Wednesday Wonders

Another Wednesday and another list of things I'm wondering this week.

I'm wondering:

• Why some days are just harder than other days?  I do the same things everyday, pretty much. I just don't get why some days are so much harder. Today I woke up and just didn't want to get out of bed. I was tired. I was grumpy and I was sad. I spoke to my Aunt last night and she is understandably still struggling with the loss of her son. I feel for her and I tried to let her know I'm here for her.  Today I have her on my mind and that's left me wanting to crawl in bed and be alone. I can't do that of course, so I'm getting by as best I can. I went home at lunch and had a few minutes to myself sitting in my room and watched House from the other night. I didn't have time to workout as I had to run errands before I headed home. Instead I ate and had some peace. It helped some. Tonight I'll try to get a walk with the kid.
• Why radio stations play the same freaking songs over and over and over?  I mean, really. They play like 20 songs over and over all day. At work we have limited reception and we have the radio on all day. It gets so old. And WHY is it always the song you HATE that they play the most?   I've thought about satellite radio, but I have that in my car and frankly it's not that much better. Oh well. It's noise that keeps the office running and patients from eaves dropping too much.
• Will I ever stop crying over silly things when it comes to my kids? I swear I well up with tears all the time over the kids. Is it that I'm a wet rag or just love them so much? The other day I got an email from my son's boy scout leader who said what a wonderful young man he's becoming and how impressed the leaders were with his organizational and leadership skills at the last camp out. Yep. I cried then and now typing that I feel it again. Then yesterday the girls just spontaneously gave each other a big hug and said, "I love you, sissy."  When they thought I wasn't looking. I was and I got teary eyed. Sigh. My kids are just awesome. Unless they are pissing me off. In which case......
• Should I get a Kindle or i-pad?  I've been thinking about this for a while. I got my mom a Kindle for Christmas and she loves it. This also means that my endless supply of books will dry up soon unless I have a way to read hers. Now that she can "loan them" to me, I'm definitely interested. Plus not having books stacked up everywhere is appealing. I really want an i-pad, but I have an i-phone and a laptop. Would I use it enough to justify the expense? I'm not sure my software for work will run OK on it so then I'd have 3 devices to lug around. But......I really want one. Sigh. Still thinking on it. 
• Where does my kid's teacher get off telling her she should bring a lunchable everyday? OK. So about a week ago, my youngest came home and asked if she could have a lunchable because her little friend at pre-school takes one everyday and she wanted one, too. My response was that lunchables are not that healthy so it's not something we can have everyday, but I might get her one for just once in a while. SOOOOO. She takes it to school on Monday and apparently the teacher says how great she did at eating it all up and she should have one every day. I know she said this because she repeated it to the Nanny when she picked it up.  I was immediately irritated.  Why? Because there is a reason that my 5 year old had never ever had one. I consider it over-packaged, over-processed and over-sugared food that is not the best alternative for my kid. Besides, the only reason the kids want the dang stuff is because there are either cookies or a candy bar in it plus juice, both of which are rare treats in our house. Of course she ate it all!  So, I again explained to my child why we don't eat that every day. I bought a couple of divided plastic containers and we're making our own "lunchables" now which the girls find to be great fun.

Well, there's so much more I could write, but I'll save it for another time. I'm headed out to see the Chiropractor and see if he can help me with my sciatic. I have done OK today food wise and I'm drinking water as usual. Tonight the hubby is out of town and I'll be single parenting. We have yet more to do on the pool with adding more salt and scrubbing. I like the scrubbing as it is a great arm workout. I'd like a walk if we have time. Then kids to bed and I'll have some times ALONE. Alone...............happens sooooo rarely. I might even get a bubble bath.  Happy happy smile....

So what about you? Are you wondering things this week? How do you handle kids lunches? I find it frustrating at best. Just the drudgery of having to make them every day. Sigh. Luckily my older 2 can eat at school sometimes although middle school cafeteria food is probably WORSE than send a lunchable. WHY can't we get healthy food to our kids?? Well.........that's a WHOLE other rant in itself.

Anyway, I love love love hearing from all of you. You all amaze me and humor me and comfort me and help me in ways I am truly thankful for........ See. I'm in a better mood already. Have a great night! And leave a comment!

