Out of the Fog

It's been a really difficult two weeks. I'm finally feeling almost back to myself, but not quite.  There has been so much stress at the office and at home that I've really been struggling.

In the office we have had several "personnel" issues which I cannot discuss in detail, but suffice it to say that sometimes the best thing is what you wish you didn't have to do.  Anyway at least things are better this week. We took the staff for a "team building" event yesterday. Closed the office and spent the afternoon bowling and having lunch and a lot of laughs. I hope this sets things more back on the right track. So far, it seems to have helped.

My Uncle's funeral was truly the most difficult funeral I've ever been to, and that's saying a lot. That includes the two cousins that died in the Oklahoma City Bombing and the great-uncle killed by a drunk driver a few years ago. Yes my friends my family has had a lot of unfortunate events. This is also the south where funeral are.....freakishly celebrated and death wallowed in and....there is always so much freaking food.  I was thinking the other day that we've had 14 funerals in my family in the last 30 years, which doesn't sound like much, but averages to one every every 2years or so. And of course I've been to many non-family funerals including my BFFs brother killed 6 years ago, this last week also BTW, by a stupid texting teenager when he stopped to help someone one the side of the road.

Why was this funeral so difficult? For one, my Uncle's death was quite sudden. He was someone I saw only a few months ago and he was doing great. Been on weight watchers and lost weight, exercising, blah blah blah.  Plus he was a father figure for me growing up and I spent nearly every summer of my childhood at his house.  I think more than that though was that it was the anniversary of my Cousin's death (not his kid) who really was a brother to me. Add to that the fact that SOMEONE in my family decided that what would be really great is to play recordings of our family singing hymns for the music at the funeral. Recordings which included my dead uncle and several other dead family members singing AND my cousin who died a year ago this week singing and playing the piano.

Oh yes. It was as weird as it sounds. And maybe someday I can listen to that and not feel incredible pain, but I 'aint there yet. I've never ran out of a funeral before or a church service for that matter, but I sure did last week. I felt like I was going to scream and explode so I got up and ran out. Oh, and even in the lobby of the funeral home, you could hear the music piped in so I ran straight out to the sidewalk and spent the next 10 minutes sobbing while my husband watched. (Geez. I'm kinda embarrassed that I even admitted that. Now I sound kinda crazy. Oh well...better to get it out than repress it I suppose.)

So after the funeral we headed back to my Aunt's house where we (me, and several other cousins) proceeded to honor our uncle with a drink. OK, fine....the drink was for me. But in order to lesson the scandal on our conservative baptist family, we imbibed in his office/study. I'm sure the rumors were spreading throughout the family. BUT, I figure when you're old enough to have kids of your own, it's no one's business what your choices are and I'm sure as heck convinced that one shot of rum is not going to send me to hell. 

The good part about the trip to Oklahoma was seeing my family and friends. My cousins and I decided that we REALLY have to stop meeting at funerals. It's the only time we see each other lately. Sad and funny and unfortunately true. My poor son even asked, "Mom, maybe next spring break we can NOT have a funeral to go to, OK?"  Poor kid. This affects us all.

We spent the rest of the weekend in Oklahoma and hung out more with family and friends. We didn't do much. Mainly sat around and talked and watched a few movies. We did go out for dinner one night. None of us had much energy to deal with crowds or going out of the house. Then Saturday my cousin we were staying with got sick, we thought from a sinus infection, only to find out later it is the plague from hell.

So....we returned home Sunday. I had to drive because my husband was driving his new-used car. Yep....during all this mess husband found and acquired a new car. Oh and did I mention that husband was out of town when my uncle died. Yep. So I was alone most of the week. He flew in LATE Wednesday night in time to drive to the funeral with me. So...the car...he'd been shopping for a new-used car. He just wanted something nicer and faster than our old 1998 honda he's been driving. (yeah, now tell me about how rich us doctors are. Ha ha.)  Anyway. He decided he wanted an Audi S4. He started looking online and found one in Kansas City. It's in great shape and has some aftermarket turbo something or others. Anyway...it's the one he wanted and several others did too so he had to go last weekend to get the car. He and son rented a one-way rental on Friday. Drove up to KC and back the same day.

Chaos. My life is Chaos.

So we arrive home on Sunday and I start feeling like crap. Thinking I was just tired and what not, I went to bed early. Woke up that night with chills and fever and OH GREAT. Now I'm sick. I went to work Monday and by that evening I felt like death. Husband comes home from work and spikes a temp. OH GREAT now we're BOTH sick. I missed half a day of work on Tuesday. I just feel guilty rescheduling patients unless I have a fever. If I have a fever, which I did 101, I'm afraid I'm contagious so I go home. Husband is STILL off work. (Must be nice to work somewhere with sick leave.) And as of last night, still spiking fevers of 101. Not the flu, I tested him. Not strep. Just viral icky, icky, savage viral. And my daughter spiked a temp on Tuesday evening. The youngest. She's been out of school the last 2 days.

