I just feel weird today. I guess it's the residual from the weekend illness. You know we doctors don't get sick leave and there's no calling in sick when you are self-employed. So, I keep trudging on. I want to know how the hell I can be sick and gain weight. Whatever. I weighed this am and scale says I'm up 4 friggin pounds. That's just nuts. I'm absolutely sure I didn't eat enough to cause a gain. In fact on Saturday I barely ate 1000cal. I know I've not gotten all the fluids, until yesterday and that I've had extra sodium. I know it's not real weight gain, but it still pisses me off.
I'm just getting to the point where I don't want to eat anything anymore. Could it be that I'm finally to the point where food just doesn't matter? When do you cross the line from monitoring your diet and obsessing? I know this, I'm not willing to give up on weight loss, no matter the price. I am absolutely going to see my goal. I don't care how long it takes or at what price. There is no food worth the possibility that I won't get there. I think about food and see food now and it just doesn't matter. I don't look forward to food or special treats anymore or even the idea of them. I don't smell food and want it. Commercials on TV do nothing for me except gross me out with the grease and the goo. Now I just see food as a hassle. Something in the way of my goals.
It just absolutely doesn't matter anymore what I eat or when. I only see the numbers, the calorie counts, the scale. Is this good or is this bad? I look forward to being at my goal weight. I look forward to being able to do more in TKD class. I look forward to being able to run farther and faster. I do not look forward to a meal. Is this how normal people are about food?
I get hungry and it annoys me. It means I have to decide what to eat or not eat. I no longer get the emotional high from the foods I love and in some ways this pisses me off. Now I have to actually deal with things without my friend, FOOD. I kinda miss that friend. I miss curling up with a good movie and a snack. Now, I just see calorie counts and scales. I miss an evening out with my husband where I don't have to think first and not just order what sounds good. Where he doesn't roll his eyes at me entering my calories and googling the menus and calculating this and that. I miss having a crappy day and just coming home and having pizza and wings and coke and beer and eating until I feel better. I miss not calculating in my head what my husband's eating and being irritated by how many calories he's having and doesn't even care.
But, I don't miss the 50+ pounds I've lost.
I'm having issues with food. Totally new issues I never dreamed of. If I had my way it wouldn't even come up. Now I get irritated trying to plan meals for the kids. They are hungrier than I am, they eat more often. They are constantly wanting snacks and such. Of course they eat healthy stuff and I try to control them from the candy and all the crap and fast food as usual. But, I'm just sick of talking about and thinking about food.
Even this weekend when I'm barely able to get out of bed I'm like measuring and reading labels to see how many calories are in the soup I picked. Is this good or am I crazy? And then to get on the scale and see a gain this morning! Makes me just want to forget the whole idea of food. Maybe my weirdo skinny friends that only drink slim fast and eat fruit have the right idea. It sure simplifies your life when you just don't eat.
Thing is, everyone else around me eats. They still get happy about this food or that and I think I'm jealous? Or am I resentful? All I know is that I've spent all this energy trying to disconnect my emotions from eating and food. Have I gone too far the other way? Have I gotten too analytical? Too mathematical?
But, will it ever be easy for me? Will I ever be able to enjoy food again? Do you get to a point in this journey where there's a happy medium? Where you can still be mindful and count calories, but still enjoy a meal? A dessert? A pizza? Because right now I'd rather just eat carrots and an apple. I know I didn't get fat eating too many of those.
I feel like there are so few "safe" foods. Even this weeken eating the saltines and drinking sprite I triggered those carb cravings. I found myself eating a mini chocolate bar from the kids Valentine sacks. For no reason! WTH? When doe that crap stop? Or maybe it doesn't. Maybe I'll always need to be on guard with food. Maybe food and I cannot be friends. Maybe we can have a truce, but not be friendly. Maybe food is like an EX-husband(if I had one). You know, you have to see each other and relate because of the kids. You can't avoid it. It will always be in your life, but you're not friends anymore. You can't share emotions. You can't be friendly. Nice and cordial, but not friendly.
I don't know, but this is totally uncharted territory. I spent so much of my life thinking about food that now it's like I don't know how to behave with it. It's just weird. I honestly am not really ever hungry for any one food anymore. I know I need to eat and I know what to eat, but I just don't care if I do.
Does anyone else have similar experiences or feelings about food? Or am I just nutso?