Is it a Challenge or a Road Block? You decide.

I can't believe I haven't posted since Tuesday. Where does the time go? I'm just so busy and NOW it is October. Shit.......I hate October.....well, I actually love it. I love fall and I love Halloween, but October signifies the beginning of the end of the year and all hell breaks loose this time of year, for me anyway.

The weekend was fabulous, but busy. I spent it seeing my little one get her green belt in TKD which is quite an achievement for a little lady of not even 6 yet! She broke her board on the first try and was most proud.  I have to say I was pretty darn proud of her myself.

Immediately after the TKD test the kids and I jumped in the car and drove to Oklahoma. I took my son to the football game this weekend. It was OU v Ball State and Dad needed to stay home to do some work. So the kids and I ran up for the game and drove back yesterday afternoon.  I wish I could say I did great with my eating this weekend, but I didn't. I made some bad choices for a variety of reasons, none of which really matters. What matters is that I shouldn't have eaten all that I did for any reason. It's over and I'm moving on.

So this morning I'm back on track. My weight on Saturday morning was a new low at 188. But, I can say that after the salty bloat from yesterday it wasn't this morning. I've been drinking my water and I'm way on track with my food so I expect to be down again really soon.

Today at lunch I met with my trainer who kicked my butt. I'm so tired and sore. We did arms, chest and back. Did you know I can chest press 60 pounds now? I can't believe it. I also did weighted squats to chest presses with 30 pound weights. I did dead lifts with 30 pounds on the bosu. I did a whole bunch more stuff which I'm used to doing and makes me proud and THEN he says, "we'll finish with a little cardio." I've heard this before. no problem. BUT, this time is was the stairmaster.

WTH. That thing totally and completely sucks! I have avoided that machine for a variety of reasons, not least of which is it looks hard. Sometimes looks are deceiving and let me be absolutely clear......not this time.  I did 5 min on the damn thing and I thought I was dying. DYING. That is what the elliptical felt like 2 years ago when I started this mess. It kind of pissed me off to be honest.

I mean I can  do 40 minutes on the elliptical up to a level 20. I kick that things ass now, it doesn't kick mine. I can even run on the treadmill at the gym and not worry about running in public anymore. This was a MAJOR achievement for me. I can do push ups, situps, planks. I can work out HARD in a TKD class and get all sweaty and gross while people watch and not give a shit. I can lift weights. I can do FREAKING pull ups now. But that.........THING......that machine KILLED me. And I'm pissed.

Just when you think you're doing really well, something comes around to remind you just how far you have to go. I won't lie. It hurt. It hurt really bad. I thought I was going to pass out. And I felt........I felt...........like the fat girl in gym class.

Oh HELL no!

I refuse to be that girl anymore. REFUSE. You hear me! I'm done with that. I will be fit. I will be strong. I will be ABLE to do what I want. I will NOT be the fat girl........weak and panting......red faced.....short of breath......near tears because it hurts SO bad.......it's SO hard.

I've been THERE my whole life. I've done THAT and it SUCKS.  I WANT MORE.

I want more from my life and over the last nearly 2 years I've seen a glimpse of what life being healthy is like. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm soooooooo far from where I was.  I was fat and so unfit. Now I'm still fat, but so much closer to being fit.

In the past this kind of experience would set me back. Hell....this is what kept me from exercising for so long. It was hard. It was uncomfortable. It made me self-conscious. I just didn't like it much. Of course, you often don't like something you're not good at, that takes effort.  Don't we all tend to gravitate toward those things that come naturally to us?

Not anymore. The fact that I had trouble today doing that machine just set me on FIRE. I'm mad and I'm motivated. I will not be using this as an excuse to go home and binge tonight as I would in the past. I will not be using this as an excuse to give up. I will not be letting this depress me and start the negative self-talk cycle that would always have started in the past. The "you'll never be able to" or "you just can't do those things" or the WORST one "when I lose weight, THEN I'll be able to exercise." WHAT? That kind of thinking got me to 274 pounds.

