This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Kiss My Ass.... and....Are you Willing?

My butt hurts. Sorry, but it does. Yesterday, I was already sore from TKD class. THEN, I ran week 8 day 3 of C25K. THEN, I worked out with my trainer for an hour. And now....My butt hurts. It hurts to sit, it hurts to stand, it hurts to bend, it hurts to lean, it hurts to......you get the idea.

It's OK though, because it's a good hurt. It means I've been doing what I'm supposed to be doing. MOVING. I've been exercising. My poor ass has been used to doing nothing but sitting there for so long, no wonder it hurts. But, I'm proud of it. It's a reminder. It shouts to me: "Keep moving or next time it'll hurt more. DON'T EAT THAT. I'm big enough already. Where would you be without me, huh? You'd better respect me now. Keep strengthening me and shaping me up. I help you with balance, did you forget? I help you with stairs and squats and just plain standing. You better remember to take care of me!" And so.... I now will respect my ass. I promise not to forget it in my exercise or stretching routines.

Yesterday with the trainer I bench pressed 70 pounds, that's free weights. Not the machine assist. Free weights. I did leg presses-80 pounds. I did bicep curls and shoulder presses-15pounds each arm. I did push ups and One leg balance touch downs with the 15 pound weights. I did step up burpees. Where you stand on a step and have to jump up and down with the burpee part in between the jumping. 25 of them. Ouch.

The only thing that pisses me off is I still struggle with REAL sit ups. I can do crunches all day. But, real sit ups, no. I still have fat chick back problems, although it's better than 40 pounds ago. I am so irritated by the fact that there are things I want to do, things I think I can do, but my body just can't yet. Ugh.

And, why do I let it bother me so much? Shouldn't I focus on all the good stuff I did, not the 1 thing I had trouble with? I still did sit ups by the way, but I had to use a band to help me a little. Is it good that I'm so hard on myself? Or is it discouraging? Where's the balance between drive and overdrive? I feel I am honestly working as hard as I can exercise wise. I didn't this morning, but I swear to God, I'm not sure I could've. For one thing I wasn't home until 9:30pm after my Board meeting last night. By the time I got home and did home stuff, I didn't get to bet until nearly midnight. My alarm went off at 5:30am. I just couldn't go anymore and I was so tired. I just laid there willing myself to move. I hate this talk as I feel it sounds like excuses. Ugh.

Yesterday I wrote about struggling with food and taking power over it. I got a lot of comments about how some of you are still struggling. Some of you have been at this a long time, others just starting. None of us are perfect. I am not perfect, that is for sure. There are still times where I want to drive thru somewhere and just order something terrible. There are times I get pissed because it seems so unfair that I am burdened with having to count every single freakin calorie and others just eat whatever the hell they want and stay slim. There are times I have a pity party and feel like this is all too hard and WHY do I have to be this way? Why am I being punished?

And then, I give myself the mental shake and kick in the ass. As IF NEVER BEING ABLE TO PIG OUT AND EAT ALL THE CRAP I WANT IS SOME SORT OF BURDEN. NO! It's normal. Here's something that WE as fat people do not get.


They don't. No. I'm serious. They don't. And those that do SHOULDN'T. It's not good for anyone no matter their size. AND they work out. They do. Ask some skinny people you know. Watch how they eat. Yea, some of them eat like pigs and don't work out, but you might be surprised what you find out.

Here's another thought: Don't buy stuff or bring stuff in your house that you you don't need or shouldn't have or that will tempt you. Just. Don't. Do. It. I hear a lot of my patients telling me that it's so hard because they have to buy cookies or chips or other junk for their kids or spouse. No you don't. You don't. That crap is what made you fat. Do you really want to be feeding it to your kids or husband? Even if they don't have a weight problem, do they need to eat junk? No.

Here's the other thing: This takes practice. The more you do it, the easier it gets. When you were a kid, did you ALWAYS remember to brush your hair or teeth or floss? NO. Mom or Dad reminded you. Told you over and over, "Brush your teeth." "Comb your hair." Now, as a grown up, it's something you do. You do it everyday. Even when you don't feel like it. It wasn't habit, but now it is.

Well....that's what we're doing. We are learning to do something that isn't habit yet. The only way to get it to be habit is to do it, over and over and over and over and over and over. To do it and not stop. Day after day. If you give in and binge, you are not teaching your brain to stop craving junk. You're telling your brain, "If you whine enough, I'll give it to you."

