This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

What Would You Do?

I saw a patient in my office today who posed a puzzle for me. She is a very nice lady. I've been seeing her for a while. She is obese. She's been that way since I've met her. She has diabetes and hypertension. She is in her mid 40s. She is married to a man who is also my patient.

Every time I see her she talks about wanting to lose weight. She talks about how she knows she needs to lose weight. How she knows she needs to follow her diabetic diet and the health risks of not following it. She has talked about getting the surgery, but she doesn't have the money for her large deductible. She has tried WW, Jenny Craig....well, you know what she's tried. We've all tried it. I've treated her for depression for a long time.

Today, she's very upset. She's tearful. She's so so sad. She says she must lose weight and lose it fast. She says it is affecting her life and she just feels like she can't lose weight by herself. She needs medicine or SOMETHING that will help her.  I listen for a while about her job and the stress and how hard it is to exercise or eat right.

Then I ask her why she's so upset today. Why is she so depressed?  Then she hits me with it. Her husband has told her that unless she loses the weight, he feels like he has no choice but to leave her. He's told her that he loves her so much he can't stand to see her die early.  He has harped on her for years. He complains about her weight. She loves him and doesn't want him to leave, but she is so frustrated and hopeless with the whole weight thing.

Here's the deal. He's also my patient and he is also overweight. Not horribly, but he has a gut and he takes BP pills. He doesn't exercise. He eats crap and he expects her to cook it for him, always has. When she's tried to eat and cook healthy stuff, he doesn't like it and won't eat it. They eat out quite a lot because he wants to and always at places that aren't the healthiest.  But, he does seem to be a pretty good guy.

She says they are otherwise happy. He is so good to her and he's a good father to their 2 kids.  She says they don't fight about anything else but her weight. She says she knows he is right and says she'll do anything to lose weight so he won't leave her.

Part of me wanted to say he was a jerk and she'd be better off without him. But, they have kids and they're married. You hate to say throw all that away.  Maybe he was genuinely concerned about her health. Maybe he is using the weight as an excuse to leave her. Maybe he's unhappy with his own weight issues and is projecting on to her. Maybe there are other issues she's not telling me.

I do know this.  Anyone that would end a relationship based on the other person not loosing weight and hold that over their head as a threat has issues.  I told her this wasn't a healthy environment for their relationship. I told her that I agreed she needed to lose weight and I am happy to help her do that, but there is no magic pill. I offered to refer her to a surgeon if she wanted, but I expressed to her that I was very concerned about her making a big decision about surgery while she was under this much emotional stress and pretty much being forced into it by her spouse.

We talked about calorie counting and exercise. She gave me a lot of "excuse talk", but I'm hoping I got through to her that she has to start somewhere. I told her I know it's hard and shared about my weight loss. Then I told her I wanted her and her husband to go to counseling. She didn't think he would. I said he might surprise her and that if not, I wanted her to go alone. She agreed and seemed calmer with a plan of what to do.

I've been thinking about this all day.  Is it fair to hold someone hostage if they don't lose weight?   Is it fair to threaten someone if they don't lose weight?  Is it fair to our spouses and family if we say over and over we'll get healthy and we don't?  What do you do when you know someone is hurting themselves by not losing weight and just won't do what needs to be done?  What do you do when you're trying to lose weight, but your spouse sabotages you by eating and buying bad stuff?

My husband needs to lose weight and he is saying he wants to and get healthy. But, he hasn't really started. He doesn't track although I showed him the program and loaded it on his phone. He doesn't work out and when I try to get him to he won't.  But, he's supportive of me and my efforts. I don't say things to him about the way he eats at times. I don't get mad or nag him about his weight. I try to be positive and lead by example.  He is coming around as he sees my success.  I would never threaten my husband to leave if he didn't lose weight. When you really love someone you love everything about them, even their faults.Doesn't mean you have to like it.  Doesn't mean you have to put up with them trying to de-rail you on purpose.

So what do you think of this scenario? Do you have conflicts with your spouse or partner about weight, diet or exercise? 

Thursday. Well....crap

So last night I got home from the long ass meeting and I was hungry. I ate 3 pieces of cheese and 2 wheat pitas, some grapes and 20 gold fish crackers. What can I say?  There are only certain things I can eat right now. I had trouble going to sleep. Two little girls in the bed, tossing and turning plus stress and keyed up from the meeting left the Sandman unavailable I guess. Add the pain. The pain was so bad last night after sitting in those uncomfortable chairs. Crap.

Woke up this morning tired, but at least I got up on time. Lots of pain this morning. Lots. Ate some cereal and made it worse. Crap.  My 4 year old had a fever. Crap. I called the Nanny so she would come early since I couldn't take her to school. Coffee pot is broken. Crap. I'll just repeat that. Coffee. Pot. Broken. No coffee for me for 3 days and I am not happy. Husband better either fix it or replace it before Monday or he'll be in TROUBLE.

My medical assistant's son had an infected knee and had to have surgery yesterday. Crap. So I've been working with fill-in girl for last few days. She's nice and tries hard but she's not used to me and how fast I move and what I want.  So, work has been a real chore the last few days.  But at least he's ok.

I forgot the snacks I packed this morning.  Crap. No snack. Oh no. But, MIRACLE OF MIRACLES.  A drup rep brought in a veggie tray. YEAH!  How nice for a change. So I've got a snack now at least.  It's end of month and that means I have to get everything that got behind yesterday due to the various meeting done today.  I'll be working through lunch.

At least it's Thursday. There's a good college game on tonight and my husband should be home this evening.  And of course, tomorrow is Friday. Yeah.

That's all for now. See ya later.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Another Done Day. Finally.

Long long day today.  Work. Meeting. Work. Meeting. Didn't get home until just now and the only reason I'm posting this is because I agreed to Allan's twice a day challenge and I'll be damned if I don't follow through.  Unbelieveably stressful and chaotic week on so many fronts and it is wearing on me. 

BUT, I will not be defeated. I AM AN ASS KICKER, not someone who lets the world kick my ass.   I AM STRONG and I AM CAPABLE. And I will not forget that. AND TODAY, I kicked the ass of the following temptations:

1) Cupcakes. Beautiful fresh cupcakes brought in from the new and trendy cupcake place. I DID NOT touch them.  I did not sniff them. I did not even reach in the box an swipe off that glob of fallen icing that was just sitting there calling me name. NO. I didn't.

2) Luncheon meeting, free food and the choice of menus at the new gourmet burger joint.  I chose the salmon patty salad and it was YUMMY!  I didn't choose the bacon swiss mushroom burger with chipotle sauce and onion rings that also sounded tasty, but a little like death on a plate. Instead I picked a meal of around 220 calories and I was satisfied and full with none of the OH MY GOD I need to unbutton my pants feeling of the past.

3)Red velvet cake brought in by drug rep JUST as the mid afternoon hunger was hitting. OH NO YOU DIDN'T!  No I didn't. I sat at my desk and ate my watermelon fresh from my garden that I brought instead.

4)  The no time to eat before the meeting drive thru opportunity at various  fast food joints. In the past this would have been my favorite.  I could drive thru with little guilt since I literally drove from my office to the meeting.  AND I was alone and could've eaten whatever I wanted without anyone knowing. Secret binging was my favorite. If no one sees you eat it, it doesn't count, right?  BUT NOT TODAY!  I ate my homemade oatmeal 120 cal muffin instead.

5) The meeting dinner food buffet of sandwiches, fruit, cookies, brownies and such. Now when I first arrived, I'd just had my muffin. I wasn't that hungry. I grabbed some fruit-fresh pineapple, grapes, apples, melons. YUM!  I was happy.  But as the meeting wore on and 1 hour turned to three, those cookies sure were calling my name. PLUS some jackhole decides to bring them over and place them under my nose in the center of the conference table. ACK!  The smell of fresh baked double chocolate chip was wafting up from me on their lonely little platter the whole time. AND I had calories in my bank. AFTER ALL I DIDN'T EAT A "REAL" DINNER, right?  And, did I cave. NO I DID NOT.  Why?  Is it because 1 cookie is bad? No.  Is it because I'm afraid of a cookie? No. It's because I KNOW MYSELF.  Eating that cookie tonight leads to, "Well, just ONE bite won't matter" tomorrow. SO KISS IT COOKIE PLATTER.  I don't even care that cookies were still there and MAY be thrown away.  GOOD BYE transfat carb overload sugar high inducing sugar addict making piece of shit. Hit the can.

One more day ending victorious! Score card: Me 1 and Evil Food Temptations from Hell THE BIG ZERO!

Have you faced any temptations lately?  How did you fare?  What was the tally on your score card?

Wednesday and I don't want to weigh.

I am so discouraged. I am frustrated and I don't feel good. I am tired of feeling this way.  At least I have only a week until the surgery and I can get on with my life. I ate well yesterday. I was under budget. I gained a pound. It is soooo frustrating for me. Maybe my body is holding on to all the calories since I am sick?  I don't know but I'm frustrated. 

For me right now the mental game is hard to play.  There is that nagging voice in me that is screaming that there is no use and I should just eat what I want. I should just put this whole thing on hold for a while until I feel better. But, I don't want to gain any more weight. I worked so hard to get where I am.  With every pound I think, another week farther from my goal.  And with every thought like that, the seeds of doubt are planted that I'll never make it to goal anyway.

I want to run.  There is a part of me that feels like there is an alien in me. It is so foreign to have these thoughts. I want to run. I want to lift weights. I want my elliptical.  WHAT?  A few months ago this never even entered my mind. I've never pined for exercise. In fact I've done everything I could to avoid it. But, here I am wishing for it. Wanting it. Craving it. More than a pizza. More than ice cream. More than chocolate. More than peanut butter cookies hot from the oven with an ice cold glass of milk which is my absolute favorite thing in the whole wide world. Or at least it used to be.


So.  I guess that change your brain crap I've been preaching is real. I guess I've found my NSV for today. I needed one. Badly.

