Random Stuff and Checking in

Today I'll just post a few random things. 

1. This week is super busy as both my NPs are out on vacation. Don't ask me how they both ended up out at the same time. It was not preferable but I'm way too nice to tell someone they can't go to their family reunion. Just me means I'm doing the job of 3 people and I'm awesome, but I'm still only one person. That means that while I'm writing this work isn't getting done. Oh well.
2. I'm frustrated that I don't have more time to blog. But.....see #1  I'm working on it. I'm really trying to reorganize my life. Get it back in order. Contain the chaos.
3. Speaking of chaos- Am I the only one out there that feels like life spins around you and you're constantly trying to keep up? Sigh....... I've spent time dong some organizing. I'm trying to get things in order. My house and office are not terrible by any means, but where does all this crap come from? I really just wish sometimes I could dump it all. I'm so into the idea of minimizing right now. I'm on a mission. It may be a slow one because it is obviously not my #1 or even #2 mission, but yet, it is a mission. 
4. I'm totally freaked that school starts in 32 days. Sigh...See #3. Chaos only gets worse when school starts. Those of you with kids know what I mean. Of course those that stay home might be happy to get the kids back to school. Don't get me wrong there are many nice things about a regular schedule. Lord knows the constant bickering is less when school is in session. If for no other reason but their tired. It's so freaking hot here the kids can't just go hang outside. But, school means a whole HOST of other things to keep track of. And now that son is starting high school......oh boy.....panic sets in.
5. Speaking of missions....My workouts are getting back on track. I've been back at my twice daily ones. I find that morning workouts help set the tone for my day. It gets my mind right. Focused on my health. I don't want to screw up when I've made a good effort early in the morning. I'm going to resume training with my trainer next week. Why not this week? See #1. I want to start training with him again if for no other reason but accountability.  Monday I did an old Biggest Loser DVD and it was fun. I used weights and then woke up Tuesday with a sore back. That's ok, just keep moving, right? I'm better today. I'm trying to stretch every day and get some of my flexibility back. 
6. Speaking of flexibility......Tuesday I had this bad migraine. I took some medicine in the afternoon which helped. I ran late at the office at noon so I missed my TKD class and even though I had so much work I said"forget it" and decided to get to the evening class no matter what. Anyhoo....at class I had such a hard time doing the turning kicks I was so dizzy. I hate that! Being out of practice doesn't help either. I almost hate going on vacation just because I miss tkd! I made it through class fine though and my kicks are finally getting back on track.
7. Speaking of training. Remember when I said I was going to start P90X. Well, I am. Not next week because I've got my BFF and her kids and cousin and various family coming to visit. Plus my daughter's bday. I'll keep working out as usual, but I don't want to take on something so new. I'm looking forward to it. I'm going to do the pre-test and pics this weekend. Making it real. I'm kinda nervous, but I figure why the hell not. No one thought a fat chick could do tae kwon do either and I'm doing it. I figure I'll do what I can, I can always do less reps and build up to more, less weight and ad more as I can. I just think it will be awesome to say I did it.
8. On Friday I took this picture

This is my lunch. I took the girls to the mall. I got these veggies and they were yummy. The girls cracked me up because they said, "Mommy why do you always take pictures of your food?" I laughed and told them it helps me remember what I ate, but also I can share it on my blog. They just shrugged their shoulders and looked at each other like, "Mom's so weird." and went on with lunch. Kids are funny.

9.  I still haven't had time to write a post about our Griswold Style Vacation. I think I will give up and just write in spurts. The overview is that we drove 6,000miles for 2 weeks in a van with 3 kids. It was busy, we saw lots of stuff and had a great time. One of the first stops was Painted Desert and Petrified Forest National Parks in Arizona. We did a few hikes and ranger talks. the kids were fascinated.

Painted Desert(not the best pic, but oh well)

Prehistoric tree. Pretty cool really.

Next stop was Grand Canyon.

Hate this pic of my muffin, but reality checks are important. I hate to even post it, but hey- check the view though.

