Well, it's official. I'm having surgery 2 weeks from today to get my stone ridden gallbladder removed. Yippee. We had to wait until then because my husband is out of town all next week at a big conference where he's giving a presentation. I wanted a Thursday to help decrease the amount of time off work. With flu season here (we had our first positive test today) I am getting busier and busier. This way I'll miss Thursday and Friday and Monday and hopefully be back Tuesday with a light schedule.
I do not want to do this. I do not. I wish it would just stop, but I'm pretty sure it won't. It sucks. Sometimes being a doctor and knowing all the bad things that MIGHT go wrong is a very very bad thing. But, I know my surgeon very well, we've worked together for years and he's one of the best at lap procedures in the area.
He's got to check with my ENT since I haven't had my airway checked in 7-8 months. He is worried that it could be a difficult intubation and getting a tube in me could be hard. It might. The first time I had the ablation they had to use the smallest pediatric tube because my airway was so narrowed. Soooo...belly surgeon will check with throat surgeon and let me know if we need to do anything before surgery. So excited because that probably means I need another layrngoscope where they go through my nose and look down into my throat. It doesn't take long, but I've had so many I hate it now. I'll do what I have to do though.
I got back from my appointment and started coordinating schedules with my NP and staff. We're getting it worked out and I'll have the office covered. I then called my "second mom" who said she'd be available to help out with kids and such. Now it's just a matter of waiting for the big day and trying not to gain too much weight and managing the pain.
Today I ate cheerios for breakfast. Lean cuisine fish for lunch. I don't know what dinner will be but it will likely be toast or soup. It WON'T be steak which is what I want. I was so nervous before my doctor's appointment my BP was high. It's NEVER high. Plus they used a regular sized cuff. DUH.
But......I had a slip. I must confess. I ate my lunch. I was nervous. There were cookies. I was alone in the office. No one was around. I ate one. I'm so disappointed in myself. You all know that is not something I do. Not usually ever and I wasn't even going to admit it to you all because I'm annoyed with myself. But, hiding it only hurts me as that is giving in to old behaviors. I think part of it is that I can't eat anything without pain. Nothing tastes good. I was nauseated and I was just looking for something to taste good and soothe my nerves. Also, I haven't been able to eat my fruit and yummy veggies and so I haven't been packing snacks. I know better! Geez Louise! I thought I was past that shit.
I guess the only bright side is that I enjoyed the cookie. I realized immediately what I had done. It did taste good, but I didn't go looking for more. I left all the rest of the cookies there on the platter. I didn't eat the potato chips. I didn't binge and I could have. So, I have learned some control, right?
I'm just so afraid that this will lead to some downward spiral of me giving up and quitting. I don't want to quit. I've come so far. I just worry because after my first throat surgery, I got really motivated, joined the gym, lost about 25 pounds. Then when it came back and I had to go on the steroids again and have another surgery, I just kinda gave up because the weight all came back. I know this is different, but I'm worried. I guess being aware of the possibility gives me the control and can help me get back on track as soon as I can.
It's just so frustrating because I know that my running and other exercise ability is going to take a step backward. It's going to be hard trying to get back to where I am. And I won't be able to run the 5K I had planed for next weekend. So disappointing. I might try the bike and see if I can tolerate that to try to keep my cardiovascular fitness up some which will help when I'm ready to get back at it.
Oh well. I 'm off to finish my charts for the day. I just love paperwork, or really it's computer work since we're electronic. Work is work, right? I still want to post a pic of my new lab coat. I'll try to get someone to take one later tonight.