I'm too tired to think of a snazzy title....

Today was a stressful day. There are just times when you're going to be met with challenges, as unfair as it may seem. I am not very fond of confrontation and today I had to deal with some. I get so tired of the gossipy games that go on in my office. From what I hear it happens in every office. I have enough to deal with between taking care of patients and running a business and taking care of my home life. I don't have time or energy for drama. I don't know why some people seem to always need a little of it going on.

I woke up this morning with a massive headache. I'm not sure why other than there were some storms that moved through. I didn't workout this morning. Breakfast was egg substitute scrambled with peppers, tomatoes, Canadian bacon and onions for 142 calories.

Normally I would have my TKD class, but this week the gym is closed while the owners are on vacation. So instead, I did my usual session with the trainer. It was a very hard session. I burned 700 calories. He had me doing sit ups with weights and shoulder presses and chest presses and jumping off shit and climbing on stuff. I'm pretty sure I'll be sore in the morning. At one point in the work out I told him I wasn't real sure I could do these step up things while holding the 15 pound weights. He said, "Yes you can. Just do it." Fine. So I did. BUT, not until I pointed out that the box I was stepping on was a 1/3 of my height or more.

Dinner was yummy rosemary pork chops, roasted broccoli, tomato salad for 342 calories. I came in WAY under budget today for calories, especially after my jammin workout. But, I'm not hungry and I'm tired so, that'll do for today.

As soon as Rescue Me is over, I'm going beddie bye. Tomorrow morning I have planned a workout. I'll either be biking on the stationary or running on the treadmill, just depends on how bad the legs feel.

Oh, I forgot...the best part of today was wearing my new size 16 cute khaki cargo pants and my new cute black blouse, size 18. I believe it won't be long before it's too big, but maybe it'll shrink in the dryer. I guess wearing clothes that fit show my weight loss more because several people noticed today, mostly men.

It really makes me feel weird and I'm not used to the attention. The "You look really good. Have you lost weight?" "Wow! You've really slimmed down. Looks great." I even got one, "You're looking hot." from one of my lesbian patients. OK. I just feel like me. Like I've always been. I don't know what to say because I feel like I need to lose so much more. I feel good about what I've done so far, but I know there is a LONG way to goal from here. I'm just not good at talking about my weight loss yet.

I don't really talk about it with anyone but you my bloggy friends, my husband and my BFF. Otherwise, I don't really discuss working out or what I'm eating or not eating. Although I jokingly threatened to punch a girl at work for poking cookies in my face and asking me if I wanted one today. Well...mostly joking. She knows I don't eat that crap.

But, honestly, I don't really feel like I need to be out there advertising the fact that I'm trying to be healthy. If people ask, I tell them as little as it takes. Sometimes I tell them about a work out. I still deep down am afraid I'll fail in a tiny little place. I don't want to advertise as I'm a little afraid of letting people see me screw up. Again.

But, mostly I just feel like this is my deal, you know? This is for me. This is just me and my life. It's not a diet or a program. It's not like before where I was all about telling people about my latest diet discovery. No, this time it is just me putting good food in my body and moving it in ways I never thought I would. I guess I'll need to work on how I react to other people's reaction.

What about you? How do you handle these sorts of conversations and complements?

Weekend Wrap up and Friends Making Mondays

Friday ended up great. Went shopping at lunch and bought a pair of jeans. Drum roll please......... SIZE 16!!! That's right, not since college have jeans that small blessed these hips. I also bought a pair of size 14 shorts which are a little snug, but they were on clearance for 6 bucks and I couldn't resist. Plus, just the thought that I bought a size 14 anything and can actually wear them was soooo intoxicating.

I also found out I am down to an 18/20 in shirts, probably closer to the 18 rather than the 20. It is amazing to me. I was so excited that I went home Friday night and put on those jeans and wore them all evening. I would have worn them to bed,but my husband thinks I'm nuts enough as it is.

Woke up Saturday morning and when I weighed I was 212. Now, my official weigh in is not until Wednesday and I don't know if I'll still be down that low then, but I was sure happy to see I'm headed in that direction. That is my first weight loss goal and it is the lowest weight I've been in 11 years.

Saturday was spent trimming hedges, weeding flower beds and sweating. Lots and lots of sweating. Later that evening we did a little swimming and I practiced my newly learned TKD skills.

Eating was not great on Saturday. I was well within my budget, but I ate too much salty stuff and woke up yesterday puffy as expected. I also woke up with a massive stomach ache. I don't know why, but I felt like crap. I spent the whole day in bed yesterday and went to sleep last night by 7:30pm. Needless to say, there was no working out yesterday. I didn't eat anything but toast and saltines, so again with the sodium. Plus, my stomach hurt and I didn't drink any water either.

Today I've felt better, but I'm up 2 pounds and it is all water as my nearly falling off wedding rings are now snug. I'd like to know why we women have to retain fluids and bloat so easily. Grrr.

Anyway, no workout this am either as I was still feeling a little off, but as the day has worn on, I feel better and I have been drinking tons and tons of water. I'll be back to my old self in the am and that means, back to the 5 am workout. Yippee!

Doubt they'll be a swim tonight as my little one went to the dentist today and had her first filling and she was kinda tired when I checked on her at lunch.
And now from My friend Shane, via Kenz:
Friends Making Mondays

I like... doing things I never dreamed I could.

I don't like... that there are still days where the "old me" sneaks into my thinking.

I love... being a Mom.

I dream of... seeing my kids grow up into amazing people.

I wonder... why I waited so long to figure this health stuff out.

I know... that I can succeed. One day, one minute, one second, one CHOICE at a time.

I went... home at lunch to visit my cutie pie back from the dentist.

I have... so many things I'm thankful for.

I think... I can. I think I can....

I plan...to plan my meals more.

I regret... that I wasted so many years being fat and lazy.

I do... many things for many people.

I drink... Lots and lots of water and the occasional martini.

I wish... I had more time.

I am... determined.

I am not...perfect.

I need... more patience or is it patients? I guess both apply.

I graduated... into a smaller jean size this week.

I hope... I get home and dinner is already made.

I want... to make my weight loss goal.

I sometimes... wonder why it takes so long to lose weight I can gain by sniffing a cheesecake.

I always...enjoy watching my kids do silly things.

I can... do some silly things myself.

I work...for myself and sometimes my boss really pisses me off!

I cannot... do 100 push-ups, YET!

I avoid... bagels.

I will... do 100 push-ups, someday!

On my way from Fat-Ass to Bad-Ass

Yesterday was awesome. It was just one of those good days. I got up at 5:07am. I was in a good mood. Got dressed, shoes and headed upstairs to ride my bike. Granted my legs were sore from the run the day before and the elliptical the 2 days before that. But, I rode 6 miles.

Then did some crunches and a few push-ups. I actually started the iPhone app, 100pushups. So I'll be working toward that goal. How cool will it be if I can accomplish that? It really wasn't that hard to start since I've been doing them, especially since my elbow is all better.

I had an egg white wrap with Canadian bacon for breakfast (246 cal) At lunch I had cottage cheese, watermelon and pineapple (365 cal). Dinner was a chicken, potato, onion, Italian sausage dish, a recipe I got from a magazine. It was really tasty and has a red wine vinegar sauce. I had my peas and squash for the veggies. I also had a little of another new recipe-okra fritters. I didn't eat much of it because it is sauteed in olive oil. But, the husband and son loved it. It was 234 calories for 2 fritters. I ate 1. Dinner finished at 693, which is above my usual, but I was soooo hungry after all the exercise I did yesterday. I burned around 900 cal, so my net calories were only 421.

And what you may ask did I do to burn so many calories? Well..I already mentioned my morning exercise. At noon I went to MY FIRST TAE KWON DO CLASS! Yeah me. It was so hard and so awesome and so scary at the same time.

I arrived with a few minutes to spare before class. Getting there by noon can be an issue. As a doctor you never quite know what's going to happen, but I made it. The most nerve wracking thing about starting the class was the damned uniform. I was worried: Would it fit? Would they have my size? Will I look ridiculous? The good news is yes, they had my size, yes it fit and yes I probably looked ridiculous but no more than anyone else. Of course I need to hem the pants and sleeves, I'm so short.

I was the fattest one there. Which didn't surprise me, but I did have a moment of that feeling. You know the one, like in gym class when the teacher says, "Today we're going to be running." Oh great. I was always the slowest and fattest and could never do that. BUT, it was a fleeting thought and I pushed it out.

The teacher I've known a long time as my kids have been going to this gym for 4 years. I knew what to expect as I've watched many classes. I think however that he was a little worried about me. He was very friendly and supportive and welcoming. He did let me know, "The warm up is pretty similar to the kids classes, so it's basic, but just do what you can. If you need to, you can stop for rests." I think he was thinking, "Dear Lord, don't let this fat woman have a heart attack on my gym floor."

I told him I'd been working out a while and I would be fine. I'd go at my own pace and see what I could do. I honestly wasn't that worried about getting through the class. My trainer puts me through hell. I've gotten used to working out in front of people at the gym. But, I haven't exercised in a class setting since college so I have to admit it felt kinda weird.

There were about 12 adults in the class, 5 of us were white belts (beginners). Master J introduced me to the class. He was very kind and everyone smiled and said hi. I have to think though that some of the people there must have thought, "Yeah, right. SHE'S going to do this." I actually saw a glance or two or worry or pity. Fuck that. They don't know me.