Today I will move forward and past the disappointment on the scale. I have a lunch meeting and a meeting after work. I will focus on my work and drink my water. I will go home and deal with kids and homework and dishes and all the other Mommy stuff. I will eat when I should and choose the right things. And that will be enough for me for today. It has to be.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Advice from a Bear

Live Large.
Climb beyond your Limitations.
When life gets hairy, grin and bear it.
Eat well.
Live with the seasons.
Take a good long nap.
Look after your honey!

I found this on a postcard this summer while in Colorado. It is by a poet named Ilan Shamir.  I found this to be cute and also something I could apply to my journey to fitness which I had only just started. I started my blog just before that trip in July. It 's amazing to me how much sharing my thoughts with all of you has helped me to THINK more thoughts worth sharing.  Now I look for wisdom in places I never would have before. I think about how things relate to my quest for health both inside and out. 

This poem spoke to me because before this life change, I would have chuckled at the "fat person" humor hidden here. But now, I see so much more.  

Live large no longer means, enjoy how fat you are. Love yourself at your fat size. Now, it means, live life to the fullest.  FILL your life with things and people you love.  Make living your life an ACTIVE instead of PASSIVE activity.

Climb beyond your limitations is not something you just SAY and philosophize about, it's something you DO, every day.  You learn new things, do new things, and push your body and thoughts beyond where you never thought you could. Like me with the push ups and chin ups and RUNNING?  Never would have thought to do those things before. And don't forget Tae Kwon Do.

Before, when life got hairy, I got hungry. Eat when I'm stressed. Eat when I'm sad. Eat when I'm disappointed. Eat when I'm angry. Eat when I'm......well, just eat, eat, eat.  Eating always makes you forget, right? Until the next day and I'm fatter and more miserable. So then what? The cycle starts ALL over again. NOT anymore. NOW, Grin and bear it means, GRIN and bear it. There will be times when things are hard, but a good attitude and a smile, go a long way to helping you through it. You don't need any food to get through those times. All you need is a smile and patience.

Eat well would have meant pig out whenever you want before. Eat the whole pizza and bread sticks and don't forget dessert. NOW, it means EAT WELL.  Eat good things that are good for me.  Avoid unhealthy choices. Eat to BE well.

Live with the seasons now means, GET OUT and see the world. Enjoy each season and the healthy foods and activities each one brings. Enjoy the change in the feel of the air. See the trees and flowers and the go by as I'm jogging or riding my bike. EAT in season fruits and veggies. LIVE in the NOW.

Take a good long nap DOESN'T mean lounge around after the huge binge and before the football games start anymore. It means, SLEEP is important to your body. It's another form of fuel your body and brain need. You have to REST body and spirit sometimes.  Respect your sleep and make sure it is quality.  The weeks I sleep more and better, I LOSE more weight. All that crap on the news has roots in fact after all.

Look after your honey is NOT referring to ACTUAL honey or chocolate or whatever other treat I plan to hoard and hide from anyone else in the house. YES I've done it. I've hidden cookies and candies and shit, there's a chance I still have other such trash stashed somewhere. NO. Look after your honey means, take care of those around you. Yes, my husband, but my friends and family and my blogosphere friends also.  Making the most of your life means taking care of each other.

And so, I took that slightly amusing postcard with the Fat person humor and turned it into well...inspiration. Why? Because suddenly I am an expert or literary genius or maybe I just enjoy lecturing all you people. NO. Because my body is changed, my BRAIN is changed and I see the world a WHOLE new way because this is a LIFE change.  And it is for REAL.

What about you? Are you changing your brain AND your body? Or are you still in your old thinking playing those same thought games with yourself? "When I'm skinny I'll eat what I want." or "If I weigh what she does, I can eat those cookies, too." or "I'll just eat ONE candy bar." or "Today is my free day, I'm giving myself a break from the program."

Make sure you are working on your BRAIN and your body. Without that long term success will be hard to come by.

Good Morning Tuesday ??

Well, I didn't sleep great. I kept having this dream that I was being poked in my side with a big metal spring from our mattress and I was super pissed because I've been telling my husband that we needed a new bed. We had an argument about it in my dream. Then I woke up and realized that it wasn't the bed at all, but my gallbladder. I rolled over. No more dream. Hee hee. Too funny.

Kids off to school but not without difficulty this morning. Little one was on the floor. Nothing made her happy this morning. So I did it. Yes I did it. I offered her a mint. We have these little peppermints with chocolate inside from last Christmas. I gave her one. Suddenly she was happy. I know. I know. I taught her to feed her frustration. But, it's just a mint, right? I mean, everyone needs good breath, right? Ugh. Sometimes being a mom is hard.

I just couldn't stand one more minute of her lying in the floor crying because her socks weren't right or her shoes weren't right or she wants straight hair like Barbie. For goodness sake, NO ONE's hair is straight like Barbie's, is it?  Especially when your Mom and Dad BOTH have curly hair. One recessive gene + one recessive gene = CURLY HAIR.  I didn't make it that way.  But when you're 4 you just don't get it.  I even tried the, "God made you with curly hair and he thinks you are perfect so if you don't like your hair you'll have to tell God."  Well, I got back, "FINE! I WILL.  I'LL tell him and HE'LL make my hair straighter because HE LOVES ME!"   Now do you see why I used the mint distraction?

Food wise I did OK yesterday. I was under my calories despite the carb heavy menu. I weighed the same this am, but I think that might mean I'll be down a little tomorrow since we ate so late. I feel like I'm down a little.  I just hate not exercising.  It is soooo much harder for me to lose weight without the exercise. I am still tracking my calories and I've been over at times, but not by much. It's a lot harder to stay under the budget without the exercise.  I'm feeling not too bad this morning. I had yogurt and a muffin for breakfast. And water. I plan going home at lunch. Maybe I'll try the bike if I still feel OK.

Let me be a lesson to all of you.  If you THINK you can LOSE without EXERCISE you are WRONG.  Maybe for a while. Maybe at first. But not to GOAL.  You're FOOLING yourself if you think EXERCISE isn't IMPORTANT.  If you don't believe me TRY IT.  Exercise EVERYDAY for 2 weeks.  COMPARE your losses with and without. See which one is more.  I'll BET you that you lose nearly TWICE the WEIGHT.  Ask ALLAN about MATH.  He'll tell you.  The more you  BURN the more you lose.  The LESS you EAT the more you LOSE. The people who are SUCCESSFUL do BOTH watching the DIET and EXERCISE.  ASK any of them.  They'll tell you.  Ask Jack or Sean or Christine or Shelley or Trish or Chris or ANY of the weight loss success stories. The FACTs don't lie. EXERCISE WORKS.  Now go and make it work FOR YOU! 

You have to be CONSISTENT.  You have to eat RIGHT and EXERCISE all the time. That should be your GOAL.  Yes you'll make mistakes. But your GOAL should be to DO IT EVERYDAY AND DO IT RIGHT.  With that as your goal, mistakes are less and SUCCESS is MORE!


Monday, September 27, 2010

Monday Even....yawn

Finally got home. What a long ASS day!  Worked until after 5. Ran home, picked up the girls. Went to son's FB game.  Ran from there to Boy Scouts while little dude changed into his uniform in the car. Then 1.5hr later through the ceremonies.  Drive thru (I HATE THAT) on the way home and now here getting ready for bed. Soooo tired.  Soooo hungry.  Soooo not feeeling good.

But, I'm proud of my little DUDE.  He advanced to First Class rank and earned 10 different merit badges. He's doing so well. AND he's patrol leader this year so he has to plan all the trips and things. He's done such a great job.  Now he's trying to get his homework done at 9:30pm and he's beat and his broken arm is hurting. Shhhh! Don't tell, but I did part of it for him.  Before you lecture me, know that the homework I did was a word search. How is that homework? And he's so tired, poor thing.

I ate 4 pieces of light wheat toast and a few crackers. Very balance meal. So I've had, toast, crackers and some bean soup today and a couple of bites of canned peaches. Noting green. Sigh. I wanted to, but it makes me nauseated. I didn't exercise unless you count the walk from the car to the football field and back which was a couple blocks. Also, it was a lot of work sitting in my seat at the game and at the boy Scout meeting. Does that count?  It was work considering the amount of pain I was in.

Now I'm going to take some meds and go to bed. Yawn. Sooo tired. I'm throwing the girls in my bed and we're going to sleep. Right. Now. Goodnight!

Monday Do-Overs

So I was reading blogs as I am often doing and stumbled across this winner from Anonymous Fat Girl.  It reminded me that we all have days where we feel like we've been hit by a truck.  I'm not the only one with issues and I need to quit being a whiny bitch.  This will be my new mantra for the day so that I can remind myself that playing this "Poor Little Me" game means I will never win. And I REFUSE to let that happen.

Dear Self,
Please let me win. Let me move on and move forward in a smart manner. Give me the strength I need to beat down all of the adversity that is still yet to come. If I experience periodic moments of sanity loss, let me make it through the other side okay. Remind me that I know what I have to do, because tomorrow the sun WILL rise. Most of all, when I get hit by that Mack truck again (and it WILL happen), tell me to quit whining like a bitch and get up.
Love, Me

Stupid Monday

I hate Mondays. I just do. It's all that much worse when I feel bad and I do feel bad.  At this point, I'm just going to try to make it to lunch. A lot of you asked why I wasn't getting the surgery sooner.  Well, my husband has this huge national meeting for his job and he's giving a couple of presentations. So, it's not something he could easily postpone or reschedule. So me and my gallbladder will have to find a way to live together another week. Yippee.

I had 2 goals yesterday.  One to rest and the other not to throw up.  I met one of those goals anyway.  I tried to walk a little and it didn't work out.  I took the girls to their party and had to leave considering I was in a lot of pain. Oh well. Daddy picked them up for me.  At least my Cowboys won and looked like an actual football team again. Thank goodness.

Tonight my son has a football game at 5:30pm and Boy Scouts Court of Honor at 7pm.  It's gonna be a busy week with Daddy gone. My BFF is coming to town next weekend to hang out and bring me some clothes that don't fit her anymore. She's lost about 20 pounds now. That gives me something to look forward to.

