This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Weekend Wrap up or....

The great Binge of 2011.

I'll just start by stating that I greatly underestimated the emotional toll my first trip back to Oklahoma since my cousins funeral would have.  For those who don't know and haven't read my prior posts, a month ago my 39 year old cousin died. He and I were very close. We grew up next door to each other. As an only child, he was in every since my brother. It was, and is still, devastating to me and my family and I feel still overwhelmed with grief at times.

This weekend we drove home to see my family and also to attend the OU spring football game. I generally love this weekend. It's the first glimpse of football, my absolute FAV, and the weather is generally nice. We always spend time with the family and hang out. Every year. Except this year was different, of course.

Friday after work, I went home to pack. This brought back memories of the last time I packed to go there for the funeral. That spiraled into memories of the funeral, before, the call when it happened. So many feelings came rushing in. I ended up with pizza for dinner. Homemade, wheat crust, but still pizza which was meant for the kids only instead of the salad I had planned.

OK. No problem. Move on, right? So Saturday morning I woke up and weighed. Finally back down to pre-funeral weight and I was happy. I sent my weight to Allan and got the kids loaded in the car. I had breakfast as planned, coffee and even pack my fruit and almonds for the car as planned. I was doing fine and the drive up to Norman went well, despite moderate bickering from the kids.

The closer we got, the more intrusive the sadness became. I found myself again unable to fight off the feelings of grief. I feel so weak and so.........I don't know......guilty? That I continue to feel this way. So emotional and unable to control it.

We arrived in Norman and I got the kids lunch. I had planned a baked potato at the stadium so I didn't eat. I did have a snack of fruit and string cheese before we left for the game. However, the snack bar with the potatoes wasn't open. I was starving and I gave in to the mini pizza that was available. That or a giant hot dog or nachos and pizza seemed better. So that was lunch. I ordered Coke zero and was given Dr. Pepper which I didn't realize until I was back in my seat. I drank it anyway. And that's where it started.

That night we went to dinner with my best friend, my cousin and his wife. My other "brother" and "sister-in-law".  We decided on the casino buffet. You see where this is going. I had green beans, salad and a baked potato and a few peel-n-eat shrimp. I had prime rib. I had catfish. Then I had ice cream. And I was sick. Just sick. I was sick physically and sick with myself emotionally.

I went to bed that night vowing to shake it off and move on the next day. I didn't sleep well. I tossed and turned. I had nightmares. I woke up tired and frustrated and sick full. I didn't have breakfast. I did have coffee.  We got the kids ready and headed to church. The plan was church, then a pot luck dinner and Easter Egg hunt after. Following this, we had planned to head over to my cousin's house so that I could get the few belongings he had wanted me to have and that I wanted.  You can guess where this is headed.

So overly tired, overly emotional, and now overly hungry me heads to a church service in the same church where my cousin sang and played piano my whole life, for the first time without him there, followed by a plethora of home cooked comfort foods including a giant table of desserts.  I admit I was weak. I admit I was overwhelmed and I admit I just said to myself " I can't take anymore guilt or stress or worry." And I let my guard down.  And I ate. A lot.

And I'm ashamed and embarrassed and guilty and frankly I can't even believe I'm writing all of this. I feel sick and numb and depressed. I thought I was beyond some of this crap.

And then.....we went to my cousin's house where I picked up the things and we went through his stuff like....I don't know what...... Looters? I don't know if you've ever had to go through a dead person's home, but it was horrible. And it's we're not finished of course. We still have a lot of work to do.

After that we got ready to head back home to Texas. I cried most of the rest of the day and night. I had little sleep and now I'm tired and depressed and defeated. I'm sorry to post such a downer, but that's where I'm at. I'm mad at myself. I'm sad, so sad. And all those other feelings you can imagine.

Now I have to find a way to get back on track some how. I'm not giving up, but I'm sure struggling. I weighed this morning and scale says I'm up 6 pounds. That's not possible. Is it? I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Just keep swimming, right? What other choice do I have? All I can do is what I can do.

On the bright side, I enjoyed the football game and the kids had a ball at the egg hunt. I'm trying really hard to think on the bright side. Well, that's it for now. I haven't read any blogs yet. But I will. I knew it would make me feel guilty. But then, maybe it will inspire me. It usually does.

Until tomorrow.......


  1. Weak? No. No way. Grief can be unbearable - but you know that. You also know that you did not consume enough calories to gain 6 pounds over the weekend.

    His death was so very recent. You will continue to experience sadness along with good memories. Decide how you want to TRY to handle these difficult emotions and eating. If you just want to maintain, that's great. If you want to continue on your current plan, great also. But make some plans for what you know are stumbling blocks. I spent 5 months just barely maintaining my weight loss after Mom's death then everything clicked back into place. Wish I had been more aware and asked for more support.
    Mucho hugs

  2. Grief is a very fickle emotion. We may think we're past the worst of it or all of it, and then "bang," it's back. All it takes is a trigger of some sort.

    You need to remember that what happened this past weekend is not your typical pattern, and that there were factors involved that made it more likely that this would happen.

    The factors include vulnerablility and reresurfacing grief, due to proximity to significant people, places and food. Other factors include being away from your own "safe" environment, as well as the reality of dealing with your cousin's belongings.

    So...be kind to yourself, and ignore the scale for a while. It will go down once you settle back into the healthy eating and living routine that you have so successfully created for yourself.

  3. I agree with the others, be kind to yourself. Imagine before you started this journey, when this type of eating wouldn't even be a blip on your radar. So you fucked up for a weekend...so what? Remember how far you have come. You can get back on track, You are strong enough to do it. Remember, this is not about a diet, it's your life.

  4. I'm with the others, too. Cut yourself some slack with this difficult weekend with your family. Just get back on the wagon and continue your journey. But please, no more Dr. Pepper.

    I know exactly what you mean by "looting" when going through a deceased person's personal belongings. That used to be a part of my job when I was in Corporateworld, and it was always unpleasant. And I have had to do it on a personal level several times. It doesn't get any easier. Just realize that you are probably the person your cousin would most want to go through his things, since you were so close.

    Please just put the weekend eating behind you. You did it, you told us about it, you beat yourself up over it, now get past it. I have been around here long enough to know you will do just that. Hugs.

  5. You ARE beyond that type of eating on a normal day, but that was not normal circumstances. So much emotion, so soon - no wonder you reached out for the familiar comfort of food. It would be one thing if you kept up the overeating, but you went back to normal today. Put the weekend's eating behind you and move on. Also? Cut yourself some slack - you've been through a lot in the last month.

    On the going through belongings - we had to do that with my Grandmother's house and it did feel weird. Just another strange thing that comes along with death...who knew there was so much to it, really?

  6. Sorry to hear of the struggle, but I agree with the above - very tough situation. ASAP start your plan again and move forward. Glad you felt comfortable sharing. My best to you and your family.

  7. Thanks for sharing. I get your struggle. You are inspiring so many of us with your stories.


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