WHO is THAT?

Today was a decent day. Woke up on time, early really. Caught up on some work. Got in the shower. And got busy deciding what to wear. This is a whole new kind of annoying in my life now. In a totally different way than "before".  I don't have to stand there wondering which clothes will make me look "not fat".

Now I have a hard time finding things that are not too big. (Grin.) Recently I've bought a few new things that are too small. I'm just not used to my new size yet. Even the stuff that does fit looks too small. I look at it every time thinking it won't button. Even the jeans I've worn many times. I bought 2 pairs of capri pants at Target, size 14. They are both too small. Like probably 5-7 pounds too small so I don't want to return them. But, I have 3 pairs of jeans bought at Kohl's in the "normal" clothes section that are 14s and fit fine. The sizing of clothes is weird.

Last week I went to Kohl's and I just did some browsing. I found 3 cute dresses. Being in a hurry I bought them without trying them on. What size you ask? They were all XL. Normal XL. That's huge for me. I've never owned a normal dress. Not since I was a kid. I mean like 5. I remember being 6 and looking for 6X dresses because I was too big for normal 6. Back then there weren't that many to choose from. At Kohl's I walked right in and found 3 and bought them, feeling like they'd fit without trying them on. HUGE, I say!

So this morning I'm getting ready and I'm thinking maybe I'll wear one. I tried them on and they all fit. They all look pretty cute. One of them is dressier and looks good. I mean really good. Which should be great, but left me feeling........well......weird?  I literally had this weird experience where I almost didn't know who was in my mirror. Strangest feeling. And I'm still pretty fat, so I can only imagine how it will feel when I'm at goal.

I'm standing there staring into the mirror and feeling so.....exposed? The dress is not tight fitting, but it is kind of low cut and my waist looked so small. I know it's not small. I know my measurements. It's just that I'm used to something so much larger. I kept turning in the mirror looking for my "fat side" but the dress looked pretty good.

Then I started freaking out because I knew the attention I'll get in that dress. Is that weird? Am I crazy? I know I'd have to wear a tank under it for work, too low. You do NOT want to do a testicular exam on a man in a too low cut dress. Talk about strange..... Anyway. I'm standing there and I really felt a bit anxious. Panicky even. I freaked out and took the dress off.

Then I rationalized that I didn't want the ugly bruise to show (which by the way is all shades of purple and blue today). Plus I'd need to paint my toenails so I could wear those one sandals and then I wasn't sure I'd shaved my legs well enough. Plus I thought I'd save it for next week when I have a meeting. But truth be told I took it off because I felt like I looked too good for a minute.

I know that seems really crazy coming from a 41 year old mother of three that still weighs just under 200. Crazy talk right? Can you say "body dysmorphic disorder"?  This is new territory. And I'm not complaining. In fact thinking about it now I'm grinning and I can't wait for hubby and people at work to see it, but I still can't believe that I freaked like that.

I know I've had trouble not realizing how fat I looked in the past. I just don't feel that way. I don't feel obese. Well, there are times, but overall I've learned to like how I look and be confident. But I don't think I've ever really looked at myself, seen myself. Why is it we can stand there forever finding things we don't like, but to make a list of things we do like is so much harder? Isn't it weird how different we think we look and how we really look? What others see when they look at us is often completely different than what we do. Why? Because we have the filter of our thoughts to look through.

This morning was just another reminder that a huge portion of this weight thing is mental. It's all how you feel on the inside. Your thoughts. Your "self talk". Changing that is WAY harder than learning not to eat french fries and candy bars. That part is easy in comparison.

As things turned out I still wore a cute new outfit with new cute wedge sandals. I looked and felt good. I did not go to TKD at lunch because my middle daughter wanted me to go to class with her. Plus I wasn't sure I was ready. I figured going to the kids class would be less rigorous and there would be less peer pressure to overachieve.

