Random thoughts......

Today I'm having a lot of random thoughts. This is bad as it means my ADD tendencies are not in check and therefore my work is not getting done. Tomorrow is end of month and that is bad because I have to get all the stuff finished. Of course here I am writing this blog post instead of focusing on my work. I'm so excellent at procrastination.

• Today has been a good day so far food wise. I'm eating on plan although the scale isn't moving. Again. I'm exercising and not giving up.  I'm facing the weekend and a holiday where I'll have house guests. I can do this. I'll be at my house and it's my BFF and her kids that are coming. She is on track with the healthy thing and so we have some healthy food options planned. Should be a fun weekend, but I'll have to be on guard since I weigh in on Monday.
• There's a girl at the gym, early 20s, and she is very good looking. She is always on the stair climber. She is always wearing very trendy and revealing workout clothes. She is often talking to males. None of that bothers me. But, I am afraid for her. Her boobs. I swear that girl isn't wearing any sort of bra. I really want to tell her she needs more support. I mean, another 5-10 years of that bouncing and her poor boobs will be completely screwed up. Ladies, please support your ladies at the gym!
• I did a very scary thing this week. I gave one of my patients my blog address.  It's a huge step for me as very few people know about my blog. But when I started it I thought maybe this might be another way for me to encourage patients. So I bit the bullet and gave it to her. Maybe it'll help. Maybe she'll never look at it. But, it's a big step for me to be open about this and means I'm more confident in my progress.
• I just can't get myself to run on the treadmill at the gym. I thought about it the other day. Doing my C25K at the gym. But, I have to be honest I'm self conscious about it. I know it's silly. I've done everything else in the gym. I know no one is watching me and no one will care what I look like, but I just feel weird. I've done it outside in public. What's my hang up with running at the gym? I don't know. Maybe I'll just make myself and get it over with.
• I hate glasses. I hate wearing glasses. I want to get my eyes fixed.  I just wish I didn't know everything that can go wrong with that surgery. I'm nervous about it. It's irrational. But, the glasses are starting to get in the way of my drippy and sweaty self with workouts. I always said when I reach my goal, that will be my reward. I hope that I have the guts to do it by then.
• I had the most awesome dream last night where I was at my Aunt's house and some a-holes broke in and I totally Tae Kwon Do'd their asses. Cool.
• I am wearing SIZE 12 PANTS today! I bought 2 pairs of pants at Kohl's in size 12. I thought they would be snug, but they are actually fitting great. Makes me wonder how long it will be until I can wear 10s. HOLY MOLY! This is the smallest size I've been in my adult life. And I'd always longed to be this size because then I would be a "normal" size. But, I'm still pretty fat. I clearly have no concept of what a normal weight looks like. I tried to take a pic, but I'm wearing a long shirt and it's too big. I didn't realize it was so big until now. It's a 2X. Time for it to go.
• I bought a SIZE LARGE dress at Target for $12 and it's really cute and fits great. I'll post a pic next time I wear it. If it weren't for my umm.....top, I could probably wear a medium. A MEDIUM. Woo hoo. 
• I was wearing my jacket at work inside out yesterday. Dork. I put my scrub pants on backwards the other day so the pocket was in the front. I didn't notice until I was at work. Dork. I had my bra on inside out the other day. Couldn't figure out why the ladies kept sliding out of the bra until I got home and realized I had it on wrong. Dork. I hope I'm not the only one that is a dork.
• My husband was working from home this morning so I took the opportunity and went for an outside walk/run. First, I should use my inhaler before I run outside. I forgot and I got winded. It wasn't bad and at least it wasn't hot. I had a run pace of 12min which I find great since I used to be like a 16 and it's been 3 weeks since I ran at all. It reminded me how much I love to run. (If you call what I do running) I can only run for short intervals, but it is running.
• This week is weird. The morning is really busy and the afternoon is very slow. Guess it's the heat.
• Got my hair done today. It's straight. I never have time to straighten my hair. It is a chore and it's hot. Plus I end up with my hair pulled up a lot what with the exercising at lunch and mid-day showers most days. I took a pic since it only happens every 8 weeks or so when the hair dresser does it.

• I am down NINE SIZES from my highest size. WOW!
• I finally scheduled my Mammogram. Smushy. Time to do as I say and "man" up. Or is it "mamm" up? Ha ha ha ha ha! So silly. 
• I also scheduled a visit with my ENT for next week. Gag. Literally.
• I'm sick of vegetables. I get so tired of the same things over and over and over. Sigh.....I need to look up some new recipes or something. Broccoli, green beans, broccoli, peas, green beans, blah!
• I actually had to catch myself from telling my 13 year old to get his head out of his book yesterday. He was ignoring me at the time. I realized I should never chastise him for reading.
• I hate the sports dead zone. This time of year there is tennis and baseball and golf. Boo. I like baseball ok, but it's soooooo slow. Sigh. On the bright side there are only 65 days to the first OU home game!
• My garden is starting to produce! We've had a lot of cucumbers and there's a baby watermelon. Lots of yellow pear tomatoes and cherry tomatoes. Only a few big ones yet. A few bell peppers, too. Next year we've got to expand the garden. Maybe for the fall. I need more room. 
• Don't you hate it when your nose keeps itching and it feels like there is something there, but there isn't? 
• Don't you hate it when there's something there and you didn't notice?

Well, that's it for my random thoughts today. I hope all of you are having a nice focused and less random day, but if not, please feel free to share your random thoughts. 

Doctor, Doctor.

Well here I am with another day in the books. It's been a pretty busy summer for me, but I'm beginning to realize that my life is always busy. On the bright side it is a very full life. As I sit here listening to Daddy tickling one daughter while the other plays "Twinkle, twinkle" on the piano, I am reminded again how lucky I am.

On the diet front, things went well today. I ate well and on plan. I drank all my water. It's not hard with this heat to be reminded to drink often. At lunch I went to TKD class. It was pretty rough today. I woke up with a splitting headache and felt like crap. I told my friend that I felt like I had a hangover and that was extremely unfair since I had none of the fun.

My asthma is acting up today and I had a rough time breathing all day. There were times where I got very winded in class.  Ozone is up around here and that definitely effects my breathing. Plus I'm not the most compliant patient with my inhalers. I know, I know. I always pre-medicate before class, but I've been bad about taking my daily medication. I use it during this time of year, or at least I'm supposed to. Also I'm wondering if my airway issues are back.  It's been 2 years since I had the laser surgery for my subglottic stenosis, which is a condition where you get scar tissue in your airway causing a blockage.

I was diagnosed with this several years ago and I've had to have the procedure 3 times, a year apart, but this time I've gone 2 years. I don't really want to go back to the ENT because I know he's going to look down in there. Ugh I hate that. He sprays this nasty numbing spray in my nose and down my throat and then he threads a small scope with a video camera through my nose and down into the back of my throat so he can see below my vocal chords. It doesn't hurt, but it's really uncomfortable and then I can't swallow right for a few hours. It's yucky. However, the phsyician part of me is telling me I'd better go.

I learned my lesson the hard way trying to second guess and treat myself. For years I thought my asthma was just really bad and was treating myself with medications. After the birth of my 3rd child when it was really severe, I couldn't climb the stairs without severe shortness of breath. Even for a fat lady, it was ridiculous. I couldn't read out loud to my kids at night. I went to see an allergist thinking I needed allergy shots. He said I do have some allergies and asthma but that the breathing test showed a blockage in my airway. He recommended I see an ENT.  The man saved my life, I'm pretty sure.

