This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Workouts resume!

So far this week is cruising along and I'm trying hard to get back in the swing. I've been tracking my food and although I've been really hungry I've done pretty well on keeping my calories reasonable. I'm so happy to be able to eat fruits and veggies again!

I'm also so happy that water tastes good again. Thank goodness now it is so much easier to stay hydrated! I'm back to my 100+ ounces again and it really does make you feel better.

I have one more day on the steroids and then I hope to not need them for a VERY long time. My breathing is tons better. I still have a numb spot in my tongue but overall I'm pretty much over the surgery. Now I just have to rebuild my strength.

This week I'm back at it hard on the exercise front. It's not easy going back after nearly 3 weeks of not doing much of any exercise. I certainly learned a few things from this experience. One is that I should exercise even if it is very mild and slow and only a little. Although I'm certainly not back to where I was when I started working out I am definitely way behind where I was. However there really is something to that muscle memory stuff and I can feel my muscles and body waking up and getting going again.

Yesterday I rode the recumbent bike in the morning for thirty minutes. I did get pretty sweaty and my legs definitely felt it even though I did one of the easier programs. That's ok because I love sweating in the morning. It felt good just to get going again and know I'm getting back on track. I attended my TKD class and it was HARD for me. Today my legs and hips and even my feet are sore. The crunches were harder than usual and the push ups a bear, but I was able to do all of them. 20 pushups and 90 crunches. The pushups nearly did me in. I used to be able to do 20 without much trouble. But at least I got through the first 15 pretty easily.

The kicking was great. My body remembers how which is great. I have to admit I was nervous that I'd fall or make a fool of myself. Some of that old fear of exercising in front of people crept back in. But I did all of it, even the 360 roundhouse! The best part is that I could breathe great. I got winded but only because it was normal exertion and I'm getting used to things again. I didn't feel dizzy or like I was struggling to breathe at all. Yeah!

This morning I did another 30 min on the bike. At noon I'd planned to go to the gym but as I drove by the park I used to walk/run at this morning I found myself looking longingly at the path and the pond and wishing I could spend some time there. Then I thought why not just go at lunch. So I changed my clothes and drove back to the park. I restarted c25k AGAIN but I see it as a victory. I really enjoyed it as the weather was great and it felt so good to be able to do it again. Of course it wasn't a picnic as its been so long since I ran. The last 2 intervals were pretty difficult, but I finished it.

Tomorrow I will bike in the morning and then do TKD class at noon. I plan to run again on Friday. Next week I'll add back in some weight training and try to set up a session with my trainer.

To sum up: I can breathe! I'm off steroids tomorrow. My tongue is numb. And I'm working my way back to my regular exercise routine.

Now for the scale to get back where I was. Of course I know if I do the work results will follow. Hope your week is going well. Are you meeting your exercise goals for the week?

Monday, February 27, 2012

On my way again

Thanks to everyone for their words of support on my last post. It helped just getting those feelings out in the open and I've felt a bit better since. This weekend I've been trying to get back to "normal" and I'm starting to feel better. I have 4 more days on the blasted steroids and I'll be glad to be rid of them. Although there are side effects as you come off of them when you've been on them a while like I have. Still I am happy to be on my way back.

I will be returning to workouts this week and I think that will help immensely. I didn't do much this weekend. We had an event at TKD this weekend which I helped judge for the little kids. That was fun and the girls both got trophies. You'd think they'd won an Oscar they were so proud!  Saturday night we went to a friend's for dinner and it was great to just socialize and enjoy the evening. I made my sugar-free fruit pies so I had some yummy guilt-less dessert. Of course dinner was a yummy Stromboli so it was NOT guiltless. I did plan for the dinner though and ate only a protein bar and banana for lunch.

Yesterday I found myself extremely tired again. Likely another side effect on the downside of stopping the steroids. After breakfast, I went back to bed and slept until nearly 2pm!  I had planned a trip to Sam's because we're out of LOTS of things, but I just couldn't face the thought of that ordeal and the weekend crowd. Instead I sat around watching TV the rest of the day. I cooked dinner last night and then we all watched some Burn Notice on TiVo since we're still way behind. The kids played outside a lot yesterday and so the girls had to be hosed down before dinner. They were tickled to eat in their jammies and bathrobes.

Son started Track practice this morning so he had to be there by 7:15am. That means we're back to adjusting to early mornings again. That's OK though because I can get back in a routine of morning bike rides on my recumbent. I'm going to start that tomorrow morning. Back to TKD class tomorrow also. I'm looking forward to it and dreading it because I know I'll be so out of shape not having worked out in weeks. BUT, you have to start somewhere, right?