If you haven't seen the Canyon, you must! It is amazing and pictures don't capture it.  We saw much more and I'll share more in my next post. 

I wrote some of this post on the bike this morning so I'm multitasking to the max.  The rest I have finished while eating my salad for lunch. Hope you are all on track and working toward your goals. I'm keeping mine in sight.

I missed you!

Wow. It's been forever since I had a chance to post and most of that is due to my great Griswold style vacation we went on. I have every intention of a nice post about that at some point, but the business of this blog is weight loss so that's what I'll stick to for now.

I gained 6 pounds on vacation, I've already lost 4 of those. Not really how I wanted it to go. I should have done better.  I probably would have lost the other 2 pounds, but I had wine and one martini over the weekend for my husband's birthday celebration. Last week was a BLUR of catching up at work and home. I didn't work out much last week which was extremely frustrating for me. But, I also had a bladder infection so I didn't feel great anyway.

This week I'm kicking butt. I've been back to TKD. It was hard and my hips are sore today, but that's ok. I was proud of myself that I did the 150 situps without much effort and the 25 push ups no problems. Only thing was some stiffness in my hips getting my roundhouse kicks high enough and hips extended all the way. That's just flexibility and with stretching should come right back. I worked out this morning and did some extra stretching and it feels better.

Yesterday,  I had protein shake from breakfast and coffee.  At lunch I had a green salad and cup of tortilla soup (brothy not creamy no chips, no cheese). For snack yesterday I had a babybel gouda which I love in the morning and for afternoon I had string cheese and an apple. I had a board meeting last night so I ate dinner there. We had chicken salad wraps. I had half but only ate the filling, broccoli salad, tomatoes and a slice of melon and blueberries. There were chocolate covered cake pops and cookies, but I didn't touch those.

This morning, same breakfast as yesterday. I plan TKD at lunch assuming all goes well. I didn't get my bike time this morning because the board meeting ran until 10:30pm and I had to get work done this morning. I'll make it up this evening with swimming some laps or possibly walking with the girls on their bikes.

It feels good to be back. So far this week I'm down another pound. I'm going to try and post about my long, long road trip with 3 kiddos very soon. Back to business and no more back steps. Moving forward eating real food and moving a LOT. I can do this!

I charged and fired up my fitbit today so I'm back on that and I feel like I get a better picture of the calories I'm expending that way. Right now I'm a little over 7000steps.

Truth is....

Truth is.......I'm not doing great. I'm struggling with depression and I'm so overwhelmed and busy. Truth is....I'm not eating great and I'm puzzled as to why it seems so hard right now. Truth is.....I have a vacation coming up and I'm tempted to say, "oh I'll get back on track when I get back."  Truth is.....that kind of thinking is what got me where I am.  So truth is......I'm not waiting.

I'm frustrated that this seems so hard. I'm frustrated that I've gained back weight I'd lost. Weight I thought I'd never be able to lose and did anyway. Weight I thought was gone. I thought I'd figured this out and the mental crap keeps on and on AND when I thought I'd settled in to my new lifestyle I realized I got too comfortable. For me that's not good. I lost focus and determination. I got distracted and lost sight of my goal. Got focused on the numbers on the scale which only meant with the weight gain I felt like a failure. Again.

Sigh.......

Truth is I've said all this before and truth is I'm tired of it. It's embarrassing to struggle here on this blog for everyone to see. But truth is....this isn't about any of you or how you feel about me or what you think. It's not about how I look to you or how you judge me. This blog, this journey and this life is all about me. Sounds so selfish but it HAS to be. Truth is...if I don't fix me......if I don't get healthy....if I don't do what I know I must do....I'm the only one that pays. Well....me and my family.