I saw the ENT and he diagnosed the blockage. He said my airway was the size of an infant's. It was like I was breathing through a coffee stir stick. He said if I'd been in a car accident and needed to be intubated, there was no way anyone but an ENT could have gotten an airway in me. He sent me to a sub-specialist who confirmed the diagnosis and said I could either have the laser procedure which wouldn't be permanent and I would need it repeatedly or I could have a big surgery where they cut out that portion of the airway. That surgery would require at least a week in ICU on a ventilator, and 8 weeks recovery. No thanks. I went for the 15 minute laser procedure done by my ENT.  Yes, I had it once a year for 3 years, but I can have it on Friday, be back to work Monday with no more pain than strep throat.

It's a really rare thing, usually seen in people who have had trauma to the airway or in small children after severe infections. Sometimes it's seen in people with connective tissue disorders like lupus or Rheumatoid arthritis. I've been tested and my tests were normal. But, there is a lot of these types of problems in my family so who knows.  Seems it is more common in women of child bearing years when it happens spontaneously like it did with me. They think there is some kind of hormonal trigger and it usually just stops on it's own at some point. I was hoping it was gone for good, but I think it's back.

And it's starting to affect my ability to exercise which I will not allow. The inhalers don't help as much now when I'm really doing strenuous cardio, like at TKD. So despite my not wanting to see a doctor, I'm going to have to.

It's a very weird thing for a doctor to see another doctor. Knowing more doesn't help me or my treating physicians. I think it makes doctors nervous to know they are treating a colleague. They never want to insult my intelligence by over-explaining and they certainly don't want to miss something on a friend.  I really hate being a patient. But, we all have to see a doctor sometime or other.   I think it helps that I know how to navigate the health care system. I speak the language at least, but sometimes I think knowing all possible outcomes of a situation is a detriment.

This experience and the one with my gallbladder last fall certainly give me an empathy for how my patients feel. If I get scared and I understand all the lingo I can certainly imagine how someone feels when they can't speak the jargon.  I always try to watch for that look of, "I have no idea what she just said" in my patient's eyes when I'm explaining something technical. And there is a definite and obvious look. Usually it is accompanied by an uncomfortable nod and patients will not always tell you that don't understand for fear of looking stupid. It's really important for doctors to ask if the patient understands things. Even then sometimes they will say they do when they don't.

As a doctor, I will tell you that I do not mind questions. I would much rather answer any questions you have than have you run home and google something and end up with a lot of misinformation. The internet is great and horrible for us doctors.  I have to spend all kinds of time de-bunking stuff patients have read on this site or that. But, the good news is that in a computer savvy person, I can refer them to websites for credible information.

Tomorrow I'll be working out in the morning since I have an appointment to get my hair done at lunch. We must have our priorities, right?  I still have some work to get done, so I better get on with it. Night All!

Weekend Wrap Up and Monday Weigh In and Challenge Updates

Well, this weekend kinda sucked. Three words a parent never wants to hear, "My head itches." Yep. Lice. Fabulous. Thank you so much Boy Scout camp. So instead of my treating myself to a morning run this weekend, I spent the weekend disinfecting my house. Sigh. I'm not really sure how many loads of laundry I did. But it was a lot. 

Saturday I did the great cleansing. No exercise other than housework which I'm counting because this was more than the usual housework. Sunday morning my son had a performance for his band camp. We attended that and then I took the kids to Target and then to a movie. I couldn't stand to do anymore cleaning for a while. We saw Cars 2 and it was cute. The kids had fun and we were out of the heat for a while. The filter pump on our pool died so we didn't want to swim for now. After the movie we went home to more cleaning and I cooked dinner. My life is so glamorous.

I didn't get much sleep this weekend and I woke up tired this morning. I weighed in down a pound from the week before, but still up 1 from the 2 I gained. I get so tired of this see-saw. But, that's life so I'll just keep on. I forced myself to go to the gym. And by forced I mean I had a kicking screaming tantrum in my head, but the healthy part of me won and I did 40 on the elliptical and another 15 on the treadmill. Doesn't mean I liked it although I admit I did feel better.   Just couldn't bring myself to weight train today. Later this week.

Work is strangely slow today, which is good because I have time to catch up but bad because I have bills to pay.  I did at least have time to read a little on blogs and catch up as I didn't get online at all this weekend. I was so pleased with myself for doing extra walking yesterday at the mall and then a short walk with the kids only to realize I'd left my fitbit at home. Dang it. So it looks like I just sat on my butt all day, but at least my butt knows I didn't.

I'm still participating in the challenges so I suppose I should do an update. In phase 6 for Allan's challenge, I am still trying and I did lose a pound. I cannot figure out why I lose weight so slowly. Sigh.  It's so frustrating. But that's all I'm going to say on that for now as I feel that I've whined enough on that subject for a while.

In the June Boom challenge for the other Alan, I'm continuing to try to get my 30 min of exercise daily. Like I said Saturday I did a ton of housework, extra stuff, which isn't usually what I count as exercise. Other than that I did exercise somehow every day. Today's is also done so check for today.

In the small change challenge I had decided to make myself cook a few times as I hadn't been and I was getting frustrated and bored with food in general. I did cook a few times and this did help.  It was much easier for me to eat healthy food this week when it was stuff I had prepared and put some thought into.

And that's about it for today. Hope you all survived your Monday.

UGH! and Yippee !

So yesterday I did not work out. I am in a lot of pain from the workout with my trainer on Monday. Still. I'm trying very hard to look at this as a positive thing. Pass the Motrin. I am frustrated because so far the scale is not moving. WTH? I'm starting to wonder if something is wrong with me. I work out. My calories are not bad. I'm sticking to the plan, but not losing. The only extra calories I've had this week were from extra veggies. Pretty sure I did not get fat by eating too much broccoli. Even that did not put me over 1100cal any day in the last week.

I think I've put on some muscle and I know I'm losing inches because when I measured last week I was down. BUT. I want that scale to move dang it.  I eat less and less and I lose nothing. Ugh. I'm thinking I need some blood work. It's so discouraging. BUT. I will not be giving up. I'm enjoying my new lifestyle. I eat fruits and veggies and healthy stuff. I drink my water. I workout. You can't tell by looking at me yet, but I'm pretty healthy.

I guess that's what bothers me now. I can run, elliptical, do an hour or more of rigorous exercise and I eat right, but you can't tell by looking at me yet. When people look at me they just see "fat person". It's so frustrating. I just want to get a shirt made that says, "Yes I look fat, but  I'm healthy and I've lost 84 pounds. Shoulda seen me before!"

I'm tired this week. Just tired and that isn't helping my attitude. Sorry for the negativity. I'm just not a very patient person. I never have been. It's a fault of mine. It's one of the reasons I've never been successful in weight loss before now. When I started this "new me" thing, I vowed that no matter how long it took I was going to get to my "goal" weight and achieve my fitness goals. And I haven't given up on that. It's just this is a down week for me, on everything but the scale that is.

I know what you will say. There's more to focus on but the scale. This happens from time to time with weight loss. At some point you will build muscle and that will slow down the scale from time to time. Think of the inches you've lost and how far you've come. I know, I know that. But I want to see weight loss! I'm so close to the 180s and I want to be there. I'm frustrated because I'm hungry and I'm sore and I'm tired and the dang scale is still the same.

