I just feel weird today. I guess it's the residual from the weekend illness. You know we doctors don't get sick leave and there's no calling in sick when you are self-employed. So, I keep trudging on. I want to know how the hell I can be sick and gain weight. Whatever. I weighed this am and scale says I'm up 4 friggin pounds. That's just nuts. I'm absolutely sure I didn't eat enough to cause a gain. In fact on Saturday I barely ate 1000cal. I know I've not gotten all the fluids, until yesterday and that I've had extra sodium. I know it's not real weight gain, but it still pisses me off.
I'm just getting to the point where I don't want to eat anything anymore. Could it be that I'm finally to the point where food just doesn't matter? When do you cross the line from monitoring your diet and obsessing? I know this, I'm not willing to give up on weight loss, no matter the price. I am absolutely going to see my goal. I don't care how long it takes or at what price. There is no food worth the possibility that I won't get there. I think about food and see food now and it just doesn't matter. I don't look forward to food or special treats anymore or even the idea of them. I don't smell food and want it. Commercials on TV do nothing for me except gross me out with the grease and the goo. Now I just see food as a hassle. Something in the way of my goals.
It just absolutely doesn't matter anymore what I eat or when. I only see the numbers, the calorie counts, the scale. Is this good or is this bad? I look forward to being at my goal weight. I look forward to being able to do more in TKD class. I look forward to being able to run farther and faster. I do not look forward to a meal. Is this how normal people are about food?
I get hungry and it annoys me. It means I have to decide what to eat or not eat. I no longer get the emotional high from the foods I love and in some ways this pisses me off. Now I have to actually deal with things without my friend, FOOD. I kinda miss that friend. I miss curling up with a good movie and a snack. Now, I just see calorie counts and scales. I miss an evening out with my husband where I don't have to think first and not just order what sounds good. Where he doesn't roll his eyes at me entering my calories and googling the menus and calculating this and that. I miss having a crappy day and just coming home and having pizza and wings and coke and beer and eating until I feel better. I miss not calculating in my head what my husband's eating and being irritated by how many calories he's having and doesn't even care.
But, I don't miss the 50+ pounds I've lost.
I'm having issues with food. Totally new issues I never dreamed of. If I had my way it wouldn't even come up. Now I get irritated trying to plan meals for the kids. They are hungrier than I am, they eat more often. They are constantly wanting snacks and such. Of course they eat healthy stuff and I try to control them from the candy and all the crap and fast food as usual. But, I'm just sick of talking about and thinking about food.
Even this weekend when I'm barely able to get out of bed I'm like measuring and reading labels to see how many calories are in the soup I picked. Is this good or am I crazy? And then to get on the scale and see a gain this morning! Makes me just want to forget the whole idea of food. Maybe my weirdo skinny friends that only drink slim fast and eat fruit have the right idea. It sure simplifies your life when you just don't eat.
Thing is, everyone else around me eats. They still get happy about this food or that and I think I'm jealous? Or am I resentful? All I know is that I've spent all this energy trying to disconnect my emotions from eating and food. Have I gone too far the other way? Have I gotten too analytical? Too mathematical?
But, will it ever be easy for me? Will I ever be able to enjoy food again? Do you get to a point in this journey where there's a happy medium? Where you can still be mindful and count calories, but still enjoy a meal? A dessert? A pizza? Because right now I'd rather just eat carrots and an apple. I know I didn't get fat eating too many of those.
I feel like there are so few "safe" foods. Even this weeken eating the saltines and drinking sprite I triggered those carb cravings. I found myself eating a mini chocolate bar from the kids Valentine sacks. For no reason! WTH? When doe that crap stop? Or maybe it doesn't. Maybe I'll always need to be on guard with food. Maybe food and I cannot be friends. Maybe we can have a truce, but not be friendly. Maybe food is like an EX-husband(if I had one). You know, you have to see each other and relate because of the kids. You can't avoid it. It will always be in your life, but you're not friends anymore. You can't share emotions. You can't be friendly. Nice and cordial, but not friendly.
I don't know, but this is totally uncharted territory. I spent so much of my life thinking about food that now it's like I don't know how to behave with it. It's just weird. I honestly am not really ever hungry for any one food anymore. I know I need to eat and I know what to eat, but I just don't care if I do.
Does anyone else have similar experiences or feelings about food? Or am I just nutso?
When I'm sick I'm overemotional about stuff... maybe you're having one of those days.
ReplyDeleteI know you miss the comfort of food but I always hear you excited and happy and COMFORTED after TKD and/or working out. I also see that even though your brain is calculating your food that it's kinda automatic now to do that, right? I think "skinny" people do that... (not that I'm skinny) for example when I look at pizza and salad I automatically think one slice and a big salad. The pizza may TASTE better but I'll feel better in the long run with more salad. It's a snap decision. Those automatic decisions you make now, even if irritating, I think means YOU'RE CHANGING in a great normal way.
When food is not your main focus you don't care about it anymore.
Maybe, just maybe, you need more comforting by your hubby...
