This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Hodgepodge of Things and Question Day.

Loving this Wednesday!

Woke up this morning early, 5:45am, and headed up to the exercise room. I decided to walk on the treadmill, a brisk walk, which I did for 30 min. After I did some extensive stretching and my daily plank for the weekly challenge over at Spunky Suzi's blog.  I don't usually participate in these, but when I saw it was to do plank everyday, I knew it was for me. This is one of the best core strengthening exercises and I was in a habit of doing them regularly last summer. I was up to 2min before. Now, I can only do 1 min and even though I exercise a lot this is a skill that you have to do often. I generally do mine on my elbows, but I'm thinking I'm going to try adding the side planks as well. This week has been a reminder to keep it up.  I even did an extra minute last night while the girls were brushing their teeth!

I want to get back to running and I'm planning it, but I still feel like my right hamstring is tight. I did not enjoy the last leg injury and I plan to avoid another. I'm enjoying the ramp up of my exercise back to pre-gallbladder surgery levels. My friend Stacia over at Swimming it Off   left a nice comment suggesting to me and reminding me what great low impact exercise swimming can be. Not that I'd forgotten, but it is something I do love that I haven't done in a while. So it is on the agenda, hopefully Friday, to get to the gym and get in the pool. I can reward myself with a few minutes in the hot tub after which will surely help my soreness.

After 2 workouts on Monday and 2 on Tuesday, I have to admit I am sore, but not severely. My triceps ache from all the weight ifting on Monday with the trainer. My thighs ache from the squats and lunges Monday and the kicking at TKD. But, I love it. I love knowing my muscles are working hard.   I didn't workout at lunch today because I had a meeting this evening and I was already dressed for it. An excuse I know, but I did workout once today already and considering this is my first full week back at the workouts this often, I'll be a little careful.

I'm trying to get my body used to early hours again. I love my morning workouts so much. It's just me and ESPN and the sweating. It's also a good time to catch up with my Google Reader and I've been enjoying that as well.  If I can just get myself up 15-20min earlier, I'll be able to get in my 30min cardio, core training AND stretching.  I am gonna do tomorrow morning and although I'm kinda tired, my body is already remembering. I function really well on low sleep from all my med school days. Doesn't mean I don't like to sleep though and my internal clock will slowly reset.

Speaking of sleep and exercise, I was interested to read this post yesterday from Katie J.  She's been using a bodybugg for quite a while and recently started using a Fitbit. I was really interested in how this little gadget works to record calories burned, steps and YES even sleep quality. Pretty nifty. I also like that there are no monthly fees. I couldn't resist and I ordered one. I can't wait to try it out and see if it matches the Polar HR monitor I've been using for calories burned. I'll let you know how I like it once it's here and I start using it. I've been considering one of the gadgets for a while and yesterday I just decided to jump in and give it a try!

The scale has not been good to me so far this week. Not sure why. My eating is good and you can see my exercise is great. I've been drinking water, but maybe I need a smidgen more with all the extra workouts.  Anyway, I'm not discouraged and I'm focused on staying the course. Picking ways to improve and continue to learn new things about this healthy life stuff is all part of the process. It is not a program, it's a way of life for me.

And now from Spunky Suzi: Question Day.

1.Do you plan your exercise for the week? If so how many days do you normally exercise?? Yes. I plan in general my exercise every week. I have to or juggling my schedule is impossible. I exercise a minimum of 4 days a week and usually it's closer to 6.

2. What is your favourite seasoning?? Hmmm...garlic and onions probably, but I also LOVE rosemary and basil from my herb garden.
3. What is your favourite flavour of coffee or tea? I'm a minimalist here. I don't really like flavored teas and coffee, but I do prefer sweetener.

4. What was the last movie you watched? Tangled with the kids. Again!
5. Have you tried any new foods lately? Did you like them? Care to share? I found a yummy roasted red pepper hummus that I'm loving right now. I've also tried a cinnamon raisin bagel thin which is yummy.

Finally, I'll end today on a note of thanks. As I discussed yesterday, I'm trying to focus on gratitude. When you've had a lot of stress and hard things to deal with, sometimes it's easy to forget how many things are going right. Being grateful keeps me focused on those things and is helping me change my attitude. Today, I'm grateful for patients that really appreciate what I do. Sometimes it seems like you only hear the complaints, but this week I've had several patients take time to thank me and my staff. 

One brought some lovely Easter eggs she'd made for us with lovely naturalistic patterns. Another brought in a cake she'd made for us (which I thanked her for but didn't eat).  Another knows how much I love old medical books and equipment and brought in a couple of old books she found at an estate sale. I certainly don't expect gifts, but just an expression of thanks means so much. So I'm grateful for those in my life who are grateful for me. Grin.
Aren't they pretty and artistic? No idea how she did this, but I like it.

Well, that's it for today. Did you learn anything new or try anything new today? How did it work out?  Do you use any gadgets that help you in your efforts to get healthy? Which ones have worked out and which didn't?

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

A fabulous day!

Another Fabulous Day! I'm SO HAPPY and EVERYTHING is GOOD!

Trying too hard? I'll tone it down a bit. Actually I had a really good day. Second day in a row and I forced myself to get up and get on the stationary bike. I'm really trying to get back to the routine I had a few months ago where I was super motivated and losing weight easily. I was exercising with cardio and some core training pretty much every day, even on days I did the gym so that I got 2 workouts many days. I looked back at my old exercise journal I kept in my exercise room and I realized how much more I was doing then.

I won't lie it's kicking my butt since late last week when I started this, but I remember how great I felt after I adjusted to it and so I know if I hang in there I will feel better. I am super sore from the trainer yesterday. Damn you squats and lunges. But, I know how good they are for me so I actually revel in the glow of post exercise pain. Someone pass the ibuprofen!

I made it to TKD class today. Holy achy abs and pects, batman!  After the extra abs and such yesterday I am sore. I didn't realize it until I did the crunches in class. Of course today my instructor decided to do extra. Naturally. Okey Dokey. So we did 150. AND I was able to get up afterward! Then we did push ups and the 1 minute interval I did with push ups yesterday came back like a flash of lightening and I barely got the 15 for today done, BUT I did do them so...victory!  We did a ton of kicking drills and jumping and punching and forms and all that stuff and let me tell you EVERYONE in that class was whipped and sweaty, not just me!  It felt great in a sweaty slimey and I survived the horror kind of way.

Home after for shower and then lunch. I was starved, but I maintained control which was excellent considering how hungry I was and that I came home to homemade banana bread fresh out of the oven. I did not partake of that pleasure, that's for the kids for after school. I did have a boiled egg and some watermelon along with some red peppers and hummus and a turkey sandwich. Total at lunch was 390cal. and it was awesome. It amazes me how much I totally love good healthy food now.

I'm tired now and soon have to head out to pick up the kids at TKD. It's the nightly hand off from Nanny and my second shift starts. I always feel like I can't get everything done. Sigh. Am I the only one who feels this way? I think of the closets that need cleaning and the plants that need planting and the mulch that needs spreading and the weeds that need pulling and the kids that need bathing and the homework that needs supervising and the endless list of stuff I need to do and I just feel less than adequate sometimes.

But then I think of all I DO accomplish in a day and feel pretty good. I see the kids and that they are happy and healthy and I count my blessings. When will I figure out that I'm never going to be that perfect woman I have in my head? And what's so great about her anyway? She may have her to do list done, but is she happy? Letting go of these pre-conceived notions of perfect wife, mother and career women would serve me well, I think. I'm still learning how to do that. Maybe I just need to work on visualizing how I want MY life to be and not what I think it's supposed to be like?

