Disclaimer

This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.

Monday, May 14, 2012

You'll Always Be Fat.........and other BS

Sorry for the missing persons act. Last week really sucked. I had a really bad sinus infection and THEN I got a stomach bug on top of that. Wednesday and Thursday I went home at lunch each day to nap and dove into bed at night. On Friday I was off, but I had some things that had to be done with the kids. After that I went home and crashed again. I felt somewhat better on Friday and I was able to eat some chicken soup. That evening we had to drive to Oklahoma. Saturday was the Ostrich Egg breakfast at the OKC Zoo. It's a really fun event where you go have omelets and other breakfast foods and then spend the day at the zoo. I had actually won tickets in the raffle drawing last year for this year's breakfast plus t-shirts so we really needed and wanted to go. Plus I really needed to check in with the family.

Needless to say the drive was less than pleasurable for me and my lingering nausea. That on top of my normal car sickness and I was absolutely miserable. Once we arrived and I was no longer moving, I felt better. Plus I had some sprite and crackers. I slept pretty well and by the next morning I was a lot better. I was able to eat an omelet and even a little coffee and juice and I went the whole day at the zoo without throwing up! Yippee! The day at the zoo was fabulous. It was overcast and cool with a nice breeze so we walked the whole place this time and the kids had a ball. There is a little baby elephant, a baby giraffe and lots of other babies.  Nothing better than baby animals. Even the little wild piglets were cute. By Saturday evening I felt nearly normal.

On Sunday we got up early and went out for breakfast.  Then we drove home. This drive was MUCH more pleasant. That evening my husband grilled some chicken breasts and corn on the grill. My mom came over and we had a nice dinner for Mother's Day. I even got to finish the day with a nice long bath.

Needless to say I didn't workout much last week nor did I spend much time thinking about food or tracking. Today I was so happy to be feeling better I didn't even mind that it was Monday.  I ate well and met with my trainer at lunch. This evening was kids and homework and dinner and baths and all the usual.

I am just absolutely determined to get myself back on the track to lose more weight. I've got to get back to the weight I was. It is very frustrating for me to have gained weight. It's brought back a lot of those old worries and feelings. That negative self talk is so imbedded in my brain.

"You'll always be fat."
                                      "Why do you bother?"
                                                                             "You'll never lose all that weight"
                                                                                                                               "What's the point?"

I had made a lot of progress to reprogram these voices. They'd almost disappeared or at least were easy to ignore. Lately, not so much.  Sometimes these appear in the voice of my father. Theses were things he said to me often. After being on steroids so long and all the other emotional things I've been through over the last year and the resulting weight gain, my confidence has been down.  It makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to lose all this weight. That's a terrible way to think about this and it's that mentality that got me to 274 pounds.
Every single time I've tried to lose weight in the past these thoughts would kick in and I would give up. I would decide that I just needed to accept the fact that I would always be fat and be happy the way I was.

One day I woke up and decided no more. I decided that I was done with all that and that there was absolutely no reason why I couldn't get healthy and lose weight. I don't know what made it happen. I know I had a few patients actually do what I told them and started eating healthy and losing weight. One lady told me I'd saved her life.  And I thought, "Saved your life? What about my life? When will I be ready to save my life?" I decided right then.

Don't ask me why it is so hard to remember the urgency of the situation when I'm in the middle of a difficult or emotional situation.  I don't know why I have such emotional connections to food. I don't know why I fool myself into thinking I'll feel better after eating that cookie or cake or pizza or whatever. Because I never do. I still feel sad, angry, happy, or bored, but on top of it I'm full physically and sick to my stomach most of the time AND guilt ridden for eating all the crap. The guilt of course breeds more of that negative self-talk and round and round we go.

I'm not in denial anymore. I realize I'm fat and I'm not happy with the way I look or feel. I'm not where I want to be physically. The fact that I was 20 pounds lighter 6 months ago doesn't help because I know how much better I felt inside and out then. But on the glass half full side, I know I can lose weight. I have done it and more than a few pounds. A lot of pounds and I know HOW to do it again. I know I CAN lose weight and I know I still WANT to lose the weight.

More importantly, eating a healthy diet and working out are my new normal. Before my normal was doing nothing and eating crap. Sure there were weeks or even a month where I'd eat right, workout and lose weight. But it wasn't the norm. It was a diet. It was a temporary thing. It never lasted.