So the class starts with warm up-jogging in place, jumping jacks. Then rigorous, and I mean, RIG-OR-OUS, stretching. Then crunches: 25 plain, 25 with legs in the air, 25 v-ups where he had us hold our legs up, then 1/3 down to the ground, then lower, but not on the ground. Let me tell you everyone in there was breathing heavy and a few were grunting by the end.

Then leg lifts. You remember these from gym class? I do. I hated them then because they hurt so bad. I'm still not a fan, let me tell you. We did 30 of these bad boys with the last 5 holding for 10 sec, down 1/2 way and hold, then back up with out touching the ground. OUCH! Then, Push-ups (As you know one of my favs) He had us do 25 (cake) BUT, the last 3 he had us go 1/2 way down and hold for like 15 seconds, then back up, then down and back up. That was HARD!

When that was done, everyone in the class was sweating, including the instructor. And you know what? I did it. Every bit. The leg lifts were super hard and my legs were shaking, but I did it. My trainer says I need to work my hip flexors as I always have trouble with those kinds of exercises. Well. I guess he was right and he got his wish. Mental note though...no push ups or crunches on TKD days in my morning routine. BURN BABY BURN.

After the warm up, we started the actual TKD stuff. We did kicking. I learned the first kick-side kick. Plus we learned breaking holds-which are basically what to do if some one grabs you in various ways. The lady I had as a partner was way taller than me (who isn't?), but it was just her 2nd class so we were pretty evenly matched. She's also thinner than me (who isn't?) and VERY strong. She obviously works out a lot. But, I'll tell you what, I put her on the ground more than once. HA!

Since I've helped my kids practice, I knew a lot of the steps, just never really tried doing them. It was cool! I am bruised from her grabbing me and other stuff, but I don't even care it was totally so fun and cool. I have a new respect for why my kids are so tired after class. AND, for how hard that is to do. It takes so much coordination and you move in ways you just don't do in regular life.

Stupid me forgot my strap for my Polar so I don't know how many calories I burned. I estimated 500 just because I know by now pretty well based on how I feel how many I'm burning. But, next time I'll remember as I'm curious, because I suspect it might have been more.

Afterward, I was super sweaty. (Mental note..bring sweatband and bottle of water next time!) Those uniforms probably make you burn tons more calories. I've never worked out in long sleeves and pants before. Yikes, it was hot. I was so happy to get outta that thing.

Several people came up after class and said they couldn't believe it was my first class because I did so well. They said they were dying the first time or two and I seemed to breeze through. You can read into that, "I can't believe someone that fat can move that well."

Last night the kids were so excited. They wanted to see my uniform and my white belt. They wanted me to demonstrate my skills, which I did. This is great for them as it is all review. My little 4 year old said,"Don't worry Mommy. I'll help you learn all the stuff you need to know. I can teach you all the stuff." Sooo cute.

AND....the best part is that the owners of the gym are not charging me for my classes! They said since we've had 3 kids in their gym for so long, my classes are free. All I have to pay for are uniforms and belt tests. Yippee!

The very,very bestest part is that they told me it would be the same for my husband if he decides he wants to start. He actually asked me to ask them about it. He initiated, not me. I want him to exercise so badly, but I can't make him. He has to decide. It would be super great if he'd try it out. It might get the ball rolling. I think he'd like it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed as he needs to lose weight and get in shape. He has a family history of heart problems. I will not nag him about it though as I know from experience that it only makes people feel bad and angry, so I'll just continue on and see if he catches the bug.

Plus, I heard from my BFF yesterday. She has been sticking to it, eating right, tracking her food and exercise. She's down 14 pounds and under 200 for the first time in a long time! I'm just so happy I could jump for joy if my legs weren't so sore. Ha ha! I've never been more happy to be in pain though. Badge of honor my friends!

And so, no workout today for me. Going to swim tonight as the pool is finally refreshing again with the cooler temps. We swam a little last night and it felt soooo nice. Tonight I'll have more time and it helps loosen my muscles from all the other working out.

Right now, I'm headed out to treat myself to a few new clothes. The smallest pair of pants I own, a size 18, which were always a little snug even when I first bought them are now big. They fit, but I have about 2 inches or more of room. Plus, every shirt I tried to wear is too big. I'm not buying much, but I deserve one or two new outfits. Plus my undies are absolutely falling off and THAT is a bad place to have bagging around, if you get my drift.

Oh....I almost forgot. I ordered a new lab coat last week. It is an XL, no numbers in front. And it is TOO BIG! HA ha ha ha ha ha! I am going to have to send it back to get a LARGE. HA. I've never had a plain LARGE anything!!!! Amazing...

What victories have you had lately? If you haven't had one lately, what are you doing to change it?

A Healthy Legacy

I listen to a lot of sports radio. Some of these stations do more talk than sports and it's usually funny. It's a lot of "guy" humor, but I like it.

The other day they were talking about how the DJ's son had a list sent home of approved healthy snacks and you can't bring anything that isn't on the list. They were saying it is ridiculous and that if a parent wants to send Twinkies to school, they should be allowed to. After all, this is America, freedom of choice, all that.

I don't agree with these lists because there are a lot of healthy things that weren't on it, like fruit. But, I do know that when parents are packing the snack kids don't get to choose. And don't we need to look out for those kids whose parents don't know better? Our school doesn't have a list you have to stick to, but they ask that snacks be healthy. Then last night, my daughter asks me if she can have candy for snack. What? That's not a snack. It's a treat. "But Mommy, Haley brings candy." Oh lord.

I don't want to get off on the subject of the horror of school food programs. But, I am wondering why a parent would let a kid have candy as a snack? Even if the child is not overweight, what is that teaching them about healthy food choices? And this is in first grade. Kids tend to get more sedentary as they get older.... they play more computer games, gameboy, play station, blah, blah, blah. If they learn that a snickers is a good snack at 6, won't it be that much harder to unlearn that later?

And why would those parents pack those snacks anyway? It's not like it's a gray area like those "fruit snacks made from whole fruit" that have more sugar and corn syrup than fruit. No, this is candy. Everyone knows candy is not healthy. So why? Is it because they are dieting and wish they could eat it? Are they living out their food desires through their kids? Or are they an emotional eater like me? Do they think food=love? I did for a long time. It's still hard to shake that habit. After all don't we all kill ourselves to cook the perfect dinners on holidays? Why? Because we love our family.

Or, are they another of those parents that take the easy way out? It's much harder to say no when your kid is begging, "Please please please Mommy, I'll be good. Just one piece, just this time." I know because that's what I faced with my daughter last night when she did this asking for candy(not that we had any in the house to give her anyway). But we had a quick talk about the difference between a SNACK and a TREAT.

I'm not saying my kids never get candy or cake or cookies. I'm not one of "those parents" who are all about no sugars at all or chemicals or blah blah blah.... But, we need to realize that our kids will model us and only learn what we teach them about nutrition. They learn very little in school about this. That's why this is so important. I am trying very hard to model good behavior for my kids. It is hard and I am not perfect. But, I've already taught my 12 year old to read labels and he's learning about quality foods and good choices.

My first grader and I look at the menu for her school every week. The school actually prints out a menu for the semester. Each day they have green foods-healthiest choice, yellow-healthier, red-not very healthy. We talk about which foods are green and why. Although I don't always agree with their ratings, cheeseburger=yellow?, it opens up the topic to good discussion.

I'm not teaching her to count calories at 6 before some of you freak out. But, I do want her to learn what is healthy and what are things you can have, but only sometimes. For instance, this week she chose to have a baked potato over the pizza(a red food). But, she has decided that next week, maybe she'll have pizza. Fine. Today, they have only a red food and a yellow food so she decided she wanted to pack her lunch. She chose to take a salad, yogurt, banana, cheese stick and juice box. (I'm not crazy about juice, but we were out of the little organic milk boxes. At least she had the yogurt.) For snack she's having raisins and a Nutri-grain bar. She chose these food because she likes them. She picked them out. She will enjoy eating them AND she knows they are healthy.

It's a fine line between teaching them healthy habits and making them obsessive about their weight. I want my kids to feel good about themselves from the inside out. I want them to learn that they don't need external validation to feel self worth. But, I want them to be fit and healthy. It is hard, but not impossible.

I talk to patients all the time who say it's hard for them to diet since they have to buy stuff like chips and cookies for their husband and kids. "Why??? They don't need that food anymore than you do." That's always my answer. Just because someone is not overweight doesn't mean they don't need to eat healthy foods.

And you wouldn't believe the numbers of thin, healthy parents that have fat, unhealthy children. If it's not something you would eat, your kid doesn't need it. If you are up exercising everyday, your kid should be, too.

Everyone thinks about making sure our kids have a better life financially than we did and leaving them a good financial legacy. What about the Health Legacy we're leaving them? Kids with diabetic, hypertensive parents are more likely to grow up to that. Kids of obese parents are twice as likely to be obese. This scares the shit outta me. And one of the main reasons that I realized I've got to change my ways.

Plus, how am I going to make sure they have a bright future, financially and otherwise if I drop dead from a heart attack? What legacy does that leave?

