Yesterday was a total fail. I'm not going into detail, just know that I had a weird bad day and I don't know what brought it on. I didn't work out. I ate stuff I shouldn't have. After all this time of doing so well, yesterday was a TOTAL FAIL. There are no other words for it.
I got up this morning and brushed it off. One day, well really it was only one evening, of total fail does not a failure make. I have come a really long way to get that. In the past when I've screwed up it meant the whole effort was a failure. I did fine until last night and this morning, I'm right back on track eating on plan with the liquids starting again today and exercise with a TKD class in the works. I'll be sure to swim some laps tonight as well.
I wish I knew why I do that. When I know I shouldn't be eating what I'm eating, but I do it anyway. Is it weakness? Neurosis? Addiction? Self-punishment? Is it emotional eating? Rebellion? Anger at the whole restricted diet? Wanting to reward myself? Or just plain stupidity? Doesn't really matter does it? What matters is that I got up this morning and recognized my mistake and moved forward. What matters is that it's been months since I had a total fail. These things get fewer and farther between and I hope I'll put them behind me for good. Even at a goal weight you can't afford many of these things. I just have to realize that to look the way I want and feel the way I want there are certain foods that I just can't have.
What's weird is I know that. I'm actually fine with it. When I started this whole business of life change I would get all antsy at the thought of never having chips or ice cream or fries or burgers. Now, it just doesn't matter that much. I've found healthy alternatives for those things and I honestly don't miss the garbage I used to eat regularly. The thought of fast food turns my stomach these days. I mean even last night I took the girls to Sonic as a treat, but I didn't order me a thing except a diet limeade. I just didn't want that crap.
But then I got home and I was tired and feeling lazy. I ate some stuff, then ate some more. AHA! Maybe it was the not wanting to cook a meal and just grabbing something that set off this total fail. Of course it was. Truth is I wasn't THAT hungry last night. But I ate crap I shouldn't have anyway. Boredom? Tired? Boys being gone so no one was watching?
Truth is my definition of TOTAL FAIL has completely changed. Used to it would be a whole day if not weeks of eating crap. Candy, cookies, cakes, Mexican food, pizza, Chinese. Meal after meal of take out or drive through. Now, it was one evening of snacking on a few things I shouldn't eat. Maybe that's less of a fail than I realize. BUT, my standards are higher now. I just don't do that anymore. It's one of the reasons I've lost 84 pounds. And the fact that I recognize the problem and put a stop to it means that this life change business is real.
My lifestyle is different now. I am absolutely committed to losing this weight and having an active and healthy lifestyle. One slip doesn't destroy that. BUT, it doesn't make it right either. I have high expectations for me now. I expect better for myself. I'm harder on myself because I have to be. I'm disappointed in myself, but I won't allow that to put me off my plan.
AND, here I am using this blog the way I envisioned when I started it. Working out my issues, staying accountable and staying on track. Now THAT is no fail. That's a victory.
This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.