I can't believe I haven't posted since Tuesday. Where does the time go? I'm just so busy and NOW it is October. Shit.......I hate October.....well, I actually love it. I love fall and I love Halloween, but October signifies the beginning of the end of the year and all hell breaks loose this time of year, for me anyway.
The weekend was fabulous, but busy. I spent it seeing my little one get her green belt in TKD which is quite an achievement for a little lady of not even 6 yet! She broke her board on the first try and was most proud. I have to say I was pretty darn proud of her myself.
Immediately after the TKD test the kids and I jumped in the car and drove to Oklahoma. I took my son to the football game this weekend. It was OU v Ball State and Dad needed to stay home to do some work. So the kids and I ran up for the game and drove back yesterday afternoon. I wish I could say I did great with my eating this weekend, but I didn't. I made some bad choices for a variety of reasons, none of which really matters. What matters is that I shouldn't have eaten all that I did for any reason. It's over and I'm moving on.
So this morning I'm back on track. My weight on Saturday morning was a new low at 188. But, I can say that after the salty bloat from yesterday it wasn't this morning. I've been drinking my water and I'm way on track with my food so I expect to be down again really soon.
Today at lunch I met with my trainer who kicked my butt. I'm so tired and sore. We did arms, chest and back. Did you know I can chest press 60 pounds now? I can't believe it. I also did weighted squats to chest presses with 30 pound weights. I did dead lifts with 30 pounds on the bosu. I did a whole bunch more stuff which I'm used to doing and makes me proud and THEN he says, "we'll finish with a little cardio." I've heard this before. no problem. BUT, this time is was the stairmaster.
WTH. That thing totally and completely sucks! I have avoided that machine for a variety of reasons, not least of which is it looks hard. Sometimes looks are deceiving and let me be absolutely clear......not this time. I did 5 min on the damn thing and I thought I was dying. DYING. That is what the elliptical felt like 2 years ago when I started this mess. It kind of pissed me off to be honest.
I mean I can do 40 minutes on the elliptical up to a level 20. I kick that things ass now, it doesn't kick mine. I can even run on the treadmill at the gym and not worry about running in public anymore. This was a MAJOR achievement for me. I can do push ups, situps, planks. I can work out HARD in a TKD class and get all sweaty and gross while people watch and not give a shit. I can lift weights. I can do FREAKING pull ups now. But that.........THING......that machine KILLED me. And I'm pissed.
Just when you think you're doing really well, something comes around to remind you just how far you have to go. I won't lie. It hurt. It hurt really bad. I thought I was going to pass out. And I felt........I felt...........like the fat girl in gym class.
Oh HELL no!
I refuse to be that girl anymore. REFUSE. You hear me! I'm done with that. I will be fit. I will be strong. I will be ABLE to do what I want. I will NOT be the fat girl........weak and panting......red faced.....short of breath......near tears because it hurts SO bad.......it's SO hard.
I've been THERE my whole life. I've done THAT and it SUCKS. I WANT MORE.
I want more from my life and over the last nearly 2 years I've seen a glimpse of what life being healthy is like. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm soooooooo far from where I was. I was fat and so unfit. Now I'm still fat, but so much closer to being fit.
In the past this kind of experience would set me back. Hell....this is what kept me from exercising for so long. It was hard. It was uncomfortable. It made me self-conscious. I just didn't like it much. Of course, you often don't like something you're not good at, that takes effort. Don't we all tend to gravitate toward those things that come naturally to us?
Not anymore. The fact that I had trouble today doing that machine just set me on FIRE. I'm mad and I'm motivated. I will not be using this as an excuse to go home and binge tonight as I would in the past. I will not be using this as an excuse to give up. I will not be letting this depress me and start the negative self-talk cycle that would always have started in the past. The "you'll never be able to" or "you just can't do those things" or the WORST one "when I lose weight, THEN I'll be able to exercise." WHAT? That kind of thinking got me to 274 pounds.
No. NOW things are different. I AM DIFFERENT. Maybe I can't do more than 5 minutes on a stair master now, but I WILL. I got on the damn thing and that is saying something for someone that had never been in a gym more than a couple of times in my whole life before I started this. I tried it. It was hard. Next time it will be easier. That's something I KNOW is true becuase I've done it before. I'll do it again.
See.....now something like this.....it's a CHALLENGE, not a ROAD BLOCK.
In the past it would have been a deal breaker. If I tried something hard and it was REALLY hard, I had to really push myself like that, I'd give up. I just didn't think I could do it. I didn't believe. I didn't think fat people like me could do these things. I was so very wrong.
Growing up I always believed I could be ANYTHING if I set my mind to it. I knew I could be a doctor. I knew I was smart enough. I knew all I had to do was work hard and it would happen. For some reason this attitude never applied to physical things. It was all too easy to believe I couldn't achieve there in the same way.
How wrong I was.
It's a CHALLENGE. Not a road block. That's all. A challenge that I will learn to meet. And then......I'll move on to the next one.
What about you? What's challenging you lately? Are you meeting the challenge and taking it on OR are you letting it be a road block? A challenge can be physical like my stair master or mental like giving in to tempting foods or not tracking. One of the best things you can do is change your attitude about challenges. Don't let them become road blocks. You can do this!
This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.