Christmas Catch-up and Look who I saw!

I do not want to be one of THOSE bloggers who start a blog, lose some weight and disappear into the never-land of the internet.  I have not been able to blog over the last week due to the fact that I had no internet connection in rural Kansas where we were visiting with my in-laws. Well....there is internet, but dial up just doesn't work for me. Very little cell service there also. But, I'm home now and ready to catch you all up on my goings on.

We left for Kansas Wednesday night after work. Stopped half way in Norman at my Aunt's where we dumped most of the presents. Early Thursday morning headed for Kansas. Pulled into the driveway just as lovely large white fluffy flakes began to fall. Alas the ground was too warm and the snow didn't last, so there wasn't enough to play in, but it was lovely to look at for a day. The next morning I got up to cold, but sunny skies. Just the kind I like for a walk/run. So off I went down rural roads, the sun shining and the frost nipping at my nose. It was a nice run.  After I returned, I did a little TKD practice, but decided that turning kicks on gravel and frosted ground was a bad idea. I saw a fall in my future and went back inside.

A trip to the store later and I had the fixings for dinner. My rum raisin apple pie was on the agenda for my father in law. It's the only time he gets it so I make it for him at holiday dinners. I did not eat any however as I have never liked apple pie. I did partake in a couple of snicker doodle cookies, but overall kept my sweets to a minimum.  I can't say I ate healthy food over that weekend, but I can say I tried to moderate my portions. I spent most of that weekend cooking and doing dishes, but managed to get in some quality Yahtzee games with the kids. We had our presents with the in-laws on the 23rd and I received a lovely robe and slippers. After my weight loss, I realized that my current robe was a 26/28 and will wrap around me about 3 times. The new one is a size large and fits. It is red and fluffy and I love it.

Christmas eve morning was spent packing up to head back to Norman. Three kids can do a lot of damage to a house in 2 days time. Took a while to find all their toys and gifts and such. Packed up and headed south, the traffic was surprisingly light and the day was sunny which made for an enjoyable and quiet ride. Especially when combined with the headphones the kids were wearing. 

Upon arrival in Norman, I found that I was requested to finish the German Chocolate cake my Aunt was baking and other various cooking duties for dinner the next day. We say dinner, but here in the south we really mean late lunch or 'linner" as we jokingly call it.  There was a huge spread planned with ham and turkey, casseroles and salads, desserts and cookies and rolls. Your typical Christmas luncheon from hell. That's ok, because I do not like German chocolate cake and by the time I finished cooking on Sunday I was not so much in the mood to eat. I had food, good food and I enjoyed it, but my portions are significantly different from years past and their were no seconds or thirds.

The presents were unveiled early Sunday morning as Church began at 11am. We were up at 6am. Thanking God once again for coffee.  The children were all thrilled with their gifts. Son got a new iphone which has been attached to him since. He also got these and I quote: Really cool neat headphones that go over your WHOLE ear. Like not IN it, but Around it and the SOUND is like so MUCH better....... Yeah kid. Those are called HEADPHONES and they were the original ear buds. He is totally into music and is constantly streaming pandora. Thank god for unlimited data plan.

The girls got their wish: Nintendo DS and a princess suitcase and a diary with a REAL lock and key. They also got plenty of new clothes, some barbie stuff and a couple of new board games I'm looking forward to checking out this weekend.

I got plenty of nice things and then some....well weird ones. But, the husband tries and I love him. Plus we've been married now far to long to get upset over a less than stellar Christmas gift. Who wouldn't want a waterpick anyway?  I did however get the blue ray copy of Super 8 and my friends who grew up in the 70s if you haven't seen this you must. No really. Right now. Stop reading and go watch it. Come back later...... I love that movie. It is funny and cute and thrilling and there is action. My 14 year old loved it although I had to explain a few things about the 70s to him.  I spent the whole movie going, "I remember that." And "I HAD one of those." Fun fun movie.

The less than happy gift this Christmas was a roaring case of bronchitis, which I have been nursing. I had to go home early from work yesterday and YES doctors do get sick. And YES I've seen a doctor about my cough. I've heard all the jokes before. I suppose as physicians we see any personal illness as a bit of a failure and I HATE canceling patients, but I hate coughing all over them more and when I cannot walk a few feet without hacking, even I must surrender.

Today has been much better. Thank you Prednisone. Thank you inhalers. And I am starting to feel a bit better. Which is a good thing as BFF and her 2 kids arrive today. It is our annual New Years gathering where we hang out for a few days, play games with the kids, laugh, watch football, drink a bit and visit. Presents to be opened New Years day with black eyed peas to follow. Yes you read that right.....if you don't know why you eat black eyed peas on New Years day you must be a damned Yankee.....google it.

I am sorely lacking exercise since my taekwondo gym is closed until the New Year. I miss it terribly, but cannot workout as I am wheezy wheezy right now. It's OK. I'll not quit. I have a gained a little weight. I'm up about 10 pounds since the cruise at Thanksgiving, but as I look back over this year I see mainly success and HEY, I'm still here. Not giving up. Not ever. I have a goal and I will reach it.

And now a few random things......Stephen Kings new book 11/22/1963 IS AWESOME. Simply awesome. I haven't finished it yet. It is long long long, but oh so worth it. You really should pick it up. It's just plain great.  My new iphone 4s has the Siri thingy lady in it and frankly creeps me out a bit. Although I haven't used her for real information, I have enjoyed my family and friends asking her random questions like how do you roast a pig or where can you bury a body near here. 

My in-laws got me a pair of the fuzziest damn slippers you ever saw. In fact they look like I shoved my foot up a small dog's ass.  I simply must post a picture for you to understand.  I really really wanted to return them, but they seemed sooooo wanting me to like them and the GIRLS just freaked over them and think they are the best thing ever. I'll admit they are the warmest slippers I've ever worn, but of course a small dogs orifice would be wouldn't it?

Just before I left for Kansas I had the awesome opportunity to meet one of my bloggy friends in real life.  Yes....I met someone in real life and had lunch with her. Someone that I met on the internet. NO it didn't end like one of those made for TV movies where someone gets kidnapped and the message is....beware the internet stalker.  No it was very pleasant and amazingly Jan from Writing to Wellness was exactly as expected. Intelligent and kind and a lovely conversation ensued. Of course as a fellow family physicians we spent a lot of our time talking about medicine.  We had a tasty lunch with promises to repeat anytime we get the chance. She even had some very nice things to say about me in her recent post. If you don't read Jan's blog, you should. She is amazing and not just because she's lost a ton of weight. She is inspiring for a whole host of reasons not least of which how she handled her breast cancer she's been through over the past year.

Well.....I suppose I should stop here although there's so much more I could go into. That's what happens when you haven't had a good chat with friends in a while. I'm amazed at the friends I've met here on line. I never dreamed that when I started this blog to help me stay on course with my healthy living I'd meet so many great people. I hope to be back to regular blogging although this weekend will be busy with my best friend and her kiddos. We plan a whole day of grown up only fun on Friday. Likely some shopping, dinner and maybe a movie.

As always thank you for your support and never give up.

Naughty and Nice

OK so my life is moving at such a pace I cannot seem to get a grip on everything I need to do. That includes posting on this blog!  I'm STILL not done shopping and yes my friends I am WELL aware of how many days I have left. There's been a lot going on. Both good and bad. Thought I spend some time catching you up.

Nice: I've attended my first few classes as a purple belt. Every time I move up I'm freaked out by how much more material I have to learn. How much harder things are. But this time I'm just pysched to get to learn a new weapon-STAFF. That's right my friends. I'm now learning some authentically cool shit. Yeah me.

Naughty: Stupid back. So you might recall that during my last belt test nearly 2 weeks ago I fell more than once. Apparently this jacked up my back. Over the weekend I bent down to pick up something (I'm sure something my bratty kids left strewn all over the floor) and the resulting sharp stabbing pain and inability to straighten up was horrible. I spent the rest of the day lying in bed on a heating pad and taking Motrin.

