Today is a MUCH better day. Physically I feel better, but still a bit wheezy. Mentally I feel much calmer and happier today. Thanks for all your kind comments on the post yesterday. I hate writing that stuff, but I knew it would have to come out. I am strongly against the victim mentality and I have come a long way from there.
Yesterday I finished within the calorie budget for the challenge but I wouldn't say they were quality calories. I didn't get all the water in ,but close. Considering my state of mind I think I did well to avoid a terrible binge. I ate a mini snickers and a mini twix. But considering I came home from Sam's with 5 huge bags of candy, I feel this showed incredible restraint I woke up this morning and I was not even hungry. But, I got some decent sleep and today has been better food wise.
I ate my cheerios for breakfast. Lunch was an egg sandwich with my lite wheat bread. Water, water, water today as I am thirsty from yesterday. I made homemade Chicken and Dumplings for dinner. I wanted something tasty that I could leave on the stove all day. It is our family recipe and it is from scratch. I have calculated the calories so I know how much I can eat on plan.
I have apple cider simmering on the stove for the kids. I don't really care for it so it's not a temptation for me. The kids also wanted cookies so we bought those Pillsbury pumpkin ones. The girls can put them on the pan and they think it's cool to watch the pumpkin grow. Again I don't like those at all, no temptation for me.
My son and I watched scary movies this morning. He had never seen The Lost Boys and so we watched it together. I LOVE scary movies. I've been surprised by the scant numbers on the TV today. We watched The Crazies on cable and it was pretty good. I suppose the worst horror on my TV today was the Cowboys game. SCARY!
Later we carved pumpkins. The girls hadn't really participated until now. They were so cute squealing, "Ewwww! It's slimey." The little one made her's "Happy Pumpkin". The Big Sissy made her's "A little scary and a little happy." Son made his " like Jason Holding a Machete." OK. We saved the seeds to be roasted later. I've never been a fan, but kids want to try it.
Son is going as a gangster complete with pin striped suit and black fedora, carrying a big Tommy Gun (air soft gun, of course). Little sis is Sleeping Beauty and wants lots of makeup and glitter. Big sis is Fashion Fairy Tale Barbie. They both have sparkly shoes and are prancing around already.
I love Halloween. It is so much fun to see all the kids. This is the first year to celebrate in our neighborhood. Last year we were in Oklahoma. Can't wait to walk the neighborhood and see everyone's houses. We will likely head over to our old neighborhood. Halloween is HUGE over there. Everyone dresses up, the houses are decorated and everyone hangs outside with fires and it is a lot of fun.
Hope all of you are enjoying your day. Making memories for my kids is the best part of any holiday! Enjoy!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Saturday Sadness.
Yesterday went well until I got home. There was homemade pizza. I ate a little. Then I ate a little more. Then I ate a cookie. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I have this cloud that hangs over me sometimes? I've struggled with depression forever. Since I was a child I suspect.
I remember being about 6 years old and laying on the sofa, just crying all day. For no reason. My grandmother would ask, "What's wrong? Why are you so upset?" I would just cry and cry and say, "I don't know." And I didn't. I still don't. It's weird and crazy. I have so many wonderful things in my life. I feel guilty for being down, but sometimes I can't help it. Usually I pull myself out after a day or two. Today is one of those days I'm trying to pull myself out.
I had nightmares last night. Silly things and scary things. I woke up feeling sad and down. My husband left to go to Oklahoma to the football game with a friend. He needed to pick somethings up for work. So I'm here with the girls. Son is at boy scouts and I pick him up at 10pm. Me alone feeling down. Not good. I wasn't going to post. I wasn't even going to read blogs, but I knew that would only make things worse. So here I am.
Last week got me down. I am still having trouble with asthma. I can't breathe very well. My throat is sore. I think I'm getting a sinus infection. I have an infection in one of my incisions. It hurts when it is touched and looks gross. It woke me up several times last night. I am tired of feeling bad. Tired of it.
I was great last week. I ate well and I had finally made it under my pre-surgery weight. I was feeling back on track. Then...I gained 1.5 pounds for no real reason and I started feeling down. I've followed the challenge all week. I am still up in weight. I'm not weighing anymore for a while. It really set me off.
My brain chemistry isn't right. I know this. I know it is genetic. Both of my parents have mental health issues. My Dad is really sick. That's why we have no relationship anymore. There are times. Like today when I wonder. I don't see him or speak to him. It's better that way.
My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. He was abusive to my Mom. Not physically. Mentally. She left just before the physical part started. I think she is very brave for realizing it. Especially considering her childhood. It isn't my place to tell her story, but she's been through things that many don't survive. I didn't know the whole story on my Dad until I was old enough to understand. My Mom never bad mouthed Dad.
When I was little around 4 or 5, my Dad started telling me I was too fat. I shouldn't eat this or that. He'd tell me how pretty I'd be if I weren't fat. I only saw him occasionally. It was very hurtful. I was always so excited to see him and he would comment on my weight every time when he greeted me. As I got older, I was hurt more and more.
He is Lebanese. That added to our conflicts. In my experience, women are not valued in that culture. His 2 sons, my 1/2 brothers, got everything their way. I was supposed to cook and clean and be quiet. Well, this didn't mesh too well with the independent ideas my ERA supporting Mom was teaching me. When I think back, I realize we just didn't get each other and he never really put a lot of effort into making sure he knew me.
He lived in Colorado. I lived with my Mom in Oklahoma. We went for months without speaking. Months without seeing each other. Then, I guess he'd get guilty and he'd send me a big box of clothes and money. I found out later he never payed child support. He was remarried with 4 kids. Twin girls and 2 younger boys.
The last summer I visited was the worst. I was 15 and just starting to find my way and independence. He kept telling me he wanted me to stay with him. He was talking about moving or going to Lebanon. He was physically abusive to his wife and the girls. I've seen him beat them with shoes and belts and sticks and whatever was handy. I saw him hit my step mother in the head with a frying pan once because she didn't cook something right. He would shout in Arabic, which I couldn't speak. He never hit me. He knew he couldn't or he wouldn't see me again. But I would watch and I would spend my time trying to keep the twins safe.
That summer I got the chicken pox a few days after I arrived. I had babysat for a baby that had them. My mom thought it was safe since I'd already had them. Two days after arriving I had a high fever and the rash came. My Dad said my Mom and I planned it to ruin his visit with me. He was so angry at me for being sick. He didn't want me in bed. He didn't want me calling my Mom. He wasn't going to give me medicine for the fever, but my step-mother fought with him and he finally gave in.
For those 2 weeks, he came in every morning and work me early, sometimes before the sun was up. He would make me and the "fat twin" walk around the block. Every meal, he'd give me some food and then take it away after a few minutes. Once there was a family dinner where all these people I didn't know and couldn't speak the language with were there. I knew he was talking about me and pointing to me. Finally he came and in front of the whole room he says in English, "See. I tell you she is fat because she eats all the time. She would be pretty, but she won't stop eating." They laughed. I just sat there. Soon, I was sent outside to walk around the block. I cried the whole way. I walked down the block and sat down and cried.
I didn't tell my Mom about this stuff. I think it's because I so desperately wanted him to love me. I also had come to believe him in some ways. That I was a fat failure. That I was a loser and not worth anything.
The last days were worse and worse. He told me if I didn't stay with him I would not be his daughter anymore. I called my Mom and she heard the fear and sadness sin my voice I guess. She asked what was wrong. I told her he wanted me to stay with him and that he was going on a trip and wanted me to go. I told her I didn't want to. She told me not to worry about it. Everything would be fine.
The next morning she and her best friend arrived to pick me up. I had no idea, but Dad thought I'd asked her to come. She knocked on the door, said she was taking me home and I should get my stuff. My Dad was furious. I went down stairs and started packing. I was so relieved. The twin girls were in my room crying and begging me not to leave. Then he came in. He told me that My Mom was deliberately making me fat so that no man would ever want me and I would have to stay with her forever. He told me I was going to be fat just like her with no man. He told me that if I left that day, he would never speak to me again. He would never call me. He would no loner be my father. He told me that all I wanted him for was money. He took out his wallet and shoved all the money in it at me and walked out.He wouldn't let the kids or my step mother say good bye to me.
I cried and cried. I told my Mom what he had said. She was so nice. She said he was just mad and didn't mean it. I have this big wad of money and I was in shock. Just sitting there crying and not speaking. Mom said, "Hey I thought you said you were going to the mall to buy that watch." She took me there. Then we went and ate a HUGE meal. She said I could eat whatever I wanted. This was new considering she tried to make me eat healthy. I had a big burger, fries and a giant ice cream sundae. And I learned I can bury my sorrow with shopping and food.
I didn't hear from my Dad for 10 years. Just before I got married I called him. I felt like I was ready and I wanted to forgive him. My husband, bless his heart, drove me there. We met him. We reconciled. He came to my wedding and my half-siblings did also. He was furious that I didn't let him walk me down the aisle. I didn't feel that he'd earned the right. That started the end.
We stayed in touch every few months I'd call him. We'd talk a little. He asked me when I was going to give him a grand child and said a lot of the old hurtful things again. I told him I didn't know. At the time, I didn't. I was in residency and very busy. I decided that if he wanted a relationship with me, he could call me. He didn't. A year later, I had my son. I felt bad for not telling him. I sent him an announcement. I received the meanest letter from him telling me that I was never a good daughter to him. I never called him or tried to know him. He then said that my son didn't look like me only like him and that I didn't deserve a son like that. He was angry that I didn't choose an Arabic name.
After that it was over. I never responded. I never spoke with him again. I didnt' want him anywhere near my son. When we moved, I didn't tell him where. A few years ago, before I'd had the girls, he found me. He called and wanted to come see me. I met him at the office as I didnt' want him knowing my home address. My mom and husband were there. He was very apoloetic. He wanted to meet my son.
My husband said no way and I agreed. We agreed that we'd see how things went. If he really was trying to show me he'd changed, we'd see with time. Until I was sure, he wasn't meeting his grandson. We were parents and we had to protect our child. A few weeks later he called again. He got angry. Said I was punishing him and not being a Christian by not forgiving him. I told him I had, but I wasn't ready for him to meet my son. He started yelling. I hung up. I sent him a long email detailing all the things he had said and done and why I didn't want him near my son. I told him that unless he got some mental health treatment, I didn't want to speak with him again. I haven't heard from him again.
And that is that..I feel better. I'm sorry I went on and on. But, I actually feel better after pouring all that out of me. I am still down, but less. I went over my calories for the DDDY challenge yesterday by about 200. I had eaten less though twice this week, so over all I'm OK as long as I reign it in the rest of today. I think I can. Maybe I'll take the girls for a walk or just play Wii for a while. See y'all tomorrow!
I remember being about 6 years old and laying on the sofa, just crying all day. For no reason. My grandmother would ask, "What's wrong? Why are you so upset?" I would just cry and cry and say, "I don't know." And I didn't. I still don't. It's weird and crazy. I have so many wonderful things in my life. I feel guilty for being down, but sometimes I can't help it. Usually I pull myself out after a day or two. Today is one of those days I'm trying to pull myself out.
I had nightmares last night. Silly things and scary things. I woke up feeling sad and down. My husband left to go to Oklahoma to the football game with a friend. He needed to pick somethings up for work. So I'm here with the girls. Son is at boy scouts and I pick him up at 10pm. Me alone feeling down. Not good. I wasn't going to post. I wasn't even going to read blogs, but I knew that would only make things worse. So here I am.
Last week got me down. I am still having trouble with asthma. I can't breathe very well. My throat is sore. I think I'm getting a sinus infection. I have an infection in one of my incisions. It hurts when it is touched and looks gross. It woke me up several times last night. I am tired of feeling bad. Tired of it.
I was great last week. I ate well and I had finally made it under my pre-surgery weight. I was feeling back on track. Then...I gained 1.5 pounds for no real reason and I started feeling down. I've followed the challenge all week. I am still up in weight. I'm not weighing anymore for a while. It really set me off.
My brain chemistry isn't right. I know this. I know it is genetic. Both of my parents have mental health issues. My Dad is really sick. That's why we have no relationship anymore. There are times. Like today when I wonder. I don't see him or speak to him. It's better that way.
My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. He was abusive to my Mom. Not physically. Mentally. She left just before the physical part started. I think she is very brave for realizing it. Especially considering her childhood. It isn't my place to tell her story, but she's been through things that many don't survive. I didn't know the whole story on my Dad until I was old enough to understand. My Mom never bad mouthed Dad.
When I was little around 4 or 5, my Dad started telling me I was too fat. I shouldn't eat this or that. He'd tell me how pretty I'd be if I weren't fat. I only saw him occasionally. It was very hurtful. I was always so excited to see him and he would comment on my weight every time when he greeted me. As I got older, I was hurt more and more.
He is Lebanese. That added to our conflicts. In my experience, women are not valued in that culture. His 2 sons, my 1/2 brothers, got everything their way. I was supposed to cook and clean and be quiet. Well, this didn't mesh too well with the independent ideas my ERA supporting Mom was teaching me. When I think back, I realize we just didn't get each other and he never really put a lot of effort into making sure he knew me.
He lived in Colorado. I lived with my Mom in Oklahoma. We went for months without speaking. Months without seeing each other. Then, I guess he'd get guilty and he'd send me a big box of clothes and money. I found out later he never payed child support. He was remarried with 4 kids. Twin girls and 2 younger boys.
The last summer I visited was the worst. I was 15 and just starting to find my way and independence. He kept telling me he wanted me to stay with him. He was talking about moving or going to Lebanon. He was physically abusive to his wife and the girls. I've seen him beat them with shoes and belts and sticks and whatever was handy. I saw him hit my step mother in the head with a frying pan once because she didn't cook something right. He would shout in Arabic, which I couldn't speak. He never hit me. He knew he couldn't or he wouldn't see me again. But I would watch and I would spend my time trying to keep the twins safe.
That summer I got the chicken pox a few days after I arrived. I had babysat for a baby that had them. My mom thought it was safe since I'd already had them. Two days after arriving I had a high fever and the rash came. My Dad said my Mom and I planned it to ruin his visit with me. He was so angry at me for being sick. He didn't want me in bed. He didn't want me calling my Mom. He wasn't going to give me medicine for the fever, but my step-mother fought with him and he finally gave in.
For those 2 weeks, he came in every morning and work me early, sometimes before the sun was up. He would make me and the "fat twin" walk around the block. Every meal, he'd give me some food and then take it away after a few minutes. Once there was a family dinner where all these people I didn't know and couldn't speak the language with were there. I knew he was talking about me and pointing to me. Finally he came and in front of the whole room he says in English, "See. I tell you she is fat because she eats all the time. She would be pretty, but she won't stop eating." They laughed. I just sat there. Soon, I was sent outside to walk around the block. I cried the whole way. I walked down the block and sat down and cried.
I didn't tell my Mom about this stuff. I think it's because I so desperately wanted him to love me. I also had come to believe him in some ways. That I was a fat failure. That I was a loser and not worth anything.
The last days were worse and worse. He told me if I didn't stay with him I would not be his daughter anymore. I called my Mom and she heard the fear and sadness sin my voice I guess. She asked what was wrong. I told her he wanted me to stay with him and that he was going on a trip and wanted me to go. I told her I didn't want to. She told me not to worry about it. Everything would be fine.
The next morning she and her best friend arrived to pick me up. I had no idea, but Dad thought I'd asked her to come. She knocked on the door, said she was taking me home and I should get my stuff. My Dad was furious. I went down stairs and started packing. I was so relieved. The twin girls were in my room crying and begging me not to leave. Then he came in. He told me that My Mom was deliberately making me fat so that no man would ever want me and I would have to stay with her forever. He told me I was going to be fat just like her with no man. He told me that if I left that day, he would never speak to me again. He would never call me. He would no loner be my father. He told me that all I wanted him for was money. He took out his wallet and shoved all the money in it at me and walked out.He wouldn't let the kids or my step mother say good bye to me.
I cried and cried. I told my Mom what he had said. She was so nice. She said he was just mad and didn't mean it. I have this big wad of money and I was in shock. Just sitting there crying and not speaking. Mom said, "Hey I thought you said you were going to the mall to buy that watch." She took me there. Then we went and ate a HUGE meal. She said I could eat whatever I wanted. This was new considering she tried to make me eat healthy. I had a big burger, fries and a giant ice cream sundae. And I learned I can bury my sorrow with shopping and food.
I didn't hear from my Dad for 10 years. Just before I got married I called him. I felt like I was ready and I wanted to forgive him. My husband, bless his heart, drove me there. We met him. We reconciled. He came to my wedding and my half-siblings did also. He was furious that I didn't let him walk me down the aisle. I didn't feel that he'd earned the right. That started the end.