No. NOW things are different. I AM DIFFERENT. Maybe I can't do more than 5 minutes on a stair master now, but I WILL. I got on the damn thing and that is saying something for someone that had never been in a gym more than a couple of times in my whole life before I started this. I tried it. It was hard. Next time it will be easier.  That's something I KNOW is true becuase I've done it before. I'll do it again.

See.....now something like this.....it's a CHALLENGE, not a ROAD BLOCK.

In the past it would have been a deal breaker. If I tried something hard and it was REALLY hard, I had to really push myself like that, I'd give up. I just didn't think I could do it. I didn't believe. I didn't think fat people like me could do these things. I was so very wrong.

Growing up I always believed I could be ANYTHING if I set my mind to it. I knew I could be a doctor. I knew I was smart enough. I knew all I had to do was work hard and it would happen. For some reason this attitude never applied to physical things. It was all too easy to believe I couldn't achieve there in the same way.

How wrong I was.

It's a CHALLENGE. Not a road block. That's all. A challenge that I will learn to meet. And then......I'll move on to the next one.

What about you? What's challenging you lately? Are you meeting the challenge and taking it on OR are you letting it be a road block?  A challenge can be physical like my stair master or mental like giving in to tempting foods or not tracking.   One of the best things you can do is change your attitude about challenges. Don't let them become road blocks. You can do this!

Weekend Wrap Up and Monday Weigh In and Challenge Updates

Well, this weekend kinda sucked. Three words a parent never wants to hear, "My head itches." Yep. Lice. Fabulous. Thank you so much Boy Scout camp. So instead of my treating myself to a morning run this weekend, I spent the weekend disinfecting my house. Sigh. I'm not really sure how many loads of laundry I did. But it was a lot. 

Saturday I did the great cleansing. No exercise other than housework which I'm counting because this was more than the usual housework. Sunday morning my son had a performance for his band camp. We attended that and then I took the kids to Target and then to a movie. I couldn't stand to do anymore cleaning for a while. We saw Cars 2 and it was cute. The kids had fun and we were out of the heat for a while. The filter pump on our pool died so we didn't want to swim for now. After the movie we went home to more cleaning and I cooked dinner. My life is so glamorous.

I didn't get much sleep this weekend and I woke up tired this morning. I weighed in down a pound from the week before, but still up 1 from the 2 I gained. I get so tired of this see-saw. But, that's life so I'll just keep on. I forced myself to go to the gym. And by forced I mean I had a kicking screaming tantrum in my head, but the healthy part of me won and I did 40 on the elliptical and another 15 on the treadmill. Doesn't mean I liked it although I admit I did feel better.   Just couldn't bring myself to weight train today. Later this week.

Work is strangely slow today, which is good because I have time to catch up but bad because I have bills to pay.  I did at least have time to read a little on blogs and catch up as I didn't get online at all this weekend. I was so pleased with myself for doing extra walking yesterday at the mall and then a short walk with the kids only to realize I'd left my fitbit at home. Dang it. So it looks like I just sat on my butt all day, but at least my butt knows I didn't.

I'm still participating in the challenges so I suppose I should do an update. In phase 6 for Allan's challenge, I am still trying and I did lose a pound. I cannot figure out why I lose weight so slowly. Sigh.  It's so frustrating. But that's all I'm going to say on that for now as I feel that I've whined enough on that subject for a while.

In the June Boom challenge for the other Alan, I'm continuing to try to get my 30 min of exercise daily. Like I said Saturday I did a ton of housework, extra stuff, which isn't usually what I count as exercise. Other than that I did exercise somehow every day. Today's is also done so check for today.

In the small change challenge I had decided to make myself cook a few times as I hadn't been and I was getting frustrated and bored with food in general. I did cook a few times and this did help.  It was much easier for me to eat healthy food this week when it was stuff I had prepared and put some thought into.

And that's about it for today. Hope you all survived your Monday.

Woo hoo! WE are the Champs... Monday Catch up.

