Things I Can't WAIT to Miss About Being Fat

There are things I'm noticing now about my being fat that I'd never put much thought into before now. Things that I guess either I didn't want to think about or hadn't noticed. But, now that I feel like I'm on the right path to conquering this weight business for good, I've started to compile a list of things I can't wait to miss.

1) Higher insurance premiums: I have life insurance, disability insurance and business overhead insurance all of which cost me a FORTUNE in premiums mostly due to my size. Apparently being fat is a risk of dying or getting sick. Who knew? Can't wait to call the agent and take a new physical and use the money I'll save for a trip to a beach where I can wear my new hot pink bikini.

2)Sweating: Now I'm not talking about the working out feel good kind of sweat or even the man it's hot out here sweat. I'm talking about the I get overheated very easily and sweat profusely even without much activity sweat that comes from being fat. So embarrassing. Especially at events where pictures might be taken.

3)Speaking of pictures: I can't wait to miss avoiding pictures. Hiding behind my children or other person or tree or table or anything that will hide my body.

4)Loud thigh rubbing noises: You know the one where when you walk down the hall in jeans or on the rare occasion, pantyhose and hear the swish, swish, swish of my thighs rubbing together. Not to mention the discomfort that can result from said rubbing.

5)People trying to squeeze by me in crowded restaurants: I hate it when I'm in a restaurant that is busy and crowded and jammed packed with tables. I know I'm going to be stuck in the outside chair where the skinny mini waitress has to grimace and squeeze past my chair every time she walks by while I try to shove more of myself into and under the table to get out of the way.

6)Speaking of restaurants: I can't wait to go to eat out with business associates and not feel like they are judging me for whatever I choose and then worrying they'll think I'm a pig even if I pick something healthy and I don't eat it all. I really almost hate eating in these situations.


7)Back fat: That's right. The roll that shows up on top of your bra strap and you can see through thin material and GOD FORBID a low backed dress or outfit. Ugh.

8)The way my heart skips if someone asks me how much I weigh: I hate this. It doesn't happen often as people can tell by looking at me it's too much, but occasionally for medical reasons someone asks. There's always that dead pause as I try to say something that sounds reasonable to the person asking, yet is less than the horrible truth.

9) Butt rolls: You know, that extra hanging off butt fat that hangs off when I sit on a small, usually hard and uncomfortable chair. Usually this is the worst at meetings where I have to sit in said chair for hours on end. Especially chairs that are attached to the chair next to it so the butt roll hangs over onto the chair next to me. Lord forbid it's a standing room only meeting.

10)Being the fattest mom on the field trip: There are many times when I'm the fattest in the room, or at least have been for a long time. None is worse than the field trip which is usually populated with cute little stay at home moms in tight yoga outfits or cute little capri pants talking about how busy they are and how they only had time to spend an hour at the gym today. (Sorry to generalize, but I am so tired and I guess jealous of these people)

11) My old friend the double chin: I know. We've had a long relationship, but it's time to cut the cord. Can't wait not to worry about what exact angle I can hold my head to minimize Mr. Extra Chin in social situations and pictures. Again with the pictures.

12) Standing in my closet trying to decide what outfit will make me look the least fat: I swear it takes me twice as long to get dressed when I have to stand there thinking "Do these fit or are these the pants that won't stay zipped when I sit down?"

This is still a work in progress. Any additional things you either can't wait to miss OR don't miss about being fat?

Weekend Wrap Up

Friday was a great day for the most part. I woke up feeling pretty energetic. I did my C25K running and was able to complete it. I weighed in having lost weight and I felt good about myself. I waded through my closet and found a pair of jeans I haven't worn in 3 years. They fit! AND they were loose. Glad I found them because they won't fit for long. Yeah!




Sorry for the butt shot, but I was so proud, I couldn't resist. Hee hee!

And with that I realized that there are no clothes in my closet I can't wear anymore. That's' amazing. I can now wear the 18 pants and skirts which are the smallest sizes I own. That feels very good. I cleaned out some of the largest things and gave them to my cousin to see if his wife can use any of them. Feels so good to really see results outside of those numbers on the scale. Yesterday I wore a size 18/20 shirt I haven't worn in probably 3 years. It fit great, if not a little loose. I find it amazing.

Saturday was my daughter's birthday party. Can't believe she is 6 now! I woke up early and had plenty to do. After being sick last weekend and half-sick most of last week, I had a lot to do. I didn't workout, but got plenty of exercise cleaning up outside. Sweeping and weeding and mulching and getting the pool ready and such. Then the indoor work with dishes and dusting and cleaning the floors. Then it was off to pick up the cake. It was soooo cute!