I'm trying to focus on positive things and gratitude. This is my new "project" this week. I'm really trying to move on from the recent sadness I've been dealing with.  It's so easy to get wrapped up in the things we don't have, can't do or do wrong that we forget all the wonderful things we are and have. I'm notoriously bad for that.  Umm........I mean.........I'm so proud of myself for recognizing my weaknesses and being willing to change them. I am grateful that I have made so much progress in the last year, inside and out! I look forward to seeing where all these positive changes will take me.  It's about so much more than the scale for me!

What about you? Do you have to practice being positive and grateful or does it just come naturally to you? How do you deal with the demands you put on yourself and your expectations? Do you ever feel overwhelmed by them? And if you do, how do you handle it? What are some ways you are able to stay positive in your attitude?

Monday, April 25, 2011

Weekend Wrap up and I'm still here.

Well, the weekend ended up being less than ideal. I had a massive bladder infection and landed in bed all day on Saturday and most of the day Sunday. I didn't even feel like hiding eggs for the kids. Although I refuse to feel guilty. They had plenty of fun hunting eggs all week. Our Easter celebration started a week ago in Oklahoma with the first egg hunts. I did get the eggs boiled and they had some fun dying eggs. This is great because now I have yummy snacks, assuming I'm allowed to ingest their lovely creations at some point soon.

The Easter Bunny arrived with the obligatory candy and such. But, I did not indulge minus the one bite my little one begged me to take because she wanted to share. The kids were happy and spent the day hiding eggs hopped up on candy and playing with their new Easter toys. I did manage to drag myself out of bed late Sunday to cook. Probably wouldn't have bothered except Nana was coming and kids were begging for the ham they saw Daddy cart in from Costco. We had the ham, sweet potatoes, roasted with a little cinnamon and fresh green beans. I made a triple berry crisp-blueberries, blackberries and strawberries with oatmeal crisp on top. I used very little sugar and so it was overall pretty healthy. I ate well, but not too much and measured and tracked my calories.

After dinner I was tired and got the kids in bed early and I wasn't far behind. I didn't sleep well considering we had a lot of storms here last night and that left me tired today. That on top of still not feeling great left me dragging today. I did force myself to the gym as I had an appointment with my trainer and I could not cancel again. We had been trying to meet for a few weeks and I haven't been able for one reason or another due to the funeral and then my leg injury.

I felt very tired and I really really really really didn't want to go have my ass kicked today. I did however get the aforementioned ass kicked and I have to say I was proud to make it through the workout. He had me doing circuit training with 1min intervals on each exercise. Squats, lunges, bicep curls, hammer curls, crunches, push ups, reverse butterfly, and a whole bunch of other stuff.  All of that after 30min on the elliptical for my cardio and I'm proud I made it through that today. I very easily could've wimped out, but I did not and for that I'm glad. I burned a lot of calories today and I was super sweaty.

I drag myself back to work after a shower and in the fog of fatigue made it through to the end of the day. I ate a little lunch, not much and I should have eaten a snack before the workout because I was in the low blood sugar fog for a while. That mixed with yet more storms and the accompanying migraine trigger for me made for a difficult afternoon. Thank you drug companies for modern medicine for migraine which kept it from getting too bad.

After work I had to run to the store to pick up chips for the boy scout ceremony. Son got his Star rank and we were proud. He is doing so well and is still determined to get his Eagle.  Although at this point his dad and I have put in way too much time and effort to even consider letting him quit at this point. After I got the girls a cookie and we headed home and I did not partake of the goodies.

I just finished catching up on work. So happy that Mavs won and now for bed.......Good night!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Easter, Earth Day, and.........BIZARRE!

Yesterday I was pooped. Really pooped. And tired AND I had......well.......stomach issues.  I suppose it's my return to good food and flushing out all the garbage I've been eating. Plus I've been back to my water and that means back to the bathroom a lot.

I made myself get up to exercise yesterday and I went to TKD last night for a good sweaty workout. I'm really glad that I won't have to take my son to school so early any more so I can get back to my morning workouts. I do so much better when I start the day with exercise.  Yesterday, I rode the stationary bike. This morning I walked on the treadmill and did some stretching. My sprained calf is pretty much healed and now I'm working on my hamstring on the right which has been tight, but man, it felt great to sweat in the morning again.

This weekend I plan on trying to run again. I just refuse not to finish the C25K. I've started and stopped many times and this is going to be my #1 fitness goal for the next 2 months.  I really want to get back to being able to run for 30 min so that I can run a full 5K and enter some races. I know I can so now it is just a matter of doing it. 

My food and water have been great the last couple of days and it feels good to be back on track. The scale is back down, but not where it was BB (before the binge). SO, I will continue to move forward with a positive attitude. As best as I can anyway.

Despite the fact that my Mavs lost last night. Sigh. But, we're still up 2 games to 1 and it aint over yet.  I am really enjoying the NBA playoffs this year as I have 2 teams in I care about. The Mavs and the OKC Thunder. Next week is the NFL draft and I always look forward to that although this year is weird with all the contract talks going on.

This weekend is Easter and so there will be a lot of family time with egg hunts and fun. That means a lot of candy in the house. But, I only bought stuff I hate and honestly candy doesn't tempt me too badly. I plan dinner on Sunday with good healthy food.

Today is EARTH DAY!  Do something good for the environment. Not just today, but every day. Recycle where you can. Turn off the water. Conserve energy. Switch to cleaner energy sources. Avoid buying bottled water, use refillable bottles instead.  The kids and I will be picking up trash in the neighborhood this evening at our park. And we'll be planting a couple of trees in our yard. What are you doing for the Earth today?

HEY! I read something this morning that was just BIZARRE. There is new gym in Spain that is a nudist gym. That's right people now you can work out in the buff. Can I just say......EWWW and OUCH!  Can you imagine working out without clothes? Where would all the sweat go? Yuck. And the flapping and chaffing of various body parts? And NO BRA? You've got to be kidding me.  Who dreamed up this nightmare? And guys, I cannot imagine how uncomfortable it would be to workout with certain of your parts flapping in the wind either. On the bright side, you would save considerable amounts of money by not needing certain gym attire, right? How strange. Can you imagine?

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


I've had enough.

I say again. I've had enough.

I woke up this morning and I had actually slept last night. I slept the night before, but that was with the aid of medication and the sleep isn't the same. I woke up this morning and I said, "Enough."

Enough sadness. Enough grief. Enough emotional turmoil. I'm not fooling myself into believing that I can just stop. But, I am saying that it is time to wake up and do something. Since last Saturday morning, I haven't logged my food. I haven't worked out.  I haven't drank my water. And it's time to say enough.

I will not make excuses. I will not fool myself into believing that how I've been the last few days has been, "not that bad." No more bull shit. Fact is, Monday I ate like shit. Healthier shit, but still.....Yesterday I ate healthy food, but too much and then I ate cookies. ENOUGH.

All the times before when I've tried to lose weight, I've said, "Oh well." Or "I can't"  or "it's too hard" or "I have fat genetics" or "I'm too stressed" or whatever load of BS I was shoveling at that particular time.  All the times before, I have regained what I'd lost and more. All the times before are not THIS time.

Today, I say ENOUGH.

I can do this. I can and I will. I must. I will get back on track. I may not like it. It's so much easier to bury myself in food. Wrap myself in the comfort of cookies and cakes and ice cream and all the other stuff. It's easier in the short run. As easy as it is for a drug addict to keep shooting up. Easy for a while and then.......really really hard.

Ask an addict which is harder-being an addict where you lose everything and everyone and the only thing important to you is getting your fix. Or getting clean and being clean and having a family, a job, a future. I look at my food addiction the same way. It will kill me. It will take from me the things I want most. It will limit my life to only it. And so I say enough.