I've got to find a way to get past my emotional hang ups. To find a way to separate food and feelings. It seems silly that as a doctor I can't figure this out. But......SLAP.....once again I'm reminded I'm only human.  Newsflash.....knowing HOW to do something and ACTUALLY doing it are two WAY different things. Hell...I know HOW to break a brick with my hand. It's been explained to me. I've been shown how, but I've never done it. Not yet. But I will. I will when I get my black belt and I know I can do it. Why can't I apply that same belief to my losing weight? Why do I doubt myself? And where did it come from?

Old habits.....bite me. I'm done with you. But it's not so simple as to say, "I'll change."  You then must do it and I am doing it. Maybe not as fast as I wish or as perfect as I wish, but I've changed so much.

Truth is....I've got this exercise thing worked out. Truth is....I work out hard and a lot. Truth is......I've never done that before. Not ever have I had a routine of exercise. But now it's part of me. Now I need it, crave it, must do it.

Truth is........I can do this.

So yes, I have a vacation coming up. It will be filled with hiking and swimming and walking and lots of fun stuff. The focus is not on food. We have healthy snacks ready to pack. We're taking a cooler and it will be filled with water and fruit and healthy things for the whole family. "Can we get some oreos/cheetos/candy/chips/cookies/cupcakes, Mom?" NO! No we cannot. None of us need that shit. It's not part of our life now.  We eat real food now. Will there be treats on the trip? YES. Of course. But for me part of the treat is learning how to travel without eating crap.

Truth is...I need this vacation. I need time with my family and time alone. Time to see beautiful places and wonder and know that we are not alone here. To be thankful and happy and let go of sad things and irritations and the little things that are always weighing me down. So I'll let them go and be happy to do so. And I can come home and renew my focus on where I want to be and what I want to do.

I won't be blogging while I'm gone. At least I don't plan to. You never know what I'll do if I get a thought and want to get it down. But, know that I'll be back in a couple of weeks and I'll be reading and checking in on all of you when I can. And when I get back.......GAME ON. Renewed focus and......

P90X is waiting for me........

Truth is..........I'm excited.........

What's your truth?

What can BROWN do for me? And some pics!!

I survived the weekend AND my brown belt test. It was a very busy weekend with kids stuff and my test, but I made it through. Sunday I collapsed. I was sore. I was bruised. I was achy. I was pretty much not doing anything.  But today I'm much better.

The test lasted 5 hours. We were one the floor most of the time, but there was one black belt testing so there was some downtime while he did his more advanced stuff. I did pretty good on my stuff. I nailed everything but one of my forms which I screwed up a little. I broke both of my boards. One with my hand. I've never done that before and I was nervous about it. I ended up breaking that one on the first try and the other took 2 tries. Who knew?

This week has been busy. My son has had band camp. That resulted in the great mouth piece crisis of 2012 when he forgot his mouth piece in his locker at school.  We tried to get a new one and needed it the next day, but music store didn't have it.  Called private teacher and he recommended a kind to get, they didn't have that either. Luckily I had the middle school teacher's number, she told us his locker had been dumped. She met us at the school and per chance, hey saved the mouth piece and he was RESCUED. Saved his forgetful, non-planning teenager brain ONCE AGAIN.

Food and exercise is going well this week. I remain irritated with the scale. I think my thyroid is jacked again. On Monday I had a second rest day. I was still bruised and sore from my test. Tuesday I felt great. I went to the class at noon. I finished work in time to go to the evening class and decided to work out instead of just watch my daughter. So 2 classes on Tuesday. Wednesday was a long meeting day and so I rode the bike in the morning and did a little plank and push ups. Today I was supposed to do class at noon, but ran late in clinic. I thought we had class at 6:30, but the summer schedule has changed and I am ALL jacked up so apparently there is no brown belt class at 6:30pm. So I missed my workout and now I'm pissed. Tomorrow is the golf tournament and although I'm not playing, I'm volunteering most of the day so I won't have an opportunity and there are no classes. I'll be getting up to workout in the morning. I'm bummed I won't have TKD until Tuesday now. I'll just have to practice this weekend.