I am committing to creating a healthy legacy for my kids. Not one that starts long after I'm gone, but one that starts now. One where I'm healthy active and fit. One where I can help them be that way too. One where I can watch them leave that legacy for their kids, their grand-kids and stop the cycle of obesity in my family. One where we live happily together a long, long, long, long time.


How do you handle it when your kids want something completely awful for them? Do you let them since they are "just a kid"? What are you doing to leave a healthy legacy?

Wednesday Weigh in and Other issues....

Yesterday was a good day over all. Although I still am not as hungry as I used to be. Could it be the heat? Could it be hormones? Could it be fatigue? I'm not sure, but I find myself skipping snacks and such because I'm not hungry. Whatever it is, it's OK. If I'm hungry I eat, if not I don't. I'm still eating plenty of calories, even with the exercise.

I had cheerios for breakfast, which I don't generally do because I have trouble controlling portions. But, with me not as hungry, 1 cup was plenty. That and a banana and breakfast with my coffee was 362 cal. Lunch was my after workout 1 time a week treat of low fat no sugar added frozen yogurt with berries at 243 calories. What used to be dessert is now a meal. I went home to the roast I had in the crock pot and it was YUMMY. I don't eat a lot of beef lately, but sometimes it is just necessary for me. Plus with all this exercise, I need the protein. Dinner with the potatoes and corn and such was 650 cal. So, total for the day was 1255. With the 511 I burned in exercise, my net was 744 for yesterday. Smile.

And speaking of exercise, I am kicking butt and taking names. I did 2.5 miles on the elliptical yesterday at lunch. And not JUST 2.5 miles. I pumped the sucker up to the highest level I've ever done, Level 18. I did 5 minutes there, then I worked down every few minutes until I ended on level 1 with my cool down. It was hard and my legs were shaking, but I loved it. Then, this morning I finished Week 7 of the C25K! I am very proud as I feel like I could have run more after the walk at the end. PLUS, I had to get up at 5:15am to make it happen. That is really super early for me, but the new schedule is what it is. If I don't make sacrifices, I'll never get to my goal.

I didn't see my trainer this week as usual because with it being the first week of school, I wasn't real sure how my schedule would go. That and damn that gets expensive. I've learned so much from him that I'll probably go to every 2 weeks. Between my schedule and how expensive it is, that's just what I need to do if I'm also going to start those TKD classes like I want to.

Weigh in this am: 213.6

A loss of 1 pound. While this is below my average, I did lose 3 last week. I'm averaging 1.6 pounds per week. I might have lost more if it weren't for my sodium habit lately. But, oh well. Drink, drink the water and spend a lot of time in the BR.

On to other issues.....
So the following is not really that weight related, but they are things that are annoying me lately and I need to vent. My blog. You can always stop reading here.

Things that are peeving me:
1) People who drive around in circles trying to find the closest parking place at the gym: I'm not talking about legitimate old people or sick people or handicap people. I'm talking about yoga class taking skinny soccer moms and buff 20 somethings. Stop it. You are at the gym. For goodness sakes just freakin park already and get out of my way as my fat self needs to get in the gym.

2) Speaking of parking: Park in the dang lines. I mean really, how hard is it. Let me guess you people are the ones that never colored in the lines in kindergarten because you didn't want to "conform." Well, that's gonna get your dang car busted up. Conform that.

3)Skinny bitch that gave me that look yesterday in the gym locker room: Yes I go to the gym. Yes I'm fat. Yes I dress in the locker room. I really feel sorry for you. Being so insecure as to make yourself feel better by glaring at me and then, not having the guts to disrobe in my presence. Instead you took your clothes into the dressing room. Sad. I don't see the big deal anyway. It's not like that short short yoga pants and sports bra covered that much. Get some self esteem already.

4)Forms for school: Can someone please tell me why I have to fill out my name and address and phone number and other info for every one of my kid's teachers? Do these people not have a computer? Email? I'm sick of these dang forms. And since when does a first grader know how to sign a form? Geez.

5) Lack of planning on your part does not necessarily dictate it's an emergency on my part: nuff said.

6) People who try to gun it and beat me at stop lights: OK..... Dude. I drive a freakin Toyota mini van. Do you you really think that beating me by gunning your engine is that big of an accomplishment? Let me tell you, it doesn't qualify you for Nascar, buddy. Less testosterone please. AND, go on ahead since you're almost to that spot the cop always sits. Dumbass.

I feel better now. Thanks. Back to work...

Don't Practice Struggling...

Woke up this am again at 5:40. Got the kids up. Took Son to football. My daughter says, "The sun isn't even awake yet! Look there's the moon." It was a lovely full orange moon. I wanted to take a picture, but I was in a hurry and by the time I had time to stop, it was down too low. Maybe tomorrow.

At least they all had a good first day. My son is loving 7th grade so far. He has good teachers and friends in each class. He's in pre-AP classes for math, english, and science. His excited for band. He plays the french horn. He has his football coach for history and was really happy about that. That's the thing about my kiddo, he lacks my negativity gene. He is generally smiling and optimistic. I'm proud of that.

The girls did well. My first grader has class with several of her friends from last year. She was all pysched up for music class today. My little one was excited to go to her 2nd day of pre-K. At least we didn't have any crying or fits. Last night was another story. Stress of the first day and the fatigue combined in a fit of epic proportions last night at bath time. She didn't like the jammies I picked for her and all hell broke loose. I try to remain calm when this happens. I tend to keep my voice low and ignore it. Eventually she stopped, got in the bath and we moved on.

My eating yesterday was slim. I just wasn't hungry and I spent most of the day with a stomach ache. I think I was just tired. By the evening I'd only eaten like 400 calories. I had some soup and crackers for dinner. Then, around 8:30 I was hungry so I had some fruit and a few more crackers w/ laughing cow cheese. I ended up around 1000 calories for the day.

I went to the gym at lunch and spent 45min on the elliptical. It had been a week or so since I'd done it and it felt good. I'm a little sore from it today, but that's OK. I have weigh in tomorrow and though my weight is back down from yesterday, I know the sodium in the crackers I ate won't help. We'll see. Lots of water today and the scale will judge tomorrow.

A friend of mine posted this on her Facebook this morning: Never practice struggle. Why? Because you get good at struggling. It won't get easier for you. Usually, when you are struggling, you are not doing something quite right. When your technique is wrong, the harder you flail about, the less successful you are. Brute strength is not the answer - but changing your technique is.

I loved this and thought I would share it with all of you. How true is it that sometimes just changing one little thing in your routine will change your success? I think for years I practiced struggling with my weight. Instead of practicing MANAGING and CONTROLLING my weight. The harder I tried, the worse my weight got. It wasn't that I wasn't trying, I was just using the wrong technique.

For me this means, I was using the wrong mindset. I always thought if I lost my weight and I was thin, I could eat what I want. That meant to me that whatever I could do to get the weight off as fast as possible I would try. Then I would be "normal". WRONG.

I also thought losing weight was all about the food. What I could have, what I couldn't have. What plan I was on, points I could eat, what food I could take out of the box. BOY, I really struggled with food. I never even thought about or really looked at exercise as a component. Yeah, I'd do Jane Fonda for a few weeks. OR "Go for walks" which I would call more like strolls, once or twice a week. But, only while I was dieting and never consistently. WRONG.

Now, I've completely changed that technique. I eat real food in real life situations. I eat healthy stuff like tons of fruit and veggies. I limit junk food. in fact, drive thru has become a nasty word in my house. We don't eat crap. We just don't. When I do eat less healthy choices, it is rare and it is much less. Even my less healthy choices are better, such as my thin crust veggie only pizza instead of the pan crust meat lover of before.

And exercise is part of my daily routine. It's not, "Oh yeah, I really should walk but I just don't have time." or "I wish I had time to exercise." Its WHEN am I doing it today? And it's that same question day after day after day.

COMPLETELY different technique. And though there is much I still need to learn and a long way for me to go on my weight goals and my fitness ones, I am on the right path. And you know what? It feels sooooo good to stop struggling. I honestly don't feel like I have a "weight problem" any more. I have too much weight and I know how to get rid of it. Problem solved. It's only a matter of time now.

How's your technique these days? Have you been struggling? Maybe you need to change something up, if so, what?

I want to be a Bad-Ass!

Good Morning. It's Monday AND that means the first day of school here. Oh my. How I love and hate the first day of school. This year meant the first time I have 3 kids in 3 different schools. It's going to take some time to settle in to our new routine.

The new schedule means, Little Dude has to be at school at 6:30am for football practice. I know it's early, but I keep telling you people this is TEXAS. Even 7th grade ball is intense. I mean, this could determine his whole future. In fact, I wish they were practicing even earlier. Like 4:30 AND in the afternoon. There's no reason those kids can't do more.

OK. So I'm feeling a little sarcastic. On the bright side, he'll be getting way more than the recommended hour a day of physical exercise. He's already dropped some weight this summer. I'm not ready for him to grow up. He'll be 13 in only 3months. His face looks more like a little man than a boy now. And that voice. OMG. I hope it finds its way to a consistent tone soon. Poor kid. Sounds like a beginner trying to play the tuba. Deep squeak, Deep squeak.