Instead of buying a big jug of ice cream, I bought little cups of ice cream and just enough for the kids. We had hot dogs on the grill for the kiddos. I made sausages for the grown ups. I had my chicken apple sausage from Costco, no bun. It is tasty and just 180 calories per link. I made a huge fresh fruit salad. The kids had chips, but I passed. Overall eating on Saturday was a success. And then...

Time to cut the cake. I LOVE BIRTHDAY CAKE. Love it. No really, I love that stuff. I admit that I had a small piece. Luckily I had just a fruit smoothie at lunch which was only 260 calories, so I had room in my budget. I probably had more icing than I should have as I did lick my fingers after cutting pieces for all the guests. But, I count this as a success because in the past I would have eaten a WAY larger slice AND ice cream AND licked all the icing off the cardboard thingy the cake came on WHICH I DIDN'T, but instead threw it immediately into the trash. Smile.

Alas, my weight was up a little on Sunday am, likely due to the sodium and not getting enough water in all my rushing around. Yesterday was spent cleaning up after the party, laundry and such. Took my son, who is almost 13 *gulp* school shopping yesterday and bought him some jeans and shoes. Aren't kids WAY expensive! The girls are on the agenda for next weekend while brother is on a camping trip with his boy scout troop.

Dinner last night was taco salad. Quite tasty with re-fried fat free black beans and a few baked Tostitos on top. Loves me some Mexican food and this hits the spot without the trip to the death trap they call El Chico's. Last night wrapped up with an evening swim. Did 500 meters in my little pool, which is 50 laps. Then, poolside crunches. I had to skip the push ups as I have tendinitis in my elbow and after all the work on Saturday it was flared up again.

It is really frustrating me as it is starting to limit my weight training. I plan on going in and visiting my friend the Orthopedist for a shot this week. I am a wimp and not looking forward to it as I know it will hurt. But, I want to be able to train and keep up my push ups. I can now do 20 real ones in a row followed by 30 girlie ones. I am working on getting up to 100 real ones and I have an iPhone app to help me, but don't want to start until this elbow is fixed.

And now we're off to the Monday grind. Weight still up a little from the fun and busy weekend, but I am not worried as I know it is mostly water from the sodium. My wedding ring is fitting this morning as proof. We'll soon just HAVE to upgrade that thing as it doesn't fit very well anymore. Oh darn, new diamonds. Ha! I'll drink lots of water today so the scale will be back down soon, hopefully. Plan the gym at noon for cardio as I had to do some work from Friday before hitting the office this am. Hope your weekend was fun and productive and week is the same!

Follow up to Yesterday's Rant

Overall the rant from yesterday was well received. If you haven't read it, please do. I feel I need to clarify a few things. First, I don't hate those shaper shoes. Some people use them and like them and feel like they help. But, wearing them to work isn't exercise. It's not. People need to understand that. And, they can hurt people especially older people with poor balance.

Second, I was not in any way saying that WLS or lap band is not useful. It is a tool like any of the other tools we can use to lose weight. I have and will recommend WLS to patients when the risks are outweighed by the benefits the surgery might bring. It is a surgery with very real risks. I recommended it just recently for a patient who is diabetic, has high blood pressure and weighs nearly 400 pounds. He had a stroke last year. He has a heart blockage, but he is too big to fit on a cath table so we can't even know for sure where the blockage is or fix it. He is 2 years older than me.

Having lap band is a personal choice. I don't feel the risks outweigh the benefits in my case at this point. Being a doctor, I know all the bad stuff. I've seen it and sometimes that's bad. That's my own personal fear. You see, I own my own business. There is no sick leave in my world. Although I have disability insurance and all that, I have 20 employees working for me who do not. Their families depend on me being at work. If I'm not working, we make no money, they don't get paid. If I were to have the surgery and god forbid end up in ICU for 3 weeks as I have seen happen more than once, it would be devastating financially to me and to them.

I don't have diabetes, heart problems or high blood pressure. I'm lucky because I'm just fat. So at this point, surgery isn't worth it to me. But that's me and everybody has to make their own choices in this area.

My point about all of us as bloggers was only to remind us that we are here with a problem. Just like in AA, you have people who've been at it longer, the "sponsor" who can recognize the BS and call you out on it. We all need to remember our responsibility to each other. Let's not enable each other. There's a difference between:
1) A lapse at one meal or one day or even one week and getting back on track with a good attitude and

2)Eating badly day after day, missing exercise habitually and then being upset because you don't lose.