I hope all of you are staying on track and working out. I had to cancel with my trainer today as I'm pretty sure I'd be puking if I tried to do 1/2 our usual workout. So instead, home for me at lunch and a nap if I'm lucky. At this point I'm sick of food. I ate toast, crackers and soup yesterday. That was it. Oh, and sprite. Not a very well rounded diet.

Oh, and I didn't post twice yesterday. I was in bed all day and I forgot. So, I guess I screwed up that challenge. Sorry, Allan.

Everyone post something uplifting and let me know how well things are going for you.  I'll live vicariously through you for now.  Have a good Monday!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Sunday morning

Well, I don't feel too hot today. Having a lot of pain. Toast for breakfast and water. Still having pain. I'm pretty tired today, not sure why since I slept pretty well, but I was up several times with belly pain.

Plan for today: lay in bed, try not to throw up.  Seems pretty simple. The girls have a birthday party later so I'll have to get them dropped off to that later. other than that, no plans.

Right now I'm watching my Cowboys get ready to be 0-3.  Penalties are killing this team. AND since when can a field goal kicker not at least TRY for 42 yards? Absolutely embarrassing. We're so screwed. but, my Sooners eeked out a win in Cincinnati last night. Gotta say those fans are something else. It was quite the hostile environment. Good practice for next week. THE BIG GAME.  Hopefully we can win this year. Texas looks pretty bad.  That display they put on yesterday brought tears of joy to my eyes. Snicker.

Back up the pound from yesterday. Just sodium and all that because I have not eaten that many calories. NOt worried with it now. Just trying to survive. Husband leaves tomorrow for a week and I'll be single mommy next week. So today, a day of rest to get ready.  Hope you all have a good Sunday.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

HOLY COW! I measured.

Had a great time at the Greek Festival today. The kids had a blast listening to the music, and dancing and eating Greek Food.  My little one thought everyone was saying "Hola" instead of "Opah" so we had to explain the difference. 

Sorry about my iPhone posts. I just haven't quite figured that out very well. It seems kinda like it's not too great a way to post.  Oh well.

I am busy watching football, but our game isn't until 5:00pm so I'm good. I hope Arkansas can beat Alabama and maybe the hated Horn will be slayed by UCLA.  I love football. And now that my stomach hurts from eating the yummy Greek Food, I think I'll spend the rest of the day in bed watching it.

The big news is that I measured.  Since 6/10, I have lost 39.5 inches total!  Can you believe it?  Oh how I wish I could find my original measurements. They got lost in the move. That was before I was smart enough to type it into my phone.  I remember my Bust, waist and hips, but not the rest.  Oh well.  Here's how my loss breaks out:
Bust: 2 inches
Chest: 3.5 inches
Waist: 5 inches
Hips: 5.5 inches
Arms: Right 4 inches
          Left  4.5 inches
Thigh: Right 4inches
          Left 6 inches
Calf: Right 2.5 inches
         Left 2.5 inches

I'm pretty pleased with these numbers. I mean, this is since 6/10/10 so I think this is awesome progress.  If you haven't measured, please make sure you do.  It's fun to change clothes sizes, but it is so cool to see your body shrink in an objective way.

I guess I'll catch up on reading some blogs now while I'm enjoying my football.  Have a great Saturday everyone!
6 post more later. Stay tuned! I have new measurements!
6 re at the Greek Food festival. I ate hummus, dolmas, and salad and 1/2 a pita. Not too bad I'd say. The kids are enjoying the crafts and music. I'll
6 I shared a brownie with my husband. I didn't get my favorite martini because I didn't want to get sick. I did ok with such a low fat meal.

Today we'

6 Well we had a great time last night. The movie was phenomenal. I loved it! I had the best grilled asparagus I've ever tasted and a house salad. Then

Friday, September 24, 2010

Friday Night!

Well, my work is done. I went home at lunch and had bean soup, a little salad and a sprite. I laid down and took a quicky nap. I feel lots better this afternoon. So glad since we actual have grown up activities planned for tonight. My nanny will be watching the kids for us so my husband and I can take his BFF out to the fancy schmancy movie theater. We will be seeing The Town which I'm dying to see as it looks so great.  We will have dinner there and I'll figure something healthy out. They have a great salad. I will likely avoid the drinks even though their bar is awesome, but I don't want to be in the BR puking and not enjoying the movie. This is a rare treat to have a night out and I'm going to enjoy it, pain and all, damn it. 

My son has a dance tonight and he's excited as the little chicky he likes is going and asked if he'd be there. NOT an official date, etc, but he is happy. He's such a cutie. OMG I'm not ready! Time moves so fast. He is losing his little boy looks and looks more and more like a little man every day. Sniff. Sniff.

I'll let you know how the movie goes. What's your plan for tonight and the weekend?  Anything fun? Exciting? Healthy? Tomorrow if I still feel good, I'm getting my booty on my bike. I'm dying to get some exercise going again.  Have a great night!!

Friday Full of Thanks.

Last night I went home and had bean soup with some salad. I really needed to find low fat protein. It tasted yummy and was healthy. I still had pain and nausea, but at least I enjoyed my food.  I was full and didn't need snacks and I didn't crave carbs. I woke up very thirty and nauseated. I know I've been behind on my water so a goal for today is to try to catch up. I think it will help my overall energy level. I weighed this morning and I'm back down a pound. Just one more to be back where I was a week ago.

Today instead of talking about my problems, I've decided to focus on some things I'm thankful for.

I am thankful for:

1. The giggles of my children:  I am so lucky to have 3 healthy, happy kids who stress me out and irritate me, but most of all who fill my life with joy and laughter. We watched the new Tinkerbell DVD last night and we all enjoyed it a lot. It took my mind off my stress just to sit and laugh with them.

2.  A caring husband:  He has been supportive and understanding. I haven't felt like talking with him or doing much of anything. He's pitched in and helped, but most of all he's been reassuring and encouraging. He offered to cancel his big trip next week to be home with me. He is worried about me and comforts me, waits on me. He is wonderful.

3.  My second Mom:  She's been my Mom's best friend for the last umm...36 years.  She helped raise me when Mom worked 2 jobs and later when mom had to travel for her job. She has no kids of her own so I am truly like her daughter in every since. Some things I learned from her that are invaluable and my own Mom couldn't teach me because of her own issues.  She is always there when I call and ask for help.  When I called to tell her about the surgery, I didn't even have to ask. She just said, "When should I be there?"

4.  My Nanny:  She's really more like a member of our family by now. She's been with us since August of 2002.  She is so wonderful with the kids. She takes care of the house and does the laundry.  All of which I appreciate immensely.  She cooks meals when she can and runs my kids all over town.  Of course I pay her to do all those things. It's the things she does that she doesn't have to do. Like bring me soup when I'm sick or fix me a cup of tea.  Teach me Italian words and speak it with me. Give me hugs. Ask to watch the kids so we can see a movie tonight and I can get my mind off feeling bad.  People always ask how I found her and I always tell them "God".  She was the first person we interviewed from the agency all those years ago.

5. Sharing my love of reading with my son: He's really turned into a little bookworm.  Now that he's old enough for us to read the same sorts of books it is a lot of fun.  Just this morning we had a little argument about who was going to get to read the new Vlad book first. (It's a book about a teenage boy vampire).

6.  My home:  We were fortunate to find our home and move in a little over a year ago. It really was a dream come true to be able to afford a large house with plenty of room in the backyard and a pool.  We have been working on the yard and enjoyed our little garden this year. I'll be harvesting the last few watermelons over the next week or so. It truly is a sanctuary and I love going home.

7.  The new frozen yogurt place:  I know it seems silly compared to all the above, but I am really thankful I found this new yogurt bar place. Losing weight is hard and finding healthy things you love as treats is important for my long term success. Since I love ice cream, this place has helped so much. With a cup of yogurt at 220 calories and the healthy toppings like blueberries, blackberries and almonds, I can splurge without the guilt. Usually when I do I use the treat as my lunch meal. I love it and it is low fat, no sugar added. Yummy.

8. My iPhone:  Again a silly one, but I'm trying to find things outside the usual.  My iPhone really helped make such a difference to me on the journey to fitness. With the different apps: LoseIt for tracking my food, couch to 5K, nike plus,  200situps, 100 push ups, google reader and gmail,  I am constantly connected to my new healhty living lifestyle. I can record my food, exercise, blog or read blogs, send you guys an email, ANYthing I need to stay on track. I love it and couldn't live without it.

9. My back porch:  I know this probably is just an extension of the one about my home, but I love our back porch. It's a long porch across the whole back of the house which includes our bedroom. It overlooks the pool and yard. The house sits on a hill and we back up to a green area with walking trails and pond. On these cooler fall evenings it is really an awesome place to sit and relax and reflect while the kids play down the hill on the swing set. My husband and his BFF sat outside drinking beers and laughing until midnight. At first I was annoyed as I was tired and didn't feel great, then I realized how great it was to lay there listening to my happy husband and he and his friend debated football and video games and politics and whatever else a couple of geeks talk about. The porch just provides the perfect place for all that good stuff.

10. My bloggy buddies:  I know I say this all the time, but I am really thankful for my blogosphere friends. It's amazing to me how many new friends I have that I've never even met. You probably know more about me than many other people in my "real life" and I appreciate you all.  It helps so much knowing you are out there checking on me and listening to me and keeping me on track.

So now that I've composed my list, maybe each of you should do the same?  Sometimes it's so easy to focus on what is going wrong that we forget what is going right. I'm thinking I may make this a weekly ritual for me as I have such a tendency to live in the land of the negatives.

I hope all of you have a super Friday. See you later for part 2.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Going Under the Knife.

Well, it's official. I'm having surgery 2 weeks from today to get my stone ridden gallbladder removed. Yippee.  We had to wait until then because my husband is out of town all next week at a big conference where he's giving a presentation.  I wanted a Thursday to help decrease the amount of time off work.  With flu season here (we had our first positive test today)  I am getting busier and busier.  This way I'll miss Thursday and Friday and Monday and hopefully be back Tuesday with a light schedule.

