This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Another Monday

Here I am and I survived the weekend, albeit not perfectly. I did much better yesterday.  I did eat 2 bite sized butterfingers. I did well otherwise yesterday and came in under my calorie goal. I did get all my water in and I did a TON of walking through our hilly neighborhood with the girls.  I chose not to weigh this morning. I have decided that my emotions are too up and down. I will wait a few days of being back on track and then I'll weigh. Today has been pretty good....for a Monday.

I completed my day well within the calories for the challenge and I drank more than enough water. Here's my food total:

breakfast: cheerios and milk=317cal
lunch: 5 tortilla chips with salsa, fajita meat chicken and beef, 1/2 tortilla=338cal
dinner: Chicken and dumplings left over from yesterday, watermelon=374 cal
snack: frozen yogurt=135cal
Total=1164 cal

I just want to say how inspired so many of you bloggers have made me over the holiday. So many of you set a goal to not eat candy and stuck to it. You should be proud of yourselves.  That's why I joined this community to see people just like me succeed in the hopes that I will get it through my thick skull that I can be successful, too. I have a real problem with " what's the point?" attitude sometimes. Reading how well all of you are doing shows me in words and pictures THERE is the point.

Note to self: This pity party is OVER.

I don't know why I have gained weight, but I do know what I can do about it. I can stop being all mopey and defeatist.  I can realized I am the only one stopping me. I can remind myself that I got down 42 pounds with very simple strategies. I can start working those strategies just like I've done before. AND I can stop fooling myself. I haven't done as much as I should. I haven't put in as much effort as I could.

If I don't believe in myself, who will?
If I don't make a change in my life, who will?
If I don't work on having a good attitude, who will?

No one can fix this for me. I can't wish this weight away. I am the only one who has the power to get where I want to go. And I MUST remember that ACHIEVING MY GOAL IS POSSIBLE.  I have to approach this just like I do and did every other goal in my life. WHY is it that the most important thing I can do, being healthy,  is the ONE thing I do the least?

My freshman year in college I got a C in calculus. That's right. I hate math and I'm not that great at it. I met with my guidance counselor that spring. When I told her that I planned to go to medical school, she told me I'd better make other plans. My grades weren't good enough. I'd better score very high on the MCAT. But, even then I might not get in.

I left there so angry. Who is SHE to tell me I can't do what I've planned my WHOLE life?  Who the hell is she? She's not even a professor.  She's basically a glorified secretary!  I was incensed with rage. I was more determined that EVER to show her she was wrong.

The thing is that I KNEW I was put on this earth to be a doctor. I've known it since the age of 9. I knew as well as I knew the sky was blue and snow is cold. I. Just. Knew. And nothing anyone ever told me was going to stop me. I BELIEVED that I had a calling and that belief carried me through challenges.  I knew that somehow, someway it would happen for me. No matter what it took.

Now remembering that, I find myself wondering why I don't have the same resolve to be healthy. I think part of it is that I have trouble believing I am capable of it. It doesn't come as naturally to me. But, just like math, I can learn it and I can succeed. I have to remember not to sell myself short.

I need to ask myself why I let that voice in my head tell me there is no use, you can't do it, you'll never be healthy and fit. If I wouldn't let my college counselor talk to me like that and persuade me from giving in on my goals, why do I let my own inner voice do it? Why do I so easily give in to doubt?

It's clear to me that maybe I don't want it as badly as I should.  Are you frickin kidding me? I don't want to be around to see my kids grow up and their kids grow up ENOUGH?  I don't want to see my son graduate from college? I don't want the pleasure of holding my great-grandchild for the first time? I don't want to have a healthy retirement so my husband and I can travel like we've always dreamed?  HELL yes I do!   

And that is what is at stake. LIVE or DIE. I have to remember that. LIVE OR DIE ONE CHOICE AT A TIME. That has to be my mantra. It is not optional. This is not something I can lose sight of so easily.   When you make it about buying new jeans or shopping for new clothes, the importance gets lost in the day to day chaos that is my life. This isn't about fashion. This isn't about vanity. This isn't about fitting in. I'm not some freakin 16 year old girl who just wants to be liked anymore.  I am A MOTHER, A WIFE, A DAUGHTER, A FRIEND. And I WANT TO LIVE.

I am 40 years old. I realize how unpredictable life can be. I realize there are no guarantees. That is why it is so important that I get healthy now. So I can LIVE my life on MY TERMS. Not on the terms set by my weight. Not with the limitations this weight puts on my life.

And so I will work on having the same resolve, the same determination for being healthy as I had about becoming a doctor. I will not forget the stakes in this game.

How about you?  How do you keep your eye on the prize? How do you stay focused when you are just plain tired of this battle?


  1. I love this post. I can feel your energy, your determination and you are right you have to prove that inner voice wrong just like you did with the guidance counselor. You should have no doubt that you can do this. Look how strong you are, you became a doctor even when others were telling you that you wouldn't make it. Use the negativity of your inner voice in a positive way, just like you did with the words your guidance counselor said. Prove your inner voice wrong. Take it one day at a time, one meal at a time. You can do this, I believe in you and I can feel it from your post just how much you want this. Don't let anyone or anything stand in your way.