New Stuff

This morning I got up early and made myself go up and get on the treadmill. I didn't want to do it. I was tired. I still am. I wanted to sleep, but what's another 30 min really?  I still can't run really. It's hard on my calf which is healing and nearly well. But, I don't want to push it so I walked. By the time I had pressed the snooze a few times I only had 20 minutes to walk, but hey, 20 min is 20 min.  After I stretched. The walking and stretching is really more about rehab for my leg than anything. I really want to be able to get back to running.

I had oatmeal again this morning, per plan and I'll have to tell you that my belly is either totally loving it or hates it. Either way you look at it I'm regular. Gassy, but regular.  I arrived at work early today and got some reading done. I meant to get this post in earlier, but you know how it goes.  Then the server was down. Let me just let that sink in..................................................

Yeah. MY FREAKING SERVER WAS DOWN most of the morning and let me tell you it is incapacitating. Can't do a damn thing. So frustrating. It happened after a major power surge and then the internet was jacked all morning. Luckily it's nothing major and no data was lost, but sweet lord we depend on that thing. Since we are all electronic I can't even look up the meds a patient is on. Technology is the love and bane of my existence.

I left work to go to TKD and MAN that class kicked my ASS today. They had us do some extra push ups and we did 120 crunches w/ several where she made us go up and hold for 10 sec and OUCH my abs hurt. Then we did lots of extra kicking drills. I still have to be careful with certain kicks. Especially ones where you have to jump back, but I did my best. My asthma is a bummer today so I had to use my inhaler a few times which means my heart was racing even faster than it would've been and I was short of breath. But, it felt great and although I was tired I did it.

Home I went, sweaty and gross. Hopped in the shower and then dressed. Made my sandwich for lunch which I decided to have in a wrap for a change. I also decided to slap some hummus on it instead of the avocado because.........well........frankly I was not in the mood to deal with messy avocado. Hummus I can open the container, 1 tablespoon and done. It was a lovely sandwich with veggies. I also had a grapefruit, ice cold. It was so tasty and really hit the spot after my sweaty class.

THEN, I had to rush to the pool store to have the pool water tested and buy chemicals. We've only had a pool for 2 years since we moved into this new house and I love the pool, hate the hassle. We just had to have the filter pump replaced and refill the whole thing so now we have to start over. Six bags of salt and $200 in various chemicals and we'll be good again tonight. Not that we can swim yet. Brrrrr.

So now I'm back at work with a computer that is working and I can post. Sooooooo here I am posting. Work this afternoon than back to TKD to pick up kids after their classes. Home to the pool and homework and such.  Last night we planted our tomatoes and watermelon and other veggies. Also got some basil going. I sure hope the basil does as well as last year because it was wonderful. Not that basil is high maintenance. It's basically a weed, but smells and tastes sooooo good. Now why couldn't dandelions and thistle and other nastiness that invades my yard be like Basil??? Seems really unfair.

And so all that rambling to just say that I am still on plan, still exercising and still learning new things about this healthy life stuff everyday. I never would have thought a year ago that hummus  on a sandwich would be good. Hell, I wouldn't have had hummus in the fridge then.  I love learning new things and trying new things. I have Brussel sprouts in the fridge. I'll be trying them roasted this week. I haven't had them since I was a kid. We'll see......

So what have you tried an loved lately?What have you hated? Is there something you're dying to try but haven't had the nerve yet? Are you keeping up with your exercise? 

Weekend Wrap up

Haven't posted since Thursday. It was a crazy busy weekend. I always have good intentions to post on the weekend, but it always seems like it doesn't happen. I get busy and there's so much to do. Plus I feel bad enough with the Mommy guilt during the week that on the weekend I feel worse if I spend time away from the kids. Anyhoo- been reading all you blogs and catching up this morning.

Friday was a typical crazy day with work and kids and such. I went to TKD class Friday evening and did pretty well with my leg. It's almost completely healed, but still looks kinda gross. Better than before though.  I wore one of the new dresses to work, the most casual and got some nice compliments.  Friday was also the first day of new menus and I did great sticking to the plan. Packed my lunch and snacks and took them to work. Drank all my water and was pleased with myself. Had salmon for dinner and it was good!

