Where Have I Been?

Well, that's a really good question.  First, I want to thank those of you who emailed me to ask where I've been. It's always nice to know I have people who care about me. You are the reason I'm back to be honest, well, at least ONE of them.

Where have I been?

The simple answer is I've been busy. The real answer is much more complicated. I've been stressed to the max in both my professional and personal life and struggling. A host of things I cannot discuss here. The problems left me spiraling down into a dark place. Depression I've known, but this one was bad. I found myself withdrawing from my life. When I saw myself even withdrawing from my family, I knew I needed help. I've started getting help now and I do feel better.

Now, I'm just dealing with the aftermath of the episode. When you are in the midst of depression you really cannot see a way out. Your world narrows until you only see the negative things. You start to feel hopeless and that there is no way out. When you're in the midst of  deep depression you are not living anymore, only surviving. When you have entered survival mode, you don't think about consequences to you or those around you. It's really a very selfish state actually. It's all about you and how bad you feel.  You lose sight of goals and desires and wants. There isn't thought of the future or looking forward to things because for you, at that moment, you see nothing but the pain you're in right then.

Now, I feel like I'm waking from a long, deep sleep. You know that confusion you get when you wake up from a long nap and you're not really sure what time it is or where you are? Ever have that? Well, that's where I've been. In the midst of my depression I didn't want to be here.  Because here meant writing about how I was and what was happening. That meant facing it. I wasn't ready until now.

Looking back on the last 2 months I see I was selfish, things weren't as bad as I thought. But, I'll tell you, for those of you who have never had true Major Depression, at the time I really couldn't see it. I couldn't be thankful for what I had. I couldn't look on the bright side because I really truly couldn't see one. And this is why I tell my patients that you can't "pep talk" your way out of depression. It helps to have a positive outlook. It helps to try to think positively, but real depression is chemical. It is your brain FLOODED with uncontrollable dark and sad and angry and hopeless thoughts. It's an onslaught that you cannot defend.

And there's guilt. So much guilt at not being really "there" for you family. I got pretty good at pretending with my kids. I don't think the kids knew how bad things were. I really try to be the Mom they need even at my own expense, no matter what. But I knew I wasn't really in the moment for them and I felt very guilty about it.  And then I'd feel sad because I wasn't enjoying those times with my kids. There's guilt about not doing the things I knew I should to take care of myself, not eating right, not exercising, not blogging. Which would make me feel worse. That whole pain-guilt-sad-pain cycle was going round and round for me. That's what I'm working very hard to put and end to right now.

And that's where coming back here is an issue. Have I gained weight? You know I have. More guilt, more shame, more frustration, more hopelessness. I couldn't come back here to wallow in that. I won't. It would only get me going in the wrong direction. I have to be honest that I am not back to where I want to be mentally or physically. I am determined to get back to where I was and I'm not talking about the scale.  I was afraid to come here and talk about my weight gain and my struggles at the risk of my fragile state. I knew attacks by those not as understanding or supportive around here would be too much. I wasn't ready for any "tough love" or especailly full on onslaught which can happen to those of us putting ourselves out there.

Over the last weeks as I've begun to emerge from my despair I've looked around and missed the support and friends I have found here. I've started to be able to look around and count my blessings. Of course seeing my friends struggle through the chaos of a huge hurricane and losing everything helps with that immensely. It puts things in perspective for sure. 

So that's where I've been.

I'd rather begin to focus on where I'm going. I've started the process of figuring out how I got where I was in hopes of never returning.  I still turn to food way too quickly for comfort. I've got to figure out why and find other outlets.  I've started to slowly put pieces in place to begin to move forward again. It's time for me to get back on track.  I'm still having some hard days, but things are better. I'm looking forward to Christmas and I had a good Thanksgiving weekend.

Today, coming here to write is another step. Putting myself out there and looking for a way back. I've still been going to TKD classes. I didn't want to at times as much as before, but I think it is very positive I've kept up with that. Now it's a matter of getting my other daily workouts back in place. That's the plan. And finally the food and tracking and the water.  One day at a time, right?

I feel better already.

Wednesday Weigh-in and Other stuff.

I had planned to write a humorous and inspiring post today, but instead you get this. This will have to do.

Things I'm thinking about today:

1.  Seeing Peyton Manning in the Denver jersey is weird. But he's still awesome. Not that great last night, but he's not a one man band. He does need help. Help us all when he's back to speed.

2.  For the love of all that is holy, get the REAL refs back. Right now. Thanks.

3.  Testosterone does NOT fix everything.  You might be wondering why this would even come up. Well, I listen to a lot of sports radio. Testosterone is all the rage these days. (Haha. Punny, I know!)  Every 30 seconds there's another radio spot about how testosterone declines as you get older and it will "decrease abdominal fat, increase energy, sex drive," blah blah blah....I've had 24 year old men in my office wanting testosterone. There's a reason that this stuff is not allowed as a performance enhancer, people. I've even had women wanting it. UGH........These commercial make it sound like we should just give it to everyone so we'd all be slim and muscular and have energy and great sex lives! We'd also have acne and hair in all the wrong places and RAGE and cholesterol through the roof, but that's another subject.

4.   Why will people go to Wal-Mart and dish out $200 for a basket FULL of CRAP food but refuse to pay me $20 for their copay to get their diabetes under control? Why do they think it's OK to say, "I don't have it. You'll have to bill me". I'm pretty sure they don't say that in the checkout line when they're buying their pop-tarts. Sigh.....

5. Would it be bad for me to super glue my son's locker key to his forehead? 4th week of school and he's already forgotten his key at least once every week. This necessitates ME returning HOME to get said key and drive it BACK through the traffic. Sigh.....

6.  One-arm pushups are hard.  I did them yesterday during my P90X workout. I was quite pleased to do a grand total of TWO each arm, "real ones" and 6 more each side on my knees. My chest hurts today. A lot.

7.  I love, LOVE it when people underestimate me.  So I'm at Costco. Kid is bagging my stuff in my ginormous Sam's bags (I know).  Kid (19-20 year old boy..... my GOD I'm old) says to me "Uh.....I don't think you can lift all that in there."  And so....  I grin.......Um....And I say to him, "Thanks, but I do this all the time. I did 150 push ups the other day, I'm almost a black belt in TKD AND I can bench more weight than you I'll bet." Chuckling, "I'll be fine. Put that stuff in the bag. I'm more worried about the bag holding up than ME being able to lift it." Look on his face...priceless. RESPECT. I may be as old as your Mom or look that way, but I 'aint your Mom.

8. I really love coffee.  That is all.

9. I think people need to remember that we are all just people.  There is an awful lot of discord in the world. It's horrifying. I'm afraid to even let my kids watch the news. Between the election and the world wide rioting it is just plain frightening. I'm starting to thing a zombie apocalypse might be easier to deal with. Let's all just be nice to each other, shall we? If only......

10.  Wednesday Weigh-IN:  I forgot to weigh today. Dumb shit. Actually no, I was dealing with a couple of girls who would NOT stop bickering. OH MY GOSH I thought I was going to LOSE it on 'em. Anyhoo....I did weigh yesterday and as of yesterday I had lost an additional 3 pounds. I also did my measurements for the end of the 1st phase of the P90X. I have lost a total of 5inches and 8 pounds since starting the program 36 days ago. Not too shabby I think. I'm pretty pleased. Especially since it is HARD. Really really hard and I'm not quitting so results makes it worth it.

Alrighty then, that's about all there is to it. I have a bored meeting....I mean...Board Meeting tonight so I'm missing the homecoming pep rally which I suppose is a bummer if you're me, but "yippee" if you're my son because now he gets to "hang" with his friends. Hope you all are doing well. Doing anything new on the exercise of food fronts lately? How do you keep from getting bored?  I'll tell you that this P90X program keeps you guessing!

What a BUNCH of CRAP!

Some days just don't go as planned. They just don't.  Mine didn't today. Woke up with a terrible migraine. Overslept. Didn't get my workout this morning. Forgot my food and snacks. Emergency at work and ran late so missed TKD class. Ate salad at lunch brought into the office. Grabbed the dressing and ate it, THEN realized it WASN'T my usual low fat light dressing so it's TRIPLE the calories and fat. Crap. There's carrot cake in the break room calling my name and I've told it to kiss off.  With all the chaos I haven't gotten all my water in today. NOW I am just getting done with work and I have to SOMEHOW get dinner, homework for 3 kids, baths for 2 kids AND get a workout in between NOW and 10 pm. AHHH!

When days like these happen you have a choice:You can either roll with it and do your best OR bail out, give up and "start again tomorrow".

Or..............

Heck, it's Thursday already, right? Might as well enjoy the weekend. You deserve it, don't you? You've worked hard all week. Maybe it was a really hard one. And tomorrow you have who knows WHAT to do. Maybe you have a party, luncheon, meeting? Maybe a big presentation to do? Or maybe you have the day off and just want to "relax"? You don't want to stress out about your diet TODAY after every thing else you've had to deal with. Just worry about it Monday. MONDAY is a much better day to get back on track.