OK. Whiny time is over.

Today I have TKD at noon and I'm probably going back this evening for a second class with the kids.  I have a trip to the gym planned for tomorrow and I'm hoping for the chance for an early morning run on Saturday. Running in Texas in the summer is hard. I just cannot make myself do it in the middle of the day. I really like running outside more than the treadmill, but After 10am it's like a death wish. So I'm really going to try to treat myself to a run in the park on Saturday. Treat myself? Hee hee hee. There's an NSV for you.

The fact that I just wrote I was going to treat myself to a RUN IN THE PARK IN JUNE. A year ago, treat myself was a snickers bar and a coke at a movie following a burger and fries for lunch. I have changed. I am proud of myself. No matter what people might see or think when they look at me. I know how far I've come and I know where I'm going. So there!

I still want the scale to change though.........

Anyhoo.......got some fabulous news this morning. I have a friend from Norway whom I met as a senior in high school. He was an exchange student. We've stayed in touch and friends all these years. Anyway, he and his husband (please no judgmental anti-gay comments. I will not tolerate them) have been able to (FINALLY) adopt a child. She was born this morning. I just got the news. They are on their way to finalize the adoption. She is in India. I am so happy for them. I really needed some happy news today. Today I will focus on dreams coming true for my dear friends. I'm so so so happy for them.

Pain is a beautiful thing.

As I was laying in bed this morning, willing my body to move and trying to identify a part of my body that wasn't sore from the workout I was tortured with yesterday, I found myself wondering if thin and fit beautiful people experience the same pain from working out. I mean, is this a price I'm paying for being overweight and inactive all those years OR is this just the price you pay for fitness in general?   I was just wondering if at some point, when I am lean and fit and in shape AND frankly as lovely as any model, you know, so stunning that people are stopping you on the side walk just to gaze at your beauty (at least that's how I imagine it) will this pain stop?

I was lying in bed trying to lift my head off my pillow and finding it quite difficult when I had a sudden vision of Julia Roberts and wondered if she too were lying in her bed with aching muscles.  I felt a sudden camaraderie with her and all the beauties like me who work so hard to stay lovely.  I imagined Cameron Diaz groaning in pain as she rose from bed with sore triceps. And Angelina Jolie having to get up in the middle of the night to feed one of her various adopted children wincing in pain from the 1000 situps the day before, her abs contracting as she sat up. I thought to myself, "See self. THIS is the price of beauty." (I chuckled of course at the thought of these lovelies I envy in pain. I'm sick like that.)

That's right. The price of beauty is pain my friends. Anyone who has ever had a waxing will confirm that one for you no doubt. And plastic surgery is no picnic either. Not that I know from personal experience. But, I'll say that some of the most harrowing surgeries I witnessed in my medical training were boob jobs and eye lifts and face lifts and tummy tucks. The bruising and swelling and ickyness (is that a word?)..... well, anyone who has watched those make over shows knows. But, I don't think they ever show the whole picture, the weeks of pain and swelling afterward, do they?

And so in my little pity party this morning as I lay there with aching back, abs, biceps, triceps, hamstrings, calves.......well let's just make it simple. I identified a few parts of me that weren't in pain: eyebrows, pinky toes and lips.  As I laid there thinking and frankly feeling sorry for myself, I realized that even thin and beautiful people pay a price for their beauty.  They work out. They eat right. They drink lots of water. Most of them do have to WORK to stay looking like that.

This is a new revelation for me as I always thought that skinny and beautiful women were just born that way.  But now that I spend more time in the gym than I ever had before, I know that those hated "natural beauties" are often hanging out in the gym. And it's not just to wear those cute little yoga pants and matching brightly colored sports bras or the short shorts with cute phrases printed across their derriere while flirting with overly muscled and sweaty male specimens.  No my fellow fatties, it's because they HAVE to workout.  They have to run. They have to bike. They have to swim.  They have to pilates and zumba and pump iron and plank and sit ups and push ups and burpee and all the other crap I too loathe at times.  They must also work to stay in shape.

(Well.... shit.)

And so this realization cut my pity party short. I can no longer wallow in the idea that it was some cruel twist of fate that left me "chunky" or "big boned" or "a big girl".   Those lovely women I admire, while genetics likely play a role, are in shape because they......well......they WORK on staying in shape. Damn it. I can no longer curse my grandparents for defective genes. NOW I have to take responsibility for my SHAPE or LACK there of  as the case may be.

Finally I was able to inch my way from bed to bathroom this morning. I did so in pain, but with pride. And when I dressed this morning groaning as I tried in vain several times to secure my bra and finally after multiple attempts and much windedness (is THAT a word?) or as we call it in the medical field, dyspnea, I was victorious over the hated but necessary garment. I swelled with pride (and perhaps multiple sprains?) knowing that I am fighting the battle for beauty my friends and I am winning.

And as I stood there in Tae Kwon Do class sweating and tears of agony joy running down my face while we did our 100th kick combination today, I comforted myself with this: Somewhere there is a skinny woman who has been thin her whole life without effort. Who has always been able to maintain her weight without much exercise and eating whatever she'd like. Somewhere she is hitting that age. You know the one. She is entering the peri-menopause or the menopause and she is learning that sooner or later we all pay a price to be in shape. And since she's waited so long to learn this lesson, she will need a crash course in bloating and weight gain and calorie counting and exercise. And I will NOT teach her. No, she WILL feel my pain. (Smile)

I may never have the skinny waist of Cameron or the abs of steel of Angelina or the seemingly effortless natural and timeless beauty of Julia (those freaking bitches) BUT I WILL be as beautiful and healthy and in SHAPE as I can be. And for that I will suffer my friends. WE ALL will suffer. We will deprive ourselves and punish our bodies, but WE WILL win this war for beauty and health.

And we will love it.... pain and all.

Weekend Wrap Up and Monday Weigh In and Challenge Updates

So the weekend went by so fast. The boys came home from camp which means I spent hours washing nasty dirty camp clothes and cooking for them because they wanted "real food" after a week in a tent. I didn't get much done for myself this weekend and I am tired.  Add to that the fact that I woke up with a migraine today and you will understand my less than perky attitude.

Friday night I took my Mom out for a movie. We saw Super 8 and it was awesome! I highly recommend that one!  We went to see Mr. Popper's Penguins yesterday and it was a hit with the kids. I thought is was cute and Jim Carey wasn't too annoying for a change.

Over the weekend we booked a cruise for Thanksgiving week. I have mixed feelings. First I am excited. I've never been on a cruise and I think it will be lots of fun. However, it was something we had planned to do for my cousin (the one who died in March) and his 40th which would have been last month. I felt extremely guilty about us going without him and although I know it is irrational, as grief often is, I had a good long cry. We decided on Thanksgiving as the kids are out of school that week and we figure the holidays will suck this year, being the first one after my cousin's death. (For those of you who don't know my cousin was a brother to me. We grew up living next door to each other and we were only 16mo apart in age. It was and still is a devastating loss.) Grief is a process. I'm working my way through it as best I can.