And I say, "Screw you Fat Self." Screw you for your feelings of defeat, your weakness, your willingness to give in. Screw you for not fighting harder to get through these difficult times with more resolve. Screw you for not trying harder. Screw you for liking food so much.

I also say, "It's OK Fat self".  You are a part of me. I love you. I cannot blame you for everything wrong in my life. I accept you. You are the part of me that got me through most of my life. I know it's hard for you. All these new attitudes and activities I expect of you  are scary sometimes for you. I know you've tried and I know you are willing to try again. I will give you a chance to change. But, I will not let you hold me back.  I know you aren't in the MOOD to get back on track. I know you don't really WANT to get back to logging your food and exercising. I know it. BUT, we're doing it anyway.

Finally I say, ENOUGH. Enough excuses. Enough avoiding reality. Enough being sad. Enough regret. Enough guilt. Enough negative thoughts. Enough giving food power over me. Enough.

I know I've gained some weight. I know it. But, you know what I did today? I got up and said, "Enough".  I put on makeup I fixed my hair. I have a meeting tonight and last week I'd planned on wearing my new dress which is spring colors and fits AND is an XL I bought at Kohl's in the "normal" size section. I was excited about it last week. Today, I woke up and as I got out of bed I didn't want to wear that dress. I wanted to just wear scrubs or my too-baggy black pants. I got in the shower and I said, "Enough".

I'm wearing the dress despite the several pounds I've gained. It fits and still looks good. And I feel better. Just doing SOMETHING feels better. Just getting my mind back in order feels better. I know I still have a lot of work to do. I know I still have pounds to lose AGAIN to get back to where I was. So What? I know I can do it. I've done it before. I know how and I know I CAN and I know I WILL.

All I have to do is wake up everyday, like today, and say, "Enough".

Have you said it yet? Have you had set backs in your journey to healthy living? If so, how did you over come them?  If you haven't, what's stopping you? No one can do it for you.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

16 years ago today

I was a third year medical student. I was tired and busy and nervous. I was engaged to be married in December. I was on my surgery rotation. One of the most hated. It meant long long hours. Had to be at the hospital and ready to "round" with the intern by 5am so we could round with the senior resident at 6am. Attendings at 6:30am.  Then surgical cases began at 7-7:30am. If you weren't scrubbed in on a case, you were studying, or supposed to be.

I remember it being one of those perfect spring days. A little chilly in the morning. Just enough to feel it and dew on the grass. The sun came up bright and lovely and we were all bitching about how we'd rather be outside than stuck in the stupid hospital.

At 9am that day I had just ran down to the floor to check on a patient. I was on my way back to the student lounge when it happen. The walls shook. There was a HUGE noise. I ran up the stairs to see if my friends knew what had happened. No one knew. A few minutes later we headed to check out the TV. The loud speakers in the hospital began to blare out a message none of use understood at first. "CODE BLACK. CODE BLACK. This is not a drill. Repeat This is not a drill.  ALL attendings, residents and medical students report IMMEDIATELY to the emergency room for assignments."  It repeated a time or 2 before we understood it meant us.

As we ran down the stairs scared shitless, we saw nurses and doctors and people scurrying every which way. We were asking each other "What the hell is code black?"  Someone shouted, "DISASTER. It's a disaster. A major problem like plane crash or explosion or something." We ran faster down the hall. On the TV there was already ariel footage of the building and a big black cloud of smoke. The windows in the hospital lobby were blown out and there were people crying in the lobby, but we kept going headed toward the ER. No one knew what had happened yet.

I remember streaming in to the ER and seeing every attending physician in the hospital. All of them. Scariest thing I've ever seen. Ever. We all knew something really really bad had happened. We were given assignements. I was assigned to triage. We gowned up in trauma gear and headed outside where we were given cards to assign to patients-green, yellow, red.  Red was the most critical. We were supposed to start IVs, assign the cards and divide the victims into groups.

You have to understand. We'd only done a few IVs at this point. Sutured a few times. We were absolutely terrified. We looked at each other with excited, but also gravely serious looks on our faces. It was made even more terrifying by the looks on the faces of the surgeons and doctors we idolized and feared. They were scared, too.

Information began to trickle in. There had been an explosion at the federal building downtown. It was a couple miles from where we were. We tried to call friends who were on rotations at St. Anthony's which was closer to the blast. Getting cellphone signal was really hard. We stood and waited in the ambulance bay. And waited. And waited. The worst part. A few people came in cars and trucks. There were a few ambulances.

It was chaos as a few more bomb scares happened. Some of our friends had jogged and walked over to see what had happened. As time went on, it was clear. We were not going to get the injuries we thought. And later, we knew that it was because many were already dead.

A triage area was set up in the cafeteria where students and residents pulled glass out of people and stitched minor wounds and took histories and listened to stories. We gave tetanus shots and bandaged and reassured the terrified people. Then I finally got a phone call. It was my Aunt.

I wondered how strange it was that she called. I figured she knew I was in the area and was checking on me. She was, but then she told me. That building. That was the one my two cousins worked in. They were cousins, but they were much older than me. I called them my "uncles" growing up. I was confused.  She asked me to check to see if they were there because no one could find them.

So, I ran back to the ER. No one registered there by those names. No John Doe with their description. I called my friends in all the other hospitals. No one had them admitted. I tried to walk over to the site. I had heard that some of my friends were there helping triage close to the building. But by then, the streets were blocked and the police and FBI had shut down the scene.

I hung around a while and helped where I could and then I finally told my resident I was going home. I couldn't think straight and I needed to check on my family. I drove home to Norman where the family had started to gather together. We were glued to the TVs. Sat perched by the phones. We had the TVs on different channels in different rooms. We called everyone we knew that might have information. As the day wore into night, and they were trying to find anyone alive it got scarier.

I spent that first night with my cousin's wife. I'd always called her "aunt" growing up. We were up all night. We had gotten some xanax and sleeping pills for her and finally early that morning we got her in bed. She was in shock. I stayed the night on the sofa. I called my friends who were on call all night. No one had seen my family members. We had hope that maybe they were in a hospital and no one knew yet.

As we woke up the next day, that hope diminished. I drove to the hospital as I had all the days before. I was worried and scared. The first patient I was assigned to was a man from the bombing. He had a skull fracture. He had brain fluids leaking out on his pillow. He was in critical condition and probably wouldn't make it. I walked in the room and began to examine him. I proceeded to have a panic attack.

I was hyperventilating. I was shaking and dizzy. I thought I would pass out. The nurse in the room in the ICU noticed me. Normally this sort of reaction might elicit scorn from an experienced ICU nurse. Another med student freaked by a critical brain patient? But, not today. Today everyone was sad and scared and in mourning. She asked if I was OK. She escorted me out of the room and sat me down. I burst into tears. I couldn't talk.

Another student came over. Asked what was wrong. "My uncles." Was all I could get out. Finally I was able to calm down and explained they were missing and likely in the rubble. The clock was ticking and if they weren't found soon........well everyone there knew what it meant that they weren't found. I was mercifully sent home to be with my family. My fellow students said they would cover for me.

A center for the families was set up at a nearby church. The fire chief and rescue people and medical examiner and representatives from the hospitals were there. Counselors and ministers. We were all on watch hoping our family members would be found alive. We sat there for days waiting to hear and knowing that each minute that went by we were less likely to get good news. Then, we just wanted to know.

One cousin was found after a few days, the other not for weeks. I had nightmares for weeks, months after the bombing where I was looking for them, they were calling me, and I couldn't help them. I was terrified that my soon to be husband would leave and not come home one day. I was afraid of the hospital and sometimes the patients. It changed everything.  It changed me, our family, our state, our nation.