Today, husband has had no fever. Fingers crossed he's on the mend. Little girl had fever today at lunch so likely no school again tomorrow. I'm hoping she's on the end of it. So far son and middle daughter are avoiding it. (Oh please God. Please, please have mercy) I sure hope it stays that way because I HAVE to see Hunger Games this weekend. OH.....and...I really hate it when everyone is sick. Just kidding....sorta.....

Today I feel almost normal and I'm afraid to even think it or say it out loud. I still have a cough. And I'm using my inhaler and cough drops because it's this constant tickley cough that's worse when I talk a lot and I've been hoarse. BTW....doctors talk a lot. Like All. Day. Long. So it's getting really annoying, but I prefer the annoying cough to the fever, chills, sweats I still had as of last night.

I feel like I'm waking up from a bad dream. My mind has been in such a fog I've been just getting through each day. I finally feel like the fog is starting to lift today and can I say...Yippee? I just want to feel like me again. I haven't weighed. I have made effort to eat OK, but not great and I haven't worked out because between the funeral and being sick I haven't had the energy. (Excuses. I know it.) But I think today I feel better and I'm planning to get up and ride my bike tomorrow morning. My body is craving exercise. I miss my TKD. Gym was closed last week for Spring Break and this week I've been sick. I really want to try to get there tomorrow if I can. Gotta check the schedule. Might be closed for a tournament, can't remember.

Anyhoo....I'm on the mend. Coming Out of the Fog. Thank goodness. I feel like the last month has just been horrible between being sick, the surgery, mad dash to Oklahoma to see my uncle before he died, then the funeral, the anniversary of my cousins death, then sick again.

I'll admit I haven't tracked my food. I've eaten way too many carbs. BUT, I've not had the desserts, even the pies and cakes at the funeral luncheon. (it's the south I told ya)  I did have a coke or two around the funeral, but I'm off that now and I'm back to my water, albeit not to the level it needs to be. But, I'm ready. I'm ready to get busy again. I miss it. I miss tracking and drinking my water and exercising. I miss being proud of my lifestyle and I'm ready to feel better again. I haven't weighed, but I don't think I've put on more weight, but I'm still up from where I was and I want to be there again.

But the best part is feeling the fog lift. Feeling like I can focus again. Focus on my goals and where I want to be physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Good bye, Fog!  Good riddance.

Doctor, Doctor.

Well here I am with another day in the books. It's been a pretty busy summer for me, but I'm beginning to realize that my life is always busy. On the bright side it is a very full life. As I sit here listening to Daddy tickling one daughter while the other plays "Twinkle, twinkle" on the piano, I am reminded again how lucky I am.

On the diet front, things went well today. I ate well and on plan. I drank all my water. It's not hard with this heat to be reminded to drink often. At lunch I went to TKD class. It was pretty rough today. I woke up with a splitting headache and felt like crap. I told my friend that I felt like I had a hangover and that was extremely unfair since I had none of the fun.

My asthma is acting up today and I had a rough time breathing all day. There were times where I got very winded in class.  Ozone is up around here and that definitely effects my breathing. Plus I'm not the most compliant patient with my inhalers. I know, I know. I always pre-medicate before class, but I've been bad about taking my daily medication. I use it during this time of year, or at least I'm supposed to. Also I'm wondering if my airway issues are back.  It's been 2 years since I had the laser surgery for my subglottic stenosis, which is a condition where you get scar tissue in your airway causing a blockage.

I was diagnosed with this several years ago and I've had to have the procedure 3 times, a year apart, but this time I've gone 2 years. I don't really want to go back to the ENT because I know he's going to look down in there. Ugh I hate that. He sprays this nasty numbing spray in my nose and down my throat and then he threads a small scope with a video camera through my nose and down into the back of my throat so he can see below my vocal chords. It doesn't hurt, but it's really uncomfortable and then I can't swallow right for a few hours. It's yucky. However, the phsyician part of me is telling me I'd better go.

I learned my lesson the hard way trying to second guess and treat myself. For years I thought my asthma was just really bad and was treating myself with medications. After the birth of my 3rd child when it was really severe, I couldn't climb the stairs without severe shortness of breath. Even for a fat lady, it was ridiculous. I couldn't read out loud to my kids at night. I went to see an allergist thinking I needed allergy shots. He said I do have some allergies and asthma but that the breathing test showed a blockage in my airway. He recommended I see an ENT.  The man saved my life, I'm pretty sure.

