Total Fail

Yesterday was a total fail. I'm not going into detail, just know that I had a weird bad day and I don't know what brought it on. I didn't work out. I ate stuff I shouldn't have. After all this time of doing so well, yesterday was a TOTAL FAIL. There are no other words for it.

I got up this morning and brushed it off. One day, well really it was only one evening, of total fail does not a failure make.  I have come a really long way to get that. In the past when I've screwed up it meant the whole effort was a failure. I did fine until last night and this morning, I'm right back on track eating on plan with the liquids starting again today and exercise with a TKD class in the works. I'll be sure to swim some laps tonight as well.

I wish I knew why I do that. When I know I shouldn't be eating what I'm eating, but I do it anyway. Is it weakness? Neurosis? Addiction? Self-punishment? Is it emotional eating? Rebellion? Anger at the whole restricted diet? Wanting to reward myself? Or just plain stupidity? Doesn't really matter does it? What matters is that I got up this morning and recognized my mistake and moved forward. What matters is that it's been months since I had a total fail. These things get fewer and farther between and I hope I'll put them behind me for good. Even at a goal weight you can't afford many of these things. I just have to realize that to look the way I want and feel the way I want there are certain foods that I just can't have.

What's weird is I know that. I'm actually fine with it. When I started this whole business of life change I would get all antsy at the thought of never having chips or ice cream or fries or burgers. Now, it just doesn't matter that much. I've found healthy alternatives for those things and I honestly don't miss the garbage I used to eat regularly. The thought of fast food turns my stomach these days. I mean even last night I took the girls to Sonic as a treat, but I didn't order me a thing except a diet limeade.  I just didn't want that crap.

But then I got home and I was tired and feeling lazy. I ate some stuff, then ate some more. AHA! Maybe it was the not wanting to cook a meal and just grabbing something that set off this total fail. Of course it was. Truth is I wasn't THAT hungry last night. But I ate crap I shouldn't have anyway. Boredom? Tired? Boys being gone so no one was watching?

Truth is my definition of TOTAL FAIL has completely changed. Used to it would be a whole day if not weeks of eating crap. Candy, cookies, cakes, Mexican food, pizza, Chinese. Meal after meal of take out or drive through. Now, it was one evening of snacking on a few things I shouldn't eat. Maybe that's less of a fail than I realize. BUT, my standards are higher now. I just don't do that anymore. It's one of the reasons I've lost 84 pounds.  And the fact that I recognize the problem and put a stop to it means that this life change business is real.

My lifestyle is different now. I am absolutely committed to losing this weight and having an active and healthy lifestyle. One slip doesn't destroy that. BUT, it doesn't make it right either. I have high expectations for me now. I expect better for myself. I'm harder on myself because I have to be. I'm disappointed in myself, but I won't allow that to put me off my plan.

AND, here I am using this blog the way I envisioned when I started it. Working out my issues, staying accountable and staying on track.  Now THAT is no fail. That's a victory.

F&*^% .....Friday...Hot 100.. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

It's a long one. Sorry.
First let's talk about yesterday. Woke up, felt good. On time, kids ready, and out the door. Smiling even. I was a little sore, not too bad. I ate egg beaters, a piece of toast and a plum for breakfast, 288cal. At lunch, I was ready to workout. No gym bag. No prob, home I went. Did a program on the bike, 7miles and hills. Sweaty and felt good. But, 24 hours after the push ups I was pretty sore.

Lunch was a turkey pastrami wrap with mustard and lettuce and some grapes and a plum 36o cal.  And then it hit-PAIN. BAD.  I was hurting all afternoon and by the end of the day even sitting up hurt. Great.

So I finally made it through work.  On the way home from work, I got a migraine. Luckily Nanny had cooked, bless her soul. Roast and veggies and a salad. I had to lay down for a while and took a pain pill.  Ate a little and then back in bed. Trouble sleeping due to pain and HA. Took meds which led to...

Apparently I turned my alarm off in my sleep this morning 'cause I woke up late. BAD news since I felt bad last night, no lunch packed for kids, no books ready for "mystery reader" time in the morning, no check written for band shit, no clothes picked out for the girls. Got Son to football practice 5 min late, but made it. Back home, mad Dash, everybody ready. Out to car and.....dead battery. Apparently I didn't get my door shut in my rush and so lights were on for the last hour. AHH!

Called Mom. She came, jumped battery. Daughter tardy. First Grade, so fuck it.  Took car to Wal Mart. Battery fine. Sigh. Things looking better. Had 4 yr old with me and she was hungry. Went to McDs and got coffee and her a cinnamon roll (yeah, I know, I know.  Healthy right? But at this point...On the bright side kid didn't even know there was a McDs in there and we go to that WalMart all the time, so that made me smile)  NO CASH so $4.32 on the Amex later.....

