I had a great birthday yesterday. I enjoyed myself a lot. I had a massage. I saw a movie. I went shopping. And....I ate. A lot. A LOT. So here's where the confession thing comes in.
Sunday when I weighed in for the challenge I weighed 204, which was up 1 pound from the prev Sunday and 2 pounds from Dec 23rd. Monday when I weighed I was 207. I'm guessing that was weight from New Year weekend that took a day or two to show. Sunday I was thinking that I got off easy. I knew I'd eaten a lot more than I should have. I hadn't tracked my calories for 3 days. I am embarassaed and ashamed to admit it. Sometimes I feel like I need to be perfect and if I'm not...... I'm a failure. It's my hang up. I'm working on it.
Anyway....all week I've been spot on calorie wise and with exercise. And the scale was showing no loss. I had an irrational moment yesterday and got mad. I had a tantrum of sorts. That combined with it being my bday and I went totally off the deep end. This morning I weighed 208. TWO-OH-EIGHT and I am freaking out and depressed and ashamed and I cannot believe I even typed that number. I was 202 on Dec 23rd. Only 3 pounds from 199, my next goal WHICH I've been waiting on what seems like forever. And now I'm nearly 10 pounds from it again.
I am really bummed. I realized that I didn't do nearly as well over the holiday as I thought. I made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas, but New Year I blew it. BLEW IT. I am so mad at myself and embarassed. I imagined what Allan was going to say and what all of you would think when you saw my gain. THEN I realized I'm one of THOSE people I hate reading about and then I REALLY felt like a failure. I didnt' post yesterday. I wasn't going to this morning. And then....
I said fuck it.
I honestly haven't let anyone down except myself. I don't really care what Allan or anyone else thinks. I've made a mistake and I'm going to learn from it. THIS TIME. I don't know how I gained that much weight, but I did. Of course I haven't pooped in like 3 days. (I just can't eat cheese, even low fat cheese.) And although I don't want to be coddled, I know I've screwed up and deserve some amount of ....I don't know....punishment? I just have this thing about people thinking badly of me. Anyone else feel like that? Insecure? Worried? And it pisses me off because I really thought I was getting over that shit, especially here with you guys.
I have to remind myself..... I have still done SOME things right. I am not going to let this spiral into another nose dive. I say ANOTHER because it happens every year. EVERY. FREAKING. YEAR.
Every year I have a bought of SAD-seasonal affective disorder. Which is really just seasonal depression. I slip into it every year. Every year I say it's different and I'm not going there. It usually starts with my getting upset by the 10-20-30 pounds I've gained since October and every year I become withdrawn, fatigued, grumpy,and a hermit. I stop socializing. I stop going to the gym. I spend my lunch break at home in bed in the dark watching TV and eating. I go to bed early. I withdraw from my family.
I'm done with that shit. DONE. I am NOT repeating that pattern. Why do you think it was March before I got it last year? It was after Spring break before I snapped out of it. And I'm not going 2 months like this again. My God. In 2 months it could be 20 pounds back on and I WILL NOT do it. No way.
So I'm going ot suck it up. I admit I messed up. I admit it. But I'm done with it. I have to move on. I will not wallow. I'm still in the challenge, gain or no gain. Allan is always saying this isn't a contest. It's not. It's a BATTLE. A battle with myself. A battle to conquer all this old shit and STOP IT. So, here's what I've done right.
Let me be clear. This is for ME, not you. I'm not trying to make excuses or convince you. I'm reminding myself that I'm not a failure. As silly as it seems, it's what I need to do for me right now.
Yes I went on a bender over New Year. But, it was 3 days. I realized it and I got right back to business on Monday. No the weight didn't drop right off this week. Yes I'm going to show a gain on Sunday for the weigh in. BUT, the fact that I am fessing up and being honest is important. It's important that I keep myself accountable. It doesn't matter what I tell all of you, I still see the numbers on the scale. Not being honest about those numbers doesn't change them and makes me feel guilty. I was falling into that pattern where I lie to MYSELF and FOOL myself. Which is FAR worse than fibbing to you all. I honestly thought on Monday that maybe I'd be back down to 204 by Sunday and then at least I wouldn't show a gain in the challenge. HA! Wake up woman!
AND...I did track my calories all week. I even forced myself to figure them for yesterday. I ate 3,000. Holy shit! I'm back to normal today. I'm tracking. And I'm drinking water. I'm getting all my fluids in, even yesterday.
I've exercised everyday this week. Even yesterday. I got up early and did 7 miles on the bike and stretches. I was going to run, but my legs were so sore from the kicking on Tuesday. So, I biked. Today, I'm going home to do C25K as I had planned at lunch. Even though my tendency is to go home and hide. Watch TV and eat. I'm going to do what I'd planned. I have to prove to myself that I can do this.
And so, maybe those of you reading this know how I feel. Maybe you've been there. Maybe you're there right now. OR...maybe you are just a little glad to see someone else fail. Maybe you are feeling judgmental because you've never screwed up like this. OR maybe you have and never had the balls to admit it on your blog. Maybe you are a person who doesn't have a blog and just enjoy seeing what others do. Maybe you aren't ready to open up about your own struggles.
No matter how you feel or what you think, I have to realize it's how I feel and what I think about myself that matters most. I started all this for myself. I have to stay in it for myself and wherever I end up- it will be for myself. I'm not perfect. I don't have to be. I never WILL be. When will I get that?
I have a terrible habit of comparing myself to others. When I don't lose weight as fast as others or run as far or fast or lift as much weight, I start to feel like I'll NEVER be able to do all that. Why? I don't know. I've already lost more weight than I ever had before, even with the gain this week. I've already done things I never thought I could do. I'm taking TKD for goodness sakes. I'm working out with a trainer. I'm exercising regularly. I'm still tracking my calories, nearly every day. I even did a 5K.
So did I fail? Yes. Am I a FAILURE? No. Of course not. Now I will stop with the whining and bitching and move on.
This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.