Brother's new schedule means everyone is on a new schedule. Boy gets up, dresses for football, eats breakfast. Mom up and showers, dressed. Wake girls up. To which my middle child, the one who hates mornings said, "WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO EARLY?" I don't know. But it does. Drive brother to football. (there's no bus for athletics) Drive back home. Fix girls breakfast. My breakfast. Pack my lunch. Make up and hair. Get everyone's stuff in car. Miss B is in first grade this year. Take her to school. Pictures, what not. Take Little Bug to school. This is her first day of pre-K. She's never been in school before and she is excited and a little scared. She'll be great. Pictures, hugs. Mom drives to work. Realizes she's there lots earlier than last year. Wishes she had time for am gym. Have to work on that.

I like morning exercise. In fact, I work out most mornings. I'm going to have to figure out a way to do that, at least some days. I think that might mean getting up at the butt crack of dawn. I'm not much on the butt crack of dawn, but I'll see what I can do. Until then, it's to the gym at lunch.

Yesterday turned into a snacking sort of day. It was not as productive as I would have wished, but I did the "have to dos". Went out side in the evening to do some yard stuff and swim. This was cut short by spotty storms which decided to spot right on top of our house. Oh well. So back inside for baths, snacks, reading, brushing and bed. Yawn.

This am I realized that I didn't drink enough water and that showed on the scales as I was up 1.5 pounds. I didn't go over my calories, but this just shows you it's not just how much you eat, but WHAT you eat. I know it is water as I feel like a big bloated toad. It's OK. Back on track today. It'll come back down.

The kids Tae Kwon Do school is offering noon time classes for adults. I think I'm going to sign up. My first thought was, I'm too fat for that. And then I realized, I know half that stuff from helping the kids practice. I can do all that stuff if I can run and do push ups and sit ups and lift weights. Kicking and punching a bag will be cake. Besides, I'm tough and sometimes angry. This would be an excellent way to use both these things AND get some exercise.

I have visions of my fit, sweaty self in the TKD outfit (whatever it is they call it) bandanna around my head in fighting stance having just broken a brick with my foot. I'm a total Bad-ass in this fantasy. Like Angelina Jolie, but fatter. Could it be left over from all those Karate Kid movies of the 80s? I don't know, but it sounds like fun. If I can work it into my budget and my schedule, I'm going for it. Besides, BFF nearly has her black belt and I don't want her to keep holding it over my head that she could take me out if needed. Not scared of her BTW. My arms are way stronger than hers. And I still out weigh her, for now.

OK. I'm not really violent. Maybe I've watched too many movies and TV shows. Speaking of...we did some more TIVO cleaning yesterday and we've been catching up on Burn Notice. If I keep watching that show AND take TKD, I'll not only be able to kick some ass, but I'll be able to build surveillance equipment, escape from most any situation, and build weapons. Cool.

So what have you thought about doing, but haven't because of being overweight? What new activities are on your list to try?

Have a great day!

Friday Frustrations and Saturday Sensations

Yesterday was just plain annoying. I woke up in the morning thinking I would catch up on work before breakfast so I could be caught up and ready to work out at the gym at lunch. My arms were still sore, but I was looking forward to getting on the elliptical.

I made sure my bag was packed. I packed my snacks and fruit for the day. I ate my breakfast. All was right with the world. Coffe was hot, but not too hot. Drank my big glass of ice water on the way to work. Arrived at work ready to go. First patient doesn't show. Ok, time to catchup. Second patient is late. Great. No show turns into a late show. Then another patient brings her daughter with her and wonders if maybe I could squeeze her in too. Sure. No problem.

Then one of my very favorite patients tells me her sister got killed a few days ago in a car accident. Some idiot driving in the heavy rain down pour we had the other day hydroplaned and went airborne, crossed the median and struck her car where she and her husband had pulled over to be safe. She died instantly. Poor woman was distraught as her sister was her best friend. This lady is the nicest lady. She always brings my staff a baked good from home. She's German and every time she goes home she brings my kids back big bags of Gumme Baren (Gummy Bears) and other treats. She never leaves my office without asking how I am, how my kids are. She always has a smile on her face, even now that she's dealing with her husband's cancer. But this time she was crying and so sad and I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just sat and listened for a long time while she told me all about her sister's service and grandkids and such.

Some asshole down the hall gets pissed because I'm running late and starts yelling and then uses foul language w/ my staff. And I have to go down the hall and calm him down. There are 2 ways to handle this. Be confrontational and tell him I am sorry for being late, but I do not tolerate that kind of behavior in my office and ask him to leave. The alternative is much better. I just calmly sat down and told him I was so very sorry for running late and then made him feel like a complete ass by telling him why I was late. He ended up apologizing to me and my entire staff.

So I get done late and yet I was determined to go to the gym. Well, actually I almost talked myself out of it. But, I didn't. Got in the car and set off to make the 5 minute drive. It was hot. What else is new. Turned left onto the highway and DAMN IT! Construction BS. Shut down to 1 lane and took me 20 frickin' minutes to the turn. By the time I get in the gym, change clothes, get upstairs I'd have about 15 minutes before I had to leave to get in the shower to go back to work. That's a no go. So instead of the gym I went to the yogurt place. It was supposed to be my reward for working out.

The deal was if I ate the yogurt I would work out after work. So the afternoon turned into hell, didn't get done until later than I had planned. Got call from the Nanny, youngest has a fever. Frack. She got 5 shots day before for her preschool. No go AGAIN with the gym. And when I get home, little miss wants me to hold her so no getting to work out. Not even a swim. Whatever. There are more important things.

Husband wants Chinese. Otherwise known as The Sodium King of Food. I did well and ordered plain stir fry chicken and veggies, no sauce. Well done. Then got a craving for chocolate, ate low fat frozen yogurt which put me just under my budget by 7 calories. Hey, but it's under.

Woke up this am and was off to the park to do my weekend 5K by 8:15am. I was excited after how well I did on Wednesday and planned to try to run the whole time. It was already 86 degrees. But, a nice breeze. Did the C25K Week 7 Day 2. Did 3.6 miles, 3 laps on the trail. It was hard this time. Damned hard. There was no way I was running the whole 5K. I sure am glad I didn't work out yesterday. Otherwise I would have never been able to do even that 25 minute run. I think I didn't drink enough water yesterday and it bit me in the ass. Literally. No I mean like my ass hurt so bad and my legs were so tight.

You runners out there can explain to me why sometimes I run and it's like I'm on fire (well at my size, maybe more like really hot soup). Others my legs are tight and I feel like I'm running in quick sand. I had to tell myself to keep going. I had to force one leg in front of the other. On the bright side, there was this really nice man on the trail who told me I was doing great and to keep going every time he lapped me. I've seen him there before. He's an older guy, probably late 50s or early 60s and looks like he's been running a long time.

So I get home and I'm starved. Whip up some egg white omelets for me and the husband. That and light wheat toast with the sweet potato butter I got last week at the Farmer's Market. It was yummy and only 20 calories per tablespoon. Then husband and I spent the morning doing the very important job of cleaning off the TIVO. Caught up on True Blood, Rescue Me and Entourage.

Then we decided we didn't want to do anything today. Husband worked late every night last week and then did more work after dinner. He's been so busy and we both needed a lazy day. So we took one. After TIVO, we watched a couple of movies-Transporter 3 and Inglorious Basterds. Nothing makes me happier than a movie with fast cars and bad guys getting their butts kicked by Jason Statham. The other movie was slow and long and very disappointing for the most part, especially for Quentin Tarantino. The story is not too bad and the acting decent, just too long.

Tonight we went for a swim and it was nice, but hot. Tomorrow I'll have to make up for our lazy day with housework and yard work and final preparations before school which starts on Monday.

But, for now, I'm happy with my lazy, hazy summer day. Son's at a last fling party at a friend's. I feel very non-productive except that I ran/walked 5 K today. And I learned that my resting heart rate is now 60-65. Smile. My heart likes all this exercise.

How was your Saturday? How do you push through when you hit THE WALL during exercise?

Hello! My Name is Dr.Fatty and I'm a Negative-holic.

Here's the deal. I'm new to blogging. I'm new to weight loss. I'm doing really well so far. I know that. I do. But, I've had years and years and years of practice at negativity. As far as learning to be positive goes, I am an infant.

Some people are glass half-full people. Some people are glass half-empty people. Me, I'm a -why bother to look because I probably don't even have a glass anyway and if I do it's not as nice as yours because I'm such a loser-person. I think, no, I know it has everything to do with my brain chemistry. My mom is chronically depressed, maybe bipolar. My dad is...well...undiagnosed, but likely paranoid narcissistic personality disorder and bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies. So you can imagine why I might have issues.

I can remember being 8 or 9 years old and just lying on the sofa crying all day for no reason. People would ask me what was wrong and I'd say, "I don't know. I'm just so sad." Geez. That's depressing. Then as I approached my teen years it got worse of course. Add it up: teen angst + obesity + no self esteem + genetic tendency for depression = recipe for disaster.

All my life people would tell me how pretty my face was or my eyes or my hair. I never new how to take a compliment. I always heard my Dad's voice, "You'd be so pretty if you'd only lose weight." Which always meant to me that I wouldn't be pretty UNTIL I lost weight.

When I was 14 I left a very small rural school to go to high school in town. I was terrified. The only thing I clung to was that I was smart and I could sing. I might be uglier and fatter and poorer than all those people, but I was smarter and I had a good voice.

In high school, I met my best friend. We are alike but different in so many ways. She is a glass half full person. She is one reason I started to see myself differently. She and I became everyone's funny fat friend. We were friends with all the different groups from jocks and cheerleaders to theater types to nerds. I began to come out of my shell. Have fun.

