Well, it's official. I'm having surgery 2 weeks from today to get my stone ridden gallbladder removed. Yippee. We had to wait until then because my husband is out of town all next week at a big conference where he's giving a presentation. I wanted a Thursday to help decrease the amount of time off work. With flu season here (we had our first positive test today) I am getting busier and busier. This way I'll miss Thursday and Friday and Monday and hopefully be back Tuesday with a light schedule.
I do not want to do this. I do not. I wish it would just stop, but I'm pretty sure it won't. It sucks. Sometimes being a doctor and knowing all the bad things that MIGHT go wrong is a very very bad thing. But, I know my surgeon very well, we've worked together for years and he's one of the best at lap procedures in the area.
He's got to check with my ENT since I haven't had my airway checked in 7-8 months. He is worried that it could be a difficult intubation and getting a tube in me could be hard. It might. The first time I had the ablation they had to use the smallest pediatric tube because my airway was so narrowed. Soooo...belly surgeon will check with throat surgeon and let me know if we need to do anything before surgery. So excited because that probably means I need another layrngoscope where they go through my nose and look down into my throat. It doesn't take long, but I've had so many I hate it now. I'll do what I have to do though.
I got back from my appointment and started coordinating schedules with my NP and staff. We're getting it worked out and I'll have the office covered. I then called my "second mom" who said she'd be available to help out with kids and such. Now it's just a matter of waiting for the big day and trying not to gain too much weight and managing the pain.
Today I ate cheerios for breakfast. Lean cuisine fish for lunch. I don't know what dinner will be but it will likely be toast or soup. It WON'T be steak which is what I want. I was so nervous before my doctor's appointment my BP was high. It's NEVER high. Plus they used a regular sized cuff. DUH.
But......I had a slip. I must confess. I ate my lunch. I was nervous. There were cookies. I was alone in the office. No one was around. I ate one. I'm so disappointed in myself. You all know that is not something I do. Not usually ever and I wasn't even going to admit it to you all because I'm annoyed with myself. But, hiding it only hurts me as that is giving in to old behaviors. I think part of it is that I can't eat anything without pain. Nothing tastes good. I was nauseated and I was just looking for something to taste good and soothe my nerves. Also, I haven't been able to eat my fruit and yummy veggies and so I haven't been packing snacks. I know better! Geez Louise! I thought I was past that shit.
I guess the only bright side is that I enjoyed the cookie. I realized immediately what I had done. It did taste good, but I didn't go looking for more. I left all the rest of the cookies there on the platter. I didn't eat the potato chips. I didn't binge and I could have. So, I have learned some control, right?
I'm just so afraid that this will lead to some downward spiral of me giving up and quitting. I don't want to quit. I've come so far. I just worry because after my first throat surgery, I got really motivated, joined the gym, lost about 25 pounds. Then when it came back and I had to go on the steroids again and have another surgery, I just kinda gave up because the weight all came back. I know this is different, but I'm worried. I guess being aware of the possibility gives me the control and can help me get back on track as soon as I can.
It's just so frustrating because I know that my running and other exercise ability is going to take a step backward. It's going to be hard trying to get back to where I am. And I won't be able to run the 5K I had planed for next weekend. So disappointing. I might try the bike and see if I can tolerate that to try to keep my cardiovascular fitness up some which will help when I'm ready to get back at it.
Oh well. I 'm off to finish my charts for the day. I just love paperwork, or really it's computer work since we're electronic. Work is work, right? I still want to post a pic of my new lab coat. I'll try to get someone to take one later tonight.
Eating just one cookie seems like a victory to me! After all, do we really want a lifetime without cookies ever again? Glad that you at least know the next step for your gallbladder now.
ReplyDeleteSorry about your surgery and I do feel your disappointment with your running. I'm having knee surgery in 2 wks and I am very disappointed at losing my momentum but at the same time, I do know that I will be able to do more without all the pain I know feel. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteNormal eaters, which is what you will be/are becoming, can eat a cookie... no biggie in my book.
ReplyDeleteCrossing my fingers for your surgery (get the Demerol!)... ;-)
ReplyDeletePolar's Mom
www.polarspage.blogspot.com
I think you did well. You had the cookie but climbed right up on the wagon. I think that for us, who have eaten so poorly for so long, it IS a victory to be able to taste a former favorite and to stop at a reasonable place and not binge or fall into a spiral of despair because we weren't "perfect." Good luck on getting the best results for having your surgery be effective and reasonably comfortable.
ReplyDeleteDemerol drip is so worth having surgery for. Wishing you peace and a speedy recovery. Anything you need, email and ask, anything..
ReplyDeleteSo sorry about the surgery, but you'll be as good as new in no time.(and feeling a lot better too.) Don't worry about the cookie. See, you're human. The fact that you maintained control after that first cookie was a bigger accomplishment than not eating any at all. For years, when I controlled my weight, I never let anything sweet ever pass these lips. It did keep the weight off, but I wasn't in control. I had to completely avoid it. I would much rather be able to eat that just one cookie and move on, then to never have it again. Do you know how many times over the last five years I have heard from friends: "Girl, is that cake??? I remember when you would NEVER eat any thing sweet. Are you not dieting anymore?" (SMACK!)