That day 168 people were killed, 19 were children. Nearly 700 people were injured.  It left 2 widows and 5 children without fathers in our family. It left me knowing that everything could end any minute. You'd better live your life the best you can. Love your family and at every opportunity tell them that you do.  I learned to be a better doctor. More empathetic to those that experience trauma.

It left me with more empathy for those that have anxiety and PTSD because it is something I battle even now at times.  I still do not leave the house without saying goodbye to my husband. For years after, I physically could not go anywhere or leave him without saying goodbye. You see my one cousin's wife didn't get up with her husband that day as she normally would. She was tired and hadn't slept. She just cried and cried over that those first few days.  If I left and forgot to hug my husband, I had to turn around and go back. Had to. Now it's a habit I cherish.

Even now after all these years this day is a hard day. A day of remembrance. A day to be thankful. A day to count our blessings. A day to think about the fragility of life. A day that I will never forget.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Weekend Wrap up or....

The great Binge of 2011.

I'll just start by stating that I greatly underestimated the emotional toll my first trip back to Oklahoma since my cousins funeral would have.  For those who don't know and haven't read my prior posts, a month ago my 39 year old cousin died. He and I were very close. We grew up next door to each other. As an only child, he was in every since my brother. It was, and is still, devastating to me and my family and I feel still overwhelmed with grief at times.

This weekend we drove home to see my family and also to attend the OU spring football game. I generally love this weekend. It's the first glimpse of football, my absolute FAV, and the weather is generally nice. We always spend time with the family and hang out. Every year. Except this year was different, of course.

Friday after work, I went home to pack. This brought back memories of the last time I packed to go there for the funeral. That spiraled into memories of the funeral, before, the call when it happened. So many feelings came rushing in. I ended up with pizza for dinner. Homemade, wheat crust, but still pizza which was meant for the kids only instead of the salad I had planned.

OK. No problem. Move on, right? So Saturday morning I woke up and weighed. Finally back down to pre-funeral weight and I was happy. I sent my weight to Allan and got the kids loaded in the car. I had breakfast as planned, coffee and even pack my fruit and almonds for the car as planned. I was doing fine and the drive up to Norman went well, despite moderate bickering from the kids.

The closer we got, the more intrusive the sadness became. I found myself again unable to fight off the feelings of grief. I feel so weak and so.........I don't know......guilty? That I continue to feel this way. So emotional and unable to control it.

We arrived in Norman and I got the kids lunch. I had planned a baked potato at the stadium so I didn't eat. I did have a snack of fruit and string cheese before we left for the game. However, the snack bar with the potatoes wasn't open. I was starving and I gave in to the mini pizza that was available. That or a giant hot dog or nachos and pizza seemed better. So that was lunch. I ordered Coke zero and was given Dr. Pepper which I didn't realize until I was back in my seat. I drank it anyway. And that's where it started.

That night we went to dinner with my best friend, my cousin and his wife. My other "brother" and "sister-in-law".  We decided on the casino buffet. You see where this is going. I had green beans, salad and a baked potato and a few peel-n-eat shrimp. I had prime rib. I had catfish. Then I had ice cream. And I was sick. Just sick. I was sick physically and sick with myself emotionally.

I went to bed that night vowing to shake it off and move on the next day. I didn't sleep well. I tossed and turned. I had nightmares. I woke up tired and frustrated and sick full. I didn't have breakfast. I did have coffee.  We got the kids ready and headed to church. The plan was church, then a pot luck dinner and Easter Egg hunt after. Following this, we had planned to head over to my cousin's house so that I could get the few belongings he had wanted me to have and that I wanted.  You can guess where this is headed.

So overly tired, overly emotional, and now overly hungry me heads to a church service in the same church where my cousin sang and played piano my whole life, for the first time without him there, followed by a plethora of home cooked comfort foods including a giant table of desserts.  I admit I was weak. I admit I was overwhelmed and I admit I just said to myself " I can't take anymore guilt or stress or worry." And I let my guard down.  And I ate. A lot.

And I'm ashamed and embarrassed and guilty and frankly I can't even believe I'm writing all of this. I feel sick and numb and depressed. I thought I was beyond some of this crap.

And then.....we went to my cousin's house where I picked up the things and we went through his stuff like....I don't know what...... Looters? I don't know if you've ever had to go through a dead person's home, but it was horrible. And it's we're not finished of course. We still have a lot of work to do.

After that we got ready to head back home to Texas. I cried most of the rest of the day and night. I had little sleep and now I'm tired and depressed and defeated. I'm sorry to post such a downer, but that's where I'm at. I'm mad at myself. I'm sad, so sad. And all those other feelings you can imagine.

Now I have to find a way to get back on track some how. I'm not giving up, but I'm sure struggling. I weighed this morning and scale says I'm up 6 pounds. That's not possible. Is it? I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Just keep swimming, right? What other choice do I have? All I can do is what I can do.

On the bright side, I enjoyed the football game and the kids had a ball at the egg hunt. I'm trying really hard to think on the bright side. Well, that's it for now. I haven't read any blogs yet. But I will. I knew it would make me feel guilty. But then, maybe it will inspire me. It usually does.

Until tomorrow.......

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Sports Weekend!

Yesterday was a decent day and I'm just glad it's over. With all the stuff and stress I've been through lately I just am not handling stress at work. My job is stressful everyday on a routine basis. Right now there is certain drama going on and it's worse for me in light of recent events. I'm glad I can go home to a few days off.  I'm eating on plan. I have not worked out yet today, but hoping to get in some exercise tonight, maybe a walk with the kids. This week has been bad with my husband out of town and single parenting has left me tired without much time for me. 

Looking forward to my weekend. Trying hard not to dwell on the ever present stress in my life. Sports helps with that so I plan to immerse myself in learning the new players on my team, evaluating their potential and just plain getting pumped up for my favorite sport to be back. We're heading to Oklahoma to see the OU spring football game and should be fun.  Hopefully the weather will be OK (ha ha!). I'm excited to see the offensive line that has supposedly bulked up and with another year of maturity, should be great. Also there are a few new recruits to check out and I'll just start to familiarize myself with the starters that may have changed. (Yes I'm that big of a sports geek)

On top of that, NBA playoffs start this weekend and although for us Mavs fans this has left us less than satisfied the last, oh......million years, I still look forward to them every year. Well, every year since I lived here. There was nothing but OU football in Oklahoma where I grew up. And maybe OU baseball. And sorta OU basketball, but No professional teams left me not caring about NBA. I moved to Dallas in 1999 and since then I've caught Mavs fever. Even been to a few games. And now OKC has a team which is exciting because they are actually good. So now I have 2 teams in the playoffs that I care about.

Baseball is in full swing. (Hee hee) I'm actually enjoying it a little now that the Rangers are finally relevant. I've never been a huge baseball person, but I'll admit it's fun to watch sometimes. I can't believe our MVP has a broken arm and that it happened on such a meaningless play. But, "that's the way baseball go" as our Ron Washington would say. He'll be out 8 weeks and so we'll see what the rest of the team can do without him. The hated Yankees are on the schedule for this weekend. We'll see. I think we can take them. Maybe? We've done it before. Smile.

On the health front, I am doing well and hoping for a good weigh in this week. I'd like to finally get below were I was before the funeral. I am planning for pitfalls this weekend with the travel and such. I'll have breakfast at home and pack snacks for the drive. I've got to sit down and look at the new menus and see how I can get them done while out of town. The tempation will be alcohol. NO I do not drink much, but I like to on the weekends we're home when we go out with friends, 1 or 2 drinks. I'm planning on little to none. Maybe ultra light beer? I swell so much with that stuff. I don't want to blow my weigh-in.