In college, I started getting attention from boys and making new friends. I was smart and I was funny and people always wanted to sit by me. Then I met my husband and my life changed forever for the better. But my brain and thoughts lagged behind. Inside I was always seeing the down side, always looking for the disappointment. Always thinking, "yeah, but..."

That's when I started noticing my inner voices I always talk about. Most of the time my natural inclination is something like Eeyore. That's right Eeyore is one of the voices in my head. "Why bother. Oh well." But somewhere along the way I found my inner cheerleader. "You are worth it. You can do this. You are beautiful no matter what you look like. You have much to offer others. You are a good person."

But, I have anger issues sometimes. That's right, it's angry Eeyore in my head. Unfortunately all that anger is turned inward. "You are so fat and stupid. You can't do anything right. You'll never be anything." To survive sometimes my inner cheerleader turns into bitchy head cheerleader from high school, "At least you aren't THAT fat. Look at HER."

But I don't like being that way, withdrawn and scared of the world, grumpy and dark and negative. I'd much rather be happy and positive. But, for me it doesn't come naturally. Some days I wake up with a smile and it feels great. Others I wish I didn't wake up at all. Sad, but the brutal truth. There have been times when I've been suicidal. Not for a very, very long time. So, I know what the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness can do to you. I've worked very hard to overcome that.

When I'm at work I have to be understanding and up beat and empathetic. I'm good at it and I enjoy it. But, it is work for me. Sometimes I feel like I have to be "on" all the time. With my natural tendency toward being alone and mopey, you'd think I'd have been a radiologist. My inner Eeyore has caused problems with my relationships. People don't always understand when you are quiet and want to be left alone.

Since I've started down this path to wellness, I find it gets easier and easier. It is absolutely amazing to me how much I am changing. The longer I think good thoughts, the more I WANT to think good thoughts. The longer I eat good foods, the more I WANT to eat good foods. The more I achieve with exercise, the more I WANT to exercise. And realizing all this just makes me want to do more and more.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to rid myself of little Eeyore. That's where I get my snarky sense of humor. And I don't think there's anything wrong with being happy by yourself from time to time. I just want to rid myself of the self doubt, and victim mentality. The self hate and anger. The only way I can do that is to recognize it, talk about it, see where it's coming from.

All of you here in bloggerville are playing a critical role in this transformation of mine from less Eeyore to more Tigger. I never imagined how good it would feel knowing you were out there cheering for me. That I could complain and you'd understand. That I could brag and you would be proud of me. That we are all on the same team here. Fat people, thin people-- just plain people trying to get better, better in mind, spirit and body. So for that I thank you. And if you see that angry Eeyore me sneak its way into my writing in blogs or comments, try to remember its about me, not you. Feel free to call me on it.

What about you? Are you a half full person? Are you naturally optimistic? If not, how to you battle it? If so, how do you stay that way when faced with challenges?

TTFN...Ta ta for now!

A new one on me.

I've had a great week and a hard week. I had great results on my weight this week. I've been so inspired by the support and comments on the posts I've made. I got all kinds of new followers, thanks! I have been fortunate enough to find some more amazing people to follow on their blogs and try to emulate. Like mid_life swimmer over at Swimming it Off. She did a freakin' triathalon baby! And she's not at her goal weight, not yet. She's my size. AND my AGE. All I can say is WOW. I have a new goal.

I'm tired this week. Not sleeping very well or much for a variety of reasons. It is weighing on me and my attitude. I've had a migraine all week and it got really bad yesterday. I was nauseated and half sick all day with it. Trying to work and having trouble focusing and staying on track. Not too good in my business. I was taking all my meds, it wasn't helping. I gave in and had 8 oz of Coke (Coca Cola, that is). Sometimes it's the only thing that helps. When I have these bad ones, I just get queasy. The meds make it worse. I used to try to eat my way through them. I'd feed them with chocolate and sugar and whatever. Doesn't help. Makes em worse. I know that, but did it anyway.

This is really the first bad episode I've had in a while. I think it was set off by the multiple storm fronts we've had move through this week. Not complaining. We need the rain and the cool down. But, weather change is a trigger and now I'm struggling. You know what's weird? I haven't felt good the last 2 days, but I've kept up my exercise and I have no appetite. Do you understand what I just said?

I hope so, cause I don't. Before March 22, the day I began in earnest on this road to wellness, I always responded to not feeling well by eating. Always. Whether for physical or emotional comfort, I had certain foods I ate when I felt certain ways. Cold or fever=chicken noodle soup and crackers. PMS=Coke and Chocolate. Upset stomach=toast. Tired=caffeine and sugar. Happy=everything and anything. Bored=chips straight out of the bag. Sad=ice cream sundaes or fresh cookies out of the oven w/ cold milk.

I've never understood when a patient tells me "I just don't feel like eating. I have no appetite". What? I could always eat. Always. I was never not hungry. Now, that has completely changed. Guess that shows me how much eating I was doing because of how I felt EMOTIONALLY about being sick not how I felt PHYSICALLY.

When I have these headaches, water tastes putrid. Really yucky. Not good since I've already figured out dehydration makes them worse. I tried lemon in the water, crystal lite mix. Not working. Last night I was at the end of my rope. My daughter tested for her big kid orange belt in TKD. She did very well. So now she'll graduate from Little Tiger to "real" TKD. Insert Mommy pride here.

After, the kids are starving and hyper and loud. It's hot out, the sun is glaring, my head is pounding, husband's out of town and I got a telecon meeting in 30 minutes. The only thing to do was drive thru. I took them to Chick-Fil-A, at least they have some decent choices there. I got a sandwich. It's really the only thing I felt I could stomach. And an ice cream. Again, it just sounded like something I could eat. All I'd had at lunch was part of a yogurt cup and an 1/8th of a sandwich. No snacks. Nothing. I also got a small coke, drank 1/2. Felt a little guilty, but not much. Even with all that I only ate 1300 calories and I burned nearly 600 with my exercise. After I ate the ice cream and the sandwich, I did finally feel a little better.

Today, I'm better, but it's still there and I wasn't hungry. Didn't work out today. No sleep + migraine +sore from long run yesterday + sore from heavy duty upper body and ab workout on Tuesday= day of rest, apparently. I had planned to swim tonight, but again with the storms.

I just felt weird about the choices I made yesterday, but it's not like I had a binge and I honestly didn't feel good. The Coke drinking is a big one. I've had MAYBE 3 since March 22. There's a reason. I can't drink just one. Can't. I'm an addict. If I have one, I want more. Every. Single. Time. Today, even with the headache better I wanted one. My inner weak side tried to convince my inner strong side that I should have one since I didn't feel good and all. But, water didn't taste bad today. I just kept drinking and drinking and after about 5 32 oz cups today, I do finally feel better. The craving is over.

Sometimes my desire has been so strong for a soda that just driving by a billboard will trigger the craving. Thank god I never tried heroin. Can you imagine?

But, overall this week I had a new experience. I don't know if it's a NSV or not. Not having an appetite. Having to make myself eat. Never happened before. It's a new one on me. In a weird way I like it. I think that this is another sign that my feelings about food are really forever changed. I used to go through the whole day just thinking about food. I'd wake up and think, "What sounds good for breakfast?" An hour later, I'd be thinking about lunch. Sometimes as I was eating lunch, I would think about what food sounded good to eat at dinner. Did I even taste what I had in my mouth? I'd say things like, "I'm hungry, but I don't know what I want." BOY is that ever true and symbolic.

Now I realize how profound that statement was. Always looking for something to make me feel....something. It's nice that I'm finally figuring out that what I was hungry for wasn't food AT ALL. No wonder I was never full. I was hungry for feeling good about myself. Hungry for the acceptance of a father that I won't ever get. Hungry for self love and respect. Hungry for exercise and fitness goals. Hungry for the ME that I wished I could be. And now I'm finally on the way to satisfying that hunger once and for all.

Anybody else have this strange experience? Are you satisfying your REAL hungers?

Maybe I Shouldn't, but I Did

I've been thinking a lot the last couple of days about a post from a blogger which was critical of one of my posts. If you have been reading my blog, you know the one. If not, please read it now.

I know I shouldn't worry about it. I know I didn't mean my post the way some people took it. I know this person probably only read the one day and has no idea who I really am. But, it just bothers me that there may be others out there that feel the same way about me. I just don't think it's fair to be judged on one post. I don't think it's fair to have all their readers judging me on what this person wrote ABOUT me and their interpretation of me and what I wrote.

I know part of this is that self doubt issue I was talking about earlier. I know part is the little fat girl in me wanting approval that worries about people not liking her. But, a lot of it is the physician in me that wants to make sure that the facts are not lost here. I really want people to understand why I posted that rant AND what it is really about.

It was not about trashing people who've had or will have or want to have or NEED to have WLS. What educated self-respecting physician would? What decent person would? It was not about trashing people who struggle with making the right choices. We all have. I have. That post was about pointing out the fallacies in the thought processes I was seeing in some blogs. Am STILL seeing. SOME were by WLS people, SOME weren't. There are some bloggers out there that I am just going to stop reading because they clearly don't get IT....yet. And that's ok. We've all been where we don't get IT or we wouldn't be obese. I hope they get it and soon. I wish everyone success here.

