Here I am and I survived the weekend, albeit not perfectly. I did much better yesterday. I did eat 2 bite sized butterfingers. I did well otherwise yesterday and came in under my calorie goal. I did get all my water in and I did a TON of walking through our hilly neighborhood with the girls. I chose not to weigh this morning. I have decided that my emotions are too up and down. I will wait a few days of being back on track and then I'll weigh. Today has been pretty good....for a Monday.
I completed my day well within the calories for the challenge and I drank more than enough water. Here's my food total:
breakfast: cheerios and milk=317cal
lunch: 5 tortilla chips with salsa, fajita meat chicken and beef, 1/2 tortilla=338cal
dinner: Chicken and dumplings left over from yesterday, watermelon=374 cal
snack: frozen yogurt=135cal
I just want to say how inspired so many of you bloggers have made me over the holiday. So many of you set a goal to not eat candy and stuck to it. You should be proud of yourselves. That's why I joined this community to see people just like me succeed in the hopes that I will get it through my thick skull that I can be successful, too. I have a real problem with " what's the point?" attitude sometimes. Reading how well all of you are doing shows me in words and pictures THERE is the point.
Note to self: This pity party is OVER.
I don't know why I have gained weight, but I do know what I can do about it. I can stop being all mopey and defeatist. I can realized I am the only one stopping me. I can remind myself that I got down 42 pounds with very simple strategies. I can start working those strategies just like I've done before. AND I can stop fooling myself. I haven't done as much as I should. I haven't put in as much effort as I could.
If I don't believe in myself, who will?
If I don't make a change in my life, who will?
If I don't work on having a good attitude, who will?
No one can fix this for me. I can't wish this weight away. I am the only one who has the power to get where I want to go. And I MUST remember that ACHIEVING MY GOAL IS POSSIBLE. I have to approach this just like I do and did every other goal in my life. WHY is it that the most important thing I can do, being healthy, is the ONE thing I do the least?
My freshman year in college I got a C in calculus. That's right. I hate math and I'm not that great at it. I met with my guidance counselor that spring. When I told her that I planned to go to medical school, she told me I'd better make other plans. My grades weren't good enough. I'd better score very high on the MCAT. But, even then I might not get in.
I left there so angry. Who is SHE to tell me I can't do what I've planned my WHOLE life? Who the hell is she? She's not even a professor. She's basically a glorified secretary! I was incensed with rage. I was more determined that EVER to show her she was wrong.
The thing is that I KNEW I was put on this earth to be a doctor. I've known it since the age of 9. I knew as well as I knew the sky was blue and snow is cold. I. Just. Knew. And nothing anyone ever told me was going to stop me. I BELIEVED that I had a calling and that belief carried me through challenges. I knew that somehow, someway it would happen for me. No matter what it took.
Now remembering that, I find myself wondering why I don't have the same resolve to be healthy. I think part of it is that I have trouble believing I am capable of it. It doesn't come as naturally to me. But, just like math, I can learn it and I can succeed. I have to remember not to sell myself short.
I need to ask myself why I let that voice in my head tell me there is no use, you can't do it, you'll never be healthy and fit. If I wouldn't let my college counselor talk to me like that and persuade me from giving in on my goals, why do I let my own inner voice do it? Why do I so easily give in to doubt?
It's clear to me that maybe I don't want it as badly as I should. Are you frickin kidding me? I don't want to be around to see my kids grow up and their kids grow up ENOUGH? I don't want to see my son graduate from college? I don't want the pleasure of holding my great-grandchild for the first time? I don't want to have a healthy retirement so my husband and I can travel like we've always dreamed? HELL yes I do!
And that is what is at stake. LIVE or DIE. I have to remember that. LIVE OR DIE ONE CHOICE AT A TIME. That has to be my mantra. It is not optional. This is not something I can lose sight of so easily. When you make it about buying new jeans or shopping for new clothes, the importance gets lost in the day to day chaos that is my life. This isn't about fashion. This isn't about vanity. This isn't about fitting in. I'm not some freakin 16 year old girl who just wants to be liked anymore. I am A MOTHER, A WIFE, A DAUGHTER, A FRIEND. And I WANT TO LIVE.
I am 40 years old. I realize how unpredictable life can be. I realize there are no guarantees. That is why it is so important that I get healthy now. So I can LIVE my life on MY TERMS. Not on the terms set by my weight. Not with the limitations this weight puts on my life.
And so I will work on having the same resolve, the same determination for being healthy as I had about becoming a doctor. I will not forget the stakes in this game.
How about you? How do you keep your eye on the prize? How do you stay focused when you are just plain tired of this battle?