We have a lot to do in preparation for our vacation. My office is swamped which is weird for this time of year, but OK. Allergies are awful and it's been raining for the last 24 hours or so with intermittent storms so I'm sure there will be more of that. Good for business.

Today I'm wearing a shirt I bought last summer for our pics for the office. It was a bit tight in the bust and hips, but now fits fine, but I WEIGH more. I swear I don't understand my body sometimes. Also the arms are looser. I swear last time I measured I wasn't that much different. I don't get it. I'll measure again soon. It's really convincing me that I need a new scale, maybe one of those zero scales that just show the change not your weight.  I'm still tracking my food and all that. I'll admit I've not had enough water yet today. I'll work on that in a few minutes on the drive home.

Anyway, that's all that's up with me. I'll include some pics from my belt test. I hope you all are staying focused. Sometimes in the summer with trips and camps and kids at home we let our diets get loosey goosey. Don't do it. Enjoy the fresh veggies and fruit. Find your farmer's market. Eat real food. Make sure your kids know what veggies and fruit look like before cooking or preparing and WITHOUT cheese sauce.

Recently we tried a golden honey dew melon and OH MY it was sooooo good. I can't wait to get more. So sweet and fresh. I love melon so very much. All kinds. Regular honey dew is my least favorite so I was pleasantly surprised that I loved this new yellow one. I'm always looking for new fruits and veggies. What about you. Try anything new lately?

Broke it, knife hand. First try!

The boards I broke

What can brown do for me? Get me another belt closer to black. Two more then black!

Sweaty, tired and successful!

Funky clouds I saw the other day when driving home. I did STOP to take the pic.

Hey....I don't look TOO fat in this picture. Cool.

This week has been an endless blur of school events. The last one was today. My son's 8th grade graduation. Gulp. I just can't believe he'll be in high school next year. How did that happen? Today I've been running around and attending the school stuff so no exercise yet. I have a TKD class tonight at 6:30pm. I hate going to the late class. Mainly because I'm so tired by then, but we do what we must, no?  We took the kiddo for lunch after his ceremony. He chose Chili's. I have to say it's not my favorite place because there are not too many good choices. I had the salmon grilled dry and double broccoli instead of rice. It was tasty and very filling. For breakfast I had a protein shake. I've done a good job getting in my water so I should be hydrated before class tonight. Tomorrow I'm off work. Still entertaining the in-laws. I'll be cooking dinner. They want lasagna which I'll do for them and big huge salad for me. I have another TKD class tomorrow and the the test on Saturday.

I haven't posted pics in a long time. Mainly due to my frustration with the recent weight gain. I'm down 2 pounds this week. If I can keep the trend going, I'll be proud. I'm trying not to focus on the scale as it frustrates me and that can lead to mistakes. Instead I'm trying to focus on my fitness level which my friends is amazing compared to 2 years ago. When I look back on where I was it's amazing. I am in WAY better shape that I look. Cover, book....all that. I'm a work in progress. Today I'm posting a couple of pics. The one on the left is from today. I don't like how this dress photographs. It looks better in person, but what caught my eye was my legs which look much more slender than before. I have defined ankles here. The other is from yesterday at my daughter's 2nd grade ceremony. I was crouched down for a pic with her thinking my Father-in-law would zoom in on our faces. Instead he got my whole body. My arm looks big due to the angle, but check out my thigh and belly.   My immediate thought was, "Hey....I don't look horribly fat there." 

Which is a HUGE improvement considering my first thought about every picture of me used to be, "I'm so very fat."  And especially in that position. PLUS I'm crouched down all the way and I couldn't even squat like that 2 years ago let alone stay there that way for a good 5 min while little miss goofy face got her smile going. Seeing that pic made me feel proud for the first time in a while. I needed that. I really have felt like I've taken such a step backward and not to deny that I've gained because I have, but compared to where I was, I'm still on the right track. I haven't given up and I won't. I've got to remember how far I've come and give myself credit. Doing that helps me believe I can keep going. I CAN do this. I can lose weight and I WILL make this a life long health change.

MIA? No just IA!