Some days you wake up and everything is clicking. These days are AWESOME. You're a healthy eating, exercising machine. You KILLED it today. You were SOOOO good. Even ate that extra serving of green stuff. AND the water. MAN were you good!  You should totally have just a teeny, tiny bite of that cake in the break room. What's-her-name's birthday was today. Don't want to hurt her feelings. Oh and don't forget....you-know-who MADE it and you KNOW if you don't at least try it she'll never let you forget it. One tiny bite won't hurt and besides you burned 500 calories on the treadmill, right?

Some days SUCK. You don't want to even SEE another piece of lettuce. Ugh.....if you have to eat another salad! Or CHICKEN. Grilled chicken is STILL chicken no matter how you spice it, chop it, or try to hide it under that arugula. And yogurt...STILL yogurt no matter how much fruit or granola you dump in there. And egg WHITES. Who eats that? Who even thought to eat that? And then EVERY DAY??? Why can't you just ONE day have a pancake? Or a MUFFIN? Remember those? Yum.....with the crumbly topping. Sigh....SCREW it. You're allowed a CHEAT day once and a while. Aren't you? If you don't let yourself indulge WON'T you just GIVE up anyway? So what's the point? You'll just keep dreaming about that ice cream sundae they keep showing on that commercial until you have it. Better to just get it out of the way now, then you can get going on the diet.

Oh......What's the POINT? You try and try and TRY  and still don't lose weight. No matter how WELL you eat or exercise, the weight STILL won't come off. It's not FAIR. AND it's genetic. AND it's hormones AND it's just how it is for you. AND it's your medicine. AND it's HARD to exercise. You're just not into it. You've never been a person who liked exercise. SOME people do but you're just not one of the lucky ones, right? Besides it's so much EASIER to workout AFTER you lose a little weight first. If ONLY you could ever lose weight THEN you'd be able to work out THEN you'd be ABLE to follow a diet, maybe then.......

 PLUS you're happy aren't you. I mean you have a great life. PLUS you ENJOY eating. What's WRONG with that anyway? It's not like you do DRUGS or SMOKE or DRINK (a lot anyway). I mean YOU'RE a good person. You VOTE, go to CHURCH, take care of your family and ALL that REALLY matters is what's INSIDE. So who cares how much you weigh anyway. You spend WAY too much time obsessing over your diet and weight. You need to think about things that REALLY matter, right? Right???

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I've been there. Thought it all. HEARD it all. I KNOW. It's so easy to let yourself quit.   Seems logical at the time. Loving yourself. Being happy where your at......all that stuff.

Problem is:

It is ALL a BUNCH of CRAP you tell yourself that LET'S you DO to YOURSELF what you KNOW is KILLING YOU.

Bottom line. That's what it boils down to. Sometimes loving yourself and being focused on what really matters means saying NO to YOURSELF. What REALLY matters is living a long healthy life. Seeing your kids grow up. Being able to MOVE and BREATHE and LIVE without pain. Maybe SLEEP well without medicine or a machine. Getting off all that medicine you hate taking everyday. Avoiding a heart attack, a stroke, a surgery, and all the terrible crap that is going to happen if you don't do what you know you MUST. STOP listening to the lies you tell yourself.

Being overweight, obese, unhealthy and inactive is NOT OK. It's NOT.

Love yourself enough. Love your family, your kids, your life enough. FIND SOMETHING you love enough to do it. 

And do IT NOW.

Every. Single. Day.

The good ones, the bad ones, the mediocre ones, the awesome ones, the plain old every day ones.

Surprise! Uh oh! and Spinning!

Last week wrapped up really great. On Thursday I got up and did my P90X in the morning and then got to my TKD class at noon. Work as usual on Thursday. Friday morning I woke up super sore. 5 workouts in 3 days will do that to you I suppose.  I was to have my yoga workout, but knew there was no way my muscles were going to put up with that. Instead I skipped that work out in the morning. I went for a massage and that helped a lot.

After the massage, I ran errands including a trip to Costco. That's a workout by itself!  After that trip it was home to unload. I had a trip to the Dermatologist after that. And what do you know? Surprise!
Uh oh!

 I had a mole she was concerned about.

See this is why we doctors should never treat ourselves. Actually it was a new one on my stomach that I had noticed. My grandmother died at 54 of melanoma. That's really young.  Especially now that I'm 42.  I knew going in that I needed to get my skin checked, but just having another doctor say, "Oh yes, I'm concerned about that one."  And then having her chop it off, has made me a bit......nervous. Now I'm waiting for the pathology results and trying not to worry too much. Melanoma is no joke. Wear your sunscreen and get your skin checked!

Friday afternoon I picked up the girls from school and went to TKD class with them. It was a great class and the girls love when I can make their class.  That night we had Flat out wrap make your own pizzas. I love those. So easy and so tasty with fresh ingredients and healthy, too. Then the girls had a "kids night out" at TKD so hubby and I caught a movie. Son was at his football game with the band. It was an away game so he wasn't home until midnight!

Saturday morning I woke up with fever! AHHHH! Not cool. 99-100 all weekend. Cough, headache, sore throat and SUPER dizzy. Plus my period arrived full force. Double not cool. Hubby and son went to a boy scout hike early in the morning. Son did 12 miles with a 40 pound pack! Yikes!  He was sore when he got home. I had planned p90X and work in the garage with the nicer fall weather, but that was on hold. I didn't work out Saturday or Sunday although I was so dizzy that getting showered and dressed felt like a workout. Monday I dragged myself from bed and to work. I was still dizzy but better. Stupid fluid in the ears!  I had trouble turning my head to drive, but I was careful and made it through my day. With a nap at lunch instead of my workout. Sigh.....

This morning I'm much better, only mildly dizzy, a little cough and no more fever. I'm planning TKD class this evening. I feel guilty about missing my 26 minutes Saturday, Sunday and Monday, but can we count the extra I did Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday? Last week I did 360 minutes in 4 days. I would much rather be able to stick to my training schedule. I'm now behind on my p90x by a few days. That's OK. I cannot afford to be sick and miss work.

I didn't weigh in yet this week. I didn't track this weekend and I ate crackers, toast and soup. Every time I eat carbs I gain. So I'll wait until next week when things are back on track. Today I ate normally and I'm back to tracking as usual.

So I'm recovering from sinus goo, hoping the world will stop spinning soon and waiting on the pathology report from my mole. Praying it's not melanoma as it is definitely in my genetics. My mom has had one also. About my age....gulp.....So think of me and better yet........PROTECT YOUR SKIN and see your doctor!

Weekend Wrap up, holiday style And Weigh in

The long holiday weekend was productive and busy, but with some fun mixed in as well. Friday I got up early and did my P90x. Then got the kids off to school. Ran a bunch of errands and then back home. Spent the rest of the day in the backyard trimming shrubs, cleaning the back porch, windows, weeding and cleaning the furniture in preparation for the BBQ on Monday. I was COVERED in dirt and sweat and nasty by the time I was done. Got the girls home from school and then back to shower and change for the first Friday night lights of the season. Here in Texas it's a big deal. First performance marching for my son and he was nervous. Although he'd been told he was one of the best marchers of the freshman. I tried to reassure him that he has a great advantage with his Taekwondo training over most of the over band students.

They do conditioning everyday for band including running laps, push ups and crunches, etc. Usually they do 50 push ups which he can whip out pretty easily. The first day he was laughing at the kids who couldn't do any of it and were falling out. TKD pays off again! Anyway, we got to the game and it was HOT and humid. Thank you Texas in August, sigh...We stayed through half time to see the show and then left. The first week of school had left the girls tired and super duper cranky by then. Son got done after 11pm and by then even hubby and I were tired and cranky.

Saturday morning I was up and busy. Husband went to a car show early so I used the time to finish the weeding in the back yard I started on Friday. Then I came in, got the girls breakfast and did my P90X workout. After a shower and I was spent, so tired and STARVED. I had a big breakfast as by then it was 11am. After that I did some stuff around the house and later we finally watched the Hatfields&McCoys we'd recorded back in May. (It was good by the way). For dinner we had Mooyah burger. I had the turkey burger, lettuce wrapped and 6 sweet potato fries. Dessert was watermelon. yummy!

Sunday I woke up feeling like CRAP. I don't know if it was all the yard work, but I suspect it was being outside in the pollen for 2 days straight. Ragweed blooming and I paid. Plus my hands were killing me, I was sore. Luckily it was my "rest" day. I slept in a little and then cooked a big breakfast. Ended up lounging around most of Sunday except a trip to Sam's. For dinner I cooked a broiled salmon with a balsamic  glaze which was FABULOUS with a big salad and fresh peas on the side. So yummy. I still got in my 26 minutes of activity because we got in the pool after dinner and I swam a few laps.