Has it really been nearly a week since I posted? Geez. Time has flown. I've been so super busy. Hubby was out of town all last week. I was single Mommy last week and that was hectic enough and add a very busy week in the office and I was crazy last week. PLUS the fact that my MAVS were in the playoffs and I was glued to the TV all the time. OH! Did I mention......


WE WON! Mavericks are the NBA Champs!

So I have some catching up to do. Thanks for the response to my last post. Your support is so awesome and it's one of the reasons I've made it this far.  Hubbie got home very late Thursday night, right as the Mavs won game 5.  Friday I woke up to exercise and I was sooooo sore that I decided that wasn't happening.  The day was crazy busy and I didn't get to work out. Saturday I spent all day helping the boys pack for camp. All. Day. Long. Two trips to Target. Two hours sewing patches onto shirts. By the time I dropped them off at 10:30pm I was soooo pooped. I'll miss them, but ....... well I think you understand, right?

Yesterday I told the girls we'd have a fun girls day. We woke up early, ate breakfast and then headed to the gym. I worked out for about an hour, then I took them swimming at the outdoor pool. The gym has a huge pool with big water slides. I swam some laps while the girls went up and down those slides about a billion times. Then while they went for their second billion, I sat in the shade and read. A rare and deserved break for me. Now that the girls swim like fish, I don't have to watch them every second. Plus there are life guards everywhere. It was a lovely afternoon.

Then once they were tired, well.......I was tired, we showered and dressed and caught a movie. The new Judy Moody and it was cute. The girls enjoyed it immensely. Back home I got ready for the game (you can read this, took a short nap), the girls watched TV and worked on an art project in the kitchen. I enjoyed the game and the girls even watched and cheered some with me. Train them right, eh?  They fell asleep in my bed before the game was over, but I have no idea how they slept through the hooting and hollering when my Mavs won.

And now........Challenge updates.

1. Phase 6:  I am continuing to lose weight. Not as fast as I'd like. I really thought I'd get 2 pounds down at least, but I did a lot of weight lifting this week and I think that made a difference. I weighed in this am and I was 190, down a pound from last week. That's 9 pounds for this challenge, 60 pounds since starting this blog and 84 pounds from my highest weight. I'm so looking forward to seeing 18something next week. A number I haven't seen in my adult life. I am in awe that I've made it this far and I'm still motivated to keep going.

2. June Boom!:  The challenge is to workout everyday and I have. Although Friday all I did was swim with the kids I count it. Swimming lap after lap with a 50 pound girl on your back has to count for exercise, right?  So here I am Day 13 of straight workouts. Pretty proud about that. In the last week I did:
Monday-Trainer, elliptical
Tuesday-TKD class
Wednesday-Swam laps, too sore to do much else
Thursday- TKD class and swam laps in the evening
Friday-swimming
Saturday-swimming
Sunday-Elliptical, weights, core training and swam laps
The only thing I wish I was doing better was my running. Part of the challenge was to do something I've been putting off. Mine was C25K. As you can see, I didn't get it done this week.  I was so sore from my trainer until Thursday, then TKD kicked my butt that day. I had planned to run and I just couldn't. It's still on my list. I'm not giving up on it.

3. Small Change: Well, this is the one I didn't do well on this week. I was supposed to get morning workouts in, but it didn't happen. Up too late too many times with the NBA games and super sore from all the other workouts.  I think I'll choose another goal this week as I am single mom again with boys gone, I see late nights in my future again. This week my small change is to post every day on this blog and track my water intake which I think has slipped a little. I woke up thirsty this morning. A sure sign it wasn't enough yesterday with all my time in the heat. I still want to get back to morning workouts, but I'll shift the focus and pressure on myself with that for this week.

And so that's a lot of info and I'm sorry for the long post, but that's what happens when you don't post everyday.   Today I will workout sometime this evening as I have a T-shirt to get at lunch. MAVS WON! Did I mention? I'll do something for exercise, I'll admit I'm sore from yesterday triceps and planks and situps with the 20pound medicine ball. Oh and back extensions. Sore. But happy. Grin.