These days if I don't workout at least 3 times a week minimum I feel like crap. I crave to move. I actually have exercise goals. Things I wish I could do. Things I know I CAN do if I put in the work.  The idea of getting my black belt is not just a wish, it's a goal. It's a reality to me now and it's opened up so many other possibilities. Things like-running, swimming, biking, Zumba, P90X, rappelling, zip lines, climbing, hiking, and even surfing. Hell, most anything I see others doing as far as exercise goes sounds like something I'd like to try.  To me it's like a WHOLE other side of life I never knew existed. I had no idea the things I was missing. And these are things that I know now are not impossible. These are things I really would like to try. It frustrates me that don't have MORE time to dedicate to them because I truly believe I can do them.

And I've hung on to that feeling. It's part of me now. I feel awesome after a workout. Invincible. Bad ass. In shape. Absolutely not words I would have ever used to describe myself before. It's sustaining me through this slump in my weight loss and my exercise goals are absolutely what are keeping me on track and headed in the right direction.

I've still got a lot of work to do. Most of it the emotional  kind. This week would have been my cousins 41st birthday. It still seems so strange not to have him here and there are so many things about his death that are still horribly painful.  This week is the 2 month anniversary of my Uncle's death. My family is grieving and it is so hard to see his wife of 44 years deal with his loss. What I need to do is realize that my feelings of sadness are not ME and not a reflection of my worth. Just because I'm sad doesn't mean life is bad or that I need food to comfort me. Food is not comfort. It's just food. I'm working hard to find comfort in other things.

"You'll always be fat."

                                                     Bullshit.

8 comments:

  1. It is almost two years for me with this FINAL weight loss adventure. Still plugging along. I was thinking about food, and a line similar to yours "It's just food" on my bike the other day. That is a profoundly simple adage. It. is. just. food.

    You have had your share of curve balls this past year. I know you will never give up. Never. Neither will I. No matter what is thrown our way.

    Stay strong. I hope this week is better for you and your family.

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  2. I know that for me, it wasn't something I "planned." All the dozens of times over the ten years I was obese, every time I said, "I'm going to start working out," or "I'm going to do weight watchers/start a diet/etc"...it never happened...or it happened for like...three days. The day I really changed everything took me by surprise. I hadn't been dwelling on my weight or had a specific experience like a comment from someone or a pair of jeans not zipping up...I was ten years into being 200+ lbs and for the most part just said, this is what I am. But in one moment, for whatever reason, I looked down at myself and said, this is NOT what I'm supposed to be -- and that was the turning point. All the false starts and half-hearted New Year's resolutions and Mondays and after the holiday and tomorrow-plans never stuck -- I guess because I really *wasn't* ready. You've read how frustrated and baffled I get by the "trainwrecks" and their constant backsliding, justifications, "I'm not defined by my weight," etc...part of me knows they're just NOT READY YET. Maybe different things are holding them back than whatever it was holding me back (because I still don't know WHAT held me back for so long) but one day, one moment, it just clicked and I started and never stopped. It might be that way for you, too. Good to see you back, in any event!

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  3. I thought of you when I wore that yukky orange rust shirt....
    The one with the cow horns...
    Some DFW bloggers are MEATING up.... later in June...
    If you wanna - you are invited! Maybe a Brazilian Steak House...
    To enjoy while we reach our goals!

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  4. WHAT IS it with the self doubt creeping back in this past week!? I've been so frustrated with my caving in to cravings. LAME! I'm here with you lady.

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  5. We all have those low times where we go back to that negative internal self talk. It's a difficult thing to overcome and for me I think it will always be lurking in the shadows ready to come out and take over if I let. Being aware is a great first step.

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  6. Sometimes it's hard to get that mojo back. I've been fighting it myself lately... I think I've got it, but time will tell.

    oh, and welcome back :)

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  7. Come over and let me give you a big ol' hug! I feel your hurt. I understand that "fat" feeling. It is so hard for those of us with certain bodies to fight the toxic enviornment in which we live - social pressure to look a certain way, food choices are unbelievably unhealthy, we have been trained to comfort ourselves with food rather to celebrate occasionaly with special foods. It sucks to be our super effecient bodies. On the other hand, we are the product of millions of years of fine honing.

    I truly have decided this is no longer a fight but process of self-care. Too long it has been a fight about self-loathing. No more.

    You are a fantastic person, mother, physician. Take good care of the wonderful person who shares so much of her self with us.

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  8. Glad to have your voice back, Doc. One of my recent "aha's" is that this is a chronic condition. For me that means taking my calorie intake seriously every day. It also means that those voices may never truly be gone, but they can go into permanent remission, if managed daily. I have a friend who cannot eat all kinds of things. When our work team goes out for lunch, she almost always ends up sending things back because they gave her something that could cause a serious allergic reaction. But she just manages the situation every day. That's what I need to do. We are always going to be predisposed to weight gain. But we don't have to always (or ever) give in.

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Progress to TouchDown and GOALLLL!!