  2. I'm really jealous that you know what you want to be NOW, let alone at 9 years old. My kid is 9 and wants to be a famous clarinet player. How many openings are there for that?

    Anyhow, It seems like a lot of us have been in a funk just lately. I am trying to pull myself out of mine currently. If I find my resolve I'll be sure to let you know how I did it, but I'm not quite there yet.

  3. Ah, I had my own little pity party last week. Too bad we weren't hanging out together:) I was then, and still am now, very tired of the battle. And I know I am not alone in this, seems to be really going around right now. I am struggling with focus so have no answer for you other than the fact that I just am not accepting giving up on myself.

  4. You can do it and you will do it! I hear it in your writing, you have what it takes to make the changes and improve your life!

    I wasted too many years worrying about what I was eating, how much I weighed and what diet I was going on next. That life was exhausting to say the least.

    I just want to continue to be healthy and wake up each morning with out any regrets about my choices from the day before. That is what motivates me to keep living healthy and being kind to my body.Health and peace of mind.

  5. Sorry about your Rangers. If only they'd have shown your determination!

  6. I have a few people in my life that complain about how things are messed up in their life and it usually involves things they have 100% complete control over like their weight. I know at times it seems like we all might not actually have the control but we do. It has taken me a long time to realize this. I keep telling these people that they are the only ones that have the power to change their life. Also, when I think I might want that extra helping of food or that candy or whatever, I stop and ask myself what I want more: A healthy lifestyle that will last a long time, or those few moments with that food? And when I hear myself making possible excuses, I also stop and ask myself "Is that something a fat person says?" And tell that inner doubtful voice inside to shut the hell up cuz you aren't gonna listen anymore!! Then maybe pimp slap it a few times just that it knows who is boss!!

  7. you nailed my mantra in fitness and in LIFE
    If I dont believe in me.
    who will.

    and when I dont.
    I fake it till I do.


  8. Doc, I decline to make this response about me, I want it to be about YOU! I have kept silent, I have watched you kinda dangle around in the wind, I have worried and bit my tongue. I am done with that. Today, starting the second you read this post, I want you to know I am very upset. I want the old Doc back and I want her right now! I used to just LOVE seeing your posts about the C25K workout you just finished, the weight workouts, the TKD that you just did and how you impressed the class because you were a big gal that made the whole workout, sweaty and tired but finished! You are an INSPIRATION when you are that Doc! You not only help you, you brighten the weight loss blog community up by a thousand watts. Is it unfortunate that you had a gall bladder issue, yes. But you are now over that. You are ready to pick right back up where you left off. You are not this Doc, you are THAT Doc. Please for the love of God, be THAT Doc again, I am begging you!

  9. I think this is a great post. I don't know WHY it has been so hard getting my focus back. I am going to write on a post it note and put it on my computer, THE PITY PARTY IS OVER. Thank you for this inspirational post!! :-)

  10. You can do it, girl. Because you're right -- the stakes are even higher than they were when you were trying to get into med school.

    For me, I've got something to prove... first to myself. And I'm doing it.

    Halloween went well. My sole goal was to not use it as an excuse to go over my calorie range, and I succeeded. The boys had a great candy haul, and have thus far mostly let their candy sit in favor of real food.

    Life is good :)

  11. Don't lose this momentum. You're right. Nobody's going to do this for you. You know you're a hard-headed, determined woman who can go out there and wrestle anything you want from the hands of the world. Want a wonderful family? Got it! Want to be a doctor? Got it! Want to live a long and healthy life? Go get it! Believe in yourself, and I believe in you too.

  12. Those last couple of paragraphs made me want to give you a standing ovation! So often we (especially as women, mom's, professionals) end up putting all the other stuff first when our health needs to be the priority. You are circling back to where you need to be. Our jouney is long and it does have bumps. As long as we get back up and keep moving then we are successful.

    When you have got it, you have got it!

  13. Damn, Doc! Sounds like your inner Drill-Sergeant is winning the mental war again, and about time too. No excuses, you know what needs to be done, you know you want it...now go do it. I know you can, but i'm glad to see that you know it again too.

    "LIVE OR DIE ONE CHOICE AT A TIME. "...abso-freakin-lutely! I love that quote (and i may just have to half-inch it for meself...lol).

    Me? How do i keep my eye on the prize? Well...i come to blogland and read about what other people are struggling with and the successes they've had, but most of all i try and remember that i have 2 arms and 2 legs that all work, a roof over my head and 3 square meals a day and that I should be grateful that i can walk or run, throw a ball or any of the millions of things our amazing bodies allow us to do, and just who the hell do i think i am to complain about choosing between a bag of M&M's or eating an Apple, when there are millions of people who are starving, homeless, malnourished (or all of the above) in the world....whew! That was my inner Drill-Sergeant coming to the surface.....grrrrr, glad you're head is clear and you are back in the fight Doc.

  14. First, sorry about the Rangers, I was pulling for them.

    Notes to self are the most meaningful, the most powerfil. You have declared the pity party is OVER, excellent! With renewed determination you are poised to set the goal(s) you desire for getting healthy, establish a plan for just how you are going to do so, and the execute your plan.

    Setting goals, rewarding myself, and blogging; that is how I keep my eye on the ball.


Progress to TouchDown and GOALLLL!!