We stayed in touch every few months I'd call him. We'd talk a little. He asked me when I was going to give him a grand child and said a lot of the old hurtful things again. I told him I didn't know. At the time, I didn't. I was in residency and very busy. I decided that if he wanted a relationship with me, he could call me. He didn't. A year later, I had my son. I felt bad for not telling him. I sent him an announcement. I received the meanest letter from him telling me that I was never a good daughter to him. I never called him or tried to know him. He then said that my son didn't look like me only like him and that I didn't deserve a son like that. He was angry that I didn't choose an Arabic name.
After that it was over. I never responded. I never spoke with him again. I didnt' want him anywhere near my son. When we moved, I didn't tell him where. A few years ago, before I'd had the girls, he found me. He called and wanted to come see me. I met him at the office as I didnt' want him knowing my home address. My mom and husband were there. He was very apoloetic. He wanted to meet my son.
My husband said no way and I agreed. We agreed that we'd see how things went. If he really was trying to show me he'd changed, we'd see with time. Until I was sure, he wasn't meeting his grandson. We were parents and we had to protect our child. A few weeks later he called again. He got angry. Said I was punishing him and not being a Christian by not forgiving him. I told him I had, but I wasn't ready for him to meet my son. He started yelling. I hung up. I sent him a long email detailing all the things he had said and done and why I didn't want him near my son. I told him that unless he got some mental health treatment, I didn't want to speak with him again. I haven't heard from him again.
And that is that..I feel better. I'm sorry I went on and on. But, I actually feel better after pouring all that out of me. I am still down, but less. I went over my calories for the DDDY challenge yesterday by about 200. I had eaten less though twice this week, so over all I'm OK as long as I reign it in the rest of today. I think I can. Maybe I'll take the girls for a walk or just play Wii for a while. See y'all tomorrow!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Friday. Hot 100 Update and DDDY Challenge
Finally it's Friday. What a whipping the Rangers have gotten the last 2 nights. Glad they are coming home to Texas to re-group. I'm hoping they can rally.
DDDY Challenge
Yesterday was good for food and water. I'm still confused as to why the scale says I'm up. I haven't cheated. No Bullshit. I drank 80 oz water yesterday. I did not workout, but it's not part of the challenge. I can say I had a hungry day yesterday and I know that's because I've been eating too many carbs, so I'm cutting back.
Here's my menu:
Breakfast: Cheerios and Milk=281cal
Snack: Apple sauce=50cal
Lunch:Progresso light veggie soup 1 cup, 5 tortilla chips w/ 2 tbs shredded cheddar cheese, melted=212 cal
Snack:Fiber one bar=140 cal
Dinner: Beef stew (homemade), Salad, 1/2 piece of whole grain bread w/ 1 tsp smart balance=560
Snack:apple=77 cal
Total=1322 cal
Hot 100 Update
Goals
1) Weigh 199- Well, I was down to below my pre-surgery weight, but this week I am showing a gain. I do not get this at all and I am frustrated. So, I'm backing down on carbs and watching the sodium. Pushing the water.
2)Run a 5K-I am registered for 11/14 for a 5K. At this point I don't know that I'll run the whole thing, but I'm doing it. Exercise will restart this weekend. I tried and had some trouble last week.
3) Wear size 12 jeans-this depends on #1 and exercise. I'm heading in the right direction as the 14s have room
4)Get my TKD yellow belt-I haven't been back to class. I'll restart my cardio and get back to class once I'm sure I can do it. It is NOT an easy workout. But, I know all the material so it's a matter of getting back to class and taking the test when it's offered in December.
I have some other things to talk about weekend wise and others, I'll post again later. Wanted to get something done early so if I get wrapped up in activities and work I'll have those updates posted. Have a great day and don't forget to post!
Here's me with my new hair do and Halloween garb I'm wearing today.
DDDY Challenge
Yesterday was good for food and water. I'm still confused as to why the scale says I'm up. I haven't cheated. No Bullshit. I drank 80 oz water yesterday. I did not workout, but it's not part of the challenge. I can say I had a hungry day yesterday and I know that's because I've been eating too many carbs, so I'm cutting back.
Here's my menu:
Breakfast: Cheerios and Milk=281cal
Snack: Apple sauce=50cal
Lunch:Progresso light veggie soup 1 cup, 5 tortilla chips w/ 2 tbs shredded cheddar cheese, melted=212 cal
Snack:Fiber one bar=140 cal
Dinner: Beef stew (homemade), Salad, 1/2 piece of whole grain bread w/ 1 tsp smart balance=560
Snack:apple=77 cal
Total=1322 cal
Hot 100 Update
Goals
1) Weigh 199- Well, I was down to below my pre-surgery weight, but this week I am showing a gain. I do not get this at all and I am frustrated. So, I'm backing down on carbs and watching the sodium. Pushing the water.
2)Run a 5K-I am registered for 11/14 for a 5K. At this point I don't know that I'll run the whole thing, but I'm doing it. Exercise will restart this weekend. I tried and had some trouble last week.
3) Wear size 12 jeans-this depends on #1 and exercise. I'm heading in the right direction as the 14s have room
4)Get my TKD yellow belt-I haven't been back to class. I'll restart my cardio and get back to class once I'm sure I can do it. It is NOT an easy workout. But, I know all the material so it's a matter of getting back to class and taking the test when it's offered in December.
I have some other things to talk about weekend wise and others, I'll post again later. Wanted to get something done early so if I get wrapped up in activities and work I'll have those updates posted. Have a great day and don't forget to post!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
FIfty Questions
I stole this from someone who stole it from someone....
1.What time did you get up this morning? 5:30am, Kid's got football at 6:30am. Freakin early!
2. How do you like your steak? Medium
44. Last person you went out to dinner with? See #40
1.What time did you get up this morning? 5:30am, Kid's got football at 6:30am. Freakin early!
2. How do you like your steak? Medium
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? The Town. It was awesome.
4. What is your favorite TV show? I have to pick ONE? Sons of Anarchy, Vampire Diaries, Boardwalk Empire
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be??? I'd like to be able to stay somewhere for a month,
then move somewhere new. But, with the kids, I pretty much love where we live now.
6. What did you have for breakfast? slice of pumpkin bread
7. What is your favorite cuisine? You're kidding, right? I didn't get to be fat by being picky. I guess Italian.
8. What foods do you dislike? Sushi
9. Favorite Place to Eat?Anywhere.
10. Favorite dressing? Balsamic
11. What kind of vehicle do you drive? Toyota Sienna Mini van
12. What are your favorite clothes? shorts and a sweatshirt.
13. What is your favorite number? don't really have one.
15. Where would you want to retire? See question #5, but probably I'll retire where my kids are
16. Favorite time of day? Any time I'm not working and I'm alone. Soooo none?
17. Where were you born? Norman, Oklahoma (NOW do you see why I'm a Sooner Fan?)
18. What is your favorite sport to watch? FOOTBALL!
19. How many siblings? ZERO
20. Favorite pastime/hobby? exercise, reading, movies, watching TV
22. Bird watcher? no, but I enjoy it when I'm sitting outside. But, I'm not a active watcher.
23. Are you a morning person or a night person? I like both. Depends on what I'm doing.
24. Do you have any pets? A dog, A turtle, A gecko
25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Nope
26. What did you want to be when you were little? A Doctor
27. What is your best childhood memory? The nervous feeling trying to sleep Christmas Eve
28. Are you a cat or dog person? CAT, but I don't have one due to the hubby
29. Are you married?Yep. 15 years this year. Been together 20
30. Always wear your seat belt? ABSOLUTELY
31. Been in a car accident? Yes
32. Any pet peeves? Chewing w/ your mouth open. Picking your nose.
33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Pepperoni, sausage, onion and green pepper
34. Favorite Flower? Hydrangea, Hyacinth,
35. Favorite ice cream? Chocolate Almond, Ben&Jerry's Cherry Garcia
36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Chick-Fil-A
37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Never
38. From whom did you get your last email? Son's band director
39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? No idea, I don't shop as much as I used to.
40. Do anything spontaneous lately? I have THREE kids. It's not even in our vocabulary
41. Like your job? Most days
42. Broccoli? Love it
43. What was your favorite vacation? I love them all, but probably LONDON.
44. Last person you went out to dinner with? See #40
45. What are you listening to right now? Sports Radio. Is there anything else?
46. What is your favorite color? I don't really have one, but I do hate orange
47. How many tattoos do you have? None. I have a fear of OLD sagging fat tattoos. Ewwww. I've seen a few. NOT pretty.
49. What time did you finish this quiz? Was I supposed to be timing it?
50. Coffee Drinker? YES! Please.....you don't get through medical school and residency without learning to.
Thursday. DDD Challenge and Rangers...
So today is another day. I am pooped. My back is killing me, I don't know what I've done. I do know it's time to get back to the exercise. My foot has finally healed from the blister and insuing infection. Now I have a small spot on one of my incisions that is infected. My asthma is terrible and I am thinking I'm going to have to bite the bullet and take some steroids which I HATE. But, if I don't get this cleared up, I know I'm looking at a few more weeks of asthma and that will impede my exercise. I've got the dang 5K in a few weeks and I haven't done jack to be ready, no fault of mine, yet I still feel the guilt.
I woke up this am puffy and up a pound. WTH? I am eating right and following all the rules of the challenge. I'm wondering what's up. Maybe too much sodium? Maybe hormones? Maybe too many carbs?
Here's my food from yesterday. I had 96ounces of water, maybe more.
Breakfast: 1/2 piece pumpkin bread, apple, orange=309 cal
Lunch: Cantaloupe and Honey Dew, weight watchers mini veggie pizza=332cal
Snack: Low fat sugar free frozen yogurt=230cal
Dinner: Sweet potato risotto, 1/2 cup corn, 1cup green beans, salad=400cal
Total=1271 cal
I don't feel like I was off base with my eating, but you can see that I had more carbs than usual yesterday as I usual average 50% of my cals from healthy carbs and my sodium was up a little. Anyway, I'm going to keep on because....well the other choice is to stop and go crazy and THAT's not a real option.
Today was pajama day at my middle girl's school. She looked so cute in her pink polka dot jammies and fluffy pink slippers. My younger one doesn't go to public school yet so Red Ribbon week is not part of their thing. She said, "I want to wear jammies too" I said, "Fine. But, you'll probably be the only one." She says, "Then I'll be stupid." No sweety, you'll be comfortable. But in the end peer pressure won and she wore her cute little orange skirt with Halloween shirt. I appeased her by pointing out that tomorrow SHE gets to wear her costume to school, but sister won't get to because they don't allow costumes at her school. Peace again.
What struck me was how early that peer pressure kicks in. I mean, it's pre K and she's 4. Good grief. I was a little saddened, but I realize we are built to be social and part of that is fitting in. I wondered then how old I was when I really realized how different I was with my weight issues. I know it was an issue by 2nd grade for sure. Then I went to a bigger school and I was definitely teased at times by then. No wonder my self image was so warped by high school. No wonder I felt so lonely. By then it was 7 long years of ridicule. No wonder I'm having such a hard time changing my view of myself after 33 years or so of feeling fat and getting made fun of.
I'm really trying not to worry about the girls or influence their body images in any way other than positive. They don't talk about anything yet except, "Look how BIG I'm getting, Mommy!" I admit that I look at them and hope and pray they stay a normal weight. Right now they are both actually a little small. So was their brother until he hit about 8, then he got a bit pudgy. Now he's learning to eat healthier and his weight is closer to normal, although he is a tad overweight. I am so conscious of their eating, but I have to not make them crazy about food either. It is a tight rope that is frankly making me nuts in a lot of ways. But, last night my son wanted to drive thru on the way home because he said he was starving and I said no because there is plenty of healthy food at home. And sure enough, Nanny had cooked and we had a great meal.
As parents I think we are desperate for our kids to be happy and healthy. We worry so much about their social life, who their friends are and how their grades are. We have to be careful not to show that worry or the kids begin to feel the same way. Report cards come out on Friday and I hope that Son has gotten that English grade up. He had a C and his Dad will crap a load. Supposedly he got it up to high B. I've been too afraid to get online and check. Too late to change it now. Football will be ending and our time should be freer by then, at least a little.
Today I got dressed in my new XL Tshirt. I grabbed my denim scrub pants. I didn't realize how HUGE they were as I was rushing around this morning. But once I got to work and took a look at my legs. OMG, they are a 2X and they are literally big enough I can almost fit both legs in 1 side. I feel pretty silly and I'll get these in the give away pile ASAP. I have a charity coming on Tuesday next week.
Rangers game last night was weird and an anomaly in so many ways. I still feel good that our team will pull through. I re-read my post and realized I said I bought an NLCS shirt, which of course is WRONG since we play in the AL. That's what happens when you listen to ESPN while trying to type.
Here's a pic of the shirt:
Sorry for those of you who aren't into sports. I can't help it. It's really a big part of my life. I also think that watching sports and seeing these athletes keeps exercise in my brain. It makes me think, "I want to do THAT!" Which of course I can't do most of what I see, but it challenges me. It inspires me. These guys and ladies are amazing with the things they can do.
Hope you all have a great day! What things do you use in your everyday life to inspire you? How do you handle your kids body image issues and how to you keep from projecting your issues onto them?
I woke up this am puffy and up a pound. WTH? I am eating right and following all the rules of the challenge. I'm wondering what's up. Maybe too much sodium? Maybe hormones? Maybe too many carbs?
Here's my food from yesterday. I had 96ounces of water, maybe more.
Breakfast: 1/2 piece pumpkin bread, apple, orange=309 cal
Lunch: Cantaloupe and Honey Dew, weight watchers mini veggie pizza=332cal
Snack: Low fat sugar free frozen yogurt=230cal
Dinner: Sweet potato risotto, 1/2 cup corn, 1cup green beans, salad=400cal
Total=1271 cal
I don't feel like I was off base with my eating, but you can see that I had more carbs than usual yesterday as I usual average 50% of my cals from healthy carbs and my sodium was up a little. Anyway, I'm going to keep on because....well the other choice is to stop and go crazy and THAT's not a real option.
Today was pajama day at my middle girl's school. She looked so cute in her pink polka dot jammies and fluffy pink slippers. My younger one doesn't go to public school yet so Red Ribbon week is not part of their thing. She said, "I want to wear jammies too" I said, "Fine. But, you'll probably be the only one." She says, "Then I'll be stupid." No sweety, you'll be comfortable. But in the end peer pressure won and she wore her cute little orange skirt with Halloween shirt. I appeased her by pointing out that tomorrow SHE gets to wear her costume to school, but sister won't get to because they don't allow costumes at her school. Peace again.
What struck me was how early that peer pressure kicks in. I mean, it's pre K and she's 4. Good grief. I was a little saddened, but I realize we are built to be social and part of that is fitting in. I wondered then how old I was when I really realized how different I was with my weight issues. I know it was an issue by 2nd grade for sure. Then I went to a bigger school and I was definitely teased at times by then. No wonder my self image was so warped by high school. No wonder I felt so lonely. By then it was 7 long years of ridicule. No wonder I'm having such a hard time changing my view of myself after 33 years or so of feeling fat and getting made fun of.
I'm really trying not to worry about the girls or influence their body images in any way other than positive. They don't talk about anything yet except, "Look how BIG I'm getting, Mommy!" I admit that I look at them and hope and pray they stay a normal weight. Right now they are both actually a little small. So was their brother until he hit about 8, then he got a bit pudgy. Now he's learning to eat healthier and his weight is closer to normal, although he is a tad overweight. I am so conscious of their eating, but I have to not make them crazy about food either. It is a tight rope that is frankly making me nuts in a lot of ways. But, last night my son wanted to drive thru on the way home because he said he was starving and I said no because there is plenty of healthy food at home. And sure enough, Nanny had cooked and we had a great meal.
As parents I think we are desperate for our kids to be happy and healthy. We worry so much about their social life, who their friends are and how their grades are. We have to be careful not to show that worry or the kids begin to feel the same way. Report cards come out on Friday and I hope that Son has gotten that English grade up. He had a C and his Dad will crap a load. Supposedly he got it up to high B. I've been too afraid to get online and check. Too late to change it now. Football will be ending and our time should be freer by then, at least a little.
Today I got dressed in my new XL Tshirt. I grabbed my denim scrub pants. I didn't realize how HUGE they were as I was rushing around this morning. But once I got to work and took a look at my legs. OMG, they are a 2X and they are literally big enough I can almost fit both legs in 1 side. I feel pretty silly and I'll get these in the give away pile ASAP. I have a charity coming on Tuesday next week.
Rangers game last night was weird and an anomaly in so many ways. I still feel good that our team will pull through. I re-read my post and realized I said I bought an NLCS shirt, which of course is WRONG since we play in the AL. That's what happens when you listen to ESPN while trying to type.
Sorry for those of you who aren't into sports. I can't help it. It's really a big part of my life. I also think that watching sports and seeing these athletes keeps exercise in my brain. It makes me think, "I want to do THAT!" Which of course I can't do most of what I see, but it challenges me. It inspires me. These guys and ladies are amazing with the things they can do.