I plan to use the cruise as more motivation for weight loss and after my weight today I need it. I'm up 2 pounds and I know it stems from my total fail this week which resulted in water retention and other bathroom issues I shall not discuss in detail. I don't think the gain is "real" but it is there and it makes me unhappy. But, it isn't the first time in this long journey I've had a gain. I always get so bitter that it is so easy for me to gain. Seriously it is nutso. But, that's my body. I'm stuck with it. And so I'm back on track this morning despite my bad and sour Monday attitude.

Sometimes things are not all great and wonderful and sunshine and happiness. Sometimes they are just blah and plain and get through the day as best you can.  That's today for me. Add to that the migraine I woke up with and I'm down right negative. I have to work out with my trainer today. Yippee. Oh how I want to cancel. But I will not.

June Boom Challenge is going well. I have worked out every day until this weekend when my workouts were marginal and housework oriented. But before that I have worked out, seriously worked out, every day, some days twice. So, despite the fact that the scale is a butthead as my 5 year old would say, I feel pretty decent about my efforts this week on this challenge.

This week I did better on the small change challenge and I did track my water intake and increase it a bit. I needed to. It is freaking hot here in Texas and it is not ending anytime soon. So hydrate, I will.

And that's it for me today. I have no words of wisdom or inspiration to impart today other than I will keep on going and will not quit and will try to keep my goals in focus. Hope you all are doing the same......or better!

Motivation is a SKILL and some pics

 Well, yesterday I was in a funk. Not sure why. I didn't sleep great. I just don't sleep the same when hubby is gone. The boys are still at camp. I heard from hubby yesterday and they are having a great time in the New Mexico mountains and haven't been bothered by fires.

I guess they've done a bit of hiking which has been great for hubby. I'll be surprised if he doesn't lose a little weight this week. Maybe this will get him more serious about getting healthy. It's so hard to keep your mouth shut sometimes when you know what he needs to do, but he's not ready. All I can do is be supportive. He said he's been on hikes and has to go a lot slower than everyone else. I feel for him and I've been there. I'm so proud of him for not giving up and going on those hikes and I hope this opens his eyes to what he can do and gets him started on the right path.

Unlike me, there was a time when he was fit and a normal weight. In college he would bike everywhere. He biked miles and miles each week. Once we graduated and got real jobs, it was harder to do that. Then we both gained weight after we married. Then I got pregnant and we both gained weight. Our eating habits were bad and we didn't work out. Over the last year he's seen my success. He's been nothing but supportive. But, I've seen him sometimes with a look on his face that I recognize. The "I wish I could do that" face.

One thing that is for sure. It's exciting and it's so wonderful to see. I see his thought process. I see him thinking it through. I see the switch and it's about to come on. I know he's very close to getting serious about being healthy. I want it for him and for me. I hope it is soon.  When he's ready, I'm here to help. But, I can't do it for him.

You have to fight this battle alone. Even though you can have friends to support you. People to work out with you. A trainer to teach you. Dvds, programs, Wii fit, Xbox kinect, bikes, shoes, equipment, menu plans.....NONE of that can do this for you. When faced with a choice between burger or salad, it's you that must decide. When faced with sleeping in or working out, it's you who must make the call. You have to find the motivation to do it.

And that is easier said than done. I used to think that motivation was an inherent trait. Like some people are just born more organized and gung ho and motivated. Others just don't have it. I used to think I was a have not. It was just genetic in our family, you know. I mean, if you look at any family portrait you'd see a whole bunch of overweight and obese people. But, now I know that motivation is a SKILL. That's right. A SKILL. It's something you can learn to do.

You are the one that must find motivation. Motivation is not a passive thing. You can't just wait for it to wash over you like a tide. It is internal. It is not something outside of yourself. It is a feeling, a burning, a desire inside you. When you want something and you KNOW you can get it, that's motivation. When you have a goal and BELIEVE you can achieve it, that's motivation. When you are faced with a problem and you've decided that you WILL find a solution, that's motivation.

It's not a mystery. It's actually very simple.

On any given day, I wake up and I pretty much wish I could have that big breakfast I used to love. I love breakfast. Nothing better than a breakfast buffet-omelets, belgian waffles, fruit, oatmeal, yogurt, pastry, pancakes. My FAV. There are many days I wake up and I want that soooooo bad. But I ask myself, "Do you want that big breakfast more than you want a loss on the scale this week." To be honest there are days where the answer is yes. Luckily I don't have ready access to a big buffet. But MOST days, the answer is NO. It's that simple.

Just ask yourself what you want. Once you know WHAT you want and you know HOW to get it. The motivation comes from the WANTING it.

I used to get so irritated when thin people would say in their haughty thin voices, "Just eat less and exercise. I mean, ANYONE can lose weight." AHHHHHHH! I can't tell you how mad it would make me. I'd be like, "Sure skinny bitch. It's easy when you've been born skinny. You have NO IDEA what I go through."  But that was the old me. The new one listens, understands and nods.

Used to my motivation for any diet would fade with time. I'd be really gung ho. I'd go balls to the wall. Exercising and eating just so and about 2 weeks in it wasn't fun anymore. Diet over. Now I find that each day I'm able to live a healthy lifestyle,  my motivation to keep the trend going is higher. I feel good. I'm able to do more things. I see the results and not just on the scale and THAT my friends is the heart of my motivation.

Truth is there are days that I don't feel like exercising and I want to eat crap. Some days, like a few days ago, I have a total fail and eat. But MOST days now, I wake up and think, "WOW! I made it through another day of exercise. Another day eating on plan. I'm AWESOME!" And that keeps me going.

Everyone of us has to find their own way of motivating themselves. You can read my blog or all the successful blogs out there and see what they've done, but until you find your inner motivation and BELIEVE that you can do it too, you won't get there. There's a big difference between inspiration and motivation. I can be inspired by my bloggy friends, but motivation.......that's my deal.

The good news is that if you want it, you CAN get there. This is a totally win-able war we're fighting. Sure, it is sometimes lonely. Sure it is sometimes hard. Sure sometimes I feel irritated at the depriving myself of foods I love. But it is SO worth it. And you can do this. I CAN DO THIS. WE CAN DO THIS. And I will. I will never stop. This is my life now and isn't it great? I can't wait to see what happens next.


I realized on my one year post I didn't include any pics. I still have trouble seeing the difference, It's so weird because I still feel the same. But here they are..........

Me at my highest weight 274 pounds

BEFORE

Two weeks ago

 

What a difference a year makes........

Yesterday, I went to TKD class, it kicked my butt as usual, then home to swim laps. I stayed on plan for the day and that's my plan today as well. Today I am taking a well deserved day off, just for me. No kids, no husband, no work. A year ago that would have meant, going out for a huge breakfast, shopping and treating myself to a nice lunch. Today it means, I'll start my day at the gym and I'm taking my food with me. I'll do some shopping NOT at Lane Bryant and  maybe catch a movie. What a difference a year makes!

This is the one year anniversary of me finding blogland and starting this blog. I regard it as an important milestone in my life now. I am sure had I not stumbled onto this wonderful tool I might not have made it this far in my journey. I was on the verge of quitting having gained a pound or two as we are all prone to do at some point. And then I saw a facebook post from LoseIt by a blogger. I read his blog and this led to other blogs and so on until I realized there were so many others trying to lose weight or who were maintaining their loss and I was inspired. Truly inspired. And here I am a year later. Over the last year I've lost and gained a LOT of things. Here's some of them.


Loss:  Pounds, 60 of them. I've lost 60 pounds since starting this blog a year ago. (84 from my highest weight) Sometimes I feel like it should have been more, but I'm proud of that number. I've never lost that much before.