Hope all of you are sticking to your goals and taking steps each day to meet your goals. Don't waste anymore time. Don't put them off. no more excuses. Let's all be successful this summer. I am planning to be at my goal weight by my next birthday in January. That's 60 more pounds or so. I have to keep my goals in focus. Are you focused and ready today? What are you doing to get yourself closer to your goals?

Weekend Wrap Up and Monday Weigh In and Challenge Updates

Here we are another Monday and this one is difficult after the let down and the Mavs loss last night. Series isn't over and I'm still believing in my team.  That said, here's the catch up for the weekend.

Friday ended up being a super busy day. Woke up in the morning and ran, C25K.  Work was crazy busy. After I ran to pick up the girls and shuttle them to their sleep over. Son was at a friend's. That means Hubby and I had an evening to ourselves. We went to see The Hangover II and it was hilarious. Probably not as good as the first since the first one was so unexpected and now we knew the format, but still a great laugh.

Saturday morning I stuck with my morning workout pledge and got up early to ride the bike. Did 30 min and then some super stretching for my soreness. Then, had to pick up the girls and get to TKD. My oldest girl tested and got her blue belt!  Yeah her! She did so well for a 6 year old and broke her board on the first try. I was proud.  After that it was home and lunch and rest. Then off to Sam's for the weekly run. HOT! And buying for a family of 5 is another workout by the time you get it in the basket, push around the store, push it to the car, load it, unload it and put it away!  I was super sweaty. That evening we got in the pool and swam for 2 hours and the water felt great. 

After the active day I was pooped and THEN guess who came to visit. GREAT! Felt like crap all day yesterday with bad cramps and terribly tired, then migraine on top of that. Needless to say, I didn't run as previously planned. A day off was needed anyway with my sore legs and other parts. I forgot how sore running can make your whole body.

Took the girls to a bday party yesterday afternoon and had to get to Wal-Mart for a few things including some potting soil as I have some plants that need re-potting. Picked up a couple more basil plants to add to the herb garden. After I picked up the girls I headed home for a nap. Since I'm in the June Boom challenge I forced myself to practice a little TKD and go for a very short walk. It wasn't much, but it was exercise and I met the requirements, barely.

Then, I sat and read in the shade on the porch while the kids swam before the BB game. Up late last night watching the game and girls fell asleep watching the Train your Dragon movie for the 30th time, exhausted from the gymnastics party and swimming. They slept in this morning and so did I. I have an appointment with the trainer today at noon and I'm dreading it. I tried to think of a reason to cancel and then realized with the challenge I'll have to workout sometime anyway. Might as well be a good one.

Can't breathe today. Asthma city and there's an air pollution watch today. This is how it is summer in Dallas. Husband is out of town all week. That's a good news/bad news situation.  Bad news, single parenting. Good news, early bed times and I can throw the kids in bed with me with a movie while I rest if needed.

Weight was down another pound and the 180s are in view. My weight was 191. I think it would've been less if the bloating hadn't arrived right before weigh in. Excellent timing as usual.  I haven't measured in a while and had actually planned that for today, but I think I'll wait a week for the bloat to be gone. My ring fit this am without being loose, which is definitely evidence that water is being retained. I'm hoping to see a 180something on my next weigh in, so I'm chugging the water and eating on plan.

Challenge Wrap up:
Phase 6: Lost 8 pounds so far in 3 weeks.
JuneBoom: Exercised everyday. C25K done twice so far and on plan for tomorrow.
Small change: Morning workouts 3 out of the last 5 days. Gonna keep this as a goal this week as well.

Hope you all had a great weekend. I was super busy as you can tell so I didn't do much reading or commenting so I'll be catching up today. Have a great Monday and just keep going!

A Challenging Month!

I am soooooo happy that the kids will be out of school after tomorrow. My last day driving to 3 different schools, at least for a few years!

