Disclaimer

This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Truth is....

Truth is.......I'm not doing great. I'm struggling with depression and I'm so overwhelmed and busy. Truth is....I'm not eating great and I'm puzzled as to why it seems so hard right now. Truth is.....I have a vacation coming up and I'm tempted to say, "oh I'll get back on track when I get back."  Truth is.....that kind of thinking is what got me where I am.  So truth is......I'm not waiting.

I'm frustrated that this seems so hard. I'm frustrated that I've gained back weight I'd lost. Weight I thought I'd never be able to lose and did anyway. Weight I thought was gone. I thought I'd figured this out and the mental crap keeps on and on AND when I thought I'd settled in to my new lifestyle I realized I got too comfortable. For me that's not good. I lost focus and determination. I got distracted and lost sight of my goal. Got focused on the numbers on the scale which only meant with the weight gain I felt like a failure. Again.

Sigh.......

Truth is I've said all this before and truth is I'm tired of it. It's embarrassing to struggle here on this blog for everyone to see. But truth is....this isn't about any of you or how you feel about me or what you think. It's not about how I look to you or how you judge me. This blog, this journey and this life is all about me. Sounds so selfish but it HAS to be. Truth is...if I don't fix me......if I don't get healthy....if I don't do what I know I must do....I'm the only one that pays. Well....me and my family.

I've got to find a way to get past my emotional hang ups. To find a way to separate food and feelings. It seems silly that as a doctor I can't figure this out. But......SLAP.....once again I'm reminded I'm only human.  Newsflash.....knowing HOW to do something and ACTUALLY doing it are two WAY different things. Hell...I know HOW to break a brick with my hand. It's been explained to me. I've been shown how, but I've never done it. Not yet. But I will. I will when I get my black belt and I know I can do it. Why can't I apply that same belief to my losing weight? Why do I doubt myself? And where did it come from?

Old habits.....bite me. I'm done with you. But it's not so simple as to say, "I'll change."  You then must do it and I am doing it. Maybe not as fast as I wish or as perfect as I wish, but I've changed so much.

Truth is....I've got this exercise thing worked out. Truth is....I work out hard and a lot. Truth is......I've never done that before. Not ever have I had a routine of exercise. But now it's part of me. Now I need it, crave it, must do it.

Truth is........I can do this.

So yes, I have a vacation coming up. It will be filled with hiking and swimming and walking and lots of fun stuff. The focus is not on food. We have healthy snacks ready to pack. We're taking a cooler and it will be filled with water and fruit and healthy things for the whole family. "Can we get some oreos/cheetos/candy/chips/cookies/cupcakes, Mom?" NO! No we cannot. None of us need that shit. It's not part of our life now.  We eat real food now. Will there be treats on the trip? YES. Of course. But for me part of the treat is learning how to travel without eating crap.

Truth is...I need this vacation. I need time with my family and time alone. Time to see beautiful places and wonder and know that we are not alone here. To be thankful and happy and let go of sad things and irritations and the little things that are always weighing me down. So I'll let them go and be happy to do so. And I can come home and renew my focus on where I want to be and what I want to do.

I won't be blogging while I'm gone. At least I don't plan to. You never know what I'll do if I get a thought and want to get it down. But, know that I'll be back in a couple of weeks and I'll be reading and checking in on all of you when I can. And when I get back.......GAME ON. Renewed focus and......

P90X is waiting for me........

Truth is..........I'm excited.........

What's your truth?

13 comments:

  1. Dr. FattoFit,
    "It seems silly that as a doctor I can't figure this out. But......SLAP.....once again I'm reminded I'm only human. Newsflash.....knowing HOW to do something and ACTUALLY doing it are two WAY different things."

    YES. I totally agree, knowing how to and actually doing are worlds apart :)

    Habits are habits and are difficult to break. The longer I stay on the "get fit" journey, the more I realize that you can't fix emotional/bad habits/lack of planning while you're trying to keep up with work/learning/training all at once simply by losing weight.

    I've lost/gained weight repeatedly and obviously I have yet to work through whatever issues are holding me back from staying fit.