Nice:  Luckily the back straightened up in time for me to clean the house and work my butt off to get ready for the freaking Birthday party. 10, yes TEN,  6 year old girls.  3 hours.........Maybe this should've been in the naughty category.

Naughty: My kids. That's right my friends. Apparently I have not reminded them enough that SANTA is watching. Especially the little one. I swear there are days I know that if I'd had her first she'd be an only child.  Yesterday I was saying how my birthday was coming up.....THEY asked.....and she said my birthday was a "poophead" and "booty butt". Alrighty. I can get past that. I kinda feel the same way. This morning she was a holy terror. GUESS who promptly texted Santa and let the big guy know that I just wasn't sure little smarty brat britches was getting Christmas this year. Yes my friends. I did. This resulted in a LOT of crying and pleading and frankly the rest of the morning was down right......NICE.

Nice: So this evening My little princess was being very obviously good. (Thank you modern technology) She says to me, "Mommy. You see I'm being nice."  Why yes you are. Good job. "WELL, YEAH I want presents." Great.......so......I've taught her what? We discussed that being nice means being nice just because it's the right thing to do. I'm hoping she learned something.......... Oh who am I kidding? I'm just hoping she straightens up so I can get the rest of this holiday crap done.

Naughty: Holiday Crap. I am frankly tired of all the unnecessary stuff and expectations we place on ourselves this time of year. When the hell did I buy in to the idea of the perfect Christmas? I'm realizing that I spend so much time, money and energy on trying to get one that I have drained every ounce of enjoyment and joy out of what used to be my favorite time of year. Guess what? I'm done with that. I'm OKwith store bought gifts. I'm OK with  gift cards for grown ups. The miracle of the season has absolutely NOTHING to do with the perfect gift.  When it comes down to it the kids will remember the time we spend together. Not how perfect Mommy's homemade cards were. Yeah. right. Cards......Ha ha ha ha ha.....

Nice: I've lost a few pounds, not enough.
Naughty: Stupid cookie, cake, pie, candy infested holiday office
Nice: Amazon. Free Shipping.
Naughty: Less than perfect diet.
Nice: Pretty danged consistent exercise routine.
Naughty: DFW metroplex shuts down completely every time it rains. WTH? Traffic becomes unbareable. These people lose their damned minds when it rains. In Nebraska they get 2 feet of snow and don't miss a beat. It's water people......move on....

Nice: So last weekend. Nanny kept the girls overnight. Son was on a camp out. This left hubby and me an evening alone. We are boring. We are tired. We are.......old I guess. Don't judge me. We opted for take out-steak and sweet potato for me and downloading a movie. Yes, a baby sitter and we stayed in. Listen I can count on one hand probably the number of times we've been alone in the house since we moved in 2 years ago.  It was wonderfully pleasant and relaxing.  We watched The Debt with Helen Miren. Excellent film, btw.  The next morning we went to Ihop where I had an egg white veggie omelet and a whole grain pancake. Yummo. How wonderful to go out for breakfast and enjoy coffee and conversation that didn't include "stop poking your sister" or "don't throw the crayons".   After we headed to do our Christmas list and shopping.......BACK HOME. Which was good considering the back thingy that happened shortly after our arrival......see above naughty

So as you can see my life has been crazy, but that's my world. You'd think I would adjust. I've been reading as usual, but not commenting as much. I think you can figure out why since you just read all of that. I found out our kid's school is hosting it's first 1K/5K run end of April. NOW that's a reason to really get busy training to run. That's the plan for my fitness. I've been saying it forever. Time to put up or shut up.

What's your plan for your fitness goals?  Don't forget about them in the holiday chaos. Without them, there might not be another holiday.  Have a great week my friends.

Another kick A** Weekend and seeing PURPLE!

I can't believe it is already Wednesday! Where is time going and WHY does it seem to go faster when you haven't finished your Christmas shopping?

I am still having a hard time with my diet. I have not been getting in all my water and not tracking. That being said I'm starting to get on my own nerves with this excuses thing and I've had it. So today I woke up and dragged my sore ass out of bed and drank my water and ate my breakfast and tracked it. I'd planned on hitting the gym but I have a sick kid at home. Instead I'll head home at lunch to check on him.

On the bright side my weekend was great. Tree is up and decorations are almost done. I'm ready for the youngest's bday party this weekend and I'm getting my shopping underway on line. Progress my friends.

But the biggest news of course is that I passed my belt test. I am now officially an advanced belt and over half way to black!! It was not an easy test. Still a bit off balance from the cruise and had some trouble with the turning jump kicks. I ended up falling splat on my butt not once but twice. Embarassing? Maybe. In front of all those parents and grand parents and such. But I ask you....did any of them have the balls to be out there testing and busting their ass? Nope. So screw that. I got back up and kept on kicking.

I broke my board on the first try. It's a big freaking board and we had to do an axe kick (kick up high over the head then straight down breaking the board with your heel) I had to spar twice once with a black belt and the other time was with my son. That was super fun. After I was super sore and tired and bruised. Still am somewhat but my bruises are badges of honor. I'm quite proud of myself.

I did not like the pics of me this test. I feel like I look fat. And I see all 6 of the pounds I've put on, mainly in my belly. It's ok though because I compared the pic from my first test and I still feel like I look better now. What do you think?

Monday despite my tired soreness I trained with my trainer. Ouch. My pecs are still sore but that's ok. It's getting better and again I love being sore for that reason.Today I have tracked, had my water and eaten well and SURPRISE I feel better. Will I ever learn that I feel better when I fuel my body with healthy foods, water and exercise? Duh.  It's like I have short term memory loss every time! (I love you, Dori!)  I hope all of you are staying on track and making it through the mind field that are the holidays.

Me kicking said son's booty. Just kidding....

Breaking of the board

Getting my purple belt

Kicking during first test

After first test

Friday! Warning. Hectic weekend ahead....

Ok, so I woke up today with pain in my back. Slept wrong I think. Not good considering my test tomorrow. I've stretched and it's better. I am nervous for my test, but also really excited. Half way to black belt is a good thing. Of course when I think of how far I need to go to get to black.....sigh. I don't care. I'm determined. I'm doing this thing.

I've struggled this week with eating. The cravings have been bad after my indulgences on the cruise.  I haven't felt great, still have had a lot of dizziness. Today is the first day that I woke up and felt "normal" minus the back thingy.  I'm glad it is Friday. I have a lot to do. I've still got to get the house decorated. Lists made. Shopping started. Sigh.....Christmas is hard work.  I used to love this time of year. It was my favorite. That's why we got married at Christmastime so we could have lovely Christmas decorations. But, these days I feel like it is such a hectic time. It's a lot harder to enjoy.  I'm going to try and enjoy it anyway for my kids. Or at least keep my stress to a minimum. As much as I can. Internet shopping helps that a lot.

I've had trouble getting back into my routine, but I feel like I can do that today. I've got to get back to tracking and drinking my water. Yesterday I did 2 TKD classes. And I feel like I'm ready for my test. My weight is still up from the cruise, but on it's way back down. Some of it is water retention I think. Anyhoo, I'll be posting about my test on Monday. I hope you all have a good weekend. That's all for me for now. Short post. I have to get some work done. Big computer conversion today. Have a great weekend!

Land....Ho!

I'm back. I had the best time on the cruise. It was fabulous. I honestly cannot remember a better Thanksgiving. Oh sure, I like the cooking and family bonding and eating. I like the traditional dinner and all the fixings. But, spending time on a boat with no where to go but be with each other was  wonderful.

Of course, I did gain some weight, but not too bad. I was very active and made mostly good choices. I drank too much alcohol and I ate more than I should have. I am still retaining water and I wonder if it wasn't from the medication I took for the motion sickness.  I'm still adjusting to being back on land. I'm really sensitive to motion. I get car sick really easy.  On the ship I did great except for the first day when I was adjusting,but I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't get sick once.

