Wednesday Wonders

So last week I did a post on things I wonder about. I've decided to keep it as a regular because frankly, I think about some weird and funny and strange stuff and I like rehashing it here. Plus, you all responded with so much cool wonders of your own that I've decided I like knowing that I'm not the only one who wonders about weird shit.  So here we go for today:

I wonder:

• Why the "employee of the month" at the pre-school/day care is driving a Lexus? Seriously.  This makes me wonder if that's why our tuition is so high. I mean it's a nice place and all, but wow. It amazes my how much child care costs.

• Why my 13 year old son feels it is necessary to point out everything his younger sisters do wrong? Really? You're like twice their age and we still need to tattle. And then it starts the, "no I didn't." "Did too!" Crap and then it usually ends with me breaking up an oncoming fight which can be bad considering all 3 of them are in TKD. See why I had to start?  Am I the only one whose kids do this?  I have no frame of reference since I'm an only child.

• Why my children are suddenly so interested in what I'm doing the minute I start to do something I enjoy?  They seem to completely ignore me when I'm cleaning, doing dishes, cooking even. But, the minute I sit down to read, watch my show or even practice TKD, they are all over me like flies to honey. It's annoying. Or when I want to give them attention, they are too grumpy, too whiny, too busy, too silly, too...whatever. Sigh. All I know is I am trying to remind myself that there's a time coming when they won't care what I'm doing either way and take what I can get.

• Why grown women still gossip like they are in high school? I loved high school. I had a lot of friends. I was in drama and lots of clubs. I never had a boyfriend, but overall high school was awesome for me. I have absolutely no desire to return there. My BFF and I were never ones to gossip that much and now at  over 40 (still makes me a little nauseated to type that BTW) I see absolutely no point. I just don't get it. I do not care if "she looked at me funny". If "she took my paperclips".  If "she said my kids were spoiled." If "she likes her better than me". If "she walked down the hall and didn't say hi to me". I'm too busy. I have things to do. I don't get the need to spend my time and energy on non-productive things like gossip. I really don't care if you like me or not. I really don't.  What you see is what you get with me. I don't pretend. I don't put on faces and say one thing, do another. I don't get people that do. I have an entire office full of women and well.....sometimes I wonder if testosterone wouldn't be a good thing. There are just so many more important things in the world to talk about and experience than that kind of petty stuff. Sigh.

• Why there are people on facebook that feel the need to rehash their entire divorce in public? I get that facebook is about sharing what's up with you, but smearing your soon to be ex, no matter how much an a-hole doesn't make sense to me. It also doesn't make sense that his lawyer could be seeing all the details you are posting. It makes me squirm with discomfort.

• Why some people on facebook only post happy happy happy things? OK. Look. I'm an addict. I admit it. I love facebook. It's helped me get reconnected and stay connected with a lot of people I really like, but wouldn't otherwise get to "talk to". However I really get get tired of the overly too happy posts. Maybe I'm just a pessimist or maybe I'm a realist. No body is THAT happy all the damn time. It's again with the whole being myself thing. I don't pretend. I find it hard to believe someone's life is consistently that awesome all the time. And while we're on the subject, I wonder why I'm "friends" with you if all you ever post is something about your business or that you want to sell. I don't mind my friends posting that stuff if it isn't the ONLY stuff they post.

•  Why people are surprised? Several times lately I've had patients who have come into my office after a long long time of going to the doctor. They have a "scary symptom" and when I tell them it could be something scary or they are diagnosed with something scary, they are shocked. Denial is a powerful thing, I guess. I always feel sorry for those people. They are usually the ones that say "if I have something, I don't want to know about it". And when they do find out, they are so very sorry they didn't come in sooner. Please don't be those people. See a doctor regularly. Speaking of. I need to schedule my mammogram.....

Well, that's if for my wonderings today. Let me know what you've been wondering about lately.  Do you wonder about random things? I do. Today I have on tap TKD, at least one class, maybe 2 and healthy plan eating. I wonder how it will turn out........more later.

What's your excuse?

Here's a summary of my day yesterday:
6:00am: Get up, get dressed,
6:15am: Take son to school
6:40am: Back home, girls fed, make up on, school supplies ready.
7:45am: Take daughter to school, Pickup mom at car place. Take Mom home. Take other daughter to school. Go to Target for errands. Chugging water.
9:00am: Arrive at work.
9:05am: Working
11:30am: Change for TKD. Drive to class while chugging water
12:00pm: In class
1:05pm: In car on way home to change, chugging more water
2:00pm: In car after shower and change and quick lunch. Chugging yet MORE water
2:15pm: At work. Working.
5:00pm: Done w/ patients doing paper work.
5:30pm: In car on way BACK to TKD . Yes chugging water. And snack-almonds 100cals
6:00pm At TKD, change clothes. YEAH my extra uniform came in. Now I have 2 and don't have to wear smelly one.
6:30pm: In class. Asking myself why I'm doing this as I am tired. And hungry.
7:00pm: Kicking and drills completed. Sweating my brains out. So tired. Can't stop. Won't stop.
7:20pm: Class over. Happy smile. Tired. Sore. Dragging Ass.
7:30pm: Back in car. You know what I'm chugging.

I did two, THAT'S RIGHT two TKD classes yesterday. That means I did a total of:
180 crunches, 30 push ups, lots of stretches. 40 jumping jacks. 20 minutes of kicking. 20-30 min of being thrown on the ground and throwing people on the ground. A bunch of practice on my forms. Lots of punching.

It was awesome. I got home at nearly 8pm. I walked in to kids needing baths, homework. Lunches to pack, trash to take out. I had to shower and eat. Get kids to bed, read, including hugs and kisses, of course. AFTER THAT, I spent at least 1.5 hours doing paperwork so I wouldn't start today behind.  All this after the emotional hell of last week, which frankly isn't over. Won't ever be over, but I am managing.

And so I ask you:  What's your excuse?  

If you are one of those people who just "hasn't had time" to exercise, why not?
If you are one of those people that just "doesn't like exercise", so what?
If you are one of those people that "used to be an athlete", why aren't you now?
If you are watching your diet, but just haven't gotten "motivated" to add exercise, WHY not?


I had at LEAST 10 patients tell me that they just didn't have time to exercise this week already. They were just "too tired" when they got home from work. They get up too early. They are so busy all day. They are always running they're kids around. Or they are "really active" at work so they don't have to exercise.
Or exercise is just "really hard for me".

Really? REALLY?

I am soooooo tired of the excuses. Do you think I WANTED to go to  one class, let alone ANOTHER class last night? NO. Why did I? Because I need to exercise. I'm trying to lose weight. I HAVE A GOAL. I'm going to test this weekend and I needed the practice.  AND finally...........FINALLY....I like it. I do. I love it. I never dreamed it. I've never ever been one to work out. (DUH.  See starting weight.)

Do you think when I started all this a year ago that I enjoyed working out? That I looked forward to going to the gym? That walking was a breeze even? NO!

Do you think I LOVED exercise at first? That it was easy for me? That I knew what I was doing? NO!

Do you think it's a breeze now? That I sail through these workouts? That I don't sweat and groan and moan? That I don't wake up sore and stiff and wondering what the HELL I'm thinking as a 40 something mother of 3 trying to do these things MUCH younger and MUCH thinner people have trouble with?

