This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

A new one on me.

I've had a great week and a hard week. I had great results on my weight this week. I've been so inspired by the support and comments on the posts I've made. I got all kinds of new followers, thanks! I have been fortunate enough to find some more amazing people to follow on their blogs and try to emulate. Like mid_life swimmer over at Swimming it Off. She did a freakin' triathalon baby! And she's not at her goal weight, not yet. She's my size. AND my AGE. All I can say is WOW. I have a new goal.

I'm tired this week. Not sleeping very well or much for a variety of reasons. It is weighing on me and my attitude. I've had a migraine all week and it got really bad yesterday. I was nauseated and half sick all day with it. Trying to work and having trouble focusing and staying on track. Not too good in my business. I was taking all my meds, it wasn't helping. I gave in and had 8 oz of Coke (Coca Cola, that is). Sometimes it's the only thing that helps. When I have these bad ones, I just get queasy. The meds make it worse. I used to try to eat my way through them. I'd feed them with chocolate and sugar and whatever. Doesn't help. Makes em worse. I know that, but did it anyway.

This is really the first bad episode I've had in a while. I think it was set off by the multiple storm fronts we've had move through this week. Not complaining. We need the rain and the cool down. But, weather change is a trigger and now I'm struggling. You know what's weird? I haven't felt good the last 2 days, but I've kept up my exercise and I have no appetite. Do you understand what I just said?

I hope so, cause I don't. Before March 22, the day I began in earnest on this road to wellness, I always responded to not feeling well by eating. Always. Whether for physical or emotional comfort, I had certain foods I ate when I felt certain ways. Cold or fever=chicken noodle soup and crackers. PMS=Coke and Chocolate. Upset stomach=toast. Tired=caffeine and sugar. Happy=everything and anything. Bored=chips straight out of the bag. Sad=ice cream sundaes or fresh cookies out of the oven w/ cold milk.

I've never understood when a patient tells me "I just don't feel like eating. I have no appetite". What? I could always eat. Always. I was never not hungry. Now, that has completely changed. Guess that shows me how much eating I was doing because of how I felt EMOTIONALLY about being sick not how I felt PHYSICALLY.

When I have these headaches, water tastes putrid. Really yucky. Not good since I've already figured out dehydration makes them worse. I tried lemon in the water, crystal lite mix. Not working. Last night I was at the end of my rope. My daughter tested for her big kid orange belt in TKD. She did very well. So now she'll graduate from Little Tiger to "real" TKD. Insert Mommy pride here.

After, the kids are starving and hyper and loud. It's hot out, the sun is glaring, my head is pounding, husband's out of town and I got a telecon meeting in 30 minutes. The only thing to do was drive thru. I took them to Chick-Fil-A, at least they have some decent choices there. I got a sandwich. It's really the only thing I felt I could stomach. And an ice cream. Again, it just sounded like something I could eat. All I'd had at lunch was part of a yogurt cup and an 1/8th of a sandwich. No snacks. Nothing. I also got a small coke, drank 1/2. Felt a little guilty, but not much. Even with all that I only ate 1300 calories and I burned nearly 600 with my exercise. After I ate the ice cream and the sandwich, I did finally feel a little better.

Today, I'm better, but it's still there and I wasn't hungry. Didn't work out today. No sleep + migraine +sore from long run yesterday + sore from heavy duty upper body and ab workout on Tuesday= day of rest, apparently. I had planned to swim tonight, but again with the storms.

I just felt weird about the choices I made yesterday, but it's not like I had a binge and I honestly didn't feel good. The Coke drinking is a big one. I've had MAYBE 3 since March 22. There's a reason. I can't drink just one. Can't. I'm an addict. If I have one, I want more. Every. Single. Time. Today, even with the headache better I wanted one. My inner weak side tried to convince my inner strong side that I should have one since I didn't feel good and all. But, water didn't taste bad today. I just kept drinking and drinking and after about 5 32 oz cups today, I do finally feel better. The craving is over.

Sometimes my desire has been so strong for a soda that just driving by a billboard will trigger the craving. Thank god I never tried heroin. Can you imagine?