Monday we had guests coming in the afternoon. I slept in later than planned. No more sore throat, but still congested. Opted out of the work out for house cleaning instead. Breakfast prepared and prep work for the BBQ. Guests arrived. The menu was burgers and dogs for the kids, a huge salad, fresh grilled corn on the cob and for dessert-grilled pineapple at the request of my middle daughter complete with "cimmanom" of course. It was delicious and we had a bit of watermelon also. I drank one beer (light) and 1/2 a light Mike's lemonade.  I was in the pool from around 3:30-8pm with the kids. Believe me it's not all floating and relaxing with those guys. I did so much splashing and tossing of children that I woke up sore yesterday!

This morning I got up and was ready for the workout by 5am. I didn't sleep well last night. Took my vitamins later than usual and I suspect that was the culprit. Either that of the small glass of iced tea I had at lunch (unsweetened naturally).  I did NOT want to get up, but I knew if I didn't, there's just no time for that hour anywhere else in my day so UP I went. I had the first Core Synergistics workout of the P90X and it was HARD HARD HARD. I couldn't get through it all. I just have to say that it helps to see the super fit and muscle bound people on the video groaning and struggling with the moves. That means that if I can do 3/4 of the stuff for my fat ass self I'm doing pretty damn good. 400 calories later and I was SWEATY and proud and pooped. My arms hurt already from all those push ups and planks and plank running. HARD I tell you.

And now the big news.....

So I was worried that I did not track completely everything for the weekend. I know what I had and how many calories for the most part. I didn't eat over 1500.  Today I'll enter it all in my LoseIt program and see if I'm right on. Problem was I didn't drink enough water on Monday especially being outside in the pool so much. I was concerned I would gain.  I did recieved the new scale which so far I'm pleased about.  I weighed in on Friday when it arrived. Here are the results.

Beginning  of P90X 8/13/12: 224lbs
                                8/31/12: 219lbs

That's 5 pounds in 3 weeks. For me that's a great loss. Anything more than a pound a week and I'm stoked. I am a slow loser. I just am. Fair or not, thyroid problem or not, genetics or not, whatever. I've been absolutely clean with my diet. I weighed yesterday and was up a pound, that's OK, I know it's water and this morning I saw I was down to 218. And now I'm done weighing until next week.

So that's an update on what's happening with me not much except work outs and tracking my food and kids stuff and work and somewhere in there I try to sleep now and then. I love my life. I'm so thankful, exhausted, but thankful. Hope you are all on track. MOVE and I mean it!

You won't believe what I did this morning!

Good new! Nothing else blew up this week. That was quite a relief.  Today I'm tired. The 4:30am alarm clock was really a pain this morning. But, I pushed myself and got up out of bed. I did the P90X Chest and back. I added it up. Today I did 170 push ups. Not counting the pullups or other stuff. Not counting the 50 or so I did on my knees. Did you catch that number?

ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY!

I didn't realize the total until I sat down and added them up.
Regular push ups: 60
Military push ups: 30
Wide arm push ups: 40
Diamond push ups: 20
Decline push ups: 20

Of course these were done in 2 sets over an hour period, but still....that's pretty awesome. My wrists were hurting a bit this morning after all that. Since my goal is to be able to do even more (around 50 of each type) I went ahead and bought push up bars. I found one on clearance at Target. It's supposed to help. We'll see.

My diet has been really good. I'm eating great. Tuesday I finished with just over 1,000 calories. Yesterday,  I had right at 1,000. For dinner I had salmon, half a sweet potato, green beans, asparagus and a wonderful spinach salad.  It had fresh spinach, orange slices, Parmesan cheese (lightly sprinkled), and a yummy orange vinaigrette. SOOOO good!

I still haven't weighed as I'm waiting on the new scale. Should be here tonight. I'm anxious to weigh, but not too much. New scale and all that could have some variability. But at least I can start keeping track again of my weight. Kind of nice not to weigh every day though. Maybe I'll hide it and go back to only weighing weekly.

Today is the beginning of week 3, round 3 of the P90X. After this week, there is a week of "recovery" which is a lot of cardio, yoga and stretching. Then you are supposed to weigh and measure, take pictures. I'm just proud of myself for sticking with it so far, 4:30am wake up call and all.  There's no TKD class this week and I miss it. It will be back after the holiday.

I'm looking forward to my 4 day weekend. I have a lot to do at home as I continue to focus on the operation "Get that Crap Outta Here." I got the kids involved last weekend and the girls had a great time talking about things that might help kids who don't have enough. Now with the news of the hurricaine they'll have more motivation to help others. Win, win. House clean and people helped and it's tax deductible.

Speaking of the holiday.....we have plans to have some guests over on Monday for the obligatory BBQ. I will be cooking healthy stuff. There will be veggies ---- baked beans and potato salad do NOT qualify my friends. The kids have already requested that we do the fresh pineapple on the grill for dessert which is fine with me because it is AWESOME. Plus I've got some white peaches which may also be tasty. There will be no hot dogs, no pizza order ins, no fries. No apple pies, no ice cream. But there will be fun and friends and good food. There will also be exercise as I have a schedule to keep with the workouts AND the 26minute challenge which I'm committed to.

Plus college football starts this week. I'm ready to go. This fall will be a big challenge with son in the marching band and high school games on Fridays and OU games on Saturdays and NFL on Sundays and pretty soon when the heck am I working out? Well......I'll tell you. It's called.......I have a TV in my exercise room. And I will prioritize. Juggling should be my hobby. I'm an expert. There are no excuses. I can work a full time job, have a home, husband, 3 kids, hobbies AND exercise. So can you. Are you?

I still can't believe I did 170 push ups!

BOOM! FIRE! And WOW!

What a day! Wow!

I didn't sleep too well last night. Not sure why, but I think part of it was because my muscles were sore from my workout and I forgot to take something before bed. Anyway, I was none too happy when the alarm went off at 4:45am. Nonetheless, I dragged my tired and sore body out of bed, grabbed water, a towel and threw on my work out clothes.  

Today was Kenpo X workout for P90X. This workout is a blast, lots of fun. It's a kickboxing/martial arts type workout so just my thing. It's super hard, but not that much different than my TKD classes. A bit of jumping as there are jumping jacks and X jumps at each "rest break". These are optional, but I've tried to do them as much as I can tolerate them. I definitely felt this in my arms today and legs as I tried to pick up the intensity-height of kicks, etc. 

After the workout, I showered and we were off for the morning shuffle. Got the kids to school. Ran by Wal-Mart to pick up the SIX 1.5 inch notebooks son needs. I'd like to know who is supplying the wheel barrow for him to carry his 2 large horns, band duffle, and backpack with 6 binders and textbooks back and forth! Geez! How do they expect these kids to do all that? 

But I digress.....

After Wal-Mart I head to work and I see this just as I'm about to turn into my office

And I'm thinking.."That's looks like it's near my office."

Holy cow it is right by my office. My building is on the other side of the trees! So I'm on the phone with my husband and I say, "Oh gosh, there's a huge fire right by my office. I'll call you back." He's like, "Uh....Ok...Uh..." click.

I pull up and all my employees are rushing out of the building. There are big pops. We have no power. We hear this HUGE whooshing sound like a jet engine. Turns out there was a crew working on a nearby gas main line and it broke and exploded. It took out all the power in the area, including the hospital for several hours. We were lucky and got ours back pretty quickly. There were multiple fire trucks and helicopters circling all morning. We canceled morning patients because the fire officials told us they weren't sure at first if we would need to evacuate. Luckily we didn't. The crew that ruptured the line were all safe and only 4 of them were treated for minor injuries. I can't believe no one was hurt. Thank goodness! It was capped off by noon and it was business as usual, but before that it was total chaos.
Here's a view from my desk

At lunch I took my huge van load of donation to the homeless shelter. Felt good to get my van back again. I got back to the office in time to work on entering all the band activities into my calendar and I ordered a new scale. I looked at several, but my husband and I agreed on a pretty basic one. I also got calipers to measure body fat.

Food yesterday was great with just under 900 calories. Not really sure why it was lower, but I wasn't too hungry and I was busy, so not many snacks. Today I'm at around 500 cals before dinner. Not sure what that will be yet. I have been a little more hungry today, but maybe that's just nerves? I've had almost 100oz of water so far.

So that was my excitement, hopefully for a long time. Could of been very bad if other fires or explosions had been triggered. Thank the Lord for fire fighters and quick response and that no one was really hurt! Except my printer....I think it got fried by the power surge. But, it was really on hospice anyway. I've had it forever. Time for a new laser printer for the office I guess. We'll see. Tech Dude is supposed to check it out later tonight.

After I leave work, I have a Band parent meeting, the first of TWO this week. This high school thing is really getting on my nerves already. Sigh.....

OH and before I forget. My friend Alan over at Pounds Off Playoff has issued a challenge to exercise 26 minutes everyday for the next 81 days. A friend of his family is running to honor servicemen who have died in Afghanistan. He'll be running from International Falls, Minnesota to Galveston, Texas at an unbelievable clip of a marathon a day, every day, for 81 days! HOLY SUPER WOW! Alan has challenged his friend's and family to exercise a mere 26 minutes EVERY DAY in a show of support for his friend's efforts. I'm totally in. You can read more about it here. AND HERE!

