Out of the Fog

It's been a really difficult two weeks. I'm finally feeling almost back to myself, but not quite.  There has been so much stress at the office and at home that I've really been struggling.

In the office we have had several "personnel" issues which I cannot discuss in detail, but suffice it to say that sometimes the best thing is what you wish you didn't have to do.  Anyway at least things are better this week. We took the staff for a "team building" event yesterday. Closed the office and spent the afternoon bowling and having lunch and a lot of laughs. I hope this sets things more back on the right track. So far, it seems to have helped.

My Uncle's funeral was truly the most difficult funeral I've ever been to, and that's saying a lot. That includes the two cousins that died in the Oklahoma City Bombing and the great-uncle killed by a drunk driver a few years ago. Yes my friends my family has had a lot of unfortunate events. This is also the south where funeral are.....freakishly celebrated and death wallowed in and....there is always so much freaking food.  I was thinking the other day that we've had 14 funerals in my family in the last 30 years, which doesn't sound like much, but averages to one every every 2years or so. And of course I've been to many non-family funerals including my BFFs brother killed 6 years ago, this last week also BTW, by a stupid texting teenager when he stopped to help someone one the side of the road.

Why was this funeral so difficult? For one, my Uncle's death was quite sudden. He was someone I saw only a few months ago and he was doing great. Been on weight watchers and lost weight, exercising, blah blah blah.  Plus he was a father figure for me growing up and I spent nearly every summer of my childhood at his house.  I think more than that though was that it was the anniversary of my Cousin's death (not his kid) who really was a brother to me. Add to that the fact that SOMEONE in my family decided that what would be really great is to play recordings of our family singing hymns for the music at the funeral. Recordings which included my dead uncle and several other dead family members singing AND my cousin who died a year ago this week singing and playing the piano.

Oh yes. It was as weird as it sounds. And maybe someday I can listen to that and not feel incredible pain, but I 'aint there yet. I've never ran out of a funeral before or a church service for that matter, but I sure did last week. I felt like I was going to scream and explode so I got up and ran out. Oh, and even in the lobby of the funeral home, you could hear the music piped in so I ran straight out to the sidewalk and spent the next 10 minutes sobbing while my husband watched. (Geez. I'm kinda embarrassed that I even admitted that. Now I sound kinda crazy. Oh well...better to get it out than repress it I suppose.)

So after the funeral we headed back to my Aunt's house where we (me, and several other cousins) proceeded to honor our uncle with a drink. OK, fine....the drink was for me. But in order to lesson the scandal on our conservative baptist family, we imbibed in his office/study. I'm sure the rumors were spreading throughout the family. BUT, I figure when you're old enough to have kids of your own, it's no one's business what your choices are and I'm sure as heck convinced that one shot of rum is not going to send me to hell. 

The good part about the trip to Oklahoma was seeing my family and friends. My cousins and I decided that we REALLY have to stop meeting at funerals. It's the only time we see each other lately. Sad and funny and unfortunately true. My poor son even asked, "Mom, maybe next spring break we can NOT have a funeral to go to, OK?"  Poor kid. This affects us all.

We spent the rest of the weekend in Oklahoma and hung out more with family and friends. We didn't do much. Mainly sat around and talked and watched a few movies. We did go out for dinner one night. None of us had much energy to deal with crowds or going out of the house. Then Saturday my cousin we were staying with got sick, we thought from a sinus infection, only to find out later it is the plague from hell.

So....we returned home Sunday. I had to drive because my husband was driving his new-used car. Yep....during all this mess husband found and acquired a new car. Oh and did I mention that husband was out of town when my uncle died. Yep. So I was alone most of the week. He flew in LATE Wednesday night in time to drive to the funeral with me. So...the car...he'd been shopping for a new-used car. He just wanted something nicer and faster than our old 1998 honda he's been driving. (yeah, now tell me about how rich us doctors are. Ha ha.)  Anyway. He decided he wanted an Audi S4. He started looking online and found one in Kansas City. It's in great shape and has some aftermarket turbo something or others. Anyway...it's the one he wanted and several others did too so he had to go last weekend to get the car. He and son rented a one-way rental on Friday. Drove up to KC and back the same day.

Chaos. My life is Chaos.