Saturday I got up and got breakfast for the kiddos and me. Son had school stuff in the morning and then my hubbie had to take him late to his Boy Scout camp out. The girls and I spent the morning cleaning house. I am really trying to de-clutter and I wish I had a week to just stay home and work on that, but I don't so I'll keep plugging away. I'm trying to do better with limiting what comes in my house.

In the afternoon, I spent hours weeding my flower beds out front and cleaning it out, getting ready to plant a few annuals for color. I bought some plants from another Boy scout troop so I'll be planting when they arrive. We also replaced the light in the pool which was a bear because it's hard to get out and such. The pool is currently sans water because they are coming today to replace one of the filter pumps. The lower yard is flooded and the kids have enjoyed the mud. Yuck.

Then Saturday evening we went to Lowes and got some veggie plants for our raised beds. The girls love this as they are always excited to pick the plants they want to plant. After, we went to eat at Cotton Patch Cafe which is a death trap of Southern food. I however did well having tilapia grilled, salad, no dressing, broccoli no sauce. I didn't have any of the lovely warm rolls they brought to the table although the girls gobbled them like candy. The entree was 2 fillets of fish, I ate one and saved the other for lunch on Sunday.  Once we got home, we took a short walk as a family and then it was baths and bed for the girls and I wasn't far behind considering how tired I was.

Sunday we slept in a tad (8:30am) and then I got to work with breakfast. I made omelets and per the plan I had one with spinach. I don't generally choose spinach with my breakfast, but I like the stuff and it was actually really tasty. Lunch per the plan with fish instead of chicken.  I took the girls to a birthday party and passed on the cake and the pizza. I spent a little time practicing my TKD stuff.  Last night I had chicken with veggies, green beans instead of broccoli as I'd had it the night before and although I love it, my belly doesn't always love it.

I was pleased with my weigh in for the challenge Sunday morning. I am finally nearly down to my pre-funeral weight. I was 195.8.  It was a loss of  3.8 pounds for the week which I am quite happy with. That means I am basically back to where I was although I had seen 194 briefly and can't wait to again.

Today I had oatmeal for breakfast per the plan. I bought some of the fancy rough cut kind and although I didn't taste a lot of difference, there's definitely a texture difference. I don't eat the instant or 1 minute stuff anyway because I don't like the mushy stuff. It was tasty.  Lunch is packed in my bag and dinner is on the plan.  I'm actually kind of enjoying being told what to eat. I certainly enjoy the scale moving so I'll keep following.

I had planned a workout at lunch, but I'm super tired today. Hubbie was sick all last week and I'm hoping I'm not getting it. We've all had allergy crap as it is pollen hell here in Texas. I think I'm going to need a nap so that's where I'm headed.

How was your weekend? Do you do oatmeal? How do you like it? Have a great day!

WHO is THAT?

Today was a decent day. Woke up on time, early really. Caught up on some work. Got in the shower. And got busy deciding what to wear. This is a whole new kind of annoying in my life now. In a totally different way than "before".  I don't have to stand there wondering which clothes will make me look "not fat".

Now I have a hard time finding things that are not too big. (Grin.) Recently I've bought a few new things that are too small. I'm just not used to my new size yet. Even the stuff that does fit looks too small. I look at it every time thinking it won't button. Even the jeans I've worn many times. I bought 2 pairs of capri pants at Target, size 14. They are both too small. Like probably 5-7 pounds too small so I don't want to return them. But, I have 3 pairs of jeans bought at Kohl's in the "normal" clothes section that are 14s and fit fine. The sizing of clothes is weird.

Last week I went to Kohl's and I just did some browsing. I found 3 cute dresses. Being in a hurry I bought them without trying them on. What size you ask? They were all XL. Normal XL. That's huge for me. I've never owned a normal dress. Not since I was a kid. I mean like 5. I remember being 6 and looking for 6X dresses because I was too big for normal 6. Back then there weren't that many to choose from. At Kohl's I walked right in and found 3 and bought them, feeling like they'd fit without trying them on. HUGE, I say!

So this morning I'm getting ready and I'm thinking maybe I'll wear one. I tried them on and they all fit. They all look pretty cute. One of them is dressier and looks good. I mean really good. Which should be great, but left me feeling........well......weird?  I literally had this weird experience where I almost didn't know who was in my mirror. Strangest feeling. And I'm still pretty fat, so I can only imagine how it will feel when I'm at goal.