This started like 5 days ago, but better late to post than never, right? I started the challenge ON TIME though. It's really good motivation to keep me accountable with my commitment lately to P90X and my workouts.

Busy Weekend! I won a raffle and School...sniff sniff.

What a busy and active and  crazy weekend I had!  Friday, I did my P90X yoga. Can I just say how hard that yoga is? I had no idea yoga could be so difficult. After that it was errands including oil change, Sam's, groceries. Then house work. Friday night Hubbie and I finally got to see Batman. It was really good.

Saturday morning we got up early and took my son to his Freshman orientation. Sigh. Yes, my friends, today he started High School and I am not dealing all that great with it. Can't believe my baby is in 9th grade!  After that, my husband and I went to a behind the scenes Mavericks tour. Those of you who know me know that I love my sports a LOT. This was a lot of fun. We even got to meet Donnie Nelson, the GM. I won a jacket in the raffle like the players wear to warm up. It is HUGE, but that's OK. Lots of fun. Here is me on the practice court.

After that we came home and I spent some time organizing and cleaning. I'm really trying to de-clutter. I have a whole load of stuff to drop off to donate tomorrow to the homeless shelter in town.  My husband wanted tacos so we had that for lunch on the way home. I had grilled chicken and 2 small corn tortillas.  It was tasty and I enjoyed the spicy sauce. For dinner we were tired and I was not too hungry. I had a wheat wrap turkey sandwich with carrots and hummus on the side. I walked and walked that day, nearly 5 miles!  I ended up with 1400 calories that day.  I didn't get my P90X done because I overslept. I was mad at myself, but at least I got the walking.

Yesterday, I spent the whole day working at home and in the garage. From 9am to 5 when I cooked dinner I was on my feet and lifting boxes and moving furniture and whatnot. I had not planned P90X yesterday. It was supposed to be my rest day. I was supposed to do legs, but my legs were sore. I did the housework I had to get done for peace of mind and decided to use the garage as my workout. I woke up sore today so I suppose it did some good.  I was busy and had a big breakfast, but didn't stop for lunch. I cooked grilled honey mustard chicken, sauce on the side homemade and low fat, green beans, baked sweet potatoes and salad last night for dinner. Calories yesterday were 1300

This morning was first day of school and usual chaos and fun. I didn't work out this morning. I should have since I was lying awake thinking of all the crap I needed to get done. Anyway, the kids got to school and I got to work. I look forward to hearing all about their days tonight. I did my P90X Legs and back at lunch and I increased my band weight for the "pull ups" so my arms are sore already this afternoon. That's the point though isn't it?  I've had 90ounces of water already and just had my yogurt for snack. I'm at a little over 500 calories so far today. I still have abs to do when I get home. I didn't have time at lunch. I also have some work to do since today was so busy.

I haven't weighed in like 2 weeks because the scale is still broken and yes, hubby tried, but couldn't fix the dang thing. Now I have to get a new one. I'm trying to decide on what kind to get. Suggestions? It's really weird not to weigh, but maybe it means I must be strict with my diet and exercise until I know for sure what the scale is doing. I am pushing myself in my diet and workouts. I expect good things when I do weigh, very soon I hope.

That's it for now. Hope your Monday has been good. I'm just too busy to be profound today, ha ha!  Take care!

Doing my best.

This morning the alarm went off at 4:45 am. I crawled out of bed at just before 5am. Got on my workout gear, popped in the P90X chest and arms and went to work. I finished that and then on to the AbRipper X. When it says "ripper" it means it. Ugh. Luckily it was better today and I got through more reps. I still can't do them all like the model-types on the DVD, but I did more than the last time and that's good enough for me. 486 Calories later and I was sweaty and my arms were tired.

I drove the boy to band, got the girls breakfast and then settled in to read my blogs and finish work from last night. Apparently a blogger that reads my blog, that I read also and do respect was very unhappy that I let my kids have skinny cow ice cream and posted all about it. I was pretty upset. I mean this is one of the reasons I am careful about what I blog. My first instinct was to just quit blogging. To be honest I don't have a lot of time and I don't need this extra stress. I take my kids and their nutrition very seriously.  I stewed about this all day long. I'm kinda embarrassed to admit how much it bothered me. Then I thought, I blog for me, right?  That's what I've always said. It's nice to look back and see where I've been and progress and see when I haven't been doing what I should be doing better. So I read it again.

I get it. But let me say, there are way worse things I could feed my kids. I do not fool myself into thinking this is healthy. I know it is junk and so do my kids. My kids know that even the skinny cow are treats and not to be had daily or even weekly. I get the idea that there are better choices but the whole point  I was making in the post was that my kids did make a better choice. Of course I didn't make my own yogurt, it was store bought so I suppose it has some bad stuff in there also. Anyway, it is best to stick with "real food" but we all know there will be occasional treats.  My kids eat a very healthy diet for the most part. Is it perfect? NO. But I do my very best to see they get fresh fruits and veggies and healthy grains. I've had people criticize me for giving them pork, which we had for dinner last night, AND even 1% milk. Each of us has to make our own choices. They don't get soda, except VERY rarely. They don't get juice all day. We don't do fruit roll ups or fruit chews or snacks. I hate those. With kids, it is a constant battle to do the right thing. I try.  I'm pretty sure no one is perfect. No one.

I will point out that I did not say I had either the skinny cow OR the extra yogurt because I didn't.  I'm restricting calories and monitoring my intake. I need to lose weight. They do not.  I agree that when you're dieting you don't need snacks or fake food. Very rarely I like a Skinny Cow. It doesn't give me diarrhea. I personally don't like the 150 calories for one of them. I'd rather have fruit most of the time. Now no matter what your opinion is of me or my diet, it's your opinion. Obviously this blogger knows about losing weight. I think she's great. She's lost weight and kept it off. I can learn from her. But everyone is allowed their opinion. Someone who is going through training to help others get in shape needs to get used to people not always agreeing with her. As mad as it might make you, you can't just yell at someone and expect them to respond or change their opinion. And you especially can't expect them to respond to that and then expect them to want to improve themselves. Not everyone is motivated that way.  I've learned that after 13 years of medical practice.

 I've also learned that what some people call obvious science and solid truth isn't always right.  Even scientists have differing opinions concerning the best kinds of diets and supplements and approaches to nutrition. Remember that you're right to want to know what's in your food. But at least Skinny Cow has to tell us exactly what's in there and then make sure what it says is actually in there.  Supplements like vitamins and protein powders and all that stuff we add to our food and diet are not regulated by the FDA. Just because they say it's "all natural" doesn't mean it is. They can put what they want on the label and what's in the jar may not be what it says.

I guess I'm saying we need to pay attention to what we put in our body. I agree that "fake foods" like diet ice creams and sugar free cookies and bars and whatnot are not the healthiest of choices. We shouldn't fool ourselves into believing they are healthy.  I totally agree that it's best to eat real food and healthy stuff. I'm glad that's exactly what my kids got last night for their snack.

Week 2 of P90X

Here I am cruising into week 2 of the P90X. I have to say that this second week is harder so far. That is likely because I am sore and also I'm trying to increase my reps and weight to push myself harder this week.  Yesterday I had trouble with the push ups which usually don't bother me, but I have a strain in my lower ab muscles and it was just really hard to get them done. I did my best. Today I did the plyometrics which is a super lot of jumping and squats and lunges. I got through it fine, but I can't do the one leg hopping so I just do one leg squats instead.

Anyway, the week is great with food and I'm expecting a nice loss. Problem is my scale broken. Husband says he can fix it, but hasn't had time. I keep trying to convince him to get a new one, but he's not on board with that yet.  I weigh at the office, but of course it's different and I have my clothes on so the numbers don't correlate. I did weigh myself prior to starting the P90X and take measurements so I am expecting good things. I can tell a difference in my arms already.

The program is a huge time commitment especially on top of my taekwondo classes, but it's worth it. Just to see the look on people's faces when I say I'm doing it is kinda cool. Do I look like the people on the video? Of course not. I can't jump as high. I can't do all the reps. But I can do a lot of it. I did about 100 push ups yesterday. ME. And later that night I did 20 more at TKD class. I worked out 2 hours and 15min yesterday and an hour today.

Yesterday I had 1300 calories. For dinner we had a yummy black rice with sweet potato and a salad. So good!  Today I've had under a 1,000 calories and I'm not hungry. For dinner I had pork tenderloin, very lean and green beans. Lots and lots of water.

Tomorrow I'm getting up at 4:30 to get in my workout before work. I have a meeting at lunch. Unfortunately I won't get to do TKD tomorrow unless something changes with my schedule, but as usual I'm taking my gear just in case. Be prepared my friends. Always be ready to get in a workout if you're able. I carry my TKD gear and a gym bag just in case.