My attitude is improved and that is the key to success. Believing I can do this and keeping my mind right is so important. When they say that this journey is mostly mental, they aren't kidding. Having willpower to eat right and motivation to workout is not just a passive thing. It doesn't just happen. You have to find it in yourself. Good news is I know it's in there, it's just a matter of getting it going again.

So, today I ate a healthy breakfast and tracked my calories. I'm on my way again. Thanks so much for supporting me during this whole thing. I'm catching up on my reading and commenting. I'm so glad to have all of you to inspire me! Have a great Monday!

Thursday, February 23, 2012


I hate to even write this post and in fact that is why I haven't posted all week. I am in a steroid induced depressed, bloated, weight gaining carbohydrate funk that I cannot seem to stop. My only hope is to be off these steroids which will not happen for another week! I haven't posted all week because I hate to see posts from people whining about how bad things are and I feel like that's all I've done lately. But staying away from blogging and all of you doesn't help either. It just makes things worse.

On Monday I was better, but spent most of the day in bed. I was super tired and still having a lot of soreness with my swallowing. Tuesday I went back to work and I barely made it through the day. I was so tired, nauseated, throat sore. By the end of the day my voice hurt and I was beat!  I went to bed around 8:30pm that night. Good news is I slept great that night and woke up feeling better. So yesterday I felt like maybe I was turning a corner and starting to feel normal again. But last night I slept like crap and woke up today tired and irritable.

The steroids induce depression in some patients and it is certainly doing it to me. I've gained weight. I haven't weighed this week because I've been so down about it. I realized that I've been on and off steroids since Thanksgiving. Necessary, but frustrating.  Of course avoiding the scale doesn't help fix the problem either. I haven't worked out at all yet because I just haven't felt like it physically or emotionally. I feel like I am back to square one. Of course that isn't the case and I know this intellectually, but emotionally I feel like I am in a hole I can't escape. I know this attitude will change and I hope soon. I'm trying very hard today to think positively, but it's been really hard.

My tongue is still numb from the procedure. Feels like there is a rubber band around it all the time. Burns and tingles and hurts. I still have swelling in my tongue, mouth and throat, but it is getting better. I am breathing better although I can't tell the whole effect since I've done basically nothing for the past week.  I'm still eating like crap because I can't really eat salad or fruits or anything chunky. Water still tastes like chemical waste. But I'm hoping that when I'm done with the antibiotics that will improve.  I won't even go into the the other side effects that the antibiotics are causing, use your imagination.

So overall I had hoped to be better off than I am by now. I just didn't know my surgeon want another 2 weeks of steroids and I was disappointed and that frustrated me. I am committed to getting back to my healthy lifestyle. I want to. I know what to do, now if I can just do it. I'm trying not to beat myself up too much, but it's no good to wallow in it either. So that's where I'm at and that's where I've been. I'm reading all your blogs as usual and I'm living vicariously through your success so don't quit.

On a completely different note, hubbie and I are taking my son who LOVES music to see BB King tonight in concert. I'm very excited as I love the blues and he is an icon. I've always wanted to see him and he is getting older. So hopefully that will take my mind off the other crap at least for tonight.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Checking in

Slept a lot today. It's amazing to me how sore your muscles are after surgery. My neck hurts so bad, likely from the positioning during surgery. I'm bruised from the IV and my back is achy. Day two is always bad as all the general anesthesia is gone and the post-operative swelling begins.

But I feel somewhat better today over all. Definitely less nauseated and less woozy. The pain meds make me dizzy but that's ok because I'm spending most of my time in bed.

Good news is that even with the terribly sore and swollen throat I can tell there is improvement in my breathing already. I had to restart the high dose steroids today and as much as I hate them they do help.

My tongue is numb from the retractor. It feels like I have a very tight rubber band around it. It's not just numb and tingling but really hurts like when your foot is asleep, only no matter how many times I move it, it doesn't wake up.

My mom came over today to help with the kids. It's great to have her here entertaining them. It's been raining all day so they are a bit crazy with cabin fever. Poor things have to be kinda quiet when I'm trying to sleep. Nana has been playing games with them and now that I'm awake for a few minutes I told them to play Just Dance on the Wii so they can hop around and get some exercise. She cooked a roast very slow in the crock pot for us and it tasted so yummy. The veggies were soft and the meat was tender so I could eat some without hurting my throat too much.

