I am so discouraged. I am frustrated and I don't feel good. I am tired of feeling this way. At least I have only a week until the surgery and I can get on with my life. I ate well yesterday. I was under budget. I gained a pound. It is soooo frustrating for me. Maybe my body is holding on to all the calories since I am sick? I don't know but I'm frustrated.
For me right now the mental game is hard to play. There is that nagging voice in me that is screaming that there is no use and I should just eat what I want. I should just put this whole thing on hold for a while until I feel better. But, I don't want to gain any more weight. I worked so hard to get where I am. With every pound I think, another week farther from my goal. And with every thought like that, the seeds of doubt are planted that I'll never make it to goal anyway.
I want to run. There is a part of me that feels like there is an alien in me. It is so foreign to have these thoughts. I want to run. I want to lift weights. I want my elliptical. WHAT? A few months ago this never even entered my mind. I've never pined for exercise. In fact I've done everything I could to avoid it. But, here I am wishing for it. Wanting it. Craving it. More than a pizza. More than ice cream. More than chocolate. More than peanut butter cookies hot from the oven with an ice cold glass of milk which is my absolute favorite thing in the whole wide world. Or at least it used to be.
So. I guess that change your brain crap I've been preaching is real. I guess I've found my NSV for today. I needed one. Badly.
Today I will move forward and past the disappointment on the scale. I have a lunch meeting and a meeting after work. I will focus on my work and drink my water. I will go home and deal with kids and homework and dishes and all the other Mommy stuff. I will eat when I should and choose the right things. And that will be enough for me for today. It has to be.