I do not want to do this. I do not.  I wish it would just stop, but I'm pretty sure it won't. It sucks.  Sometimes being a doctor and knowing all the bad things that MIGHT go wrong is a very very bad thing.  But, I know my surgeon very well, we've worked together for years and he's one of the best at lap procedures in the area.

He's got to check with my ENT since I haven't had my airway checked in 7-8 months. He is worried that it could be a difficult intubation and getting a tube in me could be hard. It might. The first time I had the ablation they had to use the smallest pediatric tube because my airway was so narrowed.  Soooo...belly surgeon will check with throat surgeon and let me know if we need to do anything before surgery. So excited because that probably means I need another layrngoscope where they go through my nose and look down into my throat. It doesn't take long, but I've had so many I hate it now.  I'll do what I have to do though.

I got back from my appointment and started coordinating schedules with my NP and staff. We're getting it worked out and I'll have the office covered. I then called my "second mom"  who said she'd be available to help out with kids and such. Now it's just a matter of waiting for the big day and trying not to gain too much weight and managing the pain.

Today I ate cheerios for breakfast. Lean cuisine fish for lunch.  I don't know what dinner will be but it will likely be toast or soup. It WON'T be steak which is what I want.  I was so nervous before my doctor's appointment my BP was high. It's NEVER high. Plus they used a regular sized cuff. DUH.

But......I had a slip.  I must confess.  I ate my lunch. I was nervous. There were cookies. I was alone in the office. No one was around. I ate one. I'm so disappointed in myself.  You all know that is not something I do. Not usually ever and I wasn't even going to admit it to you all because I'm annoyed with myself. But, hiding it only hurts me as that is giving in to old behaviors. I think part of it is that I can't eat anything without pain. Nothing tastes good. I was nauseated and I was just looking for something to taste good and soothe my nerves. Also, I haven't been able to eat my fruit and yummy veggies and so I haven't been packing snacks.  I know better! Geez Louise! I thought I was past that shit.

I guess the only bright side is that I enjoyed the cookie. I realized immediately what I had done. It did taste good, but I didn't go looking for more. I left all the rest of the cookies there on the platter. I didn't eat the potato chips. I didn't binge and I could have. So, I have learned some control, right?

I'm just so afraid that this will lead to some downward spiral of me giving up and quitting. I don't want to quit.  I've come so far. I just worry because after my first throat surgery, I got really motivated, joined the gym, lost about 25 pounds. Then when it came back and I had to go on the steroids again and have another surgery, I just kinda gave up because the weight all came back.  I know this is different, but I'm worried. I guess being aware of the possibility gives me the control and can help me get back on track as soon as I can.

It's just so frustrating because I know that  my running and other exercise ability is going to take a step backward.  It's going to be hard trying to get back to where I am. And I won't be able to run the 5K I had planed for next weekend. So disappointing.  I might try the bike and see if I can tolerate that to try to keep my cardiovascular fitness up some which will help when I'm ready to get back at it.

Oh well. I 'm off to finish my charts for the day. I just love paperwork, or  really it's computer work since we're electronic. Work is work, right?  I still want to post a pic of my new lab coat. I'll try to get someone to take one later tonight.

Thursday Morning

Good Morning everyone. I'm up. I'm at work and I REALLY wish I wasn't. But, at least it's Thursday which means the weekend is just a day a way. Thank the Lord.

I've discovered that walking hurts. I tried, but it causes things in my belly to jiggle and there is a LOT of my belly to jiggle. Hee hee. So, no walking. I ate come cheerios this morning and drank some coffee.

Last night I was soooo hungry. I just haven't eaten much for days. At 7pm last night I'd had only 300 cal. I decided to go ahead and eat. I had linguine with pesto and shrimp my Nanny made for us. It was sooooooo good, homemade pesto. Not too bad health wise. I only ate maybe 2/3-1cup pasta. I also had some broccoli and bruschetta, also home made on wheat bread. Yummy! It tasted soooo good. I had pain after, but didn't throw up, so that was great. It hurts all the time whether I eat or not, so I might as well.

I remain bloated and still up 2 pounds from last week. I know it's all the sodium from the soups and crackers. But, I'm not letting it bother me. Last night my new lab coat finally arrived and I am so happy. It is an XL, no numbers in front and it fits so great. I tried to take a picture of myself and well...it was just awful. I'll have my husband take one later.

A lot of you have asked when I'm getting this gallbladder thing fixed. I am actually seeing the surgeon today so I should know for sure soon. I'll keep you posted. I'm pretty sure I'll need surgery and I'll dread it. I've had surgery 3 times, but nothing like this. Those were just ablations for my subglottic stenosis (scar tissue in my upper airway) and they were done with a laser and only took about 30 minutes each so I wasn't out too long. They left me with a sore throat for 2-3 days, but otherwise I was fine. This is a much bigger surgery, even with the laprascopic procedure.

Still..... I am thankful it is nothing worse than simple gallstones. I saw a lady last week, 42 years old and has had lung cancer the last 6 years with one surgery after another and radiation and chemo. They found the cancer 6 mo after she was married. I try to remind myself of stories like that when I feel sorry for myself.

Hope you all have a great day. Eat right! Exercise! I'm watching you! Smile.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Well...CRAP! and NSV

You want the good news or the bad news first? OK. Bad it is.

So...I get a call from the radiologist this morning letting me know that he was reading the X-ray on my son from last night and he DOES in fact see a hair line fracture in the joint. Shit. So that means he needs a cast or a splint for 4 weeks. Before the game last night, his coach told him he was going to move him up to A-team. That probably won't happen as he will not be playing. He is so bummed. So am I. I totally didn't see that fracture last night. But, I was tired. I'm not a radiologist. AND I was pretty much wishing there was no fracture. News flash....I'm human.

Today I have eaten a jimmy dean breakfast sandwich (the light one), a tiny bite of chicken and salad. One peppermint. Water. A little coffee. That's it. I'm hungry, but the only thing to eat here at the office is brownies and cookies and I sure as hell aint touching that crap.

No exercise. AGAIN. Sigh. Maybe I'll try to go for a walk with the kids tonight. We'll see. Still having a lot of pain even though I had a massage which just proved to me that most of the pain is IN FACT from my stupid gallbladder. Fab.

And speaking of the massage....

The NSV! Usually when I go get a massage, I barely fit on the table. I mean, I fit, but I have to kinda tuck my arms up under myself a little as they are always trying to slide off the sides. This time I fit. All of me fit. I could relax, my arms were lying beside me and weren't sliding off the table. I was so happy as it did prove to me that my body IS smaller. Smile.

The massage was good. My back feels better. I am more relaxed. I wish I was in less pain, but I'm not so....I'll ignore it by doing my work which I am avoiding at this moment. Life is full of ups and downs, you just have to hold on for the ride. Adios!

Weigh in Wednesday. Whatever.

Well I weighed. I'm up 2 lbs, but not very surprised. I didn't have time to measure, but I will later. I'm tired this morning, but in a better mood. Got the boy off to school in his wrist brace and a note for coach to limit him to no contact for now. He has a game next Monday and he's hoping he'll be able to play. We'll see.

So I was reading blogs last night as usual and I was really struck by this one from Chris over at A Deliberate life. In it she talks about recognizing your weaknesses can be a clue to your greatest strengths. If you haven't read it, you should and if you don't follow her, start. It got me thinking about what my weaknesses are and how they relate to my strengths. It is so easy to focus on our weaknesses.

"Think about your biggest weakness.
It no doubt makes your biggest strength possible.
Be appreciative of yourselves and your unique gifts."

I feel like one of my weaknesses is impatience. I don't like waiting. I need things to do. I am always busy and if I'm stuck waiting it makes me nuts. I don't have the luxury of wasting time. But, this does lead to my strength of being able to get things done, stay on top of things. Keeps me focused on my goal. If I'm not, it will just take that much time for it to get here.

Another weakness is that sometimes I don't communicate well with my loved ones. Sometimes I clam up and just want to be left alone. I don't know if it's because I'm an only child or because of what I do, but I just need my space. But, on the bright side, this leads me to be very independent. I don't need someone to be with me to do things. I've gone to lunch by myself, dinner by myself, movies, football games, shopping, running, to the gym. In fact, I enjoy doing things with myself. It refreshes me.

I also have a tendency to have pity parties. Feel sorry for myself. This comes from growing up with a single Mom who worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs, no money AND add to that my being fat. It's easy to play the victim. Feel like life isn't fair. But, this weakness has taught me that life is what you make of it. No one can make you be happy. Happiness comes from inside.

It also gives me empathy for the underdog. I understand what it's like to feel like the world is against you. I know what it's like to be embarrassed and have poor self worth. It helps me relate to my patients and put myself in their shoes.

I also have a problem with confrontations. This comes from a verbally abusive and somewhat crazy father that I saw only rarely. When I did, it was scary at times. There was a lot of yelling and some physical abuse, never of me, but I witnessed him hitting my step-mom and half-siblings. I don't like yelling. I don't like people getting mad at me. This means sometimes I don't stand up for myself like I should.

BUT, it also leads to my strength as a peace maker. Able to build compromises. It has given me the ability to make business deals and with a few other physicians we built and now own part of our own hospital. That was a big accomplishment and I couldn't have done it without those abilities. Especially since the other investors are mainly ego-driven surgeons. (Don't get me started)

And so this has helped me stop focusing on what I'm NOT able to do, but what I can do. I needed that right now in light of what's going on with me. I'm trying to relax and wait to see what happens. I will see the surgeon tomorrow. I'm going for a massage at lunch to try and relax.

I'm pretty stressed out and the old monster "EMOTIONAL EATING" is rearing it's ugly head. Even though I can't really eat any of my usual trigger foods, I am eating too many crackers and drinking sprite too much. I guess it's the old me where If I feel sick, I eat in hopes it makes me feel better. That doesn't mix with my current problems. I just don't feel good all the way around. I'm tired and it makes me want to curl up in a ball and stay in the closet. Avoid the world. Can't do that at work, can I?