She also was kind enough to pick up my new favorite ice cream. It's a store brand from Tom Thumb. Light mocha almond fudge! So good and less guilt. I'll have some in a bit. Cold stuff helps numb the throat.

Overall I'm doing ok and I can't wait to feel good and normal again! Take care and enjoy your weekend! Thanks so much for all the kind thoughts! It really means a lot!

Friday, February 17, 2012

Made it

Surgery went well. Took about an hour. My airway was 6mm. Bad news is he wants me on at least another week of high dose steroid. Boo! But he says it will reduce swelling and likelihood of scar from the procedure. I've got some good pain meds and a lot of help from husband and my mom so I'm resting. Thought I'd let you all know. I've got some pics and such to post later. Thanks for all the Well wishes!

Thursday, February 16, 2012


Tomorrow is the big day. Getting my airway back. Yippee!  Not so pleased that I have to be at the hospital by 5:30 AM. There's a REASON I'm not a surgeon, people. My mom is coming to stay with the kids and help Nanny get all 3 off to school as neither one of them are experienced in that particular chore. I'm hoping I'll be home well before noon and snoozing in my bed in a drug-induced haze.

This morning I went and bought more soup, crackers and jello for my post-surgery sore throat. I have some light ice cream in the freezer already. I'm not tracking right now and I won't be until I can get through this surgery.  I have to admit even I get a bit nervous.  I wrote about it on my "real life" blog. If you are interested you can read it here.

Today has been a REAL challenge. Luckily my board (bored) meeting didn't last as long as I was afraid it would. I was home before 9pm and that's GREAT!  I really enjoyed all the comments yesterday. I haven't had time to reply yet. I keep forgetting I can do that. I felt better all day yesterday until the evening when my stomach started bothering me and I started getting tired. By the time I got home, I was tired but not sleepy. We watched Revenge, which BTW is a really good show, and then to bed. I couldn't sleep. So I watched Jon Stewart and Colbert. Then I finally dosed off. I slept terribly last night. Tossing and turning and coughing. Fitbit says I woke up 9 times in less than 6 hours.

By the time the alarm went off getting out of bed was almost a relief. Ever have those nights where you just feel like you were in battle all night? Well that was me. I was groggy, and coughing and grumpy. Coffee helped but not a lot. My morning was super busy and by the time lunch rolled around I was beat. I went home had some soup and laid down for  about 45min. Didn't sleep but felt better and I've managed to navigate the rest of the day. Now I'm off to pick up kids and the usual routine and I'm hoping early bedtime. My daughter went back to school today so at least that was a relief.

I wish I could think of something witty and inspiring to say, but it's just not in me today. So sorry.   Instead I'll just leave you with this. Whatever your goals, whatever your dreams you can have them. You just have to believe you can and then DO what you need to. Notice I said NEED  not what you WANT. Doing what you WANT to do rarely gets you anything significant because significant achievements take WORK. I don't know about you but I don't always WANT to do the work. I sure enjoy the rewards when I do though.

Have a good night!  I'll post when I can.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

A better day.....and Tune out the Noise.

I am feeling surprisingly better today. I decreased the dose of steroid yesterday and I think that is helping. Also my stomach feels better today. I haven't had the constant pain and that is a blessing. I've been so sick with that. I feel almost normal except I can't breathe when I move much. That's ok though because I know that will be fixed soon. I'm not eating very well, but I'm not worrying about that right now. Just getting through the next few days and then I'll be able to re-focus on healthy eating and working out.

Last night I went to pick up my son from Taekwondo and I sat watching what is usually my class with longing. Oh how I wanted to be in there kicking and punching and learning. But I know I can't do it now. I woke up today and felt better, so that gave me hope. I need to move. My muscles and joints are aching and I'm stiff. It's all because I haven't been working out, I know.  I need to stretch and I've done a little, but not much. Can't wait to be able to start again. But, then I know you're tired of hearing all that.

Valentine's Day was a simple day for us. My husband made me a card with pictures of the kids on it, which I thought was very sweet. After 20years together he isn't required to buy flowers and all that. Besides they jack up the prices SO much at this time of year. I think that women want flowers so that their friends will be jealous mainly. I mean I love flowers, don't get me wrong, but I'm very secure in my relationship. I'd be upset if he did nothing, but I don't require a huge bouquet and certainly not chocolates.   I hate, absolutely HATE going out on Valentine's Day. It's always sooooo crowded and especially on a week night. I'll save my date night for a more relaxing time, thank you.

