Here's the deal. I'm new to blogging. I'm new to weight loss. I'm doing really well so far. I know that. I do. But, I've had years and years and years of practice at negativity. As far as learning to be positive goes, I am an infant.
Some people are glass half-full people. Some people are glass half-empty people. Me, I'm a -why bother to look because I probably don't even have a glass anyway and if I do it's not as nice as yours because I'm such a loser-person. I think, no, I know it has everything to do with my brain chemistry. My mom is chronically depressed, maybe bipolar. My dad is...well...undiagnosed, but likely paranoid narcissistic personality disorder and bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies. So you can imagine why I might have issues.
I can remember being 8 or 9 years old and just lying on the sofa crying all day for no reason. People would ask me what was wrong and I'd say, "I don't know. I'm just so sad." Geez. That's depressing. Then as I approached my teen years it got worse of course. Add it up: teen angst + obesity + no self esteem + genetic tendency for depression = recipe for disaster.
All my life people would tell me how pretty my face was or my eyes or my hair. I never new how to take a compliment. I always heard my Dad's voice, "You'd be so pretty if you'd only lose weight." Which always meant to me that I wouldn't be pretty UNTIL I lost weight.
When I was 14 I left a very small rural school to go to high school in town. I was terrified. The only thing I clung to was that I was smart and I could sing. I might be uglier and fatter and poorer than all those people, but I was smarter and I had a good voice.
In high school, I met my best friend. We are alike but different in so many ways. She is a glass half full person. She is one reason I started to see myself differently. She and I became everyone's funny fat friend. We were friends with all the different groups from jocks and cheerleaders to theater types to nerds. I began to come out of my shell. Have fun.
In college, I started getting attention from boys and making new friends. I was smart and I was funny and people always wanted to sit by me. Then I met my husband and my life changed forever for the better. But my brain and thoughts lagged behind. Inside I was always seeing the down side, always looking for the disappointment. Always thinking, "yeah, but..."
That's when I started noticing my inner voices I always talk about. Most of the time my natural inclination is something like Eeyore. That's right Eeyore is one of the voices in my head. "Why bother. Oh well." But somewhere along the way I found my inner cheerleader. "You are worth it. You can do this. You are beautiful no matter what you look like. You have much to offer others. You are a good person."
But, I have anger issues sometimes. That's right, it's angry Eeyore in my head. Unfortunately all that anger is turned inward. "You are so fat and stupid. You can't do anything right. You'll never be anything." To survive sometimes my inner cheerleader turns into bitchy head cheerleader from high school, "At least you aren't THAT fat. Look at HER."
But I don't like being that way, withdrawn and scared of the world, grumpy and dark and negative. I'd much rather be happy and positive. But, for me it doesn't come naturally. Some days I wake up with a smile and it feels great. Others I wish I didn't wake up at all. Sad, but the brutal truth. There have been times when I've been suicidal. Not for a very, very long time. So, I know what the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness can do to you. I've worked very hard to overcome that.
When I'm at work I have to be understanding and up beat and empathetic. I'm good at it and I enjoy it. But, it is work for me. Sometimes I feel like I have to be "on" all the time. With my natural tendency toward being alone and mopey, you'd think I'd have been a radiologist. My inner Eeyore has caused problems with my relationships. People don't always understand when you are quiet and want to be left alone.
Since I've started down this path to wellness, I find it gets easier and easier. It is absolutely amazing to me how much I am changing. The longer I think good thoughts, the more I WANT to think good thoughts. The longer I eat good foods, the more I WANT to eat good foods. The more I achieve with exercise, the more I WANT to exercise. And realizing all this just makes me want to do more and more.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to rid myself of little Eeyore. That's where I get my snarky sense of humor. And I don't think there's anything wrong with being happy by yourself from time to time. I just want to rid myself of the self doubt, and victim mentality. The self hate and anger. The only way I can do that is to recognize it, talk about it, see where it's coming from.
All of you here in bloggerville are playing a critical role in this transformation of mine from less Eeyore to more Tigger. I never imagined how good it would feel knowing you were out there cheering for me. That I could complain and you'd understand. That I could brag and you would be proud of me. That we are all on the same team here. Fat people, thin people-- just plain people trying to get better, better in mind, spirit and body. So for that I thank you. And if you see that angry Eeyore me sneak its way into my writing in blogs or comments, try to remember its about me, not you. Feel free to call me on it.
What about you? Are you a half full person? Are you naturally optimistic? If not, how to you battle it? If so, how do you stay that way when faced with challenges?
TTFN...Ta ta for now!
This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.