Out of the Fog

It's been a really difficult two weeks. I'm finally feeling almost back to myself, but not quite.  There has been so much stress at the office and at home that I've really been struggling.

In the office we have had several "personnel" issues which I cannot discuss in detail, but suffice it to say that sometimes the best thing is what you wish you didn't have to do.  Anyway at least things are better this week. We took the staff for a "team building" event yesterday. Closed the office and spent the afternoon bowling and having lunch and a lot of laughs. I hope this sets things more back on the right track. So far, it seems to have helped.

My Uncle's funeral was truly the most difficult funeral I've ever been to, and that's saying a lot. That includes the two cousins that died in the Oklahoma City Bombing and the great-uncle killed by a drunk driver a few years ago. Yes my friends my family has had a lot of unfortunate events. This is also the south where funeral are.....freakishly celebrated and death wallowed in and....there is always so much freaking food.  I was thinking the other day that we've had 14 funerals in my family in the last 30 years, which doesn't sound like much, but averages to one every every 2years or so. And of course I've been to many non-family funerals including my BFFs brother killed 6 years ago, this last week also BTW, by a stupid texting teenager when he stopped to help someone one the side of the road.

Why was this funeral so difficult? For one, my Uncle's death was quite sudden. He was someone I saw only a few months ago and he was doing great. Been on weight watchers and lost weight, exercising, blah blah blah.  Plus he was a father figure for me growing up and I spent nearly every summer of my childhood at his house.  I think more than that though was that it was the anniversary of my Cousin's death (not his kid) who really was a brother to me. Add to that the fact that SOMEONE in my family decided that what would be really great is to play recordings of our family singing hymns for the music at the funeral. Recordings which included my dead uncle and several other dead family members singing AND my cousin who died a year ago this week singing and playing the piano.

Oh yes. It was as weird as it sounds. And maybe someday I can listen to that and not feel incredible pain, but I 'aint there yet. I've never ran out of a funeral before or a church service for that matter, but I sure did last week. I felt like I was going to scream and explode so I got up and ran out. Oh, and even in the lobby of the funeral home, you could hear the music piped in so I ran straight out to the sidewalk and spent the next 10 minutes sobbing while my husband watched. (Geez. I'm kinda embarrassed that I even admitted that. Now I sound kinda crazy. Oh well...better to get it out than repress it I suppose.)

So after the funeral we headed back to my Aunt's house where we (me, and several other cousins) proceeded to honor our uncle with a drink. OK, fine....the drink was for me. But in order to lesson the scandal on our conservative baptist family, we imbibed in his office/study. I'm sure the rumors were spreading throughout the family. BUT, I figure when you're old enough to have kids of your own, it's no one's business what your choices are and I'm sure as heck convinced that one shot of rum is not going to send me to hell. 

The good part about the trip to Oklahoma was seeing my family and friends. My cousins and I decided that we REALLY have to stop meeting at funerals. It's the only time we see each other lately. Sad and funny and unfortunately true. My poor son even asked, "Mom, maybe next spring break we can NOT have a funeral to go to, OK?"  Poor kid. This affects us all.

We spent the rest of the weekend in Oklahoma and hung out more with family and friends. We didn't do much. Mainly sat around and talked and watched a few movies. We did go out for dinner one night. None of us had much energy to deal with crowds or going out of the house. Then Saturday my cousin we were staying with got sick, we thought from a sinus infection, only to find out later it is the plague from hell.

So....we returned home Sunday. I had to drive because my husband was driving his new-used car. Yep....during all this mess husband found and acquired a new car. Oh and did I mention that husband was out of town when my uncle died. Yep. So I was alone most of the week. He flew in LATE Wednesday night in time to drive to the funeral with me. So...the car...he'd been shopping for a new-used car. He just wanted something nicer and faster than our old 1998 honda he's been driving. (yeah, now tell me about how rich us doctors are. Ha ha.)  Anyway. He decided he wanted an Audi S4. He started looking online and found one in Kansas City. It's in great shape and has some aftermarket turbo something or others. Anyway...it's the one he wanted and several others did too so he had to go last weekend to get the car. He and son rented a one-way rental on Friday. Drove up to KC and back the same day.

Chaos. My life is Chaos.

