Depressed. Frustrated. Stressed. Overworked. Over scheduled. Discouraged. Worried. Nervous. Anxious. Angry. Guilty. Sad. Mad. Tired.
That about sums it up. I have so much going on in my life right now I'm completely overwhelmed and just plain worn out. There is no quiet time for me right now except the gym or maybe during TKD class. There are so many emotions swirling through me right now. I'm finding it really hard to focus on my diet. Not focusing is bad. Clearly. I've made a few bad choices lately. Not a lot. But enough that I'm mad at myself. Again.
I haven't gained weight, in fact I lost a pound when I weighed in on Friday. I haven't weighed since the weekend when the bad choices took place. I'm trying to get my mind straight and focused before the cruise. I know. A lot of you are probably thinking, what is she complaining about? She's got this vacation coming in just a few days.
The cruise is very emotional for me. My cousin,who died in March and was like my brother, and I had always talked about going on a cruise "someday". Of course that day never came and never will since he died so young. Now, our whole family is going for Thanksgiving. It is sort of a tribute to him. Don't wait. Love your family now. Don't put things off. That sort of thing. We're going with my Aunt and her other son, his wife and daughter. My Mom, God mother and my husband and kids of course. I am looking forward to the cruise. Some time to just rest and relax, but he will be on my mind. This first holiday season without him will be very very hard.
There are a lot of things about his death I am still struggling with. I know some of you are probably sick of this subject. But, it's my blog and if I don't get to write about my feelings, I won't be able to handle my eating. I have a lot of guilt associated with his death. For reasons I cannot discuss here. Intellectually I know it is misplaced. But, emotionally I'm trying to handle it. I miss him. And even now there are moments that I forget he's gone. Like the other day when I was starting to make a Christmas list and wrote his name there before I realized I won't need a gift for him this year.
I've dealt with death before. I've lost people I loved. But this one was different. For many reasons. For one thing he was a year younger than me. He was my friend and "brother". He had a lot of health and emotional problems that I tried to help him with. I felt responsible for him. I wanted more for him. I feel like maybe I could have done more. I'm a doctor for goodness sakes. Of course, I did everything I could and his death was not my fault. But, those feelings are there. And they weigh heavily on me.
And then I'm worrying about my god-mother who is battling breast cancer. Luckily a cancer found when it was small, but unfortunately a very aggressive type. Her chemo treatment started. She's doing well considering. She's started losing her hair. And she's feeling pretty bad from the drugs.
On top of those very heavy topics, I am in the midst of a big computer conversion at work. It has to go well or after January our claims won't be paid and that would be BAD. So that is very stressful. Plus, I had to fire an employee and another one quit recently so we're short handed. People in the office are stressed because of all that mess. Plus the current political climate and uncertainty about Medicare and health reform are weighing on me.
Plus it's the holiday season. I have 2 kids who have birthdays and Christmas, neither of which am I in ANY mood to deal with. That produces a significant amount of Mommy guilt which just makes me feel worse. My anniversary is in a month. 16 years and 21 together. I should be happy, but right now it feels like just one more thing I have to deal with. Add to that stuff: TKD test coming up. School plays and parties. Yearbook orders and pictures. Boy scout activities. Blah, blah, blah.
So my mom asked me the other day if I was depressed. Apparently my Nanny has mentioned that she is worried about me. Now people are starting to notice and that's worrisome. Depressed? Probably. And that worries me since we're just now entering the time of year when my seasonal depression kicks in. I'm doing all the right things. Trying to sleep, exercise, talk and write about my feelings. I'll be OK. I've been here before. But, I'm worried I'll lose control and gain weight and that would just put me over the edge.
Yesterday I worked out with my trainer. Boy I dreaded going, but after 15 min on the elliptical my body felt good. It was a very difficult workout and I enjoyed it. It's nice to just focus on your body and I felt less stressed afterward. I've been hungry this week. Really hungry. I don't know if it is the stress or maybe the carbs I ate over the weekend, but either way, I'm having trouble keeping my eating in control. I'm tracking, even the stuff I wish I hadn't eaten, including pumpkin bread and a brownie. There I said it. My calories were not overly bad, not more than 1300. For now I'm staying the course. I suppose I'm learning as I go.
I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep going and I'm not going to give up on my goals. What do you do when you are hungry and having trouble controlling it? Or maybe that never happens to you. Some of it is emotional, but some of it is actual hunger. Like stomach growling hunger. Are you an emotional eater? I definitely am. Especially sweets and soda. Will this ever get easier? I guess that is some of my frustration. After losing 85 pounds and 18months I am still struggling with this issue.
And now, I'm going to get back to work. Getting behind won't do anything to help my stress.
This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.