My son cam home from camp and said he learned something from his leader. He said, "KP duty is just about as hard as you make it." Now, he's 12 so his interpretation was "Don't make a big mess and it'll be easier to clean up." But when he said it to me it stopped me in my tracks. This is a VERY important life lesson. Maybe one of THE MOST important. So I sat him down and explained the deeper meaning.

To me, this means that you can whine and bitch and complain about how hard it is and how long it will take and how gross the mess is, or you can approach it with a smile, acknowledge it will be hard, but be confident that you can clean it up in a jiff and be on your way. My 12 year old son got it. Do you?

Losing weight is hard. It's damn hard and it takes a long time. But, sometimes I think we make it harder than it really is. I know I have and sometimes do. We make it so big in our minds, we talk ourselves into thinking it can't be done.

This was me a few months ago. About 3 weeks into this change, like clockwork, I had a small gain. And like clockwork, the petulant child inside me started in. Like my 3 year old daughter frustrated as she tried to learn how to button up her jammies, I mentally stomped my feet and said, "It's just too hard! I'll never be able to do this! It's stupid! I'm stupid! It's not fair!" I don't know why I did it. But on my facebook page there appeared a post from the LoseIt program I use about a blogger who'd done a review. I clicked on it. I read his story. He'd lost almost 200 pounds. From his blog I found others and as I sat there with tears in my eyes I realized that if they can do it, then DAMN IT so can I.

And, that was a turning point for me. I found Sean, a fellow Okie, BTW, who was over 500 pounds and lost weight. He was twice what my heaviest was. It Wowed me. I read and read. I was scared to start a blog. But found myself thinking things in my head I could share and wanted to tell these people I imagined that were becoming my friends. So I sent Jack Sh*t an email and asked him how to start. He replied with in minutes. That impressed me so much. And here I am.

I'm not perfect. I don't have all the answers. I appreciate all the help I've gotten from my blog friends. This is a process. It doesn't happen overnight. BUT, I know TODAY I woke up and did my C25K week 6 day 2 and when I weighed in I'd lost another 2.4 pounds bringing my total to 32.2 pounds lost. Something I've never done before. Ever.

This is a Rant. Sorry.

As a physician I deal with people wanting to lose weight every single day. I counsel them on diet and exercise. I try to be empathetic. I try to listen and give them practical and reasonable advice.

It is a double edged sword for me. I am overweight. For some patients, this decreases my credibility. They think I'm telling them to do things I don't do. At times in my life, that's been correct. But not now.

For others, it increases my credibility. They know I struggle. They know I don't want to exercise sometimes. They know I enjoy food. They know I have genetics stacked against me. They see me doing things, it makes them realize they can too.

Here's the deal: There is no magic pill. There's not. There is no magic program. There is no magic surgery. There's not. I'm a freaking doctor and if there were, I'd be the first to get it. Hell, I'd probably get it free because the drug companies would be sampling it. I've had surgeons offer to do surgery on me and waive their fee. There is no easy answer. There's just not.

I have been reading some blogs lately by people who've either had gastric surgery, especially the lap band, or are considering it. I'm not saying the surgery is wrong or bad or people shouldn't do it. But it isn't an easier or faster way out. It's not. I've had patients have the surgery and lose weight. They exercise. They eat healthy foods. I've had others lose weight and gain it all back. ALL. OF. IT. I have patients have the surgery and lose only 15-20 pounds. Are you freaking kidding me?

I have a patient who had the surgery. She weighed over 300 pounds. She's lost 150. She was beautiful before, she is now. She has hanging fat everywhere. She hates her body. She's developed nearly an addiction to exercise, in a bad way. She's developed practically an eating disorder because she eats very little. She is depressed and miserable. Still. She like so many others thought all their problems would be solved by losing weight. Their life would be changed. They would be happy.

Here's the deal: Losing weight will not make you happy. You make you happy. Should we lose weight and be healthy? ABSOLUTELY. Will it answer all your problems? No. Not if you don't do the emotional work. Read the blogs of the most successful losers. You'll see.

I just can't read anymore blogs of people with the lap band who write they did well because they only had chicken nuggets for lunch. Or they only ate a mini snickers for snack instead of the whole one they used to. Or they ate a small blizzard for dinner and was only 300 calories. OMG. I just can't.

Or they go through the cost physically and financially to have the surgery, but they just can't find time or get motivated to spend 30 freaking minutes to exercise.