Gain: I now know what a burpee is.  And P90X, Insanity, bench press, butterflies, chest presses, lat pull downs, v-ups and a whole bunch more. I feel like I'm in the "in" fit crowd cause I know the terminology of fitness now.

Loss: Inches. I've lost a total of 53 inches since starting this blog. (66 from my highest weight)

Gain:  A green belt. Since starting TKD I've learned that I CAN exercise HARD and I CAN exercise in public and I CAN break a board and I CAN spar with someone faster and stronger than me and survive.

Loss: BMI: I've gone from 47 to 36.  Only 6 more points until I'm no longer obese!

Loss:Waist circumference: I've gone from a 49 inch waist to a 36. That's one inch from considered "lower risk" for cardiovascular disease and high abdominal fat content.

Loss:The belief that I was genetically programmed or "destined to be fat: This one was such BS I used to justify my unhealthy choices. I really believed it, too. I honestly just thought I'd always be fat and that losing weight was just impossible for me. WRONG!

Loss:Fear of seat belts: This includes all modes of transportation, cars, airplanes, roller coasters. I know that that no matter what I'm trying to do or where I'm trying to go, I will fit now.


Loss:A closet full of Lane Bryant clothes:  Literally I shopped at Lane Bryant nearly exclusively for all my adult life. Last night I cleaned out MORE from my closet, 3 big bags. Got rid of the 18 and up stuff. It was hard to do some of it. I remember when I could finally get into an 18.  It seemed so small back then and I still can't believe that I wear a smaller size than that.


Loss:Temperature homeostasis:  This is one thing I kinda miss. I'm cold all the time. All. The. Time. It's gotten to where I have trouble wearing sandals at work because my toes get so cold. I have a heater under my desk for when I'm sitting and doing paperwork so my feet won't freeze. It is so weird for someone who was always hot and never wore a coat. I'm hoping my body readjusts my temperature setting so I don't have to keep blankets and sweatshirts for just in case, even in the summer! It's like 100 degrees outside and I feel relief when I go outside now. SO strange. I used to think skinny girls who were cold were weird or just wanted attention. No. Apparently they were cold.


Loss:Butt padding:  Whenever I went to meetings or lectures, people would complain about those metal folding chairs hurting their butts. I never got it. I never had butt pain from hard surfaces. I loved sitting on the ground, even hard surfaces like concrete or tile. NOW, OUCH. It's wonderful because I now FIT into chairs, no matter how small. But.....my butt actually aches after awhile.

Gain: Confidence and credibility:  In my line of work the topics of weight, exercise and healthy diet are constantly part of the dialogue. There were times where I felt like a hypocrite, and rightly so, counseling a patient on healthy lifestyle issues. NO MORE. I may not be at goal, but I'm practicing what I've always preached. It felt so good the other day when a thin, but unfit non-exerciser told me she "just didn't have time" to exercise and that it was "hard". Really? Hard? I explained to her that you can't start a program and go crazy with exercise. She thought that because she was thin she could just go running or lifting weights when she hadn't in years. I told her that if I can do an hour on the elliptical that she could, too, BUT she needed to work up to it. "AN HOUR!" she said. "Holy crap I can only do a few minutes." Score one for the fat chick. Being fit is not just about how much you weigh.


Gain: A whole new life:  This may seem silly, but I feel like a different person. My priorities are so different. I think of things differently now. My life doesn't revolve around food. I don't use food as punctuation for every emotion. I'm teaching my kids how to live a healthy active life. I have no qualms about going on a vacation. If I want to hike, I'll hike. If I want to rent a bike, I can. If I want to swim, I don't mind putting on a swim suit. If I want to do......well....pretty much anything, I can. It's amazing. A-MAZ-ING. And while I'm not done yet, I'm far enough into this thing to know that I want to finish if for no other reason than to see what amazing things I can experience next.


Gain: All of you:  This blog and my blog-friends have truly been so important. To be accountable, supported and just knowing that all of you out there have the same struggles that I do. That has truly been the biggest help to me.  I am still astounded that I have people in my life I regard as true friends that I've never even met. I am astounded that people read this everyday and care what I have to say and sometimes are possibly touched by what I am writing. So thank you, all of you. Can't WAIT to see what this next year brings.

Total Fail

Yesterday was a total fail. I'm not going into detail, just know that I had a weird bad day and I don't know what brought it on. I didn't work out. I ate stuff I shouldn't have. After all this time of doing so well, yesterday was a TOTAL FAIL. There are no other words for it.

I got up this morning and brushed it off. One day, well really it was only one evening, of total fail does not a failure make.  I have come a really long way to get that. In the past when I've screwed up it meant the whole effort was a failure. I did fine until last night and this morning, I'm right back on track eating on plan with the liquids starting again today and exercise with a TKD class in the works. I'll be sure to swim some laps tonight as well.

I wish I knew why I do that. When I know I shouldn't be eating what I'm eating, but I do it anyway. Is it weakness? Neurosis? Addiction? Self-punishment? Is it emotional eating? Rebellion? Anger at the whole restricted diet? Wanting to reward myself? Or just plain stupidity? Doesn't really matter does it? What matters is that I got up this morning and recognized my mistake and moved forward. What matters is that it's been months since I had a total fail. These things get fewer and farther between and I hope I'll put them behind me for good. Even at a goal weight you can't afford many of these things. I just have to realize that to look the way I want and feel the way I want there are certain foods that I just can't have.

What's weird is I know that. I'm actually fine with it. When I started this whole business of life change I would get all antsy at the thought of never having chips or ice cream or fries or burgers. Now, it just doesn't matter that much. I've found healthy alternatives for those things and I honestly don't miss the garbage I used to eat regularly. The thought of fast food turns my stomach these days. I mean even last night I took the girls to Sonic as a treat, but I didn't order me a thing except a diet limeade.  I just didn't want that crap.

But then I got home and I was tired and feeling lazy. I ate some stuff, then ate some more. AHA! Maybe it was the not wanting to cook a meal and just grabbing something that set off this total fail. Of course it was. Truth is I wasn't THAT hungry last night. But I ate crap I shouldn't have anyway. Boredom? Tired? Boys being gone so no one was watching?

Truth is my definition of TOTAL FAIL has completely changed. Used to it would be a whole day if not weeks of eating crap. Candy, cookies, cakes, Mexican food, pizza, Chinese. Meal after meal of take out or drive through. Now, it was one evening of snacking on a few things I shouldn't eat. Maybe that's less of a fail than I realize. BUT, my standards are higher now. I just don't do that anymore. It's one of the reasons I've lost 84 pounds.  And the fact that I recognize the problem and put a stop to it means that this life change business is real.

My lifestyle is different now. I am absolutely committed to losing this weight and having an active and healthy lifestyle. One slip doesn't destroy that. BUT, it doesn't make it right either. I have high expectations for me now. I expect better for myself. I'm harder on myself because I have to be. I'm disappointed in myself, but I won't allow that to put me off my plan.

AND, here I am using this blog the way I envisioned when I started it. Working out my issues, staying accountable and staying on track.  Now THAT is no fail. That's a victory.

Woo hoo! WE are the Champs... Monday Catch up.