Hope you all have a great day! What things do you use in your everyday life to inspire you? How do you handle your kids body image issues and how to you keep from projecting your issues onto them?
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Wedsday. Wheeze, Cough.
Good morning everybody. I am up early as usual and am blessed to have my fall allergies and asthma in full swing. I hate hay. It's a good thing I'm not a horse or other farm animal. We spent the day at the pumpkin patch farm yesterday. The kids had a blast. They got to pet the goats and rabbits and pig. See chickens. They have a maze for them to run through. They made a scarecrow. And everyone came home with a pumpkin.
I came home with a pumpkin and plenty of wheezing. The hay ride is no barrel of laughs for me. It always sets my asthma off and this is no different. But, the things we do for our kids, right? I picked up some cute white mini pumpkins and fall corn for my table centerpiece. I also came home with some acorn squash and carnival pumpkins to try. Apparently these little pumpkins taste like sweet potatoes when baked so I was sold on trying them. I'll take some pictures and let you know how they turn out.
Diet wise I stayed in the challenge goals. I ate a little more than usual yesterday since I came home to fresh and warm from the oven pumpkin bread. (Have i told you lately how much I LOVE my nanny?) I had a slice for snack. Still my calories were at my goal of 1375. I drank about 96 ounces of water. I did a lot of walking with the kiddos. And over all it was a good day.
Breakfast: Yogurt, egg, oatmeal muffin: 302 cal
Snack: apple=70 cal
Lunch: Turkey pastrami in a flat wrap with lettuce, string cheese and mustard and an apple: 317 cal
Snack: Pumpkin bread=320 cal
Dinner: Salad and 3 ounces of steak left over=289cal
Snack=8 wheat thin crackers
Last night we went to my son's last home game and they WON! Yeah. Finally. Poor kids. They've come so close several times, but this is the first win. The majority of kids on the team have never played before and it took a while for everyone to "get it". My son was so proud. Daddy took him to Braums's for ice cream. I didn't go since I had to get the girls home and ready for bed AND the tiny detail of me eating my weight in Braum's ice cream when I am overly happy and tired. No go on the Braum's. Even though my husband called and asked if I wanted anything. "No. Thanks, hon for asking." Get used to saying it. It really works.
Well, I'm off to work. First game World Series and I bought a NLCS CHAMPS shirt today so I'll wear it tomorrow instead of the plain Rangers I'm wearing today. SO cool that I don't have to worry so much about finding my size anymore as everywhere generally has the regular XL. Yeah me!
I'm pretty high right now from my inhalers, so I've got the shakes. I better stop typing and get to work. Have a great day everyone!
I came home with a pumpkin and plenty of wheezing. The hay ride is no barrel of laughs for me. It always sets my asthma off and this is no different. But, the things we do for our kids, right? I picked up some cute white mini pumpkins and fall corn for my table centerpiece. I also came home with some acorn squash and carnival pumpkins to try. Apparently these little pumpkins taste like sweet potatoes when baked so I was sold on trying them. I'll take some pictures and let you know how they turn out.
Diet wise I stayed in the challenge goals. I ate a little more than usual yesterday since I came home to fresh and warm from the oven pumpkin bread. (Have i told you lately how much I LOVE my nanny?) I had a slice for snack. Still my calories were at my goal of 1375. I drank about 96 ounces of water. I did a lot of walking with the kiddos. And over all it was a good day.
Breakfast: Yogurt, egg, oatmeal muffin: 302 cal
Snack: apple=70 cal
Lunch: Turkey pastrami in a flat wrap with lettuce, string cheese and mustard and an apple: 317 cal
Snack: Pumpkin bread=320 cal
Dinner: Salad and 3 ounces of steak left over=289cal
Snack=8 wheat thin crackers
Last night we went to my son's last home game and they WON! Yeah. Finally. Poor kids. They've come so close several times, but this is the first win. The majority of kids on the team have never played before and it took a while for everyone to "get it". My son was so proud. Daddy took him to Braums's for ice cream. I didn't go since I had to get the girls home and ready for bed AND the tiny detail of me eating my weight in Braum's ice cream when I am overly happy and tired. No go on the Braum's. Even though my husband called and asked if I wanted anything. "No. Thanks, hon for asking." Get used to saying it. It really works.
Well, I'm off to work. First game World Series and I bought a NLCS CHAMPS shirt today so I'll wear it tomorrow instead of the plain Rangers I'm wearing today. SO cool that I don't have to worry so much about finding my size anymore as everywhere generally has the regular XL. Yeah me!
I'm pretty high right now from my inhalers, so I've got the shakes. I better stop typing and get to work. Have a great day everyone!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tuesday. " You'll Put Your Eye Out, Ralphie"
CHALLENGE RULES
- YOUR DAILY CALORIC INTAKE IS YOUR GOAL WEIGHT X 11
- EVERYTHING YOU INGEST COUNTS AND NEEDS TO BE RECORDED
- YOU DRINK 64 OUNCES OF WATER DAILY
- NO CHEATING AND NO BULLSHIT
- 2 WEEKS, STARTING 10/25/2010
- WEIGH IN MONDAY MORNING AND WEIGH IN 11/8/2010
The other thing it has forced me to do is think about my goal weight. This has been something I haven't really determined, but I did some math (thanks a lot, Allan. I hate math.) I looked at my BMI and I have set my goal weight for 125. That number seems absolutely crazy as I probably haven't weighed that since 6th grade. But, the calories for that weight are 1375 which sounds easy peasy. So that's what I picked.
I didn't cheat. I may have participated in bullshit around the office and such, but not about my diet. Bullshitting is part of who I am and I don't think I want to stop or could if I wanted to. BUT, as far as the diet goes I am walking the line.
Here's my food for yesterday:
Breakfast: Jimmy Dean light sandwich and coffee, 309 cal
Snack: Orange, 70 cal
Lunch: Tuna salad sandwich, grapes, 1/2 serving of pop chips= 375 cal
Snack: apple 95 cal
Dinner: 1cup spaghetti, marinara and 1 meatball: 375 cal
Snack: 1.5 cups grapes: 90 cal
Total: 1313cal
Water: 92 ounces
Today I am going on a field trip with my daughter's first grade. I have packed a turkey pastrami wrap and some fruit. I have a bottle of water to take with us. We should do a ton of walking today. We're going to a pumpkin patch and farm. I did this trip with my son 6 years ago when he was in first grade and it was a lot of fun.
Yesterday I did not exercise as I had planned as I had a terrible migraine all day. I came home at lunch and slept for 30 min in my dark bedroom. I felt better and was able to make it through my day.
The Cowboys game did not help with the migraine and I ended up giving up and going to bed early. I didn't even finish watching all of the travesty. I am pretty sure that Jerry Jones has done something to piss off the devil as I am sure he had a deal and maybe they are re-negotiating. That was just awful! I don't know why the hell they didn't do something about that offensive line in the off season. Pretty sure that there are so many holes that somebody better do something before next season. We take our football seriously around here. It would be a shame to have that pretty new stadium burned down in angry fan riots. I hate the Giants. Eli can suck it, child that he is. I can not believe Romo broke his clavicle. This is a nightmare. Sooo this week both my pro and college teams lost. Ugh.
Tomorrow the World Series starts so there is hope. I am going to find a shirt today for the series. The whole town is buzzing and Ranger crazy. I've never seen anything like it. Everywhere you go they are talking about baseball and the Rangers and the Series. It is strange as usually they are a non-issue this time of year.
And now I'm off the wake the children....have a good day. BTW, I love little pug dogs. If or when I get another dog, it will be a pug.
What are your plans for the day? Are you doing Allan's challenge?
Monday, October 25, 2010
Monday and I kicked Weekend's Butt.
I am super tired this morning and I'm not sure why. I really didn't want to get up today. But, here I am at work and hard at it. Ha ha. As I catch up on blogs and comments and such.
The weekend ended nicely and I am still amazed at how differently I eat now. Yesterday I made steak, salad and baked potato for dinner. I measured out about 4 oz of steak. It was juicy and tasty. But, I ate about half and felt like I might explode. I ate 1/2 the potato. And I ate a good portion of salad. The salad was lovely with mixed greens, sweet orange and red bell peppers, yellow tomatoes, red onion, pear and cranberry goat cheese. Last night we fed our family of 5 on 2 good sized rib eye steaks. A year ago, I could have eaten a whole one by myself. Last night I ate about 2-2.5 ounces of meat and woke up this morning still full.
The weekend and potential pitfalls did not get me off track. I have to say I have gotten this weekend thing figured out. I'm going to give you the secret now. Please pay attention. If you want to know how to lose weight over the weekend like I did this week (a whole pound), this is how you do it. Ready? Are you ready for the secret? Here it is:
THERE IS NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT WEEKENDS.
There you go. I've figured it out. I went to 2 different socials this weekend. Both of them offered opportunity for extreme eating. Hot dogs, cupcakes, cotton candy, popcorn, cakes, brownie, cookies, ice cream, alcohol. All of it was available. All of it was FREE. And I ate none. Well...I confess I ate 1/2 of a chocolate chip cookie and 1 Mikes Hard Lemonade Light.
Here's the deal. Stop lying to yourself. You can have fun without food. You can be social without food or alcohol. You can relax without a bag of chips in your lap. You can laugh and yell at the TV when the big game is on without the hot wings. You have to realize that your body burns the same amount of calories Monday-Friday as it does on the weekend. Why do we fool ourselves into believing that "a little splurge" is no big deal? The truth is my BIG FAT FAT LIFE, is one "little splurge" after another.
I was never one of those fat people that ate that badly. I love veggies and salads and fruits. They've always been a part of my life. But, I am an emotional eater. That means that I reward myself for making it through the week with eating Pizza, Hamburgers, Desserts, Snacks and whatever the hell else happened to be handy on the weekends. I am also a closet eater at times. I didn't want people at work see me eating that crap. So I would "be good" all week only to allow myself to "splurge a little" when I had. And how did that work out for me? GREAT if my goal was to maintain. I stayed around the same weight for the last 15 years. 240-260 pounds.
The truth is that being healthy cannot be the punishment and those weekend splurges the reward for living healthy through the week. It just doesn't work. You have to either eat right or not. Realize that these splurges are doing your brain no favors. They train your brain to crave them. They train your brain to expect them. They make getting through the days you plan to be "good" harder. They just do.
Now, it doesn't mean that there aren't times I plan to eat a little more. I might plan to eat something special for a SPECIAL occasion. But, that is a rare thing. The weekends are not special enough to me to risk my progress. The truth is I have to ask myself, "Is this splurge worth my life?" Is having a piece of cake at my kids birthday party important enough to risk putting me off my track to healthy? Wouldn't my kid rather have a healthy Mommy around to see them grow up MORE than eating a piece of their cake? Wouldn't I rather have weight loss and health than that pizza?
When I first started down this road, I was not doing great on the weekends. I was eating whatever. What I figured out from tracking my food and weighing is that I would lose weight all week, gain over the weekend and spend the next week losing those same 1-2 pounds. I was getting no where. If you are letting yourself splurge 1-2 days a week, that is most likely what is happening to you. I also figured out that I began to expect to eat crap on the weekends. I fell back into my mindless eating where I see food, shove it in my mouth before I thought about if I was hungry and before I thought about how many calories I'd had already that day. And pretty soon, those weekend splurges started Friday evening. So I was really splurging 3 days out of 7.
And now that I've come to this realization, I know that there is no reason why I can't get through ANY occassion, ANY stress ANY holiday and still eat well. Name me one reason OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT I DON'T WANT TO, that I can't. There is ALWAYS a choice. At Halloween, I can say no to candy. I can eat an apple with fat free caramel for a treat instead. At Thanksgiving there is turkey and veggies. What's healthier than that? Plus I can make my sugar free fruit pie that has only 175 calories a slice. At Christmas, I can SKIP making the candy. I can eat the ham and make sweet potatoes baked with a little Splenda brown sugar and cinamon instead of the sugary creamy mess we usualy make.
The only thing that keeps me from making healthy choices is ME. It is me choosing that I don't want to eat healthy at that minute. That is fine if I'm OK with gaining a little weight and dealing with the consequences of craving bad foods again for a time after. Fact is I'm to the point that none of that is OK with me. I realize that the attitude of "I don't care right now. I'm going to eat what I want and enjoy it" has stood in my way for sooo long. The fact is that I HAVE to care and I HAVE to find a way to eat healthy AND enjoy it. Doing that is the key to long term success.
What about you? How are you handling your weekends? Are you still caught up in the cycle of lose, splurge, lose, splurge and cycling those same 2 pounds on and off every week? There are a LOT of occasions coming. Have you decided if they are worth a setback in your weight? Do you really want to start this year with yet another resolution to lose those 10-15 pounds you gained over the holiday? Is JUST maintaining OK with you for the Holidays?
Because it damn sure isn't for me. I am determined to start this next year at a lower weight than ever before. I am going to be free to think about something other than weight at resolution time this year because I know I'm already on track and losing. I am determined to get through this holiday madness knowing I've LOST weight and prove to myself that I AM NEVER GOING BACK to my old ways.
I am going to finally stop rewarding myself with food. Living a healthy life IS THE REWARD. I think I have finally got it. Have you???
The weekend ended nicely and I am still amazed at how differently I eat now. Yesterday I made steak, salad and baked potato for dinner. I measured out about 4 oz of steak. It was juicy and tasty. But, I ate about half and felt like I might explode. I ate 1/2 the potato. And I ate a good portion of salad. The salad was lovely with mixed greens, sweet orange and red bell peppers, yellow tomatoes, red onion, pear and cranberry goat cheese. Last night we fed our family of 5 on 2 good sized rib eye steaks. A year ago, I could have eaten a whole one by myself. Last night I ate about 2-2.5 ounces of meat and woke up this morning still full.
The weekend and potential pitfalls did not get me off track. I have to say I have gotten this weekend thing figured out. I'm going to give you the secret now. Please pay attention. If you want to know how to lose weight over the weekend like I did this week (a whole pound), this is how you do it. Ready? Are you ready for the secret? Here it is:
THERE IS NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT WEEKENDS.
There you go. I've figured it out. I went to 2 different socials this weekend. Both of them offered opportunity for extreme eating. Hot dogs, cupcakes, cotton candy, popcorn, cakes, brownie, cookies, ice cream, alcohol. All of it was available. All of it was FREE. And I ate none. Well...I confess I ate 1/2 of a chocolate chip cookie and 1 Mikes Hard Lemonade Light.
Here's the deal. Stop lying to yourself. You can have fun without food. You can be social without food or alcohol. You can relax without a bag of chips in your lap. You can laugh and yell at the TV when the big game is on without the hot wings. You have to realize that your body burns the same amount of calories Monday-Friday as it does on the weekend. Why do we fool ourselves into believing that "a little splurge" is no big deal? The truth is my BIG FAT FAT LIFE, is one "little splurge" after another.
I was never one of those fat people that ate that badly. I love veggies and salads and fruits. They've always been a part of my life. But, I am an emotional eater. That means that I reward myself for making it through the week with eating Pizza, Hamburgers, Desserts, Snacks and whatever the hell else happened to be handy on the weekends. I am also a closet eater at times. I didn't want people at work see me eating that crap. So I would "be good" all week only to allow myself to "splurge a little" when I had. And how did that work out for me? GREAT if my goal was to maintain. I stayed around the same weight for the last 15 years. 240-260 pounds.
The truth is that being healthy cannot be the punishment and those weekend splurges the reward for living healthy through the week. It just doesn't work. You have to either eat right or not. Realize that these splurges are doing your brain no favors. They train your brain to crave them. They train your brain to expect them. They make getting through the days you plan to be "good" harder. They just do.
Now, it doesn't mean that there aren't times I plan to eat a little more. I might plan to eat something special for a SPECIAL occasion. But, that is a rare thing. The weekends are not special enough to me to risk my progress. The truth is I have to ask myself, "Is this splurge worth my life?" Is having a piece of cake at my kids birthday party important enough to risk putting me off my track to healthy? Wouldn't my kid rather have a healthy Mommy around to see them grow up MORE than eating a piece of their cake? Wouldn't I rather have weight loss and health than that pizza?
When I first started down this road, I was not doing great on the weekends. I was eating whatever. What I figured out from tracking my food and weighing is that I would lose weight all week, gain over the weekend and spend the next week losing those same 1-2 pounds. I was getting no where. If you are letting yourself splurge 1-2 days a week, that is most likely what is happening to you. I also figured out that I began to expect to eat crap on the weekends. I fell back into my mindless eating where I see food, shove it in my mouth before I thought about if I was hungry and before I thought about how many calories I'd had already that day. And pretty soon, those weekend splurges started Friday evening. So I was really splurging 3 days out of 7.