Really, you don't have time? I'm so tired of this excuse. I can't take it anymore. I work 40+hours a week. I run my own business. I serve on the board of a hospital. I have 3 kids and a dog and a gecko and a turtle and a house and a yard. We have tae kwon do and football and band and boy scouts and soon girl scouts and 3 kids in 3 different schools. Now talk to me about time. Everyone has time. It's just how you choose to use it. I literally have to sit down and each week figure out when I can work out, when I can go to the gym. And then I do it. Nearly every day. For nearly 5 months now. (cool huh?)

And if one more person tells me that they bought those Shaper Shoes so that will help them, I might lose it for sure. OMG. Just wearing those shoes does not equal exercise. It doesn't. Unless you are wearing them to exercise. In which case, good luck. I hope you don't fall and break your ankle.

I am empathetic to people. I am. For goodness sake, I am just beginning here. I've only lost 30 of the 100 I need to lose. I have a long way to go. I'm an expert on the facts on how to lose weight and healthy diet, lifestyle, and obesity related diseases. I'm not an expert in losing weight. There are many people who've done much more than me in this area. I'm just really having a hard time with the excuses. All day long they're there.

And I guess since I've tried really hard to recognize the rationalizations on why losing weight is too hard when I use them on myself, I see them that much more now in others. The excuses. The "reasons" why right now isn't a good time. It's too stressful. I have too much going on. I'll start as soon as this project is done. As soon as the kids are in school. As soon as we sell this house. I'll start right after vacation. After my birthday, I want to enjoy my party. After my daughter's wedding. Later. Later. Later.

Here's what I know for sure: It will never be simple. It will never be easy. There will never be the perfect time. There will always be something stressful. There will always be another celebration. There will always be something because the only thing stopping you is YOU. Until you get YOU out of the way and change your attitude and thinking, it's not gonna happen.

No one can do it for you.

I'm sorry for sounding "mean". I know that has been a topic around here and I don't want to offend anyone. But, sometimes I feel like this is the blind leading the blind on these blogs. Sometimes people need to hear the truth. I know I did. I still do sometimes. You can't always say, "Don't beat yourself up. You're doing your best. Those slip ups are in the past." That's just enabling sometimes.

So, I want to challenge all my wonderful and helpful followers to feel free to kick me in the pants if you start seeing any of those rationalizations or excuses come through on my blog. I'm working really hard on getting those things out of my self-talk and vocabulary for good. I am unbelievably thankful for finding this blogging world where people know, really, really know what I've been through and am going through and are where I want to be.

But, even with all your help and support, I'm the one who has lost 30 pounds. I'm the one that dragged my wheezing ass up the stairs to bike and lift weights this morning when I really, really was tired and still feel a little sick. When all the excuses that rushed in on me this morning hit me, I pushed them out. I said no. It is incredibly empowering.

No one can do this for me. No matter how much they care about me.

Have you gotten YOU out of the way yet?

Wednesday Weigh In. Cough Cough

Well, I am feeling a lot better. Still hacking and coughing, but it is better. I have asthma and it does flare up if I get a cold. That on top of the blockage in my airway, and I've had some trouble talking. It's really hard to talk to patients all day when you can't get enough air. But, it's better so I guess I'll be thankful for that.

I woke up this morning and my body was craving exercise. I hadn't worked out since last Friday. Even though my lungs weren't sure it was a good idea, I forced myself upstairs to the bike. I rode a 6 mile program, an easier one than I've been doing lately, but I didn't want to push it too much. Did my floor work- push ups 20 real ones, 30 girlie, 100 crunches, 60 second plank, 50 reverse crunches, 50 bridges. I actually felt pretty good after, tired, but good.

My weigh in was ok. I lost 1.4. I'm still a little higher than I was 2 weeks ago and probably would have lost more if it weren't for getting sick. I've had half a bag of Hall's cough drops. Sure that didn't help. But, they help keep my throat and voice from giving out on me.

I have guests coming tonight. Family for my daughter's 6th birthday. But, they're low maintenance family so shouldn't be too big of a deal. Spent my lunch hour today running around in this hideous heat to 4 different bakeries to find the right cake for her party. She wanted a certain princess cake and she's been asking for it since like February. It never occurred to me that they might quit making a cake, but 3 of the 4 places either didn't have it or never did. Wal-Mart had the princess castle cake. Thank God. I still have to get her present. I've decided that when I have to think this hard on what to get my kids then they don't need anything.

After running around in the heat, I was not hungry for lunch. However, I knew that when I left the office there was a big ole birthday cake from someone's birthday today. I love birthday cake. Love it. White cake with butter cream icing. YUUUH-UMMMM! So, I knew better than to come back to the office without eating something. I stopped by the yogurt place and got yogurt with fresh black berries, strawberries, and blueberries. It was tasty! I made it past the birthday cake with only one teeny tiny bite. I hope I fair that well on Saturday at my daughter's party.