What are your plans for the weekend? Any sports on your horizon?  NBA playoffs? Baseball? Others?  Sorry if you hate sports, I can't help myself. Have a great weekend. I don't know if I'll have time to post or not, but I'll be around. Take care!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

One of those days

You know how yesterday I was wondering why some days are so much harder? Well, today was one of those days.

I woke up this morning in a decent mood. Tired because I didn't sleep well, I don't usually when my husband is out of town. Too quiet, maybe?  Anyway. I woke early and got to work on some things to catch up. Then, it was time to get kids up and off to school. Kids were grumpy and fought. Irritability. Sigh. My little one was mad I put a yogurt in her lunch. Irrational. But, that's 5 year olds.

After dropping them at school I ran an errand. Then ended up at work a little late. I was busy. Hectic morning with complicated patients and those that wanted to talk a lot. No problem. Handled and finished in time to make TKD.

Went to class despite my temptation to skip. I'm glad I did. What a workout today. We did 160 crunches and 25 push ups. Then LOTS of kicking and conditioning drills. It was a hard class, but I always leave there feeling like I've accomplished something. Survival instinct? Sometimes I feel like I'm in over my head and can't do it, but I just keep going. I'm not the best. I don't have a perfect back kick. I don't have the fastest kick or hardest kick, but I do MY best and try not to compare myself to the others. I think most of the people in my class are just impressed I haven't quit yet.

Work this afternoon was trying. I got some very upsetting and disappointing news about one of my long time and favorite patients. It struck me hard and I found myself near tears as I listened to the radiologist tell me the news. Usually there is some detachment, it's a protective device. But lately I find my emotions are raw. I feel everything hurts. Even little things. We had an employee quit this week, other office drama and that left me frustrated and disappointed and overwhelmed.

Have you ever had a friend, a really good one, one you thought would always be in your life and then that person left? I don't mean moved away. I mean just left your life for reasons you didn't understand? And then later you found out that person was not who you thought in the first place? I have. It was painful at the time and even several years later it still is. Well today I "saw" this person was on facebook commenting on a mutual friend's page and it brought back all those feelings. I miss this person in my life, at least the person I thought they were. Part of me wants to reach out to them, the other is wary and scared and afraid of being hurt. Mainly I don't want the pain.

I received an email today from home. My cousin's family still struggles as do I. Grief is a nasty beast. It is heavy and unpredictable. It is a black hole that, if you let it, will consume you. I fight it off most times, but today I have been unable. Sometimes I think if I just cry long enough or hard enough it will be done. I'll be finished with it and I can move on.

But it doesn't work that way does it?

I know this. This isn't my first dance with the darkness of grief.   This is a hard time for my whole family. It's been that way a very long time. And in a few days, I'll explain more about that.

I'm trying to be thankful. I'm trying to count my blessings. But, I'm having a real hard time with God now. I don't really want to get into religious discussions. I don't need advice about my relationship with God. He and I are old friends. Right now I just don't understand a lot of things.

And dealing with my cousin's death has left me thinking about my own mortality and the fragility of life. That can lead to fear and excessive worry. It's made me want to make preparations. I don't want to be caught off guard or leave my family floundering.  But, that is yet another burden.  Just one more thing on what feels like an endless To Do list. Sigh.

It's not as if I'm special. The physician's voice in my head is saying all the counselor things I would say to my patients. All these things I'm thinking are things I've heard my patients say a million times. Intellectually I know that all of these thoughts and feelings are normal. That they will pass, lessen and with time. That the raw emotional state I'm in now is normal and slowly it will also pass. Things will be normal again, although never the same.

So, I'll just have to approach this grief business the way I do Tae Kwon Do. I may not do it perfectly. I'll just have to do MY best and not compare myself to others. Realize that I can get through this and that my life, most of which is wonderful, will go on. I have to let myself feel the pain and not be afraid of it.

Today I was starved after TKD. I came home and fixed lunch. I didn't have the lunch that was on plan. Slight oversight and mishap with the now teenage boy in the family eating leftovers I thought were still there. So instead I had a veggie burger sandwich, and some lettuce leaves with hummus rolled inside. For dessert I had an ice cold grapefruit. It was yummy.

This evening I took the girls to the evil golden arches. Yet one more thing to feel guilty about? I refuse. Son was in TKD until 7:30. I had one hour. I went there, got them dinner and then let them play. Good news is neither of them ate more than 3-4 fries. That's the amazing thing about kids. They eat, they're full, they stop. This is not something I EVER remember being able to do.

So I spent 30 min in McD's and now you're wondering what I ate? Nada. I ate nothing. Well.....that's a lie I ate exactly 2 fries. I had a diet DP and that's it. Spent the time reading and sending some emails. When I got home I had dinner, again I had to improvise as Nanny had not cooked as previously planned. I had a small sandwich and fruit.

And now I'm here writing this when I should be working, but this is way more fun.  Tomorrow I'll be packing for a quick trip to Oklahoma. We're going up Saturday morning to see the OU spring game. I'm looking forward to being home, seeing my family, and........ football? That's the icing on the cake. If you haven't been reading long, you'll soon find out that football is a very big deal to me. Well......sports in general and I haven't been writing much about that lately, but...there will be more tomorrow. Stay tuned.

Whenever I finish here I feel so much better. So much calmer. Stronger. Ready to go back to "real" life knowing that my bloggy friends are out there supporting me. If you don't blog, you're missing out. If you do and I don't read your blog, let me know. I'm always looking for more reasons to avoid working.

Good night, all!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Wednesday Wonders

Another Wednesday and another list of things I'm wondering this week.

I'm wondering:
  • Why some days are just harder than other days?  I do the same things everyday, pretty much. I just don't get why some days are so much harder. Today I woke up and just didn't want to get out of bed. I was tired. I was grumpy and I was sad. I spoke to my Aunt last night and she is understandably still struggling with the loss of her son. I feel for her and I tried to let her know I'm here for her.  Today I have her on my mind and that's left me wanting to crawl in bed and be alone. I can't do that of course, so I'm getting by as best I can. I went home at lunch and had a few minutes to myself sitting in my room and watched House from the other night. I didn't have time to workout as I had to run errands before I headed home. Instead I ate and had some peace. It helped some. Tonight I'll try to get a walk with the kid.
  • Why radio stations play the same freaking songs over and over and over?  I mean, really. They play like 20 songs over and over all day. At work we have limited reception and we have the radio on all day. It gets so old. And WHY is it always the song you HATE that they play the most?   I've thought about satellite radio, but I have that in my car and frankly it's not that much better. Oh well. It's noise that keeps the office running and patients from eaves dropping too much.
  • Will I ever stop crying over silly things when it comes to my kids? I swear I well up with tears all the time over the kids. Is it that I'm a wet rag or just love them so much? The other day I got an email from my son's boy scout leader who said what a wonderful young man he's becoming and how impressed the leaders were with his organizational and leadership skills at the last camp out. Yep. I cried then and now typing that I feel it again. Then yesterday the girls just spontaneously gave each other a big hug and said, "I love you, sissy."  When they thought I wasn't looking. I was and I got teary eyed. Sigh. My kids are just awesome. Unless they are pissing me off. In which case......
  • Should I get a Kindle or i-pad?  I've been thinking about this for a while. I got my mom a Kindle for Christmas and she loves it. This also means that my endless supply of books will dry up soon unless I have a way to read hers. Now that she can "loan them" to me, I'm definitely interested. Plus not having books stacked up everywhere is appealing. I really want an i-pad, but I have an i-phone and a laptop. Would I use it enough to justify the expense? I'm not sure my software for work will run OK on it so then I'd have 3 devices to lug around. But......I really want one. Sigh. Still thinking on it. 
  • Where does my kid's teacher get off telling her she should bring a lunchable everyday? OK. So about a week ago, my youngest came home and asked if she could have a lunchable because her little friend at pre-school takes one everyday and she wanted one, too. My response was that lunchables are not that healthy so it's not something we can have everyday, but I might get her one for just once in a while. SOOOOO. She takes it to school on Monday and apparently the teacher says how great she did at eating it all up and she should have one every day. I know she said this because she repeated it to the Nanny when she picked it up.  I was immediately irritated.  Why? Because there is a reason that my 5 year old had never ever had one. I consider it over-packaged, over-processed and over-sugared food that is not the best alternative for my kid. Besides, the only reason the kids want the dang stuff is because there are either cookies or a candy bar in it plus juice, both of which are rare treats in our house. Of course she ate it all!  So, I again explained to my child why we don't eat that every day. I bought a couple of divided plastic containers and we're making our own "lunchables" now which the girls find to be great fun.
Well, there's so much more I could write, but I'll save it for another time. I'm headed out to see the Chiropractor and see if he can help me with my sciatic. I have done OK today food wise and I'm drinking water as usual. Tonight the hubby is out of town and I'll be single parenting. We have yet more to do on the pool with adding more salt and scrubbing. I like the scrubbing as it is a great arm workout. I'd like a walk if we have time. Then kids to bed and I'll have some times ALONE. Alone...............happens sooooo rarely. I might even get a bubble bath.  Happy happy smile....

