You know how yesterday I was wondering why some days are so much harder? Well, today was one of those days.
I woke up this morning in a decent mood. Tired because I didn't sleep well, I don't usually when my husband is out of town. Too quiet, maybe? Anyway. I woke early and got to work on some things to catch up. Then, it was time to get kids up and off to school. Kids were grumpy and fought. Irritability. Sigh. My little one was mad I put a yogurt in her lunch. Irrational. But, that's 5 year olds.
After dropping them at school I ran an errand. Then ended up at work a little late. I was busy. Hectic morning with complicated patients and those that wanted to talk a lot. No problem. Handled and finished in time to make TKD.
Went to class despite my temptation to skip. I'm glad I did. What a workout today. We did 160 crunches and 25 push ups. Then LOTS of kicking and conditioning drills. It was a hard class, but I always leave there feeling like I've accomplished something. Survival instinct? Sometimes I feel like I'm in over my head and can't do it, but I just keep going. I'm not the best. I don't have a perfect back kick. I don't have the fastest kick or hardest kick, but I do MY best and try not to compare myself to the others. I think most of the people in my class are just impressed I haven't quit yet.
Work this afternoon was trying. I got some very upsetting and disappointing news about one of my long time and favorite patients. It struck me hard and I found myself near tears as I listened to the radiologist tell me the news. Usually there is some detachment, it's a protective device. But lately I find my emotions are raw. I feel everything hurts. Even little things. We had an employee quit this week, other office drama and that left me frustrated and disappointed and overwhelmed.
Have you ever had a friend, a really good one, one you thought would always be in your life and then that person left? I don't mean moved away. I mean just left your life for reasons you didn't understand? And then later you found out that person was not who you thought in the first place? I have. It was painful at the time and even several years later it still is. Well today I "saw" this person was on facebook commenting on a mutual friend's page and it brought back all those feelings. I miss this person in my life, at least the person I thought they were. Part of me wants to reach out to them, the other is wary and scared and afraid of being hurt. Mainly I don't want the pain.
I received an email today from home. My cousin's family still struggles as do I. Grief is a nasty beast. It is heavy and unpredictable. It is a black hole that, if you let it, will consume you. I fight it off most times, but today I have been unable. Sometimes I think if I just cry long enough or hard enough it will be done. I'll be finished with it and I can move on.
But it doesn't work that way does it?
I know this. This isn't my first dance with the darkness of grief. This is a hard time for my whole family. It's been that way a very long time. And in a few days, I'll explain more about that.
I'm trying to be thankful. I'm trying to count my blessings. But, I'm having a real hard time with God now. I don't really want to get into religious discussions. I don't need advice about my relationship with God. He and I are old friends. Right now I just don't understand a lot of things.
And dealing with my cousin's death has left me thinking about my own mortality and the fragility of life. That can lead to fear and excessive worry. It's made me want to make preparations. I don't want to be caught off guard or leave my family floundering. But, that is yet another burden. Just one more thing on what feels like an endless To Do list. Sigh.
It's not as if I'm special. The physician's voice in my head is saying all the counselor things I would say to my patients. All these things I'm thinking are things I've heard my patients say a million times. Intellectually I know that all of these thoughts and feelings are normal. That they will pass, lessen and with time. That the raw emotional state I'm in now is normal and slowly it will also pass. Things will be normal again, although never the same.
So, I'll just have to approach this grief business the way I do Tae Kwon Do. I may not do it perfectly. I'll just have to do MY best and not compare myself to others. Realize that I can get through this and that my life, most of which is wonderful, will go on. I have to let myself feel the pain and not be afraid of it.
Today I was starved after TKD. I came home and fixed lunch. I didn't have the lunch that was on plan. Slight oversight and mishap with the now teenage boy in the family eating leftovers I thought were still there. So instead I had a veggie burger sandwich, and some lettuce leaves with hummus rolled inside. For dessert I had an ice cold grapefruit. It was yummy.
This evening I took the girls to the evil golden arches. Yet one more thing to feel guilty about? I refuse. Son was in TKD until 7:30. I had one hour. I went there, got them dinner and then let them play. Good news is neither of them ate more than 3-4 fries. That's the amazing thing about kids. They eat, they're full, they stop. This is not something I EVER remember being able to do.
So I spent 30 min in McD's and now you're wondering what I ate? Nada. I ate nothing. Well.....that's a lie I ate exactly 2 fries. I had a diet DP and that's it. Spent the time reading and sending some emails. When I got home I had dinner, again I had to improvise as Nanny had not cooked as previously planned. I had a small sandwich and fruit.
And now I'm here writing this when I should be working, but this is way more fun. Tomorrow I'll be packing for a quick trip to Oklahoma. We're going up Saturday morning to see the OU spring game. I'm looking forward to being home, seeing my family, and........ football? That's the icing on the cake. If you haven't been reading long, you'll soon find out that football is a very big deal to me. Well......sports in general and I haven't been writing much about that lately, but...there will be more tomorrow. Stay tuned.
Whenever I finish here I feel so much better. So much calmer. Stronger. Ready to go back to "real" life knowing that my bloggy friends are out there supporting me. If you don't blog, you're missing out. If you do and I don't read your blog, let me know. I'm always looking for more reasons to avoid working.
Good night, all!