Has it really been nearly a week since I posted? Geez. Time has flown. I've been so super busy. Hubby was out of town all last week. I was single Mommy last week and that was hectic enough and add a very busy week in the office and I was crazy last week. PLUS the fact that my MAVS were in the playoffs and I was glued to the TV all the time. OH! Did I mention......


WE WON! Mavericks are the NBA Champs!

So I have some catching up to do. Thanks for the response to my last post. Your support is so awesome and it's one of the reasons I've made it this far.  Hubbie got home very late Thursday night, right as the Mavs won game 5.  Friday I woke up to exercise and I was sooooo sore that I decided that wasn't happening.  The day was crazy busy and I didn't get to work out. Saturday I spent all day helping the boys pack for camp. All. Day. Long. Two trips to Target. Two hours sewing patches onto shirts. By the time I dropped them off at 10:30pm I was soooo pooped. I'll miss them, but ....... well I think you understand, right?

Yesterday I told the girls we'd have a fun girls day. We woke up early, ate breakfast and then headed to the gym. I worked out for about an hour, then I took them swimming at the outdoor pool. The gym has a huge pool with big water slides. I swam some laps while the girls went up and down those slides about a billion times. Then while they went for their second billion, I sat in the shade and read. A rare and deserved break for me. Now that the girls swim like fish, I don't have to watch them every second. Plus there are life guards everywhere. It was a lovely afternoon.

Then once they were tired, well.......I was tired, we showered and dressed and caught a movie. The new Judy Moody and it was cute. The girls enjoyed it immensely. Back home I got ready for the game (you can read this, took a short nap), the girls watched TV and worked on an art project in the kitchen. I enjoyed the game and the girls even watched and cheered some with me. Train them right, eh?  They fell asleep in my bed before the game was over, but I have no idea how they slept through the hooting and hollering when my Mavs won.

And now........Challenge updates.

1. Phase 6:  I am continuing to lose weight. Not as fast as I'd like. I really thought I'd get 2 pounds down at least, but I did a lot of weight lifting this week and I think that made a difference. I weighed in this am and I was 190, down a pound from last week. That's 9 pounds for this challenge, 60 pounds since starting this blog and 84 pounds from my highest weight. I'm so looking forward to seeing 18something next week. A number I haven't seen in my adult life. I am in awe that I've made it this far and I'm still motivated to keep going.

2. June Boom!:  The challenge is to workout everyday and I have. Although Friday all I did was swim with the kids I count it. Swimming lap after lap with a 50 pound girl on your back has to count for exercise, right?  So here I am Day 13 of straight workouts. Pretty proud about that. In the last week I did:
Monday-Trainer, elliptical
Tuesday-TKD class
Wednesday-Swam laps, too sore to do much else
Thursday- TKD class and swam laps in the evening
Friday-swimming
Saturday-swimming
Sunday-Elliptical, weights, core training and swam laps
The only thing I wish I was doing better was my running. Part of the challenge was to do something I've been putting off. Mine was C25K. As you can see, I didn't get it done this week.  I was so sore from my trainer until Thursday, then TKD kicked my butt that day. I had planned to run and I just couldn't. It's still on my list. I'm not giving up on it.

3. Small Change: Well, this is the one I didn't do well on this week. I was supposed to get morning workouts in, but it didn't happen. Up too late too many times with the NBA games and super sore from all the other workouts.  I think I'll choose another goal this week as I am single mom again with boys gone, I see late nights in my future again. This week my small change is to post every day on this blog and track my water intake which I think has slipped a little. I woke up thirsty this morning. A sure sign it wasn't enough yesterday with all my time in the heat. I still want to get back to morning workouts, but I'll shift the focus and pressure on myself with that for this week.

And so that's a lot of info and I'm sorry for the long post, but that's what happens when you don't post everyday.   Today I will workout sometime this evening as I have a T-shirt to get at lunch. MAVS WON! Did I mention? I'll do something for exercise, I'll admit I'm sore from yesterday triceps and planks and situps with the 20pound medicine ball. Oh and back extensions. Sore. But happy. Grin.

Hope all of you are sticking to your goals and taking steps each day to meet your goals. Don't waste anymore time. Don't put them off. no more excuses. Let's all be successful this summer. I am planning to be at my goal weight by my next birthday in January. That's 60 more pounds or so. I have to keep my goals in focus. Are you focused and ready today? What are you doing to get yourself closer to your goals?

It's a Struggle

Every day.
Every Single Day.
Some days every hour, every minute, every second.

It's a struggle to stay on track. It's a struggle not to eat those chips. It's a struggle not to take a bite of that cake. It's a struggle to exercise. It's a struggle to stay motivated. It's a struggle to believe I can do this.

Don't get me wrong. I'm doing it. Some days are a breeze and I'm on top of the world and I know I can do this and I can't wait to see the scale.  Others I feel like this is quicksand. I'm trying to wade through, but I'm just not moving.

Yesterday not less than 5 people asked how much weight I'd lost and how I'd done it. They told me how great I look and that they didn't recognize me at first.

I gave the answer I always give. "I'm eating right, counting my calories, and exercising."

The thin ones smile and say, "Oh that's so great. You look wonderful."
The not thin ones say, "Oh....wow....wish I could do that."

Without fail this is how people react.  And I always feel good that they noticed my weight loss, but then I get mad. You CAN do it. You think this is easy? You think I just did it, like snapped my fingers and the weight was gone. You think I just got LUCKY?  You weren't around for the day after day. The days when I wanted nothing more than to bury my head in that chocolate cake. Drive through whatever fast food restaurant is nearest and order the first 3 comb meals.

YOU CAN DO IT.

If you want to.

Stop wishing, part of me yells. STOP hoping. Stop DREAMING of a time when you'll be thin or when you were thin. If you want to be healthy and lose weight, then do it.

It's a struggle. It's a battle. It's not easy. But then, what worth having is easy?

It's hard to make myself go to the gym. It's hard to find time in my overly scheduled and busy life to exercise. Would I rather watch TV and rest? YES. Sometimes anyway. But, will doing that get me to my goals? Of course not. Is it hard to push through a work out when you're tired and muscles hurt and you feel like you can't go on? YES! Is it hard to have trouble sleeping because my arms and chest hurt so bad I can't roll over? YES! Is it a struggle to then get up the next day and stretch and work out? YES!

Is it all worth it?

Of course it is. I can do things now I never dreamed I could before. I can run. Actually run, albeit slowly and not far, but still I can RUN. I can bike for an hour. I can do the elliptical for an HOUR. (I WOWed a patient with that info yesterday, btw. A thin one who was telling me they just can't find time to exercise. BS!) I can jump. I mean really jump in the air. I can SKIP again with my kids. I can run after the ball when we play catch instead of watching them run after it and waiting for them to retrieve it. I can break a board with my FOOT. I can defend myself if someone attacked me. I can do push ups. REAL ones. Lots of them. I can do sit ups. I did them yesterday, 30 of them while holding a 20lb medicine ball. 

I can buy clothes in a regular store. I don't care if I EVER darken the door of Lane Bryant again. I am in a size 14. A size which a year ago was a dream from my freshman year of college. I can even wear a size 12 in a few things. A TWELVE. Never have I done that.

Am I done?

Not even close. I have a long way to my goal. 60 pounds or so. My body is changing. I don't like the hanging skin on my arms. It's like I got more muscle and lost weight and they look worse-wigglier (is that a word?). And it's a struggle not to get discouraged. Will I ever be happy with how I look? I don't know. I have to focus on how I feel, not the numbers on the scale. But, even that is a struggle.