    Enjoy your vacation! And then make P90X your biatch :)

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  2. I'm a recidivist too! Lost to within 3 pounds of my goal then succumbed to stress and family situations and regained to within 3 pounds of my all time high. I never quit going to WW, though it was darned embarrassing to have a year's worth of gains. I'm not giving up either. I've lost more than half of my gain and I AM going to succeed. So are you. I like your cooler stocked with yummy things/notjunkfood--kids can actually be very happy with chilled grapes and sweet cruncy carrots and almonds. Keep your many successes in the front of your mind and keep going forward. Have a great vacay! We'll miss you.

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  3. Thanks for posting. I was worried about you and missed your posts.

    Many years of habits and living in a toxic food environment (plus living with one's neurochemistry - ya know that I know) all make for a long haul and lots of work.

    Just let me remind you that you have the skills and support to do whatever you want. Your past success shows you can move forward. I believe in you.

    Now let me tell you a tale of 2 vacations - Christmas sucked because I was depressed. Last week was easy. We prepared, my brain was much better, and though it was tempting to eat "vacation style" - I chose to eat healthy style. Wow, do I feel better mentally and physically. If I can do it, so can you. (Not so subtle attempts to build your self-efficacy for eating healthy.) Have fun and wave to me as you go through our desert!

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  4. It really is a lifelong change, and not everything sticks the first time around. I think you are amazing with all the exercise you do...your workouts are intense. The food changes will keep coming. And what you said, about none of you needing that junk food? AMEN, sistah. I so wish I'd taken that stance with my family (hello, and myself!) back when my kids were young. Way to get your kids on the right path, Ann! :)

    P.S. A brick, for real??? Damn.

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  5. So many of my favorite weight loss bloggers are struggling right now! Including me! I'm at my lowest weight in 15 years, but emotional stuff comes along and I'm 4 pounds up and I still can't identify the feelings that are making me chow down. I'm thinking out loud here... I know it's emotional. I know the techniques. But part of why I got so fat is that even knowing what to do, I didn't do it. Why? What can I do to make THIS time different from the other times? For me it's therapy and meditation, and exercise. The key, which is where I struggle, is taking the meds, so to speak...
    http://toujourschangeant.blogspot.com/

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  6. The truth is you can do this. The truth is I know you will. The truth is it is hard. The truth is I know you will. I don;t know what it will take for it to finally click for you, but I know it will. You have made some excellent changes in exercise for one.

    It took me till I was 56 to really get how important it is to take care of yourself and get healthy. I have now been at this for two years. I have created many new habits. Most of the time food is just that food. But there are times when I cave, too.

    You can do this and you will. Enjoy a well deserved vacation. Soak up in your family and a beautiful place on this beautiful Earth.

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  7. Truth is - I struggle too. Truth is - I think I always will. Sad, but true. Sorry things are so hard for you right now.

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  8. Yeah... with this NY move and stuff, I've been struggling too. I've been off my regular work out regimen for about 4 weeks now and it's getting ridiculous. Gotta reign everything back in. It feels like starting over (which isn't a bad thing)... this reignition... like, I've got to study everything again, I've got to re-discover everything that got me going the first time.

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  9. Truth is, I've been in a very similar situation very recently. I finally realized that if I don't get professional help with the mental stuff, I won't be able to do it myself. Truth is, if I don't get a grip, I'm going to eventually have mobility issues and continue to enlarge my body instead of my life. Truth is, I'm the only one that can do it - but that doesn't mean I can do it alone. Or that I have to, either. Truth is, I intend to be healthy no matter what it takes.

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  10. Thanks for updating me lots of new things here.
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  11. Truth is, it's difficult for most of us. We sometimes get tired of it but truth is being overweigh is difficult too. I'd rather be at my happy weight as difficult as it is than to be wishing I was at my happy weight.

    You can do this Ann, don't give up, we sometimes slip but that's okay. Get back up and keep on going.

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  12. I couldn't agree more with you - I started my blog back in September 2008 at 168 pounds thinking if I was "out there" and accountable, that would help me get these 30 pounds off.

    Well in nearly 4 years I've walked and run miles, biked, Tae Boe, yoga, boot camped myself to . . .165 pounds. But I also enjoyed delicious bread, cheese and wine - so all in all, life is good.

    I hope you have a wonderful vacation!!

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  13. Truth is, me too!
    I'm wishing you well in your recommitment to wellness!!
    -Patrick
    http://responsibility199.wordpress.com

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