But, overall this week I had a new experience. I don't know if it's a NSV or not. Not having an appetite. Having to make myself eat. Never happened before. It's a new one on me. In a weird way I like it. I think that this is another sign that my feelings about food are really forever changed. I used to go through the whole day just thinking about food. I'd wake up and think, "What sounds good for breakfast?" An hour later, I'd be thinking about lunch. Sometimes as I was eating lunch, I would think about what food sounded good to eat at dinner. Did I even taste what I had in my mouth? I'd say things like, "I'm hungry, but I don't know what I want." BOY is that ever true and symbolic.

Now I realize how profound that statement was. Always looking for something to make me feel....something. It's nice that I'm finally figuring out that what I was hungry for wasn't food AT ALL. No wonder I was never full. I was hungry for feeling good about myself. Hungry for the acceptance of a father that I won't ever get. Hungry for self love and respect. Hungry for exercise and fitness goals. Hungry for the ME that I wished I could be. And now I'm finally on the way to satisfying that hunger once and for all.

Anybody else have this strange experience? Are you satisfying your REAL hungers?


  1. Definitely a NSV. To respond to not feeling well, headaches, stress of being the only parent on duty, working through feeling bad and you weren't standing in front of the fridge??? Definite victory. You're giving yourself new outlets. Exercise and blogging. Good for you. Hope you feel better without having to go back to horrible weather to do it.

  2. When I am dehydrated and getting headaches possibly because of it I drink sparklin water like lemon or lime, the bubbles help like soda... I ad juice sometimes to sweeten it, but not much.

    Thanks for the shout out! Doing a tri seems so possible having already taken off 158lbs so far. my legs had to get strong to carry that 387lb woman I was around. Train for next year and you can do it for sure! 1/2 mile swim 12 mile bike ride 5k run...danskin or all woman are the most fun and supportive as a first tri.

  3. I'm glad you are feeling better! And very insightful of you to recognize your eating patterns and triggers!

  4. Not eating when you would have eaten before is definitely a NSV. One of these days I'm going to write a post on things I never thought I'd do that I now do. It's not all "I ran a marathon," either (partly because I haven't!) One was leaving the sports radio off in the car, believe it or not. So yes, not eating to soothe your ills is a NSV!

  5. Doc, I am so proud of you! Yes, I would call that an NSV. I was just like that. Any ill I had could be cured or at least allayed by a trip through a Wendy's Drive Thru, a call to Dominos or a box of Oreos. When I was suffering from anxiety for a couple of years, that was how I dealt with it every time. So yeah, that was a big step Doc.I love that you shared that with us. I think that honesty that is fostered in blogging is so healthy. It is like a free psychiatrist.

  6. I could have written this post, only not as succinctly as you did. I used to feed every emotion and feeling - phone call with my mother? EAT. Puking hangover? McDonald's cheeseburgers. Husband out of town? Lay in the supplies, baby! Crazy. How did I get so fat? Your revelation is nothing short of amazing, so early in the game!

    Congrats on doing so well through your migraine - headaches are the worst, especially when you can't shut out the world and just go lay down in a dark room. I think you did fantastic with what you ended up eating (and drinking).

    Oh, and triggers? I know them well - sometimes I can't stand to read a magazine and see print ads for M&M's or things like that...I practically start drooling!

  7. An NSV and an epiphany, all rolled into one:) I still am asking myself about this - am I eating because I am hungry for something else and if so what is it? Or for me, is it just habit and conditioning.

    When I get sick I also want certain things. Last time I had a cold, it felt soothing to eat anything and have it on my throat. My son just had a cold (maybe caught from mine) and just was not hungry.

  8. Oh yeah, it's an NSV.

    I used to have migraines that were triggered by weather fronts coming through, so I feel your pain.

    You've had a great week, despite all this, and have inspired lots of people in Blogville this week.

    Keep it up!

  9. I am in the migraine sufferers club, too. Not a badge of honor. My colossal ones (rare now that I am on preventive meds) put me on my knees by the w.c. Horrible. My sympathies. Seen a neurologist for them??

    Beginning to understand all the "hungers" that I have are part of my journey toward healing and new health, too.You already know that my father and I had a dysfunctional past. Understanding how this impacted my eating and my negative images of myself and taking ownership of it has been one of the best parts of my journey so far. I am still working on forgiving his "trespasses" against me in actions and words. I hope you will be able to do this too sometime. Thank-you for all your recent comments of support on my blog. They were deeply appreciated. Michele

  10. I use to use food to try and comfort and soothe myself. I am learning to do other things instead.

    It sounds like you are learning a lot about yourself.


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