Sorry for the no posting. I am so freaking busy and overwhelmed lately. I'm sure you are tired of hearing that from me. I am totally surprised that it's been 13 days since I last posted. Sigh...I will try and recap and update you on what's been up.

Since last I wrote I've had an emotional time with my cousin's birthday and the first year since he died. I'm still struggling with his death and I feel so silly even typing that a year later, but it's just plain true. His birthday would have been the 18th and that weekend was rough. He would of been 41. I had a binge. I know it didn't help anything that we had a block party that night. There was a lot of food and temptation. I did all the right things-planned ahead, took something healthy, had a healthy snack before I went.  When I got there I felt like I was pretending to be happy, I felt guilty for being happy and then I made the mistake of having a margarita. There's nothing wrong with an occasional drink. I do it now and then, but bad timing for me with my guard down and already vulnerable and before I knew it I had 2 drinks and 3 cookies. This led to guilt the morning after and more sadness which led to more bad choices. I know what went wrong. I've worked through a lot of the issues.  I'm learning and it was the first binge in a long time. I'm moving forward.

Last week was busy, but better. I've been working out a lot as I move toward my brown belt test which is Saturday. Yikes! Last week I worked out every day, except Sunday when I rested. I've been eating well considering I have my in-laws visiting and I've been cooking for them and entertaining. They'll be here through this weekend. The holiday weekend was great. I cooked 10 pounds of beans or the annual boy scout BBQ. That's a LOT of beans. We fed about 1000 people. It was HOT. After we went home and hit the pool. Overall I'm happy with the way I've done on my diet. With all the distractions, I've done well.

Yesterday I went to 2 TKD classes. I burned over 1500 calories in exercise. I was STARVED last night at dinner. I had a huge salad, a small steak and veggies. I had watermelon for dessert. All week we have end of year activities with the kids. Yesterday was my baby's kindergarten graduation. Today was my 2nd grader and tomorrow is my 8th grader's graduation. Sniff sniff. Mommy's so proud and sad but I'm too busy to think a whole lot about it.

Saturday is my brown belt test. It will likely last about 4-5hours. I'll be on the move for most of that time. I really feel ready. I know the material. I'm just a little worried about my left knee that I tweaked while gardening. Oh yeah.....the garden is coming in and we have some great tomatoes and cucumbers coming up. So anyway, I figure I just have to demonstrate the material. I know the sparring will be hard and suck and I'll likely get beat up, but I'm ok with it. I don't have to win a match, just survive it. I also have to break a board with my hand this time and one with a kick. Should be fun.

Speaking of fun, I ordered the P90X. I'm looking forward to starting it, but I'm going to wait until after my vacation so I don't have to interrupt the program. Until then, I'm training for TKD, seeing my trainer and the usual workouts. I'm up to 30 push ups which I think is fabulous considering I couldn't do 5 when I started. Yesterday we did 150 crunches in the first class and 90 in the other. I did 30 push ups in the first class and 15 in the other. My arms were burning. This morning I was only a little stiff in the hamstring and I stretched it out. I feel better. I didn't get my workout at lunch because of work and it pissed me off. Tonight I'll practice TKD and stretch at least. Tomorrow I'll do at least one class and 2 if I can. I'm actually in pretty good shape for a fat chick.

This weekend we tried something new on the grill- pineapple. I just cut off the skin, rubbed a little cinnamon and brown sugar and slapped it on there. OMG what an AWESOME dessert. It was sooo good and the kids LOVED it.

We have a leak in our roof, but we're not sure where. The last 2 nights we've had storms and we have had water coming in around our ceiling fan in the bedroom. We can't figure out how the water is getting in. It's annoying and I haven't slept very well the last several nights.

Oh yeah. Did I mention my in-laws are here? So I'm tired and I'm rambling and that's about it for now. I really want to get back to more regular posts. I feel like I'm the hamster on the wheel and the wheel just goes faster and faster!

