This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

I am not afraid!

So in my last post I talked about not being able to decide whether to do Allan's challenge. I've been thinking about why. And I've figured it out. I was afraid. Afraid that I wouldn't do well. Then I ask my self WHY? Well, because deep down I know I haven't been as dedicated as I should be to my goal. Oh I've still been doing what I should for the most part. For the most part...

WTF does that mean? Well...it means that there are times when I'm NOT doing what I need to. I know I can do better. I know it. And I'm not. That's bullshit. That's old way of thinking. That's me lying to myself that I'm just fine the way I am shit. That's Me believing all the wonderful compliments that are heaped on me lately. How I look so good and have done so well. That's old brain shit thinking.

Reality check: I am a 41 year old woman with a family history of diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, cancer, and obesity. I weigh 201 pounds. I am 5'1".  My BMI is 38. Granted that's down from 47.7 when I started this and 50 at my highest weight of 264. But it is still 40 pounds from not being obese. Are you kidding me? And I have the nerve to act like I've done something great?   I have 3 kids. I want to see them grow up. It is crazy talk to think I'm done or any where NEAR done.

Truth is I have focused on TKD which is great, but I can't forget my cardio and other work. I can't forget my water. I can't forget that I'm fighting for my life here. I've worked really hard to get where I am. There's nothing wrong with being proud of that unless it gets in my way of completing the task and reaching goal. 

I get so tired of the excuses that spew out of the mouths of my patients and I refuse to use them either. Too tired, too stressed, too busy, too hard.  Things like: I need to lose weight first, Then I'll be motivated to keep going. I need to see results or I give up.  I just hate to exercise so I'll just work harder on the eating part and then maybe when I'm smaller I can do it. I don't like vegetables. I hate salads. I don't have time to eat a real lunch so I just drive through.  I'm really active at work, I never sit down.

You can always do better, work hard, learn something new. You should always be looking for ways to improve yourself mentally or physically. ALWAYS. I was getting comfortable. That's over people. I have to get myself to remember why I started this in the first place. And I AM NOT DONE. Yes I've done things I never dreamed of.  Things like running, weight lifting, push ups, sit ups (real ones!), Tae Kwon Do in front of LOTS of people. Sweating my brains out while little Johnny's mom and dad and grandparents take video.   And if I feel this proud NOW of what I've done, imagine how I'll feel at goal.


To know the pride and accomplishment of being at goal weight?

Putting your mind to something and doing it is not new to me.  There were so many things going against me when I applied to medical school.  I didn't have straight As. I didn't score that great on the MCAT. Unlike everyone else, and I'm not kidding everyone, I interviewed with I am not a child of a doctor.  I was overweight. The suit I wore that day was a size 18/20.  I came from a single parent home and we didn't have the money to pay for med school. BUT, I didn't let anything stop me. NOTHING. I was determined to be a doctor. I KNEW IN MY BONES that this is what I was meant to do.  AND I didn't care how long it took, I was going to do it somehow, someway.   Don't get me wrong. I had moments of self doubt. I even thought about not applying to med school at all.  But, I realized that I couldn't let fear get in my way.  It was hard, terrifying at times. Exhausting. Nearly destroyed my marriage. BUT, I made it through and achieved my goal.

So you listen to me self:  Cut this shit out. This fat will kill you. KILL YOU. And this isn't easy. Did you think it would get EASIER? That's bullshit. It doesn't get easier. It will likely get harder. But, that's OK. YOU can do this. YOU CAN. There is no such thing as perfection, but that doesn't mean you can't strive for it. Set the bar high. IF YOU DON'T, YOU'LL NEVER REACH IT.  And challenges are not about pleasing others or beating others. They are about CHALLENGING yourself.  Being afraid you can't do it will only result in your NOT doing it.

So I'm not afraid. Failure is not an option. I will not give up. Not ever. And I'm in, Allan.....ALL in.


  1. "This fat will kill you. KILL YOU"

    Yes. That was the tipping point in my journey, the moment that reality hit me in the face.

  2. I knew you would join us again. There's really no reason not to. I love your "no fear" attitude. I need to borrow it.

  3. You CAN do this. I'm 42. I'm 5'3". One year ago I weighed 187, today 144. Just remember, you don't have to lose 40 lbs. You just need to lose one pound, and then one more, and then one more. I never could have got my head around losing 100 lbs - it's too much! But I could lose 2 lbs. Then another and another. That's how it goes on, that's how it comes off. And you should be proud and happy with what you have accomplished so far. But I will tell you, when you are close(r) to your goal weight, you will look back and think wow.. I was still really out of shape lol.. at least that's what I did. Have a great day!

  4. Amazing post. Seriously what I needed to hear right now. I emailed Allan yesterday to leave the challenge. And I question if it's a lot of fear. After reading this.. it is. I am terrified of not doing this.

    I am going to come back here and reread this post.. every time I feel like giving up. Thank you for sharing your decision... and you go rock that challenge.. for you!!

  5. Love it! The Dr.'s back!
    You can do this, I can do this.
    Bookmark this post!

  6. ..heck..print this out and post it on the fridge. You hashed it all out here and said some things that go for all of us. I could relate to your issues of being the 'fish out of water ' in med school and the struggles you've overcome. Thank you for sharing that part of your journey. It reminded me of some of the struggles I've gone thru and gave me some food for thought...I might post something about my journey that is like this.......so glad you have recommitted.. We are in this!..phase 5.

  7. Good to see you back on course!! Have a great weekend.

  8. Great post and self talk to yourself Doc. I eavesdropped and and feel the same. You've got a great attitude and are so very strong. Go for it!

  9. YES! YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!! Am very proud to be your electronic new friend as I read your post today. Way to GO! I still say that you've lost 47 pounds, which is just amazing. Don't discount that. I don't know much about Allan's challenges - I am still doing my HCG stuff - but I imagine that it will be a great thing for you to do. We are all with you! xoxoxoxoxox GP

  10. All in, that's awesome, I'm proud of you. I think the next however long is going to really good for both of us.

  11. Awesome!! So glad you're back in. You are SO right. Keep up the awesome attitude!

  12. Good for you. Love your determined attitude.

    When I was at Disneyland, I could not help notice all the folks in those scooters. Every SINGLE one of them was morbidly obese, too. Their bodies were given out and now they were at that park and could not enjoy it and walk around. Now, I know that everyone's life situation is different, but, I am guessing for more, they never were able to be "all in." Always waiting for another day to work on their health. And now their health is well, in a scooter, for crying outloud. That is not my choice and I know it is not yours either.

  13. Doc...boy, did I ever need to read a post like that today. You really nailed where my head is at...complacency is a killer and stops us fighting as hard as we did at the start of our new healthier life. Thanks.


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