School starts on Monday and tonight the girls met their teachers-first and third grade. Son has his Freshman camp thing on Saturday, but we're trying to figure out how to do that AND the neato thing that was offered to me today. A friend called and said they have passes for a behind the scenes tour of the Mavericks Saturday morning. Anyone reading this blog for any amount of time knows what a sports freak I am. I love my Mavs so this would be too cool. BUT, I've got to juggle the kids and schedule around. What else is new? We'll see what can be worked out.

Also this weekend Boy Scout popcorn sales start. Ugh. Why does this seem to come around earlier every year? Sigh.....Oh well. At least now you can donate it to the military instead of getting it in your house. I don't need all that crap here. Even though the kettle corn is fab. The light microwave is not too bad calorie wise, but when I eat that much carb, I just crave more.  That's just how I'm made I guess. I bought some last year. Only the kids eat it and it's rare. Still some in there likely.

Speaking of kids......win on the nutrition front tonight. Instead of asking for ice cream (skinny cow or low fat, no sugar is all we have) after dinner, kids asked for their new favorite snack-yogurt with banana and granola. So proud that they are starting to pick real food, healthy choices. See kids WILL pick good stuff if it's offered. They do not NEED cookies and brownies or cupcakes. Most nights they don't get after dinner treats anyway, but we ate early and how do you say no to fruit and yogurt?

Anyway, things are busy, but cruising along. Hope all is well with you.

Lots of Sweating.....Busy.....What's your WHY?

It's been a while since I posted. My life has been insane. I am really struggling with juggling. Hee hee. That's funny. It rhymes. So tired......

In the past 2 weeks I have been swamped at work. My son started his summer band. My kids have done TKD camps and are working on tests. My daughter had a birthday. My mom had a birthday. We had a work BBQ gathering. I had a house full of family and my BFF and her kids for a week.  I've been doing a lot of swimming laps because getting to the gym has been impossible. I pulled a muscle in my neck doing back stroke which resulted in 4-5 days of not working out. I took the kids to the dentist. I took my son back to school shopping.  I've been trying to get my house organized, albeit slowly. I swear it's like a sinking ship I'm constantly trying to bail out. Sigh.

Anyhoo...I'm still here and I'm still making effort. I'm working out and eating right. I'm not perfect but I am tracking everything, so that's an improvement to be sure.

This week I started P90X. Let me tell you it is hard. Really hard. I was really worried, but overall it has been doable so far. I have to modify a few moves, but I can do most of it. Thank you Taekwondo! The chest and back workout was mainly pullups and pushups. I love push ups, but I had no idea there were so many different kinds. So far the hardest was the decline push ups. I just can only do 5 at a time of those. That will improve as my abs and back get stronger. Instead of the 25, I did 2 sets of 5 and then did regular push ups.  I can't use a pull up bar in my house as I have wide doors and the ceilings are tall. Plus, I can't do more than one anyway. But, instead I'm using bands and it is still really great.

Even the killer plyometrics workout from today wasn't too bad. I have heard horror stories. One of my drug reps told me that he had trouble with the warm up! And he's way younger than me and in way better shape. I was nervous that I'd be standing there and having to just modify everything, but I didn't. There is a TON of jumping in that. I wish I could jump higher, but as I lose weight that will improve. Knee ups and the rock star jump were the worst. Also, I can't really hop on one foot, too hard on my knee, but instead I did a modified move.  I'm just proud that I made it through the first two days without falling out.

The ab workout is KILLER. That's the one I had the most trouble with so far. That is 16min of pure hell if you ask me. I cannot do many of those at a time. Considering the people on the video do at most 25-30 of each one, I was pretty pleased I could do 8-10 of each thing. Clearly I need that the most.Can't wait until I can get through the whole thing.

Me after day 2 P90X. note the HUGE sweat stain and glassy eyed stair. It's a beast, but how COOL is it that I'm doing this thing? Pretty dang cool if you ask me, especially for someone that never, EVER worked out 2 years ago.

And now here's how my week has gone so far........

So let's see. Yesterday I got up, got the boy to band, girls ready for camp, swam a few laps. Went to work. Came home at lunch and did P90X chest/back. Went back to work. Came home, did the P90X abs. Then had a teleconference until 8:30pm. Got the coffee maker set up, food packed for today, kids to bed. Did work I had left to do. Went to sleep. I ate 1120 calories and I went to bed full and happy.

This morning I got up and took son to band, swam a few laps, got the girls ready for camp. Showered and got ready for work. Left a bit early and took the van to get tires rotated. Went to work. Worked. Went home and did P90X plyometrics. Burned 475 calories. Showered because I was DRIPPING. Back to work. Worked. Changed for TKD, drove to TKD. Did an hour of TKD and burned 420 calories. Came home. Showered because I was DRIPPING AGAIN. Ate dinner with the family. Spent 2 hours reviewing TKD with the kids as they get prepared for their next belt test. Got girls to bed and now I'm here finally making myself take a few minutes to post. Today I had  1119 calories and I'm full. I had snacks and I'm trying to keep my protein up. I drank 148 oz of water today. I feel really good. I have a bit of a headache, but that's due to the storm. Yep, there's thunder here. And rain.  Yippee.

I'm sorry I haven't posted more. I want to. I do. I think about all of you. I read your blogs. I get in my head that I need to have time to think of something inspiring to say. I get in my mind that I'm too busy to post. I get in my mind that if I can't do a "good" post I shouldn't bother. But, I know that when I'm posting, I'm focused and that's really my goal. I still have my moments with food and my issues. I wish I could wish them away, but I can't. I keep working on it. I will get past my hang ups and baggage about food. I have to.

Nothing like having a few people put in your path that remind you of the problems you have. I have had several patients complain to me lately that they can't lose weight. Most of them do not like the advice I give them. I've heard a LOT of my own thoughts thrown at me the last 2 weeks and some that I just get sick of hearing. It's really struck home. I'm so tired of hearing people tell me why they CAN'T do it. What they really are saying is that they WON'T.

"I try and don't lose so what's the point".
"I enjoy food. I don't drink or smoke. Shouldn't I have something I enjoy?"
"I'm too busy to eat right and plan meals"
"When I get home I'm just too tired to work out"
"I don't LIKE healthy foods"
"I just CAN'T give up my carbs."
"I work out at least 20 minutes 3-4 times a week and I STILL don't lose anything"
"No matter what I do my belly is still flabby."

Of course when I counter with ways they can do better on diet or exercise, they don't want to hear it. When I tell them there's no easy way, they get mad. I try to tell them I understand. I go through the same thing. I try to let them know it's doable. I try to tell them that they CAN do it if the WANT to do it. Each of us has to find our own WHY.

So my WHY is my kids, my family, my health, my future, my future grand kids and great-grands and traveling and trips and hiking and running with the kids and playing and being able to do those damn knee up jumps and getting my black belt and feeling good and healthy and fit and powerful. I want to LIVE. Really live my life. That's my why.

What's your why?

Random Stuff and Checking in

Today I'll just post a few random things. 

1. This week is super busy as both my NPs are out on vacation. Don't ask me how they both ended up out at the same time. It was not preferable but I'm way too nice to tell someone they can't go to their family reunion. Just me means I'm doing the job of 3 people and I'm awesome, but I'm still only one person. That means that while I'm writing this work isn't getting done. Oh well.
2. I'm frustrated that I don't have more time to blog. But.....see #1  I'm working on it. I'm really trying to reorganize my life. Get it back in order. Contain the chaos.
3. Speaking of chaos- Am I the only one out there that feels like life spins around you and you're constantly trying to keep up? Sigh....... I've spent time dong some organizing. I'm trying to get things in order. My house and office are not terrible by any means, but where does all this crap come from? I really just wish sometimes I could dump it all. I'm so into the idea of minimizing right now. I'm on a mission. It may be a slow one because it is obviously not my #1 or even #2 mission, but yet, it is a mission. 
4. I'm totally freaked that school starts in 32 days. Sigh...See #3. Chaos only gets worse when school starts. Those of you with kids know what I mean. Of course those that stay home might be happy to get the kids back to school. Don't get me wrong there are many nice things about a regular schedule. Lord knows the constant bickering is less when school is in session. If for no other reason but their tired. It's so freaking hot here the kids can't just go hang outside. But, school means a whole HOST of other things to keep track of. And now that son is starting high school......oh boy.....panic sets in.
5. Speaking of missions....My workouts are getting back on track. I've been back at my twice daily ones. I find that morning workouts help set the tone for my day. It gets my mind right. Focused on my health. I don't want to screw up when I've made a good effort early in the morning. I'm going to resume training with my trainer next week. Why not this week? See #1. I want to start training with him again if for no other reason but accountability.  Monday I did an old Biggest Loser DVD and it was fun. I used weights and then woke up Tuesday with a sore back. That's ok, just keep moving, right? I'm better today. I'm trying to stretch every day and get some of my flexibility back. 
6. Speaking of flexibility......Tuesday I had this bad migraine. I took some medicine in the afternoon which helped. I ran late at the office at noon so I missed my TKD class and even though I had so much work I said"forget it" and decided to get to the evening class no matter what. Anyhoo....at class I had such a hard time doing the turning kicks I was so dizzy. I hate that! Being out of practice doesn't help either. I almost hate going on vacation just because I miss tkd! I made it through class fine though and my kicks are finally getting back on track.
7. Speaking of training. Remember when I said I was going to start P90X. Well, I am. Not next week because I've got my BFF and her kids and cousin and various family coming to visit. Plus my daughter's bday. I'll keep working out as usual, but I don't want to take on something so new. I'm looking forward to it. I'm going to do the pre-test and pics this weekend. Making it real. I'm kinda nervous, but I figure why the hell not. No one thought a fat chick could do tae kwon do either and I'm doing it. I figure I'll do what I can, I can always do less reps and build up to more, less weight and ad more as I can. I just think it will be awesome to say I did it.
8. On Friday I took this picture

This is my lunch. I took the girls to the mall. I got these veggies and they were yummy. The girls cracked me up because they said, "Mommy why do you always take pictures of your food?" I laughed and told them it helps me remember what I ate, but also I can share it on my blog. They just shrugged their shoulders and looked at each other like, "Mom's so weird." and went on with lunch. Kids are funny.