How do you handle "occasions"? Most of the time I can ignore the office crap-cookies, candy, cakes, etc. But, I will probably have a harder time passing up birthday cake. Remember I said I love it.

I got an award!

Today I received my first ever blogger award. I'm totally pysched, well as pysched as a half sick person can be. Thanks to Michele for nominating me.

I am supposed to
1) Thank the person that gave me the award. Thanks!
2) Share 7 things about myself.
3) Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs.
Here goes:

1) I hate being sick. That whole doctors make the worst patients-COMPLETELY TRUE.

2) Three years ago I was diagnosed with sub-glottic stenosis. Don't you love doctor speak? That means that I have scar tissue that grows in my upper airway and blocks airflow. I've had to have surgery 3 times to have it removed. The only thing besides surgery which works is prednisone, a steroid. Thus, my battle with weight has been even more frustrating for me in light of this problem. (See #1). It is back. I don't want to have surgery again. I'm hoping that with diet and exercise I can avoid having the surgery, but I absolutely refuse to do any more steroids unless I have to. Like I mean I'm dying. I was on them 6 months last year and gained back all the weight I'd lost, 20 + pounds.

3) I have 3 fabulous kids. One boy, 12 going on pubescent attitude from hell. One girl, 5 almost 6 (next week) and another girl 4 and 1/2. They are the light of my life and the most exhausting thing in my life. Wouldn't have it any other way.

4) I love TV. Love it. I watch way too many shows. Thank God for TIVO. We watch True Blood, Friday Night Lights, Chuck, Vampire Diaries, Entourage, Weeds, Rescue Me, Sons of Anarchy, and a whole bunch of others. TV time is time my husband and I share when kids are in bed. I love shows with twisted plots and violence.

5)I love to read on the elliptical. Well, I love to read anywhere, but I really like to on the elliptical. This reduces the pain and torture of this hideous machine.

6)I've been with my husband 20 years this year, we've been married 15 of those years. He's the reason I am a doctor. I had dreamed of being a doctor my whole life. In one of my moods of self-pity, I almost didn't apply to medical school. He convinced me that I had to at least try. If I didn't get in, we'd deal with it. I got in.

7) I am a sports junkie. No, really. I'm a junkie. I watch ESPN ad nauseum. I listen to sports talk radio all day. I read the sports pages in the paper. My favorite is football and PRE-SEASON NFL STARTS THIS WEEKEND! I am super-dee-duper excited because I love football and I miss it so much when it is gone. We have season tickets to my alma mater and go back for all the games. So expect to hear more about football here on this blog.

Now for the 15 blogs- I'm not sure I can do 15 as I am new to blogging and all the blogs are newly discovered to me. Here's a few I'll nominate:
1)Massive Marcus
2)Losing Harry
3)Losing it: The Weight loss Journals of a Significantly Smaller Badass
4)Nutmeg Notebook
5)Pounds Off Playoff

All the rest I follow are either well known to everybody here or already been nominated. So that will have to suffice. Thanks again for the award

I have the metabolism of a slug. An obese slug.

I was sick all weekend. I was in bed all weekend. I drank water. I ate toast, saltine crackers and soup. I gained a pound. This seems exceedingly unfair as I did not eat anything other than the above mentioned foods. I did drink sprite twice. I did have hot tea with honey and BOY does honey have calories. I guess I'd never read the label on honey before this weekend. I mean it makes sense that it is high in calories as it is, in fact, straight sugar. I think it is a victory and proof that I am a new person that even when sick, I checked the label on the damn stuff. And I recorded my calories. And I gained a pound. Whatever.

My throat was so sore. My nose was so runny. My cough was so...coughy? And today I am at work trying to see patients with no voice. I sound worse than most of them do, but my NP is on vacation and I have no back up. Such is the life of a solo FP. I am not running fever any more so I am not putting them in jeopardy. I am just tired and well...still sick. So I'm going home to nap. And me and my non-existent metabolism are going to have yet more chicken noodle soup, the healthier, low sodium kind. So I can come back to work and finish my day.

So what do you do when you're sick? Do you eat steamed veggies and salad? Because frankly I can't stomach even the thought of vegetables right now. I. Just. Can't. And my weekend workout plans, out the door. I didn't work out this morning either, although I felt like it after my shower. I feel guilty because I haven't worked out in 3 days. I really wanted to go for a long run on Sunday. Had it all planned. You know what they say about the best laid plans? But, alas, I am still human. I am not a diet and exercise automaton, although there are plenty of times I wish I was.