Last night was terrible. I started feeling bad again, I guess the same bug. I had a headache and diarrhea and vomiting. TMI I'm sure, but this is stuff I talk about all day so I tend to be well....open about bodily functions. I threw up my dinner, such that it was as we're back to the liquids. After that I ate a few saltines. They are about the only thing that will stop my nausea, even though they are not on the plan. But, today I feel better and I'm back on track.

I'm a bit tired and grumpy after that feeling bad and the game last night. My Mavs lost, but I'm still feeling hopeful and it is, after all, a 7 game series!   That tired and grumpy led to one massive internal fight at lunchtime.

You see, it's National Running Day today. That's right. It's the day that everyone is supposed to run. And seeing as how I joined a challenge or two (more later) I really had to exercise. And since part of the challenge for me involves running, I REALLY had to do it. Had to. But, didn't want to.

I hope I'm not the only one that argues with myself. If I am, I don't want to know. But I had a MASSIVE fight with that little whiny bitch fat girl that still lives inside me and is LAZY as shit. EVERY excuse in the book she threw at me today. "But, I was sick. I'm so tired.  I'm wearing a nice outfit and my make up actually looks decent. I can't find my headphones. I only have an hour. It's sooooooo hot." 

And then she got mean," You've tried and tried to do the C25K and you never finish. What's the point of starting it yet again? You'll just give  up and fail and then you'll feel stupid again. I don't see the point in setting yourself up for that kind of failure. You're still WAY too fat to be a good runner. You should wait until you lose 20 more pounds, THEN you can run"

To which I countered that: Exercise makes me feel better. I was sick last night, but that was then and I'm fine now. My makeup will look just as good when I re-apply and being thin REALLY makes make up look good.  You don't NEED headphones, iphone has a speaker. And yes it's hot, but that's why we have a treadmill! And hour is PLENTY of time since the C25K only takes 30min. AND I don't care how many times I have to start this over, I'm finishing it. I want to run and I am going to. I was running 30 pounds ago. I can go faster now and WHAT would I be waiting for? How do you think I'll lose another 20? Sitting and watching TV. Now shut up and RUN!

So I did.

Who says ladies don't sweat?

I've joined a couple of challenges. I don't generally do them. Of course I've been in Allan's phase....whatever we're doing..6? And I'm doing pretty well. Lost some weight. If you're looking for a challenge with a lot of structure where you will lose weight, check it out here.

But, two of my fav bloggy friends are hosting these and I couldn't NOT join.

First I am doing the

This challenge is hosted by my friend Alan at Pounds off Playoff. I like it because it's about exercise and I've already got my food hands full (or empty as the case may be) with the other Allan's challenge.  I like it because it has simple rules. I'm slow so simple is good. Plus I'm busy and simple is a necessity.  The rules are:
1. Exercise everyday in June. I can do this. I can. I will exercise one way or another, every single day. It will only make me feel better. It will speed my weight loss and it will re-focus me on exercise. All good.
2. Start something you've been putting off.  One of the things that I love about Alan's blog is that he's always talking about simplifying your life and organizing. I had to chuckle when I read this because it is classic Alan. I will be starting C25K (yes AGAIN).  I've been on and off againing this one for months. It's time I got busy and finished the damn thing. And now that I've committed to exercise every single day, there's really no excuse.
3. Be publicly accountable.  I have no problem with this one. I will blog as I always do to meet this part.

The next one is from my friend Tami over at Nutmeg Notebook, one of my very fav recipe (and more) blogs.

Again, a very simple challenge, but that's the beauty of it. Basically you choose a goal each week to work on. It's supposed to be something small. The point is to prove to us all that small changes really add up to good health. A great concept! You can read about the rules here. My goal for this week is to get back in the habit of morning workouts. I just feel better when I workout in the morning, even if I workout again later in the day. (Yes. Yes you can work out more than once in a day. Grin) See how these 2 challenges will go hand in hand?
I'll probably pick something else next week, but this week I'll focus on that one.