9.  I still haven't had time to write a post about our Griswold Style Vacation. I think I will give up and just write in spurts. The overview is that we drove 6,000miles for 2 weeks in a van with 3 kids. It was busy, we saw lots of stuff and had a great time. One of the first stops was Painted Desert and Petrified Forest National Parks in Arizona. We did a few hikes and ranger talks. the kids were fascinated.

Painted Desert(not the best pic, but oh well)

Prehistoric tree. Pretty cool really.

Next stop was Grand Canyon.

Hate this pic of my muffin, but reality checks are important. I hate to even post it, but hey- check the view though.

If you haven't seen the Canyon, you must! It is amazing and pictures don't capture it.  We saw much more and I'll share more in my next post. 

I wrote some of this post on the bike this morning so I'm multitasking to the max.  The rest I have finished while eating my salad for lunch. Hope you are all on track and working toward your goals. I'm keeping mine in sight.

I missed you!

Wow. It's been forever since I had a chance to post and most of that is due to my great Griswold style vacation we went on. I have every intention of a nice post about that at some point, but the business of this blog is weight loss so that's what I'll stick to for now.

I gained 6 pounds on vacation, I've already lost 4 of those. Not really how I wanted it to go. I should have done better.  I probably would have lost the other 2 pounds, but I had wine and one martini over the weekend for my husband's birthday celebration. Last week was a BLUR of catching up at work and home. I didn't work out much last week which was extremely frustrating for me. But, I also had a bladder infection so I didn't feel great anyway.

This week I'm kicking butt. I've been back to TKD. It was hard and my hips are sore today, but that's ok. I was proud of myself that I did the 150 situps without much effort and the 25 push ups no problems. Only thing was some stiffness in my hips getting my roundhouse kicks high enough and hips extended all the way. That's just flexibility and with stretching should come right back. I worked out this morning and did some extra stretching and it feels better.

Yesterday,  I had protein shake from breakfast and coffee.  At lunch I had a green salad and cup of tortilla soup (brothy not creamy no chips, no cheese). For snack yesterday I had a babybel gouda which I love in the morning and for afternoon I had string cheese and an apple. I had a board meeting last night so I ate dinner there. We had chicken salad wraps. I had half but only ate the filling, broccoli salad, tomatoes and a slice of melon and blueberries. There were chocolate covered cake pops and cookies, but I didn't touch those.

This morning, same breakfast as yesterday. I plan TKD at lunch assuming all goes well. I didn't get my bike time this morning because the board meeting ran until 10:30pm and I had to get work done this morning. I'll make it up this evening with swimming some laps or possibly walking with the girls on their bikes.

It feels good to be back. So far this week I'm down another pound. I'm going to try and post about my long, long road trip with 3 kiddos very soon. Back to business and no more back steps. Moving forward eating real food and moving a LOT. I can do this!

I charged and fired up my fitbit today so I'm back on that and I feel like I get a better picture of the calories I'm expending that way. Right now I'm a little over 7000steps.

Truth is....

Truth is.......I'm not doing great. I'm struggling with depression and I'm so overwhelmed and busy. Truth is....I'm not eating great and I'm puzzled as to why it seems so hard right now. Truth is.....I have a vacation coming up and I'm tempted to say, "oh I'll get back on track when I get back."  Truth is.....that kind of thinking is what got me where I am.  So truth is......I'm not waiting.

I'm frustrated that this seems so hard. I'm frustrated that I've gained back weight I'd lost. Weight I thought I'd never be able to lose and did anyway. Weight I thought was gone. I thought I'd figured this out and the mental crap keeps on and on AND when I thought I'd settled in to my new lifestyle I realized I got too comfortable. For me that's not good. I lost focus and determination. I got distracted and lost sight of my goal. Got focused on the numbers on the scale which only meant with the weight gain I felt like a failure. Again.

Sigh.......

Truth is I've said all this before and truth is I'm tired of it. It's embarrassing to struggle here on this blog for everyone to see. But truth is....this isn't about any of you or how you feel about me or what you think. It's not about how I look to you or how you judge me. This blog, this journey and this life is all about me. Sounds so selfish but it HAS to be. Truth is...if I don't fix me......if I don't get healthy....if I don't do what I know I must do....I'm the only one that pays. Well....me and my family.

I've got to find a way to get past my emotional hang ups. To find a way to separate food and feelings. It seems silly that as a doctor I can't figure this out. But......SLAP.....once again I'm reminded I'm only human.  Newsflash.....knowing HOW to do something and ACTUALLY doing it are two WAY different things. Hell...I know HOW to break a brick with my hand. It's been explained to me. I've been shown how, but I've never done it. Not yet. But I will. I will when I get my black belt and I know I can do it. Why can't I apply that same belief to my losing weight? Why do I doubt myself? And where did it come from?

Old habits.....bite me. I'm done with you. But it's not so simple as to say, "I'll change."  You then must do it and I am doing it. Maybe not as fast as I wish or as perfect as I wish, but I've changed so much.

Truth is....I've got this exercise thing worked out. Truth is....I work out hard and a lot. Truth is......I've never done that before. Not ever have I had a routine of exercise. But now it's part of me. Now I need it, crave it, must do it.

Truth is........I can do this.

So yes, I have a vacation coming up. It will be filled with hiking and swimming and walking and lots of fun stuff. The focus is not on food. We have healthy snacks ready to pack. We're taking a cooler and it will be filled with water and fruit and healthy things for the whole family. "Can we get some oreos/cheetos/candy/chips/cookies/cupcakes, Mom?" NO! No we cannot. None of us need that shit. It's not part of our life now.  We eat real food now. Will there be treats on the trip? YES. Of course. But for me part of the treat is learning how to travel without eating crap.

Truth is...I need this vacation. I need time with my family and time alone. Time to see beautiful places and wonder and know that we are not alone here. To be thankful and happy and let go of sad things and irritations and the little things that are always weighing me down. So I'll let them go and be happy to do so. And I can come home and renew my focus on where I want to be and what I want to do.

I won't be blogging while I'm gone. At least I don't plan to. You never know what I'll do if I get a thought and want to get it down. But, know that I'll be back in a couple of weeks and I'll be reading and checking in on all of you when I can. And when I get back.......GAME ON. Renewed focus and......

P90X is waiting for me........

Truth is..........I'm excited.........

What's your truth?

What can BROWN do for me? And some pics!!

I survived the weekend AND my brown belt test. It was a very busy weekend with kids stuff and my test, but I made it through. Sunday I collapsed. I was sore. I was bruised. I was achy. I was pretty much not doing anything.  But today I'm much better.

The test lasted 5 hours. We were one the floor most of the time, but there was one black belt testing so there was some downtime while he did his more advanced stuff. I did pretty good on my stuff. I nailed everything but one of my forms which I screwed up a little. I broke both of my boards. One with my hand. I've never done that before and I was nervous about it. I ended up breaking that one on the first try and the other took 2 tries. Who knew?

This week has been busy. My son has had band camp. That resulted in the great mouth piece crisis of 2012 when he forgot his mouth piece in his locker at school.  We tried to get a new one and needed it the next day, but music store didn't have it.  Called private teacher and he recommended a kind to get, they didn't have that either. Luckily I had the middle school teacher's number, she told us his locker had been dumped. She met us at the school and per chance, hey saved the mouth piece and he was RESCUED. Saved his forgetful, non-planning teenager brain ONCE AGAIN.

Food and exercise is going well this week. I remain irritated with the scale. I think my thyroid is jacked again. On Monday I had a second rest day. I was still bruised and sore from my test. Tuesday I felt great. I went to the class at noon. I finished work in time to go to the evening class and decided to work out instead of just watch my daughter. So 2 classes on Tuesday. Wednesday was a long meeting day and so I rode the bike in the morning and did a little plank and push ups. Today I was supposed to do class at noon, but ran late in clinic. I thought we had class at 6:30, but the summer schedule has changed and I am ALL jacked up so apparently there is no brown belt class at 6:30pm. So I missed my workout and now I'm pissed. Tomorrow is the golf tournament and although I'm not playing, I'm volunteering most of the day so I won't have an opportunity and there are no classes. I'll be getting up to workout in the morning. I'm bummed I won't have TKD until Tuesday now. I'll just have to practice this weekend.