All your support is helping and I'm trying to stop dwelling on me so I've been reading all your blogs. Remember, I'm watching you. You promised to kick some diet and exercise butt this week for me and I'm holding you all to it.

Gotta go work now. Physicals to be done. Diseases to conquer. Runny noses to cure. See ya later...

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Tuesday Evening from Hell

It sounded like such a great idea. Football game. Evening breeze, nice night. HA!

I left the office for my son's game with the two little girls. We made it to the game in time to see my son start. Yeah! He played starting Nose tackle on the O-line and also played some on the D-line, left guard.

The girls were bored and driving me nuts. I got them a hot dog and they ended up smearing ketchup all over the place. Fabulous. The opposing team's parents were from hell. The lady in front of me was yelling "Jesus Christ, what the hell is their problem." At the refs. Now, I am not a prude and I enjoy a good curse word as much as the next person, but this is a middle school football game and the stands were full of kids, including mine. Rude. Rude. Rude. To top it off, she is obviously a heavy smoker with the most grating voice EVER. We moved and we could still hear her.

We lost the game, 13-7, but I think the boys played well. It was our first real game since the first 2 got rained out. The other team had already played 4 other games. It's always hard the first game as the boys have to settle in. Plus the stands were loud and it was just different for them.

My son played well. I was proud. But, he got pushed down and landed on his arm in one play. In the next series, he was at the bottom of a huge pile as he helped make a sack and landed on his arm again. Wrist was hurting, hand and fingers swollen. They taped it for him and iced it, he couldn't move it.

Meanwhile....I hadn't eaten since lunch and I was starved. Feeling light headed. I drank some water and then I was nauseated. By the end of the game I was hurting, nauseated, and starving. Go figure that one out. I ate a few bites of a fiber bar. No more hunger, but more pain and nausea. Grrreat!

After the game, I checked my son's hand and wrist. It was very swollen, starting to bruise and very sore. Guess who had a trip to the ER? Luckily it was not broken and we left with just a small brace. Whew! Now I'm home and was starving so I ate some toast with cheese on it and a few crackers. Drank more water. I'm taking some meds and going to bed.

I'm trying so hard not to get discouraged, but it is hard. I tried to do a little TKD and it killed my belly. There is absolutely no way I can run right now, I haven't ran in a week tomorrow. FROWN. I have not even worked out since Last Thursday and I am absolutely losing my mind. I've worked so hard to get to where I am and I feel like it is slipping away. You know how hard it is when you don't work out for a week and then go back. I am soooo frustrated.

I don't know that I will even weigh tomorrow. It might send me over the edge. I think I'm up a pound, maybe 2 just from all the extra sodium. I'm so angry with my body for doing this to me just when I had started to come to peace with it. I've been working so hard to make my body better and THIS is how it repays me? But on the bright side, this isn't terminal and will be fixed, so I'm trying not to complain too much.

I feel like I've missed the mark on Allan's challenge as I am just posting ramblings about my life and not much about my healthy lifestyle efforts, but he didn't say the posts had to be quality, just twice a day and I am doing that. That's it for now. Goodnight and Good luck!

Tuesday Morning

Well, I survived the night. I slept better. Woke up this am with little pain. Ate cheerios, big pain. ugh. I'm also wondering if some of the pain is from my back. I'm skipping TKD today and going home to rest. I'm going to try to get a massage and see if that helps.

On the bright side, the sun is shining and the morning finally feels like fall is coming, not that it's a lot cooler, but the air is starting to feel differently. Son has a football game tonight. Please Lord, don't rain another one out. Poor kids are working hard and want to play.

Thanks so much for all your words of support. It is appreciated. Glad to hear all of you who were kicking some butt on the diet and exercise yesterday while I could not. I ate 1295 cal yesterday, 34 over. It's hard to stay in the range when all your eating is crackers and toast and sprite. What I wouldn't give for a big old salad. Yumm...

Well, I feel that I am whining and not being very helpful so I'll leave you with the reminder that everyone needs to have a physical exam every year, including blood work. And, get your flu shots. The doc in me just comes out sometimes. Grin.

Have a great day!

Monday, September 20, 2010

I am COMPLETELY stoned!

You'll have to excuse the pun. I couldn't help myself. I had the ultrasound today. My gallbladder is full of stones. Multiple stones. I can't say I'm surprised, but I was not exactly thrilled with the results. I was hoping it would be clear and I'd have to chalk all this pain up to over training.

Alas, it is not the case. I see the surgeon on Thursday and we'll see what he has to say. I'll probably be needing surgery. The pain is near constant now and doubles after I eat. Even though I am not eating much, it is not pleasant.

Today I had no breakfast because of the test. I had frozen yogurt and berries after the ultrasound. Then I had 1/2 cup of soup and some saltine crackers. For dinner, 1/2 cup chicken noodle soup and 2 pieces of toast. I just ate 1/2 cup of cheerios w/ milk and OMG, I'm sorry I did. I only drank MAYBE 32 oz of water today which is about 1/4 of what I've been drinking. I try to sip it. Chugging it like I normally do results in nausea and pain. I hate throwing up and to be honest I'm tired of it! I drank some sprite with dinner because frankly it tastes good and stays down.

I didn't work out today. Tonight I did a little practice for TKD class. I have class tomorrow and it all depends on how I feel if I go or not. To be honest by the end of the day, all I wanted to do is lie down. I feel best lying down. I don't know why. I tried doing some crunches and push ups- no go there. Ouch. I am soooo tired from no sleep last night so I am going to try to get to bed early.

Husband's BFF is visiting all week this week. They do the same thing for separate federal agencies. They are computer nerds. They are working on a project this week and then get to go to San Antonio next week. I find this highly annoying on many levels. FIRST, how cool is it that he and his BFF get to work together. THEN they get to travel together. THEN they get a week away from home and kids and errands and MOMMY this and MOMMY that. No fair.

I dread the scale this week. I'm not eating much, but it is a lot of the wrong stuff. I tried to eat a bite of salad tonight and it just won't work. I haven't had veggies in days and this has left me bloated. I'm bracing myself for a Wednesday that is less than a success on the scale.

I'll have to find other ways to measure my success. I feel proud that I skipped the cake and pizza at the bday party this weekend. So I get a star for that. It's my week to measure so I'll do that on Wednesday. I know I've lost more inches. I have to use the smallest hook on my bra now, even the new sports bras I got for running. My scrub pants are absolutely falling off even when I tie them as tight as possible. So, I'll find solace there.

People are really noticing now, especially patients who haven't seen me in a while. One asked me if I had that "surgery" for weight today. I think she was disappointed when I said no. I have several every day who are surprised to see how much weight I've lost. Again, I don't see it that much. I appreciate that they are trying to be nice, but in some ways this is sabotage for me. I don't want to get over happy with how I look. I still have a long way to go, you know?

Monday night game is nothing to keep me up. Saints v 49ers. PUH-lease. Yawn. Saints will probably hang half a hundred on them. Of course I have it on because.....well I'm an addict. I think we've already covered that. If sleep deprivation weren't enough to make me tired today, the constant rehashing of the Cowboys' horror at the Death Star would do it. The world is ending here in Dallas. I think everyone thought Jerry would just buy use the Superbowl or some shit. I didn't see it in our future and I'll be darned, I think I might've been right. We're kinda sucking and we have like the hardest schedule in the NFL this year. Thank goodness for game day alcohol, eh?

Well, I have 2 little girls in the tub and I am hearing a lot more splashing and giggling that I am comfortable with. Big boy is at boy scouts until 9pm. That's Daddy's problem as I plan to get these girls in bed in the next 20 minutes and then I hope to be close behind.

Goodnight and good luck, folks! See you in the mornin'.

Monday Morning

Well. Here I am Monday morning and I still feel like crap. Still having pain. Going to get an ultrasound this afternoon to check the gallbladder. If it's not that, will have to consider actually seeing a doctor. I hate that. What they say about Doctors being the worst patients is absolutely true. But, I can't deal with this pain anymore.

I went over my calories yesterday, mainly because I was drinking sprite. But, water made me throw up. Coke zero made me throw up. Diet DP made me throw up. What to do? I don't know. This morning I can't have anything to eat or drink before the ultrasound. No coffee for me means I'm extra grumpy.

I didn't sleep well last night up for various reasons, one being the pain. The other being the damned dog. Why is it that nights you are so tired they conspire against you? So I saw 12:20am, 1:30am, 1:50am, 2:30am, 4:20am on the clock before my 5:35am wake up. Yawn. I'm too old for that crap.

I am bummed because my brain wants to work out and eat right, but my body won't cooperate. I ate 3 bites of a salad yesterday and lost it. So after that it was toast, crackers and the poached eggs for dinner. Not exactly a balanced diet. I'm so frustrated with this set back. Scale is up a pound, but likely due to not enough water. I just can't right now.

I feel like my goal is at the end of one of those trick hallways from the Twilight Zone where the faster you run toward it, the farther it drifts away. I know that's melodramatic, but the clock is ticking and I want, no, I NEED to get this weight off. I don't know if I'll be able to make TKD class tomorrow. I just don't know if I can do it. We'll see.

Sorry I'm not very uplifting OR inspiring today, but I have one favor to ask. Since I can't kick ass on the exercise and diet front today, I'm trusting all my blogosphere peeps to do it for me. If I can't, knowing you can and are doing it makes me feel a little better. So....promise you'll put forth your best effort today, for me?

I'll keep you posted on the ultrasound. Just think...If I have to have surgery I could post the video. I bet no other blogger has done such a thing. Hee hee. That would be hilarious. I'm holding you to that promise! Let me know how today rolls for you. Caio!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Sunday Part Two

Well....the Cowboys have the worst record since 2001. How proud I am. Geez. As if I wasn't nauseated enough. Ugh. And now wrapping up Sunday with the Manning Bowl. Maybe I've had enough football and we'll turn to some TiVo soon.

Birthday party was at a Karate place. My sweet little girls in their cute little dresses kicked some little boys ass. They asked for it though. They were jumping around and punching at them so......big one round house kicked the bratty kid in the stomach. Little one punched and side kicked him. The kids were supposed to be using targets but a few little boys were not following instructions. Guess they'll listen now. My girls have been in TKD for 2 years. HA! That's what I've been paying all that money for.