And so that's all for today. Three challenges at the same time, but each with a different focus. Just in time for summer and a time when commitments are less for me. Last summer I spent a lot of time exercising, usually twice a day, sometimes 3 times if you count the evening swimming. I did great and lost weight and a lot of inches. I'm ready to really buckle down and get even closer to my goal. I have about 60 more pounds to my goal weight and I refuse to lose focus now!

Are you doing any challenges for the summer? If so which ones and why?

BTW, I received an award today. Thanks, Ninja! And I'll post on that later.

Enough

I've had enough.

I say again. I've had enough.

I woke up this morning and I had actually slept last night. I slept the night before, but that was with the aid of medication and the sleep isn't the same. I woke up this morning and I said, "Enough."

Enough sadness. Enough grief. Enough emotional turmoil. I'm not fooling myself into believing that I can just stop. But, I am saying that it is time to wake up and do something. Since last Saturday morning, I haven't logged my food. I haven't worked out.  I haven't drank my water. And it's time to say enough.

I will not make excuses. I will not fool myself into believing that how I've been the last few days has been, "not that bad." No more bull shit. Fact is, Monday I ate like shit. Healthier shit, but still.....Yesterday I ate healthy food, but too much and then I ate cookies. ENOUGH.

All the times before when I've tried to lose weight, I've said, "Oh well." Or "I can't"  or "it's too hard" or "I have fat genetics" or "I'm too stressed" or whatever load of BS I was shoveling at that particular time.  All the times before, I have regained what I'd lost and more. All the times before are not THIS time.

Today, I say ENOUGH.

I can do this. I can and I will. I must. I will get back on track. I may not like it. It's so much easier to bury myself in food. Wrap myself in the comfort of cookies and cakes and ice cream and all the other stuff. It's easier in the short run. As easy as it is for a drug addict to keep shooting up. Easy for a while and then.......really really hard.

Ask an addict which is harder-being an addict where you lose everything and everyone and the only thing important to you is getting your fix. Or getting clean and being clean and having a family, a job, a future. I look at my food addiction the same way. It will kill me. It will take from me the things I want most. It will limit my life to only it. And so I say enough.

And I say, "Screw you Fat Self." Screw you for your feelings of defeat, your weakness, your willingness to give in. Screw you for not fighting harder to get through these difficult times with more resolve. Screw you for not trying harder. Screw you for liking food so much.

I also say, "It's OK Fat self".  You are a part of me. I love you. I cannot blame you for everything wrong in my life. I accept you. You are the part of me that got me through most of my life. I know it's hard for you. All these new attitudes and activities I expect of you  are scary sometimes for you. I know you've tried and I know you are willing to try again. I will give you a chance to change. But, I will not let you hold me back.  I know you aren't in the MOOD to get back on track. I know you don't really WANT to get back to logging your food and exercising. I know it. BUT, we're doing it anyway.

Finally I say, ENOUGH. Enough excuses. Enough avoiding reality. Enough being sad. Enough regret. Enough guilt. Enough negative thoughts. Enough giving food power over me. Enough.

I know I've gained some weight. I know it. But, you know what I did today? I got up and said, "Enough".  I put on makeup I fixed my hair. I have a meeting tonight and last week I'd planned on wearing my new dress which is spring colors and fits AND is an XL I bought at Kohl's in the "normal" size section. I was excited about it last week. Today, I woke up and as I got out of bed I didn't want to wear that dress. I wanted to just wear scrubs or my too-baggy black pants. I got in the shower and I said, "Enough".

I'm wearing the dress despite the several pounds I've gained. It fits and still looks good. And I feel better. Just doing SOMETHING feels better. Just getting my mind back in order feels better. I know I still have a lot of work to do. I know I still have pounds to lose AGAIN to get back to where I was. So What? I know I can do it. I've done it before. I know how and I know I CAN and I know I WILL.

All I have to do is wake up everyday, like today, and say, "Enough".

Have you said it yet? Have you had set backs in your journey to healthy living? If so, how did you over come them?  If you haven't, what's stopping you? No one can do it for you.