Hell, my job every single day is to try to make people feel better, live healthier. It goes against everything I am and stand for to try to stand in someone's way or make them fail or doubt themselves or be their "6 foot tall, buck-toothed, horror-film style bunny" that "jumped out from behind the bushes and just SWALLOWED ME (them) WHOLE." The fact that someone took my words which were really more about how I was feeling at the time than anything and turned them into some kind of attack just confuses me and frankly hurts my feelings.

My post, that rant, came out of frustration with this drive in me to help people who say they want help, but won't accept it. OR who won't even admit to themselves they need help. OR when given help and the tools, won't use them and help themselves. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is for me? Probably not. It is especially frustrating now that I've finally gotten IT. I see through all their excuses and rationalizing because I've used them all myself. I just want them to stop hurting themselves, that's all. I want them to understand. To be ready to change. To show them the light.

But you can't make them change. You can't MAKE someone get IT. I know this. I do. And I'm OK with people who aren't ready yet. I don't judge them. I'VE BEEN THEM!! It's the people that say they're ready to change, but when it gets down to the work part, you find out they don't mean it because they won't do the work.

And let me be clear, my statements about everyone needing to make healthy food choices (banded or not) and get regular exercise is not OPINION. Surely everyone knows that, right? I want to give you some information. This is medical information, not advice. Sometimes I worry about some of the stuff I read. Some of the things people say out here in bloggerville are just either wrong or misinformed. I'm not trying to hurt anyone. I'm not trying to win an argument. I just want to help. I'm not going to name names or call them out the way this other person did to me. Most of these things all go back to the fact that you have to work on the mental aspects of this journey to really be successful. I'm sorry, but you do.

Somewhere I read that one of the "banders" said their surgeon didn't even want her to diet because that's how she got to be 350 pounds in the first place. As a physician, I'm pretty used to patients having selective hearing. Sometimes people only hear what they want. (All married women know this already, btw.) This really worried me. I am 99% certain that no reputable surgeon would tell their patient not to worry about eating healthy foods. I am 99% certain that no bariatric surgeon would tell a patient they can eat whatever they want and as long as it is smaller portions, they'll lose weight. I am 100% certain that following a diet did not make someone 350 pounds. What makes someone gain that much weight is not being able to follow a diet long term. Not being able to say no to certain foods. Not exercising regularly.

I'm not judging that person or ANY person for being obese. I'm one of you. But the facts are these: You can't just eat whatever you want. You can't. I'm sorry. Not all the time anyway. Not even most of the time. Not even if it's just a little bit because you have a band. Why? Because it just isn't good for your body.

I am pretty darned sure that what that surgeon meant was that "diets" don't work, not that you shouldn't worry about what you are putting in your body. There was a lovely post today on that word. It's all about how you view your eating. I hope that surgeon was trying to get across the need for a change in ATTITUDE regarding food.

If your surgeon says don't worry about it, eat what you want or that with the band you can eat like a "normal person", find another surgeon. They aren't doing you any favors. What we think of as eating like a "normal person" is not necessarily the healthiest way of eating. I have plenty of skinny patients who eat like shit and end up with heart attacks.

If you have the band or not, eating things like cheeseburgers or french fries or cake or ice cream or bacon on a regular basis isn't good for you. It's not whether weight is an issue or not. Am I saying you can never ever have these foods? No. But they should be rare treats. Period. And banders who eat this way are not only endangering their weight loss, but their overall health. If all you can eat is a little bit and what you choose to eat is 1 McNugget, 4 fries and a 1/4 of a shake, you are hurting yourself. You might lose weight for a while because your overall calories are down. But these foods have no nutritional value, or at least very little. That leads to metabolic changes and changes in your brain chemistry. These changes slow your metabolism and make your brain send out signals that you want and need more of these bad foods. Over time it can cause nutritional deficits that lead to serious health issues.

This is not opinion. It is science. Telling me: I don't like veggies. I don't like fruit. I don't like fish. I don't have time to cook. I don't know how to eat healthy. I can't afford healthy foods. It's just hard for me to give up the things I like so much. Doesn't change the facts. If you want to be healthy and keep the weight off forever, you have to do eat healthy things.

And exercise.

It is not my opinion that exercise is necessary to long term health. It is scientifically proven. Having the band you may be able to lose weight for a while and let this slide because your intake is so reduced, but that doesn't make it OK. Multiple studies have shown cardiovascular benefit with reduction of incidence in heart attacks and stroke in patients who exercise regularly, with or without weight loss. The American Heart Association says that the level of exercise needed to see this benefit is at LEAST 20 minutes 3 times weekly. Here are specifics:
From the AHA:
Do moderately intense cardio 30 minutes a day, five days a week
Or
Do vigorously intense cardio 20 minutes a day, 3 days a week
And
Do eight to 10 strength-training exercises, eight to 12 repetitions of each exercise twice a week.

Moderate-intensity physical activity means working hard enough to raise your heart rate and break a sweat, yet still being able to carry on a conversation. It should be noted that to lose weight or maintain weight loss, 60 to 90 minutes of physical activity may be necessary. The 30-minute recommendation is for the average healthy adult to maintain health and reduce the risk for chronic disease.


This stuff is a culmination of many research studies. These guidelines are put together by some of the leading minds in science, the best physicians in the country.

So....if you want to lose weight and keep it off, you really really need to exercise. Band or no band. That may mean you have to turn off True blood or hey, how about instead of watching Biggest Loser, you turn the TV off and workout. Or even workout WHILE watching TV. I love TV. I don't want to miss my shows either. That's what TIVO is for. The fact is I've finally realized that I'll give up whatever it takes to see my grandkids grow up. Will you?

It's not ALL about the scale or what size I wear.

When I read on blogs things like: I can't afford a gym. My gym is too far away. It's too hot to exercise. My knees/back/joints hurt when I exercise. I don't like exercise. I'm just not athletic. I don't have time. I'm so tired when I get home from work. I can't exercise at home, I need my home to be my sanctuary. I don't want to get a treadmill or bike or whatever at home because I don't want to be one of those people who has one, but never uses it. I feel silly exercising. I'm too embarrassed to walk outside. I bought these new shaper shoes for running so when I start running it will be even better. I'm only going to exercise 2 times a week because I know that's all I'll do forever and I don't want to give up and just stop all together. I'll get started now that the kids are in school.

It just makes me nutso. I hear this all the time from patients. All. The. Time. Exercise is not easy. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it's no fun. But you need to do it. NO you HAVE to.
I stole this from my fellow MD over at Writing to Wellness...


I can't say it any plainer than that. This is now posted in my exam rooms at the office. I do not expect everyone to join a gym. I do not expect everyone to get a trainer. I do not expect everyone to lift weights or do push ups or 5Ks or DVDs or buy a Wii fit. I do expect everyone to move somehow. Yoga, walking, swimming, biking, zumba, dance naked to your favorite Billy Joel song. I don't care, but move EVERY DAY. It is absolutely necessary to your survival.

As I posted earlier, I've come a long way. I've got a long way to go. There is still self doubt at times. There are times when I falter. There are times I feel frustrated. But there are never times when I want to quit. There aren't times where I make excuses to myself or others. I hope not anyway. I personally need good examples and support from people who are doing IT. I feel sorry for people who don't get IT.

And my friends that are really making changes and trying and pushing themselves to be healthy, even when it's hard, even when they don't want to, I will be here for you to cheer you on in your successes and lift you up if you stumble. But, if you start down the road of denial and self-deception, I care enough about you to point it out. Even at the risk of making you mad. I expect the same from you.

Sorry this was so long. I feel better now. Good night.

Wednesday Weigh In. And Coming out of the Closet

Woke up this morning and MAN do my arms hurt. Ouch. See yesterday's post for why if you haven't read it. But, in short: I DID CHIN UPS! I had planned to get up and do C25K Week 7 day 1 today. I didn't want to at first, then I realized that making a commitment to myself is just as important, no MORE important, than any of the other tons of things I needed to get done. So upstairs I went to the treadmill.

Thanks to my friend Shelley and her helpful review of sports bras, I donned my new Moving Comfort Maia. I know you guys don't get this, but it's really hard to find something comfortable and functional. She didn't miss the mark on that review because it is by far the best one I've ever had. I'll be ordering a few more and tossing the others. Thanks, Shelley!

I completed my workout, which was basically 5 min walk, 25 min run, 5 min walk and then kept on walking. I did a total of 1 hour, 2.6 miles, then stretches. Then came the moment of truth. I got tickled at Christine's post today talking about people who only weigh once a week and have that kind of restraint. I'm not one of those. I weigh too often, but I only count my official once a week weight on Wednesdays.

So without further adieu, the results: 214.6

That's a loss of 3 pounds and brings my total loss to 35.4 pounds. I honestly couldn't believe it. I got off and back on the scale multiple times,but it was the same every time. Then I took my measurements. I've lost a total of 24.25 inches overall since June 10th. Perhaps this is why I nearly lost my workout shorts in the gym yesterday when I stood up from my sit ups?

I am ecstatic. I am proud. I am in shock. I am tentative. I am in awe of myself. I am worried it's a dream and I'll wake up to find it's not true. I am determined to keep going. I've never lost this much weight before at one time. Not ever. I am 3.6 pounds from my first goal of 212 pounds. My lowest weight in the last 11 years. My LoseIt program says I'll reach that goal by August 28th. That's like 10 days. UN. Real.