The first time I went to the gym by myself I had a panic attack. No joke. I was sweaty, heart racing, chest thumping and this was BEFORE I walked in the door.  I'd never used an elliptical. NEVER used a weight machine. NEVER even SEEN half of them. NEVER BEEN IN A GYM other than once or twice in college.

So I ask you again: WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?

What's stopping you? Why aren't you doing what you KNOW your body needs? What you know will help you feel better, lose weight, be toned? What are you waiting for?

Do your muscles ache? Do your joints ache? Do you have trouble getting short of breath when you move? Exercise will help you. I promise. (see your doctor of course before you start exercise).

Do you take a handful of pills in the morning? Are you tired of dreading seeing your doctor?  Exercise will help you.

What can it hurt?   Your body is meant to move. We're built that way. We are not built to sit and watch TV and play computer and type on our blogs. If you are spending more time on your blogging than you are exercising, YOU NEED TO RETHINK.

I don't care what you pick. Walk, run, bike, jog, zumba, aeorbics, elliptical, treadmill, skating, swimming, water walking, water aerobics, martial arts, DVDs at home, Wii Fit,  or dance naked in your living room for all I care, but you have GOT to move.  You do not need fancy equipment. You do not have to join a gym. You don't need a trainer. You don't have to take a class. You do not have to know how to swim. You don't need a bike or weights or stairmaster or ab-machine. Just MOVE.


I know ALL the excuses. I've used them all. Part of me still tries sometimes. But, that person is almost gone from me now. The new me is different. And I'm so glad.


At first this was me in my head: I'm tired. I can't. I don't want to. I don't like it. I'm too busy. I'm too stressed.
With only a little of this: Yes you can.  You aren't that tired. You'll learn to like it somehow. You'd be a lot less busy if you die. Death is a GREAT stress reliever.


Now, I'm generally excited to get time to workout and pissed when I don't. That's my time. That's me getting healthier, thinner, faster, stronger time. And no one is standing in my way of that. ESPECIALLY not me.


News flash: NO ONE CAN DO THIS FOR YOU. You are on your own. It's your choice. You alone control your fate. You can either move or not move. You can chose to pretend everything is OK. You can lose weight without exercise, well for a while at least. You can keep dishing out these excuses to yourself.  But to be healthy and active and LIVE you have to move.

So for the last time: What's your excuse?

Are you accomplishing your exercise goals? Have you set some? How often are you exercising? What's your favorite excuse for not exercising?  How do you get yourself to exercise even when you don't feel like it?

Back to Business

Today has been a better day. It feels good to get back in a routine. Focus on getting things done. Work has been busy. What's new? I guess I should stop even posting that. It's crazy in the office. We've been short handed and that makes it worse. Makes people irritable. Co-workers, patients, office staff.

And....WHERE did spring go? Dang it was down right cold here today. In the 50-60s and raining. Good for business though. We needed the rain so I'm happy to see it. As long as it dries up like they say this weekend. I've got yard work and gardening to do. Sixty bags of mulch will be delivered on Saturday. Guess what my workout will be this weekend?

Yesterday I did OK with the eating. I have to say I was not "on plan" as I honestly haven't had the energy to look at the new stuff. I did review what's starting tomorrow and I'm ready for it, mostly. I've not had time to get to the store after last week yet. I have most things I need and what I don't I have something close until I can get to the store. Another busy week w/ kiddos and such.  Again, what else is new?

So today I've eaten well and I've gotten the water in the last 2 days.  I don't know why that I continue to be surprised at how much better I feel when I'm doing all my "stuff".  I didn't do nearly 1/2 the normal water last week. Two days later and I feel better.  Of course I slept last night. Finally. Amazing what that'll do also.  I weighed this am and I'm still up from my previous weight, but I'm down a pound. So at least I'm headed back in the right direction.

I went to TKD class today at lunch. Found out I should be testing Saturday for my green belt. That's really exciting for me. I still marvel at how much I love it.  This weekend when things got to be too much, I went outside and just practiced my kicks and forms. It's so relaxing. You just focus on the moves, your breathing, your body. I would go to class every day if I could. Despite the 120 crunches we did today. Ugh. I hadn't done them in over a week. Ouchy. And now because I'm testing this weekend I'm heading back to another class as soon as I leave work.

Feels so good to stretch and move and breathe and kick the crap outta something. Oh, and hit things and throw people on the ground. And learning new things. That too. Helps take my mind off the last 2 weeks and relieve the stress. If you don't regularly hit or kick the heck out of some inanimate object, you really should consider it.  Plus the workout is awesome.

Wish I had something inspiring to say or new or amazing to post. Truth is, most of this weight loss business is doing the right stuff over and over and over and over and over and over again. Eat, drink, move. Simple really.  Why it took me so long to figure out, I do not know.  But if you are having trouble losing right now, chances are you haven't been doing what you're supposed to enough days in a row.  Keep going. It'll happen.  Just like it'll happen again for me. The scale will move. I'm not done yet. Not even close. And I'm not just talking about the number on the scale.

So I'll leave you with this question:  What is something NEW you're doing lately to change up your workouts? Is there something you've been thinking about trying, but haven't yet? Why not?

Waking Up.

The last week has been like a bad dream. My mind has been filled with a fog that has kept me unfocused and unmotivated. I haven't slept much and that makes it worse. The funeral for my cousin was on Friday. It was the hardest funeral I've ever been to. I've been to a lot, unfortunately. But, saying goodbye to someone who was like a brother to me has left me confused, angry, guilty, and desperately sad.

I've spent a lot of time in quiet thought and prayer and today I woke up feeling a little better. I woke up feeling like I'd slept. I woke up without memories of terrible dreams. I woke up wishing I could sleep more since I finally had a little rest.

Last Wednesday evening after work I headed home to Oklahoma.  It was comforting to be home among family and friends. I just wanted to help. To do something, anything. I certainly couldn't focus on work. Thursday we spent the day finishing the funeral arrangements. Part of that meant that I spent hours and hours going through family photos. That was very hard. But, I knew my Aunt could not do it.  Photos like these.

My cousin and I about age 3

It's Oklahoma, what can I say.

There are so many more.  We went to the cemetery, the funeral home, ran some errands. There is a lot of paperwork and chores associated with death. Hard decisions to make. I've learned that you really need to sit down and put in writing your wishes so it's not so hard on your family. My husband and I are going to work on this very soon.

The funeral was.....a good service. There were so many people there which is good for the support, but bad because you almost feel like your grief is on public display. But, that is how it's done. And then there was the food.

I don't know about where you are from, but in the south death=food. People start bringing stuff the minute the news gets out and continues for days and days. It's wonderful and yet not. At least we didn't have to think about food and the house was full of people so we didn't have to entertain or prepare anything. It's just another way people can show you that they care. And if you read my blog you know how food=love in my family.

On the bright side, I learned that my new body really does have to move. I hadn't worked out all week and when I woke up Thursday, I had to. HAD to. I decided to go for a walk/jog. I did C25K.  I learned one thing. Running while crying is damn hard. Between the cool air, the pollen and the tears, it wasn't too easy and I didn't go very fast. I didn't realize how many angry and sad songs I have on my iphone. Gotta work on that.  Anyway, after I felt a little better. I did some TKD practice and stretches after.

I can't tell you how many people told me how different I looked. How good I looked. How they didn't even recognize me at first. I've gotten used to these sorts of comments. It was just weird when I felt so bad on the inside.

