The Most True Award EVER.

I don't know if I'm versatile or sweet or if I have substance.  But, I am definitely hungry. And this award is the most fitting of them all.



I'm hungry in the true sense of the word. Hungry for things I shouldn't have. Hungry for things bad for me, but also things good.

I'm HUNGRY to be fit. I'm hungry to be healthy. I'm hungry to re-learn old and dangerous habits. I'm hungry to exercise. I'm hungry to run longer and faster. I'm hungry to do things I never thought I could do before.

I'm HUNGRY to buy new clothes in stores where my skinny friends can buy something other than jewelry.

I'm hungry for the feeling you get when you know you've done SOMETHING BIG.

I'm hungry to discover something new about me. I'm hungry to remember old familar things about me.

I'm HUNGRY to be a good example for my kids. I'm hungry to be an example for my patients.

I'm hungry to be PROUD of the way I look and feel.

I'm HUNGRY for a life time of being hungry for MORE life and MORE of everything good.

I'm SO HUNGRY for all these things that I'm going to ignore that part of me that is hungry for the cake someone just brought in here.


You're right Allan. I am SOO hungry. Thanks for this award.

What about the rest of you? Are you hungry ENOUGH?

Only the Genuine.

There's a lot I've learned in life. As a physician, I see a side of people that very few see. People tell me things. I've learned a lot about people in general in my job. I can read people. It's a gift and a curse.  I was watching that show, "Lie to Me" last night. I found it entertaining. There is truth to it. There are things I was taught in medical school by a very wise psychiatrist about non-verbal behaviors. And there are more things I've learned over the last 14 years of my career.


One of the most important things I've learned is to surround yourself with only genuine people. I don't mean only the nicest. I don't mean only the most caring, although those traits are nice. But, with genuine people you get what they say you get. They are what they are. Sometimes that means they are nice and caring. Sometimes it means they are tough and selfish. But, you always know what you'll get with them. They don't play games. They don't pretend one thing and turn around and do another.

These sorts of genuine people are rare. Unfortunately, most of us learn to play games at an early age. We learn to lie and pretend. Say one thing, do another.  Say one thing while thinking another. Not that there aren't times when a "little white lie" isn't acceptable. Like when I tell my daughter the messy painting is beautiful and I can TOTALLY tell that big brown smudge is the tree. Genuine people tell you the truth. Genuine people who tell you the truth and care about you are rare gems. When you find them, don't let them go.

I've lost friends I thought were genuine. Maybe they thought the same from me. I don't have a lot of close friends that I trust with all of me. I think that is just smart. As a fat girl who never felt liked, I tried hard, sometimes too hard to be liked. I cooked. I cleaned. I volunteered. I loaned money.  I laughed at jokes I didn't get. I was the brunt of a lot of jokes I did get and didn't like.

But now. Things are different. I've discovered me. Genuine me. I like me. I'm smart. I'm caring. I'm talented.  I'm powerful. I'm liked. I'm disliked. I'm jealous. People are jealous of me. I don't have everything, but I have everything important.

I don't miss those people I've lost. I appreciate what they were for me at the time. We served a purpose for each other on this journey of life. And now, I've moved on. I doubt they miss me either. Once you have kids, everything else seems silly. The purpose of your life is to teach these little people how to be genuine. And how do you do that?

By being genuine.


And it's OK to leave things or people behind that are keeping you from being your genuine self.  It's OK, in fact it is absolutely necessary that you make mistakes. The genuine you is not the perfect idea of you in your head. It's the real you. The only one that really matters.

There is a difference between being selfish and being genuine. Being selfish means doing what you want whether it is genuine or not. Being genuine means sometimes you have to be self-less. Sometimes selfish.

Live your life to be genuine. Whatever that is for you. Only you can answer that question. Only you can discover that truth. There is no book or person or job or goal weight or thing that can fulfill your destiny of  being genuine. You can do whatever you dream. Just make sure your dream is genuine and puts you closer to the genuine you. You, my friend, are enough for you.

Have you realized it yet?

No way! and I did it!

Well, 4 days post op and I feel a little better. The pain is less and I require less pain meds. Which is good since they make me drunk and dizzy. I worked out this morning. Well, I took a shower without help. So, that's my workout for today. I am sitting up in bed and watching bad movies on cable.