There were moments that were bitter sweet. The first night at dinner as I sat looking around the table and my cousin wasn't there.  Thanksgiving dinner after the blessing and as we toasted to him. I shed a few tears, but very few. It was actually very nice and a bit of closure for us all.  Life goes on. Although we miss him, we have to move on. Not forget, but move forward.

I've got tons of pictures and I'll share a few here.

The boat

Sailing away.

Stupid kids

Enjoying sunrise with my son. On the way to the gym.

Lounging on the deck after dinner

Ruins in Progresso, Mexico

Yes, I did climb all those steps. Twice.

View from the glass elevators that enchanted my girls.

Said elevators

Oh yes. I did watch Thanksgiving day football on the big screen!

At port, Cozumel

My view for Thanksgiving Day

Not a bad pic for a 5 year old. Dress I bought in Cozumel, one size DID finally fit all.

Adjusting to being home has been harder than on most trips. Mainly due to dizziness. I'm tired, but overall I'm doing well.  It sure was nice to sign up for excursions without worrying whether I could do them. Times sure have changed. no way I could have done those steps 2 years ago.

I'm determined to get back to working out. I have a belt test this Saturday. I'm kind of freaking out about it. No I haven't shopped. No the tree isn't up. No I'm not ready for the holidays. BUT, I'm happy. And I have some really wonderful memories.

It's not the turkey.

Thanks everybody for your thoughts on my last post. Sometimes just letting those feelings out is all you need to feel better. Right after I published that post I felt so much better. I woke up the next day and actually felt like facing my day and was in a good mood. I feel much, much better. Not perfect, but better.

It helped that this week I've gone to TKD class. I just feel better when I move. Wednesday we had a special self-defense class for women only. It was a lot of fun because we're practiced some "real world" scenarios. Outside, in the dark carrying groceries or purse. Attacker with a weapon, that kind of thing. Good info to have to apply what I'm learning in the traditional classes.

Tuesday night I went to a medical staff meeting (boring). We had the best filet (yummy), steamed green beans (tasty) and mashed potatoes with bacon (ok, I had one bite).  There was also a salad with a light citrus vinaigrette and it was yummy as well.

Monday I took my car in and had to get 2 new tires. Yesterday, I had to get it aligned, oil changed, inspection and the timing belt replaced. $1000 later........sigh.....

My husband left yesterday for Michigan. Somehow it seems unfair, but he's going to the Michigan v Nebraska game with some buddies. I'll be picking him up in Houston this weekend on our way to Galveston to catch the cruise ship. Last night I was home with just me and the kids. Is it bad that I enjoy it when my husband is gone sometimes and I get to have quiet alone time after the kids are in bed?

Yesterday I attended my youngest's  Thanksgiving program and dinner. Well....I wouldn't call it dinner. Lunch is at 10:15 am. Turkey and dressing at 10:15? Whatever. Then of course I stayed for my 2nd graders lunch at 11am. Of course I didn't eat again.  I took off for the morning for this. They were very excited. The kindergarten program included the kids dressing as Indians and pilgrims and singing songs. We made her costume out of felt that she colored on with fabric crayons and markers. It's not perfect, but so cute since she and I made it ourselves.  They were all so cute singing their songs and dancing. (sniff sniff)

Tonight my Aunt and cousins arrive from Oklahoma. I still have a lot to do to get ready for our trip. I haven't packed yet. Luckily I'm pretty quick at packing since we do it so much. I have to get to the bank. I have to pick up prescriptions. Getting ready for vacation is hard work, but it's all worth it.

I'm attending TKD again tonight.  I've been 4 days this week. Trying to get ready for my test since I'll miss a couple of classes next week. Last night we were "pre-testing". I'm happy to say I know all the material. I got thrown last night, landed on my side and now my hip is bruised. ouchy.  I don't mind. It will be fine. Not the first time I've gotten hurt. My right foot is still bruised from the kid that landed on top of it on his knee last week. That's the price of being a martial artist. I'm willing to pay it. Tomorrow we plan an hour of practice. So I'll have exercised 6 out of 7 days this week.

Haven't been eating great, but not terrible. I'm not sure what the scale is doing. I decided to stop weighing for a bit. I do know I wore some black pants, size 12 from last fall and they fit way better than last year. I'm going to be working out on the cruise. I hope to have time to go get some new running shoes. I really need them. I love the idea of jogging around a track at the top of a giant cruise ship. Definitely gonna give that a try.

I probably will not be able to post next week, but I'll definitely check in when I get back and let you know all about it.  Tuesday my baby boy turns 14. FOURTEEN. Can. Not. Believe it. Found out he's been texting a girl from school late at night. We had a discussion about that. Sigh.......here it comes. My baby girl turns 6 on the 30th. Boy am I getting old. Good news is older AND better.

Again thank you all for your support. Spend sometime reflecting this week on the good things in your life. Tell the people you love how much they mean to you. You never know when they might be gone. Don't wait to say it. You might not get another chance.  Appreciate your friends. Appreciate all the things that really matter in life.  It's not the turkey. It's not the pumpkin pie. None of that matters. What matters are the people you love and that love you. The people who make your life better, rich and full. Never, ever forget that.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Emotions.....eating me up.

Depressed. Frustrated. Stressed. Overworked. Over scheduled. Discouraged. Worried. Nervous. Anxious. Angry. Guilty. Sad. Mad. Tired.


That about sums it up. I have so much going on in my life right now I'm completely overwhelmed and just plain worn out. There is no quiet time for me right now except the gym or maybe during TKD class. There are so many emotions swirling through me right now. I'm finding it really hard to focus on my diet. Not focusing is bad. Clearly. I've made a few bad choices lately. Not a lot. But enough that I'm mad at myself. Again.

I haven't gained weight, in fact I lost a pound when I weighed in on Friday. I haven't weighed since the weekend when the bad choices took place. I'm trying to get my mind straight and focused before the cruise. I know.  A lot of you are probably thinking, what is she complaining about? She's got this vacation coming in just a few days.

The cruise is very emotional for me. My cousin,who died in March and was like my brother, and I had always talked about going on a cruise "someday". Of course that day never came and never will since he died so young. Now, our whole family is going for Thanksgiving. It is sort of a tribute to him. Don't wait. Love your family now. Don't put things off. That sort of thing.  We're going with my Aunt and her other son, his wife and daughter. My Mom, God mother and my husband and kids of course.  I am looking forward to the cruise. Some time to just rest and relax, but he will be on my mind. This first holiday season without him will be very very hard.

There are a lot of things about his death I am still struggling with. I know some of you are probably sick of this subject. But, it's my blog and if I don't get to write about my feelings, I won't be able to handle my eating.  I have a lot of guilt associated with his death. For reasons I cannot discuss here.   Intellectually I know it is misplaced. But, emotionally I'm trying to handle it. I miss him. And even now there are moments that I forget he's gone. Like the other day when I was starting to make a Christmas list and wrote his name there before I realized I won't need a gift for him this year. 

I've dealt with death before. I've lost people I loved.  But this one was different. For many reasons. For one thing he was a year younger than me. He was my friend and "brother". He had a lot of health and emotional problems that I tried to help him with.  I felt responsible for him. I wanted more for him. I feel like maybe I could have done more. I'm a doctor for goodness sakes. Of course, I did everything I could and his death was not my fault. But, those feelings are there. And they weigh heavily on me.

And then I'm worrying about my god-mother who is battling breast cancer. Luckily a cancer found when it was small, but unfortunately a very aggressive type. Her chemo treatment started. She's doing well considering. She's started losing her hair. And she's feeling pretty bad from the drugs.

On top of those very heavy topics, I am in the midst of a big computer conversion at work. It has to go well or after January our claims won't be paid and that would be BAD. So that is very stressful. Plus, I had to fire an employee and another one quit recently so we're short handed. People in the office are stressed because of all that mess. Plus the current political climate and uncertainty about Medicare and health reform are weighing on me.

