This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Confession Time and S.A.D.

I had a great birthday yesterday. I enjoyed myself a lot. I had a massage. I saw a movie. I went shopping. And....I ate. A lot. A LOT. So here's where the confession thing comes in.

Sunday when I weighed in for the challenge I weighed 204, which was up 1 pound from the prev Sunday and 2 pounds from Dec 23rd. Monday when I weighed I was 207. I'm guessing that was weight from New Year weekend that took a day or two to show. Sunday I was thinking that I got off easy. I knew I'd eaten a lot more than I should have. I hadn't tracked my calories for 3 days. I am embarassaed and ashamed to admit it. Sometimes I feel like I need to be perfect and if I'm not...... I'm a failure. It's my hang up. I'm working on it.

Anyway....all week I've been spot on calorie wise and with exercise. And the scale was showing no loss. I had an irrational moment yesterday and got mad. I had a tantrum of sorts. That combined with it being my bday and I went totally off the deep end. This morning I weighed 208. TWO-OH-EIGHT and I am freaking out and depressed and ashamed and I cannot believe I even typed that number. I was 202 on Dec 23rd. Only 3 pounds from 199, my next goal WHICH I've been waiting on what seems like forever.  And now I'm nearly 10 pounds from it again.

I am really bummed. I realized that I didn't do nearly as well over the holiday as I thought. I made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas, but New Year I blew it. BLEW IT. I am so mad at myself and embarassed. I imagined what Allan was going to say and what all of you would think when you saw my gain. THEN I realized I'm one of THOSE people I hate reading about and then I REALLY felt like a failure. I didnt' post yesterday. I wasn't going to this morning. And then....

I said fuck it.

I honestly haven't let anyone down except myself. I don't really care what Allan or anyone else thinks. I've made a mistake and I'm going to learn from it. THIS TIME. I don't know how I gained that much weight, but I did. Of course I haven't pooped in like 3 days. (I just can't eat cheese, even low fat cheese.) And  although I don't want to be coddled, I know I've screwed up and deserve some amount of ....I don't know....punishment?  I just have this thing about people thinking badly of me. Anyone else feel like that?  Insecure?  Worried? And it pisses me off because I really thought I was getting over that shit, especially here with you guys.

I have to remind myself..... I have still done SOME things right. I am not going to let this spiral into another nose dive. I say ANOTHER because it happens every year. EVERY. FREAKING. YEAR.

Every year I have a bought of SAD-seasonal affective disorder. Which is really just seasonal depression. I slip into it every year. Every year I say it's different and I'm not going there. It usually starts with my getting upset by the 10-20-30 pounds I've gained since October and  every year I become withdrawn, fatigued, grumpy,and a hermit. I stop socializing. I stop going to the gym. I spend my lunch break at home in bed in the dark watching TV and eating.  I go to bed early. I withdraw from my family.

I'm done with that shit. DONE. I am NOT repeating that pattern. Why do you think it was March before I got it last year? It was after Spring break before I snapped out of it. And I'm not going 2 months like this again. My God. In 2 months it could be 20 pounds back on and I WILL NOT do it. No way.

So I'm going ot suck it up. I admit I messed up. I admit it. But I'm done with it. I have to move on. I will not wallow. I'm still in the challenge, gain or no gain. Allan is always saying this isn't a contest. It's not. It's a BATTLE. A battle with myself. A battle to conquer all this old shit and STOP IT.  So, here's what I've done right.

Let me be clear. This is for ME, not you. I'm not trying to make excuses or convince you. I'm reminding myself that I'm not a failure. As silly as it seems, it's what I need to do for me right now.

Yes I went on a bender over New Year. But, it was 3 days. I realized it and I got right back to business on Monday. No the weight didn't drop right off this week. Yes I'm going to show a gain on Sunday for the weigh in. BUT, the fact that I am fessing up and being honest is important. It's important that I keep myself accountable. It doesn't matter what I tell all of you, I still see the numbers on the scale. Not being honest about those numbers doesn't change them and makes me feel guilty. I was falling into that pattern where I lie to MYSELF and FOOL myself. Which is FAR worse than fibbing to you all.  I honestly thought on Monday that maybe I'd be back down to 204 by Sunday and then at least I wouldn't show a gain in the challenge. HA! Wake up woman!