*hug*
I wrote a post, two actually, about wanting to be "normal" about food. You are so not alone. For me, I think that all my yo-yo dieting has majorly screwed up my relationship with food.
ReplyDeleteSadly, I think some of us battle the choices for the rest of our lives. Fortunately, we know HOW to choose better foods and we know what it takes to burn more calories. Some were born without the triggers for food, but I am not one of them.
ReplyDeleteI wrote about it here:
http://clydesdaleproject.blogspot.com/2010/09/autopilot-switch-is-broken.html
You sound like so many of us who have lost weight, but who miss the effect of the way we used to eat. At some point in my life, food became more than just nourishment or even an enjoyable experience. It became my best friend in so many ways. This started for me in childhood, and that is why my deeply rooted "food habits" have been so hard to break.
ReplyDeleteI can only speak for myself, but I think for many of us it takes a long time before we break free of looking for the "high" or the soothing moments that food provided for us for so long. Nevertheless, I strongly believe that it can be done, and you're doing it so very well.
"Like an Ex-husband..." LOVE IT! Not that I have any experiences with exes, but I think you nailed it.
ReplyDeleteThe love hate relationship with food just doesn't go away. I personally hope the every day angst fades with time.
Oh! And I totally meant to tell you this days (weeks?) ago - LOVE the new profile pic!
I used to feel that way about food. The more I counted and obsessed, the more I gained. So I do pay attention-but my main focus is exercise.
ReplyDeleteThe kid thing does make me crazy. My kid's snacks are pretty healthy and they still beg.
Saltines and canned soup = sodium bloat. Why surprise at a gain when being sick sent you to the convenience stuff that's salty? right?
ReplyDeleteJust premake your meals. If you are in the Challenge, you know what you make. That way: no brainer. Food is measured, frozen/refrigerated, ready to eat.
And, maybe, just weigh-in one day a week. Sodium fluctuations make me nuts, too, and I'm a near-daily obsessive weigh-er. I sometimes stop myeslf and say, NO...leave the scale.
Do whatever it takes to calm you down. And don't get on the scale if you've eaten a lot of salty foods. that's like asking for the weigh-in to bitch-slap ya!
Here's to better weigh-ins...
I have eaten a whole sleeve of Saltines many a time - and mostly not when I was sick, but when we were out of chips. Those days are behind me, I think. But yes, how to eat some things just a little. I just don't know if that'll ever happen. I'm thinking of that commercial..."bet you can't eat just one!" Too true, unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteYour health, your success, and, more importantly, your value as a person are NOT measured by a scale. Weight fluctuates even as fat continues to fall off.
ReplyDeleteI am far from maintenance, but 525 days and -102 pounds into this journey, food is still a challenge - esp. as social situations change, and I adjust my plan to reflect what I am learning about my own body and investigate the best evidence out there. I plan to be ever vigilant even after reaching goal, knowing how easy it is for fat folks to reaccumulate weight.
Jan
I hear so much frustration in your post...losing weight for such a long time gets old, definitely, but like you say, it's nice to be down over 50 pounds. I periodically adjusted and tweaked the way I lost weight throughout my journey - I think you A) just get sick of doing some things; and B) change your tastes when it comes to certain foods and the way you approach them. Hope you are feeling better soon about this whole lifestyle change.
ReplyDeleteThis post really made me think - and it kind of made me sad. I can see this issue from both sides. Our emotions should not be too entwined with our food and what we eat. Food is not there to be our friend - but it is there to nourish our bodies and minds. We're human, and the truth is that food has an emotional component. I get excited to go out for a meal or a treat once in awhile. But the key is once in awhile. The pendulum in our society has swung so that we eat out all the time, and food just isn't really special or respected. It's crap that we shovel in without really thinking about it. I think that as we start focusing on weight loss, we're really analyzing everything about the food we put into our bodies. And sometimes it's exhausting and frustrating and boring! But then you start to really see and feel the effect of thoughtfully eating quality food, and it becomes a pleasure on the other end of the spectrum. Feeling the effect of that quality food, of how it makes your body function so much better and knowing that you made the choice to take good care of yourself - that becomes a pleasure in itself. So yeah, I get the feeling of just not wanting to deal with it sometimes. I feel overwhelmed by the amount of thought that seems to be required. But I also take a lot of pleasure in my food, and I try to choose what I know will serve me the best. I'm sure you'll come back around to enjoying food again soon, probably when you're feeling better in general.
ReplyDeleteOMG, you hit the nail on the proverbial head. I so aspire to be normal around food. I hate when people ask if I'm going to be this paranoid for the rest of my life. How the hell am I to know if I'll always be insane about food. Right now it consumes me. What to eat, when to eat, did I eat enough, did I eat too much...AAAAAHHHH! Calgon take me away. Then Aunt Flo comes to visit and breaks all sorts of rules causing me to forget I'm watching my food intake until I'm literally watching the food go down. It sucks. I just want to be "normal" or at least less spastic about it.
ReplyDelete