This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I'm too tired to think of a snazzy title....

Today was a stressful day. There are just times when you're going to be met with challenges, as unfair as it may seem. I am not very fond of confrontation and today I had to deal with some. I get so tired of the gossipy games that go on in my office. From what I hear it happens in every office. I have enough to deal with between taking care of patients and running a business and taking care of my home life. I don't have time or energy for drama. I don't know why some people seem to always need a little of it going on.

I woke up this morning with a massive headache. I'm not sure why other than there were some storms that moved through. I didn't workout this morning. Breakfast was egg substitute scrambled with peppers, tomatoes, Canadian bacon and onions for 142 calories.

Normally I would have my TKD class, but this week the gym is closed while the owners are on vacation. So instead, I did my usual session with the trainer. It was a very hard session. I burned 700 calories. He had me doing sit ups with weights and shoulder presses and chest presses and jumping off shit and climbing on stuff. I'm pretty sure I'll be sore in the morning. At one point in the work out I told him I wasn't real sure I could do these step up things while holding the 15 pound weights. He said, "Yes you can. Just do it." Fine. So I did. BUT, not until I pointed out that the box I was stepping on was a 1/3 of my height or more.

Dinner was yummy rosemary pork chops, roasted broccoli, tomato salad for 342 calories. I came in WAY under budget today for calories, especially after my jammin workout. But, I'm not hungry and I'm tired so, that'll do for today.

As soon as Rescue Me is over, I'm going beddie bye. Tomorrow morning I have planned a workout. I'll either be biking on the stationary or running on the treadmill, just depends on how bad the legs feel.

Oh, I forgot...the best part of today was wearing my new size 16 cute khaki cargo pants and my new cute black blouse, size 18. I believe it won't be long before it's too big, but maybe it'll shrink in the dryer. I guess wearing clothes that fit show my weight loss more because several people noticed today, mostly men.

It really makes me feel weird and I'm not used to the attention. The "You look really good. Have you lost weight?" "Wow! You've really slimmed down. Looks great." I even got one, "You're looking hot." from one of my lesbian patients. OK. I just feel like me. Like I've always been. I don't know what to say because I feel like I need to lose so much more. I feel good about what I've done so far, but I know there is a LONG way to goal from here. I'm just not good at talking about my weight loss yet.

I don't really talk about it with anyone but you my bloggy friends, my husband and my BFF. Otherwise, I don't really discuss working out or what I'm eating or not eating. Although I jokingly threatened to punch a girl at work for poking cookies in my face and asking me if I wanted one today. Well...mostly joking. She knows I don't eat that crap.

But, honestly, I don't really feel like I need to be out there advertising the fact that I'm trying to be healthy. If people ask, I tell them as little as it takes. Sometimes I tell them about a work out. I still deep down am afraid I'll fail in a tiny little place. I don't want to advertise as I'm a little afraid of letting people see me screw up. Again.

But, mostly I just feel like this is my deal, you know? This is for me. This is just me and my life. It's not a diet or a program. It's not like before where I was all about telling people about my latest diet discovery. No, this time it is just me putting good food in my body and moving it in ways I never thought I would. I guess I'll need to work on how I react to other people's reaction.

What about you? How do you handle these sorts of conversations and complements?


  1. I don't have a good answer. I have been around some colleagues at other locations of our organization recently I haven't seen all summer. A few have said I look different and I'll instinctively deflect, like, "It must be the gray hair!" Not sure why I do that. Oddly, part of why I blog is to be an example, a demonstration project that you can live healthy again. But I haven't found that comfort zone in person yet.

  2. I will say this Doc, that seems to be a common thread in all of us weight loss bloggers. I think it does stem from the fear of failure. I have actually specifically said to my friends before "don't talk about how good I look please, I will just get comfortable and stop dieting". One thing I am doing this time around is being my own honk. I tell anyone that will listen. I used to post the links to each post on Facebook, but no one seemed to be following that really, so I quit. But if you run into me now, I tell everyone what I do, what my goals are, etc. I think by doing so, I am for lack of a better term "shaming myself into success". I guess I just feel more committed to the process if I talk crap. But more than anything, I love this blog community. It really makes a difference having brothers (or mostly sisters actually) in arms. It is just a great feeling to succeed and have people who understand where I started, where I am, and where I want to go with this. IN terms of how to handle compliments, man I don't know. I am the worst at it. My response is usually "thanks but I have alot further to go". Even then I feel disingenuous because I just feel uncomfortable with the attention. So I get you Doc, even if I can't help you.

  3. I rarely talk about anything related to eating or dieting and do my best to avoid the subject. If someone asks, I tend to say that I am trying to eat healthier. Sounds like you are really doing well:)

  4. Doc, I'm getting exhausted just reading about your day. The office, the work, the drama, then the workout! Yikes. No wonder you are tired right now. I hope you got a really good night's rest! If you keep this eating and exercise up you're going to be wearing size 12s in no time...probably by Christmas!

  5. My mom always taught me that when someone gives you a compliment, just say "thank you" . Even if you don't believe it, even if you still have a long way to go, someone is giving you a gift and all you have to say is "thanks" . Easy as that.

    I totally get what you're saying about not wanting to share your journey with others. I'm the same way because I've tried and failed so many times. But I keep going because I really believe that you can always have a fresh start, even if it's within the same day!

  6. I feel EXACTLY the way you do about the compliments and questions. I just say, "Yes, I'm trying to get healthier," or if it's someone who I think really cares, I'll tell them I've lost a little weight and have a ways to go, and I'm doing a little walking.

    I agree that it's just for me. I don't go out and preach it. If someone mentions it, I try answer. I have a huge fear of failure, which seems to be a common problem here.

    Congrats again on the 16's. NSV!

  7. My GP is also losing weight -- since I last saw her in March she's practically half the the size she was. Woman needs a new lab coat :)

    Not to be sexist, but I've noticed the gossipy/drama office stuff more in offices dominated by women. Not sure why that is, but it's been my observation. Now that's not saying those situations are impossible in offices dominated by men -- we've had a drama king or two in here -- but usually we girls tend to eat our own.

    Enjoy the compliments... they change as you have less to lose. I have to admit that I miss the positive feedback and am still working on how to handle the weird stuff I get now. I went from hearing "You look great!" to "Why would you want to lose any more weight?" from folks who have no clue about my weight distribution. My last twenty pounds are primarily located south of my waist, and finding slacks that fit/ are flattering at this size is still really difficult for me. Seriously, I'd rather go shopping for bathing suits than pants. It's that bad. Also, my knees are hosed and I know that more weight off them will increase the time I have before I must sign over a good portion of my income to my orthopedist so he can go in and "clean them up a bit".

    I've gotten to where I just half-smile and say "Bad knees." But with 20 pounds to go, you can start to feel pretty irrelevant, not to mention it's as if somehow you've lost all credibility for losing weight because you've got "so little" left.

    That last twenty in my case? Might as well be 200 with all the success I'm having with it.

    Drat -- sorry for the hijack. It's been a long week.

  8. I have a hard time with complements too. Two reasons, I guess. #1 never felt "worthy." #2 I feel like I have to do the work first and talk about it later.

    From the comments it looks like lots of us feel the same way. Hopefully we all keep singing our own praises here in bloggy world and supporting and encouraging one another and maybe one day it will feel "normal." Afterall, we are all having successess and acomplishments and we are all worthy of some pride!


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