Plus it's the holiday season. I have 2 kids who have birthdays and Christmas, neither of which am I in ANY mood to deal with. That produces a significant amount of Mommy guilt which just makes me feel worse.  My anniversary is in a month. 16 years and 21 together. I should be happy, but right now it feels like just one more thing I have to deal with.  Add to that stuff: TKD test coming up. School plays and parties. Yearbook orders and pictures. Boy scout activities. Blah, blah, blah.

So my mom asked me the other day if I was depressed. Apparently my Nanny has mentioned that she is worried about me. Now people are starting to notice and that's worrisome. Depressed? Probably. And that worries me since we're just now entering the time of year when my seasonal depression kicks in. I'm doing all the right things. Trying to sleep, exercise, talk and write about my feelings. I'll be OK. I've been here before. But, I'm worried I'll lose control and gain weight and that would just put me over the edge.

Yesterday I worked out with my trainer. Boy I dreaded going, but after 15 min on the elliptical my body felt good. It was a very difficult workout and I enjoyed it. It's nice to just focus on your body and I felt less stressed afterward.  I've been hungry this week. Really hungry. I don't know if it is the stress or maybe the carbs I ate over the weekend, but either way, I'm having trouble keeping my eating in control. I'm tracking, even the stuff I wish I hadn't eaten, including pumpkin bread and a brownie. There I said it. My calories were not overly bad, not more than 1300.  For now I'm staying the course. I suppose I'm learning as I go. 

I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep going and I'm not going to give up on my goals. What do you do when you are hungry and having trouble controlling it?  Or maybe that never happens to you.  Some of it is emotional, but some of it is actual hunger. Like stomach growling hunger. Are you an emotional eater? I definitely am. Especially sweets and soda. Will this ever get easier? I guess that is some of my frustration. After losing 85 pounds and 18months I am still struggling with this issue.

And now, I'm going to get back to work. Getting behind won't do anything to help my stress.

Just so Sick

Those of you that have been around my blog know I love sports. Love em. Especially College football. The events this week have just hit me hard and I am so upset by the scandal now going on at Penn State. So today's post is not really about my weight or diet, but about something far more important.   I just had to get these thoughts out.
 
For those who do not know, a former coach has been accused of child sexual abuse.  There is a grand jury indictment against him.  At least 8 boys so far and there are apparently many many more coming forward. The really upsetting part is that an assistant coach witnessed it, reported it to the head coach, Joe Paterno, who in turn reported it to his supervisor, but no one called the police or child services. That assistant wasn't even the only witness. There were others and still no one call the police.

On top of that, the guy accused was still at the school up until last week. He had an office there, worked out there with football players and was frequently on the side lines.   He ran a youth charity that was supposedly helping disadvantaged boys. And even they knew of accusations and an investigation as early as 1998, but he still was involved with the kids.

As a parent I am horrified, but sadly not surprised. This should remind all of us that PEOPLE THEY KNOW are the people our children are most at risk from.  We teach our kids about strangers, but sometimes we forget that it is almost ALWAYS a trusted person that preys on children around us. We all need to learn something from this mess. Of course you'd think the same sort of scandal in the Catholic church would have taught us already.

First we need to spend real time talking to our children about how to be safe and how to protect their bodies. We need to make sure that our kids understand that even if it is someone that they know and trust, even someone in their family, if they are touched in any way that makes them uncomfortable, they need to tell someone. The really sad part of this Penn State mess is that the first boy told and nothing happened.

Second, we as a society need to wake up. Children are hurt and abused every day. It is a sad fact and we all need to do everything we can to protect them. No matter how respected. No matter how successful. No matter how upstanding a person may appear to be, we have to take ANY accusation of abuse very very seriously.  It must be reported to authorities. The child comes first, not the reputation of the person accused. Not the institution they happen to work for or be associated with. Anyone that was involved in this coverup, knew of the abuse and did not get it stopped must be fired and no longer in charge of kids.

Even Joe Paterno needs to be gone. He knew. He knew and didn't get it stopped. I mean come on, one time you might fool yourself into believing your buddy couldn't do that, but more than one? AND you have a first hand witness that says he saw that bastard in the shower with a child and you didn't make damn sure he never touched another boy? I don't care how long you've coached, how many games you've won, how much good you've done in the past, this is inexcusable.

My son walked into the room this morning while I had on ESPN. He heard a little of the reports. I turned the TV off and we talked about this. We talked about being safe. Not being afraid to speak up when you see something really wrong. How to protect himself, even from people he knows. I encourage you to do that with all of your kids, at an age appropriate level. Don't fool yourself into believing that sort of thing doesn't happen to nice families in nice neighborhoods like mine. Don't fool yourself into believing you can recognize a pedophile by looking at them. You can't. Protect your kids.

I pray that some good comes from this by raising awareness.   I pray that those poor boys will have some comfort knowing that the bastard is going away forever and will never, ever touch another boy.   I pray that God has a special place in hell for child predators.

HOLY Crap! Earthquake!

What an eventful weekend I had!  It started out like any other football weekend with me driving to Oklahoma to see the Sooners play football. I was very excited because I was able to attend this game with my BFF and spend some girl time with her.

The drive up was uneventful. Thank goodness for DVD players. I had the girls with me as Daddy was home with brother at his band contest.  I arrived in Norman, dropped off the girls and went to pick up my BFF. Before the game we needed some lunch. We ended up at a deli near campus and I had the best soup and salad. It was so tasty. The weather was nice, a bit windy, but nice. It was a really fun day and it was that much better because I maintained control and ate on plan. On top of that we did our usual 2 mile walk there and back, so plenty of activity that day.  Of course it helped that we won the game.

Saturday night we hung out at my Aunt's house watching football and visiting. It was a good time. We had chicken wings for dinner, not the best, but I was able to resist the worst of the food. I enjoyed the football, as there were several big games that night.

Just before my BFF and her kids were ready to leave, the house started to tremble, then shake and then sway from side to side. Earthquake! That is something I never thought I'd feel and I hope to never feel again. It was so bizarre and scared the holy shit out of me. Luckily no one was hurt and there was no significant damage. We found out that it was a 5.6, the largest earthquake in Oklahoma history. Creepy. I had a lot of trouble getting to sleep after that to say the least.

Sunday morning I woke up with an asthma attack. This is getting really old. Today I'm still congested and coughing and now likely have developed a sinus infection. I had just finished my steroid taper and my ENT will likely want to start another. Sigh.....It's asthma season. What can I say?  That means I'll be skipping TKD today at noon. Just can't breathe well enough today. Hopefully by Thursday.

This afternoon I have a consultation for Lasik. I've thought about it a long time and now with all the working out I do, especilaly TKD, the glasses get in the way so much. I want to find out if I'm a good candidate or not. If not, I'll have to think about contacts or something at least for TKD. I don't wear contacts every day because of my allergies, my eyes get too itchy.

My weight is up 2 pounds from Saturday. I think it is water and fluctuations from coming off the steroids. Plus I had too much sodium over the weekend. I do not think it's "real" and I hope to see it back off which would be a 2 pound loss when I weigh in tomorrow.

I have 10 days until vacation. I'll be going on my first cruise. I'm excited and nervous about it. We decided to go on a cruise for the holidays. We know it will be a hard time as it is the first year without my cousin. We spent most holidays together. It will be fun traveling with my Aunt, Cousin, his wife, their daughter, my mom and my god-mother. My god mother has started her chemo, she'll just complete her first cycle when we leave. So far she's doing well. It will be a time to just relax and enjoy family. I'm nervous about the food, but I know I can make good choices and I'm looking forward to working out on the ship with my son. He wants to work out with me and go running on the track around the ship, which I think is most awesome.

I'm wondering if any of you have been on a cruise before.  Any tips or suggestions in general? Any ideas on how to handle the food. Everyone always says "oh the FOOD!" when they talk about cruises.  Hope you all have a great week. Stay on track!