Dropped little one at pre-K, off to work. LATE.  Saw patients in mad dash because had to be at Middle girl's school for Mystery reader by 11:30am. Mad dash to said school. Read books, cute kids blah blah. Restrained myself from yelling at the little shit in the front row who kept saying, "I can't see the picture" and then proceeding to pick his nose. (HOW do teachers deal with that shit without killing a kid at least twice a day). GOOD Mommy vibes and I brought the middle kiddo a little Debbie cake for snack. YEAH, but she already KNEW the little one had the cinnamon roll PLUS I had thought that her lunch was AFTER reading time and I told her I'd bring her lunch and THEN her lunch was BEFORE and I couldn't get there in time due to work so YES! I bought the damned Little Debbie Strawberry shortcake roll. I didn't buy the oatmeal things I love or the Swiss rolls that I love or the zebra cakes that I love but I did buy the trash food that I shouldn't give my kids let alone ply them with food to love me, BUT I DID this one time. Damn!

Wait...I'm not done.

So then I leave the school finally feeling like things will calm down. I take the van to get the oil changed because YES we're driving to Oklahoma tomorrow for the OU game and NO I haven't had time to do it or felt good enough to notice. AHhhh! (And no I haven't packed yet!) So I get there and the nice man who always does it asks, "Um...would you like me to do your inspection also while you are here?"  What? Why? Huh? OH...because APPARENTLY it was expired in JULY and I have been driving around like one of those AIRHEAD idiots I loathe for THREE MONTHS. And then I hear, "And mam, Your registration expired then also. Did you know that?" FUCK! 

So the very nice man did the work and I headed home thinking where the HELL did I put the damn registration sticker and I'm F-ING HUNGRY! I walk in the door and pull out the salad that I planned for lunch, take a step toward getting a fork and MY DAMN SHOE BREAKS.  The little cute black ballet shoes I LOVE. Do you see where this might be headed?

I growled and then giggled and then ate my salad. Then I ate the small piece of roast beef and carrots left from dinner and then I ate some watermelon. Meanwhile...I'm looking for the sticker and I can't find it and NOW I can't remember where I put it and did I get it paid?  I know I had it somewhere and then.... I snapped. I don't know why but at that moment I was hungry and I wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich BAD.

I marched into the pantry, took the peanut butter. Got my 45 cal wheat bread, measured the grape jelly and peanut butter and ate myself a 350 calorie fucking wonderful PBJ.  Here's the deal.  My husband went to Sam's on Monday and bought stuff. We needed jelly. He got WELCH's grape. People. This is my fav jelly for the PBJ. We haven't had this shit in the house for MONTHs. I make PBJ 3 times a week for lunches and NEVER do I need one. I don't even lick the SPOON!  NEVER! And when I saw that jelly come in the house, my mouth watered and I wanted it. I pushed it aside until today. Now I have to go home and explain to Husband why we have to throw away brand new jelly. THE GIANT GD SAM'S SQUEEZY ONE!

I am angry at being so sore, not from the exercise but the surgery. I KNOW maybe it's unrealistic to be back so fast. But I WANT to be. I am so tired of not being able to do what I WANT. You think someone might be trying to teach me about not NEGLECTING the ability to workout when I can? Well, I GET IT already! I'm sorry I didn't work out all those many stupid stupid years and I will NEVER take for granted my body again. I didn't work out today. I had planned my long awaited return to the gym. Not for weights, but my beloved elliptical. Alas, we will have to let our love affair wait a little longer. 

Hot 100 Update:
1) Get to size 12 jeans: Well, I'm in the 14s, but today I'm wearing the 16 because the 14 rubs my incision just the wrong way, so I didn't get to wear them in public yet. And with not working out....
2) Get to 199 pounds: At least this one is headed back in the right direction with the losses this week. I saw 210 on the scale today. One more pound and back to where I was, pre-surgery.
3) Do the 100 push ups and 200 sit ups 3 times a week: I tried, but still too sore. Not yet
4) Run a 5K: Well, this is the only one I'm getting closer to. This weekend I'll register for the 5K for my high school's PTA on November 14th. I SERIOUSLY doubt, in fact, I know I won't be running it. But I'm doing it even if I have to walk the whole damn thing. I haven't ran in a month. How depressing. I may have to start the C25K over and that makes me feel like a major fail. Sigh.
5) Get my yellow belt in TKD: Not even close. No classes for 3 weeks and I may not be able to go back next week if I'm not doing better as I had planned yesterday.

Now I feel like a giant loser after how happy I was and the post from yesterday and I was all ready to go.  I feel like I'm not going to accomplish those challenge goals in time and that makes me feel like a loser. I ate the damn PBJ in a fit of emotional hunger pangs. The only bright side is that I stopped to measure the damn PBJ. So if I had the sense to do that, why OH why did I go ahead and eat that shit? Sigh. I fed my kids shit and bribed them with food. Sigh.  After the 580 calorie lunch I had, I have like 400 cal left to eat today and we were supposed to order pizza. NO WAY I'm letting that crap in the house now when I feel like this. Sigh.