My son was about 3 years old. I was on my way to a Christmas party. I'd forgotten my camera. I ran into Walgreen's to buy a disposable. My son sees this shiny Christmas pencil with a Santa head on top. He asked if he could have it. I said, "Yes, if you are good." So at the checkout, he sees the candy. He wants one. "No. Not now, it's almost dinner time." He proceeds to throw a fit. A screaming, yelling fit. I tell him, "You either stop NOW or the pencil goes back." He didn't stop. He still doesn't have that damned pencil. What did he learn? Well... he's almost 13. He knows if Mom says "No." Mom means it.

I treat my emotional food cravings as if they were my 3 year old son. There's a part of me that is stomping her feet and screaming, "I WANT IT!" But, then there's the parent me, "Not now. It's not good for you." Every time I give in to that little brat, she wins. Damage is done. A chip at my resolve.I am discouraged. I gain weight. I feel sick. It was hard at first to control myself, but it is so much easier now. NOW it is ALMOST habit for me.

You have to start out slow. Did I give my 2 year old the giant electric fancy toothbrush and say, "Go at it." ? No. I started with the tiny toothbrush and bubblegum toothpaste. At first I did it for her, then she learned how. Now she's 5 and she knows how to brush. It's not perfect. But, she knows how now.

The committed ready part of you has to teach the still wanting to stray part how to eat. How to exercise. That means you may need to be very strict and structured for a while. Plan all your meals. Only buy healthy things. Clean out the pantry. DON'T EAT OUT. It means you have to, I mean HAVE TO, stick to healthy eating for a long time. Every. Single. Day. IF your goal is to make this habit. A real lifestyle change. A thing you do without struggle. Without deliberation. Without bargaining. Without guilt. Without frustration.

And if you want exercise to feel natural to you, you have to do it. Every day. Or close to it. The more you do, the more you can. The less you do, the less you can. You can't "be good" for a while and then, "slack off" and then "be good". You CAN NOT BE CONSISTENT ENOUGH when it comes to exercise. That doesn't mean you have to do the same thing every time you workout. But that you have a routine of working out. It's in your schedule. A part of your life. Breathe. Blink. Pee. Poop. Eat Healthy. Drink Water. Sleep. Exercise. They should all be a natural part of your life.

And so if you are still struggling, ask yourself: What is my goal? What do I really want? How bad do I want it? If your answer is not, "I want to be healthy and lose weight and I am willing to do WHATEVER it takes to get there" well.....you are not going to see consistent weight loss. You're not going to meet goals you set.

Let me be clear. I am not being judemental. I know that there are times where we all make mistakes. Having that attitude of whatever it takes, does NOT mean there won't be times when you mess up. But it is a shift in attitude.

I will exercise even when I'm sore. Even when there is no time. Even if I don't get to watch my favorite show.

I will eat healthy things, even when I want the hot wings or cake or candy. I might not be able to go to THAT restaurant. I might not EVER be able to buy THOSE chips.

I might have less time "to myself" IF ANY. I might irritate my husband from time to time. I might miss eating out at lunch with the girls from the office because I have to go to the gym. I might have to pass up that cute pair of shoes because my running shoes need replaced.

It means I might never get to make a batch of cookies and eat them straight from the oven with an ice cold class of milk. Not ever again. Because I'll eat the WHOLE pan.

It means I might have to tell the kids NO when they want to buy donuts for Sunday morning breakfast. It means they might whine when I throw away Halloween candy or not buy THAT cereal.

It means that I am WILLING to do WHATEVER it takes to be HEALTHY. So I can live a long time and enjoy my life and teach my children to do the same. So I can help other people. Make the world a better place. Because if I don't do this........

None of it will happen. I won't be around. It's just that simple.

Are you willing?


  1. ah, the healthy sore-ness - great stuff!

    I don't buy the excuse either that moms have to buy crap for their family. It's not like my kids are gonna go buy crap and bring it home. My b/f sure as heck doesn't do any grocery shopping. They eat what I stock. He may go out and grab something once in a while, but for the most part he eats what we have at home too. I don't take my youngest shopping, she'll ask for sugary crap. I take my teenager - she's very health conscious (more than me) - probably because we both have a sensitive stomach. I think both girls are learning the importance of not eating a ton of crap when at their friend's houses - both have come home with stomach aches previously - "Mom, we had pizza, and ice cream, and uggghhh mom it was too much to handle". This doesn't mean our panty is PERFECT, it's not... we have cookies once in a while, etc - but it's not always stocked so everyone knows hey, we probably won't get cookies again for 2 weeks so we better just eat one.