Here come the weekend....Scale question.......Exercise goals

Friday is here.  Good news/bad news situation. Love that the weekend has arrived, but there is so much to do. Sigh.  This weekend my son has a band contest. Plus I'm headed to Norman for the OU vs A&M game. Should be a good one and that's always a good crowd. Add to that the fact that it's likely the last time we'll play them as they head for the SEC. (If you don't follow college football, Texas A&M won't be in our conference anymore)

I am planning to head up to Oklahoma tomorrow. My husband is staying here with my son and I'm going to the game with my BFF. Really looking forward to it as I haven't spent much time with her since our trip in August. She's been busy with school as she teaches high school Biology and Forensics.   Her daughter turned 16 last week and I am still in shock. I must deliver the gift, ie cash. What else would you give a teen?

Looking ahead at my schedule for the next month, I have meetings and classes nearly every day. All leading up to our big computer conversion at work. We're not changing software, but we are upgrading our versions and we have to learn how to use the new stuff. Looking forward to it as I'm hoping to start using my ipad and that means lighter tablet to haul through the office. 

On top of the work chaos with the computers it is of course flu season and people are really getting sick. Good for business, but bad. Lots of stress with the current politcal climate and uncertainty regarding proposed Medicare cuts and such. (don't get me started)

PLUS, as I mentioned in my last post I'm on my way to my purple belt in taekwondo. For those of you who don't know purple is just 3 belts from black. I have right at a month until that test.  Luckily I've been working hard and I know most of the material, now it's just a matter of getting good at it. I have to work on my jump 360 round house kick. That's a turning kick in the air. Holy crap it's hard for my old body. It's so annoying how the little kids can just spring off the mat like jumping beans and I have to work to do it. BUT, I am learning how and that amazes me.

Yesterday I once again attended 2 classes one a noon and one after work. The evening class is the same as my daughters' class so it's fun to be in class with them. After our class, my son has class so the girls and I spent some extra time working on forms while we waited on him. That means I worked out yesterday for 2.5 hours. I have class again tonight and I can't wait. So far I've kept up with my exercise every day this month goal and in the last 4 days I'll accomplish nearly 7 hours of exercise. Cool.

Today I'm wearing size 16 jeans from last year that were snug. They are form Kohl's in the "normal" section and I remember being so excited to be able to fit into them. Today they are loose which made me smile. I haven't measured in a while as I've been irritated with my up and down weight, but I plan to measure at the end of this month. I've also updated the weights on my blog and I'll be posting them again. Accountability is one of the purposes of this blog after all. I haven't done it in a while because I just didn't want to show my lack of progress, but it is what it is. I'm headed back in the right direction. That is what matters.

I have been using my fitbit ultra the last few days and I remember why I loved it. I also love the new App for my iphone, so much better than before. I think it will help me track my exercise. I have decided to use it as I think the LoseIt app may overestimate my calories burned.   Of course I still will not eat back those calories. I'm keeping my calories at around 1300 on my most active days, 1200 and under. Fitbit says I got a calorie adjustment of around 1200 for yesterday.  It adjusts for calories you burn in excess of your basal metabolic rate or the amount you burn just on a regular day, no exercise. No way I could eat an extra 1200 and lose weight!

I've got to get some new running shoes and a few more socks. I want to get back to running again on my off TKD days. I'm going to try to do that today at lunch. Also lately I've been thinking of getting a Withings scale. Does anyone have one?  It is a wireless scale that will automatically track your weight and it has a interface with LoseIt.  It looks pretty cool. Plus I saw there is a new scale that is for your iphone/ipad connected wirelessly to record weights. I find this interesting.  It certainly would prevent my habit of not recording weights I don't like.   Anyway, if you have one of these nifty newfangled fancy scales, let me know what you think of them.

And now I've GOT to get back to work. I'm trying to keep up with blogging and reading and commenting. I love hearing what all of you are up to. If I'm not following your blog, please leave a comment with a link!  What are your plans for the weekend? How much exercise have you done so far this week? Have any new exercise goals?

Let's get Started.

Can't believe it's already Wednesday night. My life is so hectic and busy these days! Halloween was relatively painless and I made it through with out much of a problem. The house is still filled with candy and so far I've resisted temptation.   The kids had a great time trick-or-treating. Of course what's not ot love about running around the neighborhood in the dark and getting free candy.

Tuesday was difficult to get the kids around, but eventually I was able to get them off to school. I attended TKD class twice on Tuesday. Great day for diet and fitness. I have about a month until my purple belt test.  Lots to do and get ready for. We'll be gone the whole week of Thanksgiving and that means I have to get as many classes in as I can. It feels really good to be able to exercise that much. Two hours in one day!  Not something I could've done in any sense of my imagination a year ago.

Today, I had a session with my trainer. We did a lot of work for my core today. Reverse crunches, lunges, squats, etc. The worst was one leg weighted squats. That is freaking hard! My legs and but are sore and burning tonight and tomorrow will probably suck. But that's what ibuprofen is for, right?   Tomorrow I plan on 2 more TKD classes.

I just can't emphasize enough how important it is to find an exercise you enjoy and love. Something that challenges you. Something that you look forward to doing. I never thought I'd have that. I never understood "runner's high" even though I knew all about the physiology. Now I've experienced it myself.  I was telling a patient that exercise was never my thing, but after doing it regularly for a while, I look forward to it. I get upset when I can't workout. She looked at me with the same expression that I used to get when people told me I needed to exercise. The glazed over, "here we go again" one.  Oh how I wish I had listened before now.

I have decreased the amount of carbs in my diet significantly. I have been reading the book Wheat Belly and I find the ideas there interesting. I certainly know that the more of these foods I eat, the more I want. It cannot be a mistake to limit them. I have been eating only carbs from fruit and even then, I am sticking to few and lower glycemic index fruits. Luckily it's apple season. And pears. Yummy. Nanny baked some apples with just cinammon and a little splenda last night. It was so tasty. Like apple pie and I didn't miss the crust at all.

Tonight she make pizza for the kids. Of course my instinct was to dive in head first. But, I didn't eat any. instead I warmed up chicken breast from the night before, steamed veggies and water. I was full and happy. Still am. Evening is a problem for me. It's my snacky time so I have to be on guard. I have been tracking my food. I still track my exercise, but I don't eat back any calories. I am starting to see the scale move down again and it is a welcome sight.

That is an accomplishment considering I'm still on steroids and I had gained a few pounds from that.  Staying away from carbs has been a struggle while on this med. It sure messes with you, but the more I avoid them, the easier it gets.  It seems like I keep learning. As time goes on and things happen, I have to make adjustments, role with the punches. That's life after all and this is a lifelong journey.

I bought the new fitbit ultra. I couldn't stand it anymore after my old one got washed twice it died.  I've missed it ever since.  The new version is purple and black and has some new features that I haven't figured out yet. I will start using it tonight.

My goal is to exercise every day this month.  Whether it is true workouts or a walk with the kids, I really want to see if I can do this. We did this in June as part of a challenge. I've found that when I work out or exercise, I'm much more likely to eat right. 

I hope all of you are staying on track. We have to steel ourselves against the oncoming onslaught that we call the holidays. This is a very dangerous time of year for healthy living. Been on guard. Give some serious thought how you're going to navigate yourself through. Planning ahead will save some serious damage. Have you thought about how you'll handle the holiday season? If not, get started.

Seriously?

Every once in a while......well....maybe more frequently than that..........I come across something that makes me stop and think, "SERIOUSLY?"  It is a moment that just doesn't make sense to me or one that makes me really stop and think. I've been jotting these down lately to share here with you. Here we go:

• A few weeks ago my husband came home with what he thought would be a nutritious drink for him and the kids. Bless his heart. He hasn't really gotten in the habit of reading labels. Here's the first thing I looked at.

And that made me think of THIS

Seriously?  The first label is from V 8 Fusion strawberry banana.  170 cal. 42g of carbs, 38g sugars.  The second picture is from Coke. 140 cal, 39g of carbs, 39 grams of sugar.  Now I will admit that at least the V8 has vitamins and is from "fruit".  But, drinking your calories is bad. Ask Jack who posted on it just today.  Packaging drinks this filled with sugar as a health drink is silly and deceptive. The lesson here?  Read your labels. SERIOUSLY.