And now that I've come to this realization, I know that there is no reason why I can't get through ANY occassion, ANY stress ANY holiday and still eat well. Name me one reason OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT I DON'T WANT TO, that I can't. There is ALWAYS a choice. At Halloween, I can say no to candy. I can eat an apple with fat free caramel for a treat instead. At Thanksgiving there is turkey and veggies. What's healthier than that? Plus I can make my sugar free fruit pie that has only 175 calories a slice. At Christmas, I can SKIP making the candy. I can eat the ham and make sweet potatoes baked with a little Splenda brown sugar and cinamon instead of the sugary creamy mess we usualy make.
The only thing that keeps me from making healthy choices is ME. It is me choosing that I don't want to eat healthy at that minute. That is fine if I'm OK with gaining a little weight and dealing with the consequences of craving bad foods again for a time after. Fact is I'm to the point that none of that is OK with me. I realize that the attitude of "I don't care right now. I'm going to eat what I want and enjoy it" has stood in my way for sooo long. The fact is that I HAVE to care and I HAVE to find a way to eat healthy AND enjoy it. Doing that is the key to long term success.
What about you? How are you handling your weekends? Are you still caught up in the cycle of lose, splurge, lose, splurge and cycling those same 2 pounds on and off every week? There are a LOT of occasions coming. Have you decided if they are worth a setback in your weight? Do you really want to start this year with yet another resolution to lose those 10-15 pounds you gained over the holiday? Is JUST maintaining OK with you for the Holidays?
Because it damn sure isn't for me. I am determined to start this next year at a lower weight than ever before. I am going to be free to think about something other than weight at resolution time this year because I know I'm already on track and losing. I am determined to get through this holiday madness knowing I've LOST weight and prove to myself that I AM NEVER GOING BACK to my old ways.
I am going to finally stop rewarding myself with food. Living a healthy life IS THE REWARD. I think I have finally got it. Have you???
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Sunday afternoon.
Luckily no tornadoes yesterday. The sirens went off, but it was not too near us, luckily. The girls both know how to tell where the bad spots are on the radar. They are so funny saying, "it's only yellow and a little red mommy, don't worry. No tormadoes." Tormadoes is how they say it.
Last night was fun. We met some of our neighbors. I escaped with only a very small bowl of chili and 1/2 a chocolate chip cookie. I had a few grapes for dessert. Everyone liked my whole wheat brownies. I have to admit they were tasty. We watched "How to Train Your Dragon". If you haven't seen this, you should it is very cute and funny.
We made it home by half time in the OU game. Shoulda stayed at the party because it was an awful excuse for a football game. This is why I wanted to wait a few weeks to be ranked#1. Just a huge bummer.
Cowboys don't play until Monday. I don't have a very good feeling about playing the Giants. Today there are a few games on and I'll watch a bit of ball. I look forward to the Vikings vs Green Bay.
Earlier today we watched "The Express" which is the story of Ernie Davis, the first black athlete to win the Heisman. It was a really good movie, but sad. It's so painful to realize that the movie took place less than 50 years ago and the racism he dealt with and other black athletes dealt with was so rampant. I just do not understand the mindset of treating another human being so badly just because of the color of their skin. It is sickening. I am so glad that I was raised by a mother that taught me that color doesn't matter. She introduced me to diversity at an early age and it never entered my mind that the color of a person's skin should determine how you treat them.
It is disgusting to me that racism is still rampant although maybe less direct. I am sad to say that there are racists in my own family. During the last election I had to tell some of them to stop sending me offensive emails. Disagree with his politics if you'd like, but do not include me in your racist jokes.
I use movies like these to teach my children about how things were in our country and how wrong some people's beliefs are. It is important to teach your children the right way to treat people. They have to understand all parts of our history, not just what they teach in school. And, we as parents teach by example. Our children watch everything we do. They pick up on nuances in our tone or body language. If you have racist beliefs, you don't have to say them out loud for them to learn them. I was proud last week that when my daughter told me about her new friend named Jayden. She described her as funny with long hair. It didn't occur to her to describe her as black and that made me really glad.
Sometimes my nearly 13 year old comes home and tells me jokes I think are rude and racist. He hears them from his friends. I stop and take the time to explain why these things are wrong. Sometimes people think that if they mean it as a joke, it's no big deal. Living in the south, you hear a lot of "that's just how I was raised" as an excuse. It is despicable.
The courage of those that led the way in the Civil Rights movement is beyond me. Some of them risked everything including their lives to change things. They saw the injustice and stood up for what was right. It amazes me and makes me question myself. Could I have done that? Would I have done the same? Standing up for what is right is hard.
I try to remind myself that you don't have to go on a march to make a difference. Being a good person, treating people fairly, teaching your children how to be fair minded. Those things are so important in breaking the cycle of racism.
And if you think that discrimination is over, I think you are fooling yourself. It is more hidden now and luckily is becoming less. But it is out there. And not just on the basis of race. I think discrimination is wrong. All kinds including race, age, sexual orientation and religious beliefs. Mankind has used these things to destroy each other forever. When will we learn?
And I ask myself, how can I make it better? Then I see my kids. Playing with kids of all colors, all religions, handicaps. They smile, they laugh. They do not shun people different from themselves. And I realize, I already have made it better.
Last night was fun. We met some of our neighbors. I escaped with only a very small bowl of chili and 1/2 a chocolate chip cookie. I had a few grapes for dessert. Everyone liked my whole wheat brownies. I have to admit they were tasty. We watched "How to Train Your Dragon". If you haven't seen this, you should it is very cute and funny.
We made it home by half time in the OU game. Shoulda stayed at the party because it was an awful excuse for a football game. This is why I wanted to wait a few weeks to be ranked#1. Just a huge bummer.
Cowboys don't play until Monday. I don't have a very good feeling about playing the Giants. Today there are a few games on and I'll watch a bit of ball. I look forward to the Vikings vs Green Bay.
Earlier today we watched "The Express" which is the story of Ernie Davis, the first black athlete to win the Heisman. It was a really good movie, but sad. It's so painful to realize that the movie took place less than 50 years ago and the racism he dealt with and other black athletes dealt with was so rampant. I just do not understand the mindset of treating another human being so badly just because of the color of their skin. It is sickening. I am so glad that I was raised by a mother that taught me that color doesn't matter. She introduced me to diversity at an early age and it never entered my mind that the color of a person's skin should determine how you treat them.
It is disgusting to me that racism is still rampant although maybe less direct. I am sad to say that there are racists in my own family. During the last election I had to tell some of them to stop sending me offensive emails. Disagree with his politics if you'd like, but do not include me in your racist jokes.
I use movies like these to teach my children about how things were in our country and how wrong some people's beliefs are. It is important to teach your children the right way to treat people. They have to understand all parts of our history, not just what they teach in school. And, we as parents teach by example. Our children watch everything we do. They pick up on nuances in our tone or body language. If you have racist beliefs, you don't have to say them out loud for them to learn them. I was proud last week that when my daughter told me about her new friend named Jayden. She described her as funny with long hair. It didn't occur to her to describe her as black and that made me really glad.
Sometimes my nearly 13 year old comes home and tells me jokes I think are rude and racist. He hears them from his friends. I stop and take the time to explain why these things are wrong. Sometimes people think that if they mean it as a joke, it's no big deal. Living in the south, you hear a lot of "that's just how I was raised" as an excuse. It is despicable.
The courage of those that led the way in the Civil Rights movement is beyond me. Some of them risked everything including their lives to change things. They saw the injustice and stood up for what was right. It amazes me and makes me question myself. Could I have done that? Would I have done the same? Standing up for what is right is hard.
I try to remind myself that you don't have to go on a march to make a difference. Being a good person, treating people fairly, teaching your children how to be fair minded. Those things are so important in breaking the cycle of racism.
And if you think that discrimination is over, I think you are fooling yourself. It is more hidden now and luckily is becoming less. But it is out there. And not just on the basis of race. I think discrimination is wrong. All kinds including race, age, sexual orientation and religious beliefs. Mankind has used these things to destroy each other forever. When will we learn?
And I ask myself, how can I make it better? Then I see my kids. Playing with kids of all colors, all religions, handicaps. They smile, they laugh. They do not shun people different from themselves. And I realize, I already have made it better.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Rangers WON!
I'm Sooooo happy for the Rangers! First trip to the World Series and now I finally have a reason to take interest in baseball. Saturdays are all about sports for us today. This morning we went downtown to see the high school homecoming parade. My son's troop was the color guard so he was right in front and he was so excited. The girls thought it was too cool to see brother in a parade.
After the parade we made a trip to Sam's. That place is dangerous on weekends. I'm proud to say we left there without any free samples. I am amazed at the selection of candy everywhere. Geez! I didn't buy any because it is another week to Halloween and I'm pretty sure they won't run out. I bought healthy stuff-grapes, yogurt, apples, salad, raspberries and sugar pears. These tiny yummy pears only come in season this time of year and the kids and I LOVE them.
At lunch today I made a tuna salad. It tasted really good as I haven't had it in a long time. I had some watermelon also. Believe it or not our plants are still producing. I can't believe it. I went out this morning and saw THREE more litlte baby watermelon. I hope they continue to grow and ripen before the first frost. Of course here in Texas that could be 2-3 months from now. It's pouring rain here so I didn't get to do the outdoor work I needed to get done. Still have to winterize the pool, do some weeding and mulching before winter.
I had yet another complication to exercise. I wore some new shoes and got a HUGE blister on my pinky toe. I think it got a little infected then because it is swollen up and red. I couldn't get any shoes on except flip flops this morning. I tried bandaids and 2 pairs of socks and I couldn't get my sneakers on. So, no running today for sure. Sigh.
Last night was the school carnival. Got out of there with no food. My daughter won a cake walk and came home with cupcakes, but haven't touched 'em and the kids are eating them. The girls had so much fun at the petting zoo holding baby ducks, chicks, bunnies and petting the little baby lambs. I didn't have the heart to tell them these things are food. Ha ha.
Tonight we have the neighborhood party and I've got my low fat no sugar brownies ready.They look yummy. Dinner tonight will be chili at the party. I'll be eating a healthy snack before I go to minimize my hunger and therefore my temptations.
Right now I'm watching Texas lose to Iowa State. Nebraska plays Oklahoma State. I think they'll win that one. Then Auburn vs LSU. It's painful to cheer for LSU, but we need Auburn to lose. Then our OU game is tonight at 6pm. We play in Missouri and hopefully we'll win.
I'm going to catch up on work now. I have to take the boy to an Orchestra Spook House at his school. His best buddy is in orchestra. The girls are prancing around in their new Halloween costumes that came in the mail today. Kids are funny.
Hope you all have a great weekend. Uh oh. Tornado sirens. I better check the radar...
After the parade we made a trip to Sam's. That place is dangerous on weekends. I'm proud to say we left there without any free samples. I am amazed at the selection of candy everywhere. Geez! I didn't buy any because it is another week to Halloween and I'm pretty sure they won't run out. I bought healthy stuff-grapes, yogurt, apples, salad, raspberries and sugar pears. These tiny yummy pears only come in season this time of year and the kids and I LOVE them.
At lunch today I made a tuna salad. It tasted really good as I haven't had it in a long time. I had some watermelon also. Believe it or not our plants are still producing. I can't believe it. I went out this morning and saw THREE more litlte baby watermelon. I hope they continue to grow and ripen before the first frost. Of course here in Texas that could be 2-3 months from now. It's pouring rain here so I didn't get to do the outdoor work I needed to get done. Still have to winterize the pool, do some weeding and mulching before winter.
I had yet another complication to exercise. I wore some new shoes and got a HUGE blister on my pinky toe. I think it got a little infected then because it is swollen up and red. I couldn't get any shoes on except flip flops this morning. I tried bandaids and 2 pairs of socks and I couldn't get my sneakers on. So, no running today for sure. Sigh.
Last night was the school carnival. Got out of there with no food. My daughter won a cake walk and came home with cupcakes, but haven't touched 'em and the kids are eating them. The girls had so much fun at the petting zoo holding baby ducks, chicks, bunnies and petting the little baby lambs. I didn't have the heart to tell them these things are food. Ha ha.
Tonight we have the neighborhood party and I've got my low fat no sugar brownies ready.They look yummy. Dinner tonight will be chili at the party. I'll be eating a healthy snack before I go to minimize my hunger and therefore my temptations.
Right now I'm watching Texas lose to Iowa State. Nebraska plays Oklahoma State. I think they'll win that one. Then Auburn vs LSU. It's painful to cheer for LSU, but we need Auburn to lose. Then our OU game is tonight at 6pm. We play in Missouri and hopefully we'll win.
I'm going to catch up on work now. I have to take the boy to an Orchestra Spook House at his school. His best buddy is in orchestra. The girls are prancing around in their new Halloween costumes that came in the mail today. Kids are funny.
Hope you all have a great weekend. Uh oh. Tornado sirens. I better check the radar...
Friday, October 22, 2010
Man vs Food AND Hot 100 update
Here we are Friday and things are really looking up for me. I have little to no tenderness in my incisions now. I have one little spot at my belly button that is a little red, but I haven't had soreness on the inside of my abdomen in almost a week. Yah!
Food wise things are still going well. I had low fat no sugar banana bread for breakfast yesterday and a cup of fresh pineapple. I had the low fat ice cream at lunch. For dinner I had salmon, rice and cauliflower. Total yesterday was 1200 cals. For some reason I've been having trouble getting my water in this week and I can tell as my lips and skin are dry. I've just been busy and I got out of my routine with the water when I was feeling bad. That's a place to work on the next few days (gulp, gulp). Still no exercise, but I really feel like I'm about ready. It's hard to make myself wait. But, I'm doing it because I don't want to strain myself.
My Hot 100 Update:
Goals:
1. Be at 199 lbs or less- This morning I weighed 209.4 and that is back to my pre-surgery weight. Great news for me especially at this time of the month. I now have around 10 pounds to that goal and I feel like it is doable. My brain has no concept of what it feels like to be that small, but I can't wait to remind it!
2. Run or run/walk a 5K-On hold for now, post surgery. But, I will start walking this weekend and back to exercise. I will try running if walking isn't painful and I'm on track to make that goal for the challenge. I am registered for one on Nov14th and I have no qualms about my ability to at least walk it.
3. Yellow belt in TKD- Again on hold. Hopefully back to class next week.
4. Size 12 jeans- wore the size 14 with room yesterday. I don't know if it's doable right now, but once I'm back to weight training the inches seem to fly off. I'm doing my best anyway.
Last night my husband and I were watching the Travel Channel's Man vs. Food. Have you seen this show? It's basically a guy going around all over the country and taking various food challenges like eating a 128oz steak or 4 pound burrito. We've watched this off and on just for fun for a long time. It's interesting to see different food styles around the country. But, what really shocked me last night is how I felt when I was watching it last night.
Adam, the guy on the show was at a barbecue place eating a HUGE steak. They were grilling it on the fire and dowsing it in butter. In the past, I would've been drooling, but now it just looked gross. So big and greasy and such an unhealthy meal. Then he was at another place eating a GIANT 4 pound burrito with brisket and beans and slaw inside. He had to eat that thing in an hour with a 1/2 pound of mac-n-cheese AND 1/2 pound of banana pudding. If he finished in an hour, it was free. OMG! It was soooo gross looking. AND he did it. All I kept thinking was "How many calories IS that?" At not one point while we were watching that show did I think that I wanted any of that unhealthy food. I just had no desire to EVER eat that. I guess my brain really is changing.
BTW is it an NSV that my butt is bony? I sat on those aluminum bleachers for 1.5hr on Tuesday at my son's game and I kept thinking, MAN this bench is uncomfortable. The bottom of my booty is still sore and I think it's maybe because my butt is not as padded? I've never noticed it before.
Anyway.....wishing you all a great weekend and looking forward to reading all your Hot 100 updates today.
Food wise things are still going well. I had low fat no sugar banana bread for breakfast yesterday and a cup of fresh pineapple. I had the low fat ice cream at lunch. For dinner I had salmon, rice and cauliflower. Total yesterday was 1200 cals. For some reason I've been having trouble getting my water in this week and I can tell as my lips and skin are dry. I've just been busy and I got out of my routine with the water when I was feeling bad. That's a place to work on the next few days (gulp, gulp). Still no exercise, but I really feel like I'm about ready. It's hard to make myself wait. But, I'm doing it because I don't want to strain myself.
My Hot 100 Update:
Goals:
1. Be at 199 lbs or less- This morning I weighed 209.4 and that is back to my pre-surgery weight. Great news for me especially at this time of the month. I now have around 10 pounds to that goal and I feel like it is doable. My brain has no concept of what it feels like to be that small, but I can't wait to remind it!
2. Run or run/walk a 5K-On hold for now, post surgery. But, I will start walking this weekend and back to exercise. I will try running if walking isn't painful and I'm on track to make that goal for the challenge. I am registered for one on Nov14th and I have no qualms about my ability to at least walk it.
3. Yellow belt in TKD- Again on hold. Hopefully back to class next week.
4. Size 12 jeans- wore the size 14 with room yesterday. I don't know if it's doable right now, but once I'm back to weight training the inches seem to fly off. I'm doing my best anyway.
