The great Binge of 2011.
I'll just start by stating that I greatly underestimated the emotional toll my first trip back to Oklahoma since my cousins funeral would have. For those who don't know and haven't read my prior posts, a month ago my 39 year old cousin died. He and I were very close. We grew up next door to each other. As an only child, he was in every since my brother. It was, and is still, devastating to me and my family and I feel still overwhelmed with grief at times.
This weekend we drove home to see my family and also to attend the OU spring football game. I generally love this weekend. It's the first glimpse of football, my absolute FAV, and the weather is generally nice. We always spend time with the family and hang out. Every year. Except this year was different, of course.
Friday after work, I went home to pack. This brought back memories of the last time I packed to go there for the funeral. That spiraled into memories of the funeral, before, the call when it happened. So many feelings came rushing in. I ended up with pizza for dinner. Homemade, wheat crust, but still pizza which was meant for the kids only instead of the salad I had planned.
OK. No problem. Move on, right? So Saturday morning I woke up and weighed. Finally back down to pre-funeral weight and I was happy. I sent my weight to Allan and got the kids loaded in the car. I had breakfast as planned, coffee and even pack my fruit and almonds for the car as planned. I was doing fine and the drive up to Norman went well, despite moderate bickering from the kids.
The closer we got, the more intrusive the sadness became. I found myself again unable to fight off the feelings of grief. I feel so weak and so.........I don't know......guilty? That I continue to feel this way. So emotional and unable to control it.
We arrived in Norman and I got the kids lunch. I had planned a baked potato at the stadium so I didn't eat. I did have a snack of fruit and string cheese before we left for the game. However, the snack bar with the potatoes wasn't open. I was starving and I gave in to the mini pizza that was available. That or a giant hot dog or nachos and pizza seemed better. So that was lunch. I ordered Coke zero and was given Dr. Pepper which I didn't realize until I was back in my seat. I drank it anyway. And that's where it started.
That night we went to dinner with my best friend, my cousin and his wife. My other "brother" and "sister-in-law". We decided on the casino buffet. You see where this is going. I had green beans, salad and a baked potato and a few peel-n-eat shrimp. I had prime rib. I had catfish. Then I had ice cream. And I was sick. Just sick. I was sick physically and sick with myself emotionally.
I went to bed that night vowing to shake it off and move on the next day. I didn't sleep well. I tossed and turned. I had nightmares. I woke up tired and frustrated and sick full. I didn't have breakfast. I did have coffee. We got the kids ready and headed to church. The plan was church, then a pot luck dinner and Easter Egg hunt after. Following this, we had planned to head over to my cousin's house so that I could get the few belongings he had wanted me to have and that I wanted. You can guess where this is headed.
So overly tired, overly emotional, and now overly hungry me heads to a church service in the same church where my cousin sang and played piano my whole life, for the first time without him there, followed by a plethora of home cooked comfort foods including a giant table of desserts. I admit I was weak. I admit I was overwhelmed and I admit I just said to myself " I can't take anymore guilt or stress or worry." And I let my guard down. And I ate. A lot.
And I'm ashamed and embarrassed and guilty and frankly I can't even believe I'm writing all of this. I feel sick and numb and depressed. I thought I was beyond some of this crap.
And then.....we went to my cousin's house where I picked up the things and we went through his stuff like....I don't know what...... Looters? I don't know if you've ever had to go through a dead person's home, but it was horrible. And it's we're not finished of course. We still have a lot of work to do.
After that we got ready to head back home to Texas. I cried most of the rest of the day and night. I had little sleep and now I'm tired and depressed and defeated. I'm sorry to post such a downer, but that's where I'm at. I'm mad at myself. I'm sad, so sad. And all those other feelings you can imagine.
Now I have to find a way to get back on track some how. I'm not giving up, but I'm sure struggling. I weighed this morning and scale says I'm up 6 pounds. That's not possible. Is it? I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Just keep swimming, right? What other choice do I have? All I can do is what I can do.
On the bright side, I enjoyed the football game and the kids had a ball at the egg hunt. I'm trying really hard to think on the bright side. Well, that's it for now. I haven't read any blogs yet. But I will. I knew it would make me feel guilty. But then, maybe it will inspire me. It usually does.