Saturday I drove my Aunt and my Great-Aunt to the beauty shop. Another southern "old lady" thing. Saturday morning you get your hair fixed for church the next day. I was surprised she wanted to go, but I guess routine is a comfort in some ways. By chance there was a park next door with a walking track. So I went out, in the cold, and by cold I mean 45ish, and walked. I did 1.5 miles.

I also woke up this morning realizing that this crap-food fest I've been on has to be over. For one thing I gained 4 pounds. I am bloated and just plain icky. My stomach was queasy and gross last night after the Arby's drive through we had on the way home. I can't even begin to tell you how many calories I've consumed. There's been cake, cookies, Cokes, alcohol, pies, fried chicken, baked beans, greek food, pizza, lasagna and so much more. The truth is I didn't enjoy it nearly as much I used to. I found myself eating out of habit. I'm a little ashamed about that.

So now I am getting back on track. With my eating, with my exercise, with my emotions, with my schedule. As hard as it is, life must go on. And I'll be damned if the hard work I've done to improve my life is undone by tragedy.  There are those in this world dealing with much worse than I. I will turn my thoughts and prayers toward gratitude. For the times and memories I have of my cousin. For the love of my family and friends. For the career and talents God has given me. For the things I've learned over the last year of healthy changes. For the things I can do now that I couldn't before. For the future whatever it may hold. I will focus on my blessings and that will get me through.

What are you grateful for today?  Have you had those difficult conversations with your family about your wishes?  How are you waking up on this Monday morning?

I wonder....

• How many calories do you burn when you are crying? That's about the only workout I've gotten this week. I mean, if knitting burns 50 calories, then shouldn't crying?  Gotta find the humor where I can.
• How long I can go without watching or reading any news?  Seriously. Lately it's like a freaking horror movie. I have to pause the TV whenever the kids walk in the room. It's like Armageddon out there people. How many wars are we going to fight? Was there a BOGO sale? No matter your political views and I certainly am NOT starting any discussion about that. But....geesh. I am seriously fighting the urge to stock pile food, water and weapons for the oncoming assault of zombies.
• Why I insist on stepping on and off, on and off, on and off my scale every time I weigh. I mean, is the number going to be different? And yet..OCD me... I have to weigh like 3 times. This morning I did that. Do. Not. Ask. 
• If there can be a more beautiful sight than my little daughters happily picking spring flowers?  Well.......flowers is a stretch. More like weeds. BUT, pretty ones. I came home to a little bud vase full of them yesterday. To cheer me up they said. So sweet.
• Why vitamins have to taste sooooooo nasty? And why are they so big? I've tried tons of them. They all suck. But, I still take them. And they make me feel better. But, they are yucky.
• Why my 5 year old INSISTS that any sock she tries doesn't, "feel right"? Seriously. What is it with little kids and their picky dressing habits? Sigh. It's a fight every day. I've given up on it. Socks or no socks. Whatever. 
• Why my 13 year old son doesn't hear me call him 50 times at the top of my lungs when I need him to take out the trash, but if I even whisper in the next room about  possibly going to see a movie, he's there in a flash?  Is it a Y chromosome thing or a teenager thing?
• Why I feel so sad that the little Korean lady is moving and won't be my patient anymore? It amazes me how attached I get to some patients.  She says she's coming back once a year for a physical. Hope so.
• Why some people INSIST on weaving in an out of traffic to save that 2 seconds of drive time? Really. Is it THAT important? Texans are freaking pyscho drivers. Southern Hospitality my ass. At least behind the wheel that is.
• If I'll ever be free of my food issues? It is better. So I have hope. I do not immediately dive into food like I did before. I do not have ANY desire to drive through and get food like I used to and eat it in my car. Alone. But, yesterday I didn't eat breakfast. Not on purpose. Just forgot to eat. Please stop and read that again. I. Forgot. To. EAT. WTH? I am so proud of that and yet, it led to what happened at lunch. A binge. Well......a binge in an entirely different sense of the word. I had about 3 oz of bison steak left overs, green beans, a little quinoa left over and 1/2 a baked sweet potato (very small one).  After all that I ate 1 cup of 90 cal sugar free low fat ice cream. PLUS I had a piece of pumpernickel bread with butter. That's a binge my friends. I felt full and stuffed and gross. Then I realized I didn't "feel" anything but full and stuffed. For a while that's all I thought about. Light bulb moment. The rest of the day I didn't eat, nor did I drink much. I just haven't gotten my water in. I know better and today I'm trying harder. Last night I got home at 6:30 from picking up kids at TKD and I did not want to eat. I didn't eat anything else all day. At around 11:30pm when I couldn't sleep, I wanted something. But, I didn't need it so I tried to sleep instead.   I think, maybe, possibly, I am making progress on this food thing. And though the number on the scale was not making me happy, up 2.5, I know most of it is water weight and it's coming back off. I'm just having trouble focusing on anything this week. Well........I'm focused on something, but it isn't my food or exercise. 

Are there things YOU wonder? Love to read about it in your comments or on your blogs. Please keep writing. It helps me to keep my mind off everything. I can read about you all and it helps distract me, inspire me, humor me, and keep me , at least for those few moments, sane in an insane time for me. 

The call.

"Doctor, the medical examiner is on  the phone for you."

Words you never want to hear. Especially on a Monday morning. After being in practice for the last 12 years, I've gotten many calls I'd rather not. These calls are never fun. They mean someone has died, either at home or in unclear circumstances. It usually means that the medical examiner either needs me to sign a death certificate or provide insight on the medical problems of the deceased.

It also means I've lost a patient. This elicits a whole host of emotions. You feel sad for the family. Sad for the loss of the patient. Sometimes you feel sad because the patient was someone you liked, enjoyed, bonded with, a "favorite".  Sometimes there's relief. You know that patient was suffering and very sick. and you know that is finally over for them.

Sometimes there is shock because it was unexpected. Unfortunately this can lead to guilt. Sometimes as a physician there are patients that no matter how hard we try, we just can't establish a relationship with. You can't relate to them. Or frankly, there are patients that are just plain annoying. Either because of their refusing to follow our advice or because they are just plain an unpleasant person to be around. You find yourself wondering if there was something more you could have done or said. Some other way to break through to the patient.

And then there's the shame because on some level you are relieved that you won't have to have yet another visit with that patient that is confrontational or just plain ignores what we say.  This is usually followed by a smidgen of fear. Medical examiner=patient death=possibility of a law suit. It may seem crass or mean, but these calls always include a little fear for me. Did I do something wrong? Did I miss something? Did I document all those times I told her to take her insulin and see the specialist and she refused?  Did I prescribe the right meds? Did I try hard enough? Did I make a mistake?

It's a fear we live with everyday as physicians. And to be honest a fear that drives many of our actions. It is a fear that is healthy in some ways. We have to remember that the decisions we make have huge consequences. We have to be careful and thoughtful and educated. But, we can't let that fear be paralyzing. We can't be so afraid of making a mistake that we do nothing. Sometimes this is much worse.

Twice this week I've gotten that call. Twice too many. Luckily it's not a call I get often. And whether I like it or not, these calls won't be the last. One was a patient that was too young. It was sad, but not surprising. We tell patients that if you don't take your medicine or follow advice you will die, but I don't think they always believe us.

The other patient was old and it wasn't a surprise. But, I had just seen her last week. She seemed good, getting better, on the mend. She had a fall and with her blood thinners this resulted in a fatal injury. I was sad to see her go. And I am ashamed to admit that I was glad that I was not the one managing that blood thinner.  I was relieved that I don't have to sign the death certificate since the death included a trauma.  But, so sad that she seemed better the last time we met. Is there something I could have done differently?