I am not afraid!

So in my last post I talked about not being able to decide whether to do Allan's challenge. I've been thinking about why. And I've figured it out. I was afraid. Afraid that I wouldn't do well. Then I ask my self WHY? Well, because deep down I know I haven't been as dedicated as I should be to my goal. Oh I've still been doing what I should for the most part. For the most part...

WTF does that mean? Well...it means that there are times when I'm NOT doing what I need to. I know I can do better. I know it. And I'm not. That's bullshit. That's old way of thinking. That's me lying to myself that I'm just fine the way I am shit. That's Me believing all the wonderful compliments that are heaped on me lately. How I look so good and have done so well. That's old brain shit thinking.

Reality check: I am a 41 year old woman with a family history of diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, cancer, and obesity. I weigh 201 pounds. I am 5'1".  My BMI is 38. Granted that's down from 47.7 when I started this and 50 at my highest weight of 264. But it is still 40 pounds from not being obese. Are you kidding me? And I have the nerve to act like I've done something great?   I have 3 kids. I want to see them grow up. It is crazy talk to think I'm done or any where NEAR done.

Truth is I have focused on TKD which is great, but I can't forget my cardio and other work. I can't forget my water. I can't forget that I'm fighting for my life here. I've worked really hard to get where I am. There's nothing wrong with being proud of that unless it gets in my way of completing the task and reaching goal. 

I get so tired of the excuses that spew out of the mouths of my patients and I refuse to use them either. Too tired, too stressed, too busy, too hard.  Things like: I need to lose weight first, Then I'll be motivated to keep going. I need to see results or I give up.  I just hate to exercise so I'll just work harder on the eating part and then maybe when I'm smaller I can do it. I don't like vegetables. I hate salads. I don't have time to eat a real lunch so I just drive through.  I'm really active at work, I never sit down.

You can always do better, work hard, learn something new. You should always be looking for ways to improve yourself mentally or physically. ALWAYS. I was getting comfortable. That's over people. I have to get myself to remember why I started this in the first place. And I AM NOT DONE. Yes I've done things I never dreamed of.  Things like running, weight lifting, push ups, sit ups (real ones!), Tae Kwon Do in front of LOTS of people. Sweating my brains out while little Johnny's mom and dad and grandparents take video.   And if I feel this proud NOW of what I've done, imagine how I'll feel at goal.

And I ask myself: DON'T YOU WANT TO FEEL WHAT THAT'S LIKE?

To know the pride and accomplishment of being at goal weight?

Putting your mind to something and doing it is not new to me.  There were so many things going against me when I applied to medical school.  I didn't have straight As. I didn't score that great on the MCAT. Unlike everyone else, and I'm not kidding everyone, I interviewed with I am not a child of a doctor.  I was overweight. The suit I wore that day was a size 18/20.  I came from a single parent home and we didn't have the money to pay for med school. BUT, I didn't let anything stop me. NOTHING. I was determined to be a doctor. I KNEW IN MY BONES that this is what I was meant to do.  AND I didn't care how long it took, I was going to do it somehow, someway.   Don't get me wrong. I had moments of self doubt. I even thought about not applying to med school at all.  But, I realized that I couldn't let fear get in my way.  It was hard, terrifying at times. Exhausting. Nearly destroyed my marriage. BUT, I made it through and achieved my goal.

So you listen to me self:  Cut this shit out. This fat will kill you. KILL YOU. And this isn't easy. Did you think it would get EASIER? That's bullshit. It doesn't get easier. It will likely get harder. But, that's OK. YOU can do this. YOU CAN. There is no such thing as perfection, but that doesn't mean you can't strive for it. Set the bar high. IF YOU DON'T, YOU'LL NEVER REACH IT.  And challenges are not about pleasing others or beating others. They are about CHALLENGING yourself.  Being afraid you can't do it will only result in your NOT doing it.

So I'm not afraid. Failure is not an option. I will not give up. Not ever. And I'm in, Allan.....ALL in.