• Why do we need candles, room spray and soaps that smell like food?  I mean every time I wash my hands at the office I get a whiff of "warm vanilla" or "homemade cookie" or "apple pie".  It's stupid to me as it makes me remember the taste and flavor of those things all day long. I mean, do I really need to smell some wonderful dessert like caramel apple all day? Seriously? What happened to a nice lavender or gardenia? Is our country that obsessed with food? Seriously?
• There are times in my job where I have to bite my tongue, smile, shake my head and try to not over react. Recently this has happened several times. Mostly on the subject of medications. There are times when we need to use medications. It is true everything comes with risks and benefits. Doctors should not over prescribe and I certainly don't want to use a medication unless it is really needed.   I just don't get a person who smokes a 1/2 pack a day and refuses to take a cholesterol lowering drug or a medication to reduce blood sugar because they don't want "chemicals" in their body.  Or how about refusing to take medications for hypertension, but asking for an antibiotic with every little sniffle.  Seriously?
• Today I was driving to work behind a mini-van with 2 car seats in the back. The TV was on some cartoon.  Seriously? As if your kids don't get enough screen time at home. And before you jump on me, I too have a TV in my van. It is reserved for long trips. There is no reason why my children cannot sit and look out a window, read a road sign or two, or perhaps TALK to me for short trips. In fact I love the time I spend with the kids in the car on the way to school or after activities. Turn the thing off. Get to know your kids. Sing a song with them. Your kids spend enough time in front of one kind of screen or another. Seriously.
• Yesterday I read this.  It is an article about a new study published in the New England Journal of Medicine that shows that there is a biological and hormonal change that takes place when we lose weight.  Seriously?  It is a very small study and had no control group, but the findings were still interesting to me. A few years ago, Leptin, a hormone produced by fat cells, was discovered.  It helps to regulate appetites and the feeling of being full and satisfied when we eat.  We thought we'd found the "cure" for obesity. Didn't turn out that way, at least not yet. But this recent study shows that patients on a very low calorie diet who lose weight do have a change in their hormone balance that could influence their ability to maintain weight loss.   This could be a key in understanding why people have such a hard time maintaining their weight loss and may explain why it is so easy to re-gain.  The more we understand the biochemistry of obesity, the more likely we can fight it.   For now, there is no pill for weight loss or to help you keep your weight off. It's just EAT RIGHT, MOVE MORE. The end. Don't wait for a miracle cure. Seriously.
• So last night at dinner we were having a conversation about the World Series and how we want the Rangers to win when my daughter said something that stopped me in my tracks.  "But, no matter who wins, it's just a game, right Mom?  I mean it's not really that important."  Seriously? I struggled to explain in a way that would make sense to a 7 year old. Of course in the grand scheme of things like life or death, baseball is not that important. But, I don't want my kids to grow up thinking everyone gets a trophy. The world is hard and competitive. These athletes have worked their whole life for this moment. They set a goal, worked hard and they are close to achieving it. Being successful is not the MOST important thing in life but it is important.  I think it is awesome that my kid sees the really valuable things in life. She understood immediately that there are more important things than a game. That makes me proud. Seriously.

What about you? Ever have a moment where you thought, "Seriously?"  Care to share it?

Changes

Here we are and it is already Wednesday!  This week has been so hectic that I can't believe it. We've had computer problems at the office which is a nightmare, especially on the cusp of flu season. Monday we had parent-teacher conferences and with 3 kids I spent a lot of time running from the office to their schools. I don't know how parents that have jobs that aren't flexible do it or with more than 3 kids! You'd have to take the whole day off.

I'm still struggling with my breathing. I am having a terrible time with my allergies and that has pretty much precluded me from being outside much. We certainly cannot sleep with the windows open, even with this nice fall weather.  Overall I feel better.  I have to admit that I am still in somewhat of a funk, but I am battling it.

I made it through my whirlwind weekend with good effort on my diet. I weighed in on Monday and I hadn't gained any weight. Today I'm down a pound. I feel like I'm back on track. I realized yesterday that I still have a lot of work to do with being consistent. I know, no news flash there. But, I found myself really amused with myself. Always in the past when I'd start a diet I'd be all about the food. I would count points or calories or whatever perfectly, but I couldn't get it together with the exercise. I hated to workout then. NOW. Totally opposite. Now I focus on working out. I love the exercise. I have not blown the eating, no way. But, my focus is so much less on the food.

This realization for me is both good and bad. The good news is that I don't sit around thinking about food. Obsessing about what I can eat. Eating all day trying to satisfy SOMETHING inside myself.   I still enjoy food. I still eat more than I should at times. But it is different now. It doesn't last nearly as long when I veer from the correct path. I don't spend days or weeks binging on fast food, buying sweets or drinking sodas. Now it's ONE soda, ONE bad meal and generally I'm back on track. That's great! And such a new thing for me.

On the other hand, I cannot lose my focus on healthy eating either. I've got to find the "sweet spot" where I can balance the two. I think I give myself too much wiggle room on my eating when I work out. I've got to focus on keeping my calories where they need to be so I can keep losing. I have to continue to be consistent for longer periods of time so I can stop this jagged weight graph I've got going here. Up, down, down, Up Up down down. Three steps forward and two steps back takes MUCH longer to get where you're trying to go.

I've been really trying to pay attention to how I feel after I eat, both physically and emotionally. It isn't news to me that when I eat carbs, I'm hungrier. But, lately I've noticed that I'm so emotionally sensitive to carbs. I feel great for a short time and then I crash into "moody me".  I've started reading the book Wheat Belly. I don't know yet how far I'll go with eliminating grains, although I've pretty much done that albeit not consistently. It's an interesting theory anyway.

One thing that I have trouble with is snacks for low carb. Other than nuts, which I love but can be higher calorie, what do you eat for snacks on low/no carb diets? Meals are no problem, but snacks are harder. I eat fruit for snack often which is fine. I try to stick to lower glycemic index fruits. But, I'm wondering what low cal, low carb snacks you all eat. 

I hope you all are focused as we speed into the holidays. I realized this morning that my husband bought several bags of candy last week. I haven't even looked to see how many or what kind. A couple of years ago I would be going to buy more candy this week after having eaten the first batch. Times change. People change. I'M CHANGING. All for the better is my goal.

Whirlwind Weekend

I am better finally and my breathing has improved. I went to TKD class last night and I made it through although it was hard. I felt better over all last night. Thanks for all the well wishes and comments from my last post. I appreciate it.

I weighed today and suffice it to say that my weight is up. Thank you, Jan, for reminding me that tracking my food really isn't that taxing and I realized I was using my sickness as an excuse. Truth be known I didn't want to write down what I was eating because some of it was stuff I shouldn't have whether I was sick or not.  I'm happy to report I'm back on track since yesterday with tracking, my water and exercise.

I got some really hard news yesterday. It seems my godmother will need chemo after all for her breast cancer. She had negative lymph nodes, thank goodness, but some of the DNA testing came back showing high risk for recurrence without chemo. She was really bummed about it and I can't say as I blame her.  It's hard being a doctor and not being able to "fix" someone you love. The good news is that with treatment her prognosis is excellent.

We have a very busy weekend ahead. Tomorrow we'll be dropping my son off at his school early so he can travel to Six Flags with his band. Then we'll drive to Oklahoma for the football game. We have a birthday party for my cousin's daughter in the afternoon. The OU game is that night. Then we'll get up super early and head back home so we can drop off the kids with Nana and the hubbie and I will be going to the Cowboys game. It will be very tiring with a lot of perilous food situations. I'm a little concerned considering my current emotional state, but I am confident I can handle it well. I'm determined because I am not going to weigh on Monday and be up anymore weight. That's not acceptable.