ReplyDeleteI will be thinking of you as you go into surgery. On a positive note--you are in much better shape now than you were just a few weeks ago, thanks to your diet and exercise. That's a positive side to the timing of your situation, and will likely hasten your recovery. Don't worry about the cookie--just a blip on the screen that doesn't mean anything. It's normal. Everyone does it now and then, even the "skinny b#%@*$*". Wishing you the best and a very speedy recovery.
ReplyDeleteStopping at the one cookie was a feat of willpower. I think you'll be back to your successes in no time after your gallbladder is history.
ReplyDeleteI've never known anyone get so excited about a lab coat! ;o)
ReplyDeleteHave to agree with quite a few of the comments here - one cookie (and only one) = success!
No spirals now, one cookie is not the end all of all things. You have two weeks, you'll need strength, and a couple of good weeks of disciplined eating will do wonders to help build that strenth.
ReplyDeleteI imagine it must be hard to be a doctor turned patient. I've had more medical procedres than I ever cared for. So I've learned a bit on how to come to ease with what is coming up.
Trust, do you have a strong sense of trust in your doctor/surgeon. My definition of trust includes someone who expresses some genuine concern for the patients situation. I've had doctors who have left me feeling like I was the next bit on the assembly line for their trade, and have punted them for someone else.
Honesty on the post care. I ask tough questions, I figure I get to with the price I am paying for the service. I ask exactly what to expect after the procedure; pain, side effects, mood, body function; everything. If I know beforehand, then when it is here, I am not surprised and accept it better.
I guess thats likely obvious stuff there, but if not, it works for me.
Take care and stay strong.
This is just a blip - you are going to bounce right back into your crazy workouts and eating right. It's hard now when you don't feel well - I think it's normal to look for food to make us feel better. Hang in there - it'll be over soon.
ReplyDeleteI think your handling things very well!! A cookie is merely a small bump on your road to health.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you'll be very happy to get the surgery over and done with. Hope you have a great weekend!
DO. NOT. QUIT.
ReplyDeleteThe good news is that this surgery is a pretty easy recovery. I was back exercising not long after. I had to take it easy and not over do it though. But I am sure you know all this being that your a doctor. LOL I always for get that when I post here. Sorry Doc!
ReplyDeleteOne cookie is nothing and it's better to have it and move on than torture yourself and end up eating 10!
My lap chole last year was what pushed me over the edge to change my eating habits. I'm not certain ifvwas knowing that my eating had precipitated the surgery or something about removing the offending organ, but I actually lost my taste for chocolate and meat with eyelashes ( go ahead, laugh, I still do 'cause it makes no sense). That info just to encourage you that eating should be ok, if not better! Sure, it will take a while to get back to your current level of exercise, but this isn't a race. No reason your weight loss won't continue throughout.
ReplyDeleteSorry that you have the extra issue with your airway. :( I know how disconcerting an awake intubation can be, but a really good anesthesiologist is essential and can make it an easy experience. (My sweetie is an expert in difficult airways.)
I tell you what Doc, give me your email and your phone number and in two weeks, I will hound you like you have never been hounded and you will get back to working out just to shut me up!!
ReplyDeleteHang in there and keep taking care of yourself. Celebrate your victory over the remaining dozen or so cookies. You deserve a treat now and then but you CONQUERED that batch of cookies instead of letting them conquer you.
ReplyDeleteYour hard work will pay off with a speedy recovery and you WILL be back on track (after you ALLOW yourself a chance to heal) because you know how GREAT you have been feeling, how you are kicking ass, and ranting when you need to right here in bloggy land and well you know, we all LOVE you and we will come down to Texas (Right folks??) and whip your butt if you do not get back on track!
ReplyDeletePS: How's that for a run on sentence, English majors??
Hey, eating one cookie is the way normal people eat, so in my book that is an NSV!
ReplyDeleteI know you are disgusted over being sidelined, but you have come so far already. Just be thankful for that right now and try not to stress over missing a few days of exercise. You'll be back, stronger than ever.
I feel your pain here doc, as you read. My spiral was not medically related, but it happened and I was stuck for a moment there with the dreaded whay if I'm at the point in the cycle where I start slipping and can't stop and then gain it all plus more back....again. But I think blogging helps and having this virtual support group will get you back on track when you get back on your feet. ;)
ReplyDeleteHoly crap I'm all stressed out just catching up on your blog. Breathe girl!!! It's a good thing you're younger...all that angst would do me in!!!
ReplyDeleteGB surgery isn't a picnic, but you sure don't want to go on like you are now. Don't worry about the back slide. Getting healthy only means you'll be able to go forward more efficiently when you're healed.
Breathe.
Smile.
Heal.