Two clean girls, brushing teeth and then it's story time. Big boy has gone to bed after homework, french horn and chores. He was pooped after a fun weekend of camping and canoeing. So pooped he got in the shower without being told. There are miracles! He loves to read prior to bed, like his Mom. Husband is finishing his own homework. Why did I think that being a grown up meant no more homework? HA! I have some of my own that I'm not doing right now. I'd rather blog instead. Procrastination is my name.

Well, I successfully ate toast and a poached egg. That was about an hour ago. Still have pain. Whatever. I guess I'll call my friend the radiologist and have him ultrasound me if I'm not better tomorrow.

Two little girls calling "Mommy....I'm tired." Your wish is my command. When you're in bed, I can be soon after. Good night all.

If this is boring, blame Allan. His idea to post twice a day. But....I like the idea of more focus on the weekends and I'll be damned if I fail in Allan's challenge. Never hear the end of it. Hee hee.

Sunday Laziness

Yesterday as a fun and busy day. We drove to Norman for the football game. We arrived just in time to drop off the girls, pick up the tickets and head off to the game. We played Air Force and there was a most excellent fly over of jets during the anthem. The crowd was wild. Usually at the end of the anthem the crowd shouts "Home of the Sooners" in stead of "Home of the brave", but yesterday in respect for the armed forces we sang it the right way. It was a bit sloppy of a game, but we won 27-24. A win is a win and we'll take it.

After the game we went back to my Aunt's changed clothes then headed out to the Japanese Steak house for dinner. It is always fun to go to those places and watch the chef toss eggs and various foods around like the Harlem Globetrotters. My husband and I split a meal as it is always too much food. Shrimp appetizer, salad, soup, steak, lobster and grilled veggies and a little rice. I ate a ton of food last night, but I didn't eat much to speak of all day in anticipation of dinner so I was under my calories. Of course we did a ton of walking which helped.

This morning we got up early and packed up and headed home. We were home here by noon. We have to pick up my son from his camping trip in a bit and the girls have a bday party this afternoon. I'm still having trouble with pain in my side and I'm worried it may be my gallbladder. I'm hoping it's a pulled muscle as surgery does NOT sound like fun at all. The only thing is that eating seems to make it worse and I get nausea. Physician heal thyself, eh?

Of course, the nausea could be related to watching this Cowboys game. Offensive line? Did we need one of those? Oh, are penalties bad? Ugh. Romo looks irritated and there's no rhythm. Gonna be a long season folks.

I better go so I can yell at the TV some more. Have a good Sunday all....

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Well we won the game. Now we're on the way to have some dinner. Hope you all have a great Saturday !
, Bummer. I'm off to the football game. If this works maybe I can post more later. Caio!
, Trying to post from my phone so I can meet Allan's challenge to post twice a day. Yesterday I felt like poo. I'm afraid I'm having gallbladder issues.

Friday, September 17, 2010

You are all TOO kind!

Lanie over at Healthy Schmealthy was nice enough to present me with this lovely pink award. Thanks Lanie! Rules say I have to pass this on to 6 other bloggers :

1.Phil, at Couch Potato to 10K. A recent discovery, newbie to all this and doing great!
2. Alan, at Pounds Off Playoff. Fellow sports addict
3. My buddy, Shane, at Losing it For the Family.
4. Glenn, at Fifty Five and Fat
5.Crazy fat girl
6. Loosing Harry, has been gone but is back! Yeah!

and answer the following question:

"If you had one chance to go back and change one thing in your life, would you and what would it be?"

WOW. That's a really hard question. I've been thinking about this since I started seeing this award circulating. I don't know the answer. I just don't. I considered the big ones:

Would I be a doctor? Yes. I don't really see me doing anything else. It is my calling.

Would I get married? In a heart beat. From the first date, he was the one. We've had rocky times and it is by no means easy, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Would I have kids? Absolutely. I love being a Mom. Again it is demanding and draining and frustrating. But, when they wrap their arms around you and say, "I love you Mommy. You're the best Mommy in the whole world." It's all worth it. OR EVEN, "Hey Mom. You're cool" Which is what my nearly 13 yr old son told me this morning.

Would I have started my own practice, gone solo? This is the only one where, maybe the answer is no. I have a partner now and a Nurse Practitioner. I am in a call group. The medicine side is peachy, nice really. But, the business side is hard. Really hard. Especially right now. I don't know that I would do this again, especially in this economic climate. I might just go to work for some mega-group and let them write me a paycheck. On the other hand, if I want the morning off to go to my kid's school, I take it. I I want a week in Boston or whatever, I take it. I don't need permission to take a long lunch. I don't need big meetings to decide whether to buy a new copier. I guess the end result is that I'm pretty happy with my career.

Soooo....What about the little things? Sure there are things or instances where I could've done things better. I could have gotten this health thing figured out in college or better yet, high school. But, who would I be now? Would I still be me? I don't know. And I like me. I like my grumpy yet sarcastic and snarky sense of humor. I like my compassion for others and people that are different that being an outcast brought me. I like that I understand what being poor is since I was raised by a single mom and an absent dad. I like that I don't get embarrassed easily since I have the goofiest BFF EVER and if I want to dance or laugh or giggle or say something silly, I do it. I like that I try to see the best in people, even when I shouldn't. I even like that I'm not overly trusting. It means I have a small and very tight circle of amazingly supportive friends and family.

I guess this question has made me realize just how much I've accepted my past, even the really bad stuff that has happened to me. I guess it has made me understand that all of that got me here, the good, the bad and the ugly. I like here. And it has made me see that I really have turned my gaze to the NOW and the future. I don't frett about the past or things that have happened to me. I can't change it. I can only change today and tomorrow. That's what I'm working on. So, I guess the answer is NO. I wouldn't change anything in my life.

There's only thing I would consider and, of course, it would change everything else and so many people's lives, my whole family and many, many others. I would make 2 phone calls the Evening of April 18th, 1995. I would call my "uncle" Steve and "uncle" Jerry ( both cousins really, but so much older than me that they were more like uncles). I would tell them not to go to work the next day. They worked in the federal building in Oklahoma City. They were killed in the bombing with so many others that day.

Steve was father figure to me. Dad of my favorite girl cousin, Jenni that I played with constantly, sleep overs and Barbie dolls. He was funny and playful, and serious and sweet. And, Jerry a quiet guy who was the silent prankster of the family. I had Easter dinner with him and his family the Sunday before the bombing, 3days later he was gone.

Of course, neither of them would have listened. They were deeply religious and wouldn't have let others get hurt while they stood by. And, what of all the 166 other victims and their families? It is an event that changed so many things from politics to the way we view terrorism. So if I could, would I stop that bombing from happening? Yes. But........of course I can't.

And that is why, my friends, that we must not try to re-think or re-live our past. We must accept ourselves, our choices, our family, our circumstances. We may not understand them, but we must learn to live the best life we can with what we have. Spend our time enjoying today, being thankful for what we have, and trying to make our future as bright as we can.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Kiss My Ass.... and....Are you Willing?

My butt hurts. Sorry, but it does. Yesterday, I was already sore from TKD class. THEN, I ran week 8 day 3 of C25K. THEN, I worked out with my trainer for an hour. And now....My butt hurts. It hurts to sit, it hurts to stand, it hurts to bend, it hurts to lean, it hurts to......you get the idea.

It's OK though, because it's a good hurt. It means I've been doing what I'm supposed to be doing. MOVING. I've been exercising. My poor ass has been used to doing nothing but sitting there for so long, no wonder it hurts. But, I'm proud of it. It's a reminder. It shouts to me: "Keep moving or next time it'll hurt more. DON'T EAT THAT. I'm big enough already. Where would you be without me, huh? You'd better respect me now. Keep strengthening me and shaping me up. I help you with balance, did you forget? I help you with stairs and squats and just plain standing. You better remember to take care of me!" And so.... I now will respect my ass. I promise not to forget it in my exercise or stretching routines.

Yesterday with the trainer I bench pressed 70 pounds, that's free weights. Not the machine assist. Free weights. I did leg presses-80 pounds. I did bicep curls and shoulder presses-15pounds each arm. I did push ups and One leg balance touch downs with the 15 pound weights. I did step up burpees. Where you stand on a step and have to jump up and down with the burpee part in between the jumping. 25 of them. Ouch.

The only thing that pisses me off is I still struggle with REAL sit ups. I can do crunches all day. But, real sit ups, no. I still have fat chick back problems, although it's better than 40 pounds ago. I am so irritated by the fact that there are things I want to do, things I think I can do, but my body just can't yet. Ugh.

And, why do I let it bother me so much? Shouldn't I focus on all the good stuff I did, not the 1 thing I had trouble with? I still did sit ups by the way, but I had to use a band to help me a little. Is it good that I'm so hard on myself? Or is it discouraging? Where's the balance between drive and overdrive? I feel I am honestly working as hard as I can exercise wise. I didn't this morning, but I swear to God, I'm not sure I could've. For one thing I wasn't home until 9:30pm after my Board meeting last night. By the time I got home and did home stuff, I didn't get to bet until nearly midnight. My alarm went off at 5:30am. I just couldn't go anymore and I was so tired. I just laid there willing myself to move. I hate this talk as I feel it sounds like excuses. Ugh.

Yesterday I wrote about struggling with food and taking power over it. I got a lot of comments about how some of you are still struggling. Some of you have been at this a long time, others just starting. None of us are perfect. I am not perfect, that is for sure. There are still times where I want to drive thru somewhere and just order something terrible. There are times I get pissed because it seems so unfair that I am burdened with having to count every single freakin calorie and others just eat whatever the hell they want and stay slim. There are times I have a pity party and feel like this is all too hard and WHY do I have to be this way? Why am I being punished?

And then, I give myself the mental shake and kick in the ass. As IF NEVER BEING ABLE TO PIG OUT AND EAT ALL THE CRAP I WANT IS SOME SORT OF BURDEN. NO! It's normal. Here's something that WE as fat people do not get.