The kids had cupcakes and candy and such. I got them each a PEZ and that's it. They don't need a ton of stuff. My in-laws sent a few little gifts and that is sufficient. My daughter is better and I hope will go back to school tomorrow. I have a board meeting tonight and will probably not get home until late.  Then I just have to get through tomorrow and then my surgery. I just want it over with.

And now......some Random Thoughts:

1.  Wearing sunglasses while talking to someone is rude unless you are on the beach.  I can't believe how many people don't take off their dark shades in my office. I hate it. What are you hiding anyway?  It isn't cool, even for Jack Nicholson. Take the things off and look at me when I'm talking to you, dang it.
2.  Parenting is challenging. I think I MAY have mentioned this once or twice before, but just in case I'll reiterate . So yesterday I sent my daughter to school in a cute little long sleeved shirt with red hearts on it for Valentine's day. This is my youngest and the most.....interesting. Later that afternoon, a friend of mine whose daughter is also in the same class sent me a picture of the two girls at the party since I couldn't be there. I noticed right away that my daughter was in a SLEEVELESS tank top. WTH? So I think, well maybe she spilled something on her other shirt. When I ask her about this she admits that NO, she put that shirt on UNDER the other shirt when I wasn't looking in case she got "hot". I think she just wanted to wear the tank top. So I had to have a long discussion about sneaking a shirt to school is the same as lying to Mommy and that I was very disappointed that she lied to me. Plus I told her she's lucky the principal didn't see her because those kinds of shirts are against the rules and she might get in trouble in school. Sigh....good grief. Now her teacher thinks I sent her to school in that thing in FEBRUARY on a pretty rainy morning. Fabulous. I never expected to win mother of the year. Good thing. Plus this child is SIX. Lord help me.
3.  What is with anonymous commenters getting all critical and yelling at bloggers? I do not get that. At. All. If you don't like what someone writes, don't read it again. And if you're going to criticize someone have the balls to man up to your identity. Lately I've seen a ton of posts from bloggers getting ripped by who knows who for all kinds of stuff. That's just nuts. Don't these people have better things to do with their time?  I haven't allowed open comments for that reason. If you aren't willing to tell me who you are, I really do not care what you have to say.
4.  Lentils are awesome.  I never really had lentils until recently.  Lately Nanny has been making lentil soup almost once a week. It is yummy and healthy and I am really impressed that I've discovered a new food.
5.  People who use the last square of toilet paper and don't change the roll are NOT cool. And listen, even if it isn't the last square, if you can see the cardboard THROUGH the paper, it's likely time to at least be sure there's a back up roll within reach of the potty so the next person can get to it if needed.
6.  Why do you care what people think?  Recently I was talking to someone about going to a movie by myself. This person said they could NEVER do that because people would think she's a loser. Really? So am I a loser because I went to the movie by myself? And who gets to judge who's a loser and who isn't?  Here's the deal.  It just doesn't matter what others think. The only thing that matters is how you feel about yourself.  You are the one who should decide what's right for you. I outgrew this kind of thinking in about 10th grade. Emotionally mature people are self confident enough to know that what others think is just that...what they THINK. It's an opinion, nothing more. And unless that person is important to me, then their opinion is NOT important. Move on. There are many more important things to do with your time than worry about what someone thinks about you.  Keep the focus on YOU being the best YOU that YOU THINK you can be. All the rest is just NOISE. The noise is distracting you from achieving your goals and being who you want to be. Tune it out.

Alright, that's all my random thoughts for today. I'm off soon to my stupid boring long board meeting. Please comment so I'll have something to distract me from the meeting. Plus, I'll look all important receiving emails all evening, right? But wait....I'm not supposed to care what people think. Ha ha. No really I just get bored and love to hear from all of you. I'll admit it just makes my day to get comments. I love all your support you've been giving me lately. Thanks so much!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I'm still here.......Happy Hearts Day

Yes. I'm still here. Sorry I haven't posted in days. I'm just biding time until I can get the surgery on Friday and get off these steroids. My stomach is killing me from them despite taking plenty of stomach meds, but I cannot stop them until after the surgery to reduce swelling. So.....I'm stuck.

I'm up about 5-6 pounds depending on the day and while I'm frustrated with that I feel like it could be worse. I have not been eating well as my stomach pain just won't permit it. I've had toast and crackers and soup. I can't really tolerate much fresh veggies or fruit now. Meat is also a problem. If I can get past the weird taste bud side effect, it kills my stomach. So...I'm still in carb city. However I see the exit sign and soon I can get back on the healthy highway.