AND...I did track my calories all week. I even forced myself to figure them for yesterday. I ate 3,000. Holy shit! I'm back to normal today. I'm tracking. And I'm drinking water. I'm getting all my fluids in, even yesterday.

I've exercised everyday this week. Even yesterday. I got up early and did 7 miles on the bike and stretches. I was going to run, but my legs were so sore from the kicking on Tuesday. So, I biked. Today, I'm going home to do C25K as I had planned at lunch. Even though my tendency is to go home and hide. Watch TV and eat. I'm going to do what I'd planned. I have to prove to myself that I can do this.

And so, maybe those of you reading this know how I feel. Maybe you've been there. Maybe you're there right now. OR...maybe you are just a little glad to see someone else fail. Maybe you are feeling judgmental because you've never screwed up like this. OR maybe you have and never had the balls to admit it on your blog. Maybe you are a person who doesn't have a blog and just enjoy seeing what others do. Maybe you aren't ready to open up about your own struggles.

No matter how you feel or what you think, I have to realize it's how I feel and what I think about myself that matters most. I started all this for myself. I have to stay in it for myself and wherever I end up- it will be for myself. I'm not perfect. I don't have to be. I never WILL be. When will I get that?

I have a terrible habit of comparing myself to others. When I don't lose weight as fast as others or run as far or fast or lift as much weight, I start to feel like I'll NEVER be able to do all that. Why? I don't know. I've already lost more weight than I ever had before, even with the gain this week. I've already done things I never thought I could do. I'm taking TKD for goodness sakes. I'm working out with a trainer. I'm exercising regularly. I'm still tracking my calories, nearly every day.  I even did a 5K.

So did I fail? Yes. Am I a FAILURE? No. Of course not. Now I will stop with the whining and bitching and move on.


  1. Man I feel ya. I hid from the blogging world because of a zone-out. I gained 12 lbs. In like a week and a half. I feel your pain. We'll get it right. Keep on keepin on.

  2. "I just have this thing about people thinking badly of me. Anyone else feel like that?" Yes.

    Been there, done that. Too many times. You may call this whining and bitching but I hear a lot of strength and resolve. Kudos to you for moving on!

  3. It's pretty common to get through a major holiday or event unscathed, only to go off the deep end on a Tuesday, say. It's like you were on guard for the "big event" but needed to decompress and that's when the eating happens. How do I know? Haha, how do you think?? We've all been there. It's progress, not perfection. The big winners in my book are the people who suck it up and move on, and you are doing just that. You won't have another winter of hibernating and gaining weight - you are a different person now. Hang in there - you are doing just fine.

  4. You are not alone in your feelings. I'm always worried about what others will think. I hate when I fail myself, but it weighs more heavily on my mind when I fail others. Or just feel like I failed others.

    Even the mightiest fall, you will pick it back up. Now dust off that heiny and get back to it woman!

  5. You are not a failure or need punishment. You screwed up. Whatever. We all do it and you are no different. You know and accept what happened and I have no doubt with your commitment you will lose next week.

  6. I have been there sooo many times! You are very brave for sharing those thoughts with the rest of us. It happened, it sucked, and now it's over. Good for you for moving on!

  7. First off, nice to have you back. Second, when did I become the bad guy. This my Doctor friend is for life. Now get back on plan, get to your goal, and suck it up !!

  8. Fuck It and Move On...words to live by.

    Happy Belated, by the way!

  9. I want to take this opportunity to thank you for being imperfect. That's just the way I love you. It makes me feel less alone.

  10. Life is tough and you know that. This journey toward better health is tough at times. You know that, too. Always keep in mind, that no matter what, you are a human being. A remarkable one at that, but not infallible, just like the rest of us. We are all just human beings. I am glad you ranted here. I am sure you feel better. Plus, we understand more about how you ended up blogging about how you ended in the physical shape you did (DID!!) and even more about this journey for you. You have given us a window into who you are personally and where you have been. Do you feel our arms wrapping around you?? Take good care, Doc. And go bust some ass with TKD!!!!

  11. You shouldn't have to hide because of a back-slide. You are right, this is about you, you and also about you. Damn the torpedos!! Full speed ahead. You will do it. It's an ongoing battle that you will win.