So what about you? Are you wondering things this week? How do you handle kids lunches? I find it frustrating at best. Just the drudgery of having to make them every day. Sigh. Luckily my older 2 can eat at school sometimes although middle school cafeteria food is probably WORSE than send a lunchable. WHY can't we get healthy food to our kids?? Well.........that's a WHOLE other rant in itself.

Anyway, I love love love hearing from all of you. You all amaze me and humor me and comfort me and help me in ways I am truly thankful for........ See. I'm in a better mood already. Have a great night! And leave a comment!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

New Stuff

This morning I got up early and made myself go up and get on the treadmill. I didn't want to do it. I was tired. I still am. I wanted to sleep, but what's another 30 min really?  I still can't run really. It's hard on my calf which is healing and nearly well. But, I don't want to push it so I walked. By the time I had pressed the snooze a few times I only had 20 minutes to walk, but hey, 20 min is 20 min.  After I stretched. The walking and stretching is really more about rehab for my leg than anything. I really want to be able to get back to running.

I had oatmeal again this morning, per plan and I'll have to tell you that my belly is either totally loving it or hates it. Either way you look at it I'm regular. Gassy, but regular.  I arrived at work early today and got some reading done. I meant to get this post in earlier, but you know how it goes.  Then the server was down. Let me just let that sink in..................................................

Yeah. MY FREAKING SERVER WAS DOWN most of the morning and let me tell you it is incapacitating. Can't do a damn thing. So frustrating. It happened after a major power surge and then the internet was jacked all morning. Luckily it's nothing major and no data was lost, but sweet lord we depend on that thing. Since we are all electronic I can't even look up the meds a patient is on. Technology is the love and bane of my existence.

I left work to go to TKD and MAN that class kicked my ASS today. They had us do some extra push ups and we did 120 crunches w/ several where she made us go up and hold for 10 sec and OUCH my abs hurt. Then we did lots of extra kicking drills. I still have to be careful with certain kicks. Especially ones where you have to jump back, but I did my best. My asthma is a bummer today so I had to use my inhaler a few times which means my heart was racing even faster than it would've been and I was short of breath. But, it felt great and although I was tired I did it.

Home I went, sweaty and gross. Hopped in the shower and then dressed. Made my sandwich for lunch which I decided to have in a wrap for a change. I also decided to slap some hummus on it instead of the avocado because.........well........frankly I was not in the mood to deal with messy avocado. Hummus I can open the container, 1 tablespoon and done. It was a lovely sandwich with veggies. I also had a grapefruit, ice cold. It was so tasty and really hit the spot after my sweaty class.

THEN, I had to rush to the pool store to have the pool water tested and buy chemicals. We've only had a pool for 2 years since we moved into this new house and I love the pool, hate the hassle. We just had to have the filter pump replaced and refill the whole thing so now we have to start over. Six bags of salt and $200 in various chemicals and we'll be good again tonight. Not that we can swim yet. Brrrrr.

So now I'm back at work with a computer that is working and I can post. Sooooooo here I am posting. Work this afternoon than back to TKD to pick up kids after their classes. Home to the pool and homework and such.  Last night we planted our tomatoes and watermelon and other veggies. Also got some basil going. I sure hope the basil does as well as last year because it was wonderful. Not that basil is high maintenance. It's basically a weed, but smells and tastes sooooo good. Now why couldn't dandelions and thistle and other nastiness that invades my yard be like Basil??? Seems really unfair.

And so all that rambling to just say that I am still on plan, still exercising and still learning new things about this healthy life stuff everyday. I never would have thought a year ago that hummus  on a sandwich would be good. Hell, I wouldn't have had hummus in the fridge then.  I love learning new things and trying new things. I have Brussel sprouts in the fridge. I'll be trying them roasted this week. I haven't had them since I was a kid. We'll see......

So what have you tried an loved lately?What have you hated? Is there something you're dying to try but haven't had the nerve yet? Are you keeping up with your exercise? 

Monday, April 11, 2011

Weekend Wrap up

Haven't posted since Thursday. It was a crazy busy weekend. I always have good intentions to post on the weekend, but it always seems like it doesn't happen. I get busy and there's so much to do. Plus I feel bad enough with the Mommy guilt during the week that on the weekend I feel worse if I spend time away from the kids. Anyhoo- been reading all you blogs and catching up this morning.

Friday was a typical crazy day with work and kids and such. I went to TKD class Friday evening and did pretty well with my leg. It's almost completely healed, but still looks kinda gross. Better than before though.  I wore one of the new dresses to work, the most casual and got some nice compliments.  Friday was also the first day of new menus and I did great sticking to the plan. Packed my lunch and snacks and took them to work. Drank all my water and was pleased with myself. Had salmon for dinner and it was good!

Saturday I got up and got breakfast for the kiddos and me. Son had school stuff in the morning and then my hubbie had to take him late to his Boy Scout camp out. The girls and I spent the morning cleaning house. I am really trying to de-clutter and I wish I had a week to just stay home and work on that, but I don't so I'll keep plugging away. I'm trying to do better with limiting what comes in my house.

In the afternoon, I spent hours weeding my flower beds out front and cleaning it out, getting ready to plant a few annuals for color. I bought some plants from another Boy scout troop so I'll be planting when they arrive. We also replaced the light in the pool which was a bear because it's hard to get out and such. The pool is currently sans water because they are coming today to replace one of the filter pumps. The lower yard is flooded and the kids have enjoyed the mud. Yuck.

Then Saturday evening we went to Lowes and got some veggie plants for our raised beds. The girls love this as they are always excited to pick the plants they want to plant. After, we went to eat at Cotton Patch Cafe which is a death trap of Southern food. I however did well having tilapia grilled, salad, no dressing, broccoli no sauce. I didn't have any of the lovely warm rolls they brought to the table although the girls gobbled them like candy. The entree was 2 fillets of fish, I ate one and saved the other for lunch on Sunday.  Once we got home, we took a short walk as a family and then it was baths and bed for the girls and I wasn't far behind considering how tired I was.

Sunday we slept in a tad (8:30am) and then I got to work with breakfast. I made omelets and per the plan I had one with spinach. I don't generally choose spinach with my breakfast, but I like the stuff and it was actually really tasty. Lunch per the plan with fish instead of chicken.  I took the girls to a birthday party and passed on the cake and the pizza. I spent a little time practicing my TKD stuff.  Last night I had chicken with veggies, green beans instead of broccoli as I'd had it the night before and although I love it, my belly doesn't always love it.

