Truth is.......I'm not doing great. I'm struggling with depression and I'm so overwhelmed and busy. Truth is....I'm not eating great and I'm puzzled as to why it seems so hard right now. Truth is.....I have a vacation coming up and I'm tempted to say, "oh I'll get back on track when I get back." Truth is.....that kind of thinking is what got me where I am. So truth is......I'm not waiting.
I'm frustrated that this seems so hard. I'm frustrated that I've gained back weight I'd lost. Weight I thought I'd never be able to lose and did anyway. Weight I thought was gone. I thought I'd figured this out and the mental crap keeps on and on AND when I thought I'd settled in to my new lifestyle I realized I got too comfortable. For me that's not good. I lost focus and determination. I got distracted and lost sight of my goal. Got focused on the numbers on the scale which only meant with the weight gain I felt like a failure. Again.
Truth is I've said all this before and truth is I'm tired of it. It's embarrassing to struggle here on this blog for everyone to see. But truth is....this isn't about any of you or how you feel about me or what you think. It's not about how I look to you or how you judge me. This blog, this journey and this life is all about me. Sounds so selfish but it HAS to be. Truth is...if I don't fix me......if I don't get healthy....if I don't do what I know I must do....I'm the only one that pays. Well....me and my family.
I've got to find a way to get past my emotional hang ups. To find a way to separate food and feelings. It seems silly that as a doctor I can't figure this out. But......SLAP.....once again I'm reminded I'm only human. Newsflash.....knowing HOW to do something and ACTUALLY doing it are two WAY different things. Hell...I know HOW to break a brick with my hand. It's been explained to me. I've been shown how, but I've never done it. Not yet. But I will. I will when I get my black belt and I know I can do it. Why can't I apply that same belief to my losing weight? Why do I doubt myself? And where did it come from?
Old habits.....bite me. I'm done with you. But it's not so simple as to say, "I'll change." You then must do it and I am doing it. Maybe not as fast as I wish or as perfect as I wish, but I've changed so much.
Truth is....I've got this exercise thing worked out. Truth is....I work out hard and a lot. Truth is......I've never done that before. Not ever have I had a routine of exercise. But now it's part of me. Now I need it, crave it, must do it.
Truth is........I can do this.
So yes, I have a vacation coming up. It will be filled with hiking and swimming and walking and lots of fun stuff. The focus is not on food. We have healthy snacks ready to pack. We're taking a cooler and it will be filled with water and fruit and healthy things for the whole family. "Can we get some oreos/cheetos/candy/chips/cookies/cupcakes, Mom?" NO! No we cannot. None of us need that shit. It's not part of our life now. We eat real food now. Will there be treats on the trip? YES. Of course. But for me part of the treat is learning how to travel without eating crap.
Truth is...I need this vacation. I need time with my family and time alone. Time to see beautiful places and wonder and know that we are not alone here. To be thankful and happy and let go of sad things and irritations and the little things that are always weighing me down. So I'll let them go and be happy to do so. And I can come home and renew my focus on where I want to be and what I want to do.
I won't be blogging while I'm gone. At least I don't plan to. You never know what I'll do if I get a thought and want to get it down. But, know that I'll be back in a couple of weeks and I'll be reading and checking in on all of you when I can. And when I get back.......GAME ON. Renewed focus and......
P90X is waiting for me........
Truth is..........I'm excited.........
What's your truth?