I've been reading and catching up on all your blogs today. Stay the course and move my friends. I'll let you know how the rest of the week and the test goes. I'm so nervous!

I'm Freaking out, man!

So far this week is going very well. No illness (knock knock) so far this week, thank the Lord.  I'm doing pretty well mood wise even though I've had my cousin on my mind all week with his birthday coming up tomorrow. He would have been 41. It seems just way too young to die.  I've spent some time talking to my Aunt online and it's hard, but getting easier.

My diet has been great this week. I'm eating well. I'm so glad it's watermelon season again!  I bought another one at Sam's yesterday. My family can eat a giant one every few days. My youngest can eat her WEIGHT in watermelon. And I will not complain as it's so healthy.  Tuesday we had ground turkey tacos and they were so tasty with the fresh avocado I picked up at Costco over the weekend.  Last night we had an event at a burger joint-Mooyah Burger.   I'd never been there before. We just don't eat out much anymore but they were donating a portion of the proceeds to our TKD charity. I had planned on a burger with no bun, but was pleasantly surprised to see they had turkey burgers. Instead of a bun you can get it wrapped in iceberg lettuce.  It was really good. I ate it with a fork so it was like a burger salad, complete with tomatoes onion and pickles with mustard for dressing. After that we went to Cherry Berry for frozen yogurt. I had a kid sized sugar free/fat free strawberry yogurt with berries. I love frozen yogurt and it was a real treat.

Exercise is going great so far. I was SO sore yesterday. Monday I trained with my trainer and he had me doing a ton of squats and other leg stuff. At the time I thought, "Wow, what a great workout. I worked hard, but I feel great, not overly beat." Yeah..... TKD class Tuesday was a beating. The instructor says, "OK today we're going speed things up and hit it hard." Yep and we did. We did kicking drills that had him breathing heavy and he NEVER gets like that. That workout on my already sore legs was pretty hard and a couple of times I just could not get my kicks high enough due to the soreness.   But after I was so proud of myself for hanging with all the really in shape people and keeping up with them just fine. Not every kick was perfect, but I did them all, so there!

Yesterday I knew I'd have to work out in the morning since I had a meeting at lunch. I decided I just wasn't in the mood for the bike, so I pulled out one of my old Biggest Loser DVDs and did that instead. It was a nice change of pace and I enjoyed it. It was a major NSV when I realized it is WAY easier than I remember it being, but it was still a good workout and I was sweaty and happy afterward. This morning I decided I'd do the body sculpting part with weights. That was nice and a pretty good ab workout, although I'll admit it's WAY easier for me now.  I'm convinced I can do P90X so I'm going to go ahead and get it. I really want to try and and I've been thinking about it a long time.

Today, I have TKD at noon and I'm dreading it a bit because my legs and shoulders are a little sore still, but I'm ready AND MAJOR FREAKOUT MOMENT OF THE WEEK= 16 days until my brown belt test. ACK!  I know the material. Now it's just a matter of perfecting it. AND getting myself ready for the ordeal of the test. Our tests are about 4-5 hours long and it's spent exercising pretty much the whole time between kicking drills, kicks on the bags and paddles, breaking holds, one-step sparring, forms, Staff one steps, staff forms, BOARD breaking(I get to do 2 boards this time-one with my hand, then other a kick!), and THEN sparring. We have 2-3 1 minute sparring matches to complete. I told my friend that it's OK, we'll be fine but I still get nervous.  We're not expected to win the matches, just survive. Ha ha. And survive is the truth as we have to do 2 matches of belts higher than us (usually a black belt now) and then 1 of a belt under us. A lot of times that means I end up in matches with teenagers who are....well.....faster, fitter, jump higher. BUT they do not kick HARDER, so there. Anyway......I just want to survive the ordeal and I'm trying not to freak out too much.

Other than that, my week is good and I'm staying on track. Lot's of busy things for the weekend coming up. The closer the end of school, the faster things go.  Anyhoo--- how's your week? Any NSVs to share for this week?  Anything got you freaking out lately?