I'm standing there staring into the mirror and feeling so.....exposed? The dress is not tight fitting, but it is kind of low cut and my waist looked so small. I know it's not small. I know my measurements. It's just that I'm used to something so much larger. I kept turning in the mirror looking for my "fat side" but the dress looked pretty good.

Then I started freaking out because I knew the attention I'll get in that dress. Is that weird? Am I crazy? I know I'd have to wear a tank under it for work, too low. You do NOT want to do a testicular exam on a man in a too low cut dress. Talk about strange..... Anyway. I'm standing there and I really felt a bit anxious. Panicky even. I freaked out and took the dress off.

Then I rationalized that I didn't want the ugly bruise to show (which by the way is all shades of purple and blue today). Plus I'd need to paint my toenails so I could wear those one sandals and then I wasn't sure I'd shaved my legs well enough. Plus I thought I'd save it for next week when I have a meeting. But truth be told I took it off because I felt like I looked too good for a minute.

I know that seems really crazy coming from a 41 year old mother of three that still weighs just under 200. Crazy talk right? Can you say "body dysmorphic disorder"?  This is new territory. And I'm not complaining. In fact thinking about it now I'm grinning and I can't wait for hubby and people at work to see it, but I still can't believe that I freaked like that.

I know I've had trouble not realizing how fat I looked in the past. I just don't feel that way. I don't feel obese. Well, there are times, but overall I've learned to like how I look and be confident. But I don't think I've ever really looked at myself, seen myself. Why is it we can stand there forever finding things we don't like, but to make a list of things we do like is so much harder? Isn't it weird how different we think we look and how we really look? What others see when they look at us is often completely different than what we do. Why? Because we have the filter of our thoughts to look through.

This morning was just another reminder that a huge portion of this weight thing is mental. It's all how you feel on the inside. Your thoughts. Your "self talk". Changing that is WAY harder than learning not to eat french fries and candy bars. That part is easy in comparison.

As things turned out I still wore a cute new outfit with new cute wedge sandals. I looked and felt good. I did not go to TKD at lunch because my middle daughter wanted me to go to class with her. Plus I wasn't sure I was ready. I figured going to the kids class would be less rigorous and there would be less peer pressure to overachieve.

I ended up in class this evening. Did pretty dang well. Leg held out and I had a good workout. Plus, they told me that they'd arrange a private test for me so I can move up a belt. I know all the material and I don't want to be bored for 8 weeks. I am very happy about that. We'll wait 1-2 weeks until I'm sure my leg is ready for it. Ate well today all day. Calories at just under 1100. Water 96oz, plus more fluids.

Do you ever have these "who is THAT" moments when looking in the mirror? How do you deal with it? Do you feel like you really SEE yourself?

Wednesday Wonders

Here we are another Wednesday and a lot more weirdness in the world and things I just don't get.

I wonder:

• Why I can't think of something this good for my business name? I snapped this pic in a parking lot the other day. It's a tow truck and this is what was on the door.  I'm just not that clever and it makes me way jealous.

Emergency Hookers  "You blow it....I'll tow it!"

•  If spending my day off with a bunch of first graders at the zoo was the smartest decision?      I mean it's not like I get many days off. It was a lovely day yesterday and perfect for the zoo. For the first hour and a half, it was most enjoyable. After that and I slowly began to lose it trying to watch my 2 girls and the other kids in our group.  I took the 5 year old with me to sister's field trip. I get so nervous when I'm responsible for other peoples kids and it was sooooo crowded. I hardly enjoyed the animals because I was monitoring the behavior and whereabouts of the children. At the end of the day, I stayed behind with my girls while the rest of the kids went back on the bus. That was way less stressful. Of course the girls and I were pooped by the end of the day. We were walking for literally 5 hours. I slept pretty well last night though.

We actually got to feed and pet the giraffes. Too cool.

Yuck! Cobra. I hate snakes. Was cool to see it dance like that, though. It's in it's cage by itself, decorated like a living room. The girls just squealed when they saw it.

Otter family at play. Too cute!