So we arrive home on Sunday and I start feeling like crap. Thinking I was just tired and what not, I went to bed early. Woke up that night with chills and fever and OH GREAT. Now I'm sick. I went to work Monday and by that evening I felt like death. Husband comes home from work and spikes a temp. OH GREAT now we're BOTH sick. I missed half a day of work on Tuesday. I just feel guilty rescheduling patients unless I have a fever. If I have a fever, which I did 101, I'm afraid I'm contagious so I go home. Husband is STILL off work. (Must be nice to work somewhere with sick leave.) And as of last night, still spiking fevers of 101. Not the flu, I tested him. Not strep. Just viral icky, icky, savage viral. And my daughter spiked a temp on Tuesday evening. The youngest. She's been out of school the last 2 days.

Today, husband has had no fever. Fingers crossed he's on the mend. Little girl had fever today at lunch so likely no school again tomorrow. I'm hoping she's on the end of it. So far son and middle daughter are avoiding it. (Oh please God. Please, please have mercy) I sure hope it stays that way because I HAVE to see Hunger Games this weekend. OH.....and...I really hate it when everyone is sick. Just kidding....sorta.....

Today I feel almost normal and I'm afraid to even think it or say it out loud. I still have a cough. And I'm using my inhaler and cough drops because it's this constant tickley cough that's worse when I talk a lot and I've been hoarse. BTW....doctors talk a lot. Like All. Day. Long. So it's getting really annoying, but I prefer the annoying cough to the fever, chills, sweats I still had as of last night.

I feel like I'm waking up from a bad dream. My mind has been in such a fog I've been just getting through each day. I finally feel like the fog is starting to lift today and can I say...Yippee? I just want to feel like me again. I haven't weighed. I have made effort to eat OK, but not great and I haven't worked out because between the funeral and being sick I haven't had the energy. (Excuses. I know it.) But I think today I feel better and I'm planning to get up and ride my bike tomorrow morning. My body is craving exercise. I miss my TKD. Gym was closed last week for Spring Break and this week I've been sick. I really want to try to get there tomorrow if I can. Gotta check the schedule. Might be closed for a tournament, can't remember.

Anyhoo....I'm on the mend. Coming Out of the Fog. Thank goodness. I feel like the last month has just been horrible between being sick, the surgery, mad dash to Oklahoma to see my uncle before he died, then the funeral, the anniversary of my cousins death, then sick again.

I'll admit I haven't tracked my food. I've eaten way too many carbs. BUT, I've not had the desserts, even the pies and cakes at the funeral luncheon. (it's the south I told ya)  I did have a coke or two around the funeral, but I'm off that now and I'm back to my water, albeit not to the level it needs to be. But, I'm ready. I'm ready to get busy again. I miss it. I miss tracking and drinking my water and exercising. I miss being proud of my lifestyle and I'm ready to feel better again. I haven't weighed, but I don't think I've put on more weight, but I'm still up from where I was and I want to be there again.

But the best part is feeling the fog lift. Feeling like I can focus again. Focus on my goals and where I want to be physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Good bye, Fog!  Good riddance.

Enough

I've had enough.

I say again. I've had enough.

I woke up this morning and I had actually slept last night. I slept the night before, but that was with the aid of medication and the sleep isn't the same. I woke up this morning and I said, "Enough."

Enough sadness. Enough grief. Enough emotional turmoil. I'm not fooling myself into believing that I can just stop. But, I am saying that it is time to wake up and do something. Since last Saturday morning, I haven't logged my food. I haven't worked out.  I haven't drank my water. And it's time to say enough.

I will not make excuses. I will not fool myself into believing that how I've been the last few days has been, "not that bad." No more bull shit. Fact is, Monday I ate like shit. Healthier shit, but still.....Yesterday I ate healthy food, but too much and then I ate cookies. ENOUGH.

All the times before when I've tried to lose weight, I've said, "Oh well." Or "I can't"  or "it's too hard" or "I have fat genetics" or "I'm too stressed" or whatever load of BS I was shoveling at that particular time.  All the times before, I have regained what I'd lost and more. All the times before are not THIS time.

Today, I say ENOUGH.

I can do this. I can and I will. I must. I will get back on track. I may not like it. It's so much easier to bury myself in food. Wrap myself in the comfort of cookies and cakes and ice cream and all the other stuff. It's easier in the short run. As easy as it is for a drug addict to keep shooting up. Easy for a while and then.......really really hard.

Ask an addict which is harder-being an addict where you lose everything and everyone and the only thing important to you is getting your fix. Or getting clean and being clean and having a family, a job, a future. I look at my food addiction the same way. It will kill me. It will take from me the things I want most. It will limit my life to only it. And so I say enough.