We have a lot to do in preparation for our vacation. My office is swamped which is weird for this time of year, but OK. Allergies are awful and it's been raining for the last 24 hours or so with intermittent storms so I'm sure there will be more of that. Good for business.

Today I'm wearing a shirt I bought last summer for our pics for the office. It was a bit tight in the bust and hips, but now fits fine, but I WEIGH more. I swear I don't understand my body sometimes. Also the arms are looser. I swear last time I measured I wasn't that much different. I don't get it. I'll measure again soon. It's really convincing me that I need a new scale, maybe one of those zero scales that just show the change not your weight.  I'm still tracking my food and all that. I'll admit I've not had enough water yet today. I'll work on that in a few minutes on the drive home.

Anyway, that's all that's up with me. I'll include some pics from my belt test. I hope you all are staying focused. Sometimes in the summer with trips and camps and kids at home we let our diets get loosey goosey. Don't do it. Enjoy the fresh veggies and fruit. Find your farmer's market. Eat real food. Make sure your kids know what veggies and fruit look like before cooking or preparing and WITHOUT cheese sauce.

Recently we tried a golden honey dew melon and OH MY it was sooooo good. I can't wait to get more. So sweet and fresh. I love melon so very much. All kinds. Regular honey dew is my least favorite so I was pleasantly surprised that I loved this new yellow one. I'm always looking for new fruits and veggies. What about you. Try anything new lately?

Broke it, knife hand. First try!

The boards I broke

What can brown do for me? Get me another belt closer to black. Two more then black!

Sweaty, tired and successful!

Funky clouds I saw the other day when driving home. I did STOP to take the pic.

Hey....I don't look TOO fat in this picture. Cool.

This week has been an endless blur of school events. The last one was today. My son's 8th grade graduation. Gulp. I just can't believe he'll be in high school next year. How did that happen? Today I've been running around and attending the school stuff so no exercise yet. I have a TKD class tonight at 6:30pm. I hate going to the late class. Mainly because I'm so tired by then, but we do what we must, no?  We took the kiddo for lunch after his ceremony. He chose Chili's. I have to say it's not my favorite place because there are not too many good choices. I had the salmon grilled dry and double broccoli instead of rice. It was tasty and very filling. For breakfast I had a protein shake. I've done a good job getting in my water so I should be hydrated before class tonight. Tomorrow I'm off work. Still entertaining the in-laws. I'll be cooking dinner. They want lasagna which I'll do for them and big huge salad for me. I have another TKD class tomorrow and the the test on Saturday.

I haven't posted pics in a long time. Mainly due to my frustration with the recent weight gain. I'm down 2 pounds this week. If I can keep the trend going, I'll be proud. I'm trying not to focus on the scale as it frustrates me and that can lead to mistakes. Instead I'm trying to focus on my fitness level which my friends is amazing compared to 2 years ago. When I look back on where I was it's amazing. I am in WAY better shape that I look. Cover, book....all that. I'm a work in progress. Today I'm posting a couple of pics. The one on the left is from today. I don't like how this dress photographs. It looks better in person, but what caught my eye was my legs which look much more slender than before. I have defined ankles here. The other is from yesterday at my daughter's 2nd grade ceremony. I was crouched down for a pic with her thinking my Father-in-law would zoom in on our faces. Instead he got my whole body. My arm looks big due to the angle, but check out my thigh and belly.   My immediate thought was, "Hey....I don't look horribly fat there." 

Which is a HUGE improvement considering my first thought about every picture of me used to be, "I'm so very fat."  And especially in that position. PLUS I'm crouched down all the way and I couldn't even squat like that 2 years ago let alone stay there that way for a good 5 min while little miss goofy face got her smile going. Seeing that pic made me feel proud for the first time in a while. I needed that. I really have felt like I've taken such a step backward and not to deny that I've gained because I have, but compared to where I was, I'm still on the right track. I haven't given up and I won't. I've got to remember how far I've come and give myself credit. Doing that helps me believe I can keep going. I CAN do this. I can lose weight and I WILL make this a life long health change.

MIA? No just IA!

Sorry for the no posting. I am so freaking busy and overwhelmed lately. I'm sure you are tired of hearing that from me. I am totally surprised that it's been 13 days since I last posted. Sigh...I will try and recap and update you on what's been up.

Since last I wrote I've had an emotional time with my cousin's birthday and the first year since he died. I'm still struggling with his death and I feel so silly even typing that a year later, but it's just plain true. His birthday would have been the 18th and that weekend was rough. He would of been 41. I had a binge. I know it didn't help anything that we had a block party that night. There was a lot of food and temptation. I did all the right things-planned ahead, took something healthy, had a healthy snack before I went.  When I got there I felt like I was pretending to be happy, I felt guilty for being happy and then I made the mistake of having a margarita. There's nothing wrong with an occasional drink. I do it now and then, but bad timing for me with my guard down and already vulnerable and before I knew it I had 2 drinks and 3 cookies. This led to guilt the morning after and more sadness which led to more bad choices. I know what went wrong. I've worked through a lot of the issues.  I'm learning and it was the first binge in a long time. I'm moving forward.

Last week was busy, but better. I've been working out a lot as I move toward my brown belt test which is Saturday. Yikes! Last week I worked out every day, except Sunday when I rested. I've been eating well considering I have my in-laws visiting and I've been cooking for them and entertaining. They'll be here through this weekend. The holiday weekend was great. I cooked 10 pounds of beans or the annual boy scout BBQ. That's a LOT of beans. We fed about 1000 people. It was HOT. After we went home and hit the pool. Overall I'm happy with the way I've done on my diet. With all the distractions, I've done well.

Yesterday I went to 2 TKD classes. I burned over 1500 calories in exercise. I was STARVED last night at dinner. I had a huge salad, a small steak and veggies. I had watermelon for dessert. All week we have end of year activities with the kids. Yesterday was my baby's kindergarten graduation. Today was my 2nd grader and tomorrow is my 8th grader's graduation. Sniff sniff. Mommy's so proud and sad but I'm too busy to think a whole lot about it.

Saturday is my brown belt test. It will likely last about 4-5hours. I'll be on the move for most of that time. I really feel ready. I know the material. I'm just a little worried about my left knee that I tweaked while gardening. Oh yeah.....the garden is coming in and we have some great tomatoes and cucumbers coming up. So anyway, I figure I just have to demonstrate the material. I know the sparring will be hard and suck and I'll likely get beat up, but I'm ok with it. I don't have to win a match, just survive it. I also have to break a board with my hand this time and one with a kick. Should be fun.

Speaking of fun, I ordered the P90X. I'm looking forward to starting it, but I'm going to wait until after my vacation so I don't have to interrupt the program. Until then, I'm training for TKD, seeing my trainer and the usual workouts. I'm up to 30 push ups which I think is fabulous considering I couldn't do 5 when I started. Yesterday we did 150 crunches in the first class and 90 in the other. I did 30 push ups in the first class and 15 in the other. My arms were burning. This morning I was only a little stiff in the hamstring and I stretched it out. I feel better. I didn't get my workout at lunch because of work and it pissed me off. Tonight I'll practice TKD and stretch at least. Tomorrow I'll do at least one class and 2 if I can. I'm actually in pretty good shape for a fat chick.

This weekend we tried something new on the grill- pineapple. I just cut off the skin, rubbed a little cinnamon and brown sugar and slapped it on there. OMG what an AWESOME dessert. It was sooo good and the kids LOVED it.

We have a leak in our roof, but we're not sure where. The last 2 nights we've had storms and we have had water coming in around our ceiling fan in the bedroom. We can't figure out how the water is getting in. It's annoying and I haven't slept very well the last several nights.

Oh yeah. Did I mention my in-laws are here? So I'm tired and I'm rambling and that's about it for now. I really want to get back to more regular posts. I feel like I'm the hamster on the wheel and the wheel just goes faster and faster!

I've been reading and catching up on all your blogs today. Stay the course and move my friends. I'll let you know how the rest of the week and the test goes. I'm so nervous!

I'm Freaking out, man!

So far this week is going very well. No illness (knock knock) so far this week, thank the Lord.  I'm doing pretty well mood wise even though I've had my cousin on my mind all week with his birthday coming up tomorrow. He would have been 41. It seems just way too young to die.  I've spent some time talking to my Aunt online and it's hard, but getting easier.

