Total Fail

Yesterday was a total fail. I'm not going into detail, just know that I had a weird bad day and I don't know what brought it on. I didn't work out. I ate stuff I shouldn't have. After all this time of doing so well, yesterday was a TOTAL FAIL. There are no other words for it.

I got up this morning and brushed it off. One day, well really it was only one evening, of total fail does not a failure make.  I have come a really long way to get that. In the past when I've screwed up it meant the whole effort was a failure. I did fine until last night and this morning, I'm right back on track eating on plan with the liquids starting again today and exercise with a TKD class in the works. I'll be sure to swim some laps tonight as well.

I wish I knew why I do that. When I know I shouldn't be eating what I'm eating, but I do it anyway. Is it weakness? Neurosis? Addiction? Self-punishment? Is it emotional eating? Rebellion? Anger at the whole restricted diet? Wanting to reward myself? Or just plain stupidity? Doesn't really matter does it? What matters is that I got up this morning and recognized my mistake and moved forward. What matters is that it's been months since I had a total fail. These things get fewer and farther between and I hope I'll put them behind me for good. Even at a goal weight you can't afford many of these things. I just have to realize that to look the way I want and feel the way I want there are certain foods that I just can't have.

What's weird is I know that. I'm actually fine with it. When I started this whole business of life change I would get all antsy at the thought of never having chips or ice cream or fries or burgers. Now, it just doesn't matter that much. I've found healthy alternatives for those things and I honestly don't miss the garbage I used to eat regularly. The thought of fast food turns my stomach these days. I mean even last night I took the girls to Sonic as a treat, but I didn't order me a thing except a diet limeade.  I just didn't want that crap.

But then I got home and I was tired and feeling lazy. I ate some stuff, then ate some more. AHA! Maybe it was the not wanting to cook a meal and just grabbing something that set off this total fail. Of course it was. Truth is I wasn't THAT hungry last night. But I ate crap I shouldn't have anyway. Boredom? Tired? Boys being gone so no one was watching?

Truth is my definition of TOTAL FAIL has completely changed. Used to it would be a whole day if not weeks of eating crap. Candy, cookies, cakes, Mexican food, pizza, Chinese. Meal after meal of take out or drive through. Now, it was one evening of snacking on a few things I shouldn't eat. Maybe that's less of a fail than I realize. BUT, my standards are higher now. I just don't do that anymore. It's one of the reasons I've lost 84 pounds.  And the fact that I recognize the problem and put a stop to it means that this life change business is real.

My lifestyle is different now. I am absolutely committed to losing this weight and having an active and healthy lifestyle. One slip doesn't destroy that. BUT, it doesn't make it right either. I have high expectations for me now. I expect better for myself. I'm harder on myself because I have to be. I'm disappointed in myself, but I won't allow that to put me off my plan.

AND, here I am using this blog the way I envisioned when I started it. Working out my issues, staying accountable and staying on track.  Now THAT is no fail. That's a victory.

I am not afraid!

So in my last post I talked about not being able to decide whether to do Allan's challenge. I've been thinking about why. And I've figured it out. I was afraid. Afraid that I wouldn't do well. Then I ask my self WHY? Well, because deep down I know I haven't been as dedicated as I should be to my goal. Oh I've still been doing what I should for the most part. For the most part...

WTF does that mean? Well...it means that there are times when I'm NOT doing what I need to. I know I can do better. I know it. And I'm not. That's bullshit. That's old way of thinking. That's me lying to myself that I'm just fine the way I am shit. That's Me believing all the wonderful compliments that are heaped on me lately. How I look so good and have done so well. That's old brain shit thinking.

Reality check: I am a 41 year old woman with a family history of diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, cancer, and obesity. I weigh 201 pounds. I am 5'1".  My BMI is 38. Granted that's down from 47.7 when I started this and 50 at my highest weight of 264. But it is still 40 pounds from not being obese. Are you kidding me? And I have the nerve to act like I've done something great?   I have 3 kids. I want to see them grow up. It is crazy talk to think I'm done or any where NEAR done.

Truth is I have focused on TKD which is great, but I can't forget my cardio and other work. I can't forget my water. I can't forget that I'm fighting for my life here. I've worked really hard to get where I am. There's nothing wrong with being proud of that unless it gets in my way of completing the task and reaching goal. 

I get so tired of the excuses that spew out of the mouths of my patients and I refuse to use them either. Too tired, too stressed, too busy, too hard.  Things like: I need to lose weight first, Then I'll be motivated to keep going. I need to see results or I give up.  I just hate to exercise so I'll just work harder on the eating part and then maybe when I'm smaller I can do it. I don't like vegetables. I hate salads. I don't have time to eat a real lunch so I just drive through.  I'm really active at work, I never sit down.

You can always do better, work hard, learn something new. You should always be looking for ways to improve yourself mentally or physically. ALWAYS. I was getting comfortable. That's over people. I have to get myself to remember why I started this in the first place. And I AM NOT DONE. Yes I've done things I never dreamed of.  Things like running, weight lifting, push ups, sit ups (real ones!), Tae Kwon Do in front of LOTS of people. Sweating my brains out while little Johnny's mom and dad and grandparents take video.   And if I feel this proud NOW of what I've done, imagine how I'll feel at goal.

And I ask myself: DON'T YOU WANT TO FEEL WHAT THAT'S LIKE?

To know the pride and accomplishment of being at goal weight?

Putting your mind to something and doing it is not new to me.  There were so many things going against me when I applied to medical school.  I didn't have straight As. I didn't score that great on the MCAT. Unlike everyone else, and I'm not kidding everyone, I interviewed with I am not a child of a doctor.  I was overweight. The suit I wore that day was a size 18/20.  I came from a single parent home and we didn't have the money to pay for med school. BUT, I didn't let anything stop me. NOTHING. I was determined to be a doctor. I KNEW IN MY BONES that this is what I was meant to do.  AND I didn't care how long it took, I was going to do it somehow, someway.   Don't get me wrong. I had moments of self doubt. I even thought about not applying to med school at all.  But, I realized that I couldn't let fear get in my way.  It was hard, terrifying at times. Exhausting. Nearly destroyed my marriage. BUT, I made it through and achieved my goal.

So you listen to me self:  Cut this shit out. This fat will kill you. KILL YOU. And this isn't easy. Did you think it would get EASIER? That's bullshit. It doesn't get easier. It will likely get harder. But, that's OK. YOU can do this. YOU CAN. There is no such thing as perfection, but that doesn't mean you can't strive for it. Set the bar high. IF YOU DON'T, YOU'LL NEVER REACH IT.  And challenges are not about pleasing others or beating others. They are about CHALLENGING yourself.  Being afraid you can't do it will only result in your NOT doing it.

So I'm not afraid. Failure is not an option. I will not give up. Not ever. And I'm in, Allan.....ALL in.