It's OK to work through these feelings. We have to. We're human and we have to let ourselves feel. In my opinion good doctors are in touch with how they feel and this helps us relate more to our patients. We can't be robots. We can't be super-human either.

I joked with the guy on the phone letting him know that I liked him fine, but I'd rather not hear from him. And then I felt bad. Can't be any easier to be on the other end of that call, can it?  But that is life. We do the best we can. And sooner or later we will all be the subject of one of those calls.  Until then, I'll keep striving to be the best physician I can be. The best mommy. The best wife. The best me.

Of course all that doesn't mean I won't cringe when I hear, "Doctor the medical examiner is on the phone."

****************************************

I wrote this post a few weeks ago, long before my cousin died this week. I hadn't posted it yet as I had written it and then didn't know if I wanted to. I stumbled across it today and was struck that this week I'm experiencing that call from the family side and not the medical side. Waiting on the death certificate and cause of death and all that.  Understanding how the system works helps at least a little.   I ate dinner last night, but realized just about an hour ago that I ate nothing yet today. I had a couple of cheese sticks. I'm trying not to give in to the cravings and the old crutches of food, particularly sodas. I made myself drink some water this morning. I am trying. I will not give up.

I realized today that it was exactly one year ago today that I started this life change.  I started logging my food and such.  In that time I've lost about 55 pounds (assuming I haven't gained any the last few days. I have not weighed and really can't face doing that yet.).  I started blogging 9 months ago. It was the best thing I've done for my health. No joking. Stumbling across this blog world where I have support and can find inspiration and ideas and recipes has helped so much. Of course I had to do the work of diet and exercise.

In the wake of what's happened this week, I have been struggling. I have not worked out. I didn't go to TKD. I am honestly too tired and I haven't slept. But......I will. I will get back to balance with exercise and diet. I will move forward toward my goals. I will get through this terrible time.  I am stronger now than I've ever been, mentally and physically.  I will not quit.

Heavy...

Hearted.

That's me today.  I was cooking breakfast yesterday when I got the call. I had planned my menus for the week. Grocery list ready. I had even weighed and sent it to Allan and on time.  I had a great Spring Break rap up post planned. It was full of pictures of the great meals I had made and the work outs I'd done and the fun that we'd had.

Then I got the call.

My Cousin was gone. They found him yesterday morning. We don't know what happened. He was 39.

I am an only child. We grew up living next door. He was the brother I never had. He was my friend.

I drove to Oklahoma yesterday and back this morning to be at the office. I was off all last week and can't afford to be off much more. I'll go back for the service of course, but I wish I was there now.

And so challenges and meal plans and calorie counts seem less important to me today. Although I found myself with no appetite yesterday. A new experience for me. I found myself not interested in cookies, cakes and pies. I ate the banana instead. Weird. I did drink a coke. A real one.  And in a moment of desperation to feel "normal" I ate a brownie. Just silly. Because it didn't help. I didn't feel better and I didn't get a sugar high. All I felt was sad and numb. And I realized again that food is just food.

And once again....newsflash....this is life. Happy and sad and angry and tired and all the feelings we feel and experiences we have. I refuse to fall back into the trap of using food for comfort. Instead I'll use the comfort of my family and friends. 

I may not post a lot this week. Or then again I may. But, I won't be gone for long. This healthy change I've made is for life. All of it.

So I wish for you a good week. And I hope that you never forget to tell your family you love them. Hug them when you can. Don't let feelings go unsaid. There may not be another chance.

What a great day.

Today was a great day. I spent it hanging out with my BFF.  It was a relaxing day and we had a great time visiting. We don't get too many chances to hang out without kids so we relish that time. We started the day with a trip to the gym. We warmed up on the elliptical and then trained with my trainer for an hour. It's fun having someone else to train with. Helped the time pass faster.

We did sit ups, push ups, leg lifts, chest presses, hammer curls and squats and other stuff I don't remember. It was a good workout and we were tired and hungry when done. After a much needed shower, we decided to see a movie at the fancy place. We had an hour to kill so we hit the shops nearby.

We have both lost weight over this last year and we are both struggling with our new sizes. Not in a bad way, but it is overwhelming to not know what size you are. I've known my size for years. I've never shopped in regular stores. When you are plus sized, you are usually confined to a small area of any store. Now, we can look through the whole thing. It is exciting, but sometimes overstimulating. We went to JCP and shopped for some shirts. I bought a few XL and a couple L. Just some simple spring shirts, but I needed them.

Trying on clothes and walking through the bathing suits is very motivating. I even tried on a few dresses. I have my med school reunion in May and I think I'm going. I'm sorta ambivalent, but I'm thinking about it. I tried on a few dresses. Seems I'm between sizes and I think I will be down in to a solid 14 dress. That's a biggie. I can wear 14 jeans and pants, but the girls, well...still big. Smaller, but big so dresses are not quite there. I'll wait until closer and look again.

We saw The Adjustment Bureau at the movie and it was good. Not amazing, but that's ok. It was entertaining and we enjoyed it. We had the house salad and the grilled asparagus. We got the filet sliders and halfed them, that's one and 1/2 each. It was tasty and just enough.

After the movie we did a little more shopping and then home to the kids. Little girl is better, still has fever, not as often. I'll be glad when everyone is well again. I'll be working tomorrow and then off on Friday. I'm really enjoying my time off. I needed a break badly.

I've been around, reading blogs and such. Hope you are all having a good week. See you tomorrow!

Boring day but, that's ok.

Yesterday I spent most of the day again dealing with my poor sick kiddo. I was able to get some housework done which was nice. She actually took a short nap in the afternoon. the kids and I watched a couple of movies last night and then to bed. We were up several times but she did get some sleep.

This morning we slept in a while.We both needed it. Can't tell you how glad I was that I didn't have to work today. Nanny came and I left to run errands around noon. Got the oil changed, tires rotated and grocery store. I also went to the pet place to get a new light bulb for the turtle and sand for the gecko.  Some fun Spring Break, eh?  I didn't work out yet today. I am going to do some TKD and I had planned to run when I got home, but we had storms here so it didn't happen yet. I can always hit the treadmill.

BFF arrived today and I'm so excited. We have a girl's day on tap for tomorrow including a stop at the gym and hopefully time with the trainer which should be good. Then maybe some shopping, movie and lunch together. It's rare we get time sans kids so it will be fun.

My post today is boring. Nothing very thoughtful or insightful to say. Just persevere and be consistent. That's all I can do. Day in and day out. It isn't fun or exciting. Sometimes it is frustrating and irritating. But the end results is that I am getting healthier and I am happier than I've ever been. That's what it's all about. And now it's time for more advil for the kiddo.....

Will the sickness ever end???

Well, today was...unproductive at best. My littlest daughter is now sick. Older sister has been fever free for 48hr, but now the little one has fever 102. Virus city around here I guess. This has resulted in Mommy needed round the clock for cuddling and other comforts. So I haven't exercised or done much of anything including exercise.

It has also resulted in mild overeating. I say mild because it hasn't been huge, but a little.  I had a piece of pizza for the first time in a LONG time and I'll tell you it tasted good and now I'm totally sicko. Yuck. I can't eat that crap anymore.  No good at all. For dinner I had some grapes. This having sick kids thing is getting REALLY old. And I am still lacking in sleep although I did sleep in today. Little girl arrived in my bed this am with a high fever again. I was able to get her down for a nap this afternoon which means I got a much needed one as well. So far none of my big plans for house work and such are getting done, but....whatcha gonna do?