It also says I can reach my next goal of 199 pounds by October 12th. Holy shit. I'm really doing this thing. I haven't been under 200 pounds since my freshman year of college and that was only for a few months. I was a size 14. I thought I was fat.

I hope you understand when I say I'm in shock. I hope you understand when I say I'm afraid. I've tried so many times. So. Many. Times. I've lost the same 20 pounds probably 50 times in my 40 years. No joke. And while I feel in my soul this time is different, I still battle the self doubt. Don't get me wrong, I'm winning. I'm kicking it's ass! But, it's there. Thus the constant weighing and weighing 10 times in a row.

I share this so you know. If you're new to this very real and permanent change, and if you feel like this, you can beat it just like me. Don't be me my last 20 diets. Don't get 3 weeks in and quit because of 1 candy bar or 1 cookie or 20 cookies for that matter. Keep going. It's worth it. Wow. What my weight loss rock star idols must feel like losing 100, 150, 200, 272 pounds. You know who you are. I just have a teensy winsy glimpse of it. I like it. Smile.

So I came out of the closet last night to my hubbie. NOT THAT CLOSET! The one where I was keeping my blog. I just felt funny blogging and reading all these blogs without him knowing. He'd ask what I was doing and I'd say, "Oh just reading those weight loss blogs I told you about." Now he knows I have one also. I showed it to him. I showed him I had 47 (now 50! Thank you!!) Followers. I told him about my favorite commenters and why I liked each one. He said my blog was cool and that he thought I'd done a good job setting it up. I told him he didn't have to read it, but could if he wanted to. I told him I hadn't told anyone else but him. He made me feel proud about it and a little silly for not telling him sooner. What was I worried about?

And now....I'll wrap up with a sports rant. My non-sports geek fanatic readers might want to stop here. I warned you a few posts ago that football would sneak it's way in here. FOOTBALL IS HERE!!! OMG I love that game. I soooo wish I'd been a boy and could've played. One of my dreams is to be fit enough to join an adult flag league some day. I am so so so so happy to have my football back. Can't wait for my team's first game, Labor day Weekend. THE SOONERS! Boomer! I love the excitement in the stadium. I love being with other fans. I love kicking the other team's butt. I love losing and look forward to trying again next game. Well.....ok I HATE losing. BUT I LOVE THAT GAME!

These guys, these athletes are amazing. I can only dream of doing a 1/3 of what they can do. Hainesworth's fitness test he kept failing...I wish I could fail like he did. I watch ESPN when I workout all the time. It motivates me. These guys are naturally talented, but if you think for 1 minute that they don't WORK hard you haven't payed attention. I use this as motivation in my own workouts.

Favre is 40 and gonna do his 20th season. Rock on brother! Whether you love him or hate him, gotta respect that ability. At 40 I'd give anything to experience that for just one day. Get off his back, you're just jealous. If he doesn't want to go to camp, I get it. Twenty years of abusing his body and he earns skipping camp. He wants to save what he has left for the game he loves, REALLY loves. You cannot blame him for that.

OK, done now. Are there people in your life you use as motivation to push yourself harder? How has the scale been treating you lately? Are you getting where you want to be or falling short? Are you kicking self doubt's ass today?

Keeping my Chin Up...

Here I am with another exciting edition of my blog. Hopefully I can keep it down to just one of my various personalities speaking out today. Just kidding. Yesterday's post about my "voices" in my head was super fun and I just think it's important for us to pay attention to the crap we tell ourselves all day long.

Today I wanted to start off by saying thank you to Sean for the very kind mention in his blog the other day. I have been so inspired by his story. I've started giving his blog out to patients who need a little motivation. If you don't read his blog, and I find it hard to believe that anyone out here in bloggerville doesn't, you HAVE to now. He recommends reading from the beginning and I totally agree. I've almost got it all read now. A-Maz-Ing.

Also to Christine for saying I inspired her on a post this week. How kind. She is so nice and has been helpful to me. Knowing that I might have helped her feels great. If you don't read her. Start. And I agree with Shane, who is relatively new to all this that we're here to help each other. To inspire each other. And so many of you do that for me. He must have read my mind because just today I started a list of quotes which have been speaking to me. Some from blogs, others not. I'm planning a post on those at some point.

Yesterday, I ended with the yelling coach inside me stating that I'd bought myself a two-a-day. And I woke up this morning, determined to do it. I noticed on my log that my exercise numbers while still good, were down from where they were. Part of that is due to the "elbow incident". I realized I haven't done a push up in a week. Hummph. This morning I woke up and was soooo tired. Mainly because I was up all night with various interruptions.

I went to bed late, I was hyper for some reason. Maybe because I didn't exercise yesterday? Tsk. Tsk. Power was out for about an hour. It's hot here. Did I mention that? PLUS the beep beep beep of the battery backup on our various electronic devices. This is what happens when you marry a computer geek. (And thank goodness I did! I loves me some TIVO and what not. Love you hunny)

Then it started with the, "Mommy I had a bad dream." Over and Over again one or the other of my daughters (4 and 6) were in my room. Until the last week, they had been crawling into our bed uninvited. Then they had been sneaking in and sleeping on the floor. We're trying to get them used to sleeping in their own beds again before school next week. They did great until...vacation and then illnesses which led to the lapse. Tonight we had a long talk about sleeping like big girls. Parenting is just plain hard.

Anyway, so I woke up and trotted, okay dragged, up the stairs to my bike. I rode nearly 7 miles on one of the harder programs. Felt so good. I hadn't ridden since last week. I was sweaty. Really sweaty. I stopped there knowing I had an appointment with the trainer at noon and did my stretching. Legs just now recovered from that massive meany leg workout with the trainer on Thursday.

Breakfast was a Jimmy Dean d'lite sandwich. I was running late post-no sleep. They're pretty good if you haven't tried them. Only 260 cals 8g fat. That and my coffee and I was good. Had a snack on the way to the gym, string cheese and big ole Sooner cup filled with water. Yumm. Good idea to hydrate prior to training. My trainer kicks my butt. He'd better. That's what I pay him for.

Son joined me again this time. His last one before school. He'll be getting plenty of workouts with football. Has 2 hour workouts before school every day! He's in 7th grade. This is Texas people. Football aint for sissies. I'm so proud of him for wanting to do that. I didn't do sports, girls didn't as much way back in my day. I'm old. None of my cousins played ball. Pretty much running was punishment. I would've rather gotten spanked.

The trainer had an upper body and ab/core day planned today. Yippee. Fun. After my elliptical warm up, I was ready to go. So the first thing he says is,"Today we'll start with chin ups" Ha ha ha ha! I know, right? Ha ha ha.... See it's still funny. And he said it without grinning. He's good. I have not even attempted a chin up since 5th grade when they make you do those for that damned president fitness whatever the hell. I'm pretty sure I couldn't do it then either.

So he walks over to this giant machine contraption, which btw I'm almost too short to climb up on. I must have been looking at him like he was from Mars or other much hotter place, because he told me to, "just give it a try." Then he hit me with the motivational, "Come on, Ann. You can do this. Think of all the other things you've done that you never thought you could." Oh. All right. You had me at "Come on."

So I, yes me the fat over 40 woman, climb up on this thing and then proceed to FREAKIN DO FIFTEEN CHIN UPS!!! Oh hell yeah! In fact, young and buff jock-type dude couldn't use the machine because I WAS ON IT. Take that.

Granted, it is a counter balance weight pulley thingy which my physics major husband could explain way better than me. BUT. I. Did. It. He had the weight set on 85 pounds the first set. This means I was actually lifting 132 pounds of my weight. Wow. AND. I just realized, just now, that that is what I'll feel like doing one when I'm over a 100 pounds lighter and almost to goal. Wow, again.

So here's how the rest of the workout rounded out:
First Circuit: Rotating through each one 3 times each
1) Chin ups: 15, 15, 12
2) Dips (like reverse push ups?): 15, 15, 12
3) Military shoulder press, 30#: 15, 15, 12
4) V-ups or supine jackknifes with 7.5 pound weight: 20 x3

Second Circuit:Rotating through each one twice
5) Bicep burnouts: Yep as bad as it sounds. 30# weight x 10, 20# weight x10, 10# weight x20. It burns. Apparently this is supposed to "cut my muscle" or give me more cut or...well it's supposed to be good. It better be.
6)Close grip chest press: 30 pound bar, x20
7)Bench leg raises holding the 30# bar x20
8)Shoulder rotations: 7.5# weight and hold it through complete backstroke, like swimming x10 each arm

Last circuit:
1)Ball situps: 4# medicine ball, sit up, holding ball, throw it and catch at top x20
2) Standing rows with bands red and green together: 40 reps x 2

Yep. It was hard, but how powerful do I feel saying I did all that? Lunch was the ham sandwich wrap I had packed this am and another string cheese. Then, left over tomato salad from night before and a new treat, Motts flavored applesauce with fiber. I love love the cran-raspberry I had today, only 60 cals. AND the pomegranate is super good also. Lunch topped out at 508 cals, which is more than usual, but I burned over 600 during my workout.