I saw the ENT and he diagnosed the blockage. He said my airway was the size of an infant's. It was like I was breathing through a coffee stir stick. He said if I'd been in a car accident and needed to be intubated, there was no way anyone but an ENT could have gotten an airway in me. He sent me to a sub-specialist who confirmed the diagnosis and said I could either have the laser procedure which wouldn't be permanent and I would need it repeatedly or I could have a big surgery where they cut out that portion of the airway. That surgery would require at least a week in ICU on a ventilator, and 8 weeks recovery. No thanks. I went for the 15 minute laser procedure done by my ENT.  Yes, I had it once a year for 3 years, but I can have it on Friday, be back to work Monday with no more pain than strep throat.

It's a really rare thing, usually seen in people who have had trauma to the airway or in small children after severe infections. Sometimes it's seen in people with connective tissue disorders like lupus or Rheumatoid arthritis. I've been tested and my tests were normal. But, there is a lot of these types of problems in my family so who knows.  Seems it is more common in women of child bearing years when it happens spontaneously like it did with me. They think there is some kind of hormonal trigger and it usually just stops on it's own at some point. I was hoping it was gone for good, but I think it's back.

And it's starting to affect my ability to exercise which I will not allow. The inhalers don't help as much now when I'm really doing strenuous cardio, like at TKD. So despite my not wanting to see a doctor, I'm going to have to.

It's a very weird thing for a doctor to see another doctor. Knowing more doesn't help me or my treating physicians. I think it makes doctors nervous to know they are treating a colleague. They never want to insult my intelligence by over-explaining and they certainly don't want to miss something on a friend.  I really hate being a patient. But, we all have to see a doctor sometime or other.   I think it helps that I know how to navigate the health care system. I speak the language at least, but sometimes I think knowing all possible outcomes of a situation is a detriment.

This experience and the one with my gallbladder last fall certainly give me an empathy for how my patients feel. If I get scared and I understand all the lingo I can certainly imagine how someone feels when they can't speak the jargon.  I always try to watch for that look of, "I have no idea what she just said" in my patient's eyes when I'm explaining something technical. And there is a definite and obvious look. Usually it is accompanied by an uncomfortable nod and patients will not always tell you that don't understand for fear of looking stupid. It's really important for doctors to ask if the patient understands things. Even then sometimes they will say they do when they don't.

As a doctor, I will tell you that I do not mind questions. I would much rather answer any questions you have than have you run home and google something and end up with a lot of misinformation. The internet is great and horrible for us doctors.  I have to spend all kinds of time de-bunking stuff patients have read on this site or that. But, the good news is that in a computer savvy person, I can refer them to websites for credible information.

Tomorrow I'll be working out in the morning since I have an appointment to get my hair done at lunch. We must have our priorities, right?  I still have some work to get done, so I better get on with it. Night All!

Wednesday Weigh In. Cough Cough

Well, I am feeling a lot better. Still hacking and coughing, but it is better. I have asthma and it does flare up if I get a cold. That on top of the blockage in my airway, and I've had some trouble talking. It's really hard to talk to patients all day when you can't get enough air. But, it's better so I guess I'll be thankful for that.

I woke up this morning and my body was craving exercise. I hadn't worked out since last Friday. Even though my lungs weren't sure it was a good idea, I forced myself upstairs to the bike. I rode a 6 mile program, an easier one than I've been doing lately, but I didn't want to push it too much. Did my floor work- push ups 20 real ones, 30 girlie, 100 crunches, 60 second plank, 50 reverse crunches, 50 bridges. I actually felt pretty good after, tired, but good.

My weigh in was ok. I lost 1.4. I'm still a little higher than I was 2 weeks ago and probably would have lost more if it weren't for getting sick. I've had half a bag of Hall's cough drops. Sure that didn't help. But, they help keep my throat and voice from giving out on me.

I have guests coming tonight. Family for my daughter's 6th birthday. But, they're low maintenance family so shouldn't be too big of a deal. Spent my lunch hour today running around in this hideous heat to 4 different bakeries to find the right cake for her party. She wanted a certain princess cake and she's been asking for it since like February. It never occurred to me that they might quit making a cake, but 3 of the 4 places either didn't have it or never did. Wal-Mart had the princess castle cake. Thank God. I still have to get her present. I've decided that when I have to think this hard on what to get my kids then they don't need anything.

After running around in the heat, I was not hungry for lunch. However, I knew that when I left the office there was a big ole birthday cake from someone's birthday today. I love birthday cake. Love it. White cake with butter cream icing. YUUUH-UMMMM! So, I knew better than to come back to the office without eating something. I stopped by the yogurt place and got yogurt with fresh black berries, strawberries, and blueberries. It was tasty! I made it past the birthday cake with only one teeny tiny bite. I hope I fair that well on Saturday at my daughter's party.

How do you handle "occasions"? Most of the time I can ignore the office crap-cookies, candy, cakes, etc. But, I will probably have a harder time passing up birthday cake. Remember I said I love it.