Yesterday my husband and I went to see Battle Los Angeles and it was really good. If you like action flicks with lots of special effects and things blowing up and battles against evil aliens and such, which we do. I really loved it. Nana took the big boy to see it today and they loved it as well. The theater is the one with the restaurant. I was most proud of myself because I wanted the bbq ribs, but I had the black bean burger instead. No bun and diet dp instead of the margarita I wanted. You know, when you haven't had diet drinks in forever they taste pretty awesome. It was kind of a nice treat.  I had planned the salad, but I had one for lunch and I just couldn't again.

I've gotta go little girl is calling again........see you tomorrow.........

Simple Saturday

Yesterday ended up pretty well. After work I made it to TKD class. I was really glad since there's no class next week. It was a rough work out, but fun. My daughter is better and she ahd only a fever yesterday evening early and none since. (yeah!)  Bad news is when I walked in from TKD last night the little one had copious amounts of goo coming out of her eyes. Yep...pink eye. Dang it. So I called in some drops and she's better today and I am washing and disinfecting the heck outta this place.

Yesterday food went well. Calories were 1047. Today I weighed in and finally lost a pound. Feels good to see the scale finally move. This morning I went out for the first run since I hurt my hamstring. It went ok. I had to walk the last 15sec of one of the 3min intervals because I was headed up a hill. After I was only a little sore. i stretched and iced. Feels ok now.

Hubby and I are going to a home owners meeting in a bit. Here in Texas home owners associations have a lot of power so it behooves you to be involved. After we're going to dinner and movie to see Battle LA. Looks good. We're going to the theater/restaurant and I plan a salad and grilled chicken.  Wish I understood why some days I'm hungrier than others. Today seems to be a hungry day, but I'm ignoring it.

I'll leave you with some pic from my walk/run. I did C25K week 3 day 2. I'll finish this program if it kills me.

That's all for today. Have a great Saturday!

These daffodils always remind me of my grandma's garden!

Red Bud tree. State tree of Oklahoma! Boomer!

Bradford pear blooming. Achoooo

Friday. FINALLY!

Yesterday was a blur of work and worry. I had my daughter come in and see my NP, we ordered blood, urine and an ultrasound and luckily all is normal so far. She still had fever yesterday and this am although she went 15hours between temps this time. So, that is an improvement. I have still not slept a full night, but as long as she gets better that's all that matters.

I didn't get to workout yesterday as I missed TKD to take my daughter to the hospital for her test. After work, I had my son's open house so for the 3rd time this week, I got home after 8pm.  Dinner was some hot tea with honey and a few crackers as I just was tired and not hungry. Total calories 926.

This morning I got up early to catch up on work that backed up because of activities yesterday and the fact that I was so tired last night I had to go to bed at 9pm. I just couldn't think straight. So I didn't work out this morning. I am planning a TKD class this evening as hubby is home with little girl. As long as I can get done at work.  I'm determined to do it because the TKD gym is closed next week for spring break. They are just doing a kids camp next week.

I'm taking most of next week off to do work around the house and spend time with the kids. I really can't afford it financially, but I really can't afford not to other wise. It is a much needed break. I need an oil change in the car and tires rotated and my garden needs to be readied and shrubs trimmed and I have some planting to do, work on the pool, fertilize the lawn, clean out my closets.  I know it doesn't sound like much rest time in there, but there will be some. And I am planning one day just for by myself stuff. Maybe a massage and a movie.  Just a short break from the daily grind will be great.  And I always feel better when I can get some To-Do list crap done and off my list (an back).   I only hope that my kiddo is well because we were thinking of camping a couple of days or at least a couple of day trips.

I'm also looking forward to some time for walks/running. I am hoping to go to the park tomorrow morning since the weather should be nice. We'll see. At any rate, I can get some down time and that sounds great right now.  I figure I can try to do the C25K and if I can't run with the hamstring, I'll just walk it. It is a lot better, not perfect, but better.

Is it me or is it quiet in blog world? Or have a lot of the blogs I read stopped writing or slowed down?  I've found myself looking for some new blogs to read as my reader is not nearly as full lately. If you have a blog and I don't already follow you, let me know and I'll check it out.  Hope you all have a good weekend and stay on track!

I measured and God Bless 'Em

Where to start? Let's see. Kid's still sick. Still having fever and now my over educated and worried Mommy brain is kicking in. I really wish sometimes that I didn't know about scary things like endocarditis and meningitis and sinus abscesses and appendicitis and Kawasaki syndrome.  So today I'm having my NP take an objective look at her and see what she thinks. Another night with no sleep and my brain may literally explode.

Yesterday didn't end as I planned and I'm tiring of writing that.  Wondering why I plan at all. Wah wah wah. That's my life. So I went at lunch to pick up kiddo and had to go by Wal-mart to pick up sprite and jello for my kid. That little side trip meant no walking yesterday. I did spent a little time working on TKD, but I don't count those times as "working out".

I was starving by the time I got home last night. I'd had tuna w/ a green salad at lunch and no snacks. I was home in time to eat a decent dinner and I actually got to cook a little. Tilapia, broccoli and oven roasted potatoes with a salad. It was yummy. I splurged and made salad dressing with some flavored oil and vinegar I'd bought at the farmer's market a while back. Sure beats the heck out of the low fat/no fat stuff I've been eating. I usually don't want the extra fat or calories, but I'd only had a little over 500cal before dinner last night.

I am addicted to weighing. I swear we need a 12 step program or something. So my weight was up a little this am and I am still irritated. BUT, I did measure and I've lost another 5.5 inches since Christmas. That's a total of 44.5 inches lost since last June. I guess I'm averaging 5 inches lost each month. That's good steady loss. I'll take it.  I have not worked out as much the last week or so with the sick kid.  And then I looked back to when weight loss was faster and more steady. I realize I did better with weight loss when I had morning cardio going everyday. So although it means getting up earlier, like 5 or just before, I'm determined to get that going again.

I used to do morning cardio AND my trips to the gym and since TKD I've been more sore and not doing as much additional cardio. Don't get me wrong I'm still doing 5-6 days a week of exercise.  I think I'm building muscle, well I know I am and that's great because muscle will help me burn more calories. BUT, I still want the scale to move and that means sacrifice. SO earlier bed times and more early workouts are in my future.

Today though I'm focused on my kid and making sure she is OK. We'll be running some tests and hopefully all will be normal.   I will probably not be going to TKD today as we have to get an ultrasound done.  Honestly I don't know how parents of kids with serious illnesses do it. God bless them. It's so hard when your kids are sick. SO hard.  Today I say a prayer of thanks that my kids have been healthy and please let it stay that way. And a prayer for all those parents who've experience serious illness with their kids.

It's a NEW day......thank goodness!

Well, my daughter is still stick. Still had fever this morning. Geesh. BUT, she slept all night so that means I slept. She is home today and although she's better, she's not well and we'll keep up the fluids and meds and such.