Last night my husband and I were watching the Travel Channel's Man vs. Food. Have you seen this show? It's basically a guy going around all over the country and taking various food challenges like eating a 128oz steak or 4 pound burrito. We've watched this off and on just for fun for a long time. It's interesting to see different food styles around the country. But, what really shocked me last night is how I felt when I was watching it last night.
Adam, the guy on the show was at a barbecue place eating a HUGE steak. They were grilling it on the fire and dowsing it in butter. In the past, I would've been drooling, but now it just looked gross. So big and greasy and such an unhealthy meal. Then he was at another place eating a GIANT 4 pound burrito with brisket and beans and slaw inside. He had to eat that thing in an hour with a 1/2 pound of mac-n-cheese AND 1/2 pound of banana pudding. If he finished in an hour, it was free. OMG! It was soooo gross looking. AND he did it. All I kept thinking was "How many calories IS that?" At not one point while we were watching that show did I think that I wanted any of that unhealthy food. I just had no desire to EVER eat that. I guess my brain really is changing.
BTW is it an NSV that my butt is bony? I sat on those aluminum bleachers for 1.5hr on Tuesday at my son's game and I kept thinking, MAN this bench is uncomfortable. The bottom of my booty is still sore and I think it's maybe because my butt is not as padded? I've never noticed it before.
Anyway.....wishing you all a great weekend and looking forward to reading all your Hot 100 updates today.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Thursday. Randomness.
TERRIBLE migraine today. Had it since yesterday evening. I had a long long long board meeting last night. Didn't get home until 10pm. Other than the headache I feel really good.
My food has been great. Yesterday I was around 1000cal. I'm still holding off on the exercise, but I do plan to start again this weekend. I don't know where I'll start, but being off for the last 6 weeks is going to make it hard to get back to it. I have to be careful about getting discouraged. In the past when I've gone for long periods of not exercising I've gotten discouraged about the amount of decline in my fitness level. This has led to my giving up in the past. Also I have to be careful not to go too fast which could lead to my being overly sore or hurting myself and then I'll REALLY be upset if I have to quit again for a while.
I'll likely start with the stationary bike and walking. I hope to work back pretty quickly. I have no idea what to do about the C25K. I figure I'll try walking and some intervals of running and see how I feel. I was nearly done with the program before I got sick. I may just do it over with the idea that it would improve my times. I won't know until I try.
Man, I'm cold all the time. Is anyone else experiencing that? Today I am FREEZING and I have on a long sleeved shirt. My nose is cold and my hands are like ice. I used to just sweat all the time and I was never cold. I used to be hot most of the time, but I am definitely changing.
Of course it may be the low fat ice cream I had for lunch. Sometimes when I have a migraine, cold stuff helps. I don't know why. But in lieu of food, I had the ice cream, 225 cals. Not the best choice, but hey, it's a dairy, right? And that's all I wanted.
I am wearing my size 14 jeans today and they are comfy. It feels really good. but, I keep looking at myself and thinking, "Am I REALLY a size 14?" I mean that is down from a 22-24 last year at this time. I look in the mirror and I still see huge hips. My legs are definitely smaller. Even I can see that my legs, especially my lower thighs, above the knee are shrinking. It's like my brain knows I'm smaller,but my eyes don't see it.
My wedding rings are getting really big. It won't be long and I'll need to either get them sized or stop wearing them. At my son's football game Tuesday. They almost flew right off when I was clapping. Guess I need a new one. Have to tell hubbie either I need an upgrade, or I'll have to quit wearing it. Ha ha. And speaking of the boy- his broken arm is healed. We had the Xray. He's out of the brace except for football. Thank goodness. That thing was getting stinky, even with washing it.
I'm wondering how all of you choose which blogs to follow. I have a long list. I like that because not everybody stays active. With a long list, I usually have some people to read. There are some I absolutely MUST read and others I just don't connect with much. Others still I am finding I really don't agree with most of what they write or they are just plain downers. I know we should be encouraging to our fellow bloggers and I certainly do that. But, when do you say that's enough. When do you decide it is affecting your attitude? I don't know about you all, but when I read about one person having a splurge here and another there, It really gets my bad side going. You know the old, "All my friends are doing it, why can't I?"
I certainly appreciate all my followers. I still find it hard to believe that this many people care what I have to say. Some days it just amazes me the support I get from all of you. If only I'd known that all that was just waiting for me earlier.
Looking toward the weekend. I have a few social obligations this weekend. I'm sure it will be a busy one, but then when is it not busy in my life? Friday night we have a carnival at my daughter's school. These things are always crowded, loud and annoying, but something you have to do for your kids. So we'll go for a while and then leave. I usually don't get too tempted at these things because of the crowds and noise and the fact that the lines are long. So, I'm not worried about temptations there.
Saturday night we have a neighborhood chili supper. We're supposed to bring adult drinks and a dessert to share. I'm bringing my whole wheat low cal brownies. That way I know I'll have something I can eat. These taste so good they don't really taste diet at all. As far as the chili and such goes, I'll eat a healthy snack before I go and drink a big glass of water. That way if they don't have anything that I can safely eat, I won't be hungry and I'll eat when I get home. We'll be watching "How to Train Your Dragon" outside on the big movie screen, so the kids will have fun.
Only 2 glitches. First, Friday night is game 6 of the Rangers series. A MUST see. Of course they lost last night, but hey, it is the Yankees we're playing. We only need one more win and we're in the series. I feel good about it. The whole office is wearing Rangers gear tomorrow. Should be fun.
Second, OU game is Saturday night and it's an evening game. Sigh. We play Missouri, but I think we'll win. Good thing we'll have TIVO. If it weren't for the movie, we could go, mingle and leave early. We'll see how it goes. I hate watching a game after I know who won. Maybe we'll be done at the party by half. We have to go this time because the last gathering for the neighborhood we missed to go to a wedding. We've only been in the neighborhood a little over a year and we haven't met everyone yet. Of course, I could always acquire a migraine and send the hubby and kids...............evil, but maybe necessary. A quiet house. Beer. Football. Smile.
Am the only one enjoying apple season? I've been eating all different kinds lately and yum yum yum! This week alone I've had honey crisp, macintosh, cortland, pink lady, granny smith, and fuji. I'm an apple eating fool.
Well, this was a bunch of randomness. I hope everyone is enjoying their day.
My food has been great. Yesterday I was around 1000cal. I'm still holding off on the exercise, but I do plan to start again this weekend. I don't know where I'll start, but being off for the last 6 weeks is going to make it hard to get back to it. I have to be careful about getting discouraged. In the past when I've gone for long periods of not exercising I've gotten discouraged about the amount of decline in my fitness level. This has led to my giving up in the past. Also I have to be careful not to go too fast which could lead to my being overly sore or hurting myself and then I'll REALLY be upset if I have to quit again for a while.
I'll likely start with the stationary bike and walking. I hope to work back pretty quickly. I have no idea what to do about the C25K. I figure I'll try walking and some intervals of running and see how I feel. I was nearly done with the program before I got sick. I may just do it over with the idea that it would improve my times. I won't know until I try.
Man, I'm cold all the time. Is anyone else experiencing that? Today I am FREEZING and I have on a long sleeved shirt. My nose is cold and my hands are like ice. I used to just sweat all the time and I was never cold. I used to be hot most of the time, but I am definitely changing.
Of course it may be the low fat ice cream I had for lunch. Sometimes when I have a migraine, cold stuff helps. I don't know why. But in lieu of food, I had the ice cream, 225 cals. Not the best choice, but hey, it's a dairy, right? And that's all I wanted.
I am wearing my size 14 jeans today and they are comfy. It feels really good. but, I keep looking at myself and thinking, "Am I REALLY a size 14?" I mean that is down from a 22-24 last year at this time. I look in the mirror and I still see huge hips. My legs are definitely smaller. Even I can see that my legs, especially my lower thighs, above the knee are shrinking. It's like my brain knows I'm smaller,but my eyes don't see it.
My wedding rings are getting really big. It won't be long and I'll need to either get them sized or stop wearing them. At my son's football game Tuesday. They almost flew right off when I was clapping. Guess I need a new one. Have to tell hubbie either I need an upgrade, or I'll have to quit wearing it. Ha ha. And speaking of the boy- his broken arm is healed. We had the Xray. He's out of the brace except for football. Thank goodness. That thing was getting stinky, even with washing it.
I'm wondering how all of you choose which blogs to follow. I have a long list. I like that because not everybody stays active. With a long list, I usually have some people to read. There are some I absolutely MUST read and others I just don't connect with much. Others still I am finding I really don't agree with most of what they write or they are just plain downers. I know we should be encouraging to our fellow bloggers and I certainly do that. But, when do you say that's enough. When do you decide it is affecting your attitude? I don't know about you all, but when I read about one person having a splurge here and another there, It really gets my bad side going. You know the old, "All my friends are doing it, why can't I?"
I certainly appreciate all my followers. I still find it hard to believe that this many people care what I have to say. Some days it just amazes me the support I get from all of you. If only I'd known that all that was just waiting for me earlier.
Looking toward the weekend. I have a few social obligations this weekend. I'm sure it will be a busy one, but then when is it not busy in my life? Friday night we have a carnival at my daughter's school. These things are always crowded, loud and annoying, but something you have to do for your kids. So we'll go for a while and then leave. I usually don't get too tempted at these things because of the crowds and noise and the fact that the lines are long. So, I'm not worried about temptations there.
Saturday night we have a neighborhood chili supper. We're supposed to bring adult drinks and a dessert to share. I'm bringing my whole wheat low cal brownies. That way I know I'll have something I can eat. These taste so good they don't really taste diet at all. As far as the chili and such goes, I'll eat a healthy snack before I go and drink a big glass of water. That way if they don't have anything that I can safely eat, I won't be hungry and I'll eat when I get home. We'll be watching "How to Train Your Dragon" outside on the big movie screen, so the kids will have fun.
Only 2 glitches. First, Friday night is game 6 of the Rangers series. A MUST see. Of course they lost last night, but hey, it is the Yankees we're playing. We only need one more win and we're in the series. I feel good about it. The whole office is wearing Rangers gear tomorrow. Should be fun.
Second, OU game is Saturday night and it's an evening game. Sigh. We play Missouri, but I think we'll win. Good thing we'll have TIVO. If it weren't for the movie, we could go, mingle and leave early. We'll see how it goes. I hate watching a game after I know who won. Maybe we'll be done at the party by half. We have to go this time because the last gathering for the neighborhood we missed to go to a wedding. We've only been in the neighborhood a little over a year and we haven't met everyone yet. Of course, I could always acquire a migraine and send the hubby and kids...............evil, but maybe necessary. A quiet house. Beer. Football. Smile.
Am the only one enjoying apple season? I've been eating all different kinds lately and yum yum yum! This week alone I've had honey crisp, macintosh, cortland, pink lady, granny smith, and fuji. I'm an apple eating fool.
Well, this was a bunch of randomness. I hope everyone is enjoying their day.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Wednesday Weigh in. Go Rangers!
Woke up this am and felt good. Except for the itching. That's right I was up last night with terrible itching. Why you ask?? Well, I'll tell you. Tami posted a lovely recipe for Maple Roasted Root Veggies. It has carrots, sweet potato, turnips and parsnips. It looked great and I thought, why not try something new, right. So I got the stuff and added rutabaga since I'd never tried that or parsnips and it is also a root veggie.
So the first bite was yummy. So good. The second, my mouth started to burn and itch. I asked my hubbie, "Is this stuff spicy?" No he said it was sweet and he actually liked it a lot. Then, my throat started to itch, my lips started to swell and I realized, I must be allergic. I took a benedryl and I quit eating. Later I realized that my mouth felt like how it feels when I eat horseradish. I used to think it was SUPER horrible spicy until I realized that it was really just me and I'm allergic. I looked it up on the web and turns out they are related. In the same family and release the same sort of enzymes. So....so much for trying something new and healthy. I'll be making that recipe again, sans parsnips or rutabaga. I LOVE sweet potatoes.
Weigh in this am was 210.4. Down 2 pounds from the official weigh in last week and 1 more pound to pre-surgery weight. I'm pretty happy with a 2 pound loss considering I haven't been able to exercise. I've been eating well, watching my calories. Keeping it to around 1200, not more than 1300 daily.
Today I'm all about baseball and if you knew me well, you'd know that's bizarre. I usually don't like baseball as it is slow. There are too many games. There's WAY too much math. RBI, ERA, PQRS RJSIH? WTF does all that shit mean anyway? An all that spitting and scratching, ugh.
I'm learning to enjoy it. I certainly listen to ESPN enough that I understand the game. I always know what's going on, but I've never really cared before.The games are long and I've never had a team that I really cared about until NOW. GO RANGERS! I am super pysched and I so hope they beat the Yankees in New York and we're on our way to the World Series. Am I a bandwagon fan? I don't think so. I always listen to how they do, check their scores and want them to win. I've never been to a game, but I would if most of them weren't in Texas when it's FREAKIN hot. But, I might actually try to pay more attention now. I will definietly be buying a Championship shirt as soon as they are in stores.
But, football will always be my first love. LOVE it. Don't know how the hell I'm going to keep up with baseball, college football and NFL AND NBA which starts next week, but I'll find a way somehow. I loves me some sports!
I'm feeling better and I plan to start exercise this weekend. Can NOT wait. Until then......eat right and move as much as I can and Sports, sports, sports.
Have you had any weird food incidents? Discovered something new you never thought you'd like? Allergic to anything? Have a great day!
So the first bite was yummy. So good. The second, my mouth started to burn and itch. I asked my hubbie, "Is this stuff spicy?" No he said it was sweet and he actually liked it a lot. Then, my throat started to itch, my lips started to swell and I realized, I must be allergic. I took a benedryl and I quit eating. Later I realized that my mouth felt like how it feels when I eat horseradish. I used to think it was SUPER horrible spicy until I realized that it was really just me and I'm allergic. I looked it up on the web and turns out they are related. In the same family and release the same sort of enzymes. So....so much for trying something new and healthy. I'll be making that recipe again, sans parsnips or rutabaga. I LOVE sweet potatoes.
Weigh in this am was 210.4. Down 2 pounds from the official weigh in last week and 1 more pound to pre-surgery weight. I'm pretty happy with a 2 pound loss considering I haven't been able to exercise. I've been eating well, watching my calories. Keeping it to around 1200, not more than 1300 daily.
Today I'm all about baseball and if you knew me well, you'd know that's bizarre. I usually don't like baseball as it is slow. There are too many games. There's WAY too much math. RBI, ERA, PQRS RJSIH? WTF does all that shit mean anyway? An all that spitting and scratching, ugh.
I'm learning to enjoy it. I certainly listen to ESPN enough that I understand the game. I always know what's going on, but I've never really cared before.The games are long and I've never had a team that I really cared about until NOW. GO RANGERS! I am super pysched and I so hope they beat the Yankees in New York and we're on our way to the World Series. Am I a bandwagon fan? I don't think so. I always listen to how they do, check their scores and want them to win. I've never been to a game, but I would if most of them weren't in Texas when it's FREAKIN hot. But, I might actually try to pay more attention now. I will definietly be buying a Championship shirt as soon as they are in stores.
But, football will always be my first love. LOVE it. Don't know how the hell I'm going to keep up with baseball, college football and NFL AND NBA which starts next week, but I'll find a way somehow. I loves me some sports!
I'm feeling better and I plan to start exercise this weekend. Can NOT wait. Until then......eat right and move as much as I can and Sports, sports, sports.
Have you had any weird food incidents? Discovered something new you never thought you'd like? Allergic to anything? Have a great day!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Tuesday. Wow you people know how to get riled up.
Yesterday was a good day. I ate well. I was under 1300cal. I didn't exercise. I miss it. Wah wah wah...moving on.
There is a hugely controversial subject being talked about today. There is passion on both sides. This gets people so riled up. It is emotional. I deal with this subject every single day. "Medical establishment" vs "natural therapies". It is exhausting for me. That's why I didn't post anything when I read it. It's why I don't post much when I read about other controversial things I read on blogs. Things like people getting their spleen cleansed and such. What therapy you choose is between you and your doctor.
That being said.....
Doctors are not in some collusion to get rich with the government or insurance companies. Doctors are not getting paid by drug companies. We can't even be given pens because someone thinks that my getting a 1.50 ball point pen might influence me. And I am certainly not rich driving a Toyota mini van that is 6 years old. I am paid well and I am grateful. But, then I spent 11years training and I risk loosing it all with one stupid law suit everyday. Are there bad doctors? Yes. Are there good doctors? Of course. Good doctors don't want people to get sick. We are not trying to make people sick so we can get your money. The fact is there is illness in the world and chronic diseases which need treatment. We are doing the best we can with what science we have. We should all be grateful that we live in the era of modern medicine.