I'm not working out now. I just can't. Pretty much I go to work, go home and rest at lunch, then work and home at night to rest. All is well at home other than my middle daughter is still sick today. She even missed her Valentine's Party, poor thing. Nanny made cupcakes with her this morning so that helps a bit. She still has fever, low grade and a terrible cough with her bronchitis. Hopefully she'll be better very soon. It just sucks when your kids are sick.

The weekend was good and just as I planned uneventful. We watched a few movies and some TiVo and I mainly stayed in bed. Other than doing the girls Valentine's and making their boxes for school parties, we did very little. I made turkey tacos on Sunday and they tasted great, but I paid with the stomach pain that night. Plus my daughter was in my bed as she was pretty sick that night, so no sleep then. I'm tired, but surviving.

I'm still reading and commenting on blogs so I'm around. I'm still inspired by so many of you staying on track with your exercise and diet goals. Makes me jealous to get back on track with the rest of you. I miss my workouts desperately. Sooooooo weird to me as I never, ever thought I'd be one of those whiny patients who are complaining about not being able to go to the gym. Those patients always got on my nerves because I saw them as putting their vanity before their health. NOW I have really changed that view. Working out and going to the gym is part of a healthy and happy life. Without it I don't feel as good. I really get it now. And I WANT IT BACK. Soon......very soon.....

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. I hope you all are not putting things on hold or "it's only once a year"-ing yourselves into something that you can't handle. Be very careful. I know indulgences for one day sometime lead to binges and detours I wish I hadn't taken. Be sure you don't end up with a bunch of candies or treats sitting around the house and setting yourself up for disaster.  That being said.....I did have a chocolate covered strawberry today. My FAVORITE treat. One is OK, right? AND it is fruit.

Oh and I almost forgot.....I got the best news the other day. My godmother called and said she got a clean bill of health, she is cancer free.  Good news. She's completed all her therapy and now it's just a matter of monitoring.  Good news!

Have a great Valentine's Day!

Friday, February 10, 2012


Not much to say today. Still struggling with my breathing, but I'm tired of talking about that. My eating isn't great and I can't work out. Blah blah blah. I'm still on steroids and I'm having a lot of pain in my tummy, likely getting gastritis/ulcer from the steroids. But in only 6 days all that should be better. There are MUCH worse health problems and I will take what I've got. No borrowing trouble for me. A friend of mine from high school just found out her brain tumor is back again so I will pray for her and be thankful my health is as good as it is.

Weekend will be boring as my middle kiddo is home with croup today. We won't do much because of that and because I really can't do much. I see a TiVo weekend on the agenda for me. I'm going to rest and not feel guilty about it, dang it.

Speaking of rest, I got an unexpected day off yesterday. That NEVER happens, but some weirdness in the cosmos combined and I only had 2 patients in the morning. By 10:30am I was done. All my work caught up. (Cue Twilight Zone Theme song )  The afternoon had only 3 patients and my NP had only 1 ! So I had my staff move my afternoon and I took off the rest of the day. This happens rarely, rarely and I wasn't going to waste it. I left the office and drove straight to the movie theater. I saw Chronicle, which is a decent Sci-Fi movie, but a bit slow. Afterwards I went home and got in bed. I rested the whole rest of the day and watched TV. Total slugville and I don't care.

Last night I didn't sleep great. The breathing wakes me up at night now and it sucks so I was tired. Then my daughter got up sounding like a sick sea lion, so I decided she'd better stay home. I headed to work after getting the other 2 off to school. My schedule was business as usual today and I'm just now finishing up in the office. I'm heading home tonight to hang with the kiddos. Husband has a beer date with his college buddy tonight. Good for him.

 I wanted to take son to see Star Wars in 3D, we'll see if it happens. Do you plan to see it? He is SO excited about it. I am indifferent. I LOVE Star Wars, but I don't know about the whole 3D experience. We'll see. I'm dying to see the new ghost story Woman in Black. Anyone seen that yet? Looks really scary. I love scary stuff.  Let me know if you've seen it.

What's on your agenda for the weekend? I'm thinking crock pot something for tomorrow. I know I'm in no mood to cook. Gotta think of something. I don't want fast food. Icky. Hope you all have a good and healthy weekend!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Random Thoughts........

1.   My surgery is officially scheduled for Friday the 17th. Is it weird that I'm looking forward to it? Not just   because I'll be able to breathe, but also because I'll have 3 days of rest? As a working Mom it is so rare to have down time where nothing is expected of me. Where there's a rule not to bother Mommy. I can watch what I want on TV, sleep when I want, and even not get out of bed if I want. Sad but true. The surgery is old hat to me. This is the 4th time. Usually I have a really sore throat for a couple of days and I'm really tired, but then it's good. Should be a piece of cake when compared to my gallbladder last year.