  12. @Chunky - FI(a)MO. That's my new motto.

    Doc, SADD sucks raw eggs, but thank heavens we live somewhere where Vitamin D in it's natural form is free and abundant in the wintertime. No blizzards for us! No freezing temps!

    You know what to do. Get outside in the sun for some of that amazing exercise you're doing. It helps me so much.

  13. OK Doc, I think you are doing the right thing by being honest, being accountable and getting back on track.

    You can show yourself love and forgiveness without falling into coddling.

    To have truly failed, you would have had to given up so good for you for persevering!

  14. Hey, getting back on the horse FAST is part of learning to succeed at this fat loss for life gig. That's what I believe. When I talked to my "always thin, never fat" friends, what I got was this from those not blessed with ultra-fast metabolisms: "If I see I gained 3 lbs, I immediately start attackign it before it's 5 pounds."

    They handle it right away, instead of lollygaggig and gaining 10 or 20 more (like I did for, well, 20 years, just go on a bender for months and years).

    So, you did the right thing. Admitted you effed up. Got back on Horsey, and attack the problem and get back on plan. That's what adults do.

    Immature people just bitch and eat. Mature people stop eating and get back to work. You get the Adult People Gold Star!

  15. Do I care what others might think of me? Yes and I hate it. It has kept me secluded for too much of my life. You are right that this is about you and for you. Being honest to yourself is what is most important. You're doing that.

    You're doing the right things, so the weight will come off again in no time.

  16. I am feeling it all with you. Thanks for coming out and reminding us you are not perfect, because most of the time you seem to be. Now that you've gotten it out, you will pick up that determination that you dropped along the way and get that holiday and birthday weight off, plus more. You're tough, but honest, and no, you're not perfect. That's why you inspire us.

  17. I have totally been there! Use this as a growing point and move forward. No one says this journey is easy and we just have to keep on trucking!

  18. You know what Thomas Edison said when told he failed so often while inventing the light bulb, "I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work"... so you had a day with a binge in it. Doesn't make you a failure, but you know now what a bad day looks like & what it will do to you.

    You should be excited if you want my flowery-positive opinion. You get to go on now and have a better day, and this next day here you'll be armed with all of your healthy experiences of the past many months. You've never been in a better position to not only get up and get going again, you a bound to rocket forward here.

    Go gett'em!

  19. You still rock! No matter what the "numbers" say.
    Always have, always will!

  20. SAD - got it too. Moving to AZ has helped tremendously, but I still use "SAD lights" on occasion.

    I remember during medical school when I would go home over holiday break and gain 10 pounds! The tendency to hibernate and soothe my depressed mood with food can be overwhelming at times. Last winter I thought that I had conquered it - this winter has been tough, but I'm pretty much back with evening behaviors to substitute for eating. Still a tough grind, though.

    Northern Light Technologies has some great options for lights. I use turn mine on first thing in the morning and blare some goodness into my brain when needed.

  21. Great post! As for SAD, I relate completely, as do several of my friends. One of us was discovered Vitamin D by Dr. Weil and shared it with the group. We've all started taking it and WOWZERS. What a new experience to go through this season without those blahs. Good luck to you.

  22. Ohhhhh, sounds soooo familiar! I'm with everyone else whose posted so far -- we're all going to have days (maybe even a week) like this, and we've got to learn how to pick ourselves up and move on after a bit of falling down. It's crappy how quickly the scale can leap up in numbers -- but I'll bet it'll drop right back down again as you settle into your regular routine. Thanks for your post about my friend, too.

  23. I have nothing original to add here. You are a cool lady and you are doing remarkably well. Life happens and you are still a cool lady even in you weight more than you did two weeks ago. You will get there because as Allan says, this is for life.
    P.S. Thanks for the Afrin advice, I'd hate to have steroids injected into my nose. I bought some saline spray and real sudafed (instead of pseudo-fake) today and am putting the Afrin away tonight. And yeah the flu thing was that bad, I cried. I didn't cry while giving birth two either of my children...

  24. Awesome post! I can so relate. I totally get the SAD, I've just never known there was a name for it. I thought it was just me!