I ended up in class this evening. Did pretty dang well. Leg held out and I had a good workout. Plus, they told me that they'd arrange a private test for me so I can move up a belt. I know all the material and I don't want to be bored for 8 weeks. I am very happy about that. We'll wait 1-2 weeks until I'm sure my leg is ready for it. Ate well today all day. Calories at just under 1100. Water 96oz, plus more fluids.

Do you ever have these "who is THAT" moments when looking in the mirror? How do you deal with it? Do you feel like you really SEE yourself?

Much Better! and Give me some support!

Today I woke up late. I over slept. My husband is out of town and my routine is totally screwed up.  My ankle is so much better. Only a little soreness if I turn it a certain way.  My legs aren't as sore and things are much better.

I missed TKD today because the office was swamped and I didn't make it there. So I didn't get my workout as planned. But, I really think that was good because now I feel much better and I can resume running for sure in the morning.

Food today was good. I still haven't had any appetite  . I think I'm just too busy. I don't know as it is foreign to me. I'm just not used to not caring whether I eat or not.  I ate a little over 1000cals today and that's all I wanted.

I wish I had something inspiring to say today, but all I can say is not every day is amazing. Some days are just days. The key to all this is being consistent. Day after day after day. Eating right and keeping up with the water.  Moving more everyday.

More and more people are noticing my weight loss. This is so wonderful, but a mixed bag. I'm just not used to the attention it brings. I am flattered by the compliments and they don't bother me as much. But, the whole, "what are you doing" conversation and all the unwanted advice. If I'm the one losing weight, why are people trying to tell me how to lose weight?

My clothes are frustrating me right now.  Most of them are too big. Yeah! Not complaining, but it does mean that getting dressed takes longer than it used to. I have more choices and some of the things I still feel like should fit ok, don't. I think I'm between sizes as some things I've bought in smaller sizes are just not quite comfortable yet.  I spend time trying things on and tossing them in the donate pile. The other day I came home and pulled off the shirt I had worn and tossed it straight in. Somebody's gonna be happy to get my old clothes.  I noticed today that the size 14 pants from Lane Bryant are too big. I got a  couple of pairs of jeans in the "normal" section in size 14. They fit great.

I was reading Allan's blog today and he mentioned how he's trying to adjust to smaller clothes and the larger ones are more comfortable. I know what he means. I have a couple of sweatshirts and other clothes that I continue to wear despite how big they are. My scrubs for one. I'm still wearing 2X. But, I ordered new ones this week. It is just strange to think about clothes that aren't baggy. When I was bigger I've always felt weird if clothes felt too tight. My rolls would show, my muffin top, my cellulite. Having clothes that touch my body is weird.

OH! And it's official. The girls have shrunk. I'm down a whole cup size. I realized that it seems like over night my bras were way too big. They were loose and like spinning almost when I move. I mean it was literally over night it seems like. One day they fit and the next, too big.  Luckily I had bought a couple on clearance in anticipation. I tried them and they fit. Also, the wonderful sports bras I've been using are too big. Great. Those things are not cheap. I did get a new one the other day on sale at the running store. This makes me wonder what size I'll be at goal. Weird.  I've always had big boobs.

I've always wished for smaller ones. It was just another reason to be different. I was wearing a bra in 5th grade and I remember the boys snapping my bra all the time and laughing. It was great fodder for the humiliation machine. As I got older, I realized they weren't such a bad thing to have. That negative attention from boys in 5th grade was very different by college.

The guys won't understand, but the quest for the perfect bra, the holy grail of womanhood, is an ongoing thing for all of us, no matter the size. It is especially important now in my 40s and with all the running and Tae Kwon Do, it is absolutely essential. I found a couple of excellent ones, but they are so expensive and if my size is gong to change more, this could get to be a drag. OH well. At least I'm shrinking and not getting bigger!

Anyway, adjusting to my new size seems to be a daily thing. I guess while I'm transforming that's how it will be. I was driving today when something caught my eye. I looked down and ......there was a triceps. Woo hoo. I do have one. Starting to see more definition, but also more hanging skin. I don't care, The scale is moving and so am I. That's what I'm after.