2. I ate a lot of carbs yesterday. Seriously these steroids are driving me insane. Absolutely everything tastes like crap except crackers, toast and chicken noodle soup. Sigh..... Plus I think my stomach is starting to hate them. I'm having a lot of stomach pain like when I had an ulcer before. Sigh...For now I'm doing the best I can.  This morning I hate an incredible urge to drive thru Whataburger and get a nice big sticky Cinnamon roll covered with icing. I really wanted to. Bad. But, I didn't. I ate an apple instead. Not the same, but crisis adverted.

3.  I went to Taekwondo class yesterday and it was not pleasant. I so so so so so want to be able to work out! The doctor said I could do what I can tolerate. I went to class and found out it's not much. I almost walked out during the warm up, but I hung in there. I made it through crunches and push ups, but the kicking drills were a bear. I kept getting winded and dizzy with the turning kicks so I had to just stand there and breathe. It's just so frustrating. I made it through class and then went home and collapsed so I don't know how much working out I'll be able to do between now and my surgery. We'll see.  I will say it felt good to sweat and that I haven't forgotten everything. It's amazing how much your body remembers. I just worry that I'll end up back where I was. I don't want that, and I KNOW I won't, but it still worries me.

4. Why is it that 30 seconds before it is time to get in the car my daughter's dental hygiene suddenly becomes her top priority?  I mean she has all morning, plenty of time to brush her teeth and every day she waits until the last minute and wants to spend time admiring her teeth and brushing and flossing and rinsing!  Today I told her she had to go RIGHT then or walk to school. She started crying and said, "BUT I don't want CAVITIES!  My teeth are important. You SAID so!"  Great.....so ME being the wonderful parent told her I didn't care if all her teeth fell out, she wasn't going to make us late. Then she started HOWLING that I didn't care if she had teeth. Sigh.....In the car we had a long discussion about time management.

5. It's never good when you ask your 6 year old how school was and they answer, "Well.......it was....OK. No. No. I mean....great. I had a really great day." Mommy alarms, warning bells, full on defcon 3 alerts go off. So I said, "What does THAT mean, exactly? Did you get in trouble?"  Her: Seriously mom, I don't think I have the energy to get into it right now. Let's just say I did something, it's over and that's it. Me: breathing deep, counting to ten Her: OK so I was playing outside on the playground and this boy was chasing me and annoying me and I kinda...like...round-housed him. Me: So you kicked him? Her: Just a little. But then he left me alone. The teacher didn't see, but she told us both to be nice, so now I'll be nice if he is.   The moral of this story is that parenting is challenging and sometimes it's really hard not to laugh.

6.  Sometimes it's really hard not to think, "What's the point?"  I'm having that thought a lot right now and it's not something I'm proud of. I am just frustrated with these steroids. I am bloated and I've gained weight and I can't workout and it's so easy just to think, "What's the point?"  And then.....my rational brain kicks in and says to me:  The POINT, you idiot, is that being healthy is NOT something you can do just when things are easy. There will be times when you're sick, down, irritable, stressed. There will be times when you cannot workout or you're hurt or you're busy. You can't pick and choose when it is convenient to live a healthy lifestyle. THAT'S the whole POINT, isn't it?  That this is NOT a program or a diet. It's not something you'll do until goal and then be normal. The POINT is that IF you mean what you keep saying and this is for LIFE then, guess what?  IT'S for ALL of your life. So suck it up. No one is perfect. Do the best you can. But, do NOT make excuses. Lot's of people have it worse than you. 

OK that's all my randomness today. Hope you are enjoying your week!

Monday, February 6, 2012

It's Official......

It's official. I saw my ENT today and I'll be having surgery in the next 2 weeks. Just have to see when I can get on the surgery schedule. He said the blockage (subglottic stenosis) in my upper airway is back, nearly as bad as the first time in 2007. Of course it's been since August 2009 when I had the last surgery and he says it is a testament to my improved cardiovascular state that I've been able to tolerate the decreased airflow this long. That's an NSV I suppose in a twisted way.

The way they diagnose it is to put a little flexible tube with a video camera up your nose, down the back of your throat and into your airway. So that's what I had done today. It is uncomfortable. I hate it. They do spray the numbing medicine in and it helps, but that stuff burns like fire down your nose and mouth. Then it numbs all the way down my throat and I can't swallow right for about an hour after. The bitter medicine rolls down into my stomach and makes me nauseated. It's just icky. But, luckily it doesn't last long.   He didn't take pics today, but I found these from the surgery in 2007. It'll give you some idea of what I've got.