So we arrive home on Sunday and I start feeling like crap. Thinking I was just tired and what not, I went to bed early. Woke up that night with chills and fever and OH GREAT. Now I'm sick. I went to work Monday and by that evening I felt like death. Husband comes home from work and spikes a temp. OH GREAT now we're BOTH sick. I missed half a day of work on Tuesday. I just feel guilty rescheduling patients unless I have a fever. If I have a fever, which I did 101, I'm afraid I'm contagious so I go home. Husband is STILL off work. (Must be nice to work somewhere with sick leave.) And as of last night, still spiking fevers of 101. Not the flu, I tested him. Not strep. Just viral icky, icky, savage viral. And my daughter spiked a temp on Tuesday evening. The youngest. She's been out of school the last 2 days.

Today, husband has had no fever. Fingers crossed he's on the mend. Little girl had fever today at lunch so likely no school again tomorrow. I'm hoping she's on the end of it. So far son and middle daughter are avoiding it. (Oh please God. Please, please have mercy) I sure hope it stays that way because I HAVE to see Hunger Games this weekend. OH.....and...I really hate it when everyone is sick. Just kidding....sorta.....

Today I feel almost normal and I'm afraid to even think it or say it out loud. I still have a cough. And I'm using my inhaler and cough drops because it's this constant tickley cough that's worse when I talk a lot and I've been hoarse. BTW....doctors talk a lot. Like All. Day. Long. So it's getting really annoying, but I prefer the annoying cough to the fever, chills, sweats I still had as of last night.

I feel like I'm waking up from a bad dream. My mind has been in such a fog I've been just getting through each day. I finally feel like the fog is starting to lift today and can I say...Yippee? I just want to feel like me again. I haven't weighed. I have made effort to eat OK, but not great and I haven't worked out because between the funeral and being sick I haven't had the energy. (Excuses. I know it.) But I think today I feel better and I'm planning to get up and ride my bike tomorrow morning. My body is craving exercise. I miss my TKD. Gym was closed last week for Spring Break and this week I've been sick. I really want to try to get there tomorrow if I can. Gotta check the schedule. Might be closed for a tournament, can't remember.

Anyhoo....I'm on the mend. Coming Out of the Fog. Thank goodness. I feel like the last month has just been horrible between being sick, the surgery, mad dash to Oklahoma to see my uncle before he died, then the funeral, the anniversary of my cousins death, then sick again.

I'll admit I haven't tracked my food. I've eaten way too many carbs. BUT, I've not had the desserts, even the pies and cakes at the funeral luncheon. (it's the south I told ya)  I did have a coke or two around the funeral, but I'm off that now and I'm back to my water, albeit not to the level it needs to be. But, I'm ready. I'm ready to get busy again. I miss it. I miss tracking and drinking my water and exercising. I miss being proud of my lifestyle and I'm ready to feel better again. I haven't weighed, but I don't think I've put on more weight, but I'm still up from where I was and I want to be there again.

But the best part is feeling the fog lift. Feeling like I can focus again. Focus on my goals and where I want to be physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Good bye, Fog!  Good riddance.

Just Pray

Had a pretty hard weekend. Saturday spent the day with a terrible migraine, likely from the weather change. Didn't do much. Then, yesterday I got a call a little before 7am, new time, that my uncle was in ICU and they didn't expect him to make it. I called Nanny to watch the kids since husband flew out around 7am for North Carolina and his meeting. Called my mom and she and I drove up to Oklahoma. We barely made it there before he coded for the last time. I was there for the last code and when I saw what bad shape he was in and his heart rhythm I knew he wouldn't survive another few hours to wait for his son. I talked to my Aunt and she agreed to stop the code. He was gone a few minutes later.  Most of the family made it there, but one of his sons didn't.  We stayed there most of the day and drove back yesterday evening. His death was very unexpected. He was 64, but pretty healthy. We are all in shock. I spent pretty much every summer of my childhood with him and his wife. He really was a father figure for me and without his influence, I would not have had much of a positive male role model. He was a very good man. Today I'm tired and sad and I still have a migraine, but I'm surviving here at work. Not really thinking much about diet or exercise. Just trying to get through the day.  This is doubly hard since my cousin died a year ago this week. You can read about that here if you want to. Sorry but I can't think straight enough to figure out what else to post. Wish I I had some words of wisdom. Wish I could care about how many calories I've eaten, but I just don't at this moment. Actually I haven't really eaten today. Any way, I'll try to post more later. If you are so inclined, please pray for me and my family.