This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Tuesday Tantrums and ...The Journey is the prize!

Tantrums-my children, not mine. Sigh. This sibling relationship stuff is puzzling to us only children. Why oh why do they pick and pick at each other only to result in battles that end in giggling fits. Sigh.  Last night my little one, 5 now, ended up in a full on kicking and screaming tantrum because she didn't want to pick up the 900 stuffed animals she had assembled in the living room. It resulted in Mommy threatening to throw said animals away if she chose not to do it. After much protest, the animals were rescued. Peace was restored.

There are squirrels in our attic. Little bastards. We had a couple of small vents that need repair. The roofers are coming today. So, roof guy told husband to put radios in the attic blaring to get them out before we seal  it. Radios in the attic all night. Good times. I spent the night dreaming of chasing the little rodents. They look soooo cute when they are sitting in a tree eating nuts, but in my house, not so much. And the worthless dog just sits and watches them climb up and down the wall. Sigh.

Yesterday was a great day. After all the foot dragging, I enjoyed my workout with the trainer. Even the sit ups. I did 25 min on the elliptical to warm up. Then bench presses, bicep curls, sit ups, leg lifts, squats and lunges and a bunch of other stuff. It was a really good core workout and I plan to go to the gym tomorrow and repeat it by myself. I'm still trying to adjust to the new schedule with my son's school so am workouts are harder.

After dinner, I spent about 20 min practicing my TKD, the new kicks I learned and such. I have to start reminding my body how to do the new stuff before they throw new things my way. There is more and more material for my old crusty brain to remember. Not to mention my body.  I'm looking forward to class today.  I am so amazed at how much I really like to exercise. I would do more if I could. Sometimes I imagine I can do things when I'm not ready. Last night I seriously considered running, but I knew after that hard workout, I might be too sore.

There's a difference between pushing myself and overdoing it. But, I had a realization yesterday. I always wondered how in the world those people on biggest loser can workout so many hours a day. Now I know. Once you get focused on something and you're in the gym it's not hard to spend hours. I really could see myself doing that. Which is REALLY weird for someone who hated exercise a year ago.  I find myself longing for it and pissed off when I can't. This is totally new for me.

I need to apply this same focus and determination to my diet plan. Seems like I have trouble with both. Oh, I do fine, but not as well as I could. I find myself thinking, "I'm doing the best I can."  a lot. Then yesterday I was asking myself, "REALLY?" Because I KNOW I can do better. There are times when I make poor choices. If I was doing my BEST that wouldn't happen. What I really end up doing is the best that I FEEL like doing at that moment. But, that's not going to get me to my goal.

I'm running in to more and more sabotage. Not on purpose mind you. But there are so many people around me who notice how well I've done. I've been called "skinny" "wasting away" "tiny" in the last month. WTF? I still weigh just under 200 pounds and I'm 5'1".  I am no where near those descriptions. I know these people mean well. I know what they're really saying is, "Wow you look SO much better now." But, what I hear is that I've done so well, I should be nearly done and the scale is far from there.

I was so focused on getting under 200. For AGES that seemed like a very lofty goal, near impossible. I had fooled myself into believing that if I could get under 200 I'd be happy. I was setting the bar low to avoid disappointment. But, now I'm here and I know I have more to do. I know I CAN do more. I can HAVE more. I am not finished. This is just another mental hurdle I'm learning about on this journey.

I have to realize that even when the number on the scale is at goal, there will be another milestone I'm looking for. I'll never be done learning more and achieving more because why would I want to be DONE?  There's always more to do and learn and experience. I feel that way about every other aspect of my life. Why should my health be any different?

This is a totally new concept for me. I always thought if I weighed X on the scale then I'd be happy, finished, complete. The pieces of my life would fall wonderfully in place and I'd live happily ever after. I don't know where I got that idea. I have plenty of thin friends for whom that is not true. Maybe from the whole, "You'd be so pretty if you'd only lose weight." mantra shoved down my throat my whole life.

Now I know that this journey to health, inside and out, being here and experiencing all the wonderful things and new discoveries about myself is really the prize. Just like parenting.  Is the goal really to get the kids grown? NO. It's to love and enjoy and relish everyday with your kids. To feel and learn and teach and LIVE. The journey is the prize. Not the weight on the scale. Not the end of the race. Not the miles you've ran. Not the size of your jeans. It's the journey.

And isn't it wonderful? Is it perfect? No. Are there moments when it feels too hard, not worth it? Of course. Are there times of victory and times where we feel defeated? Yes. It is life. But, we are living it. And I intend to stay on this journey. It is when I'm on the path I feel best. When I'm doing my best for my health, I feel best on the inside. I'm happier, more at peace, more patient, more complete. I never thought I could be this happy and fulfilled without being at my goal weight. Imagine how I'll feel when I'm there. The journey is the prize. I'm not giving up my prize. Are you?


  1. I understand exactly what you mean when you say you could spend hours in a gym once you get going. It feels so good - don't know if it's the focus or what, but I know what you mean. I could easily be on Biggest Loser and wish, in fact, I had several hours a day to dedicate to getting fit and healthy. I, too, am 5'1" and weigh 200 pounds. It sucks to be hauling this load around and I'm just beginning my journey to health. I hate the size of my jeans, but I'll try to remember what you said about enjoying the journey and new discoveries- inside and out. Great post. I enjoyed reading it very much.
    Jackie in Colorado

  2. The journey is the prize, because we are learning and discovering a whole new world that has previously been denied to us. We are awakening, and it is so exhilarating! Keep going, Dr. F.


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