They don't. No. I'm serious. They don't. And those that do SHOULDN'T. It's not good for anyone no matter their size. AND they work out. They do. Ask some skinny people you know. Watch how they eat. Yea, some of them eat like pigs and don't work out, but you might be surprised what you find out.

Here's another thought: Don't buy stuff or bring stuff in your house that you you don't need or shouldn't have or that will tempt you. Just. Don't. Do. It. I hear a lot of my patients telling me that it's so hard because they have to buy cookies or chips or other junk for their kids or spouse. No you don't. You don't. That crap is what made you fat. Do you really want to be feeding it to your kids or husband? Even if they don't have a weight problem, do they need to eat junk? No.

Here's the other thing: This takes practice. The more you do it, the easier it gets. When you were a kid, did you ALWAYS remember to brush your hair or teeth or floss? NO. Mom or Dad reminded you. Told you over and over, "Brush your teeth." "Comb your hair." Now, as a grown up, it's something you do. You do it everyday. Even when you don't feel like it. It wasn't habit, but now it is.

Well....that's what we're doing. We are learning to do something that isn't habit yet. The only way to get it to be habit is to do it, over and over and over and over and over and over. To do it and not stop. Day after day. If you give in and binge, you are not teaching your brain to stop craving junk. You're telling your brain, "If you whine enough, I'll give it to you."

My son was about 3 years old. I was on my way to a Christmas party. I'd forgotten my camera. I ran into Walgreen's to buy a disposable. My son sees this shiny Christmas pencil with a Santa head on top. He asked if he could have it. I said, "Yes, if you are good." So at the checkout, he sees the candy. He wants one. "No. Not now, it's almost dinner time." He proceeds to throw a fit. A screaming, yelling fit. I tell him, "You either stop NOW or the pencil goes back." He didn't stop. He still doesn't have that damned pencil. What did he learn? Well... he's almost 13. He knows if Mom says "No." Mom means it.

I treat my emotional food cravings as if they were my 3 year old son. There's a part of me that is stomping her feet and screaming, "I WANT IT!" But, then there's the parent me, "Not now. It's not good for you." Every time I give in to that little brat, she wins. Damage is done. A chip at my resolve.I am discouraged. I gain weight. I feel sick. It was hard at first to control myself, but it is so much easier now. NOW it is ALMOST habit for me.

You have to start out slow. Did I give my 2 year old the giant electric fancy toothbrush and say, "Go at it." ? No. I started with the tiny toothbrush and bubblegum toothpaste. At first I did it for her, then she learned how. Now she's 5 and she knows how to brush. It's not perfect. But, she knows how now.

The committed ready part of you has to teach the still wanting to stray part how to eat. How to exercise. That means you may need to be very strict and structured for a while. Plan all your meals. Only buy healthy things. Clean out the pantry. DON'T EAT OUT. It means you have to, I mean HAVE TO, stick to healthy eating for a long time. Every. Single. Day. IF your goal is to make this habit. A real lifestyle change. A thing you do without struggle. Without deliberation. Without bargaining. Without guilt. Without frustration.

And if you want exercise to feel natural to you, you have to do it. Every day. Or close to it. The more you do, the more you can. The less you do, the less you can. You can't "be good" for a while and then, "slack off" and then "be good". You CAN NOT BE CONSISTENT ENOUGH when it comes to exercise. That doesn't mean you have to do the same thing every time you workout. But that you have a routine of working out. It's in your schedule. A part of your life. Breathe. Blink. Pee. Poop. Eat Healthy. Drink Water. Sleep. Exercise. They should all be a natural part of your life.

And so if you are still struggling, ask yourself: What is my goal? What do I really want? How bad do I want it? If your answer is not, "I want to be healthy and lose weight and I am willing to do WHATEVER it takes to get there" well.....you are not going to see consistent weight loss. You're not going to meet goals you set.

Let me be clear. I am not being judemental. I know that there are times where we all make mistakes. Having that attitude of whatever it takes, does NOT mean there won't be times when you mess up. But it is a shift in attitude.

I will exercise even when I'm sore. Even when there is no time. Even if I don't get to watch my favorite show.

I will eat healthy things, even when I want the hot wings or cake or candy. I might not be able to go to THAT restaurant. I might not EVER be able to buy THOSE chips.

I might have less time "to myself" IF ANY. I might irritate my husband from time to time. I might miss eating out at lunch with the girls from the office because I have to go to the gym. I might have to pass up that cute pair of shoes because my running shoes need replaced.

It means I might never get to make a batch of cookies and eat them straight from the oven with an ice cold class of milk. Not ever again. Because I'll eat the WHOLE pan.

It means I might have to tell the kids NO when they want to buy donuts for Sunday morning breakfast. It means they might whine when I throw away Halloween candy or not buy THAT cereal.

It means that I am WILLING to do WHATEVER it takes to be HEALTHY. So I can live a long time and enjoy my life and teach my children to do the same. So I can help other people. Make the world a better place. Because if I don't do this........

None of it will happen. I won't be around. It's just that simple.

Are you willing?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Wednesday Weigh In and my first trip to TWO OHHHH!!!

Another week gone and another weigh in? Where do they go? I feel like all I do is run from place to place and fall into bed, wake up too soon and do it all again! Yesterday I didn't post although I wanted to. I even half-assed thought of something to get going on, but literally there was no time.

I woke up, got kids to school and me to work. Breakfast was cheerios eaten standing up at the kitchen counter while waiting on the microwave and my kid's oatmeal. Work was super busy. Flu season is coming. Seeing lots of Strep throat, colds, allergies and even a case of Mono. Get your flu shots people. It's coming.

I had Tae Kwon Do yesterday, I think this is my 4th class. It was HARD. We did crunches-75, push ups 25, leg lifts-25 with the last 5 held for 10 sec 1/2 way down and super hard stretches. That was just the warm up. We did kicking drills which is basically just kicking as hard and fast as you can in 1 minute as many times as you can. Also, we practiced our holds and forms and more kicking. I was soaked in sweat! But, I did everything. Still working on my side kicks as I need more strength and flexibility in my hip flexors. I LOVE IT! I never though I could love exercise this much! All I want to do is practice and learn the stuff more. I'm exercising, but it doesn't even feel like it. It is AWESOME!!

Lunch was a frozen Lean Cuisine Ravioli and some grapes. I went straight from work to my son's football game. It was to be his first "real" for school game, but it got rained out. This is the second one and poor kid was crushed. He was so excited. Dang it. I don't know whether to be embarrassed or proud that he really wanted to "hit someone". His words. He plays D-line and he really likes it. But, we'll have to wait another week to try again.

I went straight from the rained out game, ran through the flooding parking lot to my car and got soaked, and drove to my meeting at the hospital. Sitting in a meeting soaked is not fun. Luckily I had a granola bar in my pocket, so that was snack. Several doctors there hadn't seen me in months and they made quite a fuss about my weight loss. It was flattering and embarrassing. I'm just not used to the attention, but it did feel good that they noticed. Sometimes I don't see the difference in the mirror yet.

Got home at 8:30pm and it was time for bed for the girls. By the time we brushed teeth and jammies and read books, it was after nine and that's a little later than I like, but whatta ya gonna do? By then I was STARVING. Like stomach growling I could eat the pillow starving. So, I fixed a wrap with turkey pastrami and mustard and had a bowl of watermelon. When you figure I burned around 800 calories at lunch, it's no wonder I was hungry! My total calories were 994 yesterday and with the exercise net was only 243 calories but, I wasn't hungry and it was enough.

This morning I hopped out of bed energetic and ready to go. OK....so I dragged my tired ass out kicking and screaming and made myself get on the treadmill. I did C25K week 8 day 3, that's a 28 minute run. I can now run 1.5 miles without walking. I feel like that's good progress. My speed is still bad. I did 2miles today in the 38 min, 10 of that was walking. The last 6 minutes was hell as my legs woke up I guess and said, "What the HELL! After all that shit we did yesterday you have the nerve to try and make us run??" Well, I apologized to them and told them if they'd just get done, they could rest. I haven't explained that we have an appointment with the trainer at 5pm. Shhhh!

Today at lunch I have a staff meeting for my office. After work, I head to the gym for my session with the trainer. I had to squeeze it in as it was planned for Monday noon and after the KFC horror which shall never be discussed again, I had to reschedule. I'm praying he has upper body planned as my legs are about shot now. I went to get gas this morning, dropped my credit card on the ground and when I bent over to pick it up, well....I said a naughty word. OK...it was several. THEN after the session with the trainer I have a hospital board meeting which will probably last until 10pm. I packed food to eat and I have soup here at work if I need it.

And now the exciting news.....

Today I weighed 209.4!!

That's right people I have entered the land of the TWO OHHHs! I am only 10 pounds from my next goal of 199 and it feels absolutely doable. A year ago it felt impossible, a dream that would never happen, better chance of winning the lottery. But here I am DOING IT! Actually doing it. And all I had to do was what I ALREADY KNEW HOW TO DO!

Can you believe it took me 40 years to figure this shit out? Eat less, move more. Unbelievable. I can do trigonometry. I can tell you the pathophysiology of any disease. I can recite for you the pharmacology behind Viagra. But until March 22nd, 2010 I didn't get the simple equation calories in -calories burned=weight loss.

It seems soooo simple to me now. So un-freakin-believably simple. I want to shout it from the tree tops. I want to go up to obese people on the side walk and shake them and say, "Why aren't you doing it? Stop hurting yourself. Stop hurting your family. All you have to do is move and eat less." It's sooo doable.

Is it easy? NO! Are there times I want to binge? YES! Do I? NO! Because I know I can do this. I CAN DO THIS! And binging won't get me where I want to go. Do I want that bagel, cupcake, twinkie, snickers? Not as much as you'd think. It's amazing how the longer you don't eat that crap, the less you care anything about it at all.