And you think these "homeopathic" "doctors" or herbalists or "natural supplement" or vitamin companies or chiropractors or whatever aren't getting rich? I get so tired of people thinking that "those rich doctors" are more about the money than getting people well. There are good and bad people on both sides of this debate.
Cancer is a disease that is multi-factorial, meaning there seems to be many different things that play a role. We do NOT know what causes cancer. We don't. We know there are genetic factors and environmental factors. We know somehow the genes for cancer get turned on in some people and not in others. I did my residency in Omaha, Nebraska at Creighton University and studied under Dr. Lynch who is one of the pioneers in genetic cancer research. He and his team identified the gene for familial colon cancer and helped with the research in identifying the genes for breast and ovarian cancer. Even he will tell you we do not understand why one carrier of the gene develops cancer versus another.
We do know that eating healthy diets lowers the risk for virtually all cancers. We know that avoiding known carcinogens is important. There is some truth to the fact that our food and water supply have contaminants. We DON'T know if that is a cause of cancer or to what degree it might be a factor in cancer. We have to have real science to back things up. Studies done with good technique. As a physician married to someone who works for the EPA, I can tell you we don't know enough yet about MOST environmental contaminants.
Science is about data. Data can be manipulated to look one way, when the truth is another. People can quote statistics and unless you know where that data came from, it may not be reliable. Don't believe something just because it SOUNDS believable.
There are a lot of "natural" things out there that are not healthy. Cyanide is "natural". Just because someone labels a treatment as natural doesn't mean it is better or safer or more effective. It generally means it hasn't been studied or approved by the FDA. That being said...There are probably some good natural therapies out there. Some of these do work. We don't know how much the patient believing they will work plays a role. You can't just give someone a pill and if 3 out of 5 respond say it works. Unless there is a placebo controlled trial, it isn't good science. Until these "natural" therapies are studied as rigorously as traditional therapies, we do not know how safe or effective they are. Some may be harmful.
Are there drugs we use that hurt people? Yes. Medicine is a balance of risks vs. benefits. Every decision we make is made in terms of this. There are a lot of people spending WAY too much money on unstudied stuff. There are too many people taking advantage of patients who want to believe. Most of the time if a patient asks me about a particular therapy, I tell them what we know about it. If I don't think it will hurt the patient, they can try. But there are some things out there that will hurt you that are branded as "natural" and are not.
A perfect example of this is ephedra or Metabolife being the most common brand.. How many of you tried this stuff for weight loss? Sold over the counter as a "natural" weight loss drug. Herbal. Safe. "All Natural". Never studied. These people can put whatever they want in. They don't even have to prove that what they say is in there is true. If they call it a "vitamin" or "natural" that's all it takes. They aren't regulated by the FDA.
Ephedra killed people. Killed them. And not because those people took more than the bottle said. We had young healthy people who died taking this "natural" medicine.
Be smart about your health. Don't believe one thing you read on the internet or in a magazine or in a book. Don't believe one thing you hear from your Chiropractor or "herbalist" or even your doctor. And for goodness sakes, don't get your medical information from snipets on the Today show or TV or Dr. OZ or a movie. They say some good stuff, but it is generalized and may not pertain to you. Educate yourself on all sides when something is recommended. If the therapy is a prescription drug, it has been studied and approved by the FDA. This is not always perfect. But, at least you know SOMEONE did placebo controlled studies.
Make sure you have a good primary care doctor who will talk to you about these things. Someone who doesn't immediately "poo poo" any idea you might have. Someone who will help you decide what treatment is right for you, "natural" or otherwise.
Cancer is now thought of as a long term chronic illness. I have patients who live for years with it. And others who are treated and "cured". And others who are diagnosed and gone too quickly. I have a lot of cancer in my family. I've lost people. The only thing we know for SURE, is that we don't know ENOUGH. I've seen these miracle people where all hope was lost and they just get better. We don't know why these happen. We MUST do more research on cancer. Spending tax dollars on this is absolutely necessary, just like spending money to clean up our environment.
Medicine is not a prefect or exact science, but it is at least SCIENCE.
If you or someone you love is diagnosed with cancer, I would hope that you would weigh ALL your options. Talk to an oncologist. Get the facts from a specialist. Talk to more than one until you find one you are comfortable with. Make sure you understand the science and if you can't, find a physician you trust to explain it to you. Ask all the questions you need to until you are comfortable. Then make a decision about treatment. But, don't avoid traditional medications out of fear or not being educated. Chemo, radiation, surgery- these things do work. Not all the time. Not for everyone. But, thank goodness, we're getting much better at it.
Prevention and early detection are key. Live a healthy life. Eat healthy things. Don't smoke. Drink alcohol only in moderation. Get regular exercise. Stay out of the sun and wear your sunscreen. Do not use tanning beds. Maintain a healthy weight. SEE your doctor regularly. Get an annual exam. They really do work.
I have a 43 yr old young man, just diagnosed with colon cancer. Why? Because he said he had some stomach pain and we didn't write it off. We ran the tests. We got it out. He'll live now.
I have a patient who is now 57. I saw her 10 years ago and did a routine rectal exam which was positive for blood. She had a good sized colon mass. She had absolutely no symptoms Removed, treated. I saw her last week, she just had her first grandchild. Today she is cancer free.
I have a 52 year old patient that was in for a physical about 9 years ago. Normal prostate exam, but his PSA was high on his blood test. He had very aggressive prostate cancer. Treated he is disease free. Some people say not to do those tests because there are too many false positives. I do them because the one we save are worth all the others.
These are just 3 of them. I have so many more stories. Get your screening tests. INCLUDING Mammogram.
There is a hugely controversial subject being talked about today. There is passion on both sides. This gets people so riled up. It is emotional. I deal with this subject every single day. "Medical establishment" vs "natural therapies". It is exhausting for me. That's why I didn't post anything when I read it. It's why I don't post much when I read about other controversial things I read on blogs. Things like people getting their spleen cleansed and such. What therapy you choose is between you and your doctor.
That being said.....
Doctors are not in some collusion to get rich with the government or insurance companies. Doctors are not getting paid by drug companies. We can't even be given pens because someone thinks that my getting a 1.50 ball point pen might influence me. And I am certainly not rich driving a Toyota mini van that is 6 years old. I am paid well and I am grateful. But, then I spent 11years training and I risk loosing it all with one stupid law suit everyday. Are there bad doctors? Yes. Are there good doctors? Of course. Good doctors don't want people to get sick. We are not trying to make people sick so we can get your money. The fact is there is illness in the world and chronic diseases which need treatment. We are doing the best we can with what science we have. We should all be grateful that we live in the era of modern medicine.
And you think these "homeopathic" "doctors" or herbalists or "natural supplement" or vitamin companies or chiropractors or whatever aren't getting rich? I get so tired of people thinking that "those rich doctors" are more about the money than getting people well. There are good and bad people on both sides of this debate.
Cancer is a disease that is multi-factorial, meaning there seems to be many different things that play a role. We do NOT know what causes cancer. We don't. We know there are genetic factors and environmental factors. We know somehow the genes for cancer get turned on in some people and not in others. I did my residency in Omaha, Nebraska at Creighton University and studied under Dr. Lynch who is one of the pioneers in genetic cancer research. He and his team identified the gene for familial colon cancer and helped with the research in identifying the genes for breast and ovarian cancer. Even he will tell you we do not understand why one carrier of the gene develops cancer versus another.
We do know that eating healthy diets lowers the risk for virtually all cancers. We know that avoiding known carcinogens is important. There is some truth to the fact that our food and water supply have contaminants. We DON'T know if that is a cause of cancer or to what degree it might be a factor in cancer. We have to have real science to back things up. Studies done with good technique. As a physician married to someone who works for the EPA, I can tell you we don't know enough yet about MOST environmental contaminants.
Science is about data. Data can be manipulated to look one way, when the truth is another. People can quote statistics and unless you know where that data came from, it may not be reliable. Don't believe something just because it SOUNDS believable.
There are a lot of "natural" things out there that are not healthy. Cyanide is "natural". Just because someone labels a treatment as natural doesn't mean it is better or safer or more effective. It generally means it hasn't been studied or approved by the FDA. That being said...There are probably some good natural therapies out there. Some of these do work. We don't know how much the patient believing they will work plays a role. You can't just give someone a pill and if 3 out of 5 respond say it works. Unless there is a placebo controlled trial, it isn't good science. Until these "natural" therapies are studied as rigorously as traditional therapies, we do not know how safe or effective they are. Some may be harmful.
Are there drugs we use that hurt people? Yes. Medicine is a balance of risks vs. benefits. Every decision we make is made in terms of this. There are a lot of people spending WAY too much money on unstudied stuff. There are too many people taking advantage of patients who want to believe. Most of the time if a patient asks me about a particular therapy, I tell them what we know about it. If I don't think it will hurt the patient, they can try. But there are some things out there that will hurt you that are branded as "natural" and are not.
A perfect example of this is ephedra or Metabolife being the most common brand.. How many of you tried this stuff for weight loss? Sold over the counter as a "natural" weight loss drug. Herbal. Safe. "All Natural". Never studied. These people can put whatever they want in. They don't even have to prove that what they say is in there is true. If they call it a "vitamin" or "natural" that's all it takes. They aren't regulated by the FDA.
Ephedra killed people. Killed them. And not because those people took more than the bottle said. We had young healthy people who died taking this "natural" medicine.
Be smart about your health. Don't believe one thing you read on the internet or in a magazine or in a book. Don't believe one thing you hear from your Chiropractor or "herbalist" or even your doctor. And for goodness sakes, don't get your medical information from snipets on the Today show or TV or Dr. OZ or a movie. They say some good stuff, but it is generalized and may not pertain to you. Educate yourself on all sides when something is recommended. If the therapy is a prescription drug, it has been studied and approved by the FDA. This is not always perfect. But, at least you know SOMEONE did placebo controlled studies.
Make sure you have a good primary care doctor who will talk to you about these things. Someone who doesn't immediately "poo poo" any idea you might have. Someone who will help you decide what treatment is right for you, "natural" or otherwise.
Cancer is now thought of as a long term chronic illness. I have patients who live for years with it. And others who are treated and "cured". And others who are diagnosed and gone too quickly. I have a lot of cancer in my family. I've lost people. The only thing we know for SURE, is that we don't know ENOUGH. I've seen these miracle people where all hope was lost and they just get better. We don't know why these happen. We MUST do more research on cancer. Spending tax dollars on this is absolutely necessary, just like spending money to clean up our environment.
Medicine is not a prefect or exact science, but it is at least SCIENCE.
If you or someone you love is diagnosed with cancer, I would hope that you would weigh ALL your options. Talk to an oncologist. Get the facts from a specialist. Talk to more than one until you find one you are comfortable with. Make sure you understand the science and if you can't, find a physician you trust to explain it to you. Ask all the questions you need to until you are comfortable. Then make a decision about treatment. But, don't avoid traditional medications out of fear or not being educated. Chemo, radiation, surgery- these things do work. Not all the time. Not for everyone. But, thank goodness, we're getting much better at it.
Prevention and early detection are key. Live a healthy life. Eat healthy things. Don't smoke. Drink alcohol only in moderation. Get regular exercise. Stay out of the sun and wear your sunscreen. Do not use tanning beds. Maintain a healthy weight. SEE your doctor regularly. Get an annual exam. They really do work.
I have a 43 yr old young man, just diagnosed with colon cancer. Why? Because he said he had some stomach pain and we didn't write it off. We ran the tests. We got it out. He'll live now.
I have a patient who is now 57. I saw her 10 years ago and did a routine rectal exam which was positive for blood. She had a good sized colon mass. She had absolutely no symptoms Removed, treated. I saw her last week, she just had her first grandchild. Today she is cancer free.
I have a 52 year old patient that was in for a physical about 9 years ago. Normal prostate exam, but his PSA was high on his blood test. He had very aggressive prostate cancer. Treated he is disease free. Some people say not to do those tests because there are too many false positives. I do them because the one we save are worth all the others.
These are just 3 of them. I have so many more stories. Get your screening tests. INCLUDING Mammogram.
Monday, October 18, 2010
New start Monday
Well, here we are Monday morning. Not my favorite day of the week, but it is what it is. In the words of my 4 yr old this am, "Monday stinks. I'm tired." Yep. Well said. But, at least the day is going well so far.
We're not talking anymore about Friday. It's over. I'll not recap the food situation as well....it was bad. But, Saturday went great. I did really well. Ate breakfast, arrived at the football game and had a baked potato and that was all at the stadium. That evening had a snack of grapes and crackers. Yesterday was good also. So the food went well. The only thing I could have done better was the water and I'm retaining this am. Up a pound, but I know it's water.
The walking and standing and riding in a car was hard this weekend. By Saturday night after the game I was in a bit of pain. We walk about 1.5miles each way to where we park. I had to stop to rest about 3 times. But, on the bright side, I wasn't sore yesterday morning as I was afraid I might be. I've decided I'm not going to work out this week. Give my incisions 1 more week to heal. It doesn't do my attitude any good to try and fail. I think by next week, I'll be ready to get back to it. I'll need to go slow and as frustrating as it is, I know I'll be better off in the long run.
I received a comment from someone I don't really know telling me that she had started reading my blog and that I seem to be much more negative since I gained weight. I tried to respond, but her blog was taken down and there was no way to contact her. My response to that is: No actually, I've always had trouble with negativity. Being positive is actually quite a new thing for me. Please read this post about how I am a negative-aholic.
Lately I have been pretty negative. But, I won't apologize for it. If you are looking for all sunshine and roses, well, you are reading the wrong blog. I have been sick and unable to do the things I had just started to really love for the last month. I had surgery and I'm on the mend, but I am frustrated and a little scared. I don't want a set back that results in being back where I was. Talking about that fear and being angry about it is how I keep my mojo going to get back to where I was. That's me.
I am who I am. What you see is what you get. That's a go getter. A busy person with no time for things getting in my way. Someone who has ALWAYS let things and myself get in my own way before now. So my negativity is mainly my anger with myself for not getting it sooner. And my frustration that I've seen a glimpse of how good I can feel and what I can do only to have it taken away, albeit temporary.
But I appreciate the reminder. I need to continue to work on all aspects of the things I'm trying to change and that isn't just the physical part of it. There are mental things I am trying to change. So this week while I am unable to really boogey on the exercise, I'm going to work on getting my act together. Doing some thought. Getting myself organized at home. Cleaning out the cob webs so to speak. (well, not all of them. It is Halloween after all.)
We're heading into a very hard time of year for me. It is the busiest at work. I have Halloween BFF's bday, "niece" bday. Son's bday, Thanksgiving, daughter #2 birthday, Anniversary, Christmas and My birthday within an 11 week period. Whew. I'm going to try to head into it with a positive attitude and tackle each one as they come.
Now a different subject......I was glued to the TV this weekend watching BASEBALL. That's amazing because in general I don't like it. It is slow. There's too much chewing and spitting and scratching of crotches. Not to mention the math. Batting averages, pitching stats and what not. Ugh. BUT, I did enjoy watching the Rangers win Saturday, what I got to see and for the first time since OU was in the College World Series, I can't wait to get home to baseball. Weird.
It's a good thing the Rangers are doing well or else the suicide rates in Dallas would be sky rocketing. The Cowboys are in the toilet. no maybe they've moved down the drain to the sewer. It is SO infuriating. It's like when my son brought home a C in Science on a test. Now, it's OK if he tries his best and doesn't get something, ends up with a C. But when he's dorking around and not paying attention and not really trying, NO WAY. That's where we are with the Boys. We've got players with the potential for A+ work only giving it C effort. The Vikings didn't look THAT awesome yesterday. They just screwed up less.
BUT....MY SOONERS ARE #1 BABY!!!! I was hoping we'd hover at 2-3 for a while an then move up, but they are playing so well I'm feeling pretty good here. The only game I'm a little concerned about is the OSU game. We play them at their place and the in state rivalry game is always a gamble. I do think we'll win. We have a real shot. WOW!
We're not talking anymore about Friday. It's over. I'll not recap the food situation as well....it was bad. But, Saturday went great. I did really well. Ate breakfast, arrived at the football game and had a baked potato and that was all at the stadium. That evening had a snack of grapes and crackers. Yesterday was good also. So the food went well. The only thing I could have done better was the water and I'm retaining this am. Up a pound, but I know it's water.
The walking and standing and riding in a car was hard this weekend. By Saturday night after the game I was in a bit of pain. We walk about 1.5miles each way to where we park. I had to stop to rest about 3 times. But, on the bright side, I wasn't sore yesterday morning as I was afraid I might be. I've decided I'm not going to work out this week. Give my incisions 1 more week to heal. It doesn't do my attitude any good to try and fail. I think by next week, I'll be ready to get back to it. I'll need to go slow and as frustrating as it is, I know I'll be better off in the long run.