It's a struggle when I step on the scale, like today, and it's up 4 pounds. WTF? How does that happen? I ate some extra food yesterday. Food not on the plan. Before you freak out.......I ate an orange and a few cherries. That's all.  How in the WORLD can I be up 4 pounds? I worked out hard yesterday. Really hard. Lifted a lot of weight. I'm assuming that's it. Maybe I didn't hydrate after enough?

It's a struggle not to freak out. It's a struggle not to go off the deep end and just say, "screw this."  It's a struggle not to fall into old habits and give up.  It's a struggle not to listen to those negative voices.

It's a struggle I say, but not impossible.

I know that now. It's hard, but not impossible. There is a price to pay. Not much different than the price I paid to be fat. It's not like being obese is free of struggle.  I paid the price of not being able to move, not having cute clothes to wear, not being able to play with my kids. Those are the price I paid for doing what I wanted to do and eating what I wanted to eat. Now, I pay a different price. I eat less. Sometimes I'm hungry. Sometimes I'm tired. Sometimes I'm sore. Sometimes I have to make a choice between a candy bar and an apple.

Poor me.


So now I'll welcome the struggle. Welcome the pain, welcome the ups and the downs.  I know I may be struggling, but this struggle is the best I've ever felt in my life. The best thing I've ever decided to do.

Truth be known if this is the only struggle I have to deal with in my life, I'm pretty damned lucky.

Weekend Wrap Up and Monday Weigh In and Challenge Updates

Here we are another Monday and this one is difficult after the let down and the Mavs loss last night. Series isn't over and I'm still believing in my team.  That said, here's the catch up for the weekend.

Friday ended up being a super busy day. Woke up in the morning and ran, C25K.  Work was crazy busy. After I ran to pick up the girls and shuttle them to their sleep over. Son was at a friend's. That means Hubby and I had an evening to ourselves. We went to see The Hangover II and it was hilarious. Probably not as good as the first since the first one was so unexpected and now we knew the format, but still a great laugh.

Saturday morning I stuck with my morning workout pledge and got up early to ride the bike. Did 30 min and then some super stretching for my soreness. Then, had to pick up the girls and get to TKD. My oldest girl tested and got her blue belt!  Yeah her! She did so well for a 6 year old and broke her board on the first try. I was proud.  After that it was home and lunch and rest. Then off to Sam's for the weekly run. HOT! And buying for a family of 5 is another workout by the time you get it in the basket, push around the store, push it to the car, load it, unload it and put it away!  I was super sweaty. That evening we got in the pool and swam for 2 hours and the water felt great. 

After the active day I was pooped and THEN guess who came to visit. GREAT! Felt like crap all day yesterday with bad cramps and terribly tired, then migraine on top of that. Needless to say, I didn't run as previously planned. A day off was needed anyway with my sore legs and other parts. I forgot how sore running can make your whole body.

Took the girls to a bday party yesterday afternoon and had to get to Wal-Mart for a few things including some potting soil as I have some plants that need re-potting. Picked up a couple more basil plants to add to the herb garden. After I picked up the girls I headed home for a nap. Since I'm in the June Boom challenge I forced myself to practice a little TKD and go for a very short walk. It wasn't much, but it was exercise and I met the requirements, barely.

Then, I sat and read in the shade on the porch while the kids swam before the BB game. Up late last night watching the game and girls fell asleep watching the Train your Dragon movie for the 30th time, exhausted from the gymnastics party and swimming. They slept in this morning and so did I. I have an appointment with the trainer today at noon and I'm dreading it. I tried to think of a reason to cancel and then realized with the challenge I'll have to workout sometime anyway. Might as well be a good one.

Can't breathe today. Asthma city and there's an air pollution watch today. This is how it is summer in Dallas. Husband is out of town all week. That's a good news/bad news situation.  Bad news, single parenting. Good news, early bed times and I can throw the kids in bed with me with a movie while I rest if needed.

Weight was down another pound and the 180s are in view. My weight was 191. I think it would've been less if the bloating hadn't arrived right before weigh in. Excellent timing as usual.  I haven't measured in a while and had actually planned that for today, but I think I'll wait a week for the bloat to be gone. My ring fit this am without being loose, which is definitely evidence that water is being retained. I'm hoping to see a 180something on my next weigh in, so I'm chugging the water and eating on plan.

Challenge Wrap up:
Phase 6: Lost 8 pounds so far in 3 weeks.
JuneBoom: Exercised everyday. C25K done twice so far and on plan for tomorrow.
Small change: Morning workouts 3 out of the last 5 days. Gonna keep this as a goal this week as well.

Hope you all had a great weekend. I was super busy as you can tell so I didn't do much reading or commenting so I'll be catching up today. Have a great Monday and just keep going!

I'm Adorable!

Today I've been annoyed and struggling. I forgot to set my alarm last night. OOPS, so I overslept and didn't exercise this morning as I had planned. I will be exercising today as I'm heading to TKD after work. That's my favorite part of my week, and not just because I get to hit things although that helps. Every class I feel that I've accomplished something and learned something new. I can't rave enough about how much I enjoy it. The first exercise I've ever done that I don't dread doing.  I hope all of you find an exercise that you look forward to. Such a difference!

I've been fortunate enough to receive an award from TWO people. Thanks so much to my friend the Ninja at Cooking it off and Mallwalker at Getting Healthy.  Thanks you two!  So nice of you both to think of me.  Adorable is not a word I've often associated with myself, but I'll accept it!

According to the rules I'm supposed to tell you 10 things about myself.......umm......why is it these sort of things stop me in my tracks and my mind becomes blank? I don't know. But, I'll try to come up with a few. They may be things you know already, but oh well.