I was pleased with my weigh in for the challenge Sunday morning. I am finally nearly down to my pre-funeral weight. I was 195.8.  It was a loss of  3.8 pounds for the week which I am quite happy with. That means I am basically back to where I was although I had seen 194 briefly and can't wait to again.

Today I had oatmeal for breakfast per the plan. I bought some of the fancy rough cut kind and although I didn't taste a lot of difference, there's definitely a texture difference. I don't eat the instant or 1 minute stuff anyway because I don't like the mushy stuff. It was tasty.  Lunch is packed in my bag and dinner is on the plan.  I'm actually kind of enjoying being told what to eat. I certainly enjoy the scale moving so I'll keep following.

I had planned a workout at lunch, but I'm super tired today. Hubbie was sick all last week and I'm hoping I'm not getting it. We've all had allergy crap as it is pollen hell here in Texas. I think I'm going to need a nap so that's where I'm headed.

How was your weekend? Do you do oatmeal? How do you like it? Have a great day!

Thursday, April 7, 2011


Today was a decent day. Woke up on time, early really. Caught up on some work. Got in the shower. And got busy deciding what to wear. This is a whole new kind of annoying in my life now. In a totally different way than "before".  I don't have to stand there wondering which clothes will make me look "not fat".

Now I have a hard time finding things that are not too big. (Grin.) Recently I've bought a few new things that are too small. I'm just not used to my new size yet. Even the stuff that does fit looks too small. I look at it every time thinking it won't button. Even the jeans I've worn many times. I bought 2 pairs of capri pants at Target, size 14. They are both too small. Like probably 5-7 pounds too small so I don't want to return them. But, I have 3 pairs of jeans bought at Kohl's in the "normal" clothes section that are 14s and fit fine. The sizing of clothes is weird.

Last week I went to Kohl's and I just did some browsing. I found 3 cute dresses. Being in a hurry I bought them without trying them on. What size you ask? They were all XL. Normal XL. That's huge for me. I've never owned a normal dress. Not since I was a kid. I mean like 5. I remember being 6 and looking for 6X dresses because I was too big for normal 6. Back then there weren't that many to choose from. At Kohl's I walked right in and found 3 and bought them, feeling like they'd fit without trying them on. HUGE, I say!

So this morning I'm getting ready and I'm thinking maybe I'll wear one. I tried them on and they all fit. They all look pretty cute. One of them is dressier and looks good. I mean really good. Which should be great, but left me feeling........well......weird?  I literally had this weird experience where I almost didn't know who was in my mirror. Strangest feeling. And I'm still pretty fat, so I can only imagine how it will feel when I'm at goal.

I'm standing there staring into the mirror and feeling so.....exposed? The dress is not tight fitting, but it is kind of low cut and my waist looked so small. I know it's not small. I know my measurements. It's just that I'm used to something so much larger. I kept turning in the mirror looking for my "fat side" but the dress looked pretty good.

Then I started freaking out because I knew the attention I'll get in that dress. Is that weird? Am I crazy? I know I'd have to wear a tank under it for work, too low. You do NOT want to do a testicular exam on a man in a too low cut dress. Talk about strange..... Anyway. I'm standing there and I really felt a bit anxious. Panicky even. I freaked out and took the dress off.

Then I rationalized that I didn't want the ugly bruise to show (which by the way is all shades of purple and blue today). Plus I'd need to paint my toenails so I could wear those one sandals and then I wasn't sure I'd shaved my legs well enough. Plus I thought I'd save it for next week when I have a meeting. But truth be told I took it off because I felt like I looked too good for a minute.

I know that seems really crazy coming from a 41 year old mother of three that still weighs just under 200. Crazy talk right? Can you say "body dysmorphic disorder"?  This is new territory. And I'm not complaining. In fact thinking about it now I'm grinning and I can't wait for hubby and people at work to see it, but I still can't believe that I freaked like that.

I know I've had trouble not realizing how fat I looked in the past. I just don't feel that way. I don't feel obese. Well, there are times, but overall I've learned to like how I look and be confident. But I don't think I've ever really looked at myself, seen myself. Why is it we can stand there forever finding things we don't like, but to make a list of things we do like is so much harder? Isn't it weird how different we think we look and how we really look? What others see when they look at us is often completely different than what we do. Why? Because we have the filter of our thoughts to look through.

This morning was just another reminder that a huge portion of this weight thing is mental. It's all how you feel on the inside. Your thoughts. Your "self talk". Changing that is WAY harder than learning not to eat french fries and candy bars. That part is easy in comparison.

As things turned out I still wore a cute new outfit with new cute wedge sandals. I looked and felt good. I did not go to TKD at lunch because my middle daughter wanted me to go to class with her. Plus I wasn't sure I was ready. I figured going to the kids class would be less rigorous and there would be less peer pressure to overachieve.

I ended up in class this evening. Did pretty dang well. Leg held out and I had a good workout. Plus, they told me that they'd arrange a private test for me so I can move up a belt. I know all the material and I don't want to be bored for 8 weeks. I am very happy about that. We'll wait 1-2 weeks until I'm sure my leg is ready for it. Ate well today all day. Calories at just under 1100. Water 96oz, plus more fluids.

Do you ever have these "who is THAT" moments when looking in the mirror? How do you deal with it? Do you feel like you really SEE yourself?

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Wednesday Wonders

Here we are another Wednesday and a lot more weirdness in the world and things I just don't get.

I wonder:
  • Why I can't think of something this good for my business name? I snapped this pic in a parking lot the other day. It's a tow truck and this is what was on the door.  I'm just not that clever and it makes me way jealous.
Emergency Hookers  "You blow it....I'll tow it!"
  •  If spending my day off with a bunch of first graders at the zoo was the smartest decision?      I mean it's not like I get many days off. It was a lovely day yesterday and perfect for the zoo. For the first hour and a half, it was most enjoyable. After that and I slowly began to lose it trying to watch my 2 girls and the other kids in our group.  I took the 5 year old with me to sister's field trip. I get so nervous when I'm responsible for other peoples kids and it was sooooo crowded. I hardly enjoyed the animals because I was monitoring the behavior and whereabouts of the children. At the end of the day, I stayed behind with my girls while the rest of the kids went back on the bus. That was way less stressful. Of course the girls and I were pooped by the end of the day. We were walking for literally 5 hours. I slept pretty well last night though.
We actually got to feed and pet the giraffes. Too cool.

Yuck! Cobra. I hate snakes. Was cool to see it dance like that, though. It's in it's cage by itself, decorated like a living room. The girls just squealed when they saw it.

Otter family at play. Too cute!
  • If I've ever seen a more beautiful moon?  For those of you who didn't know, the moon was the closest and fullest it's been since 1992 on March 19th. I took some pictures that night and must admit it was amazing. If you want to know more about the "SuperMoon", click here. Sadly it was the night my cousin died. I didn't make the connection until I got ready to post these pics.  I had 2 patients die that weekend and several others I know of as well. I have long believed, as many in medicine do, that people's behavior is affected by the moon.  I'll say that I can tell you many anecdotes regarding it and that I'm glad I wasn't working in an ER that night and won't be delivering babies 9 months from now. 
Now you know why they say there's a "man in the moon."

View from my back porch
  • If animals feel shunned the way people do?  I was struck by this one bird separated from the group of pretty pink flamingos. I think it's a stork or pelican. Couldn't tell because he was all hunched over and so sad looking. Of course I started to feel bad for it. And then realized it was my "poor outcast fat kid" sympathy kicking in. Will I lose that when I'm in the pretty pink flamingo group?  I hope not.
All those pretty flamingos and 1 brown different pelican all alone.

