This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.

Thursday, April 7, 2011


Today was a decent day. Woke up on time, early really. Caught up on some work. Got in the shower. And got busy deciding what to wear. This is a whole new kind of annoying in my life now. In a totally different way than "before".  I don't have to stand there wondering which clothes will make me look "not fat".

Now I have a hard time finding things that are not too big. (Grin.) Recently I've bought a few new things that are too small. I'm just not used to my new size yet. Even the stuff that does fit looks too small. I look at it every time thinking it won't button. Even the jeans I've worn many times. I bought 2 pairs of capri pants at Target, size 14. They are both too small. Like probably 5-7 pounds too small so I don't want to return them. But, I have 3 pairs of jeans bought at Kohl's in the "normal" clothes section that are 14s and fit fine. The sizing of clothes is weird.

Last week I went to Kohl's and I just did some browsing. I found 3 cute dresses. Being in a hurry I bought them without trying them on. What size you ask? They were all XL. Normal XL. That's huge for me. I've never owned a normal dress. Not since I was a kid. I mean like 5. I remember being 6 and looking for 6X dresses because I was too big for normal 6. Back then there weren't that many to choose from. At Kohl's I walked right in and found 3 and bought them, feeling like they'd fit without trying them on. HUGE, I say!

So this morning I'm getting ready and I'm thinking maybe I'll wear one. I tried them on and they all fit. They all look pretty cute. One of them is dressier and looks good. I mean really good. Which should be great, but left me feeling........well......weird?  I literally had this weird experience where I almost didn't know who was in my mirror. Strangest feeling. And I'm still pretty fat, so I can only imagine how it will feel when I'm at goal.

I'm standing there staring into the mirror and feeling so.....exposed? The dress is not tight fitting, but it is kind of low cut and my waist looked so small. I know it's not small. I know my measurements. It's just that I'm used to something so much larger. I kept turning in the mirror looking for my "fat side" but the dress looked pretty good.

Then I started freaking out because I knew the attention I'll get in that dress. Is that weird? Am I crazy? I know I'd have to wear a tank under it for work, too low. You do NOT want to do a testicular exam on a man in a too low cut dress. Talk about strange..... Anyway. I'm standing there and I really felt a bit anxious. Panicky even. I freaked out and took the dress off.

Then I rationalized that I didn't want the ugly bruise to show (which by the way is all shades of purple and blue today). Plus I'd need to paint my toenails so I could wear those one sandals and then I wasn't sure I'd shaved my legs well enough. Plus I thought I'd save it for next week when I have a meeting. But truth be told I took it off because I felt like I looked too good for a minute.

I know that seems really crazy coming from a 41 year old mother of three that still weighs just under 200. Crazy talk right? Can you say "body dysmorphic disorder"?  This is new territory. And I'm not complaining. In fact thinking about it now I'm grinning and I can't wait for hubby and people at work to see it, but I still can't believe that I freaked like that.

I know I've had trouble not realizing how fat I looked in the past. I just don't feel that way. I don't feel obese. Well, there are times, but overall I've learned to like how I look and be confident. But I don't think I've ever really looked at myself, seen myself. Why is it we can stand there forever finding things we don't like, but to make a list of things we do like is so much harder? Isn't it weird how different we think we look and how we really look? What others see when they look at us is often completely different than what we do. Why? Because we have the filter of our thoughts to look through.

This morning was just another reminder that a huge portion of this weight thing is mental. It's all how you feel on the inside. Your thoughts. Your "self talk". Changing that is WAY harder than learning not to eat french fries and candy bars. That part is easy in comparison.

As things turned out I still wore a cute new outfit with new cute wedge sandals. I looked and felt good. I did not go to TKD at lunch because my middle daughter wanted me to go to class with her. Plus I wasn't sure I was ready. I figured going to the kids class would be less rigorous and there would be less peer pressure to overachieve.

I ended up in class this evening. Did pretty dang well. Leg held out and I had a good workout. Plus, they told me that they'd arrange a private test for me so I can move up a belt. I know all the material and I don't want to be bored for 8 weeks. I am very happy about that. We'll wait 1-2 weeks until I'm sure my leg is ready for it. Ate well today all day. Calories at just under 1100. Water 96oz, plus more fluids.