My diet has been great this week. I'm eating well. I'm so glad it's watermelon season again!  I bought another one at Sam's yesterday. My family can eat a giant one every few days. My youngest can eat her WEIGHT in watermelon. And I will not complain as it's so healthy.  Tuesday we had ground turkey tacos and they were so tasty with the fresh avocado I picked up at Costco over the weekend.  Last night we had an event at a burger joint-Mooyah Burger.   I'd never been there before. We just don't eat out much anymore but they were donating a portion of the proceeds to our TKD charity. I had planned on a burger with no bun, but was pleasantly surprised to see they had turkey burgers. Instead of a bun you can get it wrapped in iceberg lettuce.  It was really good. I ate it with a fork so it was like a burger salad, complete with tomatoes onion and pickles with mustard for dressing. After that we went to Cherry Berry for frozen yogurt. I had a kid sized sugar free/fat free strawberry yogurt with berries. I love frozen yogurt and it was a real treat.

Exercise is going great so far. I was SO sore yesterday. Monday I trained with my trainer and he had me doing a ton of squats and other leg stuff. At the time I thought, "Wow, what a great workout. I worked hard, but I feel great, not overly beat." Yeah..... TKD class Tuesday was a beating. The instructor says, "OK today we're going speed things up and hit it hard." Yep and we did. We did kicking drills that had him breathing heavy and he NEVER gets like that. That workout on my already sore legs was pretty hard and a couple of times I just could not get my kicks high enough due to the soreness.   But after I was so proud of myself for hanging with all the really in shape people and keeping up with them just fine. Not every kick was perfect, but I did them all, so there!

Yesterday I knew I'd have to work out in the morning since I had a meeting at lunch. I decided I just wasn't in the mood for the bike, so I pulled out one of my old Biggest Loser DVDs and did that instead. It was a nice change of pace and I enjoyed it. It was a major NSV when I realized it is WAY easier than I remember it being, but it was still a good workout and I was sweaty and happy afterward. This morning I decided I'd do the body sculpting part with weights. That was nice and a pretty good ab workout, although I'll admit it's WAY easier for me now.  I'm convinced I can do P90X so I'm going to go ahead and get it. I really want to try and and I've been thinking about it a long time.

Today, I have TKD at noon and I'm dreading it a bit because my legs and shoulders are a little sore still, but I'm ready AND MAJOR FREAKOUT MOMENT OF THE WEEK= 16 days until my brown belt test. ACK!  I know the material. Now it's just a matter of perfecting it. AND getting myself ready for the ordeal of the test. Our tests are about 4-5 hours long and it's spent exercising pretty much the whole time between kicking drills, kicks on the bags and paddles, breaking holds, one-step sparring, forms, Staff one steps, staff forms, BOARD breaking(I get to do 2 boards this time-one with my hand, then other a kick!), and THEN sparring. We have 2-3 1 minute sparring matches to complete. I told my friend that it's OK, we'll be fine but I still get nervous.  We're not expected to win the matches, just survive. Ha ha. And survive is the truth as we have to do 2 matches of belts higher than us (usually a black belt now) and then 1 of a belt under us. A lot of times that means I end up in matches with teenagers who are....well.....faster, fitter, jump higher. BUT they do not kick HARDER, so there. Anyway......I just want to survive the ordeal and I'm trying not to freak out too much.

Other than that, my week is good and I'm staying on track. Lot's of busy things for the weekend coming up. The closer the end of school, the faster things go.  Anyhoo--- how's your week? Any NSVs to share for this week?  Anything got you freaking out lately?

You'll Always Be Fat.........and other BS

Sorry for the missing persons act. Last week really sucked. I had a really bad sinus infection and THEN I got a stomach bug on top of that. Wednesday and Thursday I went home at lunch each day to nap and dove into bed at night. On Friday I was off, but I had some things that had to be done with the kids. After that I went home and crashed again. I felt somewhat better on Friday and I was able to eat some chicken soup. That evening we had to drive to Oklahoma. Saturday was the Ostrich Egg breakfast at the OKC Zoo. It's a really fun event where you go have omelets and other breakfast foods and then spend the day at the zoo. I had actually won tickets in the raffle drawing last year for this year's breakfast plus t-shirts so we really needed and wanted to go. Plus I really needed to check in with the family.

Needless to say the drive was less than pleasurable for me and my lingering nausea. That on top of my normal car sickness and I was absolutely miserable. Once we arrived and I was no longer moving, I felt better. Plus I had some sprite and crackers. I slept pretty well and by the next morning I was a lot better. I was able to eat an omelet and even a little coffee and juice and I went the whole day at the zoo without throwing up! Yippee! The day at the zoo was fabulous. It was overcast and cool with a nice breeze so we walked the whole place this time and the kids had a ball. There is a little baby elephant, a baby giraffe and lots of other babies.  Nothing better than baby animals. Even the little wild piglets were cute. By Saturday evening I felt nearly normal.

On Sunday we got up early and went out for breakfast.  Then we drove home. This drive was MUCH more pleasant. That evening my husband grilled some chicken breasts and corn on the grill. My mom came over and we had a nice dinner for Mother's Day. I even got to finish the day with a nice long bath.

Needless to say I didn't workout much last week nor did I spend much time thinking about food or tracking. Today I was so happy to be feeling better I didn't even mind that it was Monday.  I ate well and met with my trainer at lunch. This evening was kids and homework and dinner and baths and all the usual.

I am just absolutely determined to get myself back on the track to lose more weight. I've got to get back to the weight I was. It is very frustrating for me to have gained weight. It's brought back a lot of those old worries and feelings. That negative self talk is so imbedded in my brain.

"You'll always be fat."
                                      "Why do you bother?"
                                                                             "You'll never lose all that weight"
                                                                                                                               "What's the point?"

I had made a lot of progress to reprogram these voices. They'd almost disappeared or at least were easy to ignore. Lately, not so much.  Sometimes these appear in the voice of my father. Theses were things he said to me often. After being on steroids so long and all the other emotional things I've been through over the last year and the resulting weight gain, my confidence has been down.  It makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to lose all this weight. That's a terrible way to think about this and it's that mentality that got me to 274 pounds.
Every single time I've tried to lose weight in the past these thoughts would kick in and I would give up. I would decide that I just needed to accept the fact that I would always be fat and be happy the way I was.

One day I woke up and decided no more. I decided that I was done with all that and that there was absolutely no reason why I couldn't get healthy and lose weight. I don't know what made it happen. I know I had a few patients actually do what I told them and started eating healthy and losing weight. One lady told me I'd saved her life.  And I thought, "Saved your life? What about my life? When will I be ready to save my life?" I decided right then.

Don't ask me why it is so hard to remember the urgency of the situation when I'm in the middle of a difficult or emotional situation.  I don't know why I have such emotional connections to food. I don't know why I fool myself into thinking I'll feel better after eating that cookie or cake or pizza or whatever. Because I never do. I still feel sad, angry, happy, or bored, but on top of it I'm full physically and sick to my stomach most of the time AND guilt ridden for eating all the crap. The guilt of course breeds more of that negative self-talk and round and round we go.

I'm not in denial anymore. I realize I'm fat and I'm not happy with the way I look or feel. I'm not where I want to be physically. The fact that I was 20 pounds lighter 6 months ago doesn't help because I know how much better I felt inside and out then. But on the glass half full side, I know I can lose weight. I have done it and more than a few pounds. A lot of pounds and I know HOW to do it again. I know I CAN lose weight and I know I still WANT to lose the weight.

More importantly, eating a healthy diet and working out are my new normal. Before my normal was doing nothing and eating crap. Sure there were weeks or even a month where I'd eat right, workout and lose weight. But it wasn't the norm. It was a diet. It was a temporary thing. It never lasted.

These days if I don't workout at least 3 times a week minimum I feel like crap. I crave to move. I actually have exercise goals. Things I wish I could do. Things I know I CAN do if I put in the work.  The idea of getting my black belt is not just a wish, it's a goal. It's a reality to me now and it's opened up so many other possibilities. Things like-running, swimming, biking, Zumba, P90X, rappelling, zip lines, climbing, hiking, and even surfing. Hell, most anything I see others doing as far as exercise goes sounds like something I'd like to try.  To me it's like a WHOLE other side of life I never knew existed. I had no idea the things I was missing. And these are things that I know now are not impossible. These are things I really would like to try. It frustrates me that don't have MORE time to dedicate to them because I truly believe I can do them.

And I've hung on to that feeling. It's part of me now. I feel awesome after a workout. Invincible. Bad ass. In shape. Absolutely not words I would have ever used to describe myself before. It's sustaining me through this slump in my weight loss and my exercise goals are absolutely what are keeping me on track and headed in the right direction.

I've still got a lot of work to do. Most of it the emotional  kind. This week would have been my cousins 41st birthday. It still seems so strange not to have him here and there are so many things about his death that are still horribly painful.  This week is the 2 month anniversary of my Uncle's death. My family is grieving and it is so hard to see his wife of 44 years deal with his loss. What I need to do is realize that my feelings of sadness are not ME and not a reflection of my worth. Just because I'm sad doesn't mean life is bad or that I need food to comfort me. Food is not comfort. It's just food. I'm working hard to find comfort in other things.

"You'll always be fat."

                                                     Bullshit.