I weighed this am and I'm down to below pre-surgery weight. I weighed 213.2 this am. It makes me sick to type that because it is still up 3.6 pounds or so. I'm having trouble with math right now. I did decide to quit the sprite now. I feel better. So instead I had hot tea. I'll do this and water. I like honey in my tea, but splenda will do and that will decrease my calories.

I POOPED!  I know you've all been waiting with baited breath to hear this news. It wasn't much, but it helped. I am less bloaty and that helps me feel a lot better.Maybe all this poop talk is why I lost a follower? If so, I'm sorry, but when you spend all day talking about certain things they don't seem like that big a deal anymore.

I WON!  Jae over at I found it at the Marathon had a give away and I won! I won an itunes gift care which is awesome because as as soon as I can I'll be running again and I can always use some new tunes. I like angry music to run to. Any ideas?  What's funny is I didn't even know I was entering. I was just reading and commenting cause that's what I do. I'm more interested in your stories than give aways, but hey, free stuff is awesome.  If you haven't seen her blog, check it out. She's funny and a great writer and she ran a friggin marathon! Holy crap! Now that's courage.

I try to read and comment on as many blogs as I can each day. If I haven't on yours yet, don't take it personally. I went through and marked almost all of the hot 100 as blogs I follow. I'm trying to read and encourage as many people as I have time to. Right now, I have a lot of time if I'm awake and coherent. Which is iffy sometimes. I know not everyone will like me. I don't like everyone either. I'm here to get healthy. I'm here to be fit. Blogging is a tool to help me do that. I hope I can help some of you get where you want to be.

And, yes, I'm being selfish by following those that I get the most out of. You all should do the same. Find blogs that speak to you in some way. Then read them everyday and Comment. Whether I have 3 followers or 300, your comments mean a lot to me. We need each other here. We all have days that are harder than others. You never know when a little comment will keep someone on track. I love it when new people comment on my blog. I love getting to know new people and helping people just starting out. I have a lot more weight to lose. I need you people. So, my way of paying you back is to read and comment and I hope it helps.

So get busy people! I am tracking my calories and blogging and commenting even though I'm sick. What have you done today to help yourself be healthy??

OK. I'm Tired of this Crap

Still feel like crap.  Still really tired and weak. My belly pain is getting better. Still no #2. I hate being sick. I really don't deal with it well. I don't like being helpless. I haven't showered today, that's the big agenda item for today.  Husband took my son to the Cowboys game. Now they better win or I'll be really pissed.

I've been drinking a lot of water and I weighed this morning and I've lost 2 pounds. It's all fluid I'm sure. I have been watching a lot of TIVO and TV and reading a little although the pain pills make me dizzy.  I'm trying to decrease my usage and taking them less often. I don't mind the just be still and it won't hurt too bad pain. BUT, the I can't breathe without a sharp knife stabbing me pain is annoying.

It kinda pisses me off how we have like 800 channels and nothing good on, but the football game starts soon. Hope you all have a great Sunday and I hope you are eating right, drinking water and moving.  Thanks for all the well wishes. They are appreciated.

Saturday and Drug induced bliss

I do not in any way condone using drugs improperly, but I gotta tell you getting an organ removed is a justified reason AND they sure do work. I am tired and sleepy, but feel a little better. I slept 7 hours with only 3 interruptions. That was a great improvement over the last 2 nights where I was up every hour. My wonderful hubby is taking such good care of me. My girls keep wanting to see my belly and the boo boos. I guess I don't need to worry about wound infection since they look at it 3-4 times a day.

I ate fettuccine Alfredo last night without guilt. I only ate 1/2 cup and 1/2 cup of pasta and pesto. I even was able to eat a few bites of salad. It's amazing to me how much I miss veggies.  For snack I had gold fish. Thank God for goldfish crackers. I drank a sprite, but mostly I had water because it tastes better for the most part. My nanny made me an apple crisp. I ate some with fat free vanilla yogurt.  It was healthy dessert since the crisp was made with splenda and low fat cinnamon graham crackers. It tasted so great!  I ended up with 1627 calories which is way more than I usually do. My LoseIt says I shouldn't have more than 1300 for 2 pounds a week loss. Obviously I didn't exercise.