    During my vball tournaments I will have to say I'm the one with most of the unhealthy stuff. My teammates will have veggies, fruit, granola, water, while I'm loading up on coke & beef jerky to get through the day. My dad is a stick - he eats a ton of food however he works out 2 hours a day. There is always a compromise somewhere with those "skinny people" out there...

  2. Yes, I am willing. Husband said just yesterday that he doesn't eat Cheetos any more. We just don't buy them. We just can't make a commitment to get healthy and still eat junk. And the exercise? If I don't get to take my walk/run, then my day is not complete. I am out of sorts if I miss more than one day. It's hard, but it's so worth it!

  3. I love comparing that little voice to a whiny three year old! That is awesome! I hope it comes to mind next time I am tempted.

    I would say I stuggle less and certainly not for as long as I did. It is getting easier, but I know I am one slice of cheesecake away from a full on binge. That has lept me in check. I have over eaten aon a few occasions, but they are getting less frequent and easier to recover from.

    Way to go at kicking your own ass! Love it!

  4. I'm not the primary shopper and I'm debating throwing out inappropriate items like chocolate chip cookies when they show up. It's not very thrifty but it has to be better than eating them.

  5. Preach it, sistah! The one that spoke to me today was: Don't buy stuff or bring stuff in your house that you you don't need or shouldn't have or that will tempt you. Just. Don't. Do. It.

    I'm feeling a little weak in the determination department, so I'm going to lean on your strength today, 'kay?

  6. It is a a timely post for me. I had to eat junk tonight and I didn't like it. Well I say junk. I had a Subway sandwich only meat and veggies, and a fresco chicken burrito supreme from taco bell and a flat bread sandwich. Not really understanding why I liked fast food before to be honest. the sub was good but not so much on the bell.

  7. I definitely leave junk food at the store! If it's in my house it's just too easy to break down and eat it.
    So yes i am willing!

  8. Great stuff about building new habits. I sometimes remind myself it took me 20 years to put this weight on, and I'm not going to change back to healthy overnight.

  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

  10. You're a tough cookie Doc! I loved the positive vibes coming from your post today...I'm feeling it...and YES, i am willing!

    If you give in and binge, you are not teaching your brain to stop craving junk. You're telling your brain, "If you whine enough, I'll give it to you".

    Nicely put, and so very, very true but i have never viewed it like that before. Brilliant.

    I think you are overly hard on yourself based on just how much you did yesterday - that's some workout you put yerself through - but i think your drive is infectious and no bad thing at that.

    I wanted to ask you a question about your C25K training actually - i'm just at the end of week 2 and about 45 seconds into my running intervals my shins begin to ache, but it fades again after my run...did you go through anything similar yourself as you were progressing? My brain wants to run for longer and faster but i keep having to restrain myself because i don't want to end up with nasty shin-splints.

    Keep up your resolve - it keeps us strong too!

  11. You are a complete rock star in my book. Great post. Fabulous. A good kick in the ass from Dr. Fit. Now, is that how you talk with your patients? Something tells me you are as animated in conversation as you are in this blog. Fireball you!! Thanks for storing us up again.

    I wrote it differently, but the fact of the matter is that I know that if I do not care for myself my family will when I can no longer because I have heart diseases, crappy knees, diabetes and who knows what else (well, you know). So, it is first for me. Next for my babies. And it is hard. And it is for life. Great post. Great way to go into a weekend. Thank-you so much for using this blog to keep us awake and ready as fighters. Dragons beware! Have a great and restful weekend! Michele

  12. "I now will respect my ass"

    Best. Line. Ever.

    And this was a total rockstar post. It's a good reminder that normal folks don't just eat all day because left to my 'druthers, I'd sit with the potato chip bag strapped on.

  13. Have you tried using a rolling bar to do ab work from a kneeling position to strengthen your core? I like it better than sit-ups, less pain on the vertebra directly and better isolation of all ab areas, including the uber-difficult to isolate lower abs.

    Polar's Mom


Progress to TouchDown and GOALLLL!!