Thirteen years ago today, my beautiful umm....I mean HANDSOME baby boy was born. I remember being pregnant. I loved being pregnant. Why? Was it knowing my baby was growing inside me? Yes. But...it was also knowing that I was fat for a reason. That's right. I could walk into a restaurant and order what I wanted without worrying about skinny-chick waitress thinking badly of me.
I could walk down the street with my gut hanging out and not care one bit. I could have my picture taken, belly showing even, with no guilt at all. I could wear clothes that made me look fat and not worry. In fact, I preferred clothes that showed my belly obviously. That way people would think I was fat because I was pregnant. I wasn't of course. I was a fat person who happened to be pregnant. Yes, these are things I thought about when I was pregnant. How sick and twisted were these thoughts?
Now I realize that I am happy with myself because I am ME. No one else is like me. I am special. I am brave. I am intelligent. I am good at my job. I am funny and I am well liked. AND I am a great wife and mother. BUT, being happy with myself doesn't mean that I don't need to lose weight and want to be healthier, look better. For a long time, that's how it was for me. If I started down the road of thinking I needed to lose weight, I got depressed. Now I know that is because I wanted to be thin. I wanted to look like everyone else. BUT, I wasn't doing anything to make it happen.
Now....I just want to look like me. A healthier me. And I am doing what I should. I am exercising. I am eating right. I am losing weight. And I am finally proud of myself. One of the reasons I am proud is that I am teaching my children to be healthy and happy with their bodies. I am teaching them all the things that I didn't know as a kid. At least, I am trying to.
My son is entering a critical time. His teen years. He is so far ahead of where I was at his age. He is an easy going kid. He makes friends easily. He's one of these kids who just doesn't worry about what others think. He's smart and school comes easily for him with the exception of writing. I am so very proud of him. Part of me is terrified at what the next few years will bring. The rest is just excited and curious. He has his Mom's sense of humor and his Dad's incredible brain for math. He is a great conversationalist. He is really a joy to be around.
Today I am a little sad to lose my baby boy. But, I am also very excited to see the young man evolve. Deep voice and body hair and love of classic rock music and *gulp* growing interest in girls which has led to a growing interest in his hair and clothes and cologne. Texting and you-tube and computer games, PS 3 and Xbox and Ipod, the constant growth in his ear. Emerging sports fan, addicted to good books, fan of "guy" movies, french horn player. But, still my silly boy who laughs at silly jokes and fart noises. I love you, little man. I am so proud of you.