1.  I am a Mother of 3: One boy 13 and two girls 5 and 6. I've spent the last year running around to 3 different schools with the oldest in middle school, the middle in first grade and the youngest in pre-school.  It was exhausting, but over! Today was the last day of school. Next year I'll have only 2 schools to deal with.
2.  I really am a doctor:  I am a specialist in Family Medicine. I think sometimes some of my readers think I'm a doctor like, "I play one on TV or in BLOG-LAND" sorta doctor.  But, no. I'm the real thing. I work full time. I own my own practice.
3.  I love to read.  One of the reasons this blog thing has been so addictive for me is that I'm a reader. I always have a book I'm reading, at least one. I love magazines, newspapers, anything I can get my hands on. I don't always have time to read much, but I've got a book with me everywhere I go, just in case.  I'm currently reading The Passage by Justin Cronin. LOVE IT. It's a futuristic, post-apocalyptic vampire-zombie virus kills the world book and it's awesome. Also working on the latest in the  City of Bones series.  I generally read escapist type books. I'm not one for mushy make you cry Oprah book club type stuff. I do read the occassional non-fiction, but for the most part I get enough non-fiction in my own life.
4.  I love to road trip.  I can find something interesting about just about anywhere. I love to go places I've never been and find the local museum. I love history and learning about most anything although I suck at remembering such trivia.  I love looking at maps and seeing what "points of interest" are marked and checking them out. We've found some really neat out of the way places to visit that way.
5.  Sometimes I'm too nice.  I have a soft spot for the underdog. Maybe because I've always thought I was one. Sometimes that's gotten me into trouble. I've had people take advantage of me and my kindness in the past. This has led me to be cautious and suspicious, which I hate. But being too trusting isn't good either. I can't tell you how many times I've felt bad for patients when they said they couldn't pay and given them a break only to find out they took a Mediterranean cruise for a month and drive a nicer car than me.
6.  I hate snakes. Nuff said. Living in Texas this time of year is well...challenging. But so far, fingers crossed, I haven't encountered any of the nasty things. I hope it stays that way!!
7. I like to garden and wish I could do more.  So we have one small raised bed planted with tomatoes, bell peppers, watermelon and cucumbers. I wish I had more time to do more. But, it takes a lot of work and there's only so much time in the day, right?
8. I'm an only child.  This means I don't mind being alone. I learned how to do laundry and dishes at an early age. I don't have to be entertained and I cannot stand constant sibling bickering which is always happening in my house. It also means that I sometimes long for the sibling relationship. Luckily I've had some really wonderful friendships and relationships in my life. For that I'm very thankful. Doesn't mean I enjoy or understand why my girls are rolling in the floor fighting one minute and then saying, "I love you sissy" the next. It's weird.
9.  I have mommy guilt. I suppose this is one all mother's live with to some extent. I feel like I'm not good enough, not there enough. There is so much pressure on us moms to be "the perfect mommy." Funny thing is I haven't met one yet. And it's not because I work. I know plenty of stay at home moms who feel the same way.  I guess it's because we love our kids so much we want to do everything right. Of course no one can do EVERYTHING right. Sigh. I have to work on letting go of this. A lot.
10.  I occasionally burst into song for no reason. This one is random, but I was trying to come up with a silly thing about me.  Sometimes a word or thought triggers a song memory and I just burst into song. Can't help it. Sometimes I make up silly songs and sing them to my kids which are random and well...silly. I don't know why I do this. But, I always have. My mom used to get on to me about singing jingles from commercials all the time. I still do it. Remember the, "I can bring home the bacon"  commercial? I know those of you my age do. Or what about the Big Mac song? Or The Coca Cola song with all the people singing and holding hands? (Your welcome for getting this lovely tunes stuck in your head today. Grin) Yes, I sometimes just start singing them and my kids stare at me like I'm coo coo. Then I have to explain the reference and that takes all the fun out of it. But, now my oldest has started the same thing with silly random songs and references and it's a lot of fun when we have an inside joke.

So that's 10 things about me. Some you likely knew, but maybe you learned something. I'm supposed to pass it on and so I'll pass it to:

Patrick because he freakin cracks me up and I can't wait to read his 10 things.
Treading Lightly because he's new on the block.
Shelly because she's awesome and also cracks me up. Plus she'll totally get all my commercial references.

There are so many more blogs I love love love, but frankly I'm tired of thinking and I've gotta leave for TKD.  So, I hope everyone enjoys their evening. GO MAVS!!!

A Challenging Month!

I am soooooo happy that the kids will be out of school after tomorrow. My last day driving to 3 different schools, at least for a few years!

Last night was terrible. I started feeling bad again, I guess the same bug. I had a headache and diarrhea and vomiting. TMI I'm sure, but this is stuff I talk about all day so I tend to be well....open about bodily functions. I threw up my dinner, such that it was as we're back to the liquids. After that I ate a few saltines. They are about the only thing that will stop my nausea, even though they are not on the plan. But, today I feel better and I'm back on track.

I'm a bit tired and grumpy after that feeling bad and the game last night. My Mavs lost, but I'm still feeling hopeful and it is, after all, a 7 game series!   That tired and grumpy led to one massive internal fight at lunchtime.

You see, it's National Running Day today. That's right. It's the day that everyone is supposed to run. And seeing as how I joined a challenge or two (more later) I really had to exercise. And since part of the challenge for me involves running, I REALLY had to do it. Had to. But, didn't want to.

I hope I'm not the only one that argues with myself. If I am, I don't want to know. But I had a MASSIVE fight with that little whiny bitch fat girl that still lives inside me and is LAZY as shit. EVERY excuse in the book she threw at me today. "But, I was sick. I'm so tired.  I'm wearing a nice outfit and my make up actually looks decent. I can't find my headphones. I only have an hour. It's sooooooo hot." 

And then she got mean," You've tried and tried to do the C25K and you never finish. What's the point of starting it yet again? You'll just give  up and fail and then you'll feel stupid again. I don't see the point in setting yourself up for that kind of failure. You're still WAY too fat to be a good runner. You should wait until you lose 20 more pounds, THEN you can run"

To which I countered that: Exercise makes me feel better. I was sick last night, but that was then and I'm fine now. My makeup will look just as good when I re-apply and being thin REALLY makes make up look good.  You don't NEED headphones, iphone has a speaker. And yes it's hot, but that's why we have a treadmill! And hour is PLENTY of time since the C25K only takes 30min. AND I don't care how many times I have to start this over, I'm finishing it. I want to run and I am going to. I was running 30 pounds ago. I can go faster now and WHAT would I be waiting for? How do you think I'll lose another 20? Sitting and watching TV. Now shut up and RUN!

So I did.

Who says ladies don't sweat?

I've joined a couple of challenges. I don't generally do them. Of course I've been in Allan's phase....whatever we're doing..6? And I'm doing pretty well. Lost some weight. If you're looking for a challenge with a lot of structure where you will lose weight, check it out here.

But, two of my fav bloggy friends are hosting these and I couldn't NOT join.

First I am doing the

This challenge is hosted by my friend Alan at Pounds off Playoff. I like it because it's about exercise and I've already got my food hands full (or empty as the case may be) with the other Allan's challenge.  I like it because it has simple rules. I'm slow so simple is good. Plus I'm busy and simple is a necessity.  The rules are:
1. Exercise everyday in June. I can do this. I can. I will exercise one way or another, every single day. It will only make me feel better. It will speed my weight loss and it will re-focus me on exercise. All good.
2. Start something you've been putting off.  One of the things that I love about Alan's blog is that he's always talking about simplifying your life and organizing. I had to chuckle when I read this because it is classic Alan. I will be starting C25K (yes AGAIN).  I've been on and off againing this one for months. It's time I got busy and finished the damn thing. And now that I've committed to exercise every single day, there's really no excuse.
3. Be publicly accountable.  I have no problem with this one. I will blog as I always do to meet this part.

The next one is from my friend Tami over at Nutmeg Notebook, one of my very fav recipe (and more) blogs.

Again, a very simple challenge, but that's the beauty of it. Basically you choose a goal each week to work on. It's supposed to be something small. The point is to prove to us all that small changes really add up to good health. A great concept! You can read about the rules here. My goal for this week is to get back in the habit of morning workouts. I just feel better when I workout in the morning, even if I workout again later in the day. (Yes. Yes you can work out more than once in a day. Grin) See how these 2 challenges will go hand in hand?
I'll probably pick something else next week, but this week I'll focus on that one.

And so that's all for today. Three challenges at the same time, but each with a different focus. Just in time for summer and a time when commitments are less for me. Last summer I spent a lot of time exercising, usually twice a day, sometimes 3 times if you count the evening swimming. I did great and lost weight and a lot of inches. I'm ready to really buckle down and get even closer to my goal. I have about 60 more pounds to my goal weight and I refuse to lose focus now!

Are you doing any challenges for the summer? If so which ones and why?

BTW, I received an award today. Thanks, Ninja! And I'll post on that later.