    You're so right, fessing up and being honest is right. I just stopped blogging when I did bad, that didn't help. Keep it up! You KNOW the right way!

  25. New follower:)
    I hope you feel better. Kudos for being honest about your feelings
    one of my goals is to not be so hard on myself. Chin up, you will succeed and I looke forward to seeing you rise above :)

  26. The winter months are difficult for me, as well, and I have thought of getting one of those lights that are supposed to help. Maybe I will research it a bit. The holidays with all of the parties, gifts, dinners, etc. are harder on many of us than we care to admit. Your honesty has helped you tremendously. I also think that many of us (weight loss folks) are closet perfectionists. If we can't do something perfectly, we don't want to do it at all! That 's where I was for so many years--trying to be perfect, and of course not being able to. I have come to believe in the old cliche: Progress, not perfection!

  27. We've all been there, are there, or will be there. But your last sentence says it all - move on. Move forward. It's the only direction there is really. I KNOW you can do this - you're seriously fierce about this weight loss stuff. It's going to pay off.

  28. no big long reply from me. I will just say this. You are owning your actions. That is the first step to getting back to "that Doc". Nuff said.

  29. I don't think I've ever posted but I've followed you off and on since some of yor ealier posts..lost you for a while and then saw you again and boy, you had changed in your pictures.

    Anyway, it happens. You have the rotten timing of a birthday following the holidays as does my husband which just extends the foodstivities. 'Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again'

    I saw my pcp yesterday and had gained 7 pounds since my last appoint near my birthday 3 months ago. The reality is ..my birthday eating festivities lingered on, I started having my usual Autumn depression / pumpkim muffin obsessions , I binged due to stress over my health and my husbands job/ mental health, and then the holidays hit. In reality , I gained 8 more pounds and lost them all also. ok ..why did I say all that.....oh yes..

    this is the long haul, we are not perfect, Allan is a fantastic motivator and when you fail and start to slip you really feel bad about it ..because you know better and you know that you are disappointing yourself and you worry you disappoint your blog buddies and everyone else..It's just compounded. It will compound more as you keep at this. I've been in this lifechanging , weight losing dedicated process since the last 4 years...years of off and on diets before that..just 4 years of really committing.
    You are still new at practising all this stuff. How many years did you eat and live the old way versus your new and healthier way? It takes time to cement in these newer habits / choices.
    ok this was to make you feel better. hope it did.

    I'm an RN by the way and I bet your patients are so lucky to have you as their doc.

  30. I swear I could have written that WORD FOR WORD. I think we were separated at birth. Yet, when YOU write it, I want to tell you to not beat yourself up, I have a lot of gentleness for you. When I write it, I am harsh and punitive. Geez, we both need to get a grip.
    Hang in there, you are way healthier than you realize.

  31. You WILL rebound. We're with you. Go get 'em, Doc. (P.S. You are welcome on the Eagles bandwagon at any time)

  32. I am new to your blog, I hope you don't mind if I follow along. :)

    Am I happy because you screwed up? Not bloody likely. Judgmental because you had a rough time of it? Not so much. I have been there, done that and have a closet full of T-Shirts to prove it. :P

    The important thing is that you see where you have fallen off track and you are pulling yourself back on course, dusting yourself off and moving forward.

    We all, anyone who chooses to fight this war looses a battle, now and then. The ones who win, see the problem, act, correct themselves and fight on.

    Cheese. So gooooood going down. So evil when it gets there. Urgh! Keep slugging water, that is what helps me when I get cheese-bound. :D

  33. Guessing you didn't jump on the Eagles bandwagon. Good move! Ugh. Maybe we both can board the Seahawks bandwagon...hey, they DID beat the Bears in Soldier Field once this year already...

  34. Okay without minimizing your feelings or anything....you're freaking over six pounds? Six measly pounds?? Bah, Doctor, you should know that if you just cut a teaspoon of sugar here, that bread crust there, that extra serving of rice there....whammo your extra six pounds will melt away. Remember: weight loss is all about the food so make sure that you are diligent about keeping on plan! Lots of protein, not so much carbs and sugar. You can do this Doctor! You've *BEEN* doing it, so just get back into the game, keep your eyes on the prize!


Progress to TouchDown and GOALLLL!!