. Sigh.

So I've noticed all these blogs having words of the day or week or whatever. My word is PISSY. That's right. I am pissy about my phone, but that's not the meaning I'm referring to. I am drinking so much water right now. I've been drinking a lot all along, but I am making an effort to drink more. I am trying to get ready for Allan's new challenge. I have to say that I've been drinking a minimum of 64 ounces a day since March when I started my get fit life change. Even at this level, I find myself feeling thirsty. So now I am on a mission to see how much water it takes until I don't feel thirsty.  Yesterday I drank 4-32ounce glasses. I've found I like it cold and I drink it best and fastest with a straw. I chug at least 1/2 the glass right after the fresh fill up, then the other half in the next 1-2 hours. Today I've had 64 ounces and it is just now noon. I'm going to try for 5 glasses a day OR until I am not thirsty.

I can tell you I'm not hungry.  For breakfast I had my 12ounces of coffee w/ light powder creamer and splenda. I had a small slice of the home made banana bread Nanny made yesterday-whole wheat flour, no sugar, no oil (fat free yogurt instead). Very healthy stuff. I'd planned a yoplait yogurt with it, but I drank my water, wasn't hungry and I just realized I left the damn thing sitting on my desk for the last 3 hours. Now it's warm. Yuck.

I don't know what I'm having for lunch yet. I'm not hungry. At all.  I'm planning on going home to exercise at lunch. I have to see if I can touch base with Geek Dude, so that may have to wait until later. I've got to get back in the habit of morning workouts. I just do better that way. AND when I workout every morning, I can still do an extra at lunch so some days I get 2 in. It's what I did prior to my surgery so I'm working back up to it.

I was in Target this am picking up some canned skim milk for one of Tami's recipes. I walked down the baking aisle. Boxes of brownies, cookie mix, cake mixes, those warm in the microwave desserts when flying by. You know what? I looked at them and had absolutely no desire. I thought, "Huh that one looks good, " but I had none of the pulling, out of control urge to shove one in my basket that I used to feel. Is this what "normal" people feel?   I used to see a food on TV or in the store or heck, I might just think of a food and I would have an urge, sometimes an overwhelming urge to eat it. I might not be able to get the thought of whatever that food was out of my head until I gave in and ate it.  I haven't felt that in so long.

And then I got to thinking about the last meal I had in a restaurant. I could not remember it. Not take out, not drive thru. We have been eating at home pretty much all the time. That made me feel really good. Of course I have help with Nanny. We work as a team. Most nights she starts dinner and I finish, but the weekends are mine.  The last time I ate a meal out was the last OU game October 16th. Can you believe that? And the kids haven't had fast food except once in the last MONTH. We went to sonic and I got them a hot dog and slushie last weekend when I was down and not feeling well. I got my diet cherry limeade. Very tasty.

That made me feel really good that without a goal to avoid eating out, we just did naturally because we are trying to be healthier.   In fact, I don't really even enjoy eating out that much anymore. Fast food is OUT. There are very few things I will eat at fast food anymore. It just tastes like crap. And eating in a restaurant with 3 kids is not ideal to say the least. It's just so much nicer to come home, sit at the dinner table, no TV on and talk as a family. It just really feels nice. And the kids are thriving right now.  I was looking at my son, he has really slimmed down with football and watching his food. He looks so cute and he's growing up so fast. His 13th bday is 2 weeks away. Sigh.

So one of my patients I've known forever saw me today and realized how much weight I've lost. She was stunned. She had the lap band about 1 year ago, maybe longer and never really lost much weight. She got really sick and had to have the thing drained. I wear scrubs a lot in the office. My scrubs are HUGE on me. And with the lab coat, you don't notice as much. Today I have on "real" clothes and I was walking down the hall and she stopped in her tracks when she saw me. She of course asked THE question. What are you doing? How did you lose it? I told her I'm counting my calories and exercising. She was like, "Wow, I guess I better get off my duff." I told her she could do it with or without the band. Maybe she will. I hope so.

Have a fabulous Thursday everyone!

Progress to TouchDown and GOALLLL!!