I got up this am and had cheerios. I'm not sure that was too smart. We'll see. Also had a little coffee and it tasted good. but, my belly is starting to hurt. Still waiting on #2 to happen. I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats and wondering so I'll keep you posted. Sorry for TMI. You have to remember I talk about this stuff with patients all day. Good news is my hydration is improving. My pee is almost clear again.

I actually got up and moved around a little this am, straightened up and sorted through some mail, but about 40 min was all I could stand and now I'm back to bed. Hope you all have a great weekend. Do something active for me since I can't. My mom took the kiddos to the Texas fair and I'm sure they'll be stuffed with friend nastiness and filthy but happy when they get home. Hubby and I are going to watch some TIVO. I love TIVO. If I wasn't already happily married, I might just marry my TIVO. It's an HD dual tuner TIVO and can record 500 hours. Ha ha. Now I know you're jealous. The perks of being married to an engineer and techno geek. I love geeks!  They are awesome.

I'm sure we'll watch some football at some point this weekend. OU has a bye, but there are plenty of good games. GO COCKS!  I'm not a huge South Carolina fan, but there's nothing more fun than screaming, "Hit em hard Cocks!" or "Score, Cocks, Score!"  Plus they're playing the Tide and it'd be nice to see them go down.

I am a little bummed as I have tickets to the Boys game tomorrow. We play the Titans, but I seriously doubt I'll feel like going. That means that my husband will take the Boy. He's excited as he hasn't been to the Death Star yet. So, they'll have some male bonding. As if my nearly 13 year old needs a reason for his testosterone to spike. Lord. I'm not ready for all that.

Anyway, have a super weekend. I will as long as I keep the pain pills coming. Unbelievable how bad it hurts. I don't even want to think about how bad the old procedure would be where they open you up. Ack.

Eat right and move! I mean it!!

Hot 100 Update

Well, my week sucked, but then I did have an organ removed. I actually tracked my calories today even with my drug induced stupor. I've had around 300 cals so far. I'm having pasta for dinner, so at least I've saved room. If I can do it so can you. Did you?  I see a lot of posts where people are rocking this challenge, but a lot where the effort isn't all there yet. We need to buckle down now. Time stands still for none of us. 100 days isn't that long and they are whizzing by!

My goals are:
1. Be under 199 by the end of the challenge: Well since the surgery I've gained and I weigh 216. Ass hole scale!  But, a lot of this is sodium as I am dehydrated and I've been trying to drink water. So glad water doesn't taste like an old penny anymore.
2. Run a 5K-this I will do. My BFF and I are registering for one this weekend and it is Nov 14th, so I'll be able to do it by then. Still super de duper sore from surgery. Just walking to the BR is a work out right now.
3.  Wear a size 12 jeans- See #1, not back on the track there yet.
4.Get my yellow belt in TKD-umm...yeah no class right now. Maybe next Thursday, but we'll see how it goes. May be another week before I can even think about going there.
5. Do the 100 push ups and 200 sit ups 3 times a week: Ha ha ha ha ha ha.  Nope.

I'm most depressed about the weight gain. I was 209 a few weeks ago. Now I'm 216 and I'm pissed. I know most of it isn't "real weight" because I haven't pooped in 3 days. And I am really dehydrated. At least I plan to try to eat some veggies at dinner tonight. I still can't eat meat and that means, carbs. My body is so sensitive to them and I know that's a problem. But, I have to survive and heal now. I hate sounding like a whiny excuse puke mouth. Sigh. 

Well, I'll just keep keeping on. What else can I do?  See ya'll tomorrow.

Ouch! TWENTY-NINE!! And a lot of cursing.

Warning. I enjoy cursing. I'm sorry, but I do. It's a vice and it costs me absolutely no calories and I don't have to spend any time on the elliptical to pay for it so I don't see any motivation to make myself stop. I only use the nasties in appropriate situations and frankly, there are times when no other words will do. If you have tender ears or is it eyeballs?  Hell, I don't know. But, if you don't like foul language, you might not want to read this.

I can only tackle one  addiction at a time.  My Mom who is also my office manager (did you guys know this?)  threatened to bring back the cursing jar a few weeks ago where we had to put in a quarter every time we used a bad word. I told her , "Fine with me. I'll just put a fifty in and pre-pay for the next month."