I was really looking forward to this game becuase we're playing the Rams and I wanted to see former Sooner Sam Bradford play. But it looks like he is injured and it's unlikely he'll play. The other down side is that the Rangers game on Saturday night is the same time as the OU game. Thank goodness for my ESPN app on my iphone. (assuming I can get some bandwidth going with the other 84,000 fans in the stadium) PLUS there is a Ranger game on Sunday evening and the football and baseball stadiums are less than a mile apart. Parking is going to be WILD and expensive and traffic a mess, BUT....it's football my dears and I will endure most anything willingly to see my favorite sport.  

I wish I could afford and could get World Series tickets, but that's not going to happen. A patient told me this week that they ended up throwing away some tickets for the ALCS because they could find anyone to buy them. AHHH! I told the patient that if that ever happened again to call me because I might buy them. What a waste. I guess tickets were easier to get this year than last otherwise I might have tried to get some myself. Last year they were ridiculous.

I am planning a TKD class after work tonight. There will be tons of walking (usually about 3 miles) for the football game on Saturday and at least a significant amount for the one Sunday. Now if I can control my eating I'll be really back on track.

Have a good weekend. What are your favorite sports? Have you ever been to a college football game? What about a NFL game? I've never been to a MLB game although I've been to many college games when I lived in Omaha for the College World Series.  Take care all!

Sick and Tired

You haven't heard from me this week. I'm sorry. It's been a really bad weekend and last few days. My son and husband were sick last week with a virus and I ended up with it. I was in bed all weekend. I don't know why I've been so unlucky lately with the illnesses. I'm taking my vitamins and sleeping and eating healthy. Sigh.


Anyway, with my asthma and my subglottic stenosis (scar tissue narrowing in my upper airway) when I get a cold or virus it hits hard and takes longer for me to recover. Any little swelling in my airway and I'm wheezy and have trouble breathing. That makes me tired since I'm working harder to breathe and the end result is I feel like crap.  I even canceled patients Monday afternoon I was just so tired and exhausted and weak. Sigh. This is not something I do often or easily, but there are days I just can't make it. Before I had my surgery on my throat the first time I was canceling often because I couldn't speak complete sentences without getting winded. Luckily I'm no where near that bad. I know I'll need surgery again sometime in the next few months, but my ENT and I are trying to wait a bit longer. It's been 2 years since the last surgery. I'm hoping I can put it off a bit longer for a variety of reasons, not least of which is I want to wait until it's bad enough to really warrant the surgery.

So that's where I've been. Sick again. I'm so bad when I'm sick. No energy to track my food or really eat right and of course no exercise. Today is the first day I feel close to normal and I'm not there yet. I haven't worked out since Friday. Until today I could've cared less. I was that tired. Today I'm starting to feel the itch to work out, especially TKD. I'll see how I feel tomorrow and think about getting back to class. I just feel better when I'm working out.  I have not weighed this week. I am not going to either.

Tonight I have a board meeting and I just can't miss it. I really wish I could since I'm still not 100% and also since tonight is the first game in the World Series. But, I have to go and I'd feel way too guilty missing another meeting. I missed last month when I had strep throat.  Luckily my 2 girls haven't gotten sick and I'm hoping they won't.

On top of being sick, I've been pretty melancholy. I didn't realize until today why that was. I realized that last week was my Aunt's birthday. Of course that's not why I've been down. But, she is the mother of my cousin that died a few months ago. He always made a huge deal of his mom's birthday. I felt bad for her which got me thinking about him and all the issues surrounding his death and.....well you get the idea. I keep telling myself that grief is a process. I'm sure you are probably sick of seeing me type about this stuff. Frankly I'm tired of dealing with it. I wish grief was like strep throat. You get it. You are miserable. It sucks, but then it's gone. I guess my cousin's death was the first one so personal and close to me. He was my age and we were so close. There are a whole lot more issues surrounding his death which I cannot discuss here. Suffice it to say, the stages of grief are real.  Anger, denial, guilt, sadness.......you get the idea.

I'm just glad that I'm starting to feel better. I want to get back on track. I will not give up. Will not.

The Last 10%

Good Morning, All!

Well, with a husband home sick and my son home sick, I much preferred coming to work this morning. Of course I'm spending my extra time here instead of catching up on work because this is WAY more fun.  My favorite way to start my day is to sip my coffee while reading all of your blogs and commenting and writing my own posts. Lately I've been so busy I haven't had time to read all I want AND post as often as I want. Ah well, do your best. That's all I can do.

Anyway, this week has been good so far. I've been carb free since Tuesday and I think it is helping. I always forget how giving up carbs makes me eat more veggies. I eat a ton of fruit, which is good, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I spend more calories on fruit and forget my veggies. Plus eating carbs makes you crave more carbs, even if it is fruit.

Last night Nanny made a salad with orange slices, olive oil, a little salt, rosemary and black olives. She saw the recipe in the Parade magazine from Sunday's paper. Let me tell you I never in a million years would have tried those flavors together, but I'll tell you it was delish. I ate 2 small slices of orange, so technically that's a little carb, but I'm pretty sure it was not eating too many oranges that made me fat.

Yesterday I did two classes for TKD. TWO! I remember a year ago it took everything I had to get through 1 hour of class, now class is over and I'm like a little kid, "AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh! Mannnnn!" I really wish I could just have one day to work out until I feel I'm done. I wonder what I could do? Another thing, JUMPING JACKS. I remember a year ago it was hard to do the 10-12 we do in class. Now they are so easy. It got me wondering how many I could do in a row. Tomorrow it is on my agenda to find out.

I was on my way to work this morning analyzing my progress. That's what I do. I was thinking about how I've done this week and wondering how much weight I'll lose this week. I weigh every day. Today I was the same as yesterday. I was thinking about this week and realized that I've followed my plan really well. That made me proud. But, then I thought about all those days over the last few months where I didn't. The days I could have done better. I could have skipped that extra snack. I could have pushed myself to workout. I could have not given in to temptation. I realized I've come a LONG way. Lately, I am in my healthy eating and exercise 90% of the time.

BUT, what about that 10%??  It's that ten percent that is holding me back. It's that one slip, one day, one bite that is keeping me from my goals. Why am I not giving 100%?  Is 90% my best? I don't think so. I know it's not. Yesterday I read a wonderful post by Jack Sh*t. I love all his posts. They usually make me laugh or giggle or roll my eyes. Sometimes reading his stuff you forget what he's achieved just because he's so funny and silly. And then there's a post like yesterday. And I literally got goose bumps. You MUST read it. I did, over and over.

His post is all about having the strength-physical and mental to stay on this path to health. He really touched me with this part about the fact that just STARTING this journey took courage:

Think about it: you get up every morning, get out of bed and face the world head-on. You accept strangers’ stares, children’s cruel comments and friends’ “helpful” advice, all with a wane smile and gentle good grace. You’ve recognized the inner demons that have put you in the state you’re in, and you’re going about doing something about it. You’re getting your life in check, as well as providing emotional support for others who are also getting their lives in check.

And I realized that no matter how many times over the last 18 months I've wanted to quit, I haven't. Not when I had to have my gallbladder out. Not when I tore the muscle in my calf. Not when I was on vacation. Not through the holidays. Not on my birthday. Not when my cousin who was really more a brother to me died. Through all that I have struggled. I have been frustrated. I have been frightened. I have been discouraged. I've seen other bloggers give up. Many of the ones that were around when I started are gone now.

But I am still here.

I am still learning. I am still trying. I am still working toward my goals. Not just the goals for the scale, but all the others. I realized yesterday that I DO have goals. Tangible ones. In the past I have been hesitant to set any goals for my health because I've never achieved any. But, now my success has made me hungry for more. I want my black belt. I want it bad. And I realized yesterday that I can do it. I will do it. I want to run a 5K. Run the whole thing with a respectable time.  I want to see my goal weight. I want to feel what it' like to be thin. I want to walk in a store and never worry about finding my size. I want to wear a bathing suit in public and feel that I look GOOD.  I want my cholesterol to be normal. I want to never worry about getting diabetes like many in my family.  And did I mention I want to get my black belt?