Yesterday was a hectic day. And I'm not kidding. It went something like this:

6:15am Son to track practice
8:00am Little girl to school, Big girls meds and kisses and hugs as I leave and Nanny arrives
10:00am In clinic working, depressed and sobbing patient.
11:00am In clinic and discover pt has life threatening lung blood clots. Sent to ER for admission after panicked call from radiologist.
12:15pm Finish am clinic. Damn. Missed TKD again. Crap. Paperwork, call husband and make arrangements to go to night class. Realize I'll have to go from work to Daughter's open house and THEN to TKD. Decide to work through lunch and catch up on paperwork.
12:45pm SHIT! Forgot I told Nanny I'd pick up little girl from school after TKD. Rush to get her by 1pm
1:20pm Arrive home to drop off little girl. Check on sicky. She's better, not great. Grab a yogurt and banana and protein bar for snack/lunch and drive back to office for paperwork.
2:30pm Seeing patients in office. Discover one patient was abused and threatened by partner. Counseling and such arranged.
4:00pm Old lady with bad pneumonia refuses to go to hospital. Arrangements made for home oxygen and such made.
4:15pm Received call regarding need to pick up freakin stupid frozen cookie dough sold a month ago. DANG IT!
4:45pm Finally finish with patients and rush to daughter's school
5:15pm Back at work and deliver cookie dough. Rush home to drop off rest.
5:30pm Take son to TKD for his class
6:00pm Try to make it to daughter's open house and realize I can't. Return to TKD for my class
6:30pm TKD class. thank goodness......Lots of sweating. Hamstring held up, but I had some trouble w/ kicks by the end of class and was sore.
7:30pm arrive home. Shower, Dinner
8:45pm Kids to bed, me to computer for paperwork while icing my leg
11:00pm Paperwork finally caught up. Smile. Sleep........

So I feel better today. Sleep REALLY helps. My leg is better. I am planning a walk at lunch, here in a bit. First I have to run to pick up my kiddo and take her home. Check on the sick one and hopefully there will be 20-30 min for the treadmill, walking only as I don't think I can run yet, and then some stretches.  We have no activities tonight so we have some around the house planning to do. Somewhere in there kids must be bathed and PLEASE GOD she'll be back to school soon. Thank goodness it's only first grade.

My calories yesterday were 1223. I did an hour of TKD at about 800 or so cal burned. I was hungry late last night, but that's mainly habit. I drank some more water and went to sleep. This morning I had whole wheat blueberry muffins made by Nanny yesterday (thank GOD for her AGAIN.)  They are about 110 cal each as they are small and made with no sugar, no oil, yogurt instead. Also I had some egg substitute, my coffee and water as usual.

Plan tuna and salad at lunch and water, water, water. What else is new? Dinner is not for sure yet. Probably fish as I'm craving it and salad and veggies.  I'm thinking asparagus? We'll see.

Thanks for all the support in the last few days. I'm waiting to see how things do. I'm taking all your advice to heart. Hope you all are having a good week and learning to squeeze your life around your healthy lifestyle instead of letting your life squeeze your healthy lifestyle away. That's what I'm learning to do. Good day all!

Tuesday Trials

This morning I am very tired and quite frankly I am down. My daughter is still sick. Fever last night at 4am and I've been up since. Not good since I didn't get to sleep until after midnight as I was worried and checking on her.  My brain doesn't do as well when I am not sleeping. Although I can function, I am slower. I'm also more emotional when I'm tired so this morning was difficult when I read this.

I will say this. I have forgotten or neglected to send Allan my weight before and he's right it is rude.  For that I apologize and I certainly didn't mean to upset him.  I am frustrated by my lack of weight loss and although I realize the challenge is not a contest, as he says all the time, it is discouraging to see others lose and I am not. My overall trend is downward, but I have definitely stalled lately. The loss is much slower.

I think I can do better and this is a new week. I am decreasing my carbs and continuing my fluids. I am continuing to work out although this hamstring is a real pain. It is limiting my workouts and that I am extremely irritated about.  I missed TKD today because my clinic ran late. I've already made arrangements to go to the evening class tonight. I don't know how well I'll do with the hamstring issues, but I'll do my best.

Today I'm reminding myself why I'm doing this. All of it. I started this road for me because I knew I needed to change or die. I started this blog as a lifeline to help me stay committed and it's working.  I realize this is a life change I am making here and 77 pounds later and I have changed. Am I where I want to be? NO. And that is where I have to focus.  I have a long way to go. I got here by finding what works for me, making adjustments when something doesn't and by staying consistent with both diet and exercise.  I don't know everything and I'm always willing to learn. Obviously living a thin lifestyle doesn't come naturally to me, but I can learn. I WILL learn. So I'll keep going........

Weekend Wrap-Up

 I can wrap up my weekend in only two words: SICK KID.  My 6year old started running fever on Friday. She continues today. I spent all weekend giving her meds, inhlaers and trying to shove fluids down her as much as possible. I was essentially in bed with her the whole weekend as she was pretty dang sick.  I thought she had the little cold or whatever her sister had last week that lasted 24hours, but here we are 3 days later and still she has a significant fever and a nasty cough. I'm going home at lunch to test for flu and strep although I think they will be negative.

I didn't do much of anything this weekend and I didn't sleep much either so I'm tired. I did ride my stationary bike on Saturday, but yesterday nothing because my little girl was worse yesterday. Being a doctor doesn't make having a sick kid any easier.

I didn't weigh in or get on line or send my weight to Allan for that matter so I suppose I'm out of the challenge. I honestly didn't even remember until this morning that I hadn't done it.  I didn't lose weight and I am frustrated so maybe it's better this way. I'm wondering if 1200cal is too much for me. I work out a lot and I eat right and I'm not losing.  I added up my calories for the week and the math adds up to a loss, but the scale didn't show it.

This week I'm going to be very very careful and if I do not lose weight again this week, I'll be decreasing calories to 1000.  I'm also thinking I'll stay off the scale this week. That's really tough for me, but I'm just not getting anywhere right now. That only leads to frustration.

My hamstring is better, but still screwed up. I tried to run through the parking lot this am to avoid the cold wind and it just is not possible. Frustrated is the word right now. BUT, I am determined and those are 2 very different things.

So I'll stay focused. My 5 year old has a trip to the dentist today, the 6 year old is home from school still sick. I hate it when my kids are sick. Hate it. But, a little illness is nothing in light of others problems. I'll take it.

I am hopeful that this week will get better and that I can see that scale budge. There are things I can do better and I will continue to improve. I will not have time to workout today as I'll be making the trip home at lunch to check on my poor sick kiddo, but there are things more important sometimes. Who knows? She might perk up and be better. In which case, I'll hop on the treadmill or bike.

I didn't read much blog stuff this weekend so I'll be catching up today. Hope you all had good weekends and a good week is ahead!

Things I've remembered! How FAR I've come and ...dumbest thing ever.

Sooooo yesterday didn't go as planned for me. Seems to be par these days. Whatever. I ran late at the office and missed TKD class at noon. Boy was I frustrated. I thought that I would go to the gym. BUT, I wanted to run and I don't have the guts OR is it because I have too much gut?  Anyway, I still have not done treadmill running in the gym. I just can't quite do it. Plus, I love my elliptical and when I'm there that's what I want, but I needed to run. Then I looked out side and saw the beautiful day and that decided.

I changed into running gear and went to the park for a run. I realized about 1/2 way through this was my first outdoor run in about 6mo. Sad, I know. And then I started to remember a few things about the differences I had forgotten.

Things I remembered about running outside:

1)  It's harder: Literally a harder surface. And guess what? HILLS even when I don't plan them. And bumps. And those neat little side walk lines that are cool to count and pace, which I liked.