It's like alcoholics who refuse to quit smoking. Only I'm pretty sure there's no associated cancer risk AND there's no second-hand cursing rash or infection or cancer to those around me.  In fact, some people might argue that holding my anger and curses inside might put me at risk for bad stuff such as heart attack and cancer from repressing. So actually, saying Fuck a few times a day, might in fact result in reduction of long term morbidity and mortality. Maybe I should design a double blinded placebo controlled study on that.  I could call it

Finding Unexpressed Cursing Kills: The Healthy Attitudes Trial or F.U.C.K. T.H.A.T

Everyone knows to find funding you have to have a snazzy title.

Now you know why George Carlin was my idol, may he rest in peace, or better yet, I hope he's not resting anywhere and that he's just rotting since that's what he believed and all that. Whatever works for you I always say.


Apparently King Allan is in charge of who gets to use the f-word. So I'm hopping permission is granted because Fuck! It hurts. And if not, too fucking bad.  It is exactly the pain I've been having for the last month only 1000 times worse. Thank the Vicodin Gods as it is keeping me sane. It doesn't take the pain away, but it helps. I've been reading some blogs and trying to keep my mind off shit.

No really. I'm trying not to think about the fact that I'm going to have to at some point take a crap and get rid of all the shit I ate last night. Thanks for that little reminder, Allan. I'm dreading that little trip to the BR because just number 1 is bad enough. And to top it off, Allan refused to Fed Ex me one of his big ass special New York Bagels. Selfish Bastard.

(I'm kidding of course. I love Allan. I get him. I think it's sad that I have to explain that I'm joking, but I'm pretty sure if i don't I'll find this posted on some chick's blog as proof for what an asshole he is.I am not referring to anyone in particular. Don't get me pissed and can't we all be adults?)

And to add insult to injury....



Apparently I gained 4 pounds in surgery. That's freakin bullshit man.  I think that whatever twisted bastard put my genes together got me and the Amazon Tree Sloth mixed up. Let me get this straight, you remove a fucking organ and I gain weight. Of course they pumped me full of  2 liters of Saline and what feels like enough air to fill all the tires on my fucking van. Plus the whole, I don't wanna pee or poo could be playing a role.  I'm blaming the surgeon dammit. I'm totally suing his ass. Maybe I'll get some free liposuction and flab removal outta the deal. This is highly unfair. I CLEARLY told him to take any extra shit he saw in there and get it out.


TWENTY-NINE!!!!!! Are you fucking kidding me? I had twenty nine gallstones. I SHIT YOU NOT. At least it is validation for me on why I couldn't eat anything decent or exercise for the last few weeks.  I think that me having to endure 29 fucking gallstones should automatically buy me a prize in that damned Hot 100 challenge shit since CLEARLY I'm behind all ya'll now.  And none of you people have any excuse now for why you aren't kicking more ass.

Holy Gallstone,BatMan!!

Me in recovery already getting my water back in.   What's your excuse?

I better not see any more posts about, "Well, I didn't do too well on my goals this week." or "oops, I slipped up and ate those M&Ms."  BULLSHIT!  If I can have 29 stones removed from my belly and still eat only one fucking cookie, you healthy people can put the damn M&Ms down and go for a walk!  Next time you reach for that shit food, you can ask yourself,

"Do I want this as BAD as that Dr. Fatty bitch hurt with those gallstones?"  

I guaran-damned-tee you YOU DON'T. Throw that shit out. In fact. Why the hell is it in your house anyway? Don't make me go all Tae Kwon Do on your asses, cause I will. I'm not afraid of you people.

********************************************************************
 
Tonight I'm enjoying authentic Italian food  thanks to my wonderful Nanny, Sweet potato risotto, focaccia bread, bruschcetta, but none of the caesar salad. I don't want to puke out my stitches.  My husband is waiting on me and dishing up the drugs as need be. I'm sipping on Sprite. I'm not counting calories.  As if I could add with all these drugs in my system. Thanks for all the well wishes.

Roses from my wonderful hubby.

Home Made Bruschetta, from my Nanny, my FAVORITE!

Homemade Foccia bread, also from my Nanny

Flowers from the office