Dinner was pasta cooked by our nanny. She's Italian, what can I say. I had 1 cup whole wheat spaghetti, 1/2 cup sauce and some steamed veggies. Also finished up the zucchini from Sunday. I was stuffed after and I am still full, even though talking about all this food got me thinking of snacks just now. (Not gonna happen. Forget about it) My calories finished at 1379, minus the 882 I burned working out today. Awesome.

Tomorrow is my official weigh in day. I'm hoping to see a loss and should assuming the scale trends the way it has been. I plan a C25K run tomorrow. Starting week 7, that's 25 min runs, no walking. I added some new, "angry running" music so I am looking forward to it even if I have to use the treadmill this time. No childcare in the am. For some reason people frown on you leaving your kids alone at 6 am. Who knew? I haven't done a long run on the treadmill. We'll see how it goes. Never know till I try, right?

So what have you done lately that has made you feel strong and powerful, physically or mentally? Any new fitness goals on the horizon? Tried anything new lately?

I hear weird people.....

Today was a pretty good day. For a Monday. I woke up later than I wanted and in no mood to exercise. None. Zero. Nada. Zip. Well, you get the idea. So, I didn't. Nice, right? I was in a great mood. I had a smile on my face. I was tired, but not overly. I think I had a little rebellious moment where I was like, "I don't have to. You can't make me." I swear there's a four year old living in my brain!

I went to work with the idea that I would work out at lunch. Go to the gym. You know, the whole nine yards. Didn't happen. Why? Well...I could say it was because I ran late in clinic, 'cause I did. I could say it was because I had a migraine, 'cause I did. But, Really I think the 4 year old struck again. I swear I heard, "Nanny nanny boo boo!" in my brain about 1:30pm when it was clear there was no time for the gym.

We had some storm systems move through this afternoon. Of course we got no rain and no relief from the hideous heat. I also have a barometer in my brain. I knew at least 1 hour prior to the grunting of the National Weather Service notice on the radio that storms were in the area. I had a migraine. Big one. Which gave me an excuse not to exercise this evening. Can't swim if there are storms in the area, right?

While I didn't succeed on the exercise front, I did pretty well for food. Look at the crapola that made it's way into the office:






That's right. Birthday Cake. Two kinds of cupcakes. Fruit pizza cookie thing. Brownies. I didn't even take a picture of the enchiladas and fajitas and tortilla chips and dips that came in at lunch. Unbelievable. But, what's more unbelievable is that I DIDN'T WANT ANY OF IT. None. Wasn't even tempted. Didn't take one bite. Ha! Take that bratty 4 year old in my head.

At 1:30pm when I realized I wasn't making it to the gym, seeing as how I see my first afternoon patient at 2:15pm, I decided to run to Wal Mart for that 1 thing I didn't get at Target for back to school on Sunday.(Grrr! Stupid school supply lists) I drank a large glass of water in the car on the way. I ate my yogurt for snack about 12, but I was starting to get hungry. What to do? I decided that it was hot. No I mean REALLY hot. Freakin 17th day in a ROW OVER A HUNDRED DEGREES, BTW.... it is ridiculous and I really need to find out exactly where to file my complaint. I mean COME ON!!! Our pool is like 93 degrees. I can't even cool off. I can't WAIT to see the electric bill for this month. Stupid weather guy has it stupid over 100 stupid degrees for the next stupid 7 days and he THINKS WE'LL break a RECORD before the end of the summer. He says with a stupid grin on his stupid face. Ahhhhhhhh! Holy Crap!

Sorry....deep breaths....sigh...count to 10...remind myself the weather guy doesn't control the weather.....let it go....anger management....Well, He doesn't have to be so Damned HAPPY about it.......

Fine. I'm fine now.

Anyway. So I was a little warm after my trek to Wal-Mart and I realized that my fav frozen yogurt shop is just down the block. Cue light bulb over my head. I went in and had my sugar-free, fat-free, strawberry-banana with fresh berries on top-243 calories and happy cooled off me. Smile.

Late afternoon I ate my oatmeal muffin for snack, 112 calories. Then by the end of the day, migraine returns. Cue nausea. Thanks, cause I don't need to be pigging out and I don't plan on exercising now. Day's over, right? So a small bowl of soup and small salad=362 calories, with grapes for dessert=60 calories. Wraps up my day at 1,115 calories. 96 ounces of water. No exercise.

"Guess what football fanatic? It's TWO A DAY season! AND that bratty kid in your head just bought you one for tomorrow. Now go to bed so I can beat the heck outta you in the am." Says the evil screaming, scary coach in my brain. Somewhere there's a place where a normal combo of the two live. I hope. Sure is crowded in there. Oh well.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who hears voices like this in their head. Please. Seriously.....you hear it too, right?

Weekends Are Never Long Enough!

Well, here we are. Another Monday. Yippee. Sorry if I sound less than excited, but I just feel like there's never enough time and too much to do. Always. I am in a good mood, well...for a Monday.

We had a good weekend overall. On the diet front, I did well having maintained according to the scale. This in itself is a victory as I have a tendency to creep up a little every week and spend the next few trying to get it back down. I'm pretty proud of that, especially since I had a few, shall we say, indiscretions?

Friday night I was tired and we decided to have pizza for dinner. My son took off for his camping trip and so it was my husband, me and the girls. I chose the thin crust veggies only, light on the cheese. It was tasty. I had a slip and poured a small glass of Coke from the 2 liter bottle left from my daughter's birthday party last weekend. I drank 1/2, realized it was flat and not worth the calories or the guilt and promptly threw it out. Then I went o the fridge and proceeded to dump the rest of the 2L. Smile. I've said before I am an addict. I wasn't kidding.

Saturday am, I woke up, made beds, fixed breakfast, did dishes and then the girls and I headed off to the farmer's market. I got some yummy tasties. Including some sweet potato butter which I've never seen before, but sounds like it will be great on my light wheat toast. It has only 20 calories per tablespoon, which beats the heck out of most jellies and such.



I got zucchini, okra, tomatoes, and fresh black eyed peas. Well, what'd you expect? This is Texas people. I also got a small loaf of whole wheat cranberry-raisin-walnut bread which we all shared yesterday with our breakfast. Yummy toasted.

I spent a little time tending and watering our little garden. Look at all the yummies we have starting to ripen.








I harvested our first watermelon and cut it up for us all to enjoy. It was tasty.

Then, Saturday afternoon, my wonderful hubbie watched the girls so I could take my Mom out for an afternoon of shopping and the movie. We did find some cool stuff on sale, including 3 pairs of shoes for me. Score! We went to see the action flick, "The Expendables" which has basically every action star ever. It was awesome, if you like that sort of thing, which we do. Anything where stuff gets blown up is my kind of movie.

The theater is a fancy place with a full bar and restaurant. Here's where I got into a bit of trouble. I ordered a drink, just one. I also ordered the steak sandwich I had planned, and I only ate 1/2 as planned. BUT, I also ate 1/2 an order of the homemade potato chips. Oops. Plus I shared 1/2 a piece of chocolate cake. I have to say it was most tasty. The good news is I didn't eat anything the rest of the day, I was way too full. It amazes me how a few months ago I could have put away twice that amount of food and kept on eating. Then Saturday night I went for a swim and swam 1000meters, plus did my crunches. Overall I still came in under my calories. Although clearly they weren't all the quality calories I usually shoot for.

I am still proud that I ate less than I would've in the past and stopped when I was full. Then I went home and did my workout even though I was tired and would've rather went to bed. AND, I didn't eat any more, only drank water where in the past I would've eaten dinner just because it was time to eat whether or not I was actually hungry.

Yesterday, I took the girls to get their back to school stuff. Clothes, back packs, lunch boxes, etc, etc. I can't believe school starts next week. And the whirlwind begins! Between school, boy scouts, Tae Kwon Do and football, our lives get pretty crazy. I am excited and nervous to see how my new lifestyle fares, but I am confident that I've made the right changes to my diet and attitude. They really are the kind I can live with forever. That feels so good to say and know it is true.

The weekend wrapped up with a yummy meal I prepared from Biz's site. It was greek chicken gyros and homemade whole wheat pita bread. As a side, I sauteed the zuccini, okra and onions with garlic, salt and pepper. I fried a little of the okra, too, but I ate only 3 pieces. I left that for the kiddos.

Then this morning I found out that my daughter had taken this picture of me while I was cooking.

Just when you start to feel pretty good about how you're doing on this journey to looking and feeling better, reality slaps you in the face. Is that really what they see when they look up at Mommy? Oh, Boy. Yet, I refuse to let myself enter the spiral of self pity and self doubt that has always waited for me in the past. This is why for me success can sometimes be a bad thing. I start to feel like I'm doing so well and that leads to letting go of being diligent on my diet and exercise. This in turn leads to less success or even weight gain and then comes the death spiral leading to me giving up all together and feeling like a failure. Well not this time!

This time I refuse to take the bait. Yes, I am still fat, but my arms were bigger 3 months ago. Yes, I don't like how I look yet, but I am closer today than I was in March when I set off down this path for good. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I refuse to wallow in self pity when I know I've found the only way out. Eat right, Move more. That's it. I have the key. I know the secret password. And NO ONE can take the success I've had or the success yet to come from me. The only one who can do that is me and I will not let ME get in the way of my success. Not ever again.

How was your weekend? Have you had any similar set backs lately, realizing that even though you've come so far there is still a long way to go? How do you handle it when the road ahead seems so long and daunting?