Do you ever have these "who is THAT" moments when looking in the mirror? How do you deal with it? Do you feel like you really SEE yourself?


  1. When I stand at the mirror sometimes I think I am looking at a good angle or something. Sometimes it feels like I am putting my head through one of those plywood face holes with a different body painted on it. Then I see the rest of the fat still there and I'm like ... oh yea ... it's me :)

    Starting At 500 Pounds

  2. so so so true. the workouts and food plans can be nothing in comparison to changing the headtalk and mindmantra.


  3. Yeah I had meant to post about this the other day actually. I have the same issue in trying to believe that this is me in the reflection? Especially my face. But more specifically, I had an incident the other day where I caught a glimpse of me in my truck door window as I was getting in. I think one of the hold ups I have is that I wear a dress shirt to work everyday, which obviously has to be tucked in, and so my belly, even though it is much smaller, still has a muffin top hang over. Ever so slightly, as in you can now see my belt buckle whereas before it was buried a good 4 inches up my muffin top, but still it is a muffin top. So I caught this glimpse of me in my window, where the muffin top was not visible. Top of my head, to middle of my belly, I am a flat belly guy with a decent chest! I had no idea that my fault is just localized to be honest. It was wild!!

  4. Yep, what Miz said. But I am smiling as I picture you fitting into those dresses:)

  5. Heck, yes. I know exactly what you mean. I still do a double-take when I walk by a mirror or big glass window. I wonder if I will ever recognize myself.

  6. I've just been going through this same thing. Two months after losing the weight I'm finally buying clothes that truly fit, and now it's all more noticeable. It's thrilling and scary, and the attention is nice but confusing. Eventually though, your brain catches up and it just becomes how you look now. It becomes normal

  7. I purposly buy things that are too small and try them on from time to time to make sure that I'm still losing. It's always a good day when something that wouldn't zip suddenly does.

    I bought a large dress a few weeks ago and wore it to work yesterday, got tons of comments and lots of praise, it's a good feeling, I'm glad your going to enjoy it soon.

  8. I'm the opposite - i think i look pretty damn good, until I just joined a gym last Sunday and the trainer mentioned I could lose 20 pounds in 8 weeks and I hadn't even MENTIONED weight loss, I just talked about building stamina and gettin' some muscles. So actually now i'm feeling less confident.

  9. Keep looking at yourself! Continue to find ways to connect with your body. From personal experience I can say that one thing that helped lead to a huge regain was never being comfortable in my "new" body. I hear you describing the same things that I went through before (and am experiencing again to a lesser degree): feeling exposed; getting unwanted attention from men or women; who IS that woman in the mirror; heck, sex was different. Exercise helps, so does keeping track by photos, massage to help you connect with all the glorious parts of YOU. Whatever it takes to keep you integrated.
    Hugs - Jan

  10. I have a dress I'm determined to fit into this summer. I bought it on sale at the end of last season, and it's just this side of snug across my backside, which is my "first on last off" area fat-wise.

    Finding something new that looks good is awesome -- way to go :D

  11. I love how you said, "because we have the filter of our thoughts to look through." Yes we do! What helps me is to have someone take a photo of me. That way I can see better how others see me.

    I still look at my clothes when I am doing laundry and I am sure they have shrunk and there is no way they could possibly fit me as they are much too small!

    I don't know how long it takes for the mind to catch up with the body.

  12. I've done that, too - tried on an outfit, and it fit, but I wasn't ready to go out in public wearing it quite yet. It's definitely a huge mind change to have your clothes show a shape, instead of a blob. Throw a cardigan over the dress and that will help you feel less exposed...and eventually, the cardi will come off. :) Congrats on buying the normal sized clothes - how awesome!

    Oh, and for the record, I find Target sizing to be all over the place.

  13. Who Is That, excellent reference for those mirror double take moments. They can go both ways of course, mirrors are as important as scales in our missions to get healthier. Keep on having Who Is That moments!

  14. Hey, that's just great. I've had a few of those myself, and it's a great feeling. (LOL at the part about how you need to wear appropriate gear to work :)

  15. When I look in the mirror I see one person.
    When I see pictures, I see a different person.
    When I close my eyes, I visualize a whole different person.

    I have three different versions of "me" floating around out there. They are radically different, and I really don't know which one I am.

    THAT is freaking weird. Wait till you get THERE.


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