Dear Mr. Scale,
I am writing this letter to inform you that your performance has been less than satisfactory. After carefully following my diet plan, drinking water until I feel like I need a freaking catheter, and exercising daily, you have failed to produce the loss expected of you. In fact, today you chose to show a gain. No matter how many times I get on and off you, the numbers are not consistent. Consistency and cooperation are absolutely necessary for us to maintain a healthy working relationship.
After much thought, I have come to the realization that there are only a few explanations for this problem. Either you are a complete failure and need to be replaced or you are deliberately trying to sabotage my efforts. I want to be clear, I have no problem replacing you with a newer, younger, more attractive and efficient scale. However, we have a long standing relationship. We have worked as a team in the past. I am willing to give you a chance to improve.
But, let me be clear. I will NOT be intimidated. I will NOT be set off course. I will not allow your negativity and failure to perform affect the outcome of this long term project as a whole. I am doing my part. Now it is your turn to do yours. I will reevaluate in a few days. I certainly hope we can continue to work together.