 

• If I've ever seen a more beautiful moon?  For those of you who didn't know, the moon was the closest and fullest it's been since 1992 on March 19th. I took some pictures that night and must admit it was amazing. If you want to know more about the "SuperMoon", click here. Sadly it was the night my cousin died. I didn't make the connection until I got ready to post these pics.  I had 2 patients die that weekend and several others I know of as well. I have long believed, as many in medicine do, that people's behavior is affected by the moon.  I'll say that I can tell you many anecdotes regarding it and that I'm glad I wasn't working in an ER that night and won't be delivering babies 9 months from now. 

Now you know why they say there's a "man in the moon."

View from my back porch

• If animals feel shunned the way people do?  I was struck by this one bird separated from the group of pretty pink flamingos. I think it's a stork or pelican. Couldn't tell because he was all hunched over and so sad looking. Of course I started to feel bad for it. And then realized it was my "poor outcast fat kid" sympathy kicking in. Will I lose that when I'm in the pretty pink flamingo group?  I hope not.

All those pretty flamingos and 1 brown different pelican all alone.

• How many pretty colors will my leg turn? As I mentioned, I spent all day on my leg walking and standing. It felt so good to be able to move. I didn't have much pain, a little soreness. But, when I woke up this morning this is what I saw. And as the day wore on today, it got prettier and prettier. I'm just glad that it looks worse than it feels at this point. I was thinking I'd go back to TKD tomorrow, but now I'm thinking maybe not. I don't want to rush it. Thanks for all the comments of concern by the way. I appreciate them. But, I'm not quitting TKD and I know these kinds of injuries will get fewer as I lose weight and get in better shape. This happened because I didn't stretch as much as usual or hydrate before as much as usual. I was in a rush.  Let this be a lesson to you: Stretch and drink your water!

I've been eating on plan and I'm hoping the scale will move. I am not exactly as focused as usual as I'm still dealing with a lot of family issues. But, my kids are safe and healthy. My husband is wonderfully supportive. My extended family is doing OK. I miss my cousin every day and I guess I'm still in the stage of disbelief. I wake up and think it can't be true only to realize it is. It puts things in perspective for me. Makes me want to get healthier so I can live a happy healthy life with my kids, grand-kids and great-grand-kids. But, my head is often spinning with thoughts and I find it hard to focus.

For now I'm doing the best I can. I'm tracking my food and looking forward to the new challenge meals that start on Friday. I'm re-dedicating myself to follow the plan exactly with the new menus.  Actually having someone tell me what to eat right now is kind of comforting. I am tired of thinking so much and making decisions. 

As for exercise, I'm thinking that I'll try biking tomorrow if I skip TKD as I think I will. I just miss my workouts and I need to do some stretching and core work as well. I miss running a lot, but that's a no go. I tried to "run" into the house to get something this morning and my leg let me know I can't yet. I don't want to end up in a boot for 6 weeks with a complete tear, so I'll be good and take it slow. 

 

I got an email from a former student today. She had lost a lot of weight last year and was a new runner like me. She told me she's thinking of doing a half-marathon in May and wondered if I wanted to do it with her. I told her there's no way I can this year, but maybe next year? We'll see. I'm almost afraid to state that as a goal. But, I do know running is something I really enjoy so as weird as it is for me it is not outside my imagination. 

 

That is an NSV of it's own isn't it?  The idea that I can even imagine running for 13.1 miles?  Unimaginable a year ago. Absolutely impossible. In fact 5K was outside my imagination back then and now I know I'll be able to run 3 miles eventually, hopefully soon.

And that was a long post.....What have you been wondering these days? Did you notice the moon a few weeks ago?  What's your favorite zoo animal?  I love love love reading your comments, please leave one.

Weekend Wrap Up

Had a decent weekend. Not as productive as I would've liked. Of course I wanted to take my green belt test, but that didn't happen. Though my leg is tons better, not well, but tons better, I still can't do all that I'd like. We had 60 bags of mulch delivered on Saturday. We bought it from boy scouts and they delivered for a small fee. It was worth it, but I didn't get it spread yet. I'll try this week if my leg is better.

I ate on plan, but didn't exercise much. I did housework and dishes and some simple cleaning and that was about it. I was tired so I took the luxury Saturday afternoon of lying outside in the breeze for a short nap. I love love love naps outside. It started in college. I had a bench on campus that was my got to spot. I'd lie in the sun and nap with my head on my back pack. I always joke that I could nap anywhere and it's true. But my favorite spot is outside in the breeze.