And I say, "Screw you Fat Self." Screw you for your feelings of defeat, your weakness, your willingness to give in. Screw you for not fighting harder to get through these difficult times with more resolve. Screw you for not trying harder. Screw you for liking food so much.

I also say, "It's OK Fat self".  You are a part of me. I love you. I cannot blame you for everything wrong in my life. I accept you. You are the part of me that got me through most of my life. I know it's hard for you. All these new attitudes and activities I expect of you  are scary sometimes for you. I know you've tried and I know you are willing to try again. I will give you a chance to change. But, I will not let you hold me back.  I know you aren't in the MOOD to get back on track. I know you don't really WANT to get back to logging your food and exercising. I know it. BUT, we're doing it anyway.

Finally I say, ENOUGH. Enough excuses. Enough avoiding reality. Enough being sad. Enough regret. Enough guilt. Enough negative thoughts. Enough giving food power over me. Enough.

I know I've gained some weight. I know it. But, you know what I did today? I got up and said, "Enough".  I put on makeup I fixed my hair. I have a meeting tonight and last week I'd planned on wearing my new dress which is spring colors and fits AND is an XL I bought at Kohl's in the "normal" size section. I was excited about it last week. Today, I woke up and as I got out of bed I didn't want to wear that dress. I wanted to just wear scrubs or my too-baggy black pants. I got in the shower and I said, "Enough".

I'm wearing the dress despite the several pounds I've gained. It fits and still looks good. And I feel better. Just doing SOMETHING feels better. Just getting my mind back in order feels better. I know I still have a lot of work to do. I know I still have pounds to lose AGAIN to get back to where I was. So What? I know I can do it. I've done it before. I know how and I know I CAN and I know I WILL.

All I have to do is wake up everyday, like today, and say, "Enough".

Have you said it yet? Have you had set backs in your journey to healthy living? If so, how did you over come them?  If you haven't, what's stopping you? No one can do it for you.

Son of a.....

Booty-head. As my 5 year old might say.

Well, after all my tough talk about exercise I had a.....mishap? Yesterday in TKD I was sparring. I kicked and went down on my foot weird. Felt a HUGE pop in my calf. I thought it was a cramp at first, but then I KNEW it was bad because I couldn't stand or walk very well. DAAAAAAAAAAMMMMNNN!

So pissed because I was supposed to test for my green belt tomorrow morning and now there's no way it'll happen. Now I have to wait 8 weeks and I already know all the material. I was supposed to do 2 classes yesterday and one today. Not happening.  Ugh.

That's OK. There's always room for improvement. I refuse to quit. I don't care. I don't care if yesterday was a total, "I feel fat and awkward moment" when I got hurt and had to leave class early. I'm going back just as quick as I can. I even did a few kicks today. Just can't get up on my toes yet. At least it's better today and I've been able to get through the day at work without too much trouble.

The leg was totally swollen and my weight is still up. I'm dreading the official weigh in on Sunday. I emailed Allan and told him I was thinking I should quit the challenge since my weight is up and I'm going to mess up the overall numbers and frankly I just feel like a loser, not in a good way. He says I'm not allowed out and that I should forget the numbers. OK. Fine. He's right, I know this. I'm just bummed today.

It's been a week since my cousin's funeral. I am amazed how I can go for a day or two and be fine. Perfectly fine. Then this morning I noticed that the flowers I had from the service are dying and that it's been a week. I cried in the shower this morning. The pain in my leg, the pain in my gut when I saw the scale and then the pain in my heart and......boo hoos happen.

I'm better now. I'm trying to stay focused on the things I am grateful for. I'm trying to think of good thoughts and stay focused on work. I'm trying to do all this without resorting to food as comfort. It is not easy. Old habits die hard, my friends.

When I walked in limping from class yesterday, I came home to fresh baked cookies. Nanny had cooked them for the girls. It's a rare thing in our house, but it happens and it was report card day. So....cookies on the counter. My immediate response was to grab one and chow down. Problem is, I can't only eat one. No cookie for me. But I want one now and I remember how they smell. Good thing I'm not at home and I have carrots in my snack bag.

At least it's Friday and although I'll be bummed when I'm not at TKD in the morning, I'll get through it. I have 60 bags of mulch coming this weekend. They'll be plenty to do. Mulching, planting and another bed to build. 

How do you handle those, "poor me moments" like I had this morning?  I woke up sad and frustrated from the weight gain and feeling like my efforts were being de-railed yet again. What do you do?