I received a comment from someone I don't really know telling me that she had started reading my blog and that I seem to be much more negative since I gained weight. I tried to respond, but her blog was taken down and there was no way to contact her. My response to that is: No actually, I've always had trouble with negativity. Being positive is actually quite a new thing for me. Please read this post about how I am a negative-aholic.
Lately I have been pretty negative. But, I won't apologize for it. If you are looking for all sunshine and roses, well, you are reading the wrong blog. I have been sick and unable to do the things I had just started to really love for the last month. I had surgery and I'm on the mend, but I am frustrated and a little scared. I don't want a set back that results in being back where I was. Talking about that fear and being angry about it is how I keep my mojo going to get back to where I was. That's me.
I am who I am. What you see is what you get. That's a go getter. A busy person with no time for things getting in my way. Someone who has ALWAYS let things and myself get in my own way before now. So my negativity is mainly my anger with myself for not getting it sooner. And my frustration that I've seen a glimpse of how good I can feel and what I can do only to have it taken away, albeit temporary.
But I appreciate the reminder. I need to continue to work on all aspects of the things I'm trying to change and that isn't just the physical part of it. There are mental things I am trying to change. So this week while I am unable to really boogey on the exercise, I'm going to work on getting my act together. Doing some thought. Getting myself organized at home. Cleaning out the cob webs so to speak. (well, not all of them. It is Halloween after all.)
We're heading into a very hard time of year for me. It is the busiest at work. I have Halloween BFF's bday, "niece" bday. Son's bday, Thanksgiving, daughter #2 birthday, Anniversary, Christmas and My birthday within an 11 week period. Whew. I'm going to try to head into it with a positive attitude and tackle each one as they come.
Now a different subject......I was glued to the TV this weekend watching BASEBALL. That's amazing because in general I don't like it. It is slow. There's too much chewing and spitting and scratching of crotches. Not to mention the math. Batting averages, pitching stats and what not. Ugh. BUT, I did enjoy watching the Rangers win Saturday, what I got to see and for the first time since OU was in the College World Series, I can't wait to get home to baseball. Weird.
It's a good thing the Rangers are doing well or else the suicide rates in Dallas would be sky rocketing. The Cowboys are in the toilet. no maybe they've moved down the drain to the sewer. It is SO infuriating. It's like when my son brought home a C in Science on a test. Now, it's OK if he tries his best and doesn't get something, ends up with a C. But when he's dorking around and not paying attention and not really trying, NO WAY. That's where we are with the Boys. We've got players with the potential for A+ work only giving it C effort. The Vikings didn't look THAT awesome yesterday. They just screwed up less.
BUT....MY SOONERS ARE #1 BABY!!!! I was hoping we'd hover at 2-3 for a while an then move up, but they are playing so well I'm feeling pretty good here. The only game I'm a little concerned about is the OSU game. We play them at their place and the in state rivalry game is always a gamble. I do think we'll win. We have a real shot. WOW!
Friday, October 15, 2010
F&*^% .....Friday...Hot 100.. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
It's a long one. Sorry.
First let's talk about yesterday. Woke up, felt good. On time, kids ready, and out the door. Smiling even. I was a little sore, not too bad. I ate egg beaters, a piece of toast and a plum for breakfast, 288cal. At lunch, I was ready to workout. No gym bag. No prob, home I went. Did a program on the bike, 7miles and hills. Sweaty and felt good. But, 24 hours after the push ups I was pretty sore.
Lunch was a turkey pastrami wrap with mustard and lettuce and some grapes and a plum 36o cal. And then it hit-PAIN. BAD. I was hurting all afternoon and by the end of the day even sitting up hurt. Great.
So I finally made it through work. On the way home from work, I got a migraine. Luckily Nanny had cooked, bless her soul. Roast and veggies and a salad. I had to lay down for a while and took a pain pill. Ate a little and then back in bed. Trouble sleeping due to pain and HA. Took meds which led to...
Apparently I turned my alarm off in my sleep this morning 'cause I woke up late. BAD news since I felt bad last night, no lunch packed for kids, no books ready for "mystery reader" time in the morning, no check written for band shit, no clothes picked out for the girls. Got Son to football practice 5 min late, but made it. Back home, mad Dash, everybody ready. Out to car and.....dead battery. Apparently I didn't get my door shut in my rush and so lights were on for the last hour. AHH!
Called Mom. She came, jumped battery. Daughter tardy. First Grade, so fuck it. Took car to Wal Mart. Battery fine. Sigh. Things looking better. Had 4 yr old with me and she was hungry. Went to McDs and got coffee and her a cinnamon roll (yeah, I know, I know. Healthy right? But at this point...On the bright side kid didn't even know there was a McDs in there and we go to that WalMart all the time, so that made me smile) NO CASH so $4.32 on the Amex later.....
Dropped little one at pre-K, off to work. LATE. Saw patients in mad dash because had to be at Middle girl's school for Mystery reader by 11:30am. Mad dash to said school. Read books, cute kids blah blah. Restrained myself from yelling at the little shit in the front row who kept saying, "I can't see the picture" and then proceeding to pick his nose. (HOW do teachers deal with that shit without killing a kid at least twice a day). GOOD Mommy vibes and I brought the middle kiddo a little Debbie cake for snack. YEAH, but she already KNEW the little one had the cinnamon roll PLUS I had thought that her lunch was AFTER reading time and I told her I'd bring her lunch and THEN her lunch was BEFORE and I couldn't get there in time due to work so YES! I bought the damned Little Debbie Strawberry shortcake roll. I didn't buy the oatmeal things I love or the Swiss rolls that I love or the zebra cakes that I love but I did buy the trash food that I shouldn't give my kids let alone ply them with food to love me, BUT I DID this one time. Damn!
Wait...I'm not done.
So then I leave the school finally feeling like things will calm down. I take the van to get the oil changed because YES we're driving to Oklahoma tomorrow for the OU game and NO I haven't had time to do it or felt good enough to notice. AHhhh! (And no I haven't packed yet!) So I get there and the nice man who always does it asks, "Um...would you like me to do your inspection also while you are here?" What? Why? Huh? OH...because APPARENTLY it was expired in JULY and I have been driving around like one of those AIRHEAD idiots I loathe for THREE MONTHS. And then I hear, "And mam, Your registration expired then also. Did you know that?" FUCK!
So the very nice man did the work and I headed home thinking where the HELL did I put the damn registration sticker and I'm F-ING HUNGRY! I walk in the door and pull out the salad that I planned for lunch, take a step toward getting a fork and MY DAMN SHOE BREAKS. The little cute black ballet shoes I LOVE. Do you see where this might be headed?
I growled and then giggled and then ate my salad. Then I ate the small piece of roast beef and carrots left from dinner and then I ate some watermelon. Meanwhile...I'm looking for the sticker and I can't find it and NOW I can't remember where I put it and did I get it paid? I know I had it somewhere and then.... I snapped. I don't know why but at that moment I was hungry and I wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich BAD.
I marched into the pantry, took the peanut butter. Got my 45 cal wheat bread, measured the grape jelly and peanut butter and ate myself a 350 calorie fucking wonderful PBJ. Here's the deal. My husband went to Sam's on Monday and bought stuff. We needed jelly. He got WELCH's grape. People. This is my fav jelly for the PBJ. We haven't had this shit in the house for MONTHs. I make PBJ 3 times a week for lunches and NEVER do I need one. I don't even lick the SPOON! NEVER! And when I saw that jelly come in the house, my mouth watered and I wanted it. I pushed it aside until today. Now I have to go home and explain to Husband why we have to throw away brand new jelly. THE GIANT GD SAM'S SQUEEZY ONE!
I am angry at being so sore, not from the exercise but the surgery. I KNOW maybe it's unrealistic to be back so fast. But I WANT to be. I am so tired of not being able to do what I WANT. You think someone might be trying to teach me about not NEGLECTING the ability to workout when I can? Well, I GET IT already! I'm sorry I didn't work out all those many stupid stupid years and I will NEVER take for granted my body again. I didn't work out today. I had planned my long awaited return to the gym. Not for weights, but my beloved elliptical. Alas, we will have to let our love affair wait a little longer.
Hot 100 Update:
1) Get to size 12 jeans: Well, I'm in the 14s, but today I'm wearing the 16 because the 14 rubs my incision just the wrong way, so I didn't get to wear them in public yet. And with not working out....
2) Get to 199 pounds: At least this one is headed back in the right direction with the losses this week. I saw 210 on the scale today. One more pound and back to where I was, pre-surgery.
3) Do the 100 push ups and 200 sit ups 3 times a week: I tried, but still too sore. Not yet
4) Run a 5K: Well, this is the only one I'm getting closer to. This weekend I'll register for the 5K for my high school's PTA on November 14th. I SERIOUSLY doubt, in fact, I know I won't be running it. But I'm doing it even if I have to walk the whole damn thing. I haven't ran in a month. How depressing. I may have to start the C25K over and that makes me feel like a major fail. Sigh.
5) Get my yellow belt in TKD: Not even close. No classes for 3 weeks and I may not be able to go back next week if I'm not doing better as I had planned yesterday.
Now I feel like a giant loser after how happy I was and the post from yesterday and I was all ready to go. I feel like I'm not going to accomplish those challenge goals in time and that makes me feel like a loser. I ate the damn PBJ in a fit of emotional hunger pangs. The only bright side is that I stopped to measure the damn PBJ. So if I had the sense to do that, why OH why did I go ahead and eat that shit? Sigh. I fed my kids shit and bribed them with food. Sigh. After the 580 calorie lunch I had, I have like 400 cal left to eat today and we were supposed to order pizza. NO WAY I'm letting that crap in the house now when I feel like this. Sigh.
On the bright side, OU homecoming weekend and Iowa State is toast. Nebraska will kick TX ASS which always make me smile. My Cowboys and my Vikings are matching up this Sunday and they are both in the toilet, we'll see which one gets flushed. Money's on the Boys going down in a blaze of poo, but Hey, sometimes they surprise me. Either way, they both are SUCKING. BUT, the Rangers meet the Yanks tonight and for ONCE I am interested in a baseball game. Go RANGERS!
That's it. Good lord that's enough. Haven't had time to read a single blog yet. Maybe later while the game is on. TTFN....
First let's talk about yesterday. Woke up, felt good. On time, kids ready, and out the door. Smiling even. I was a little sore, not too bad. I ate egg beaters, a piece of toast and a plum for breakfast, 288cal. At lunch, I was ready to workout. No gym bag. No prob, home I went. Did a program on the bike, 7miles and hills. Sweaty and felt good. But, 24 hours after the push ups I was pretty sore.
Lunch was a turkey pastrami wrap with mustard and lettuce and some grapes and a plum 36o cal. And then it hit-PAIN. BAD. I was hurting all afternoon and by the end of the day even sitting up hurt. Great.
So I finally made it through work. On the way home from work, I got a migraine. Luckily Nanny had cooked, bless her soul. Roast and veggies and a salad. I had to lay down for a while and took a pain pill. Ate a little and then back in bed. Trouble sleeping due to pain and HA. Took meds which led to...
Apparently I turned my alarm off in my sleep this morning 'cause I woke up late. BAD news since I felt bad last night, no lunch packed for kids, no books ready for "mystery reader" time in the morning, no check written for band shit, no clothes picked out for the girls. Got Son to football practice 5 min late, but made it. Back home, mad Dash, everybody ready. Out to car and.....dead battery. Apparently I didn't get my door shut in my rush and so lights were on for the last hour. AHH!
Called Mom. She came, jumped battery. Daughter tardy. First Grade, so fuck it. Took car to Wal Mart. Battery fine. Sigh. Things looking better. Had 4 yr old with me and she was hungry. Went to McDs and got coffee and her a cinnamon roll (yeah, I know, I know. Healthy right? But at this point...On the bright side kid didn't even know there was a McDs in there and we go to that WalMart all the time, so that made me smile) NO CASH so $4.32 on the Amex later.....
Dropped little one at pre-K, off to work. LATE. Saw patients in mad dash because had to be at Middle girl's school for Mystery reader by 11:30am. Mad dash to said school. Read books, cute kids blah blah. Restrained myself from yelling at the little shit in the front row who kept saying, "I can't see the picture" and then proceeding to pick his nose. (HOW do teachers deal with that shit without killing a kid at least twice a day). GOOD Mommy vibes and I brought the middle kiddo a little Debbie cake for snack. YEAH, but she already KNEW the little one had the cinnamon roll PLUS I had thought that her lunch was AFTER reading time and I told her I'd bring her lunch and THEN her lunch was BEFORE and I couldn't get there in time due to work so YES! I bought the damned Little Debbie Strawberry shortcake roll. I didn't buy the oatmeal things I love or the Swiss rolls that I love or the zebra cakes that I love but I did buy the trash food that I shouldn't give my kids let alone ply them with food to love me, BUT I DID this one time. Damn!
Wait...I'm not done.
So then I leave the school finally feeling like things will calm down. I take the van to get the oil changed because YES we're driving to Oklahoma tomorrow for the OU game and NO I haven't had time to do it or felt good enough to notice. AHhhh! (And no I haven't packed yet!) So I get there and the nice man who always does it asks, "Um...would you like me to do your inspection also while you are here?" What? Why? Huh? OH...because APPARENTLY it was expired in JULY and I have been driving around like one of those AIRHEAD idiots I loathe for THREE MONTHS. And then I hear, "And mam, Your registration expired then also. Did you know that?" FUCK!
So the very nice man did the work and I headed home thinking where the HELL did I put the damn registration sticker and I'm F-ING HUNGRY! I walk in the door and pull out the salad that I planned for lunch, take a step toward getting a fork and MY DAMN SHOE BREAKS. The little cute black ballet shoes I LOVE. Do you see where this might be headed?
I growled and then giggled and then ate my salad. Then I ate the small piece of roast beef and carrots left from dinner and then I ate some watermelon. Meanwhile...I'm looking for the sticker and I can't find it and NOW I can't remember where I put it and did I get it paid? I know I had it somewhere and then.... I snapped. I don't know why but at that moment I was hungry and I wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich BAD.
I marched into the pantry, took the peanut butter. Got my 45 cal wheat bread, measured the grape jelly and peanut butter and ate myself a 350 calorie fucking wonderful PBJ. Here's the deal. My husband went to Sam's on Monday and bought stuff. We needed jelly. He got WELCH's grape. People. This is my fav jelly for the PBJ. We haven't had this shit in the house for MONTHs. I make PBJ 3 times a week for lunches and NEVER do I need one. I don't even lick the SPOON! NEVER! And when I saw that jelly come in the house, my mouth watered and I wanted it. I pushed it aside until today. Now I have to go home and explain to Husband why we have to throw away brand new jelly. THE GIANT GD SAM'S SQUEEZY ONE!
I am angry at being so sore, not from the exercise but the surgery. I KNOW maybe it's unrealistic to be back so fast. But I WANT to be. I am so tired of not being able to do what I WANT. You think someone might be trying to teach me about not NEGLECTING the ability to workout when I can? Well, I GET IT already! I'm sorry I didn't work out all those many stupid stupid years and I will NEVER take for granted my body again. I didn't work out today. I had planned my long awaited return to the gym. Not for weights, but my beloved elliptical. Alas, we will have to let our love affair wait a little longer.
Hot 100 Update:
1) Get to size 12 jeans: Well, I'm in the 14s, but today I'm wearing the 16 because the 14 rubs my incision just the wrong way, so I didn't get to wear them in public yet. And with not working out....
2) Get to 199 pounds: At least this one is headed back in the right direction with the losses this week. I saw 210 on the scale today. One more pound and back to where I was, pre-surgery.
3) Do the 100 push ups and 200 sit ups 3 times a week: I tried, but still too sore. Not yet
4) Run a 5K: Well, this is the only one I'm getting closer to. This weekend I'll register for the 5K for my high school's PTA on November 14th. I SERIOUSLY doubt, in fact, I know I won't be running it. But I'm doing it even if I have to walk the whole damn thing. I haven't ran in a month. How depressing. I may have to start the C25K over and that makes me feel like a major fail. Sigh.
5) Get my yellow belt in TKD: Not even close. No classes for 3 weeks and I may not be able to go back next week if I'm not doing better as I had planned yesterday.
Now I feel like a giant loser after how happy I was and the post from yesterday and I was all ready to go. I feel like I'm not going to accomplish those challenge goals in time and that makes me feel like a loser. I ate the damn PBJ in a fit of emotional hunger pangs. The only bright side is that I stopped to measure the damn PBJ. So if I had the sense to do that, why OH why did I go ahead and eat that shit? Sigh. I fed my kids shit and bribed them with food. Sigh. After the 580 calorie lunch I had, I have like 400 cal left to eat today and we were supposed to order pizza. NO WAY I'm letting that crap in the house now when I feel like this. Sigh.