I was very distraught to see that my bench was gone last fall when we walked through campus before one of the football games. They replaced it with a wooden bench with a back, not nearly as comfortable to nap on as my backless concrete one.

Big boy went to birthday party this weekend. When I was a kid it was a few friends, pillows on the floor, and lots of giggles. He gets a trip to a lake house complete with water sports and Xbox games, movies and such. Huh. Doesn't seem fair.

On Friday night we watched Tangled with the kids. It's such a good movie and we enjoyed the family time. My husband and I watched Black Swan this weekend, obviously NOT with the kids. Weirdness.  I'm not sure I liked it or not. It was good and weird. We also spent some time catching up on the TIVO. We watched the whole season of Californication, also not with the kids. Another weird and twisted show, but we like it. I think that must be all we like these days.

Saturday night I had the luxury of a bubble bath. My leg needed the bath and I enjoy the quiet time. Why is that Mom only gets quiet time and naps when she's hurt or sick? I don't know, but I enjoyed it. Even read my book in the bubbles. It was quite nice.

Tomorrow I have a field trip to the zoo with my daughter's class. That's one reason I didn't do much physical stuff. I know I'll have to walk a ton tomorrow and my leg needs to be ready. I think I'll be fine. Today I plan some bike and stretching. I really need to get back to my exercise.

And so here I am on Monday trying to get through the day. I'm tired this morning. Storms woke me last night and I didn't sleep well. But, we needed the rain and so I'll not complain too much. April showers bring May flowers, right? Well, they bring the weeds anyway. I've gotta get out there in the yard this week. So much to do, so little time.

Have a good Monday!  How was your weekend? Do anything exciting or just a quiet time like me?

Son of a.....

Booty-head. As my 5 year old might say.

Well, after all my tough talk about exercise I had a.....mishap? Yesterday in TKD I was sparring. I kicked and went down on my foot weird. Felt a HUGE pop in my calf. I thought it was a cramp at first, but then I KNEW it was bad because I couldn't stand or walk very well. DAAAAAAAAAAMMMMNNN!

So pissed because I was supposed to test for my green belt tomorrow morning and now there's no way it'll happen. Now I have to wait 8 weeks and I already know all the material. I was supposed to do 2 classes yesterday and one today. Not happening.  Ugh.

That's OK. There's always room for improvement. I refuse to quit. I don't care. I don't care if yesterday was a total, "I feel fat and awkward moment" when I got hurt and had to leave class early. I'm going back just as quick as I can. I even did a few kicks today. Just can't get up on my toes yet. At least it's better today and I've been able to get through the day at work without too much trouble.

The leg was totally swollen and my weight is still up. I'm dreading the official weigh in on Sunday. I emailed Allan and told him I was thinking I should quit the challenge since my weight is up and I'm going to mess up the overall numbers and frankly I just feel like a loser, not in a good way. He says I'm not allowed out and that I should forget the numbers. OK. Fine. He's right, I know this. I'm just bummed today.

It's been a week since my cousin's funeral. I am amazed how I can go for a day or two and be fine. Perfectly fine. Then this morning I noticed that the flowers I had from the service are dying and that it's been a week. I cried in the shower this morning. The pain in my leg, the pain in my gut when I saw the scale and then the pain in my heart and......boo hoos happen.

I'm better now. I'm trying to stay focused on the things I am grateful for. I'm trying to think of good thoughts and stay focused on work. I'm trying to do all this without resorting to food as comfort. It is not easy. Old habits die hard, my friends.

When I walked in limping from class yesterday, I came home to fresh baked cookies. Nanny had cooked them for the girls. It's a rare thing in our house, but it happens and it was report card day. So....cookies on the counter. My immediate response was to grab one and chow down. Problem is, I can't only eat one. No cookie for me. But I want one now and I remember how they smell. Good thing I'm not at home and I have carrots in my snack bag.

At least it's Friday and although I'll be bummed when I'm not at TKD in the morning, I'll get through it. I have 60 bags of mulch coming this weekend. They'll be plenty to do. Mulching, planting and another bed to build. 

How do you handle those, "poor me moments" like I had this morning?  I woke up sad and frustrated from the weight gain and feeling like my efforts were being de-railed yet again. What do you do?