And yesterday I realized reading Jack's post that a little part of me has been scared I couldn't do it. 10% maybe? That little part of me has been holding me back. Afraid I can't do it. Still afraid I'll fail.  Or maybe even afraid of succeeding. This is a whole new life for me. I've never been this person. I'm in uncharted and unfamiliar territory. I have counseled many patients on how normal it is to feel that way when your body is changing so drastically and how your mind will adjust. I never thought I'd face that fear of success, but here I am.  I am realizing that I need to be stronger. I need to have courage. And as far as I've come, there is more I can do.

I also realized that 90% of the time, this healthy life is easy for me now. It comes naturally. Choosing healthy foods, tracking, drinking my water, exercising nearly daily. All that is not a struggle anymore. It is habit now. So for those of you just starting, keep going. It does get easier. It really is my lifestyle now. I really don't think about those foods that used to occupy my thoughts. I don't crave the fast food, in fact it turns my stomach. This morning I realized that the cheesecake my husband ordered for me from Jason's deli on Saturday is still in the fridge untouched. I opened the fridge, saw it sitting there and my first thought was not, "YES! There's my breakfast" as it would have been. It was, "Eww. I need to throw that out it's old."

But, still there's that 10%.

That has to be my focus now. That last little part of me that is holding me back from my goals. The few times I make poor choices. The few times I don't work out when I should. The few times I just don't feel like I want to face this struggle anymore. I have to conquer that last 10%.  Jack said it best in his post:

You’ve got to get stronger because this is a long, uphill climb, and it will take its toll on you, both mentally and physically. You’ve got to get stronger because time is not on your side, and Life will jump up and throw hurdle after hurdle after hurdle in your path. You’ve got to get stronger because me and everyone else that follows your story aren’t going to be satisfied until you reach your goals.

And that is what I plan to do. I plan to get stronger. I plan to face and conquer that 10% because I am not going to let that tiny part of me hold me back from my goals, any of them.  You cannot achieve your goals by eating right 90% of the time or exercising 90% of the time or believing 90% of the time. It takes ALL OF YOU. All of your effort. All of your courage. All of your strength. All of your belief.

What about you? Are you all in? Or are you still holding back? What is in your 10%? What are you NOT giving up or not doing that is keeping you from your goals? Let's identify it so we can change it. Let's give 100%. That's what it's going to take.

On the Bright Side........

I have written many times before about my propensity to negativity. If you don't remember, you can read about it in this post. I'm not sure where it comes from, but I feel like it must be partially biological as both my parents have depression and "issues".   I've worked very hard over the last year in trying to change my inner "self-talk" that can be so damaging.

Negative ideas and attitudes are a habit for me. I'm working very hard to try to catch them the minute they start and then turn them into positive thoughts. I'm hoping someday soon I can call myself a genuine "glass half-full" person, but right now it takes effort.  Not that I'm an unhappy person. On the contrary, I love me life. I love my family, my friends, my job, my home.  I enjoy my life and I spend most of my day happy and smiling. BUT, it's the thought pattern in my head I have to work on. Inside, I'm often plagued with "what ifs" and "if onlys". These thoughts just detract from all the things I'm thankful for.

This morning as I was driving my kid to football practice, there was a whole host of thoughts running through my brain, most of which were negative and grumpy, "I'm tired. My back hurts. I don't want to go to the gym. I wish I could just get a break. I'm too fat. Why do I have to work so hard to lose weight when other people are just thin?" And then I just.......stopped. I caught myself. I gave myself an inner shake of the shoulders and told myself to stop and turn it around. I began to thing of positive things in my life right now. And here is a list of what I came up with.

On the bright side...............

• I tried on pair of dress slacks, very cute gray ones I bought on sale a while back, that I wasn't able to come close to buttoning or zipping a couple of months ago. Now I can do both, although it is still a little snug. A few more pounds and they'll look great, just in time for cooler weather.
• My new size large lab coat is already getting too loose.
• I can kick way over my head now. 
• I can do those 60 crunches in TKD class without much effort.
• My kids are all healthy and doing well in school.
• I can wrap one of the small bath towels at the gym all the way around me now. Doesn't take 2 anymore and I'm not in danger of flashing everyone.
• I'm lucky that I can afford a membership at a nice gym with helpful people where I feel comfortable working out.
• I had a nice dry bed to sleep in last night as it was storming and pouring down rain.
• It RAINED!
• Only 40 days to my cruise.
• My son played all 4 quarters in his football game last night on the d-line. He's one of the shorter and smaller kids on the line and he was the only one to get through the line nearly every play. Almost made a sack!
• I'm close to learning all my material for the next TKD test. Now I just have to perfect it before December when I can get my purple belt.
• When a lot of people have given up and quit TKD that started with me, I have not. I'm half-way to my black belt.
• My husband continues to be supportive of my efforts at weight loss and exercise.

These are a few of the ones that popped in my mind. It's amazing what fills your mind when you push away all the negative things.

This week I've gone back to a no carb way of eating. Every once and a while when my weight loss slows or stalls, I try this and it usually jump starts my weight loss.  Yesterday I lost a pound and I'm on my way back to where I was. I'm tired of losing and regaining the same 2-3 pounds that I've been doing lately. That's not getting me where I want to be. I am taking control and I've been going back and reading my old posts to remind myself where I've been and how I got here.  I still believe that motivation doesn't just happen. You don't just wake up one day and suddenly you can do it. It takes work and focus.

I wonder how all of you manage your "down times" or your negative self talk.  Do you struggle with it as I do? Do you follow a low carb or no carb diet? What do you do when you hit a plateau? How do you keep your motivation going?

And...............Go Rangers!  Game 4 tonight!

Lazy, Happy, Weekend.

What a great weekend I had. The first time in 5 weeks I was home and I did absolutely nothing productive. Other than watch TV, particularly sports, I did nothing. I am not even feeling guilty or ashamed by it at all. It was so awesome to just be home.

Of course on Saturday the big event was the OU-Texas game, or as I like to call it....The Great Longhorn Slaughter of 2011.  What a great game my Sooners played! It was amazing and we were very very pleased. My husband and I stayed home to watch. The boy was camping and canoeing with Boy Scouts. I did indulge a bit in a little alcohol which is very rare for me, even during football these days. Then Saturday night, our Rangers won the first game in the play off series. Great weekend for sports.

I didn't spend a lot time watching sports yesterday since the baseball game got canceled and the NFL games were not of great interest to me, but I did tune in off and on. Mainly we spent yesterday watching Tivo. Poor thing is overstuffed. We watched that new show Terra Nova with the kids, it's the one with dinosaurs, and they really enjoyed it.  It was so nice to just chill out at home with the kids. It rained a lot yesterday and we needed it. We spent some time with the back door open listening to the sound of the rain.....a sound we haven't heard in a long time.  In fact we got SO much rain that my son's troop had to come home Saturday night. They got nearly 7 inches near where they were camping and not all the boys had rain gear for their tents.

Unfortunately, this morning I woke up with a migraine. All this changing barometric pressure is not great for my head.  I've taken some medicine, but I continue to struggle with it. I hate these dang migraines.  I decided to forgo the gym today and spent the time lying on the couch in my office with the lights out. I knew I had to get through the afternoon here at work. It helped a little but not much. Now I'm just counting down until I can get home to my dark bedroom.

As most of you know it is breast health month. I wrote a post on my other blog about it and you might want to check it out here.  I saw a cute post on facebook from my home town hospital's staff which was a video the made for a contest called the Pink Glove Dance. Apparently there is a contest you can enter to help raise money for breast cancer where people wear pink surgical gloves and dance. Kinda funny and I actually know a few people in the video.

There are several cute entries and you can vote for your favorite at www.pinkglovedance.com 

Have you or someone you know been affected by breast cancer? Have you ever participated in an event to raise money for breast cancer?  I haven't, but I'd like to. I know some people who did the 3 day walk, 60 miles, and I thought that was amazing. Back then it was not something I could even fathom doing, now it doesn't seem so impossible.

That's it for me on this long migraine ridden Monday. Hope you all had a good start to your week!