On the bright side, OU homecoming weekend and Iowa State is toast. Nebraska will kick TX ASS which always make me smile.  My Cowboys and my Vikings are matching up this Sunday and they are both in the toilet, we'll see which one gets flushed. Money's on the Boys going down in a blaze of poo, but Hey, sometimes they surprise me. Either way, they both are SUCKING. BUT, the Rangers meet the Yanks tonight and for ONCE I am interested in a baseball game. Go RANGERS!

That's it. Good lord that's enough. Haven't had time to read a single blog yet. Maybe later while the game is on. TTFN....

Weigh-in F@#(*!&!-ing Wednesday

I weighed in this morning. I didn't really want to knowing that the scale was on a trend to show a gain. And, yep. There was a gain. I'm up 1.8 pounds. It is so hard not to get angry and disheartened. But, I'm gong to take a deep breath and move on.

As I look back over the last week, I see that I was under budget for calories by nearly 4,000 calories. I spent 545 minutes exercising. This does not include any house cleaning calories, yardwork, etc. This is working out time. That's a little over 9 hours in the last 7 days. I ate a few things I shouldn't have. I had chocolate twice and I had Mike's Hard Lemonade. But, dammit, I'm not going my whole life without occasionally having these things. I guess that means that some weeks I'll lose slower or gain. I guess I have to come to terms with it somehow.

Of course, I did lose 4 pounds last week and there's that whole, "correction" BS. When I look back at my food, I ate less than 30% from fat. I eat about 25-30% from protein, and around 50% carb. Maybe it's too much carb. But, nearly all my carbs are fruit. Then I wonder, maybe I'm not eating enough. I don't eat back all my exercise calories. I don't freakin know and I'm a doctor.

What I do know is that overall when I look at the trends, what I've been doing is working overall. After I weighed, I made myself measure because I do it once a month. There was some brighter news here. I've lost another 2.5 inches in my hips. I knew my pants were getting looser. I've lost a total of 15.5 inches since the beginning of June when I measured. I can't find my old measurements from 2 years ago when I joined the gym. It makes me mad, but when I moved last summer stuff got lost. I remember what my hips were then, but not the rest. That would be 8 inches off my hips since then.

In other news, I worked out with my trainer yesterday and my BFF who is in town for a few days. It was a lot of fun. Hard, but fun. We've had a great time the last few days talking about food, exercise, challenges-- all that. She asked me the question about eating after 6pm at night. This is something I get asked a lot.

Should I not eat after 6 or 8 or some other time since my body can't burn it off while I'm sleeping? My answer is that your body burns fuel as long as you are breathing. If you have calories in your budget and you are hungry, there's nothing wrong with having a snack. Will it cause short term variability in your weight, i.e. the next am? Probably. But, long term it all evens out. Your body doesn't run on a 9-5 schedule. It is a machine, constantly humming away. Do you burn more calories when you are up and active? Of course. But your body needs fuel all day and all night. If you are a night owl, it might affect when you have your snacks, etc.

I'm so happy that she's tracking her food and exercising. She's down 3.6 pounds and she is on her way.

Also yesterday I had a situation with a patient. One of those where I have to take a deep breath and be empathetic. Try not to laugh. Try not to get angry. Just smile and remember the patient needs a doctor to relate to them where they are and in a way that makes sense to them. Sometimes it is really hard. The patient was in for a physical. I see this patient every year for a physical and he is in his 40s. So he says to me, "Doc, I know last year there were some things you said I needed to change, but I just can't remember what you said I needed to do differently." Really? Really, you have no idea what I might have said considering you weigh almost 400lbs? This is a patient I've been seeing for 10 years. Every year we have the same conversation.

I can understand knowing you need to lose weight and not being able to. I can understand knowing you need to exercise and not doing it. I've done all those things. But, to tell me you can't remember what you needed to do to be healthy and you are that over weight. That is denial in the purest form. It's just sad and infuriating at the same time.

Wrapping up: I am UP in weight. DOWN because my "I've lost 30 pounds" isn't really true anymore. UP because I've lost over 15 inches. DOWN because I get tired of working so hard. UP because I CAN work so hard now. I mean, I bench pressed 70 pounds yesterday and did 100 reps. Wow. DOWN because I'm feeling frustrated. UP because I'm not letting "one of those weigh-ins" stop me.

Sometimes I can't believe all the emotions I have and all the thoughts that go through my head now. Is that because I'm not stuffing them with food anymore? I don't know. But, I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing for now. I. Will. Not. Stop....Ever.