So here I am nearly through another week. I can't believe how far I've come. I was looking through pictures last night as I was ordering some from Walgreen's for gifts. I really look different. At least I think I do. Then, sometimes I look at pics and I think I look just as fat. Why is that?
I guess I am still fat, less, but still fat. I get really frustrated with that fact. Sometimes all the, "You look so great." Goes to my head and I think I am farther along and then I get slapped in the face with the reality of how far I have to go.
Of course seeing the date Allan calculated for when I'll meet goal helped, but also made me worry. You know my Type A self starts to worry that I won't make it by then. Then I start to worry if I'll ever make it. Then I worry about what people will think if I fail again. That leads to a spiral of self doubt which I am trying to avoid.
The scale is moving downward although not as fast as the math says it should. F-ing scale. I am doing very well this week over all. Alas, I have a Christmas party at the office today and one Saturday for Tae Kwon Do. I have to really monitor the overly happy feelings I get this time of year. It leads to me believing that I deserve that candy or dessert which is TOTAL Bullshit.
No one deserves to kill themselves slowly with candy and cakes and pies. NOT even me who has worked hard, exercised and lost 46 pounds this year. That attitude got me fat and kept me there. I have to remind myself that I have already maxed out my calorie credit cards over my adult life. I just kept spending and spending and spending calories I couldn't really afford. NOW, I'm having to make the payments by stopping myself from further overages. Maybe if I envision Guido, the big harry Italian mobster who'll come to break my legs if I don't square up my debts it'll keep me from the treats.
At any rate, I have done well at least this week. I can put Guido off another week anyway. Yesterday's food totaled 1208 calories. I had 128oz water, my coffee, diet lemonade and another coffee last night at the boring board meeting. Yeah fluids. Boo caffeine late at night which resulted in me up until 1am last night. But, I was productive. I ordered most of the remaining gifts I need.
Today I am remembering. Looking back. Today is my anniversary, 15 years. I was thinking this morning about how great and hard and wonderful and taxing and fabulous a good marriage is. We've been together 20 years and I am amazed that I still can't wait to get home to see him nearly every day.(I've been married long enough to know there are days....) I was a size 24 when I got married. Today I'm a size 14. I wanted to get the dress out and put it on just for fun. If I have time to do that, I'll post the pic. We'll go out tomorrow night although we enjoy quiet nights at home watching TiVo as much as anything. YEAH, we're old now. Old, but happy. Boring to some, but exactly what I want from my life.
Enough sappy talk. Today I have shopping on the agenda. Wrapping is the next big task and I HAVE to get those Christmas cards finished tonight. In-laws arrive on Sunday so we have to get the house ready. At least school is done Friday and I won't have 3 kids to deliver to 3 different schools for 2 whole weeks. YEAH!
So....are you people keeping Guido at bay? Or do I need to send him your way?
This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.