  • How many pretty colors will my leg turn? As I mentioned, I spent all day on my leg walking and standing. It felt so good to be able to move. I didn't have much pain, a little soreness. But, when I woke up this morning this is what I saw. And as the day wore on today, it got prettier and prettier. I'm just glad that it looks worse than it feels at this point. I was thinking I'd go back to TKD tomorrow, but now I'm thinking maybe not. I don't want to rush it. Thanks for all the comments of concern by the way. I appreciate them. But, I'm not quitting TKD and I know these kinds of injuries will get fewer as I lose weight and get in better shape. This happened because I didn't stretch as much as usual or hydrate before as much as usual. I was in a rush.  Let this be a lesson to you: Stretch and drink your water!

I've been eating on plan and I'm hoping the scale will move. I am not exactly as focused as usual as I'm still dealing with a lot of family issues. But, my kids are safe and healthy. My husband is wonderfully supportive. My extended family is doing OK. I miss my cousin every day and I guess I'm still in the stage of disbelief. I wake up and think it can't be true only to realize it is. It puts things in perspective for me. Makes me want to get healthier so I can live a happy healthy life with my kids, grand-kids and great-grand-kids. But, my head is often spinning with thoughts and I find it hard to focus.

For now I'm doing the best I can. I'm tracking my food and looking forward to the new challenge meals that start on Friday. I'm re-dedicating myself to follow the plan exactly with the new menus.  Actually having someone tell me what to eat right now is kind of comforting. I am tired of thinking so much and making decisions. 

As for exercise, I'm thinking that I'll try biking tomorrow if I skip TKD as I think I will. I just miss my workouts and I need to do some stretching and core work as well. I miss running a lot, but that's a no go. I tried to "run" into the house to get something this morning and my leg let me know I can't yet. I don't want to end up in a boot for 6 weeks with a complete tear, so I'll be good and take it slow. 
I got an email from a former student today. She had lost a lot of weight last year and was a new runner like me. She told me she's thinking of doing a half-marathon in May and wondered if I wanted to do it with her. I told her there's no way I can this year, but maybe next year? We'll see. I'm almost afraid to state that as a goal. But, I do know running is something I really enjoy so as weird as it is for me it is not outside my imagination. 
That is an NSV of it's own isn't it?  The idea that I can even imagine running for 13.1 miles?  Unimaginable a year ago. Absolutely impossible. In fact 5K was outside my imagination back then and now I know I'll be able to run 3 miles eventually, hopefully soon.

And that was a long post.....What have you been wondering these days? Did you notice the moon a few weeks ago?  What's your favorite zoo animal?  I love love love reading your comments, please leave one.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Weekend Wrap Up

Had a decent weekend. Not as productive as I would've liked. Of course I wanted to take my green belt test, but that didn't happen. Though my leg is tons better, not well, but tons better, I still can't do all that I'd like. We had 60 bags of mulch delivered on Saturday. We bought it from boy scouts and they delivered for a small fee. It was worth it, but I didn't get it spread yet. I'll try this week if my leg is better.

I ate on plan, but didn't exercise much. I did housework and dishes and some simple cleaning and that was about it. I was tired so I took the luxury Saturday afternoon of lying outside in the breeze for a short nap. I love love love naps outside. It started in college. I had a bench on campus that was my got to spot. I'd lie in the sun and nap with my head on my back pack. I always joke that I could nap anywhere and it's true. But my favorite spot is outside in the breeze.

I was very distraught to see that my bench was gone last fall when we walked through campus before one of the football games. They replaced it with a wooden bench with a back, not nearly as comfortable to nap on as my backless concrete one.

Big boy went to birthday party this weekend. When I was a kid it was a few friends, pillows on the floor, and lots of giggles. He gets a trip to a lake house complete with water sports and Xbox games, movies and such. Huh. Doesn't seem fair.

On Friday night we watched Tangled with the kids. It's such a good movie and we enjoyed the family time. My husband and I watched Black Swan this weekend, obviously NOT with the kids. Weirdness.  I'm not sure I liked it or not. It was good and weird. We also spent some time catching up on the TIVO. We watched the whole season of Californication, also not with the kids. Another weird and twisted show, but we like it. I think that must be all we like these days.

Saturday night I had the luxury of a bubble bath. My leg needed the bath and I enjoy the quiet time. Why is that Mom only gets quiet time and naps when she's hurt or sick? I don't know, but I enjoyed it. Even read my book in the bubbles. It was quite nice.

Tomorrow I have a field trip to the zoo with my daughter's class. That's one reason I didn't do much physical stuff. I know I'll have to walk a ton tomorrow and my leg needs to be ready. I think I'll be fine. Today I plan some bike and stretching. I really need to get back to my exercise.

And so here I am on Monday trying to get through the day. I'm tired this morning. Storms woke me last night and I didn't sleep well. But, we needed the rain and so I'll not complain too much. April showers bring May flowers, right? Well, they bring the weeds anyway. I've gotta get out there in the yard this week. So much to do, so little time.

Have a good Monday!  How was your weekend? Do anything exciting or just a quiet time like me?

Friday, April 1, 2011

Son of a.....

Booty-head. As my 5 year old might say.

Well, after all my tough talk about exercise I had a.....mishap? Yesterday in TKD I was sparring. I kicked and went down on my foot weird. Felt a HUGE pop in my calf. I thought it was a cramp at first, but then I KNEW it was bad because I couldn't stand or walk very well. DAAAAAAAAAAMMMMNNN!

So pissed because I was supposed to test for my green belt tomorrow morning and now there's no way it'll happen. Now I have to wait 8 weeks and I already know all the material. I was supposed to do 2 classes yesterday and one today. Not happening.  Ugh.

That's OK. There's always room for improvement. I refuse to quit. I don't care. I don't care if yesterday was a total, "I feel fat and awkward moment" when I got hurt and had to leave class early. I'm going back just as quick as I can. I even did a few kicks today. Just can't get up on my toes yet. At least it's better today and I've been able to get through the day at work without too much trouble.

The leg was totally swollen and my weight is still up. I'm dreading the official weigh in on Sunday. I emailed Allan and told him I was thinking I should quit the challenge since my weight is up and I'm going to mess up the overall numbers and frankly I just feel like a loser, not in a good way. He says I'm not allowed out and that I should forget the numbers. OK. Fine. He's right, I know this. I'm just bummed today.

It's been a week since my cousin's funeral. I am amazed how I can go for a day or two and be fine. Perfectly fine. Then this morning I noticed that the flowers I had from the service are dying and that it's been a week. I cried in the shower this morning. The pain in my leg, the pain in my gut when I saw the scale and then the pain in my heart and......boo hoos happen.

I'm better now. I'm trying to stay focused on the things I am grateful for. I'm trying to think of good thoughts and stay focused on work. I'm trying to do all this without resorting to food as comfort. It is not easy. Old habits die hard, my friends.

When I walked in limping from class yesterday, I came home to fresh baked cookies. Nanny had cooked them for the girls. It's a rare thing in our house, but it happens and it was report card day. So....cookies on the counter. My immediate response was to grab one and chow down. Problem is, I can't only eat one. No cookie for me. But I want one now and I remember how they smell. Good thing I'm not at home and I have carrots in my snack bag.

At least it's Friday and although I'll be bummed when I'm not at TKD in the morning, I'll get through it. I have 60 bags of mulch coming this weekend. They'll be plenty to do. Mulching, planting and another bed to build. 

How do you handle those, "poor me moments" like I had this morning?  I woke up sad and frustrated from the weight gain and feeling like my efforts were being de-railed yet again. What do you do?

Progress to TouchDown and GOALLLL!!