2) There's wind:  Nice gentle breeze to keep me cool and distracted and relaxed. AND freaking TEXAS wind gusts that SUCK to run into. It's nice on one side of the track and SUCKS on the other.

3) Fresh air:  Spring is coming here in Texas. The trees are starting to bloom. The grass is getting green and it is just lovely EXCEPT for the TINY detail (pun intended) of POLLEN. Mental Note-make sure you puff on that inhaler when running outside.


4) You might "run" into people you know:  In my line of work that means patients. Or 2 or 3. Yeah they saw me sweaty and with a look on my face akin to what you might see while I'm sitting in the dentist chair. BUT, they saw their doctor putting the money where her mouth is. By God when I tell them to exercise I mean it.  It also means that the high school kids at the high school next door might see me running, and I use that term lightly, up the hill as various body parts jiggle.  Great. But, no rude yells. I did get a, "Keep going you can do it." Maybe the youth in America are not all lost.

5) Evil geese and other water fowl:  That's right I forgot that geese are damned mean when they have babies. And WHY do they need to sleep in the middle of the trail? Assholes. Can you refer to an animal as an asshole? I don't know but that's what I called them. Yep, out loud.

6)  The old guy will pass you:  Running trails are full of runners. Real ones and yep...there's always that old guy you can tell has been running forever who passes you like you're standing still. Sigh. I'm OK with it. Means that I have a goal. I want to be the old lady passing all the fat youngsters one day.

7)  When you are done, you might NOT be:  I did the C25k Week 3 day 1 yesterday and that means I did 3 min intervals. Which doesn't sound like much, but feels like an eternity. Nothing and I mean nothing makes you feel better than when the Dude in the program says, "Workout Complete."  YES! Another day done. I made it I did it. Woo Hoo! .................Crap, my car is parked on the other side of the lake. Fabulous.  More walking sounds great except #1 I'm tired damn it! and #2 I'm on my lunch hour, I still have to stretch, get home and change and back to work. Oh well, more calories burned and What a lovely day.

8)Scenery:  Much better than my white walls, BUT no ESPN scrolling news on Sports center to read. That's OK, plenty to keep me distracted out here.

And so......I enjoyed my run, got changed and back to work. Finished work and decided to go to TKD with my daughter. She's a green belt which is a higher rank, but we're in the same class.  Here's where I might have made a different choice. I felt fine. I was excited. I really love TKD. And it's so good for my anger issues, ummm...., I mean it's great cardio.  So I go to class and I'm stretching. And.......POP! FUCK! Hamstring. Felt it pop. Luckily I don't think it is torn. I was able to finish class, but dang I can't kick very high and it's my right leg, my best one.

So. Maybe I'm learning that I'm pushing myself too hard too fast? Maybe I shouldn't have run yesterday when I knew I planned on TKD. I don't know, but I refuse to stop. I'll keep stretching and moving. I'll let it heal, but I won't quit. I'm not giving up and I've come too far.

I found an old spreadsheet the other day from a few years ago when I was "trying" to lose weight. I was weighing weekly for like 4 weeks. Typical. But, the shock was my starting weight was 274. There it was in black and white. Last year I was 250 when I said enough. I'd forgotten I'd lost about 25 pounds and kept it off before I started for real this time. My total weight loss from then now is 77 pounds!!!!!!!!! That was great news and a discovery that I was so much fatter than I felt. And this am the scale says 197 which is still up 1 pound from 2 weeks ago. Up and down up and down. But luckily the overall trend is down.

NSV: I can look down while I run and see my feet! Tummy's getting smaller!

NSV: I have a lap without a belly sitting in it!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

Yesterday I ate a little more calories, but I burned 1200. Plan or no plan double workout days require more for me. I had 1390, and that was fruit and a little extra protein at dinner.  I'll keep doing what I know is working. I am not perfect, but DAMN I'm good. And no matter how bad I want crap, I will not stray.
Even when the scale is not showing what I feel like it should.  Even when I'm limping and my leg hurts. Even when it seems like it is taking forever to get this done. I will succeed and I will rejoice in this new me I'm building.

I'll leave you with this:
IRONIC OBSERVATION FOR THE DAY:

Is it me or does this NOT scream colon cancer prevention? A cake? Really? How about some veggies, fruits, or anything with fiber? Seriously one of the dumbest things ever.

What is THAT?

So I had this weirdo experience this morning. I guess it's an NSV of sorts. I find it amusing and well...silly. But, it is the gosh honest truth.

I'm on the way from dropping kids at school and I realize my belly kinda hurts. Right side, kinda in the middle. I know I'm sore. I rubbed around the area and tried to figure out what was hurting. I feel this really hard lump. I mean it's hard and tender. I'm thinking, "What the heck is THAT? A mass or something?"  Then I remember my anatomy. That's my hip bone. Cripes. I'm not too sure I've ever felt that before. Not at my waist like that.  I know it seems silly, but I literally discovered a body part.

Yesterday was a train wreck, not eating wise thankfully. But, I didn't get to go to the gym as I had planned. I had planned on a trip at lunch only to find out we had a lunch meeting with another doctor. Brought in as a speaker from the drug reps to talk about cholesterol meds. I personally usually avoid these, but this doctor is a local cardiologist I really like and he actually knows a lot and he knows ME so he'd know if I bailed. So....I had the salad and talked lipids for an hour. On the bright side I caught up on paperwork.

After work I headed off to the Chiropractor. I know it's weird. An MD seeing one and all, but for back issues they can be helpful. So I went because my S-I joint gets wonky and my neck needed some work. After the adjustment, he did some work on my elbow and I think it helped. I'm still struggling with the tendinitis. 

After THAT, I headed to my youngest's TKD test. She got her blue belt and was soooo surprised when she broke her board. She's done it before, but kids are so cute and excited about every experience. We could learn something about life from them.  And you should see those little ones sparring. My little chick can kick some boy booty I tell you. She took on a boy bigger than her and she had him running from the ring. Hee hee!

Another night where we didn't get home until 8pm. I ate some brown rice Nanny had cooked and some salad. I am bloated and the scale says I haven't lost anything. I knew those carbs were a no-no, esp during my you-know-what. But, my calories were OK. I drank a little less water than normal, still the minimum, but less, so I'll try to catch up today.

Today I plan my TKD class at noon and if I can make it, another class w/ my oldest daughter. She wants me to come to her class since she's a higher rank than me. So, a lot of exercise on the agenda today which is good since yesterday I got none.

I'm off to get some work done. Hi-Ho, Hi-HO!  Have a great day everyone!

Whirlwind!

Good Morning, all! 

Yesterday was a hectic day.  Started with the usual morning rush. Got the kids off to school and arrived at work.  Some days are just harder than others. I'm sure it's that way for everyone. In the morning I got the dreaded, "You daughter's school is on the phone."  Great. That only means one of two possibilities. Someone is sick or someone's in trouble. She was sick, 102 fever and tummy ache. Nanny picked her up for me.

At lunch I went to TKD. I was a little late as I ran late in the office. It was a good class though. I learned how to do some new stuff including a hip throw. I am getting more comfortable with sweeping people and taking them down to the mat and with being tossed to the mat myself. The first time or two I thought no freaking way the skinny chick could drop me and if she did I was self conscoius of what that might look like.  I mean, fat chick wallowing on the floor is not a pleasant thought for me. Plus I thought, what if I can't get up. How embarrassing.