The picture in the upper right hand corner is before the procedure.That tiny little hole is what I breathe through. If you head straight down that hole you'd hit my trachea and then lungs.  This is about the size of a baby's airway. The picture in the upper left hand corner is the picture after the laser burns away the scar tissue. That is about 2/3 of what a normal adult airway should be but you can see it's a huge improvement.  The other 2 pics show after the doctor inserted a balloon to dilate the area before the laser. After the laser he injects medication into the area to try to reduce swelling and future scarring.

 So let me get this straight.....I am in better shape so now that I get less oxygen I don't have symptoms and pass out as quick. Cool.  Frankly I don't care, but I'm tired of feeling like I might pass out, getting dizzy easily and short of breath with any activity, climbing stairs, exercising or just when talking a lot. Frankly I feel like I did before I used to work out and it's pissing me off. I've come a long way and this condition erases all of the good strong feelings I worked so hard to achieve. My hope is that as soon as the thing is fixed, I can resume my hard workouts and get back on track again.

We don't know why I get this and this will be the 4th time I've had to have the procedure. Usually this is a congenital problem seen in kids. In adults it's almost always a results of trauma to the airway or being on a breathing machine. I've had neither of those. I've had lots of tests to see if I have things like Lupus or rheumatoid arthritis and they are always negative, at least for now, thank God. I do have mild acid reflux although the doc says the evidence of it is mild and doesn't explain the severity of my case. Oh well. Sometimes in medicine we don't know why. I know that as well as anyone.

I have to stay on the steroids until after surgery to reduce swelling in the airway. Luckily the surgery is simple and there is a quick recovery. Usually my throat is just super sore for a couple of days. I'll have the surgery on Friday and be back to work on Monday or Tuesday depending on what time the case is scheduled.

On another note.....I weighed in today and I am up 2 pounds from where I was pre-steroid, but down 2 from last week. I worked hard over the weekend to keep my appetite in check. This medicine makes you insanely irrationally hungry.  I'll admit to a small bite sized chocolate bar yesterday.  Over all though we stuck to our plan for Superbowl Sunday. We made our Flatout wrap pizzas. The kids love making their own. It's a lot of pizza for just a little over 300calories with the toppings. I had 3 hot wings, 190calories and water. I did allow myself a diet Mountain Dew which is not something I do much, but it tasted so good. For dessert I had some grapes. Overall I think I did well, not perfect, but pretty good and I enjoyed my Superbowl this year just as well as in years past when I gorked on junk.

I enjoyed the game. It was a really exciting one and well played. I guess I was rooting for the Giants since they are a fellow NFC team, but really I didn't care much. Just enjoyed the game.  I always feel a little bittersweet saying goodbye to my favorite sport until August. Sigh....I do watch the commercials although they are not the highlight for me. Overall I'd say I was disappointed compared to other years, but it was OK. The girls loved dancing around watching the half time show.

I didn't work out this morning. I'm going to try to do some tomorrow depending on how I feel. Doc says I'm not going to damage myself, but he doesn't want me passing out. Says I can do what I feel like so we'll see. After the procedure today there's some swelling. I feel it and I've had a tired day and real trouble breathing this afternoon. A bit of a headache from the anesthesia also. I think I'll go home and rest tonight.  I didn't do great eating today. This morning I had my eggbeaters sandwich with onion, peppers and pepper jack cheese. Then an apple for snack. But, after the procedure my throat felt weird. I decided that for lunch I was having frozen yogurt. So I stopped and had a big one with fruit on top. Not horrible, but not great. Then this afternoon I ate half a bagel. I have discussed my love for bagels before. I was nauseated and .......well....I just plain wanted it. Damn you carb craving steroid maniac.

My daughter did get her purple belt. I'm so proud of her. She worked hard to learn all the material. She is 7 years old, but she has to learn all the material I learned. She worked hard and she got her forms nearly perfectly on the exam. Now she's psyched about being in Mommy's class so I'll have to try to go at least once with her this week. Of course, my youngest daughter is a bit jealous.....we try we try we try as parents, don't we?

Alright so that's all for me today. I'm just tired of talking about my problems. I'd like to hear about your weekend and how you've been doing. I've been reading your blogs and trying to comment. How was your Superbowl Sunday? Did you watch the game? What commercials did you like? What did you eat?