That's why sometimes I worry about the "just eat a little bit" mentality. Maybe that's OK for some people. I am NOT judging anyone. I have had a time or two where I really wanted a cookie and I've had one. But here's the rub...if I eat one, I want another. OR I want a coke. OR I want a candy, just one little kiss won't hurt, right? And it won't hurt if I just have a FEW Doritos. I mean, after all I'm not going to go my whole life without these things, right?

And then I say to myself WHY NOT??!!?? Why do you NEED any of that crap? You know it does nothing for you nutritionally. You know it makes you crave more crap. WHY do I feel like I should DESERVE to eat that garbage? Because it is emotional. I don't like the feeling of some of my greatest comfort foods gone from me. What will happen if I want them and can't have them? How will I feel?

Well.....I'll feel however I FEEL. And it will have NOTHING to do with what food I am eating or craving. It will just be a feeling and like ALL feelings, they will pass, they will change. How liberating to know, I don't have to face the temptation of just one cookie or one little piece of cake or a "few chips". I don't have to get on that slippery slope if I don't want to. Because for me, just a little moderation leads to binging. So for me, I will avoid those bad for me foods because they are BAD for me and because I don't want to face the cravings for a week after a little moderation. That's what I've discovered for ME.

Like an alcoholic who just can't have one drink, I can't have one cookie. Because 1 cookie leads to 2 cookies and then the salty kicks in, OK french fries, and what goes with fries....COKE. And if you're going to have fries and a coke, might as well have the hamburger. I NEED the protein anyway right? And if I've already eaten all that, what's a shake. That's at least got milk in it, right? And pretty soon I'm back on the FOOD merry-go-round and I'm nauseated and sick physically and emotionally.

Are you ready to let go of your emotional attachment to foods? Are you ready to finally be free? Are you ready to take control and get on the road to your goals? Stop the side trips already! Let's do this thing!!

Let me know what you've learned about controlling food OR are you still struggling to show it who's boss?

Monday, September 13, 2010

Ohhh the Nausea!

This weekend was a mixed bag. First, I did well at the game on Saturday. I ate a big breakfast of toast and eggs. On the way up for the game, I had some sunflower seeds and a WHOLE bunch of water. At the game I discovered that they have plain baked potatoes at the BBQ place. So, that's what I had for lunch. Of course they pile on the butter and I had to pull most of that off. But it was very yummy and a healthy choice in light of the other stadium options. Late in the game it was getting pretty hot, so I had a small cup of low fat frozen yogurt and some more water. It was yummy and really hit the spot!

Exercise for the day was the long walk to and from the stadium as well as the jumping and cheering and standing that goes along with football game watching. My Sooners did a number on Florida State and they looked WAY better this week. Sigh of relief.

On the way home from the game, I had KFC grilled chicken. It tasted so good and ended sooooo badly. Within 1/2 hour I was pulled over on the side of the road losing it. And I had a real hard time getting the rest of the way home. I was sick all day yesterday and still feel bad today although less. Needless to say, yesterday I did not exercise and I really didn't eat much at all. I had toast around 4pm when I crawled out of bed for a few minutes and later that night a little soup and crackers.

I made the mistake of not drinking enough fluids, but I just couldn't get enough down that would stay. This morning, I was down a pound and it wasn't worth it. I would have rather kept that pound, skipped the sickness and lost it the better way, but oh well. I didn't work out today either. I had an appointment with my trainer I had to cancel so I could go home and try to eat a little soup and take a nap, which I did. I feel a little better, but not by much. It will be a very long time before I darken the doors of KFC again that's for sure!

I felt too bad to watch the whole Cowboys game last night. I went to sleep not long after the half and I'm pretty glad I did considering the hideous outcome. Geez! I KNEW McNabb at the Redskins was gonna be bad. Another reason to HATE the Eagles (Sorry Alan). I'm too sick at my stomach to rehash the nonsense I saw last night. But WHO doesn't take a knee before the half?!?! And WHY with all the money Jerry spends can we NOT get a kicker? Why? My friend Sam looked good at his first "real" game as a pro for the Rams. They lost, but he's looking great. He attempted like 60 passes. Lordy! They want their money's worth, eh? He and another OU fav of mine Mark Clayton did a lot of connecting. Maybe a little more next time and they might win the game? And one last note....the Lions were robbed. That was a touch down.

That's all today. I'm too tired and too weak for my brain to think of more. Maybe I'll be able to be witty and inspiring tomorrow.

Friday, September 10, 2010

A Whole New World

So tired today and kinda down, mainly because I didn't sleep last night. Stress I guess. I hate not sleeping. Which is pretty funny considering my career and the fact that I have lived with a sleep deficit for....well, EVER. Between med school, residency, then solo practice and 3 kids, sleep is in short supply. Luckily these days it is usually better.

But, last night wasn't and since I didn't get to sleep until about 2am, my 5:15am alarm was frickin' out of it's mind if it thought I was getting up then. That meant, no workout this am as planned. Crap. Another reason for my foul mood. Then, my son overslept and was almost late to football. Crap. Then, I forgot my medicine and had to go home to get it. Crap. Then I got to work and realized I'd forgotten to mail that thing I wanted to mail. Crap.

In light of my current negativity, I am going to change the subject to yesterday....

Yesterday was a great day. It really was. I want to thank everyone for their supportive and kind comments. I really was scared about posting those pictures. My finger hovered over the enter button for a while wondering if I was crazy or not. I then realized that I didn't give a shit what anyone thought and that this is good for me and therapeutic. So, there they are in cyberspace for anyone to see. I have to admit it was hard and bothered me a bit.

I was thankful for all the encouragement. I did need it. I do FEEL different, but I don't see it that much yet. I'm soooo impatient. It is a constant joke among family and friends. I hate waiting. This weight loss thing takes time and that sometimes frustrates me. On the other hand, I'm losing weight. For that I am happy and proud.

Someone yesterday commented on the fact that I looked so happy and confident in my before pics. You know what? I do, because I was...I am. I honestly found a place where I was happy and proud of who and what I am. I have value outside my appearance and the number on the scale. After a lifetime of assholes making fun of me and degrading me, I told them all to kiss off and realized that all that stuff they say about it's what inside that counts is TRUE.

I think that hampered my efforts at weight loss for a long time. I convinced myself that I was healthy and happy. I didn't realize all the things I was missing out on and how good it felt to be fit. I was happy and not bothered by the way I looked, most of the time. But, being fat limits you. It just does. And when you are there in your little fat world, you don't know that there's a whole OTHER world out there.

One where people go out, do things, travel, run with the kids, do Tae Kwon Do, swim and IN PUBLIC, jog in the rain, slide down the slides at the park, ride roller coasters and water slides, play sports on teams, go dancing. One where people don't grimace when you sit next to them on the plane or bus or train. One where you can walk into ANY store and look around without pretending to shop for "your friend".

One where seat belts fit. One where food is not the priority. One where you are not thinking about what you're going to have for your next meal before you've finished the last one. One where social events are NOT about the food, but actually being social.

One where people look at you with respect when they see you doing push ups and sit ups and chin ups, even though you're heavy. One where you've actually SEEN the inside of the gym you belong to and the guy at the desk recognizes you, knows your name even, you're in there so much. One where Skinny guy gets on the elliptical next to you and is amazed when he's tired and gets off before you do.

One where YOU can carry your own damn groceries up the stairs and the laundry back down. One where you get excited about packing your lunch. One where an apple sounds AWESOME. One where you don't spend your time trying to figure out what food you are craving or what will taste good and wondering why you are hungry all the time.

One where there are no diet pills, no losing 20 pounds in a week with these 3 simple rules, no eating nothing but rice cakes(what the HELL are they made of anyway?). No Dolly Parton diets, no Soup diets, no cabbage diet, no "eat like a Chinese person" diet. No pseudo-food in a box diet. No dexatrim, no metabolife, no Alli, no Meridia, no phen-phen. No Liquid crap in a can diet. No Special "cookie" diet, no eat only maroon foods diet or eat only while standing on one foot diet. No starving yourself for days or weeks.

One where there's no whining about thyroid issues or genetics or being big boned. No hypnotism or staples in the ear or acupuncture. No colon cleanses or laxatives. No making yourself puke 10 times a day. No hiding and hoarding food. No eating alone in your car so the wife/husband doesn't see. No ordering 2 meals in the drive thru so the acne faced teenager at the window doesn't know that both hamburgers, the apple pie AND the sundae are all YOURS.

One where you DON'T have to think twice about that invitation to the party because, who will be there and have they seen me since I got fat? OR I don't want to go UNTIL I lose. One where you are not always the "wing man" or the funny dude who people laugh at, but don't take seriously. One where that beautiful girl you've been friends with forever that you secretly love ACTUALLY sees you "that way" instead of spending all her time crying on your shoulder about her boyfriend. One where YOU are the one that turns heads.

One where your kids say, "Let's play catch" and you can actually RUN after the ball when they throw it wildly as all kids do. One where your family doesn't "worry about your health". One where you don't get snide comments from family members about the size of your ass. One where you don't have to plan vacations around whether a bathing suit is required or what the attire will be. One where you're glad the skinny bitch gets the raise because YOU are the skinny bitch.

One where there is no medication for diabetes or high blood pressure or acid reflux or asthma or cholesterol or gout. One where there's no CPAP machines or scooters or wheel chairs, special beds and lift chairs. One where you never have to worry if you're too heavy to have the MRI you need or the surgery you need OR better yet, you don't even need the damn surgery in the first place. One where the doctor doesn't look at you and tell you that you are a walking heart attack.

It's a world I am just beginning to explore. A world where I can go watch my kids for 2 hours at Tae Kwon Do class like I did yesterday and sit in those crap folding chairs with the bars on the side and my ass fits. I mean FITS. No hanging off the chair, no pinching from the bars on the side of the chair that leaves that little butt hickie when you stand up and bruises. One where I didn't have to scoot my chair over so my butt didn't touch the parent's next to me. One where I keep shifting around on the seat just to remind myself there's room to spare there now.

It's a world where I can GO and DO and SEE and BE..........ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING I WANT. And be happy for a very, very, long time. .

It's a WHOLE NEW WORLD, baby! You with me?

Progress to TouchDown and GOALLLL!!