The good news is that, skinny chick can sweep my legs and put me on the floor just fine and I was able to hop right back up every time, about 20 or so. I had a very sweaty day yesterday. I realized that when I'm more hydrated prior to class, I sweat less. I guess it's because if you're hydrated you can regulate body temp better. Anyway, I didn't drink as much before class yesterday and I was dripping. Eww. I hope that when I'm thinner that gets better. Although I've seen skinny chicks that sweat as much as I do.

I went home to shower after class and check on my little one. She seems fine, fever and tired, but ok. Likely a virus and this am, no fever. We'll see as she is supposed to have a belt test today and she was so excited about it. 

Back to work after a quick bite at home, tuna, tomatoes and crackers. I didn't have salad made up or cucumbers so, I had a whole tomato. I am remembering how much I like tuna.  Work in the afternoon was busy. That's a whole other post, perhaps I'll write later today. I was invited a while back to write a guest post on freelancemd.com so maybe I'll kill 2 birds.

After work, I ran to TKD to pick up daughter #1 and son. It is so fun to watch him and see how far he's come. He started Track and Field this week and that's something I never thought he'd want to do. He's usually been the slowest kid and a little chubby. But, lately he's looking more strong and fit. I was proud of him wanting to try for track, even though it means we have to get up earlier. Sigh.

After TKD, I had to run to a friend's house to pick up a squirrel trap. That's right. A trap. To put in the attic in case one of the little buggers got closed in there yesterday when the roof was repaired. Hopefully not. Husband says if so, we'll have some stew. I say NO way. I've had it, yucky. After that (YES, there's more) I had to take son to get track shoes which he needed by this am.  By now it was after 7pm and the kids were starved. I drove through Wendy's to get the kids food on the way to the athletic store.

We got home around 8pm. I was starved by then and had the chicken breast Nanny had cooked in a sandwich. I was too tired to fix salad or veggies. I had a grapefruit for dessert. Got the kids in the shower and ready for bed. Little sick one was already asleep in my bed. Dosed her with tylenol again and finally I got to bed. I decided to skip the work I needed to do. Too tired. Oh and I forgot, my monthly visitor came. Great...

That was my day yesterday and it was long and busy, but I came out the other side feeling satisfied. I got through the stress and chaos without slipping up, stuck to my plan and completed my exercise anyway. I avoided the temptation of fries and frosty. I got all my water in. Total calories were 1217.  So far the scale is not moving this week. But, I am on a mission.  Today I plan a trip back to the gym. My arms are sore, but since when has that stopped me?

What's on your agenda today?  How do you handle those unexpected things life tends to throw at us at times?

Tuesday Tantrums and ...The Journey is the prize!

Tantrums-my children, not mine. Sigh. This sibling relationship stuff is puzzling to us only children. Why oh why do they pick and pick at each other only to result in battles that end in giggling fits. Sigh.  Last night my little one, 5 now, ended up in a full on kicking and screaming tantrum because she didn't want to pick up the 900 stuffed animals she had assembled in the living room. It resulted in Mommy threatening to throw said animals away if she chose not to do it. After much protest, the animals were rescued. Peace was restored.

There are squirrels in our attic. Little bastards. We had a couple of small vents that need repair. The roofers are coming today. So, roof guy told husband to put radios in the attic blaring to get them out before we seal  it. Radios in the attic all night. Good times. I spent the night dreaming of chasing the little rodents. They look soooo cute when they are sitting in a tree eating nuts, but in my house, not so much. And the worthless dog just sits and watches them climb up and down the wall. Sigh.

Yesterday was a great day. After all the foot dragging, I enjoyed my workout with the trainer. Even the sit ups. I did 25 min on the elliptical to warm up. Then bench presses, bicep curls, sit ups, leg lifts, squats and lunges and a bunch of other stuff. It was a really good core workout and I plan to go to the gym tomorrow and repeat it by myself. I'm still trying to adjust to the new schedule with my son's school so am workouts are harder.

After dinner, I spent about 20 min practicing my TKD, the new kicks I learned and such. I have to start reminding my body how to do the new stuff before they throw new things my way. There is more and more material for my old crusty brain to remember. Not to mention my body.  I'm looking forward to class today.  I am so amazed at how much I really like to exercise. I would do more if I could. Sometimes I imagine I can do things when I'm not ready. Last night I seriously considered running, but I knew after that hard workout, I might be too sore.

There's a difference between pushing myself and overdoing it. But, I had a realization yesterday. I always wondered how in the world those people on biggest loser can workout so many hours a day. Now I know. Once you get focused on something and you're in the gym it's not hard to spend hours. I really could see myself doing that. Which is REALLY weird for someone who hated exercise a year ago.  I find myself longing for it and pissed off when I can't. This is totally new for me.

I need to apply this same focus and determination to my diet plan. Seems like I have trouble with both. Oh, I do fine, but not as well as I could. I find myself thinking, "I'm doing the best I can."  a lot. Then yesterday I was asking myself, "REALLY?" Because I KNOW I can do better. There are times when I make poor choices. If I was doing my BEST that wouldn't happen. What I really end up doing is the best that I FEEL like doing at that moment. But, that's not going to get me to my goal.

I'm running in to more and more sabotage. Not on purpose mind you. But there are so many people around me who notice how well I've done. I've been called "skinny" "wasting away" "tiny" in the last month. WTF? I still weigh just under 200 pounds and I'm 5'1".  I am no where near those descriptions. I know these people mean well. I know what they're really saying is, "Wow you look SO much better now." But, what I hear is that I've done so well, I should be nearly done and the scale is far from there.

I was so focused on getting under 200. For AGES that seemed like a very lofty goal, near impossible. I had fooled myself into believing that if I could get under 200 I'd be happy. I was setting the bar low to avoid disappointment. But, now I'm here and I know I have more to do. I know I CAN do more. I can HAVE more. I am not finished. This is just another mental hurdle I'm learning about on this journey.

I have to realize that even when the number on the scale is at goal, there will be another milestone I'm looking for. I'll never be done learning more and achieving more because why would I want to be DONE?  There's always more to do and learn and experience. I feel that way about every other aspect of my life. Why should my health be any different?

This is a totally new concept for me. I always thought if I weighed X on the scale then I'd be happy, finished, complete. The pieces of my life would fall wonderfully in place and I'd live happily ever after. I don't know where I got that idea. I have plenty of thin friends for whom that is not true. Maybe from the whole, "You'd be so pretty if you'd only lose weight." mantra shoved down my throat my whole life.

Now I know that this journey to health, inside and out, being here and experiencing all the wonderful things and new discoveries about myself is really the prize. Just like parenting.  Is the goal really to get the kids grown? NO. It's to love and enjoy and relish everyday with your kids. To feel and learn and teach and LIVE. The journey is the prize. Not the weight on the scale. Not the end of the race. Not the miles you've ran. Not the size of your jeans. It's the journey.

And isn't it wonderful? Is it perfect? No. Are there moments when it feels too hard, not worth it? Of course. Are there times of victory and times where we feel defeated? Yes. It is life. But, we are living it. And I intend to stay on this journey. It is when I'm on the path I feel best. When I'm doing my best for my health, I feel best on the inside. I'm happier, more at peace, more patient, more complete. I never thought I could be this happy and fulfilled without being at my goal weight. Imagine how I'll feel when I'm there. The journey is the prize. I'm not giving up my prize. Are you?