Friday, February 3, 2012

On the Mend

Feeling better!  24 hours after the steroids I started to feel better. I hate that crap, but it works. I got winded last night going up and down the stairs trying to get stuff together for my daughter for school today. Today is the 100th day of school and the kindergarteners always dress up like 100 year olds. It's adorable. We put her in a dress with white gloves and bun in her hair, little purse and a cane. We used baby powder to make her hair gray. Too cute.

I'm not weighing, but I can tell I'm up a pound or two, water retention already from the steroids. I haven't worked out all week and it's really getting to me. Now that I'm feeling better I think I can restart, maybe something easy like a walk or the bike. We'll see how I do over the weekend. I'm hoping to get back to TKD next week. I REALLY want to go tonight, but I know I'm not ready. Dang it. At least I'll see the doctor on Monday.

I'm drinking water but it tastes so nasty, with lemon and every way. Stupid medicine! I'm doing my best to keep my calories down. These steroids make you crave carbs like a raving lunatic. So far I've suppressed it with a little extra fruit.

No big plans for the weekend and that is a relief. I am going to rest and let my breathing improve. My daughter has her belt test in the morning. Daddy and son have a camp out Saturday and are going fishing. Sunday we'll watch the Super Bowl. Hubbie suggested a great dinner. Last week we made pizza on flat-out bread with lots of veggies. Really great for low cal pizza! So we're going to do that again.

I'm so proud of him lately. He's been really watching his food intake, asking me how many calories is this or that.  But still not tracking himself. Talking about starting to workout. Maybe he's finally coming around and getting serious. I hope so. He needs to lose weight and get healthy just like me. It will be easier to do together.  I'm trying to convince him to get on here and check out some of the guy bloggers, but I think he thinks it's silly. To each his own. I don't care as long as he's moving in the right direction. We're thinking of getting an elliptical. Any suggestions out there?

Have you ever tried those Flat Out wraps? They are 100 cal and lots of fiber. The pizzas are great and fill my desire for pizza without the carbs and calories. Hope you all have a good weekend! Take care!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Oh the Irony.

Good lord this week sucks. At least my little girl's ear is better. No more fever so back to school today. However my son still sound's like an old man with smoker's cough. He's getting better, but NOW I'm getting it. Dang it. Why is it I can be around sick people all day every day and be FINE until my home gets contaminated and then I'm doomed? I went to bed early with a sore throat. I'm coughing worse now and I'm full of mucous. I hate mucous. Truly. I do. I can handle blood, poop, pee, and all sorts of variations, but have a patient hack a wad of mucous in front of me and ....ewww!

I called and got an appointment with my ENT for Monday as my breathing is worse and the inhalers aren't helping like they used to. I cry uncle. I'll get the surgery. Now it's a matter of getting on the schedule for the laser for my subglottic stenosis or upper airway scar tissue.

I'm back on prednisone because that seems to be the only way I can breathe. I didn't work out this morning I coughed all night and feel like crap. That's also why I didn't blog twice. I'm failing this challenge. Sigh. Anyhoo....I didn't go to TKD yesterday as my breathing had started getting bad and I knew better. Now that the scar tissue in my airway is bad again, the inhalers don't help much. That means when I get winded I can't do much but try to slow my breathing down and sit down. If I'm still I'm OK. So frustrating for me now that I WANT to exercise. How ironic.

I have an appointment to get my hair done at lunch and I really don't want to go, but I have to because it's hard to get those lunch time appointments. So I'll go and snooze in the chair if needed. I have my ipad so I can read and I brought my lunch. Although I don't really feel like eating. That's just plain weird to even think for me.

Today I've had yogurt with berries and coffee for breakfast. One of my whole wheat muffins for mid morning snack. I brought an Atkins shake and some fruit for lunch. I'm trying to drink my water, but it tastes so nasty on the prednisone. I thought I had some crystal light at work, but I guess I'm out. Have to restock.

I'm super tired of people asking for diet pills lately. As if there's a magic pill. Do these people think I'd be fat if there were?? And I guess since I'm still fat they look at me and think, "where does she get off telling me to exercise."  Well, nowadays I can nip that in the bud with an explanation of my workouts and my weight loss and all that stuff. Shuts up that , "I just don't have time" excuse pretty quick.  It also changes the way they look at me. Don't judge a book by the 60 pounds overweight I am! You don't know where I've been....

Anyway I didn't even really want to post because I have so much negative news, but Oh well. That's life. I'm reading and trying to comment so keep your posts coming. They help me stay on track on not just throw in the towel and give up. It would be easy to say, what's the point, when I'm on these steroids. But, I'm not. Never give up. Never stop trying.

Progress to TouchDown and GOALLLL!!