On the bright side, OU homecoming weekend and Iowa State is toast. Nebraska will kick TX ASS which always make me smile. My Cowboys and my Vikings are matching up this Sunday and they are both in the toilet, we'll see which one gets flushed. Money's on the Boys going down in a blaze of poo, but Hey, sometimes they surprise me. Either way, they both are SUCKING. BUT, the Rangers meet the Yanks tonight and for ONCE I am interested in a baseball game. Go RANGERS!
That's it. Good lord that's enough. Haven't had time to read a single blog yet. Maybe later while the game is on. TTFN....
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I'm BAAAACK BABY!
Yesterday I woke up and for the first time in a long time I felt nearly normal. I can't tell you how happy I was to feel pretty good. I still had soreness in my upper abdomen a little, but not bad. Best of all I didn't feel weak. I didn't feel nauseated and I didn't feel sick.
I had a smile on my face all day long. I had a great day at work. I had a great food day and a great exercise day. What? You say. OH YES! I exercised for the first time in nearly a month and OH BABY it felt good. That muscle memory thing, yep some truth to it. My body was like...FINALLY...I can move. What a lesson this was for me. What a lesson that I knew was true, but feeling it makes all the difference. YOUR MUSCLES NEED TO MOVE. You body is built for movement. We were designed or evolved or whatever, that way. It's a fact.
When lunch time came I headed home. I wanted to get on my bike, but there was that little voice. "Maybe it's too soon. You don't want to hurt yourself." And the other one, "The surgeon said you could do anything you wanted. He did not say you couldn't work out. You are just looking for a way out and you'd rather flop on the bed and watch TV with your fat lazy ass." Yep. Plus, I'd told you guys I was going to try. I decided to hop on the bike. If it hurt, I could stop. But it didn't hurt. it felt great. And I was sweaty and pumped when I was done. 7miles.
After that I thought, well Hell. I might as well try for one of my Hot 100 goals, so you know what I did? I DID PUSH UPS. Boo YAH! I restarted the 100 push ups program from scratch. I did the initial test. I could only do 12, where before I did 20. But, I did the first day also so I did a total of 50 push ups with the intervals. This morning My arms feel like they did some work, but they aren't overly sore and my belly is fine. Today another workout and back to the gym tomorrow. TKD next week and I'll call my trainer to set up a session. I'm BACK!
For breakfast I ate a Jimmy Dean Lite Sandwich. My first day back at kids plus work left me running late. I grabbed it from the freezer on the way out the door. It's 260 calories and is actually quite good. If you haven't tried them, you might want to. It's egg white and light sausage on a english muffin. We get them in a big box at Sam's so they are cheap. At lunch I had 2/3 cup cottage cheese, fresh peach, green peas and green beans left over from dinner. It was 306 Calories.
At dinner, I had this awesome bean, lentil and farro soup my Nanny's been making lately. I just love that grain. We discovered it at Costco recently. It's an Italian wheat grain and similar to Barley. OMG it's so good. It is calorie dense, but it is so high in fiber it fills you up with very little. In the soup it kinda has the texture of rice. I love it. That and a salad. I ATE SALAD!! I haven't been able to eat more than a bite of lettuce due to my nausea. It tasted soooo good. Salad with tomatoes, cucumbers, red peppers and feta cheese. I used my salad spritzer spray to save on calories and I figure the whole meal wasn't over 400. For dessert I had a juicy plum. All total I ate around 1000calories and I was satisfied.
The kids were wild last night. I don't know maybe it was Mom finally being normal and sitting at the table. Everyone was happy and giggling. After we cleaned the kitchen together and the kids helped me pack lunches. My son took the rest of the soup today. My husband got the salad with a little turkey pastrami I cut up on top. If you haven't tried that stuff, do it. It's like 60 calories for 3 oz and it has a great flavor so it doesn't take much on a sandwich. I guess I love those boys, 'cause I got squat from the left overs.
The best part is....... I LOST 2 pounds of the stupid surgery weight I've been carrying around. I weighed 211.2 this am. The lowest I've been was 209.4 so I'm on the road back there and to my other Hot 100 goal, 199. Yippee!
I can't remember a time in my life where I was excited to eat a salad. I can't remember a time in my life where exercise meant so much to me. And now I know I'm never going back. The way I feel both physically and emotionally when I'm living healthy inside and out is....... priceless. Is this why thin people are so much happier? I always thought it was because they had better clothes and more friends and boy friends and social status. All that is probably great, but to FEEL GOOD everyday. To wake up and not ache. To wake up and have energy. To look forward to seeing what new things you can do. WOW!
And the mind set of not IF I were thin, but WHEN I AM THIN. Never. Never before have I thought that way. I was lying in bed last night thinking that my ribs feel the mattress more now cause there's not as much padding. And I found my self thinking, "Huh, wonder what it'll feel like 50 pounds from now." WHAT? My brain said. I never realized it before, but until now I never really BELIEVED I could lose ALL my weight. I never really thought I COULD do it. I thought I was meant to be fat. I thought It defined me. I thought I couldn't control it. BUT I WAS SOOOOOO WRONG.
And how did I get here? Was it a book? Was it a diet? Was it a pill? Was it because Jillian said? Was it for my family? Was it because I wanted clothes? NO! It's because I DECIDED TO JUST TRY. TO START. TO DO IT. NO MATTER WHAT. NO MORE EXCUSES. NO MORE LYING TO MYSELF. JUST ONE CHOICE and another and another. And it worked. And the more it worked, the more I believed.
So here's the deal. All of us out here who seem to have it figured out. People like Sean and Jack and Shelley and Allan. We don't have magic will power. WE ARE NOT SPECIAL. We're not better than you. We're not smarter than you. We don't have better genetics. We don't have more time. We don't have anything you don't have. We are faced with choices. Millions each day. And one choice at a time, we choose to LIVE.
WHAT are you choosing today?
I had a smile on my face all day long. I had a great day at work. I had a great food day and a great exercise day. What? You say. OH YES! I exercised for the first time in nearly a month and OH BABY it felt good. That muscle memory thing, yep some truth to it. My body was like...FINALLY...I can move. What a lesson this was for me. What a lesson that I knew was true, but feeling it makes all the difference. YOUR MUSCLES NEED TO MOVE. You body is built for movement. We were designed or evolved or whatever, that way. It's a fact.
When lunch time came I headed home. I wanted to get on my bike, but there was that little voice. "Maybe it's too soon. You don't want to hurt yourself." And the other one, "The surgeon said you could do anything you wanted. He did not say you couldn't work out. You are just looking for a way out and you'd rather flop on the bed and watch TV with your fat lazy ass." Yep. Plus, I'd told you guys I was going to try. I decided to hop on the bike. If it hurt, I could stop. But it didn't hurt. it felt great. And I was sweaty and pumped when I was done. 7miles.
After that I thought, well Hell. I might as well try for one of my Hot 100 goals, so you know what I did? I DID PUSH UPS. Boo YAH! I restarted the 100 push ups program from scratch. I did the initial test. I could only do 12, where before I did 20. But, I did the first day also so I did a total of 50 push ups with the intervals. This morning My arms feel like they did some work, but they aren't overly sore and my belly is fine. Today another workout and back to the gym tomorrow. TKD next week and I'll call my trainer to set up a session. I'm BACK!
For breakfast I ate a Jimmy Dean Lite Sandwich. My first day back at kids plus work left me running late. I grabbed it from the freezer on the way out the door. It's 260 calories and is actually quite good. If you haven't tried them, you might want to. It's egg white and light sausage on a english muffin. We get them in a big box at Sam's so they are cheap. At lunch I had 2/3 cup cottage cheese, fresh peach, green peas and green beans left over from dinner. It was 306 Calories.
At dinner, I had this awesome bean, lentil and farro soup my Nanny's been making lately. I just love that grain. We discovered it at Costco recently. It's an Italian wheat grain and similar to Barley. OMG it's so good. It is calorie dense, but it is so high in fiber it fills you up with very little. In the soup it kinda has the texture of rice. I love it. That and a salad. I ATE SALAD!! I haven't been able to eat more than a bite of lettuce due to my nausea. It tasted soooo good. Salad with tomatoes, cucumbers, red peppers and feta cheese. I used my salad spritzer spray to save on calories and I figure the whole meal wasn't over 400. For dessert I had a juicy plum. All total I ate around 1000calories and I was satisfied.
The kids were wild last night. I don't know maybe it was Mom finally being normal and sitting at the table. Everyone was happy and giggling. After we cleaned the kitchen together and the kids helped me pack lunches. My son took the rest of the soup today. My husband got the salad with a little turkey pastrami I cut up on top. If you haven't tried that stuff, do it. It's like 60 calories for 3 oz and it has a great flavor so it doesn't take much on a sandwich. I guess I love those boys, 'cause I got squat from the left overs.
The best part is....... I LOST 2 pounds of the stupid surgery weight I've been carrying around. I weighed 211.2 this am. The lowest I've been was 209.4 so I'm on the road back there and to my other Hot 100 goal, 199. Yippee!
I can't remember a time in my life where I was excited to eat a salad. I can't remember a time in my life where exercise meant so much to me. And now I know I'm never going back. The way I feel both physically and emotionally when I'm living healthy inside and out is....... priceless. Is this why thin people are so much happier? I always thought it was because they had better clothes and more friends and boy friends and social status. All that is probably great, but to FEEL GOOD everyday. To wake up and not ache. To wake up and have energy. To look forward to seeing what new things you can do. WOW!
And the mind set of not IF I were thin, but WHEN I AM THIN. Never. Never before have I thought that way. I was lying in bed last night thinking that my ribs feel the mattress more now cause there's not as much padding. And I found my self thinking, "Huh, wonder what it'll feel like 50 pounds from now." WHAT? My brain said. I never realized it before, but until now I never really BELIEVED I could lose ALL my weight. I never really thought I COULD do it. I thought I was meant to be fat. I thought It defined me. I thought I couldn't control it. BUT I WAS SOOOOOO WRONG.
And how did I get here? Was it a book? Was it a diet? Was it a pill? Was it because Jillian said? Was it for my family? Was it because I wanted clothes? NO! It's because I DECIDED TO JUST TRY. TO START. TO DO IT. NO MATTER WHAT. NO MORE EXCUSES. NO MORE LYING TO MYSELF. JUST ONE CHOICE and another and another. And it worked. And the more it worked, the more I believed.
So here's the deal. All of us out here who seem to have it figured out. People like Sean and Jack and Shelley and Allan. We don't have magic will power. WE ARE NOT SPECIAL. We're not better than you. We're not smarter than you. We don't have better genetics. We don't have more time. We don't have anything you don't have. We are faced with choices. Millions each day. And one choice at a time, we choose to LIVE.
WHAT are you choosing today?
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Wednesday Weigh In. Getting back on Track.
Today I woke up and feel nearly normal. I can't tell you what a relief that is. Of course, being here at work and being on my feet, carrying around my laptop and my belly and back are achy again. What feels best is my attitude. I feel like it's getting back to normal. I realized last night that it's time to stop eating like I'm a sick person. I'm feeling better and I've got to begin moving on.
Yesterday my eating was great. I had cheerios for breakfast and coffee, of course. I had a great lunch. I ate peaches, 1/2 cup green peas, a few canned pears and a cup of light progresso Chicken and Dumpling soup. It was 400 calories which is more than I generally eat at lunch, but I was hungry for some fruit. I had a couple of plums on my way to my son's football game. Then for dinner I had 3oz of pork chop, grilled and green beans and 1/2 cup of risotto my Nanny made for me. She still is trying to feed me well. It's an Italian thing. The day was done at 1175 calories. I'm still getting used to getting all my water back in. I drank at least 64oz and today I'll do more.
As I lay in bed last night with my stomach rolling from it's first meat in quite a while, I wanted the security of my gold fish crackers. I wasn't hungry, but my tummy was rumbly and I'd gotten in the habit of munching crackers when my tummy felt bad. But, that was before I could eat real food. I told my brain, NO more. And that was it. I laid there and watched Caprica and then to sleep for me. I slept well despite weird dreams and my belly hurting through the night. I still have pain when I lay a certain way from the surgery.
I woke up this morning and weighed in. I wasn't going to and then the bitch in my brain said, "Weigh or Don't weigh. Doesn't change how much you weigh, does it? Gotta start again sometime and get back on your schedule." OK then. How true. Whether or not I weigh and see the scale, I weigh what I weigh. Accept it and do something about it. So, I did. I weighed 212.4. Down a pound. Still up 3# from my lowest pre-surgery weight. I was soooo excited when I saw those 2 Ohs, this is still a little depressing. But, alas. I can do nothing but move forward and I'm determined to see those numbers again soon. Whining about how I gained will not burn the calories I need to see them again, now will they?
For the first time I feel like I'm ready to exercise. I might just go home and try a ride on the stationary. It's my go to when I don't feel great. And now that I've said I would to all of you, I must. Accountability people. It's what we're here for.
I wanted to mention a couple of bloggers. Maybe you know them, but if not check them out. First, Tami, over at Nutmeg Notebook. She is so supportive and has the best recipes over there. She takes great pics and is enjoyable to read. I spend most of my time jealous of her cooking, but at least I know if I have time to cook, I'll have a tasty and healthy recipe to do it with.
Next, I read a great post on helping your kids learn to eat healthy by Lanie over at Healthy Schmealthy today. It is such an important topic for anyone who has kids or is around them or plans to have them. It is up to all of us to make sure that our kids don't end up sharing our struggles with weight and health. I watched only a few minutes of Biggest Loser last night which I don't usually watch. Bob was talking to one of the contestants. A single mom of 2 who said she can order a $5 pizza and it feeds all 3 of them. He said he understood how hard it was but that, "Your kids are worth more than a $5 pizza." How true and important for each of us to remember.
And finally, MaryFran at A New Start: Losing weight posted about gaining back a lot of weight and hating herself for it. We've all been there. We all know it's more about the mental challenge of this process than the physical. Go on over and lend some support today. One day at a time is all we have people.
Now that I can check:" post on blog" off my TO DO, I'm off to finish other work. Have a great day everyone!
Yesterday my eating was great. I had cheerios for breakfast and coffee, of course. I had a great lunch. I ate peaches, 1/2 cup green peas, a few canned pears and a cup of light progresso Chicken and Dumpling soup. It was 400 calories which is more than I generally eat at lunch, but I was hungry for some fruit. I had a couple of plums on my way to my son's football game. Then for dinner I had 3oz of pork chop, grilled and green beans and 1/2 cup of risotto my Nanny made for me. She still is trying to feed me well. It's an Italian thing. The day was done at 1175 calories. I'm still getting used to getting all my water back in. I drank at least 64oz and today I'll do more.
As I lay in bed last night with my stomach rolling from it's first meat in quite a while, I wanted the security of my gold fish crackers. I wasn't hungry, but my tummy was rumbly and I'd gotten in the habit of munching crackers when my tummy felt bad. But, that was before I could eat real food. I told my brain, NO more. And that was it. I laid there and watched Caprica and then to sleep for me. I slept well despite weird dreams and my belly hurting through the night. I still have pain when I lay a certain way from the surgery.
I woke up this morning and weighed in. I wasn't going to and then the bitch in my brain said, "Weigh or Don't weigh. Doesn't change how much you weigh, does it? Gotta start again sometime and get back on your schedule." OK then. How true. Whether or not I weigh and see the scale, I weigh what I weigh. Accept it and do something about it. So, I did. I weighed 212.4. Down a pound. Still up 3# from my lowest pre-surgery weight. I was soooo excited when I saw those 2 Ohs, this is still a little depressing. But, alas. I can do nothing but move forward and I'm determined to see those numbers again soon. Whining about how I gained will not burn the calories I need to see them again, now will they?
For the first time I feel like I'm ready to exercise. I might just go home and try a ride on the stationary. It's my go to when I don't feel great. And now that I've said I would to all of you, I must. Accountability people. It's what we're here for.
I wanted to mention a couple of bloggers. Maybe you know them, but if not check them out. First, Tami, over at Nutmeg Notebook. She is so supportive and has the best recipes over there. She takes great pics and is enjoyable to read. I spend most of my time jealous of her cooking, but at least I know if I have time to cook, I'll have a tasty and healthy recipe to do it with.
Next, I read a great post on helping your kids learn to eat healthy by Lanie over at Healthy Schmealthy today. It is such an important topic for anyone who has kids or is around them or plans to have them. It is up to all of us to make sure that our kids don't end up sharing our struggles with weight and health. I watched only a few minutes of Biggest Loser last night which I don't usually watch. Bob was talking to one of the contestants. A single mom of 2 who said she can order a $5 pizza and it feeds all 3 of them. He said he understood how hard it was but that, "Your kids are worth more than a $5 pizza." How true and important for each of us to remember.
And finally, MaryFran at A New Start: Losing weight posted about gaining back a lot of weight and hating herself for it. We've all been there. We all know it's more about the mental challenge of this process than the physical. Go on over and lend some support today. One day at a time is all we have people.
Now that I can check:" post on blog" off my TO DO, I'm off to finish other work. Have a great day everyone!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Progress to TouchDown and GOALLLL!!
