Today was a decent day. Woke up on time, early really. Caught up on some work. Got in the shower. And got busy deciding what to wear. This is a whole new kind of annoying in my life now. In a totally different way than "before". I don't have to stand there wondering which clothes will make me look "not fat".
Now I have a hard time finding things that are not too big. (Grin.) Recently I've bought a few new things that are too small. I'm just not used to my new size yet. Even the stuff that does fit looks too small. I look at it every time thinking it won't button. Even the jeans I've worn many times. I bought 2 pairs of capri pants at Target, size 14. They are both too small. Like probably 5-7 pounds too small so I don't want to return them. But, I have 3 pairs of jeans bought at Kohl's in the "normal" clothes section that are 14s and fit fine. The sizing of clothes is weird.
Last week I went to Kohl's and I just did some browsing. I found 3 cute dresses. Being in a hurry I bought them without trying them on. What size you ask? They were all XL. Normal XL. That's huge for me. I've never owned a normal dress. Not since I was a kid. I mean like 5. I remember being 6 and looking for 6X dresses because I was too big for normal 6. Back then there weren't that many to choose from. At Kohl's I walked right in and found 3 and bought them, feeling like they'd fit without trying them on. HUGE, I say!
So this morning I'm getting ready and I'm thinking maybe I'll wear one. I tried them on and they all fit. They all look pretty cute. One of them is dressier and looks good. I mean really good. Which should be great, but left me feeling........well......weird? I literally had this weird experience where I almost didn't know who was in my mirror. Strangest feeling. And I'm still pretty fat, so I can only imagine how it will feel when I'm at goal.
I'm standing there staring into the mirror and feeling so.....exposed? The dress is not tight fitting, but it is kind of low cut and my waist looked so small. I know it's not small. I know my measurements. It's just that I'm used to something so much larger. I kept turning in the mirror looking for my "fat side" but the dress looked pretty good.
Then I started freaking out because I knew the attention I'll get in that dress. Is that weird? Am I crazy? I know I'd have to wear a tank under it for work, too low. You do NOT want to do a testicular exam on a man in a too low cut dress. Talk about strange..... Anyway. I'm standing there and I really felt a bit anxious. Panicky even. I freaked out and took the dress off.
Then I rationalized that I didn't want the ugly bruise to show (which by the way is all shades of purple and blue today). Plus I'd need to paint my toenails so I could wear those one sandals and then I wasn't sure I'd shaved my legs well enough. Plus I thought I'd save it for next week when I have a meeting. But truth be told I took it off because I felt like I looked too good for a minute.
I know that seems really crazy coming from a 41 year old mother of three that still weighs just under 200. Crazy talk right? Can you say "body dysmorphic disorder"? This is new territory. And I'm not complaining. In fact thinking about it now I'm grinning and I can't wait for hubby and people at work to see it, but I still can't believe that I freaked like that.
I know I've had trouble not realizing how fat I looked in the past. I just don't feel that way. I don't feel obese. Well, there are times, but overall I've learned to like how I look and be confident. But I don't think I've ever really looked at myself, seen myself. Why is it we can stand there forever finding things we don't like, but to make a list of things we do like is so much harder? Isn't it weird how different we think we look and how we really look? What others see when they look at us is often completely different than what we do. Why? Because we have the filter of our thoughts to look through.
This morning was just another reminder that a huge portion of this weight thing is mental. It's all how you feel on the inside. Your thoughts. Your "self talk". Changing that is WAY harder than learning not to eat french fries and candy bars. That part is easy in comparison.
As things turned out I still wore a cute new outfit with new cute wedge sandals. I looked and felt good. I did not go to TKD at lunch because my middle daughter wanted me to go to class with her. Plus I wasn't sure I was ready. I figured going to the kids class would be less rigorous and there would be less peer pressure to overachieve.
I ended up in class this evening. Did pretty dang well. Leg held out and I had a good workout. Plus, they told me that they'd arrange a private test for me so I can move up a belt. I know all the material and I don't want to be bored for 8 weeks. I am very happy about that. We'll wait 1-2 weeks until I'm sure my leg is ready for it. Ate well today all day. Calories at just under 1100. Water 96oz, plus more fluids.
Do you ever have these "who is THAT" moments when looking in the mirror? How do you deal with it? Do you feel like you really SEE yourself?
This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.